| Remember the book "Men
are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's
a prime example offered by an English professor at
an American University.
In-class Assignment for
Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple.
Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner
will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what
has been written each time in order to keep the story
coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and
anything you wish to say must be written on the paper.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
been reached."
The following was actually
turned in by two of my English students,Rebecca -
last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
----------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph
by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't
decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile,
which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at
home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once
said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But
she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and
if she thought about him too much her asthma started
acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant
Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in
orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation
17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance
so far..." But, before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
---------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and
died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon
afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress
Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers
to read, no television to distract her from her sense
of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know,
but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.
The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had
left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion which vaporised poor, stupid, Laurie and
85 million other Americans. The President slammed
his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow
this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em
out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse
to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a
self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall
I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort
of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such an air headed bimbo
who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slut.
----------------------------------------------------------
Get fucked.
----------------------------------------------------------
Eat shit.
----------------------------------------------------------
FUCK YOU - YOU
NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
Go drink
some tea - whore... |
