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| orsmupdate 2007.04.26-23.24 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Sucks to be poo.
Hello all. How the frack is everyone? I've been a busy little munchkin again this week. There's so much to get done but so little time in the day and I've managed to mess my sleep cycle as a result. Or not... maybe its just the cold weather but I've gone from waking up at 8am and hitting the sack at around 1am to a 9.30am and 2.30am thing. I don't know whats wrong with me but just can't shake it.
Anyone ever heard of Landmark Forum? Well until recently neither had I but a friend has been doing it for the last few months and its all I've heard about ever since. So what's it all about? Basically you attend a three day seminar [for which you get jabbed $500] to learn about empowering, enabling and solving problems in areas of your life. Greeeeat.
I have a closed mind when it comes to stuff like this. I just don't get it. Now you could argue it's because I'm not smart enough to understand it, I'm too stubborn or too untrusting but I prefer to think I can solve my own problems without standing up in front of a hundred people crying that mummy didn't love me enough.
Anyway after months of pessimism and shit talking about what goes on at this Landmark thing I was pretty much forced along by my friend to an intro thing for it. It was a home session at her place where some Landmark chick with good boobs took us through a couple of exercises. We were all given a work booklet and had to write down what's working, what's not working, what we're working on, certain future for those things, what's missing and what new possibilities are invented as a result. Oh please gimme a break. Okay sure... some of the other participants got right into it - they identified things such as relationship breakdowns to the need for more spontaneity and so on. Me? The words "WTF IS THIS SHIT??" and a picture of a submarine being chased by a shark...
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This got me thinking. All this self help crap is draining the common man of his hard earned cash its time for something new and revolutionary therefore I proudly announce the Orsm's Personal Problem Resolution Seminars. The cost is free, you don't have to leave your computer and we have an answer for everything right here: Depressed? Get over it. Suicidal? Kill yourself. Don't feel well? No one cares. No friends? Kill yourself. Tired? Sleep. Hungry? Eat. Emo? Kill yourself. Small dick? Kill yourself.
It's just so simple!
My battle with the fridge repair company continues. It ended up being exactly a week after first calling them before they showed up and much to my surprise the guy wasn't a complete retard which is a lot more that can be said for his office-based colleagues. Funnily enough it barely took any prompting at all for him to tell me that they were morons. Anyway within a few minutes of arriving he had half the fridge apart. Apparently some sensor is screwed so he promised to order a new one and all of five minutes later the fridge was back together and him ready to leave. This is the bit where I got my revenge against the repair company...
Last Christmas one of my friends got me a 'joke' pen which has found a home in a bowl on my kitchen bench. The bench is also where he stopped to write out the $96 bend-over-whilst-I-finger-your-arsehole invoice. Now there were two pens in the bowl... one normal pen and the joke pen. I gave him the proper one and walked off to find another one to write the cheque when he says "hang on - there's one right here". Next thing I know a scream is heard and the pen comes hurtling across the room past my head in what was a knee jerk reaction to being electrocuted by my joke pen. Funny, funny shit and I honestly don't think I've ever had to try harder in my life not to laugh. We're one all now you fuckers!
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period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
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so... it's because Newbie
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Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
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Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
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I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Emo FAGS - Game On - Street Magic #2 - Jedi Battle - Nappy Head Ho's - Wild Strippers - Sexy Asian - Kitchen Sex
Teen Make-Out - I Luv Carmen - Hooker Prank - Marine Life - Student Bodies - Drunk As Hell - Mother Fucker
Flash Em! - Belly Dancer - Jennifer Titty - Pokies - Teen Hotties - Bouncy Boobs - Real Spidy - Robo-Klutz - Stupidity
A man running for mayor was making a speech, and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!" A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?"
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There are two rules for success: 1. Never tell people everything you know.
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A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
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The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke up feeling much better and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!"
ORSM VIDEO
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and ?... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce!? There's that fucking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
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READER MAIL
Thankyou to everyone that contributed to the mail onslaught again this week - you guys rule! If you would like to have your say or just submit some cool shit for the site then you may do so here!
GUNT wrote:
Subject: freak boy
Gday mr Orsm,
My mates and I were having a few the other night, there were some fat chicks near us someone said look at the CANKLES on that, (Cankles: for those that don't know is when there is no telling where the Calves end, and the Ankles begin) then Carlos said 'look at the GUNT on that one!!!' and a new word was born in a fit of laughter (GUNT : where there is NO distingushing point bettween a GUT and a CUNT) You've all seen one, now you know what it is called. |
alex dowsett wrote:
Subject:
show me ue pussy and boobs |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: 51 Nep
Mate - never had a photo that I've taken to send in, always leaching off the fame of others. But here's one that I spotted at the Byron Bay Blues'n'Roots. Check the rims, check the tinted windows, check the jailbait! But the number plate is what makes it a classic.
