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| orsmupdate 2011.04.28-20.04 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't be sexist. Bitches hate it.
You'd have to be pretty far off the grid to be unaware of the Royal Wedding and as usual the most interesting part is the media invasion. Heard somewhere that six to seven thousand reporters from around the world have converged on London all with the aim of digging up the most trivial and irrelevant crap but I guess with an expected audience of two billion just about any story is newsworthy. I doubt many of us could imagine what that sort of scrutiny feels like and don't particularly envy the soon to be married couple - weddings and all the insanity that go with them are hard enough without the pressure of unprecedented security operations, threats of disruption and playing host to world leaders amongst other things. Will I be watching though? Absolutely.
Moving on to one of the best long weekends I've ever had. As mentioned previously, Easter coinciding with Anzac day this year provided five whole days with which to escape reality. We started talking about getting away a few months back and despite several game plan changes, seven of us ended up in a house together - me, my sis and brother-in-law, two of their friends, two of my friends and a baby. I did wonder if sticking people who didn't know each other together would lead to personality clashes but the exact opposite was true.
Good Friday. Made it to my friends place by 8am to load the car, fit the baby capsule and finally head south for Dunsborough. Surprisingly traffic wasn't much of an issue and the journey was made easier by having the lead car [about fifteen minutes ahead] sms'ing the many speed camera locations. Arrived by around midday in time to enjoy a tasty meat pie for lunch. Sorry Jesus. The rest of the day was pretty low key - gathered supplies, sipped coffee, an evening stroll, dinner and... one of my least favourite things - games. Card games, board games, puzzles - not my bag at all. Much rather be out exploring stuff, watching a movie or anything else however cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard. Who would've thought UNO could be so much fun? What followed was apparently also pretty funny for dickholes that scored a queen bed. The way it worked out, I was relegated to the fucking bunk bed... the fucking bunk bed designed for a child... the fucking bunk bed not designed for a 6'3 large-framed adult male. Needless to say sleeping was an uncomfortable exercise.
Got an early morning walk along the coast happening on what was a picturesque Saturday, stumbled across a community fete thing, grabbed coffee and regrouped for lunch at an olive farm. There's an amazing wood fired bread place not too far from there which we hit on the way out, just as they were unloading the ovens. Best shit ever and a bread lovers paradise.
After another cramped night's sleep I was up at 5am Sunday and decided to duck out with the camera to capture the sunrise however the inclement weather made it a waste of time. Came back to head off for a quick walk which morphed into an epic 10.68km personal best. Reconvened with the crew for coffee before heading out to a brewery which was incredibly busy but with so much eye candy floating around it definitely wasn't a bad thing. Was hesitant to follow the consensus that evening when someone whipped out the board games but once again - who'd have thought it would actually be fun?
Kicked off Anzac Monday with another early photography expedition along the coast which was thankfully more successful. Don't think more activities could've been squeezed into the day if we tried either - caught up with a mate for coffee [see a pattern forming here?], spent half an hour sitting in traffic trying to get fuel, stopped at some touristy places specialising in overpriced junk, discovered a new ice-creamery, swung by a winery for tasting, a brewery and another winery. It was about then that the baby-on-board power spewed breast milk in my car. Normally this would be a friendship-ending event but as was reminded to me, I accepted the possibility by agreeing to have him in the first place. It's all good anyway because I'm patient and have a good memory so when he gets his first car I plan to return the favour.
Had tried desperately hard to have a dry or [not drunk] weekend and was doing well until that night but a casual meal at a local restaurant, a lotta red wine and jovial atmosphere put end to that. We ended up in a bar for a few hours afterwards where the party continued and made it home in time for a few hands of drunken UNO. Sensational night all round.
Another unwanted early start on Tuesday was put to use packing and cleaning for departure. Coffee was attempted on the way out but with seemingly every other person within 100kms having the same idea we gave it a miss and got moving. As expected, traffic was diabolical and turned what would normally be a 2.5 hour drive into something closer to 4. How the fuck traffic can come to a standstill in a 110kmh zone on a country road will mystify me for the rest of my days. All up though it was five days of just what the doctor ordered. Couldn't have had more fun, eaten more chocolate or enjoyed myself anymore.
Alright let's get busy with a brand spanking new update. The plan was for this bitch to be somewhat truncated although guilt got the better of me and I worked late into Tuesday night after getting home. My point is that everything is back to brilliance so what you clowns will find below should hopefully crack a few smiles, generate a few erections and keep you from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing. Check it...
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Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
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accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Tower Defense - A Cool Ginger? - Hollywood Challenge - AC/DC Babe - Side Boob - Quick Respects - College Couple
Just For Kids - The Glory Hole - Gaga's Mum? - Slap Fight - Tits On TV - Angry Vandal - Wonderful - Rodeo Tits
So So Gay - Beyonce Tit - Too High - Magic Tongue - Carnivale Cleav - Tali-pwnd - Food Fight - Musical Savant
A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room. He asks the first man, who replies "I hold a porno mag." The second says "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net." The third says "I hold a sponge." The researcher, baffled, says "Why a sponge?" "Well, I've got to use something to bathe my daughter."
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There is an annual contest at University of New Brunswick calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness". The winner wrote: Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death!
ORSM
VIDEO
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy snaps into action and quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the nearest hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy could hardly believe it but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on the same bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". Sure enough, there's Mick doing some serious work on the treadmill.
The next day Mick is back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says "He's dead". Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in". "No" says the nurse "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".
| HANNAH HILTON |
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IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with us today!
