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| orsmupdate 2013.04.25-18.49 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Lest We Forget.
Another ANZAC Day with best intentions to wake up really, really early and make it to a dawn service somewhere to pay homage to our fallen diggers. I say it every year and there's always an excuse why it doesn't happen. Legitimate excuse make that. This year is due to a chest cold and exhaustion after punching out 17+ hours on this motherfucking update yesterday. Try again next year...?
Feeling a bit gypped on getting sick. Top of my things to do list tomorrow was get a flu shot. Last winter was a disaster. Lessons were learnt after going from illness to illness to fucking illness so was hoping a well-timed jab would avoid it but someone got in early. Pretty sure I know who the culprit is and let's just say my gran will be getting a punch in the face next time I see her.
Beyond that there has been close to fuck all going on. As the weeks and months tick by it feels like the house building exercise is nothing more than an elaborate way to frustrate and annoy me. We're oh so close but both believably and unbelievably the local council responsible for approvals has taken issue with something... that they previously okayed. I'd probably understand if it weren't such an insignificant thing that affects no one but in a glaring display of double standards, we have examples of other developments where the exact same thing has been approved. Still they won't budge. The builder's words were "This is unheard of". All it amounts to is pathetic government employees trying to justify their existence and another reason to hate authority. Dickwads.
Okay on to other stuff. If you're still reading then I won't get mad if you skip down a bit to where the update begins in earnest. The next few paragraphs are basically a wrap of a mostly mediocre weekend so with that...
Saturday was a busy one with much to do and see. First stop was the chiropractor for some spinal torture. Was under the impression they're not supposed enjoy inflicting pain. Not this guy. Great results but dude wipe that smile off. Next was post office, a cheese mission and then groceries. Fairly standard morning really. Come mid-afternoon it was back out the door for a first birthday party. Had my doubts about the rain holding out because venue was a park with no shelter. Ended up being quite a production - 40-50 people, every imaginable party food, alcohol and a very impressive oversized cake. You have to wonder who these parties are for sometimes.
From there I headed east to drop the GF to meet up with friends on a pub crawl. Don't know what I did to deserve it but she had granted me the night to myself. Shocked, I planned an evening of junk food and sci-fi. All I had to do was get home which of course was no mean feat. Major roadworks all around the city have normally quiet backstreets congested and the freeway is reduced speed so a journey which should have been 15 minutes stretched out to an hour. Sure enough I arrive home, eat, get 10 minutes into Contagion and the phone beeps "Can you pick me up in half please?". Urgh.
Annoying early rise Sunday. Decided to put it to good use and clean the house plus it was a test run to see if it we could avoid getting the stinky cleaners back. I've mentioned their lack of deodorant and hygiene standards before. It's vile. Anyway it was an interesting experience. It may sound odd but until then I'd never really explored the house. We're in kind of a shared arrangement and I just don't go down one side of it but in the name of a proper clean, it had to be done. What I now know is there's 8 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, 6 toilets and 4 living areas. Don't get me wrong - we're not living in a lavish mansion. It's an old joint which at one point housed a large family and deceptively bigger than it seems... and I'm the idiot who volunteered to vacuum. Four hours later the place was sparkling and it was off to another first birthday party. Much smaller party compared to the day before and only fam involved so good opportunity to catch up with cousins and the like. Definitely long overdue. Made it home late arvo to cook up the motherload of soup. Why? Diet prep. After 6 months of enjoying myself and [over] indulging it's time to get busy and drop the remaining baby fat. Seems stupid to have spent so long shedding kilos and not reach my goal weight. So that's what the soup is for - takes care of lunches and deters me from eating a sammich. Of all the things I've lost, I miss carbs the most.
And that's about it for the babbling. Prepare to be dazzled by a truly epical update. Check it...
So Addictive - Hula Hotties - Fantastic F-Bomb - Sexy Skater - Feel Old Yet? - Giggly Babe - Siiiick - Costa Rican Sex
Get Stuffed - Parody Porn - Monsters - Lolo Ferrari - Drugs = Bad - No Swallow - Best Boobs - RPG Fail - Brainiac
I Hate Cum - Anal Perils - Muffocation - Oh The Pain - Rosie Jones - If Only - Can't Do It - White Trash - Ruski MMA
I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a couple of years ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS soldiers in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister. It was then that I realised how far Australia's military had deteriorated. Every one of them missed the bitch.
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The missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the fundamental and received death threats. Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them". The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his bread in your neck".
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
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My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job.
Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt.
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My 12 year old son asked me why oysters are aphrodisiacs. "Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies". "Ugh, is that what mum's is like?" "You tell me" I replied "you were the last one near it!"
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My last holiday was terrible, I flew with BA. He just kept shouting "You crazy Fool, I aint getting on no plane!"
ORSM
VIDEO
F1 FACTS & TRIVIA
-F1 drivers have prolonged exposure to high G forces and temperatures for little over an hour. This results in an average driver losing about 4kgs of weight after just one race.
-Numbers are assigned to all F1 drivers. The previous season's champion is given number 1, and his team-mate is designated number 2.
-Until 1953 helmets were optional for F1 drivers.
-Formula One cockpit's are installed with drinking water and mineral salts containers and are fitted with pipes for drivers to drink. Within a short while after the race start, the water can start boiling.
-Ferrari are the only team to have competed in every modern F1 season.
-Formula 1 cars have around 800bhp but only weigh 640kgs including the driver. That means they have similar power to a Bugatti Veyron in a car that has around half the weight of a new Mini.
-There hasn't been a number 13 F1 car since 1976 due to the belief it is an unlucky number.
-Formula One driver's are very superstitious and they perform certain rituals before every race. David Coulthard used to wear his old lucky underwear during a majority of his races. Fernando Alonso sings before every race as revealed by his mechanics. On the other hand, Michael Schumacher had a lucky pendant without which he never drove.
-Normal car tyres can last for 60,000 to 100,000km's. F1 tyres are designed to last 90 to 120km.
-A driver's steering wheel isn't like the one in your average road car: it costs around £20,000 [AUD/USD $30k] alone and has a multitude of buttons to control absolutely everything.
-Drivers change gears around 2800 times in a GP, at tight circuits like Monaco this can increase to as much as 4000 times.
-Kimi Raikkonen's favourite sports are hockey and car racing and according to him the reason he chose the latter over hockey is that he did not have to get up early in the morning. Kimi actually fell asleep at the grid during his first race for Sauber. He actually dreamt of something, but can't remember what it was.
-About 1 megabyte of data is sent from the car to the pits every second.
-On a street course like Monaco the cars down force creates enough suction to lift drain hole covers. Before the race manhole covers on the course are welded down to prevent this from happening. It's said that at upwards of 150mph, a Formula 1 car will create so much downforce that it could be driven upside down on the ceiling of a tunnel.
-Last year's Australian GP was the first to feature an Italian driver since 1973 in Germany.
-As a test driver in 2002, Fernando Alonso used to entertain his mechanics and engineers by performing card tricks and magic tricks. He also used to cook for them.