Kids - do not accept candy from the driver of this car! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of my cheating ex
Hey mr. orsm, Here's a couple of pictures of my cheating ex givine me a blowjob and then me fucking her and cumming all over her tits! It would be great if you could show these to the world for me. Please don't show my name or info....... A loyal fan in the U.S.A. |
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Maxi wrote:
Subject: Hi
Hi Orsm, It's been a while since I wrote but I had to share this with you. You have to love the British press, they never let the truth get in the way of a good story. ;-) Just to clarify, I've never met either of the gentlemen. Luv, Maxi |
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Matthew wrote:
Subject: Spare wheel cover
Today (the 21st of April) I decided to take a trip down to Bunbury, for the sheer sake of the shits and giggles of it, and while I was sitting at a set of traffic lights, I saw the spare wheel cover of a four wheel drive infront of me, and one lane to the left. Sorry about the poor quality, it was a picture taken at an un-fortunate quick time. I took the picture down Mandurah way, so hopefully the onwer may recognise it and send in a better version..... |
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chilli wrote:
Subject: summernats 2007 girls
hey how are ya? thought you might like these pics to add to your site for all the other blokes and maybe some chicks to look at as well. keep up the good work, i log onto your site every fri to check out the new shit, and of course, its always orsm!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: a fun Valentines Party
O: A friend has a crazy Valentines Part. Here are some pics from the party. Keep my name and contact info confidential. Thanks |
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A SAFFA wrote:
Subject: Accident on the N17 this morning 19-04-2007
Hey Orsm, Driving in South Africa... The saddest part of this is these guys will not get to see SA thrash Auzzie this week.
You see the game mate? I guess you could say the SA cricketers suffered the same fate as these guys... -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: One Tough Mother
You go, mama. Mama Ain't Playin' . Be sure to see all 3 pictures .... Now this is a seriously strict mom ... Don't mess with her... We need more people like her... YOU GO MOM !! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Sinking the USS Oriskany
Hi. Thought you might like these pics. They are the final disposition of the USS Oriskany, an American carrier built late WW2, saw action in korea and vietnam, finally sank of the florida coast as an artificial reef. |
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paddy wrote:
Subject: on her tits
love the site check it out every week anyway horny as fuck one nite and she had the rags and no to a blowjob so she lubed me up and beat me off on her tits good girl please dont show details cheers ps some pics of when i did fuck her |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: my very fuckable wife
please with hold my info. your site is great |
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john wrote:
Subject: Lost camera
Orsm, Found a digital camara at the airport. I thought posting some of the pictures on your site might help the owner claim his/her camara. Thanks so much for the public service you are providing! |
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
ORSM VIDEO
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Gough Whitlam's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life - both of them over East Timor".-
"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man. "Howard's clock, oh that's in Jesus' office." "What?!! What's so special about him that Jesus gets to keep an eye on it?", asked the man incredulous. "Oh nothing special about John Howard" said St. Peter, "Jesus is just using it as a ceiling fan."
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two fucks back in the office after lunch."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...'' replied the lady.
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, And in the line of men who truly were heads of their household there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this Line?" "The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"
ORSM VIDEO
There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple too, and up in the nurs'ry an absurd little bird is popping out to say "coocoo". Regretfully they tell us, but firmly they compel us to say goodbye to you. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night, I hate to go and leave this pretty site. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu, adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu.
- Check out the site archives. You know you want to.
- Next update will be next Thursday coz that's whgen they always are!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers, enemies, apprentices and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spend a whole day telling you why he thinks me telling you what my friend Ray will do isn't funny...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be a good girl. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.04.19-23.41 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Renault Scenic owners suck cock.
Hello party peoples. How are you guys this week? Me... completely overworked, tired and ready for bed but while I'm here I may as well write my blog and crank out another killer update... whaddya reckon about THAT huh...?
The people have spoken. Last week I asked what you guys thought of Orsm.net switching to bi-weekly updates instead of the usual every-frickin'-Thursday deal and there were an absolute shit load of responses. The result? Overwhelmingly to leave things how they are. I actually found this quite surprising but it seems for so many of you guys the Thursday/Friday update is as much a routine for you as it is me. I can live with that.
This, I guess, brings us to my weekend because for some reason the plethora of email from you guys has unleashed a wave of motivation that has been lacking the last few weeks.
With absolutely nothing going on I thought what better way to spend it than working. I've got a million bits and pieces across the site which have needed attention for far too long with the main one being the site archives. There are so many holes with things not working or missing so from last Friday through to 3am on Tuesday night I spent every spare minute pouring through eighty months of old updates fixing and replacing those holes. Riveting stuff...
Eighty months. I have no idea how many updates that is but it was a nice walk down memory lane and a good chance to rediscover some cool shit that I had long forgotten. One particular thing that caught my attention though was something I wrote in March 2005: "The only other thing that I want to do is take a drive out to the hills and see the Mundaring Weir Dam. Why? I have absolutely no fucking idea is why. I haven't been there for years and was just one of those random idea's I got stuck in my head a few weeks back and have been wanting to satisfy ever since."