ORSM
VIDEO
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
| SHOWER TIME |
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Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later on their wedding night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well mum" she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mum, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."
| DRUNK |
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READER MAIL
This is such a gay time of the year... and by gay I mean two guys putting their penises up each other's bungholes kind of gay. Everything goes a bit quiet as the northern hemisphere gets off the computer and heads out to enjoy the warmer weather which in turn leaves the mail bag a little lighter. Season envy is also a very real problem as the cold creeps into my life so I hope all of you northerners get so severely sunburnt that you're forced back inside and online.
SO... if you would like to contribute to Orsm and have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or anything that can be sent down the internets... it's all welcome! And if I've seen it before, I know where the delete key is. Feel free to add me to your mailing list - whatever. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts or feels good. It's what cool people do. It's what Jesus would do. Check it...
Frank wrote:
Subject: literally is only the half of it
on the subject of this literally it really grinds my gears how people have accepted standards for sayings that are wrong the most famous one is people saying nip it in the butt instead of bud. on tender hooks instead of tenterhooks, the other day i heard someone say it was a doggy-dog world we live in. I've noticed reporters saying them too, anyway thats my gripe. I think it's been termed "eggcorn" but it's a malapropism. any way good work with the site have a great weekend. I'm going to go curl up in the feeble position.
I'm sure we can get a list of these going. Got any that drive you crazy? Email me. -Orsm |
Ryan wrote:
Subject: Jesus Christ! Glee sucks!
chopped this together and thought you might like it |
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Sharks on the Golf Course?
Orsmness, You have got to be kidding me!?!? Sharks inhabit water hazards on the courses
in Australia? I wont be going after that Nike Pro V1 after-all... Keep up the great work! Link to golf course [here].
Brings a whole new meaning to water hazzard. -Orsm |
bernie wrote:
Subject: Melb. street gang
Gday ORSM. This is to put the stupid wog kids from Melb. on notice. It don't matter that they gutlessly cover their baby faces with mid east tea towles! They have been stupid enough to challenge Aussies (from all ethnic backgrounds) so their days are well and truely numbered. This mob is so stupid I'm sure they need instructions to breath! they give WOGS a bad name.
Being a gigantic f-ing moron has little to do with nationality. They're just thugs with nothing better to do than act tough... a phase that most people grow out of in their teens before moving on to actually contribute to society. -Orsm |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Mother Robin & her kids
It must have been hard for "kids" to leave the nest, Parents give you shelter from the rain, feed you and clean up after you, then you just leave. Much like a lot of kids today. This is wonderful .... |
junk wrote:
Subject: Awesome car!
We were driving around in southern Louisiana, USA and stumbled across this beauty. Have no clue what it is, or even was but I thought it was awesome.
Whatever it is I want one. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: on the back of woolworths mens locker room door
on the back of woolworths mens locker room door there was this posted up.. very orsm worthy. hide my details please ;) enjoy. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: interesting choice
Hiya, A few weeks ago I was checking the Sydney Morning Herald site and saw an article about bodies found in a shed and clicked the link to read the story. Thought it was interesting that the google maps link showed an
info bubble with only some interesting choices showing at the bottom considering the contants of the article. Have a look for yourself. |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Take a look at this
This photo was taken at a rally at the Arizona State capitol. The news will not show it and the Capitol Police and Homeland Security would not let Americans or any of the Veterans that were there do anything about it. |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: toilets in Eastland
In the toilets in Eastland in Ringwood... Right words?
The Grammar Police are never far away. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dumbass Dubbo Photo
G'day Mr Orsm, First time sending something through. Dubbo, NSW is not a great place at the best of time's and as can be shown by this sign at a caravan park we stayed in things seem to be pretty fucked up and full of useless information. Keep the name and address withheld please. |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Random Shit
I saw it and thought of you.
Balls and wieners made you think of me...? -Orsm |
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Ninja wrote:
Subject: Our poor elderly
Spotted this and just knew it was set for ORSM.net. The poor elderly cant even have a quiet game of lawn bowls without having a
dirty big reminder they they havnt got long to live. What a joke!
A win for targeted marketing. -Orsm |
Ollie wrote:
Subject: Wild Radial Motorcycle
Gday ORSM, Long time follower. Attached are some photos of my new bike that was delivered to me before I re-deployed to Afghanistan. Her engine was made in Australia by Rotec and the rest was made by JRL Cycles in Blackhawk, South Dakota, US. Here's their link www.jrlcycles.com She's got a hell of a sound!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: naked pics...
been a big fan of this website for a long time and been waiting to make a donation :) soooooo this chick has been sending me these pics and now i found out she sending them to other men too. so might as well help her out! enjoy guys... with hold my info please |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Creatures Found After Tsunami
As everyone knows, the tsunami in Southeast Asia was devastating both in the loss of life and economically to the region. However, now that the cleanup is underway in the region, deep sea creatures that live too deep to be studied are being found scattered throughout the wreckage. These creatures were washed up on shore when the waves hit. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Rate My Dick
Just to get some feed back on what my dick looks like. Attach my email and ask for scale 1 to 10. Homosexuals and ladies are prefered judges.
