Dear Orsm Claus
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Dear Orsm Claus,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Orsm Claus,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my Mummy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego instead.

Dear Orsm Claus,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Dear Orsm Claus,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Dear Orsm Claus,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself Silly and squeezing the arses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Dear Orsm Claus,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Dear Orsm Claus,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your arse kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

You got a list of things you want Orsm Claus to deliver this year? Send it my way.