The sad thing is that I quite clearly remember typing that and now, more than two years later, I never managed to find the time to take that drive. Crazy. It never ceases to amaze me how life just seems to get in the way. With that revelation upon me I decided there was no time like the present so I grabbed a mate and off we went.
Talk about your perfect days for it too - Sunday was the wettest April day in five years so it was a good opportunity to put the new car through its paces on some notoriously dangerous roads and explore 'the Hills' which is usually just something you see when looking east. The only downside of the rain was the fact we couldn't get out of the car due to us not having rain coats or an umbrella. Kind of annoying but all up it was good fun to get out of the house, do something different and catch up with a mate.
Pretty much the only other thing that has occupied my time is problems with my fridge. Yes folks, that's right! My fridge! Sure... you may think that with a weekly readership upward of three hundred and fifty thousand I may have come up with something slightly more entertaining to amuse you with but nooooo. Countless hours in front of the computer have put a stop to anything even remotely interesting this week so you're stuck with my fridge...
Anyway for the last month or so the damn fridge has shirking its responsibilities which has become a real pain in the arse. I suppose we all take shit like that for granted but when you start losing things like cold drinks, fresh food and have a demanding German Shepherd that isn't happy with dry feed and tinned sardines it gets fucking frustrating.
So first thing Monday I call LG, explain to them the problem and they offer to cover parts even though its out of warranty. Good shit I thought... until I call their 'authorised service agent' who in reality should be referred to as 'bunch of absolutely fucking useless cunts'. Thus far it's taken four fucking phone calls... not to get them out here... just to find out WHEN they can come. Is that really so much to ask? "We'll have our re-scheduler call you to make an appointment" the moron says. Errr re-scheduler? How about letting me talk to a scheduler first? Seriously they say Western Australia's economy is booming but with so many retarded, incompetent people around it really does make me wonder how it happened...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
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accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As
featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the
top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay
for porn ever again if they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Jenn & Gigi - Addictive - Roof Skating - KungFu Masters - Chronic Porn - A Hard Fucking - Striptease - Oil Wrestling
Classy Chick - Make Me Cum - Diiirty Latina - Suck It - Nat Portman - The Landlord - Bikini Model - Gorgeous Dancer
Shake Dat Ass - Anna Nicole - PushUp Paris - Perfect Boobs - Azn Cutie - Go Commando - Exposed - Brit & Paris
A guy goes into work hung over as hell. His buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?" He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!" His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." "But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!"
--
Husband: "Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are you taking me out for a drink?"
Husband: "Don't be silly woman. I'm turning the heat off."
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up...
ORSM VIDEO
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange, beautiful sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound again. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. "
By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before....
...but I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
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webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length
adult movies, and even download
all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need
is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup
with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just
go over there for yourself and have
a look!
READER MAIL
I may say it all the time but once again I have a bloody HUGE Reader Mail for you guys. Much to my delight, everyone has been busy carpet bombing my inbox and as a result there is some uber cool shit this week!
If you would like to submit then we wanna see what you've got! On our wanted last are tasty girlfriends or ex's, fucked up videos, jokes, pics or anything else you can squeeze in an email and send my way!
Liam wrote:
Subject: Big Truck + Woman Driver
Hey Mr Orsm, great site by the way. Anyway saw the pics of the Patrol that got nailed by the truck with the woman driver and had to respond. Any dickhead who parks a light vehicle on the offside (right hand side. The trucks have the cab on the left.) of a truck deserves to have it run over. Also women drivers on mines would be on average better than the men cos they arent trying to be race car drivers. These are just a couple of things I have learnt in my 10 years in the mines. Cheers dude. |
Swanx wrote:
Subject: Damaged Hand pics for your website
I was out on the lash on Saturday night, when I went to the bathroom at my local. Having emptied my bladder I put myself away, and turned to walk out of the bathroom, when I slipped on some piss or drink, not sure, then fell crashing to the floor landing on some broken glass. Anyways To cut a long story short, I cut my hand open which you will see in the pics. There are only 2 and they were taking on a camera phone but you can still see the cut and blood. Did some nerve damage in my thumb but that was it. Could have been a lot worse. |
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matt wrote:
Subject: Funny picture of a truck on Roe Hwy
Was driving home from work the other week and i saw this truckie .... wonder if he knew this was written on his mudflaps haha |
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Joe Phearse wrote:
Subject: Contributuions:
I wanted to say great site bro! Me and my buddies visit often. About my submissions, they are of my crazy ex-wife who just cant get over me. I found out she was cheating on me the whole time we were married and she thinks ill take her back? She is a real piece of work so now she is messing with my current wife and child. She needs to move on! Im not bashful so go ahead and display my name and my message..."Guys: get even with the tramps who fuck us over!" While im out honoring our country fighting the war on terror, shes fucking around down in Texas. Guys... want a good time just look her ass up...her name is Valerie Phearse or" modelsmile" on myspace |
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Gord wrote:
Subject: Nice reporting
Couldn't resist sending you this one. Sometimes spelling errors are not that big of a deal, but perhaps should be looked at a little more closely when commenting on someone else's poor grasp of the language! LOL Cheers from Canada Orsm! |
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: WORLD VISION
WORLD VISION NEEDS YOUR HELP. Mongo is a 10 year old zimbabwian orphan who has to walk 5 miles a day to school each day. With your help of just 1 dollar a day,we can buy a whip and make the little lazy fucker run... |
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don beef wrote:
Subject: Dirty Girl
What more needs to be said - A picture is worth a thousand words. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex
Hey ORSM, always a fan of what you do. Finally have some stuff you might like. God bless camera phones especially when your soon to be ex say "Hey is your battery dead? No probs, put your SIM in my old phone!" Hey lady, check your messages first!!! Oh, and some other "ladies". Keep the good work going. Cheers fella!! |
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M T B wrote:
Subject: ta.