-When an F1 driver hits the brakes hard they experience deceleration forces comparable to driving a normal car through a brick wall, drivers have said that heavy braking has pushed their lungs against their rib cages forcing them to involuntarily breathe out.
-F1 helmets are among the toughest things in the world. Some of the tests they have to pass to be deemed legal to race in are being subjected to an 800 degrees Celsius flame for 45 seconds (without the heat inside the helmet exceeding 70 degrees Celsius) and a visor that has projectiles fired at it at around 300mph. If any of these make dents deeper than 2.5mm, the helmet fails.
-Mechanics refuel the cars at a rate of 12 litres of fuel per second, this means it would take just four seconds to fill a 50 litre tank in a large sedan car.
-During one of the racing incidents Coulthard out-braked Schumacher and the German crashed into him. After the race both had a huge fight and Schumacher went after Coulthard with a fire extinguisher.
-The cars hydraulic system operates at 3000psi about the same pressure one would experience at a depth of about 2 kilometres.
-The front suspension of a Formula 1 car is so strong that it can withstand two tonnes of pressure. That means that those carbon fibre rods that connect the wheels to the main body could have an adult bull on top of them without breaking.
-On a street course like Monaco the cars down force creates enough suction to lift drain hole covers, before the race manhole covers on the course are welded down to prevent this from happening.
-At the 2004 Monaco Grand Prix, Christian Klien's Jaguar had a very expensive diamond embedded on its nose as the team were promoting the release of the Hollywood film 'Oceans Twelve'. Klien crashed his car and the diamond was never recovered.
-F1 are made of approximately 80,000 components, if they were assembled 99.9% correctly, they would still start a race with approximately 80 things wrong?
-When a driver has his foot to the floor and the engine is revving at 18,000rpm, the pistons will be travelling down the bore and back in three thousandths of a second.
-F1 engines have to be preheated before they can be started, they can't even turn over when they are cold due to extremely fine tolerances.
-When asked why Rubens Barrichello named his son Alonso, he said it was to piss of Michael Schumacher.
-Count to four... in that time a 2013 specification F1 machine can accelerate from 0 - 160km, then brake back to a complete standstill.
-When a car is driving in the wet, the tyres displace up to 250 litres of water per second - enough to fill a large bath.
-Jenson Button once admitted that he was scared to drive the streets of Manila when he visited the Philippines in 2002.
-The chassis is incredibly strong, being made from over a thousand different parts of Kevlar, carbon fibre, metal and various honeycomb structures.
-The safety of modern F1 cars means drivers can withstand huge crash impacts. The biggest crash impact on record was suffered by David Purley at the British Grand Prix in 1977, where he had an impact that was estimated as 197.8g – meaning his car went from 108mph to a standstill in two seconds. He recovered and went on to race again.
-Formula 1 drivers are subjected to forces of up to 5G when racing - meaning that in a very high-speed corner, their body will experience pressure five times greater than their body weight. Compare this to a jet fighter which experiences 5G's in a dogfight for about 1.5 seconds. A Formula One driver experiences over 5G's for about an hour in a race.
-Monza in Italy is renowned as the hardest track on brakes. When drivers brake for the first corner they go from 200mph down to 60mph in just over two seconds.
-Under extreme braking, some drivers have said that this force is so great that their tear ducts squirt water into their visors.
-Formula 1 brake discs are made from a special, indestructible form of carbon fibre. A set costs several thousand pounds and takes a month to make, but the most impressive thing about them is that when a driver stamps on the brakes the discs heat up to around 1,200 degrees Celsius - typically the average temperature of molten lava.
-Even after a race has been completed, a car's tyres will be about 120 degrees Celsius - hot enough to fry an egg.
You have really DARK NIPPLES... |
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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald" he said sternly "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub". The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff". The landlord said "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish".
ORSM
VIDEO
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.
The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated "I agree, but under four conditions". The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause...
The Pope replied "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one".
After another long pause a voice arose and asked "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied "Big tits".
NAKED IN CHURCH |
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Something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental" came the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste". "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump".
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope". "That's rich" laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant!"
"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it".
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful" explained the woman "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well" muttered the hairdresser "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope". "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, His Holiness walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me".
"Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said "Who fucked up your hair?"
| THE SUPERBLY CURVY AVY SCOTT [CAN'T CLOSE HER MOUTH?] |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts.
After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted" was her reply. "What a coincidence, my wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her.
"She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex". "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to either house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come.
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat.
She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down. Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained. "We did!" he says "I just peed in your purse!"
HOOKED ON FISHING |
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One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam.
He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job" said The Lord. "Thank You, Great One" replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this... woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord".
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's" said The Lord.
"The nerve endings" said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, my Lord" replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman" said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Seventy five, my Lord" replied St. Peter. "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman" said the Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four hundred and twenty, my Lord" replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman" said The Lord. "Yes, my Lord" said St. Peter.
"No, wait" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"
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A Harley bike rider walked into a chemist shop in Brisbane, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying "This is tough for me to discuss but I have a... permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it". The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".
When she returned she said "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop, a company car, five home cooked dinners a week and $3,000 a month in living expenses".
| PASSED OUT GIRLS |
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A city man goes on vacation in the autumn for a colour tour of the Midwest. Stopping one night at a small tavern for a meal and a beer, he regales the waitress with tales of his adventures, his amazement - not only about the beautiful colours, but about how many flocks of geese he'd seen, flying south for the winter.
The grey-haired tavern owner comes over and says "Yup, those geese are amazing creatures". "How do you mean?" asks the man. "Well" the owner explains as he pulls out a chair. "That 'V' formation they fly in is something they evolved over tens of thousands of years, to allow them to go further distances when they migrate". "Really?" asks the man. "Yup" says the owner.
"The strongest flyer would take the point, and the other geese fall in formation in his airstream, to allow them to relax a bit, and not have to work so hard". "That's amazing" says the man.
"Yup" the owner goes on. "And when the point bird gets tired, it'd fall back, and another, well-rested goose would take over the point". "Wow" says the man. "I never knew that".
"And, did you notice" the owner asks "that one leg of that 'V' was always longer than the other?" "Well, now that I think about it, yes I did" says the man. "Why is that?" "Well" the owner grins, as he gets up. "It's got more geese in it".
ORSM
VIDEO
Done and done. All my love went into this bad boy and if you liked it [of course you did] you may be wanting more [of course you will] so please read the following...
-Check out the site archives. Every single update going back to the year 2000. No shit.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Duh.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make sure you never work in this town again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and argue for the sake of arguing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.04.18-18.14 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I feel like I'm trapped in somebody else's master plan.
It's Thursday and I'm in a surprisingly good mood. Why's that surprising? Because it's been a insanely busy week thus proving no matter how much I work ahead and prepare before taking off on any sort of jaunt, there comes the point where everything catches up fucks me. It as if the universe punishes me for daring to enjoy myself. And why wouldn't it... if I had that kind of power I would constantly fuck with people not only because I could but because so many of them deserve it.