This should be interesting. -Orsm |
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trug8tor wrote:
Subject: U can smile now
A couple pics if you can use them
Can always use big tit pics. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Roadside exhaust repairs
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can not it get us out? |
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Tanya wrote:
Subject: PICS 20 Apr
Hey ORSM peeps: Do you guys know how to make a girl feel good or what? I have been described in your very appreciated emails in words I thought were only for D-cupped, J-Lo-butt hot chicks, like "fucking hot", "perfect tits", "ass of a goddess", smokin' bod", "angel nips". And if I took up all your offers of cumshots I could open a sperm bank! Making my head spin! But if you keep on cumming I'll keep 'em coming. So here's some tits for the ORSM gang, who are now a part of web-porn history, as this is my internet debut of showing full tits 'n' nips online, and you were there! And as always, If you drop me an email I will send some good ol' fashion flashin' pics and FAQ about me your way, but PLEASE remember I don't chat, so if you don't send an email you won't get pics. Another big thanks to ORSM dude for providing the venue for my public (pubic?) slutification. This site totally rocks esp RS! Bye for now! |
neil wrote:
Subject: H&S Alert
Poor lighting on stairwell
Sadly some accidents are unavoidable. -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: WA Celebrates:
It was a good ad, and it did sorta make us feel proud, but don't miss part two when reality came into play. Just think of the great politicians we've had in that time... Alanna MacTeena built a railway line but forgot to provide parking for users. Troy Buswell - the minister for transport who is a self confessed authority on seat smelling, he kept twelve brand new railway carriages for 'spares'' while the system was being overloaded. Colin Barnett - who bought his premiership because his party could'nt get enuff votes and now is taxing everything to get his money back. not to forget the lisping farmer who used the money he got from the premier to install outback dunnies at more than $250,000 a pop (or is that poop?)
Terribly racist and kind of incorrect but should provide a laugh to locals who aren't bleeding heart do-gooders. -Orsm |
ORSM VIDEO
Four old guys go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very proud of how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a huge share portfolio".
| KAYDEN KROSS |
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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman. If he takes the bible, he will be a priest. But if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10 dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife inquired. "He's gonna be a politician!" the father replied.
RANDOM SHITE
I'm going to make an RS you must peruse. Check it...
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa.
"Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say 'beep' and then to get it soft again you say 'beep, beep'". "How marvellous" the old man said. "Yes, but I must warn you" the doctor said "it's only going to work three times before you die."
On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. 'Beep!' he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said 'beep beep' and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went 'beep' and the car in the opposite lane responded with 'beep beep'.
Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to speed it up. He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey!!" he shouted at her, "Don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hop into bed!" Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed he said 'beep' and he was UP.
Just as he was starting to enter his young wife when she said "What's all this 'beep beep' shit?"
| KYRA |
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There was once an Englishman and a Scotsman who lived next door to each other. The Englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Scotsman pick up the egg. The Englishman ran up to the Scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes in the following way: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker keeps the egg."
The Scotsman agreed to this and so the English man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Englishman said "Keep the fucking egg!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that, girls and boys, is that. Had a lot of fun sticking this update together which is surprising because I'd much rather still be away on holidays. Before you go please read the following... it will avoid that awkward situation where you ask a question that's already been answered and I'm thereby forced to publically humiliate you...
- Check out the site archives... because let's face it - you really don't have fuck all else to do.
- Next update will be next Thursday... and you'll be back to check it because let's face it - you really don't have fuck all else to do.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will arrive on your doorstep unannounced expecting a free room, food and money. He'll well and truly outstay his welcome so when you finally force the issue and tell him he's leaving, Ray will set fire to your stuff then climb on top of your house to protest. He'll stay there for days, threaten suicide, throw roof tiles at the people putting out the fires and generally make a cunt of himself. Inexplicably, fucktard members of the community will show up to support Ray's protest and demand he be allowed to stay even though he's a bad person. And why? Because those are the length's Ray will go if he has to.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do what makes me happy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.04.21-20.57 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. People don't get me because I make sense.
It's kind of quiet. Kind of like everyone is just inconspicuously keeping their heads down so the deliciously long five-day Easter weekend will hurry the fuck up and get here... and it can't come fast enough. I'm usually gagging like a little bitch for a break this time of year but that isn't quite the case. Don't ask me why... maybe something to do with the lingering remnants of summer or a general upbeat mood but it's probably better not to question these things and thereby tempt fate. The point is that five-day-anything's are rarer than my friend Ray choosing to eat a salad.
One of my biggest pet peeves -other than cunty drivers- is flagrant misuse of the word 'literally'. Don't get me wrong - I'm a staunch supporter of trying to come across as more intelligent than I actually am by using big words and stuff but 'literally' seems to be the unashamed favourite of many. I recently heard someone say "I was literally gutted when I found out". My first thought was how did the poor thing survive this brutal disembowelment? She should however have said 'figuratively gutted' but instead made herself sound stupid. Not necessarily a bad thing - realising someone is stupid is proof you are smarter so on the other hand I literally encourage literally everyone to continue using literally, literally any time they can.
While we're on realisations, mine this week was that being a man of leisure is not my thing. Tuesday was the third time that the [bastard] power company has chopped my electricity for a day. Something to do with replacing power poles which admittedly looked well past their used by date but shit was still working otherwise so whatever. Anyway the day was instead spent socialising, walking aimlessly around a shopping centre and then a few hours smashing coffee and brownies. But rather than enjoy the fact that this already shortened week was made shorter still, the feeling I was supposed to be doing something productive plus a strong computer/internets detachment, dominated. Felt like I hadn't worked toward and therefore didn't deserve.
Honestly don't know how people do it. I've got mates who don't work or surf all day or spend their lives travelling and whilst all that stuff is fantabulous in small doses, I can't imagine a life where there's no sense of achievement come knock-off time. People who spend fifty years in the workforce, retire then go back months later finally make sense. And this isn't one of those 'my biggest weakness is my indefatigable work ethic' things... I'm saying my idealised version of happiness -moving somewhere quiet with no people around and nothing to do- would probably drive me insane.
Moving on to other crap, let's cover weekendly activities and events because it's easier than conjuring opinion that 'really makes you think'...