Have a look at these,if there's a nicer place on god's earth, i aint seen it yet.This is Halong bay,north vietnam,apparently the" man with the golden gun "was made here,4000 islands,its so peaceful.enjoy. |
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James wrote:
Subject: My ladies Pussy
Hey there. Great site!!! I eagerly await every Friday to see what new and interesting stuff you can come up with. I especially love any pics that show a nice big flappy snatch. There is something about a set of big meat curtins on a shielas twat that just rings my bell, so keep coming up with them please. In the mean time heres some pics of my wifes big flapped snatch, hope you and your readers like. By the way, if your readers have any nice pics of their ladies big lipped pussies I would love to see them. They can send to solitaire772@hotmail.com |
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Stu wrote:
Subject: Your recent shooting fun
I was able to join with some friends at one's ranch for a weekend last Oct. Old military vehicles, weapons, food (2006 MREs) and old military guys. Plus Crown Royal...and 5000acres. I finally found the secret to driving offroad; alcohol! There was a Browning M2 .50, two M1919 .30s; a .308 and a .30-06, an M14, AR15s, Steyr SSG,(the only one that broke), the odd AK and a lot of handguns. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: reader mail
Hey Mr Orsm. I work offshore in the middle east and as you can imagine me and my friends all have rather large portable hard drives stocked full of porn, whenever we meet up we tend to swap hard drives and share whatever new stuff we've picked up on our travels. well the other day one of my colleagues who is a bit of an idiot happened to give me his hard drive with some personal pics on, well he's been going on about his hot girlfriend back home and how she's into threesomes and how he regularly has them with her and her hot mate. Well the pics speak for themselves... |
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Morro wrote:
Subject: Some vids of me doing stupid stuff
Hey Mr Orsm, Just got some vis of me doing some stupid stuff off a mate, they may be able to make your site not too sure if other people are intersted in them. The first one is some pole dancing at a mates house, the 2nd one is me doing some home reno's at my place(that wall just needed to be taken out) and the 3rd is of me(again) jumping off a mates garage roof into the pool doing a rooter horsey(also known as the Pig Rooter) with at least 4 pumps. |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: submitted shite?
what happens when you think your ford focus is a racecar. |
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Steve wrote:
Subject: South african Jackass
Hi Mr Orsm. My name is steve and I can never wait for the updates on your site cause it always has the best shit. I am sending you're a video of me and my girlfriends bro Andrew aka Boet , doing some stupid shit jackass style while we were stone cold sober. Thanks man love the site |
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Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. "What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, "They were twins... and mine died!"
ORSM VIDEO
Last Sunday morning, our pastor noticed a young boy, about 7 or 8 years old, staring up at a large plaque that hung in the foyer of our parish's small church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The youngster had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning."
"Good morning, sir," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this? He asked, gesturing to the plaque." "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together staring at the large plaque. Then, with a barely audible voice, trembling with fear, the boy asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45?"
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. And I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE - NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?" "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?" To which he replied "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the
two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well... here we are again. You knew it had to come so don't get upset that this is the end of another update. My heart and soul went into this puppy so if it sucks you should probably face facts you're an overly demanding person with a range of personality disorders...
- Check out the site archives. I've spent fucking hours cleaning them up so don't make all my hard work for nothing!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I'm busy with the revolution.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll make my friend Ray tell you why his farts smell like cum...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.04.12-23.46 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. May the farce be with you.
Howdy boys, girls, the elderly, the incompetent and the retarded. I hope you're all doing well this week and glad to be back at work after the Easter break... what's that? You're not? Well you shouldn't worry - it's only about eight months or so until the Christmas holidays...
Anyway... I've been toying with the idea of switching to bi-weekly updates. The weekly Thursday night thing has been cranking for almost three years now and it occurred to me that splitting to maybe a Tuesday and Friday deal could be a bit more fun and mix shit up a bit. The upside is for you diehards who think a week is far too long to wait... the downside is more hours stuck staring blankly into the computer screen.