I'm also overwhelmingly happy to report that the poop issues which I dedicated a large chunk of last week's blog to have cleared up. Matter of fact they came to an abrupt halt sometime Friday ending an 8 days streak and well, WELL, in excess of 100 'movements'. Only became concerning when there was absolutely no movement at the station for a few days following but thankfully by Monday everything a normal poop schedule had resumed. Can't quite say the same for the 3 others afflicted by whatever it was but that's what they get for not going on antibiotics. You have to hand it to Indonesia for delivering the mother of all tummy bugs. We all get them from time to time but this one truly went above and beyond to make sure the job was done properly.
Boston bombing. What can you say really? Terribly sad thing to happen, horrible for everyone involved and from the other side of the world makes me feel insecure. After everything that's been said and done since 9/11, I still can't make sense of terrorism. There are so many people I would love to punch in the face but not a single one I hate so much that I could ever contemplate blowing them up. Actually... Westboro Baptist come close but doubt I'd go that far. My only question now is when will it ever end?
Moving on... on to my week and its mundane events. If you're still reading and haven't already scrolled to the good stuff then feel free to do so now. I won't mind. I won't even know.
Saturday began back to the old house. I'd been a bit paranoid after advertising something for sale on Gumtree. It was up for a few weeks when some random guy called me and said he wanted the item. I texted him my address, 5 minutes later he messaged back saying sorry it was the wrong size after all. A life wasted on the internet has made me paranoid and untrusting so was expecting to have been broken into or back shed ransacked or whatever. Long story short, there was a few hours spent gathering up anything of value which hadn't yet been moved and making sure the place was secure. Probably a waste of time - the house is insured for more than it's worth so if someone came through and destroyed or even burnt the fucker down it wouldn't be a bad thing. Headed home early afternoon to put an end to some complaining. My new 'office' is essentially a thoroughfare/games room. Since we moved in pretty much all my shit has remained right where I dumped it so passive aggressive comments along the lines of "Is that where that stuff is going to live now?" were heard often. Took a while but eventually had it all neat and tidy allowing for the breaking of a golden rule - no PC games during the year. Thank you Aliens Colonial Marines.
Sunday was basically just a giant social orgasm. Didn't start out that way but with nothing planned the idea to smash some dim sum spurned a whole days activities. "If we're over that way we may as well visit my gran". And that we did. From there was the dim sum with sis and bro-in-law, then on to see friends who popped out their second-born while we were away and then off to see other friends who did the same thing a few weeks previous. Funny how an entire day of talking and socialising can be reduced to one paragraph because I was fucking exhausted by the time we made it home. Not such a bad way to spend a warm autumn day though and nice change from the last few months of moving house and all the other annoyances.
And with that you little bitches I bring the blogging to an end. If you're wondering if what you'll find below is worth your time then it's clearly your first time here because OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS. Check it...
Bear Grills - Staggering - Nup Don't Care - Katie's Cans - Pervy Priest - Wrong Hole - Sweaty Crack - BBW Lovers
Guitar Vaj - Ridiculous - Creamy Twat - Beyonce Nips - Perfect 10 - Vaporised - Motherload - Hitman Fail - No Butt Sex
Fuck Swing - Me So Horny - Bizarro - Seren Gibson - Camslut Ooops - Get Freaky - Total Prick - Butt Hurt - Slaaaap!
On your typical day in Australia's Parliament House, Prime Minister Julia Gillard glanced at Opposition Leader Tony Abbott and asked "Do you think my new glasses make me look smart?" Abbott replied "Nah, you can still see your fucking face".
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"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus "You have some semen on the back of your jacket". "I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yoghurt". "It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".
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Teacher asks Billy "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?" Billy: "Five"
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Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years. When he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up.
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?" He said "I'm off to change a light bulb". Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing... then said "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?" "Not really" he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard".
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This blonde went with her father to Builders Warehouse to buy some tools. Not long after that, I received a call from her stating that she had been arrested. "What did they lock you up for?" I asked. "Assault" replied the blonde. "So who did you hit?" I asked. "The black lady who was standing behind me" was her reply. "So why did you hit her?" I asked. "My dad told me to get a 'Black & Dekker' so I hit her with all I had".
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Got a package delivered the other day and it was covered in drool and crayon. That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.
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Came first in a school talent competition. Mainly because I was the only one wanking.
ORSM
VIDEO
HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE WORKING HARD
-NEVER WALK DOWN THE HALL WITHOUT A DOCUMENT IN YOUR HANDS
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
-USE COMPUTERS TO LOOK BUSY
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss [and you *will* get caught] your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
-MESSY DESK
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work - it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
-VOICE MAIL
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
-LOOKING IMPATIENT AND ANNOYED
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
-APPEAR TO WORK LATE
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am etc ) and during public holidays.
-CREATIVE SIGHING FOR EFFECT
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
-STACKING STRATEGY
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... can always borrow from library if necessary. Thick computer manuals are the best.
-BUILD VOCABULARY
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
EMBARRASSED GIRLS |
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A older couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts" she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said "Next
Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself".
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked "Do you shave?" "No" replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes" said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department... very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him "Did you see it?" "Yes" he said "but why the hell did you have to show her yours". "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before". "I know" he said "but the dart team hadn't!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull's-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue".
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut".
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, the Potters, that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Potters and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Potters the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help".
The Potters pleaded with him, and said "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us". "Well, all right" the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerio's"...
BUTT CRACKS |
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A newly retired cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?" "No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop" the homeless man replied.
"You were once a cop?" "Yes" the homeless man replied. "On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day".
"Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?" "No, I don't waste time with sugary foods" the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can".
"Will you spend this $20 on green fees at a golf course instead of good food?" "Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force".
"Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light district instead of buying good food?" "What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well" said the retired cop "I'm not going to give you the money now. Instead, I'm going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money".
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man". The retired cop replied "That's okay. It's important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex".
CARLI BANKS... I'M LOVING IT! |
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READER MAIL
Absurdly large mail bag this week. Serves me right for skipping an update but is all good for you guys. This lot should keep you going for a while...
If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.
sean and em wrote:
Subject: sheppard video
the guy cracking up in this video of a sheppard dressed as a person eating is what makes this video funny, figured a sheppard guy like yourself might get a kick out of this
Awesome. Made my day. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Video related to a random shit image
Long time fan. I enjoy the site all around. I love the random shit section of your site. There was this picture that made me laugh, but recently discovered a video that proves that the post on facebook was done on purpose. Don't deplay my details. Cheers! |
Brian wrote:
Subject: FISH BEING PREPARED - must see this one
Well I thought the one on the chickens was bad enough but boy make sure you look at this one. This is the fish that Sizzlers have on their menu. We usually know this as Basa fish, packaged in 1 kg fillets packs. Market prices are from $2.99 kg. So called "trusted" supermarts sell this at double the above price. All the same product... tried it? A tasteless fish that needs much seasoning to make it attractive. This will put you off buying or eating fish on our supermarket shelves that have been imported from Asian Countries, Coles and Woolies will of course have this nicely presented on ice, with all the other fish varieties... priced at $7 or $8 kilo. Made to appear pretty reasonable against the OTHER fresh stuff at anything up to $25 kilo. You must see this to stay healthy. A 4-minute video showing how your fish is prepared here.