I woke up at 6-fucking-a.m. on Saturday. No real reason for it except something in my body or brain is retarded and won't sleep longer than six hours. Anyway the first thing planned was breakfast with friends... and by breakfast I mean orange juice and a chat. Hardly seemed worth it but confining one's self to the house, particularly when the house is borderline decrepit, is no way to start a weekend. From there it was errands and back home for the rest of day to attack the mountain of paperwork which has been increasing at an exponential rate. FYI the paperless office is a myth.
Got a tag-along invite to a housewarming thing that evening for some girl I didn't know with a whole bunch of other people I didn't know in a suburb I didn't know existed. Needless to say it is already one of the more forgettable experiences of my life except perhaps for the double dipper lady. Try and imagine a big creamy dip sitting on a plate surrounded by chunks of bread which were for the purpose of -you guessed it- dipping. I watched with astonishment as one particular old bat dunked a chunk, took a bite, then re-dunked the chunk. Over and over. As if it was hers alone, as if everyone wanted to consume her scrumptious germs. Lesson: never eat non-single serve items at parties.
Put another unnecessarily early start Sunday to good use by taking the mutt for a walk ahead of giving the car an overdue wash and catching up with a friend who dropped by. Next was a family lunch with a family I don't belong to and a combination of the F1 Grand Prix, the V8 Supercars and football to wind down the afternoon in front of the TV. Sedate weekend was good.
Okay so I alluded last week to a behemoth update happening however no-electricity-Tuesday put an end to that. Long story short - Reader Mail got the chop [and also will next week due to the aforementioned Easter weekend]. I have at least tried to make it up in other ways so there's a double up of RS and a crapload of new videos. In other words you clowns get more this way, it just may not feel like it. Check it...
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Fallen World - Naked Teens - Heads In Jars - Miley's Tat - Buscemi Eyes - Skinny Much? - Cumming On Cam
Startin' Young - Chunky Butt - Baby Cakes - Leaping Cow - The Douche - Church Pornografied - Shower Fuck
Sexy Wedgies - Kim Kardashian - Wrecked It - Feeling Shitty - Croc Attack - Wedding Dance - Epic Nutshot
What do you call a Pakistani submarine commander? Gandeep Undawatta.
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Why does the Easter bunny hide eggs? He doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking the chickens.
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A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of your driver". The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says: "No, the other end."
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Just had some really bad news. My Thai girlfriend has testicular cancer.
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
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At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank... they let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
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Man sitting in the pub with his wife and he said "I love you" She said "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replied "It's me talking to the beer!"
ORSM
VIDEO
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
| GEORGIA JONES |
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In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain in Queensland first for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark
"Noah!" he roared, "I've started the rain in Queensland! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for an on-board sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood by-laws by building the Ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to Go to the Council Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Mopoke. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the Mopokes but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang. Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the Australian Taxation Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared over Queensland, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "Looks like I've been beaten to it!"
RANDOM SHITE
Why? Because it's the right thing to do. Check it...
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A group of four guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One of the guys was transferred by his employer to another city and it just wasn't the same without him.
A new lady member overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes' but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30am.
He hoped the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person too and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed - could not figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late..."
| SUCK IT |
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Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
| DAYTIME TV IS AWESOME |
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ORSM VIDEO
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a CL63 AMG to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays their mother sent out Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me and expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
| ERIN NICOLE |
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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddad had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddad dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is okay and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life. He is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning!"
RANDOM SHITE
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A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice."
A little more boldly he then pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!" he thought "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man this is great" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
| JOEY HART |
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LIZARD BIRTH
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey" I called "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, mum!" I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me sarcastically.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie IS a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they umm... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just... excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly" the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on it's... it's... teeny little..."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, dad" he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
ORSM
VIDEO
Su umm... that's that. Please read the following [if you know what's good for you]...
- Check out the site archives. They can cure loneliness.
- Next update will be next Thursday. If I feel like.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will slam you into the lockers, knock your pencil case off the desk, call you names, get everyone to no-mate you and then meet you at bike racks after school to kick your ass.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a good Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.04.14-19.30 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch?
Not to jinx myself but feels like just about everything is going my way lately. I'm even -dare I say it- content. My energy levels have been at peak too which in turn has my motivation to get out and do literally anything on offer at an all-time high. Opening of an envelope and all that. Let's hope forces within the universe aren't reading and don't spite me accordingly.
There's been a ridiculous amount of discussion recently about travel and particularly synching it with friends. And therein lies the problem. Everyone already has trips booked at various times so figuring out some way to put our little crew together is easier said than done. The current options are Jakarta in August, Thailand for Christmas and/or Jakarta for New Years. August will be more disruptive plus Indonesia has Orsm blocked so getting online to update could be problematic. Xmas/NY would be perfect because its holidays anyway and would preclude me from suffering through any family crap however options to house the dog are limited.
Whenever it happens, will be my first time on a plane and out of the country since I was a kid. The whole Europe adventure thing so, so, so many embark on in their late teens was never my thing and since then I just haven't had the inclination. Oh and why JK? Because I have besties there that I've promised to visit.
Funeral songs are a topic that comes up occasionally amongst various cohorts. Basically what songs do you want played at your funeral. I've never really been able to lock them down - have far too many favourites but a moment of clarity struck recently and it appears that I now have a working list. Unfortunately for the attendees of my funeral it will probably be a drawn out affair because I can't get it below five and obviously the number of people wishing to speak as to my exceptional character could extend for hours. Hopefully when I cross the road to get to the other side someone will dig up the list: Beachball, Call On Me, Landslide, Take 5 and Gypsy.
