Mad ravings of a man pushed to the edge by Christmas...

I was asked to send this out early this year as our (my) Christmas wishes usually take a month to read... so here we are... mewwy cwistmas...

CHRISTMAS 2002

No! No! No! I am not, I repeat not, taking part in Christmas this year! No shopping... no cards... no gifts... no wrapping paper... no running out of petrol whilst searching for that oh so rare beast called the vacant car spot... did I mention no shopping? Oh and no entertaining Uncle Ted and his troop of gargoyles either! No granny trickling saliva on to the Christmas pudding...no increasing the credit card limit to 3 times what's left on the mortgage... none of it I tell you!!! Now that you all know my feelings on the matter... I've just gotta break the news to the wife...'Honey bee! Precious! Can I talk with thee?'

Call me Scrooge! Go on! I'll wear the badge proudly! Christmas these days can be summed up in one word, 'COMMERCIALISM' which comes from the Latin words....'COMMER'...which translated = 'Come on down'...and 'CIALISM'...the English translation of which is 'Spinner!' How many of you can remember the real meaning of Christmas? Yeah! See you forgot what it's all about haven't you... Well let me remind you! It's about...???? Hmm...???? Anyway it’s about stuff... and that’s why I'm not taking part. (Anyone who offers me a bat and ball at this point will suffer the consequences!)

Okay now I've just gotta tell the rellies and friends this news... maybe I should just write and tell them inside a Christmas card… DOH! No way! Nothing that has a Reindeer or Santa or a bloody snowman on it! A snowman in a place where it can reach 35 degrees in the shade on Christmas day... how gullible do they think we are!

Ah! I have a great idea... I'll cut up the cornflakes box and use the grey side... good thinking 99... Okay... here we go... 'Dear Mary... Hope you have a merry Christmas... (PS: Hope you like the limited edition card. I.e. it was very expensive but your worth it Aunt Mary... slobber slobber) 'Kellogs Cornflakes Christmas Card'... neat idea hey?... I'm just writing to tell you that Christmas is no go for me this year... the doctor warned me against going anywhere near the shops... just in case the guy with the tattooed face turns up and really does kill me! Yeah the same one who reckons I stole his parking spot last year... I do hope you... hang on Mary... someone’s at the door... probably some slimy nosed kids singing Rudolph the red nosed reindeer or something similar... Oh no it's the postman...'

'Hi just got to deliver these Christmas gifts all the way from Queensland. Merry Christmas!

'Wha...? Six presents... All the way from Queensland... Oh look! Two are addressed to me… Oh isn't that wrapping paper cute... six white boomers pulling a pub along... and the tartan bow... hey I could use that on Jock's wallet and maybe he might just open it one day... but wait a minute!... I can't accept these gifts!... I'm not getting sucked into this... no way!... This is exactly what happens!... They buy for you... so you gotta buy for them and so on and so on... until your working 3 months overtime to pay off the pressies.......Well no...... I'm not playing that silly game!!

Wonder what's in them?... Doesn't matter... I'm going to send them straight back... now... tomorrow... or the next day... I should just have a quick peek... just to see how much they spent on me... gee they must have used 3 rolls of cello tape... how am I going to open this without tearing the paper?... hmm... this one feels heavy... ooh the suspense is killing me... Look I don't want whatever is in here... I just merely want to know what it is... I promise I'll send it right back... DAMN! That's the bloody paper torn... Now I'll have to find some of this same paper and rewrap it... right well what do we have here?... Wha!... what's this... 'Dear brother in law... we know how much you hate the commercialism of Christmas so we decided you were right (for once. huh huh!?) and we decided not to buy presents this year... we refused to take part in the commercialism that you so (always huh huh!?) whinge about... instead we just sent you this piece of limestone rock from our garden... just so you know we're thinking of you at this special time... A PIECE OF LIMESTONE ROCK! I've just paid a guy 200 bucks to cart away a ton of that stuff from my garden!! The miserable tight fisted buggers!!! Don't they know it's Christmas!!!!!!!!

Actually we in the Catering department do love Christmas......some even love shopping... truly... really... Anyway we just wanna say we luv you all... have happy days... have a safe Christmas (stay away from the shops and blokes with tattooed faces).... enjoy time with your families (unless you've got an uncle Ted in your family).

MERRY CHRISTMAS & BEST WISHES TO ALL!

PS: We won't be giving gifts this year cos we... we… err decided that you would only be embarrassed cos the ones you bought for us would cost less... see how thoughtful we are... we of course will gratefully receive the cheap ones you bought for us...

PS: This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real life people is purely coincidental.

Yours,

Scrooge! McGrimshaw