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Phill Ash wrote:
Subject: Dear Husband - A Rebuttle

This just begged to be rebutted!

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Dear soon-to-be husband,

I thank you whole-heartedly for considering me to be your future wife. We have a very bright future ahead of us, and it can be even brighter if you take note to a few things that are a part of what makes a marriage between a man and a woman work and become successful. Please take the time to read over the conditions below that I have set-forth for you.

It is with great amusement that I peruse the *conditions* that you have “set-forth” for me in our "successful" marriage.

1. I will not do any dishes by hand, if you expect me to do dishes, either hire a maid or buy a dishwasher. You can locate one at any appliance store between $200 and $400.

In the kitchen, you will find a $500 9-piece All-Clad cookware set, a $400 Wüsthof knife block and my great-grandmother’s china tea service. If I find any of them inside the dishwasher, then that's where you will find yourself.

2. I will not wash your laundry in the bathtub while you work over-time to save up for a washer. I will not pack wet clothes into a laundry basket and tote it to any clothes line. I must have a working washer and dryer to do laundry. If you expect me to pack our dirty laundry into my vehicle and take it to a public laundromat, you can do it yourself.... 3 towns away where no one knows us.

I will not suffer the increased electric bill or the smell of wet lint on any day when weather permits hanging the laundry out to dry. The dryer is a convenience not a necessity. If you are too proud to be seen at a laundromat, then you probably don't want *those* pictures posted on ORSM.

3. I will not get on my hands and knees to scrub any floors. I must have a Swiffer mop and Swiffer broom if you expect to have clean floors. That manual stuff is for the birds... or you can again, hire a maid.

If you wish so spend the housekeeping budget (which *we* will allocate) on such frivolities, then don't let me hear you complaining when the sink is stopped up and you have no Drano.

4. I will not clean up after your friends at anytime during our marriage. If they make a mess be it puke, piss or simply leaving their glass on the coffee table... it's your responsibility and not mine!

Likewise your cat's litter box.

5. I will not entertain your folks while you skip out on me. If your folks come over for the day or the weekend, I expect you to give me the Neiman Marcus card and JC Penny card so that I may go on an all day shopping venture or at least the Master Card so that I can rent a room in the town's finest hotel. There is no way I am doing your job for you!

I'm beginning to detect that you're just not a team player. I guess you can forget about asking me to say you're out when your mother calls.

6. I will not take out the trash. If you won't do it, look forward to repairing the garbage disposal in the sink because that is where the TV remote, your cell phone, your car keys, and your baseball cards will go if I EVER have to ask you to take out the trash more than once!

While we're on the subject of delineated responsibilities, dinner is to be served precisely 45 minutes after my arrival home. As to what happens if you won't do it – I’ll probably just cook my own dinner just like I've done for the past several years. You can use the household budget and order tandoori – but remember what I said about stopping up the sink?

7. I am not about to stoop over and pick up your clothing from the floor. If you leave your clothes on the floor and they are not placed in the laundry hamper, I will politely donate them to the Good Will or to some other agency... I don't care if you did drive to one hundred different stores to find your favourite shirt.

What's the point? Have you learned to tell whites from coloreds?

8. I will not tolerate your neglect to flush after you use the bathroom. I don't like sitting on a pissy toilet seat or having dirty water splashing up on my ass so if you want to avoid me taking a piss on you... you'll flush! Plain and simple!

Likewise, if I ever see anything even remotely resembling blood in the toilet... do you know what a “swirley” is?

9. You are responsible for paying 70% of the bills. I pay less because society, after all these years, is still critical of a woman in the workplace, therefore you make more then me. Every time you get a raise, you get another bill.

That's incorrect thinking. If you want to make more than me, then do so. I am not stopping you. You didn't get that last promotion because the woman you work for resents your sexist, repressionist attitude.

10. Sex is something that we should both enjoy. Therefore when I say I don't feel like it, don't ask me again later. For every time you ask me for sex, after I have told you once that I don't feel like it, is another day you don't get any. If I ask you for sex and you put me off, your friend gets it and you still don't get any.

So it's okay for you to put me off, but not vice versa? Not likely. Here's how it's going to work: When I've got a stiffy, I’ll stick it in your hand. If you want sex, pull it once – if you don't, pull it 700 times.

Sincerely,

Your soon-to-be Wife

Nah... You blew it at the word "conditions". You and Ellen can enjoy the rest of your lives together. I’ll find a real woman.