Everyone knows this already right? It's just a matter of what we're prepared to accept. On Good Friday [aka no red meat day] we tried ordering fish and chips from a local place which was supposed to be quite good. How much for 2 serves? $50. Fucking outrageous and needless to say we went elsewhere, paid half as much and ate like kings. Probably wasn't as good as the gouge option but it was fish and no one died. -Orsm |
Stuart wrote:
Subject: Gillard = Fail
Cobber, I've been coming to your web site for more than ten years now. I don't mind that we have different political views (although I should probably point out that I stopped voting Labor in 1982... I thought Hawke was a wanker.... still do) but I really, REALLY think you should READ some of this crap before you publish it. There's hardly a line of that Gillard=Fail rant that you can prove. You're blaming Julia for cotton farms in Eastern states? Wouldn't that be a STATE government issue? Are there ANY Labor governments in the Eastern states? If Julia tried to tell WA what farms they were allowed to have then the WA government would tell her, rightly, to fuck off. So what's your point? Also, 460 mega litres is NOT 460 billion litres. In fact, you're out by a mere 459, 540, 000, 000 litres. Also known as 99.9% wrong. Seriously, that's pretty fucked up. If the federal government gave every public servant $1,000 to shut up, that would be $147,000,000. So $33,000,000 is just a tad off target, don't you think? I did a google search too. Can't find any evidence for that claim. Or did Julia only give them $300 to shut up? I believe that the technical term for this story is, um, bullshit. Feel free to correct me. Now I know that you're not running a news site... you're WAY more accurate than most of those ... but, really, you've got more brains than this. Vote Tony if you have to, but for fuck's sake, ditch the bullshit.
Admittedly didn't fact check this one although that doesn't mean its was all BS. Couldn't even work out the original source which in hindsight was probably a good indicator of accuracy but I figure if those cunts can lie to us then they won't mind when we lie about them. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: why u do this to me?
at first i was all "nice tits!" then i was all "oh hell no!"
And then everyone is all like "well if no one found out about it I would..." -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Biker Semen
Hey ORSM. Apparently the Devil's Horsemen Motorcycle Club in California should create a club bylaw against wearing hoodies under their colors. This douchebag went from Devil's Horsemen to Devil's Semen. Outlaw biker FAIL!, but I'm sure it's not his first time with semen on his back. Lose my details, as they wouldn't think I'm too cool... |
Rodger wrote:
Subject: Cat eats Dog!!!!!....notice the collar
My dog and I came upon a Lynx feeding. It turns out someone tied their dog to a tree, Shot it, and left it for mother nature. Dog owners(?) The tag said 2011.
Looks like it wanted you next... -Orsm |
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Annette wrote:
Subject: taken in mandurah
mandurah train station. any takers?
Honestly if he can't find a something to fuck in Mandurah then he has problems that no amount of romantic cardboard box advertising will fix. Just take a walk around Mandurah Forum sometime - hundreds of low class slutty pigs which will fit the bill. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: See through dress.
Saw this on a friend of a friends facebook profile. Do you see what I see? :) Please keep my details private.
She is so ridiculously hot that I've spent the last few days trying to make sense of my life. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
check out this dude - lost 1/2 his weight in a year! loooong time fan! <3 the site!! hide my details plzzz ;)
Meh. Seen better. -Orsm |
Ignacio wrote:
Subject: Good friend
Your cat is always there when you need it....
As much as I hate cats... thats ever-so-slightly-kind-of-maybe-a-little-bit cute. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: An odd pic for you
Hey Mr. Orsm, Whilst flipping channels the other day, I came across this odd listing for the ABC-TV show "Shaun Micallef's Mad As Hell" show --- I'm guessing it was a prank, but all the same it's odd / funny! Please withhold my name / contact details etc. Cheers! |
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<with held> wote:
Subject: At Wondercon
Lovely lady was (un)dressed as a character from Witchblade. Last weekend in Anaheim, CA. Please hide the details, etc.
Can't work out if she's too fat or has a weird body type. -Orsm |
Brian wrote:
Subject: Clean Up Australia Day September 14 2013
CLEAN UP AUSTRALIA DAY ˆ DATE CHANGE |
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albano wrote:
Subject: Pics of heavy german partyanimalfreaks
Dear Mr. Orsm, I found this photo in the webgallery of a club I used to visit in the far past. Now I know why I better will not go there anytime... Love your site, greets from germany |
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Sam wrote:
Subject: Abbos is South Hedland
Love your site dude! Thought this would be something funny, found it on Google Maps - few Abbos sitting around smashed in South Hedland. Map [here].
Looks like a beautiful day for a picnic...-Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: upskirts
For your next Facebook upskirts gallery. Don't show my contact details, cheers. Signed: A fan who you have been making very happy every Thursday since 2001.
Even when you don't see vagina it's still completely cool. -Orsm |
Shaun wrote:
Subject: Freeway signs
Spotted on the West Gate Freeway on the way into the Melbourne city centre. What's more interesting is that a kid from Melbourne's west has met her father. |
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seggie wrote:
Subject: Cirque de Soliel
The guys at The Sun were really on watch for this photo.... a crotch immortalized. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Taxing Times
Holidays in Darwin had me spending $30 to see crocodiles turns out visit was worthwhile as we got too see asylum seekers sponsored by the Australian govt and just to ensure our money was not wasted the asylum seekers were accompanied by Serco employees, at least the Geraldton arrivals will get to see the pinnacles. I am already putting money away for their visit. Secret the deets as I don't wanna give the femin-nazti ammunition with which too shoot me |
Marcus wrote:
Subject: Easter Disco shot to pieces by idiots in Mundaring
Landrover Discovery stuck at the powerlines 4WD track near Mundaring (Perth, Western Australia) over Easter and couldn't get a rescue vehicle out that afternoon so decided to leave his car overnight. Came back the next morning with a rescue vehicle to this. there are some seriously moronic people in this world. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Ex pictures. Please keep info hidden! |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: Restroom Signs from around the world
SOME OF THEM ARE VERY CLEVER ! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics I found
Some pics I found on a lost camera. Hide my info.
I never find anything. -Orsm |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Emailing
As long as you plan for it, you can transport it! |
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Paul wrote:
Subject: girlfriend pics
Here are some hot pics of my girlfriend. We are from northeast ohio and she is very proud of the way she looks. She has th best pussy I've ever had and swallows every drop of cum I can giver her. |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend in Maryland
Hello, orsm... I felt like submitting some pics of my ex-fiance. Please feel free to post them if you want. Yeah she's pretty chubby, although she wasn't a bad lay. Thanks |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: some stuff for your site ?
hey mr. orsm, there was a car crash in my town in germany... look at the pics and start to cry about the car :) the driver was – no he's still alive - is the president of the mannheim hells's angels. nothing more to say...