That said though I do get a lot less complaints nowadays. Honestly the amount of 'hurry up and update' emails that I used to get when updates were fortnightly was ridiculous but the current system seems to work well for most people [and of course yours truly]. I did actually put this out there to a few Orsm regulars and surprisingly the consensus was don't do it with the reason being 'if aint broke, don't fix it'. Fair call. Anyone got anything to add to this discussion? Email me!
So on to what's been going on... which isn't much. I've had this "I'm in a rut" feeling lately, like I'm off focus, and it's been bugging the crap out of me. If I think about the reason behind it all, it probably has a lot to do with how the year has played out thus far. The first three months of '07 were MEGA - there was something on every weekend, BBQ's, new car, down south, a bucks party, a wedding... and so on. I barely had a chance to stop and catch my breath and now - suddenly - nothing. Everything just went quiet and it's all a bit disconcerting. Motivation isn't the problem so I think the fix is to work out a goal that is actually worth working towards. Something I can sink my teeth into unashamedly and refocus my energies on over winter. I'll be sure to keep you guys posted because I know you'll all be dying to know how I get on...
Moving on... Easter weekend was pretty damn good. Come to think of it, any weekend with a day off either side is pretty damn good... its just a shame we don't get more of them.
Friday morning was set aside to give the car a good wash. It never ceases to amaze me how fucking filthy black cars get and with a garage that is more or less completely open I cop it worse than most. Drives me insane and the sole reason I considered getting a white car but as they say - no pain, no gain... or whatever...
After that it was time to head off to the BBQ/party thing I mentioned last week. For what ever reason I decided to drive and not get blind drunk as had been planned although it didn't particularly matter because I had a fucking good time anyway. See kiddies... you can have a good time without booze and drugs!
I'd been hanging out for Saturday for ages. After fucking months of 'yep definitely this weekend', we went for a shoot and had an unreal time. They had some new guns available to play with so we chose a 1911 Springfield 9mm and a Para Ordnance .40. Good shit and even better my aim and grouping were as close to perfect as they've ever been so I took every opportunity to laud it over Honer [who wasn't doing quite as well] and continually ask "dude, what target were you aiming for?". How that never gets old I will never know...?
Sunday started off a bit wet and much to my annoyance I had to take my spotlessly clean car out in it. So that I did... and off we went to my old boys place for breakfast. That went on for a couple of hours and we destroyed plenty of bacon, eggs, hot cross buns and then did the red egg thing [anyone else do this...?] before coming back to my place for a huge lunch with mums side of the family. Talk about your fattening Sundays but all up a most satisfactory weekend.
Okay enough. Lets get on with the update...
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
--
There were two men standing at the medicine isle in the supermarket the first man said "Viagra is the greatest drug in the world it has helped my love life and I feel much better about my self." The second man replied "wow it helped you that much!? Can you get it over the counter." the first man said, "if I take two."
--
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty." The clerk handed him a mirror.
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
ORSM VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A trainee doctor is performing his first autopsy with the chief coroner when the coroner is called out of the room for a minute. Before leaving, the coroner tells the trainee to give the corpse a quick once-over and see if he can determine the cause of death.
When the coroner returns, he asks the trainee what he's decided. "Well sir," the trainee says, "I believe she drowned.""And how did you reach this conclusion?" asks the coroner. "Well sir, if you look between her legs you'll see a small prawn".
The coroner looks between the corpse's legs and says, "Mate, that's not a prawn, that's a clitoris".
"That's weird," says the trainee, "it sure tasted like a prawn!"
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "i've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with aids." the friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "mum, i thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your girl friends you were dying of aids." the woman said, "i know, i just don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
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READER MAIL
And then there was Reader Mail. You guys were a bit quieter than your usual ten million emails a day this week but that's all good because it gives me a chance to clear some of the backlog of which there is plenty!].
If you'd like to be part of the Reader Mail revolution then we're always more than happy to see pics of your tasty Ex, jokes that made you laugh so hard you actually snorted, videos so amazing that they'll go around the internet ten million times and pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and send my way! All you must do is click here and get it happening.
V wrote:
Subject: I didn't believe it but this really works :)
This is Amazing! Forward this message to 5 people within 3 minutes and FUCK ALL will happen to you! I tried it and it's true!! Fuck all happened !!! THIS REALLY WORKS ! |
gordo wrote:
Subject: In Reference To:
ex girlfriend binky
In all seriousness,,,, from looking at her pics,,,, he is so much better off without her! What an unattractive skank! |
Matthew wrote:
Subject: link Submission
Hey Sir Orsm. This link more or less speaks for itself. Our equivilant is the Holden Built Astra, coming in at less than about $20,000, brand spanking new.