Moving on. If weekends keep being this awesome I'll know for sure that I'm living in a virtual world or perhaps trapped in a coma. Three of the last four have attained the much sought after 'superb' rating and I'm lapping it up because once Easter is behind us shit will undoubtedly slow to a crawl as every fucker settles in to hibernate for winter. Infants are an ever increasing threat to my social activities too. At last count there were 16 couples/friends/acquaintances/whatever either had or expecting bubs this year alone. Crazy.
Anyway Friday... after a pretty standard day the evening did improve. One of my chums was in town which meant beer, dinner and ice cream. Home safe and sound by 11 I decided it was far too early for bed and got on the phone to see who I could wrangle for a coffee somewhere/anywhere but ultimately came to the realisation that spontaneity may very well be dead.
Early start Saturday to walk the pooch ahead of a massive day. The task was to finish the flooring project begun a few weeks back... the one I said should only take a couple of hours. Not quite. Six hours, two hardware store runs, several fuck ups, lots of swearing and some anger was all it took. Seriously why does scotia have to be such a little bitch?
With sweet-fuck-all planned that evening I asked a couple of friends if they'd be interested in a quiet dinner somewhere. An hour later we were at a restaurant eating the finest gnocchi in the history of the world. An hour after that I was drunk. An hour after that it was back to their place to carry on the impromptu festivities. This is why I prefer to drive... if my car is involved it rules out drinking and forces me to behave.
Sunday was Struggle Town as I tried to recover from an overconsumption of wine and spirits. The lesson here is that I don't handle booze as well as I used to. Got picked up mid-morning for dim sum... not exactly ideal but it had been so locked in so too bad. Next up was a community festival thing... essentially just a closed suburban street with lots of stalls selling everything from cupcakes to floor tiles with some live music and street performers. The rest of it, for me at least, was a good chance to do some people watching - we found a good spot to sit and quietly passing judgement on passers-by. Ended up later in the nearest pub although I was strictly on water for the duration. Good day was good. Best weekend I've had all week.
Alright enough. If you were smart you've already scrolled right past to the cool stuff and saved yourself five minutes of self-indulgent dribbling. If not, be happy that it only gets better from here. Check it...
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Hot Pursuit - Claymores - Scary Old Hag - I'm All Good! - Ghost Towns - Slut March - That Ass - Touch Wood
A British Airways flight was headed towards Jamaica when the pilot makes an announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, our plane seems to be overloaded and we're losing altitude. We will be offloading some baggage to help us on our way". Half an hour later the pilot makes another announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we are still overweight and we regret to inform you we will be offloading passengers, but to be fair we will be doing it in alphabetical order. Will all Africans come to the front? Now can the Blacks, Coons and Darkies follow them?"
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Man said to wife: "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now!" She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard." He said "No, seriously, the footy's about to start... fuck off!"
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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma" she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my arse coming into work today..."
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Mrs Jones phones her estate agent to ask why he had valued her house at £150k when Mr Mohammed's next door had been valued at £200k when they were exactly the same. He replied by telling her that Mr Mohammed didn't live next door to a Paki...
ORSM
VIDEO
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice in baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently [incorrectly?], but still call it 'English'.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
| JAMIE HAMMER |
 |
|
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered "One of them is a cannibal."
ORSM
VIDEO
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum"
| LET'S SEE SOME TIT! |
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|
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out.
At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
| ART IN DECAY |
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|
You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
The concept of Reader Mail is simple - people submit whatever the hell they like, I sort the good from the bad and post accordingly. Now get to it...
If you would like to contribute to Orsm and have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or anything that can be sent down the internets... it's all welcome! And if I've seen it before, well I know where the delete key is. Feel free to add me to your mailing list - whatever. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts or feels good. It's what cool people do. It's what Jesus would do. Check it...
Patrick wrote:
Subject: Pic of the JFK
On your update from today. You have a picture of the JFK at Malta. The JFK
is not a nuclear aircraft carrier. I work for the company that makes the US
Nuclear Carriers. CVN 65 USS Enterprise is nuclear. CVN 68 USS Nimitz is
Nuclear. But CV 66 and CV 67 non-nuclear. The last non-nuc the US made. |
Robert wrote:
Subject: USS JFK CV-67
The JFK is not a nuke carrier. It was the last US conventional carrier built and is 1052 ft long. it is presently decommissioned. The USS Ronald Regan is 1092 ft long and is the newest of the Nimitz class. |
Craig wrote:
Subject: RE: BBQ pic
My but doesn't the tray they are resting on look hygienic. and what are the other morsels?????? Innards, maybe? Yummy. |
Jono wrote:
Subject: knockedupnightmares.com
Anyway's to cut to the chase, my wife is expecting a baby, and with that comes the most amazing mood swings. So a few workmates and I have decided to create the site as a light hearted way to vent and as a way to show other guys that it's not all bad, and that especially to see that they are not on their own.
Scary is the number of friends and fam squeezing out pups this year so this is entirely relevant. -Orsm |
Jason wrote:
Subject: Justin Bieber vs Slipknot
I don't particularly care for Slipknot and naturally I can't stand Bieber, but this mashup is all kinds of awesome. It's really amazing how well the beats of the two songs merge so well.
There is nothing that can make Justin Bieber cool. Nothing. -Orsm |
Trent wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Is that a nipple I see, some random on fb
Definitely nipple and nipple makes me smile. -Orsm |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Spandex !!
Hey Mr. Orsm, Saw this at the mall. Some Canadian girls should just learn that it's wrong to wear spandex. Hopefully she will see this photo and never do it again !!!! Please keep my details private.
