Alistair Zahn wrote:
Subject: John Howard's address on Iraq - Before the spin doctors got to it!
G'day Mr. Orsm, I don't know if you've seen the following but I thought you might like to use it on your site. It is a little out of date in light of recent events. Believe it or not it's been doing the rounds of the ex-pat's in asia which is how I came to see it. Love the site, keep up the good work.

"The people of Australia are neither dills nor drongoes. It should by now be obvious that Saddam Hussein reckons we're both and, frankly, I've had a gutfull.

That quality bloke from the U.N., Hans Blix, has on several occasions now rocked up in Baghdad for a squiz only to be stuffed around by a blue-chip bullshit artist who insists that, apart from a couple of two-penny bungers and a Catherine Wheel, his arsenal of weapons amounts to three-fifths of stuff-all.

To you, Saddam, I say, 'Get your hand off it This isn't bush week. We didn't come down in the last shower and will muck in for one almighty stink unless you pull your finger out and stop taking the freedom-loving world for a ride.'

The President has asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. My oath we are. We're as willing as buggery. As billy-o. We're as willing as all get out. That said, we are not yet dead-set for a stoush, and still believe that an honest yarn can sort out this barney. But only if Saddam is true blue about it. We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting position taken by some of the continentals.

Tony Blair has been beaut, even if the average Pom on the street remains iffy. But France and Germany are an absolute cot case, a hopeless bloody rabble. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have well and truly got the runs on the board in the show pony stakes.

Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the busted-arse countries. Today I expand the doctrine to include another category. The up-themselves purse-swinging states of Western Europe. The Frogs, with their history of having a bob each way, only to bludge their way out of strife, and the Krauts, who brought us the maddest and biggest dust-up of the 20th century, but come the raw prawn in the face of a comparable global shemozzle.

To the Europeans I say: Fair suck of the sav. Unless you lift your game and quick smart you will be found standing and dacked, before world opinion.

In the coming donnybrook, I would also stress that we have absolutely no worries with the Muslim peoples of the world. My government has been bagged by bolshies for hopping into queue-jumpers. Some reckon I pinched my third spell in the bush capital by giving them heaps, but they're a bloody marvelous mob and I would be more than happy to blow the froth off a couple with any of them should they shack up next door, provided they've had their bona fides sussed by our pen pushers.

Any war will be about a fair go for the people of Iraq who have had the mockers put on them for far too long by this rolled-gold, 24-carat nong who, cunning as a shithouse rat, has tried to con the world while acting like a low mongrel towards his own citizens and a raving fruitcake throughout the region.

Time is running out, Saddam. Comply with the U.N.'s demands and everything will be tickety-boo. Keep piss-farting around and we'll be in like Flynn. And you, Saddam, will be cactus.

To those domestic whiners and whingers who accuse me of cranking it too hard too early, particularly Simon Crean and his pinko mates, who have given the seppo dippos the irrits by having a red hot go at their President, I warn you that you are playing right into the hands of a man who is demonstrably as mad as a cut snake.

I trust this clarifies the Australian position. I would now like to invite the President back to the embassy for a phlegm-cutter. I understand he is no longer massively on the turps and may not be on for a proper session. In these troubled times, however, we should allow ourselves a couple of sly ones.

I thank youse all."