Now THAT'S what you call dedicated! I wish I had the patience to get that far. -Orsm
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DN wrote:
Subject: RE SA Farmers
I am disappointed you post rascist comments. I am South African in Texas and i find similar KKK type postings here, you take a few shocking pics, ad some words, and you're some kind of revolutionary journalist. Yes, people are being murdered on farms, its an easy target for theft, and yes a lot of those people are Afrikaners, but come on, those murders happen around the world, not just SA. But yes, I also agree the rate at which it occurs is very high, and a sad result of a violent and unfair political past. I dont like the negativity of the posting. You could have shown car accident victims and still got the same result.
So pray for the Afrikaner, and the englishman, and the black man, and Indian. See my point? |
SVS wrote:
Subject: Truck Accident. Midrand South Africa
Hi there, This happened On Tuesday night while everybody was waiting to fill there tanks with fuel before the petrol price increase... The truck hit 7 cars and the plowed through the shop, It was carrying 20 tons of river sand... Nobody was seriously injured, so the reports say but the is a lot of blood on the trucks windscreen lying on the ground.... |
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Kiwi Stooge wrote:
Subject: Niagra Falls
Year-1911- four Photos of Niagara Falls. How cold would it have to be!!!!! |
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naresh wrote:
Subject: Indian Highway Signages
Hi Mr ORSM. Love the site and have been checking it out for the fast few years all the way here in Malaysia. Waiting for Thursdays when you update the site is like waiting for the ice cream man to come around on a Hot day. Attached are pictures of funny India road signs. Thought you might like it. |
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J wrote:
Subject: Drinking makes you cool and sexy ... right? Pt 1
This was the camgirl friend of a friend of mine. He's a true gentleman and all-around good guy. She took his money, strung him along and when he went to see her let him sit alone for a week. She finally showed up with her boyfriend in his last few hours there. She's a real piece of work. Lili, for your efforts here are your 15 minutes of fame. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Enjoy...
Sup orsm, Been wanting to contribute to your site for awhile now but havn't had the opportunity, so attached are some pics that i took while i hooked up with this chick from a club, enjoy and be sure to share as sharing is caring. |
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M.T.B. wrote:
Subject: cuban transport
Firstly, thanks for using the pics i sent in last time,i don't know if i am now famous or infamous. Who cares. Secondly i know you guys like your cars, so these are a slection of motors spotted in Cuba last November,perhaps you could use them in a "cool pics" section. |
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Johan wrote:
Subject: Nigerian Breast!
Nigerian Breast attached! They actually belong to my ex girlfriend!! Cheers
The darker meat... the sweeter the juice... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: BIG truck+ woman driver
G'day Tripod, Just had a stint up in the Pilbara (lovely place?) working in the iron mines... well lo and behold this little incident happened. The poor little Nissan Patrol was stationary when the woman driver in the haul truck #23 drove over it.... and they say women drivers are better.... The Patrol was brand new... only 10000 km on the clock . the owner had spent $14000.00 upgrading the suspension and tyres... need I say more?? |
Wayne Just wrote:
Subject: hail storm
Killer hail storm near Gympie in Queensland
The perfect storm... just add Scotch... -Orsm
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Mathew wrote:
Subject: Kuwaiti drifter totally owned
Hey ORSM, kewl site, regular visitor, keep up the good work. I got this video of a kuwaiti drifter -same style of the saudi's you posted earlier- and apparently he lost control, the rest is history, you can actually see the driver and passenger fly out of the car 20 feet high in the air. I guess there is a price for posting insane arab drifting on the web and feeling so proud about. This is definately it. |
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Two mates were leaning on the bar having a beer when one of them , Larry, says:
"You know, Eric, when I was 18 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands, when I was 25, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard and was sober, by the time I was 35, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem even if I had a few drinks. I'm 48 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand, even when I'm pissed as a newt."
"So," Eric says "What's your point?" Well replies Larry "the point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."
ORSM VIDEO
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train... cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
RANDOM SHITE
Nothing too rude, lewd or offensive in this weeks RS. I've filled it with sugar and spice and all things nice... the kind of stuff you can show your mum - quick go get her before you click the links! Check it...
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy - a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. "The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water..."
ORSM VIDEO
Well folks that about does it for this week and believe or not update No. 14 for the year. The question is will you be back for No. 15...?
- Check out the site archives. Over 10 million of my previous updates all cryonically preserved for your gratification.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I get a better offer involving breasts and/or vagina.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take your mum out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and drive safe. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.04.05-22.54 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. So good Elton John said he'd rather divorce his husband than miss an update.
How are you guys this week? Me... fan-fucking-tastic. Why you ask? Its Easter of course! To be honest I couldn't care less about bunnies and chocolate and all that other guff but four glorious work-free days to chill out, enjoy the last of the clear weather and relax is something that makes my special place all tingly.
Easter is and always has been my favourite time of the year. Ah memories... not to get too reminiscent on you guys but I always remember school holidays starting a half-day early so we could get a jump on the traffic for our annual trip down south which of course was a prelude to a week of good, clean family fun...