The "driver survived" or "the driver is survived by..."...? -Orsm |
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David wrote:
Subject: For the ladies
Hi Orsm, This is for the Ladies. Enjoy |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The new Supercharged petrol Range Rover
0/60 in 5.1 seconds! 6 mpg though! Please hide details. Thanks.
Would dearly love one. -Orsm |
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Louis wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Some SA black Pussy. Hide my details please |
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Aluizio wrote:
Subject: Accident
Dear ORSM, yesterday, a driver and two other person in a truck died in an accident in Vitoria, ES - Brazil. Most impressive is about a lucky guy who escaped from death by centimeters. Video attached. Cheers! |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Born and Bled Films new upcoming short film "Deflection"
Well it's finally here. Our first real short film "Deflection" is in production. Be a part of the action and help us out :) Filming starts at the end of April. It will be a scary, gory, suspenseful little horror film :) [Also] Buster Knut is back.... Again Episode 4. Enjoy :) [Youtube link here] |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/5kgs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me". Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program". "Absolutely," he replies "I haven't felt this good in years".
The next day there's a knock at the door. When he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, your arse is mine".
He lost 35kgs that week!!
CATWALK NIPPLES ARE FASHION, NOT PORN... |
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My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school. "Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!" he beamed with pride.
"When did you leave to go to college?" I asked. He answered. "1965. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked... "What subject did you teach?"
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one" replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled "Rose... what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
TRIM, TAUT, TERRIFIC - LISA DANIELS |
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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those beautiful shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani's for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Taken aback, Sophia replies "Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Luigi answers "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance and after a few minutes he asks "Rosa do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers "Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?" He replies "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... how do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers "Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight..." Luigi gasps "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay I'm done. NO idea how it all came together on time. Was so far behind this morning I had my doubts it would even be finished today. Guess it says a lot for how amazing I am... RIGHT?
-Check out the site archives. You'll be glad or you won't. [But you will]
-Next update will be next Kamis.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will punch your horse in the face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do what I say. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.04.11-18.06 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Sphincteral integrity holding, Captain.
I am become campylobacter, the destroyer of toilets. They say it's unavoidable visiting certain Asian countries and getting sick. Happened to me last visit and sure enough got nailed this time too. The locals seem to be immune so most of what they eat/drink/touch/inhale has no effect but plonk a westerner down in the middle of a filthy city inhabited by 10M people that don't subscribe to the same hygiene standards as the developed world, and that's just what you get.
So this is day 7 and despite stomach cramps, minimal food intake, tiredness and a 100% liquid 'outcome' I feel generally okay. The campylobacter could have come from a number of sources though at this point it's more or less moot. The biggest problem however is/was the constant need to find a toilet [read: shit] usually with extreme urgency. Not a big issue when you're at home... but take someone who has high toilet standards, will only poop in one of several trusted toilets, drop him in a country where clean is a dirty word, and life gets very difficult very quickly. You're forced to adjust those standards. For example - your about to board a flight and feel some pressure, do you choose the grotty airport bathroom or risk that of a budget airline? Or you want to visit some markets that are supposed to be awesome but will most likely only have 'squats', do you go there or an expensive mall instead? And on and on like that it has gone.
I'm really not sure what's been worse - frequency [ie. actually pooping more times in a day than I normally would in a month] OR inability to trust a fart [ie. do I really want to take the chance?]. On the plus side I'm shedding weight like a motherfucker so all good.
Anyway... I did manage a whole 9 days away with hardly anyone noticing. Our first few days were in Kemang, an area of South Jakarta. Spent some time there last visit and loved it. This was a very different experience though. Staying with friends previously, they'd just put us in the car with their driver and send or take us places but this time it was on us to figure out. Thank god for free Wi-Fi, Trip Advisor and Google Maps because you would have no idea otherwise. There isn't an obvious flow or order to anything. This brings me to the biggest gripe anyone will have - traffic and transport. The traffic is unimaginably bad day and night then even worse when it rains. I'm always happy to walk but the humidity is energy-sapping and the footpaths [I use the term loosely] dangerous with the millions of motorbikes and scooters literally everywhere not to mention open sewers and various other pitfalls. Safest bet is a taxi who without fail take the longest route possible through the most congested areas to milk the fare. You can't blame them. These guys must earn a pittance so when a fat bule hops in their cab its payday bitch! Not all bad because they are so ridiculously cheap plus you get a chance to look around but when you're in a rush it's fucking annoying.
It wasn't until Wednesday that we met up with friends we were there to see and a change of accom staying with their fam, this time in the CBD. Pretty much living like a real Indo family and drastically different from an air-conditioned hotel or for that matter, home. Can safely say I've never walked outside my house to see a woman wearing a hijab or even know where the nearest mosque is. Can also safely say I've never been woken up at home by a loudspeaker blaring prayers at 4am either. Anyone who has misconceptions that all Muslims are evil should visit one day. We went to some heavily Muslim places and they were totally cool, friendly etc. Most of the time I would get "Mister! Mister! Photo!" so I would snap their pic.
The next few days were a mix of some socialising, some relaxing and a whole lot of being dragged around by the girls shopping. All I bought was 3 t-shirts and some earphones yet we returned home with 15-20kg more baggage weight than we went with. It's funny the difference between what the GF and I want to achieve whilst abroad - she wants to hit every single retail store that "we don't have at home" whereas I want to do the exact same thing but with chain restaurants. A&W, Hooters, TGI Friday's, Chili's, Hard Rock Café, even Starbucks. Of those I've tried, disappointment every time. The world needs to discover Red Rooster!
We left Jakarta on Sunday for the hour-and-a-bit flight to Singapore. Originally had no to desire to go back after my last visit. It's a beautiful city, safe, efficient, clean etc but ultimately too sterile for my liking. Anyway I had a plan to hit a whole bunch of must-see places in the day and a half we had beginning with an early start the first morning. Housekeeping woke us up at 10am. Urgh. Then it was off to do some shopping... then back to the hotel for the afternoon to poop and sleep and poop. Ventured out that night for a few hours, pooped, cautiously ate and legged it back to the hotel for more poopage. Same deal the next day. Basically the poop issues dominated and we barely managed a fraction of what I wanted to do.
All up still had an awesome time and I'll look back with better memories once I'm over the tummy bug. If I learnt anything its that sometimes no amount of probiotics and preventative measures will keep you from getting sick. Bit of a shame but shit happens.
Okay clowns time to get on with the update. No point telling you how amazingly, unbelievably awesome it is when you're about to see for yourselves so go on - check it...
Addicitve - Unbelievable - Horrific Reality - Slut Pranks - Gay Irony - Well Disaster - Home Run - Rappers & Strippers
Please Be Fake - Destroyer - Rogue Tits - Bit Harsh - Poor Bum - Parking Fail - Unlucky - BJ Spew - Rudy Grew Up!
GILF - Guitar Vaj - Hangers - All Class - Chilling - Almost Perfect - Rack-tastic - Curvy - Beach Fuck - Insano-gasm
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread. One man says "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" The other says "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100. A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them. He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" asked the waiter. He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
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"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No" I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note. "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked. "No" I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note. "Now" she said "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?" "No" I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a look in the garage".