Who was it that said 'spandex is a privilege not a right'? -Orsm |
 |
steve wrote:
Subject: gumtree
perth kick me in the balls - Furniture - Gumtree Morley
Doesn't sound like something you'd have to advertise for. Plenty of people would be happy to swing a boot for free. -Orsm |
 |
Matt wrote:
Subject: Wut the Fuk
With Hold my Deets n "Wut the Fuk" Please
Coolest dog ever. -Orsm |
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Aalim wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This douchebag never knows how to park at my school!
There is method to this madness because by occupying two spots he can avoid other morons opening their door into his panels. -Orsm |
 |
Tom wrote:
Subject: Obama
Obama's Blue Hawaii
Can't work out why this is still such a big issue. Hasn't it been proven that Obama was born on US soil and is a US citizen? And surely the FBI or CIA or whoever would have vetted him prior to being elected? -Orsm |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: lovely facebook photos
Gday mate, I was just browsing facebook and came along these lovely photos of a shiela who took some glamour shots of her friend while on the shita. Feel free to use them on your site, please with hold my details please. |
Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Skirt to Short ??
HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOUR SKIRT IS TOO SHORT....????
This happened to me once. Needless to say I've worn longer skirts ever since. -Orsm |
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Obi wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi orsm. Saw this at the local shopping centre.. Something just didn't ad up.. Keep up the great work
I'll bet anything that this was in a Chinese-run store. -Orsm |
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Jase wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Gday ORSM, something for your web page or for the Random Shite. One of the guys at work who just left to become a copper, im sure his new colleagues in the force would love this. |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Filthy co worker
This is a girl I work with who has shown jus about everybody we work with her body. Wish the world had mire girls like her. But since it doesn't I'll share this one with the world. Hide the details please.
Her eyebrows and annoyingly distracting. -Orsm |
 |
Bruno wrote:
Subject: Free Guarana
gotta love this country... on hot days free soda in brasil
Intriguing. -Orsm |
 |
Carl wrote:
Subject: VY CALAIS [WELFARE]
Evening gents, A mate just sent me a link to your site showing my old car for the second time. First was aboriginal with a sense of humour. And second was just parked down in scarborough. Pretty stoked to still be doing the rounds hahah. |
 |
Ben wrote:
Subject: The Power of Canon Digital
The power of a great camera and lens ( taken from 200 yards away ) a random picture from the deck of one ship of another... |
 |
Kel wrote:
Subject: Rio's Welcome Sign (2016 Olympics)
"Solar City Tower", built atop the island of Cotonduba will be the welcome symbol to the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro. It will be seen by the game visitors and participants as they arrive by air or water. The tower, captures solar energy. It will supply energy for all of the Olympic city, as well as also for part of Rio. |
 |
Lucas wrote:
Subject: Gotta loooove SA
A couple of photos from South Africa to remind the ex-pats what they've left behind. |
 |
Tanya wrote:
Subject: ORSM POST
Hi again orsm dudes, hope I'm not wearing out my welcome here. This was only supposed to be a one-off thing with me showing my ass online, but you guys and your detailed emails are turning me into an internet porn queen – and I think I like! Thanks so much for all your comments! Everyone who drops me a line gets more pics of yours truly. First timers please read the text I send to answer your questions. Also, I got a few 'returned/undelivered' so if you sent but did not receive try at same address again or use another email. Thanks again orsm for inspiring my nice-to-naughty transformation, would never have if I didn't like your style. Email me here. |
 |
Brett wrote:
Subject: Elmo the learning doll-Booby trap edition
Hi Mr Orsm yet again. The new and improved Elmo doll to force your friends and family to learn...or else. Watch it until the end to see we didn't hurt the boy :) Youtube link here. |
 |
ORSM VIDEO
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days he agonised over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved. It read "RETURNED UNOPENED"
| LIZZY |
 |
|
A jumbo jet is just coming into the airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay".
Then he forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "So skipper, watcha gonna do while we're in town?"
"Well," says the captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and fuck her brains out."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to figure out which one is the new stewardess. Meanwhile that new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first!"
RANDOM SHITE
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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhaust pipes. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by this point and he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears another knock at the door. Upon opening he sees the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
| JANA JORDAN |
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|
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd" her companion replies "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs... get your dog's here!" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please." says one. The vendor is happy to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft whisper... "What part did you get?"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that brings us to the end of another update. Sad as you are feeling right now there is light at the end of the tunnel. Next weeks update will be a big fat mother fucker so whatever happens do not miss it.
- Check out the site archives and win!
- Next update will be next Thursday... day before the five day long weekend. Wooo.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will secretly broadcast you giving him head on Skype... even if you're a dude. As a result gays will be allowed to openly serve in the military.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Asian lady if you're reading - please stop staring at my crotch when we walk past each other some mornings or at least don't be so obvious about it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2011.04.07-19.34 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Just better, not good.
April already - seriously? Not exactly sure where it's gone nor whose fault it is but I cannot for the life of me work out how we're 97 days into the year already. And that weather change I mentioned [read: anticipated Nostradamus-style] last week... after more than ten thousand consecutive days over 30°C, today we got nailed with 22°C and rain. Funnily enough people were excited about it too - rather than mourn, they rejoiced. Definitely been a long time between drinks so to speak.
Was watching something the other day when it occurred to me how many TV shows have gay characters. I'll preface this by saying I don't necessarily tune in to all of these [honestly its true I swear...], but off the top of my head: Glee, Modern Family, United States of Tara, Grey's Anatomy, Shameless [US], Mad Men and Nurse Jackie. No doubt there are plenty of other batty-boys and crack-snackers spread across the TV landscape but, for me at least, it prompts the question - are gay people really so prevalent in the real world? Because according to TV, just about everyone has a gay sibling, parent, friend or partner.
