Wayne Carey wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit ready for another hard days work of being an overpaid footballer.

Catching sight of himself in the mirror he thinks, "By God, Wayne, you're looking good this morning". He admires the fine cut of his outfit and the Neat trim of his hair, and flexes his biceps.

"Feeling good, too" he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the tight tracksuit he was wearing.

He enters the kitchen downstairs where his wife hands him a bowl of cornflakes. "You're looking fit this morning, Wayne". "You don't have to tell me..," says the thick tosser appreciatively. I feel good as well."

"But you're not smelling so good, mind you " comments his beloved. Wayne takes a sniff. "You're right there." he says worriedly. "I am smelling a bit rough."

He eats his cereal, downs his coffee, and sets off for Arden Street.

"Good morning, Denis," he grins at Denis Pagan. "It's a fine morning Wayne," says Dennis, "and you're looking really good." "Why thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well," says Wayne flexing both arms for his benefit. "Oh Wayne!" winces Denis in disgust, "you smell awful!"

Worried, Wayne visits his doctor. "Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful." The doc reaches down for his medical dictionary. "You look good," he scans down the page, "you feel great....but.....smell awful. Hmmm yes..."

"It's quite simple, Wayne," the doctor says "You're a Cunt.

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Having a BBQ this Sunday
Wayne Carey's coming
Bring your missus.

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Q. What has Ansett and Anthony Stevens wife got in common?
A. Both have been fucked by Big Kangaroos.

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"IT WASN'T ME" - By Wayne Carey, sung to the tune of Shaggy's song of the same name :

Wayne : (knock, knock, knock) Open up man..
Shaggy : Yo Wayne, whazzuuup??
Wayne : Stevo caught me man...
Shaggy : You let him CATCH you??
Wayne : I dunno what I was thinkin

Shaggy : With who?

Wayne : My best mates chick, Kellie.......... I dont know what to do?

Shaggy : Say it wasn't you...

Wayne : Alright....

Wayne : Stevo came in and he caught me red-handed, bangin' on the bathroom floor, Picture this, I was slammin' his missus, we hadn't been caught before. How was I to keep him from what he was about to see? All this time he was standing there, I was feeding her a pound of meat.

Shaggy : You never pork the missus of your real good mate, Even if she flashes and offers you the bait You can't apologise and wipe clean the slate If you think with your dick, you gotta live with the fate..

You were the captian of the kangaroos doesnt matter if youve been gunning the booze Because of all this your careers gonna lose just because stevos chick couldnt hold the ooze

Wayne : But he caught me on the locker..

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : Saw me banging in the goal square

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : I even did her at Dennis Pagans

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : Eddie Maguire caught me on camera

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : He saw the rubbers in his drawer

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : What shit could I tell him

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : As his bitching got louder

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : I screamed "I Quit, its over"

Wayne : Stevo came in and he caught me red-handed bangin' on the bathroom floor,Picture this, I was poundin' his missus, shoulda shut the bathroom door. Why did he drag me out for all of the group to see? With my strides around my ankles, I said "Hey Guys, It Wasn't Me"!!

Shaggy : You can say goodbye to your new 3 year deal, All because YOU couldn't re-sist a feel. Make sure you look for poison in your next cooked meal. No more footy, pinch yourself, yes it's real!!

Now your lookin to head up north to Syd-ney Screw pluggers chick and youll lose a Kidney Thats my advice and it is for free no bloody chance of another captaincy

Wayne : But he caught me on the forward line.

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : Saw me banging in the back yard

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : I even did her at Spider Burtons

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : Eddie Maguire caught me on camera

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : He used to take marks on my shoulder

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : Was the shit that I told him

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : As his bitching got louder

Shaggy : It wasnt me

Wayne : I screamed "I Quit, its over"

Wayne : Stevo came in and he caught me red-handed, bangin' on the bathroom floor Picture this, I was ridin' his woman, coulda gave her three inch more. I was stupid not to close the door, so everyone else could see. Why did Sal' not believe me when I told her it wasn't me?,

Gonna tell Dennis that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused but the purple headed warrior just had to be gorged....

I'll tell Channel 9 that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused, I thought I was more than a player, not a loser in love.

Wayne : Stevo came in and he caught me red-handed, bangin' on the bathroom floor, Picture this, I was slammin' his missus, we hadn't been caught before. How was I to keep him from what he was about to see? All this time he was standing there, Roo Boy was humping at his feet.

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"Football Nights (to the tune of Summer Nights from Grease)"
Wayne Carey: "Anthony's wife, she's such a blast"
Kellie Stevens: "Sally's husband, always at full-mast"
Wayne: "She's a slut, crazy for me"
Kellie: "He's so easy, weak as can be"
Wayne: "Lisa's birthday, drinking away, oh I love those football nights"
Teammates: "Well ah, well ah, well ah, well, tell us more, tell us more"

President Aylett: "Did he just grab her breast?"
Roos teammates: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Anthony Stevens: "The prick thinks he's the best!"
Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...
Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

Wayne: "Wanted to screw her, oh what to do?"
Kellie: "Wayne was so randy, said come to the loo"
Wayne: "She gave me her body, right in Glen's house"
Kellie: "I pulled down his trousers, he ripped at my blouse"
Wayne: "Lisa's birthday, shagging away, oh I love those football nights"
Teammates: "Well ah, well ah, well ah, well, tell us more, tell us more"

President Aylett: "But he's such a great guy"
Roos teammates: "Tell us more, tell us more"
President Aylett:"This must all be a lie"
Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...
Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...

Wayne: "Glen found us at it, decked me with a right"
Kellie: "Glen dobbed to Anthony, oh what a fight"
Wayne: "Sally passed out, which was just as well"
Kellie: "I stayed in the toilet, wet as all hell"
Wayne: "Lisa's 30th, it's all come undone, oh I hate those football
fights"
Teammates: "Well ah, well ah, well ah, well, tell us more, tell us more"

President Aylett: "I had to give Wayne the boot"
Roos teammates: "Tell us more, tell us more"
President Aylett:"All because of a root"
Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...
Teammates: Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... uh-huh ...
(Slower now)
Wayne: "My life is over, I was addicted to sex"
Sally: "I'm in a clinic, our marriage he wrecks"
Kellie: "I signed a contract, with New Idea"
Anthony:"Turned out okay, I'll captain this year"
Wayne: "Oh Kangaroos, what have I done, oh I hate those teammate's wives"
Wayne and Kellie: "Sex junky dreams, ripped at the seams,
But ... oh those Football Ni-ights"
Ex-teammates: "Tell me more-or-or"