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My wife asked me if I had any fantasies. I said "Yeah I've got this one where were complete strangers and we've never met". "Ohhh" she said "And then you pick me up in a bar or something?" "No" I replied "Just the first bit!"
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah" says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"
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The missus asked if she pleased me in bed. I said "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth"... "What trick?" she asked. "The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"
ORSM
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VITAL INFORMATION FOR THOSE WHO LIKE A DRINK
VODKA
Vodka is least likely to give you a hangover. Vodka is made by fermenting grains or crops such as potatoes with yeast. It's then purified and repeatedly filtered, often through charcoal, strange as it sounds, until it's as clear as possible.
CALORIES: Because vodka contains no carbohydrates or sugars, it contains only calories from ethanol (around 7 calories per gram), making it the least-fattening alcoholic beverage. So a 35ml shot of vodka would contain about 72 calories.
PROS: Vodka is the 'cleanest' alcoholic beverage because it contains hardly any 'congeners' - impurities normally formed during fermentation. These play a big part in how bad your hangover is.
Despite its high alcohol content - around 40 per cent - vodka is the least likely alcoholic drink to leave you with a hangover, said a study by the British Medical Association.
CONS: Vodka is often a factor in binge drinking deaths because it is relatively tasteless when mixed with fruit juices or other drinks.
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 3/10
WHISKY
Whisky or Scotch is distilled from fermented grains, such as barley or wheat, then aged in wooded casks. Whisky 'madness': It triggers erratic and unpredictable behaviour because most people drink whisky neat.
CALORIES: About 80 calories per 35ml shot.
PROS: Single malt whiskies have been found to contain high levels of ellagic acid. This powerful acid inhibits the growth of tumours caused by certain carcinogens and kills cancer cells without damaging healthy cells.
CONS: Whisky 'madness' - erratic and unpredictable behaviour - is a common problem with drinking whisky. It's caused by the way most people drink it - neat, explains Professor Jones. His experiments show that among people drinking the same amount of ethanol, those drinking it in the form of spirits, such as whisky, had the quickest and highest peak in the blood alcohol concentration, which occurred less than an hour after drinking began. If you drink any alcohol on an empty stomach, it can compare with getting it intravenously. To slow absorption down, you could take it very much diluted or along with a rich, calorie-dense ingredient such as cream, as in Baileys or Irish coffee. Whisky also contains lots of congeners, which tend to form during the ageing process in oak casks. A study found that as a result, Bourbon Whiskey is twice as likely to cause a hangover as the same amount of vodka.
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 8/10
WHITE WINE
White wine is made from the fermented juice of grapes stripped of their seeds and skins.
CALORIES: Around 130 calories per 175 ml glass; slightly more in sweeter wines.
PROS: Researchers found that grape flesh contains the chemicals tyrosol and hydroxytyrosol, which help lower artery clogging LDL cholesterol.
CONS: It's the sulphites formed naturally or added to white wine as preservatives to stop it going brown which are the most likely cause of the "white wine hangover" many people complain of. Sulphites also carry the risk of an allergic reaction which can worsen symptoms such as a headache, or asthma. White wines also wear away tooth enamel faster, making teeth more sensitive.
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 6/10
RED WINE
Red wine is made from fermented grape juice - but unlike white wine, with the skin and pips included. It's then left to mature for a minimum of three years, during which pigments from the skins leech out and colour the wine red.
CALORIES: Around 120 calories in a standard glass - it's slightly lower in sugar content than white wine.
PROS: Contains more reservatrol - a plant anti-oxidant - than white wine. This helps to prevent blood clots and reduce inflammation, which is now considered to play a key role in heart disease. Also, the pips and skins used in red wines contain tyrosol and hydroxytyrosol, chemicals which help lower artery-clogging LDL cholesterol.
CONS: Red wine drinkers can get worse hangovers than beer or white wine drinkers. Because of the way it's made, red wine produces two types of alcohol - ethanol and methanol. The liver processes the ethanol part of the drink first and leaves methanol until last. As a result, it's likely to be floating around in the body for a lot longer than ethanol, giving you that familiar "morning after" feeling.
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 7/10
Colour code: Red wine can cause a worse hangover than white wine because it contains methanol, a second type of alcohol that lingers in your body the next day.
BEER
Low in alcohol, beer is the least dangerous to drink. Beer is made by fermenting barley. Hops are added for flavour and yeast to make the grains ferment into sugar and alcohol.
CALORIES: It's the most calorie rich alcoholic beverage - just one pint contains between 170 and 200 calories, about the same as seven chocolate fingers biscuits.
PROS: Beer is the least dangerous to drink and makes you feel you drunk the slowest. It has the lowest alcohol content - between 3 and 6 per cent for lager, and up to 8 per cent for ale and stout. A pint also contains more than a quarter of an adult's recommended dose of Vitamin B folate, which stops the build-up of homocysteinea chemical linked to heart attacks.
CONS: Beer is high in compounds called purines, which boost the levels of uric acid in the blood, according to a study at Massachusetts General Hospital. This can form crystals in joints, leading to painful attacks of gout. The 12-year study found that drinking more than two beers a day doubled the risk. Meanwhile, research showed that one pint a day adds a 10 per cent risk of bowel cancer, while two pints a day increases the risk by 25 per cent.
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 4/10
BRANDY
Brandy is a spirit distilled from red wine. Fine brandies are aged for extra flavour in wooden casks. Hangover hell? Brandy contains high amounts of impurities.
CALORIES: Around 80 in every 35ml shot.
PROS: Because brandy is a distillation of red wine, it contains a high concentration of antioxidants which mop-up "free radicals" which, it's claimed, can damage the body organs and tissues and lead to deadly diseases. Australian scientists discovered that the antioxidants created during the distilling process mean that 30ml of good brandy would give the equivalent antioxidant hit of the daily recommended intake of vitamin C.
CONS: It could give you the worst headache of all, according to research at London Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery. This was closely followed by red wine, then rum, whisky and gin. Not only does brandy contain at least 40 per cent alcohol, the high quality cask-aged variety is likely to have the highest amounts of congeners, which are formed during the lengthy storage and fermentation process. Brandy contains literally hundreds of different volatile compounds, which gives it the distinctive pleasant smell but also contributes to the hangover".
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 9/10
CHAMPAGNE
Champagne and sparkling wine are made in roughly the same way as wine - but then more yeast is added and it's left to ferment in the bottle a second time, producing carbon dioxide.
CALORIES: An average 175 ml glass of Champagne contains 133 calories, slightly more than a glass of white wine because syrup is added to improve taste.
PROS: The antioxidants in Champagne may help protect your brain against damage incurred during a stroke and against neurological disorders such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, according to a team of researchers from the University of Reading. They found that high levels antioxidants, called caffeic acid and tyrosol, helped protect brain cells from damage.