Gay love, gay marriage, gay adoption, gay whatever... doesn't worry me in the slightest. Do what makes you happy... I'll live my life, you live yours right? But with so much gay love gracing the airwaves I wonder if I'm missing out. Obviously having some gay in your life adds something so how is it or rather, why is it, I don't know a single homosexual or lesbian when everyone else does?
Moving on to the rest of my life. Waking up Saturday the absolute last thing I felt like doing was anything overly active but my goal this year has been to make more time for exercise each day in some shape or form. The thing is, anything IT related is a trap in that you spend a considerable chunk of your life sedentary and as my time demands have increased over the years, it's become harder to change that. Some of you guys may remember when Orsm updates were fortnightly... shit was far more casual and allowed way more time to do what I wanted, when I wanted without having to worry about pesky Thursday deadlines and the like. The result however is you slowly get fatter and unfit.
Anyway that's what I've been working on for the last however long - get fitter and unfat. Started with a couple of days a week, then three, then four and finally five. Wednesday and Thursday were no go due to them being my busiest and most taxing work days but I've now figured out how to shuffle stuff around to get it up to around 90 minutes, seven days. The result is I now hate skipping a day because I'm worried about letting it slip - miss a day here and there and before long its back to slackness. So that's what happened on Saturday. Forced myself into a quick stroll which somehow morphed into a 9km [5.5m] epic. Admittedly doesn't sound like that much when I think about it but to go from basically nothing to being able to do comfortably crank it out is surprisingly rewarding.
Didn't have too much planned for the rest of the day except buy a DVD. Dawn of the Dead is one of my favourite movies and every now and then I like to put it on and zone out. Oddly though, it's my most stolen DVD. This was the third or fourth copy I've had to buy because it keeps mysteriously disappearing. I spend a few months asking everyone if they have it but nothing. Decided from there to check out my possible next car. Had to fight the urge to test drive because it quickly became clear that I have no chance of affording one any time soon. Doh.
Was pretty exhausted come late afternoon and declined the offer of a big, boozy night on the town but a succession of text messages suggesting I harden the fuck up and partake changed that. Ended up running into a bunch of old mates I hadn't seen for far too long and would have missed a stellar night otherwise so glad I did. Do seem to have lost some of my drinking prowess though - had to switch to water around midnight to arrest the slide into obliteration. Oh the shame...
Rough start Sunday. Woke up early but remained in bed feeling more or less steamrolled only emerging when I was called upon to ferry person unnamed into the city to retrieve a car. Followed were grandma and mother visits ahead of what I'd been looking forward to all day - a cruise... which never happened due to the hangover massively kicking in so t'was back home to veg out in front of the TV. Not such a bad way to wind down a Sunday.
And with that pile of words masquerading as an interesting blog post over we should probably get on with the update. With a few minutes of spare time up my sleeve today I decided to go the extra mile so what you'll find below will keep you bastards going for a bit longer than usual. Just the kind of guy I am. Check it...
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Weird Game - Hawt Self Shot - Liz Taylor Nude - 30 Hits Of LSD - Tribal Titties - Cam Slut Fail - Webcam Fuckers
Ultra Gayness - Stretch Like Wow - Bacon Air - April Fooled - Troopers - Skills On Fire - Obese - Can't Be Female
Nip Slip! - Today's WTF - Got The Goods - Head Kick!! - Balls of Steel - Meh Toilets - Kardashian - Sick Fuck
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
--
Two blokes sitting in a pub. The first guy says "you know what, I could have sex with any woman in here". The second guy says "Oh yeah, how's that then?" The first guy says "Because I'm a rapist."
--
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" "Yep" the husband replied "In-laws."
--
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I'll have that".
--
Why are black people getting stronger? TV's are getting bigger.
--
Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?" The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning." "I'm so sorry to hear that," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?" "No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."
ORSM
VIDEO
DOG DEFINITIONS
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTE BASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always chew up something they cherish.
| JAMIE LYNN |
 |
|
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent... then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says "The boy should have quit while he was a head."
ORSM
VIDEO
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?" "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that." "Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room, you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two." The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got".
RANDOM SHITE
More tempting than a Double Down. Check it...
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".
You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Friday's then..."
| DJ BABES |
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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."
All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
| LOST FAMILY PHOTOS |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Orsm and possibly have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or whatever... everything is welcome! And if I've seen it before, well lets just say I know where the delete key is. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts. It's what cool people do. Check it...
Steven wrote:
Subject: USS J.F.K. DOCKING IN MALTA
Have you ever considered how big a U.S. nuclear aircraft carrier really is? This shot gives a good relationship of its size to something else like buildings, cars, etc. Astonishing! |
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Troy wrote:
Subject: ad placement
Found this on an online news service. Rather unfortunate ad placement...... please withhold email. Thank you.
This one is a little Australia-centric so for those who have no idea... Brendan Fevola is a high profile footballer with an admitted gambling problem who's made the news repeatedly in recent months following his sacking and several ejections from gambling venues. -Orsm |
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Robert wrote:
Subject: Best Sign Ever. Seriously...
Love the site, thought you could use this in random shite or something. Imagine how pissed off i was when i realized the sign was for A&W on the other side of town... |
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steve wrote:
Subject: root
found this billboard while traveling through the state of pennsylvania. cleveland is a city in the state of ohio. you aussies should have some fun with this.