There were usually five or six families [made up of family friends and cousins] who would all head down in convoy and stay in the same caravan park together. The good part for us as kids was no matter who was around there was always something to do. Fishing, skiing, skating, riding, exploring, bonfires, jumping off things to impress girls, smokin' da cheebo - we'd pretty much run amok and our parents were cool as long as we didn't bug them or burn anything down. Happy days.
By the time 17 hit I had my drivers license, a job [read: disposable income], freedom, discovered the wonderful world of alcohol and suddenly all that stuff didn't seem so important and eventually Easter in shitty old Busselton was something we 'used to do'. Kind of sad in a way... plus I found out a few weeks ago that the caravan park we frequented for so many years is about to be flattened to make way for a luxury resort. Yeah okay... life goes on, you grow up, priorities change, progress happens but there's not much I wouldn't give to go back and live another week down there on Easter holiday.
Speaking of kids... two of my very closest friends announced on the weekend they were both pregnant, both unplanned and strangely enough both due within a week or two of each other. Don't get me wrong here because I love kids [not in the way you sick fucks!] but Jesus Christ it feels like everyone is either ready to drop, dropped or planning to drop. Am I just at 'that age'? According to my grandmother I am and it's my turn! Apparently I need to "find a beautiful girl, get married, have kids and be happy". I'll get right on that... just need to find a chick that doesn't have deep psychological issues. This is going to take a while...
I think instead of crapping about my past weekend, which incidentally was possibly even more unremarkable than the previous one, I'll fill you in on the coming one...
There's actually a million things on over the next few days and much to my delight it all begins tomorrow with a BBQ with the entire staff of a bar. And what do you think bar tenders like to do on their day off? If you said drink, out-drink and drink some more you'd be right on the mark so it's definitely looking promising. Screw all this Good Friday no red meat or alcohol stuff.
We're shooting Saturday and it'll be the first time in a long time that we've busted a cap so I'm seriously looking forward to it. Sunday is a family day – a bacon and egg onslaught for breakfast at the old boys place then off to mums for lunch. I'm feeling fatter already.
Okay I should probably put a halt to my musings and get on with all the good stuff so grab a beer, pack a bong, get your rubber gloves on or do whatever it is you do and prepare for a killer update Orsm-style...
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As
featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the
top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay
for porn ever again if they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Tastee Teen - Magic Academy - Perfect Titties - Black Bitches - Painful Faceplant - Keely - Killer Head - Latin Chicas
Juicy Jenn - Seriously WOW - Penelope's Rack - Sad Hand Job - Amazing Carmen - Bikini Brawl - Valentina - Oh Lisa
Red Head Babe - Shake It Blondie - Lucy Pinder - Courtney Love - Topless Dentist - Young Hottie - Nurse Vida
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As a common married man is watching TV. One of his daughters comes up to him and asks," Daddy, why did you name me Rose?"" Because when you were born, a beautiful rose petal fell on your head and we just had to name you Rose," he replies. The next daughter shows up and asks," Daddy, why did you name me Lily?"" Because when you were born a water lily petal fell on your head and we decided to name you Lily." Off in the other room you hear "aaaaaaahhhhhkuidkasdhfasf, hjkhhksejhhffukfpaoe", and the father yells," SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"
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Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, "Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best friends are her legs." Much to her mother's dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that your best friends are your legs?" "You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time when even best friends must part."
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The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
ORSM VIDEO
A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers.
The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor makes an impassioned plea to the inspector and promises to clean up his act. Reluctantly the inspector agrees, but warns he'll be stopping by unannounced another time.
A month later, the inspector returns and orders a hot dog with relish. The vendor carefully grabs the dog with a pair of tongs and uses another pair to put on the relish. "You've passed," the inspector says before noticing a string hanging out of the vendor's zipper.
"Wait!" he says. "What's that for?" "The vendor replies, "I'm so clean that when I go to the bathroom, I don't even touch myself. I pull it out with the string." "And how do you get it back in your pants?" the inspector asks. "Easy," says the vendor. "I use the tongs."
READER MAIL
Would you like some Reader Mail with that? God damn you guys have been busy little campers and my inbox has the stretch marks to prove it. There's nothing that doesn't warrant undivided attention in the selection below either – its all fucking good!
If you wanna submit and have your goodies ogled by millions, nay billions, even trillions for years or very possibly centuries to come then you may do so here!
Reg wrote:
Subject: bar in thailand
I watched this video and its pretty much the scene i experienced over in Thailand... and dude... price --> $0 to $30 from 6pm to 11am next day!!!! they literally beg for you to take them home. some places eg. Pattaya have like 300 bars crammed in one zone so theres no shortage of drinking spots.
