Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a bit worried?
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
- David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
- Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have Botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
- Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34