CONS: The bubbles speed up the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream. And contrary to popular belief, Champagne won't lift your spirits - alcohol affects brain receptors in the same way, whatever its source. Alcohol basically works in the same way in the brain receptors as Valium. It depresses brain activity and relieves anxiety. You might think you're in a good mood, but it's more likely the result of alcohol causing "disinhibition" making you more talkative and exhibitionist.
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 7/10
TODAY ON ORSM... REDHEADS: LOVE THEM OR KILL THEM? |
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Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realised that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said "Pardon?"
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A man went into a restaurant and the waitress came over to ask him what he wanted.
The man said "I'll have some vanilla ice cream and some strawberry ice cream, some lemon ice cream and some banana ice cream". "Okay, sir" said the waitress "Will there be anything else?"
"Err yes..." said the man "Do you have any chocolate sauce?" "Yes, sir. We do," replied the waitress.
"Great, I'll have double chocolate sauce on that". "Anything else, sir?"
"Oh, yes, do you have any cream?" "Certainly sir".
"And," continued the man "I'll have extra cream on all of those". "Yes sir". said the waitress, writing down the whole order "And would you like any nuts on top?"
"NUTS?" said the man, horrified "Oh, no! I won't have any nuts. I'm on a diet!!"
TAKE ME TO THE BEACH |
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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Government said "Someone may steal from it at night". So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Government asked "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Government said "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Government said "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Government said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Government said "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost". So they laid off the night watchman.
ADRIENNE AND THE BEAUTIFUL LADY BITS |
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ORSM
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A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar, stinking of whiskey, cigarettes and stale beer. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job" he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am".
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.
The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself".
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light".
He then launched into another mesmerising song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline" excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours, but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied "Hell, I wrote it!!"
FANTASIES DO COME TRUE: COSPLAY BABES |
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A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the voice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him.
Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says.
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
ORSM
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Reader Mail will be back next week. If you want to contribute to just click here and do eeeet!!
Martin was an English teacher in a language school. After working at his current school for six months, he decided it was time to find a better job with a higher salary. In his final week at the school, he told Carla, one of his favourite one-to-one students.
"I'm afraid that next term I won't be teaching in this school any more, Carla. I'm moving to another city". "I'm really sorry about that, Martin. I wish you weren't going" Carla replied. "Well, thank you, Carla! It's very kind of you to say so".
"The new teacher won't be as good as you are. I'm sure the lessons won't be as good as yours". said the student. "That's so nice of you!" said Mark, flattered.
"Yes" continued Carla "I've been coming to this school for five years now and every new teacher has been worse than the one before!"
SAMMY |
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The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.
Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other's clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to rise to the occasion three times. Three times!
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks. "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in" she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages and then three come all at once!"
RANDOM SHITE
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The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered - "THE TEETH".
AURORA SNOW |
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British Prime Minister David Cameron goes to a science exhibition and is shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The man in charge invites him to ask any question he likes.
Cameron asks "What will Australia be like in 100 years' time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives a printout, which the man reads: "The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries".
He has another go "What will China be like in 100 years' time?" Another print out: "The country will be the world's leading economy and everyone there will enjoy the highest standard of living in the world".
Cameron then asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years' time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action. The man gets a printout, but he just stares at it. "Come on" says Cameron "What does it say?" The man replies "Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!"
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Am I done? Yep. Except for whatever comes after I say 'this'...
-Check out the site archives. DO NOT MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fifty Shades Of Somethin' Something'.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill you. Or rape you, then kill you. Or kill you, then rape you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... write that down. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.04.04-sometime |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Show us your ganache.
I love when everything just comes together. It's been a couple of absolutely ridiculous months. Literally always something to do or happening or whatever and so on and on and on. The whole moving house thing, the internet connection ordeal, some frustrating Orsm server issues, Easter and all finally culminating with a trip the fuck outta here...
Which is where I should be this very moment unless something untoward has happened. And by that, aside from the obvious like a plane crash or other catastrophe, I mean an incident with the douche nozzle airport security staff who always seem to take issue with me. "You can't take a lighter", "take off your hat", "stay in line", "don't smile". They are fucking assholes. Like a cross between a fascist guard from some dystopian reality and a constantly disappointed parent. But hey - they get paid to fuck people off so in some ways I envy them.
Anyway, destination this time is Jakarta, Indonesia. My second trip there in as many years and again to see friends. Don't particularly need a break at the moment though so we wouldn't actually be going if it weren't to see them but let's face facts - I'm not in the business of avoiding holidays. Jakarta is definitely one of those places you love or hate and thankfully I rate it as one of the best places I've ever. The obscenely high pollution, filth, unimaginable traffic and 10M+ population have their moments but so does the amazing food, shopping and cool shit to explore. For somewhere that's only a 4 hour plane ride from home the contrast between here and there could not be more different and, for me at least, that's the appeal.
We're there for a week and were then supposed to direct flight home but good old Jetstar up to their good old tricks tried to screw us by cancelling the flight and instead making the return through Singapore. 4 hours would have blown out to over 10 including the stop. So on to the phone to them for what felt like an eternity mixed with some polite negotiating managed to extend that 2-hour layover to 1.5 days. Awesome. Have been to Singa's before also but the GF is a newbie so trying to work out what to see and where to go. It's a big city and there's lots to do so I'm sure we'll work it out...
Okay I reckon that will about do it with the blog this week. God knows I love the sound of my own keystrokes but I'd rather let you guys get busy chowing down on the update. A serious chunk of my life went into putting it all together and its even bigger and better than usual... as if that were even possible of course but what you guys are about to experience has 100 new videos, an RS double shot plus a whole lot more. My gift to you. Check it...
Crazy Digger - Sake Bombs!! - Weapon Guy - Face Slam - This Is News? - Free BJ's - Tits For Nuts - First Time Ever
Nun Facial - Bad Temper - Porn Tryout - Brain Freeze - FB Fail - Crazy Cunt - Gorgeous Cans - Camel Toe - Wild "O"
Grossed Out - Stupid Idea - Who's Sicker? - Disturbing - Choke Fucked - Happy Ending - Cosplay Babes - WHOA
Two Irishmen sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shakes his head and asks "Why the hell do they do that?" "Do what?" replies Mick. "Go on them bikes for miles and miles, up and down the hills, round the bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's icy, rainin', snowin', hailin'... why would they torture themselves like that?" "It's all for the prestige and the money" says Mick. "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros". "Yeah, I understand that" says Seamus "But why do all the others do it?"
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A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there" said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires... maybe I can help". "You sure can" the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done".
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The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!" They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality"...
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My chat up line has a perfect strike rate. All I ask, when I see a girl on her own is "I have a knife in one hand and my cock in the other, one of these is going in you... your choice?"
LEGGINGS/yoga pants |
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UNUSUAL DEATHS
-Bernd-Jürgen Brandes, from Germany, was voluntarily stabbed repeatedly and then partly eaten by Armin Meiwes. Brandes had answered an internet advertisement by Meiwes looking for someone for this purpose. Brandes explicitly stated in his will that he wished to be killed and eaten.