The Australian translation is "Even though she fucks for Cleveland...". -Orsm |
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Pagey wrote:
Subject: CCTV
Went to the F1GP last weekend - paid top dollar for our upper row grandstand seats - but it was worth it. My first time at the event (but the GF's second, so I had to trump her previous experience) and on our monstrous walk to the Prost Stand I spied the attached. It's hardly riotous I realise, but it may be worth a place in RS if you're running short of material. I mean, what's so fucking special about that tree trunk? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
ex g/f tattoo better pic. hide the details please.
Her parents must be so proud! -Orsm |
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Ryan wrote:
Subject: boss's son
this is a picture of my boss's son after his first night or drinking. it started out with some Baccardi drinks and ended up with Tequila shots. this picture was taken about half way through the evening. the end of the night was him swiming in a pool with no water and i missed that part. |
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joe wrote:
Subject: The future of social networking
In the not too distant future, YouTube, Twitter & Facebook will merge to form one giant, idiotic, super time wasting website called... |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: signs
Mr. Orsm - Long time viewer and few-time contributor. I loved today's update with all the fucked up road signs. The reminded me of one I took a couple of days ago in Englewood, Colorado USA. This isn't photo-shopped in any way, even though the sign on the left looks like it. The post was in the middle of a single parking space. |
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AL G wrote:
Subject: bbq
Helloooooo ORSM, PUT ANOTHER PIG ON THE BARBIE?... Guinea pig is good but I enjoy Alpaca. AS USUAL, KEEP UP IT UP.........
People eat the darndest things... -Orsm |
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tony wrote:
Subject: girl pix
here is some more pix of this married 28 year old i fucked and im 44 and loved it
For whatever reason these reminded me of this. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Christchurch New Zealand Earthquake...
This will show you what the poor people of Christchurch have been through - and we are all going to go through for years because of the billions it will take for them to live again. Three elderly couples were killed together - squashed in the buses - and a good 1/3rd of them were overseas students. 180-odd in all. Very sad. |
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Rick wrote:
Subject: How to Make a Deer Stand
And all this time I have been sitting on my wet butt in the woods all these years!!!!!!
Now that's dedication to your sport. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
hey orsm, sick site, thought i'd contribute. here's a hot fuckbuddy of mine. she gives great deepthroat!! hide the details!
Even though it's against every societal norm, I'm a ginger fan. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: how do u cook a deere
hey bro. dont ask me what happened here but looks expensive |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Corvette 230mph Wreck Pics #1 and 2.
230 MPH Corvette wreck at the www.texasmile.com event. The driver built his own roll cage and he walked away fine. Hide my details please keep up the good work.
Again proving that owning a nice car doesn't mean you know how to drive it. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girl Pics
Hey, Love the site. Here's some pics of this chick I met, thought I'd share, Hide the info please. Keep up the good work
Can't tell if she's fat or skinny...? -Orsm |
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Jim wrote:
Subject: Royal Family Calendar
Helping to pay for the wedding - the Royals Calendar...
I had no idea Charles was so well put together. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sun N Fun 2011
I know you fancy a good set of airshow pictures, so I thought I'd send mine in as well. Went to this year's annual Sun N Fun in Lakeland, Florida, which featured the F-22 Raptor and the Blue Angels, among a bunch of aerobatic performers. Hope you enjoy and please keep my personal details away from the goons out there! Stay off the chems! |
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Tanya wrote:
Subject: More Pics!
Hey guys! (and one girl!) Even more thaaaaanx for your emails with uni-grade anatomy lessons, I still can't believe you guys are talking about me. I don't want to come off as an A.W., but if you guys keep asking I'll keep posting. And can't do anything about the lighting quality—my cam got stolen so these are mostly webcam grabs. So some of you on my mailing list got an unintentional peek when my clip-art nipple/va-jay covers didn't come out on iPhones. Ok, duh for me, but don't expect any more full fronts, still thinking about it. Those who know me would be way shocked if they knew I was doing this, so gotta think about it. I might give in a little and try some of your suggestions for next time. Mail-listers get better pics, as per the ages-old policy that I just made up. Drop me a line if you haven't already and let me know what you think! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Video for you!
Orsm, Saw the video posted of the fly over at an Iowa Hawkeyes (Iowa,US) game this week on orsm.net, had to give you this. Our arch-nemesis happens to be Iowa, (we livein Nebraska,USA). Watch this flyover. waaay better. The people who shot it couldn't sing worth a shit Though. Can't even hear them coming!(I think that's the point though :-) Keep the details private. Seeya!
Turns out that the clip posted last week was the final flight of the lead pilot for 'flying too low and too fast'. -Orsm |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Watch these short (1 min) videos of the trading floor at my mate's firm...
From my mate: Not sure what Brian the Broker had to leave for, but apparently he had to leave the office after lunch one day a week for a few weeks. The guys all acknowledged his departure each time. He said they had to stop doing it as after someone had brought in an air raid siren to add to the portfolio of instruments they all had - it then got out of hand and the other firms in the building complained. |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: A little fun with a machine gun
Hi Mr Orsm, We had a little fun with this machine gun. Youtube link [here] also.
Best one yet! -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
| PARIS DAHL |
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Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis. When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?" Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think its Veranda."
RANDOM SHITE
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Sitting at home one night with his wife a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favourite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or surgeon?" "Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
| EVE LAURENCE |
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A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy??!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see. A relative, a neighbour..." "At this time of the night no one will show up!" "I've already said NO and NO!" "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too." "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" "My love... don't be like that!"
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for god's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And we're done... except for:
- Check out the site archives. They're better than finding One Eyed Willy's treasure.
- Next update will be next Thursday. There's almost nothing you can count on more.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray sue you into oblivion for causing him severe emotional distress.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems... or don't. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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