Booking my ticket now... -Orsm
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Byron wrote:
Subject: Hot Thai Ladyboi Things
My brother recently got back from Thailand and was complaining about ladyboys hassling him while he was there. I never realised just how fuckin' bad it must have been until I saw this photo. Cheers. |
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Jonathan wrote:
Subject: boring poker night + chainsaw = ok night
Anyways I was at the High road hotel Tuesday night just past (13/03) and was there to play poker. during a break I was up at the bar getting a beer when some big dude runs in screaming a yelling "where is he!" this dude was holding a running chainsaw. needless to say having this bloke standing about a meter away in a crazed state and a chainsaw I was happy I wasn't the guy he was looking for. (but still quite nervous to be that close) he then ran into the toilets and we heard more yelling and then the chainsaw revving due to him finding who he was after. no one was hurt but made a rather boring night of poker quite exciting. people at the pub where talking about his (chainsaw man) missus being bashed by the guy who was in the toilets. here is a newspaper article from today's paper and their take on the event. rather funny. yet they got the place wrong. its in Riverton not Riverdale. keep up the good work. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Hey Mr Orsm, I can't tell you how long I've been viewing your site - but its my no.1 Thursday evening viewing! Anyway, a couple of pics of my (possibly soon to be ex) wife - sorry they're not clearer, but these were kind of snapped in a hurry before she realised what was going on! Not bad given she's 40 this year - and I finally got her to wear those boots in bed...! |
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Nana Grrl wrote:
Subject: submit
I just thought since I've been a daily visitor to your site for a few years.. it was time that I contributed my shit.. literally. So here it is.
Do you have any idea just how fucking nasty that is...? -Orsm
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Franco wrote:
Subject: someone upset
Hey mate. Saw this today just next to the Narrows Bridge... not a bad effort I thought, certainly would have worked up a sweat, even with last night's cool temps!! Someone had taken a sledgehammer to it (I assume at any rate), no skid marks and all glass just fallen around the car, was pretty bizarre to see it sitting there like that! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Borat in St. Lucia
Working at the world cup cricket in St Lucia. These photos are of a pom in the party stand. Fucking poms. The cop is mad religious and wanted to kick the bugger out. Keep going strong |
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Pascal wrote:
Subject: some photos of my wife
Hello. My name is Pascal, i m french, i m 29, my wife is thai 32 years old, and i just want to show people some photos of her nice small ass on a website like your. So i hope you will enjoy them and maybe publish some ^^ |
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Rowan wrote:
Subject: FARM ATTACKS
Here is what live is like for South-African farmers and their family.
Now you understand why so many farmers come to Australia. You know things are bad when you call the police to help and they tell you that they are afraid that if they come out they will be killed... |
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Cicrope wrote:
Subject: Survive Saigon
Hi, Mr. Orsm. As I was watching a vid in yer last update (Peak Hour in India), I realized that finally I had some good shite to send ya. So here it goes: "Survive Saigon", making the streets of Peak Hour in India seem a desolate and unpopulated area. Enjoy, and keep up the good shite. |
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A man picks up a lamp lying in the street. Out pops a genie that offers him one wish. "I wish for tequila whenever I want it," the man says. "Make me pee tequila!" The genie grants the wish and when the man gets home he urinates in a glass. It's the best tequila he has ever tasted. The man convinces his wife to drink a glass, and she loves it. So, he sets out two glasses and fills them with tequila. The two drink all night. The next night, the man tells his wife, "Grab one glass and we'll drink tequila." "Why only one glass?" she asks. "Because tonight," the man replies, "you drink straight from the bottle!"
ORSM VIDEO
A young man named Gordon Brown bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."
Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already." Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway." The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!"
Gordon grew up and eventually became the British Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.
Giorgio had been in this country for about six months. He walked to work every day and would pass a shoe store on the way. Each day he stopped and looked in the window and admired a certain pair of leather boots. He wanted those boots so badly; it was all he could think about.
After about two months he saved the $300.00 the boots cost and purchased them. He polished them every day. They were so shiny, that you could see your face in them.
Every Friday night the Italian community would get together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new leather boots to the dance.
He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I 'm wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replied, "I can see the reflection in my new $300.00 leather boots. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, are you wearing white panties with black polka dots on them, tonight?" Rosa answered, "Yes, Giorgio, I am, but how do you know that?" He answered, "I can see them in my shiny new boots. How do you like them? "
Now the evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red. He said, "Carmella, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wearing no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!" Carmella smiles coyly and answered, "Yes Giorgio, I'm not wearing any panties tonight. But, tell me, how did you know?" Giorgio gasped, wiped the sweat off his brow, and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my new boots."
RANDOM SHITE
This RS is about as close to perfect as it gets. It hits on that sweet spot exactly between humour and obscenity with a touch of boobies and gay mixed in for good measure. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
Jim was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 220 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift – wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Excited, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Jim has been missing since last Friday.
ORSM VIDEO
Don't ask me why but I had a fucking good time getting this update stuck together so if you think it sucked then its probably a good idea to look within...
- Check out the site archives. More pleasurable than taking a massive shit.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I'm busy with your tasty little sister...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go all Emo and start cutting himself again...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me without knowing me? Want to fight me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Well go take a shit but first make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and drive safe. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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