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HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats
and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes
in mudguards just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your
garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed
your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the front mudguard.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;
used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to
the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is
dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it
is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies,
to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant
200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds
them off.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short. |
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