-Homer and Langley Collyer were compulsive hoarders. The two brothers had a fear of throwing anything away and obsessively collected newspapers and other junk in their house. They even set up booby-traps in corridors and doorways to protect against intruders. In 1947, an anonymous tip called that there was a dead body in the Collyer house, and after much initial difficulty getting in, the police found Homer Collyer dead and Langley nowhere to be found. About two weeks later, after removing nearly 100 tons of garbage from the house, workers found Langley Collyer's partialy decomposed body just 10 feet away from where they had found his brother. Apparently, Langley had been crawling through tunnels of newspapers to bring food to his paralysed brother when he set off one of his own booby-traps. Homer died several days later from starvation.
-Michael Colombini, a 6-year-old American boy from Croton-on-Hudson, New York, was struck and killed, at Westchester Regional Medical Center, by a 6.5-pound metal oxygen tank when it was pulled into the magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) machine while he underwent a test.
-Jerome Irving Rodale was a proponent of healthy eating. After bragging that he would "live to 100, unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazy taxi driver", Rodale died of a heart attack while being interviewed on the Dick Cavett Show in 1971. Appearing fast asleep, Dick Cavett joked "Are we boring you, Mr Rodale?" before discovering that his 72-year-old guest had indeed died. The show never aired.
-Pizza delivery guy Brian Douglas Wells was killed by a collar bomb. He was apprehended by the police after robbing a bank and claimed he had been forced to do it by three people who had put the bomb around his neck and would kill him if he refused. The bomb later exploded killing him instantly.
-Christine Chubbuck was the first and only TV news reporter to commit suicide during a live television broadcast. On July 15, 1974, eight minutes into the broadcast, the depressed reporter said "In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts, and in living colour, you are going to see another first - an attempted suicide". With that, Chubbuck drew up a revolver and shot herself in the head.
-Dr Hitoshi Christopher Nikaidoh, a surgeon, was decapitated as he stepped on to an elevator at the hospital he worked. According to a witness, the doors closed as Nikaidoh entered, trapping his head inside the elevator with the remainder of his body still outside. His body was later found at the bottom of the elevator shaft while the upper portion of his head, severed just above the lower jaw, was found in the elevator. An investigation revealed that improper electrical wiring installed by a maintenance company several days earlier had effectively bypassed all of the elevator's safeguards.
-Robert Williams was the first man ever killed by a robot. On January 25, 1979, Williams climbed into a storage rack at the Ford's motor casting plant to retrieve a part because the parts-retrieval robot malfunctioned. Suddenly, the robot reactivated and slammed its arm into Williams' head, killing him instantly.
-Phillip Quinn, a 24-year-old, was killed during an attempt to heat up a lava lamp bulb on his kitchen stove while observing it from a few feet away. The heat built up pressure in the bulb until it exploded, spraying shards of glass, one of which pierced his heart, killing him.
-Actor Vic Morrow died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie when a helicopter spun out of control due to special effect explosions, crashed, and decapitated him with its rotor blades. Two other child actors also died.
-Ronald McClagish, died after being trapped inside a cupboard for a week. A wardrobe in the bedroom outside had fallen over trapping him. In an effort to free himself, McClagish accidentally wrenched a water pipe from the wall and the water gushing from the pipe eventually caused his death from bronchitis. His body was not discovered until two weeks later.
-In 1982, 27-year-old David Grundman and a roommate decided to do a little "cactus plugging" by shooting the desert plants with a shotgun. The first one, a small cactus, went off without a hitch and Grundman was encouraged to try a larger prey - a 26-foot-tall Saguaro cactus. Unfortunately, Grundman blasted off a large chuck of the cactus that fell on him and squashed him to death.
-A Taiwanese woman died of alcohol intoxication after immersion for 12 hours in a bathtub filled with 40% ethanol. Her blood alcohol content was 1.35%. It was believed that she immersed herself as a response to the ongoing SARS epidemic.
-In 1985, to celebrate their first drowning-free season ever, the lifeguards of the New Orleans recreation department decided to throw themselves a party. When the party ended, a 31-year-old guest named Jerome Moody was found dead on the bottom of the pool.
ORSM
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Dear Mum and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.
We are okay.
Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a paedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole.
NIP SLIPS: LIFES GREATEST LITTLE 'OOOPS' |
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He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.
This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered "Yes... yes I will!"
Whilst the evening ended on a happy note for the widower, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes or did she say no? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?"
"Why you silly man I said, Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
She continued "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
ORSM
VIDEO
An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment...
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, me lad. It 'tis certainly true but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call".
RANDOM SHITE #1
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied "I don't know mister, it don't look so good" and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied "I told you it don't look so good!"
SWEET DELECTABLE CHRISSY |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna South Australia and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set up another crow as a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah" but he could not say "Truck".
A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but is having trouble finding a clarinet player.
Finally, he calls an agent who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinettist". The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem". "Well," replies the contractor "that's all I've got". "All right," says the conductor "I'm getting pretty desperate, so I guess I'll have to take him".
The first rehearsal is a week later. The conductor arrives early and notices the new clarinettist, wearing a suit and tie, with a pencil on his stand, sitting on stage practicing his part.
During the rehearsal, the clarinettist plays his part quite well, and is responsive to all the conductor's requests. At the second rehearsal, a week later, the same thing happens. This time, the clarinettist turns in a nearly perfect performance.
One week later, at the final dress rehearsal, this occurs again, with the clarinettist now playing his part flawlessly.
At the break in the rehearsal, the conductor says to the orchestra "I've got an apology to make. I was really dreading having to work with a jazz musician, but I must say that our clarinet player has certainly proved me wrong. He is always neatly dressed, he was always here early for the rehearsals, working on the part, and he has really learned the music".
Then, to the clarinet player he says "I just wanted to tell you that I truly appreciate your effort and dedication". To which the clarinettist replies "Hey man, it's the least I can do, considering I can't make it to the show".
time for a soak? time for a soak! |
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DATING AROUND THE WORLD
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second Date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.
SCOTTISH WOMEN:
First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second Date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.
ARAB WOMEN:
First date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No Third date:
The point? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SCOTTISH WOMEN!?
ORSM
VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? It'll be back soon but submissions are ALWAYS welcome. Just click here and do eeeet!!
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way".
The doc said "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week".
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together - an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts".
He whips down his pants and says "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
SNOWMEN |
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The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied "I want to see Valerie".
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied "No, I must see Valerie".
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000". Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". "Where are you from?" The man replied "New Brunswick". "Really?" she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ". "I know" the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney". "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance".
RANDOM SHITE #2
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh! Am I driving?"
GEORGIA JONES #WINNING |
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Here is the one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.
The word is UP.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now... my time is UP!
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not... it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP!
ORSM
VIDEO
Well it's been good but this update now comes to an end. I've been putting this one together for weeks and weeks and even more weeks so hopefully you enjoyed surfing it otherwise it was all a giant waste of my time. Oh yeah - read the following...
-Check out the site archives. It is your des-t-iny.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Can't wait to see you!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will be responsibles for next weeks update too...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your chin up. It's the only way you'll see idiots coming. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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