Welcome to don't read the instructions, complain the stupid thing doesn't work.
Here not here. A couple of months of feverishly plugging away are about to pay off - holidays are here; or as 'mericans incorrectly call it - a vacation. Destination Thailand. Almost exactly 5 years since our first and last visit and I am abso-fucking-lutely gagging to get the out of here.
I've been carefully planning this week because I knew things were going to hiccup in some way. Absolute non-negotiable though was my foot which has been has been painful for months. Lots of them. Plantar fasciitis aka liimping around like a cripple everywhere. Have had a couple of injections but they've not quite hit the spot. One final jab will/should/could do the trick however you can't have them too close together so the only option was waiting until this week. Really, really important so I can move around pain-free whilst away.
Soooo roll down to the place Monday morning, hand over my referral letter from the GP... aaaand he's written it up as a scan request, not injection. This is a new GP entirely by the way. Had grown so disenchanted with farce after farce with the old/original doctors clinic that it was time for a change. Annoyed, I race home, call the doctor surgery, admittedly probably a touch manic, and explain that I need this sorted ASAP because going away. In other words, strongly stressed the importance. They promise to get back to me ASAP. Unconfident that this will work out in a way that suits me and manages my mania, I call the old GP and ask for a referral. Noooo fucking worries and its done the same day. Meanwhile the other docs didn't call me back for 2 days. The doc had rewritten the referral... as a scan only. What a cunt. Told them not to worry about it and could they please destroy my records.
This is pretty clear cut case of the grass is always greener. As much as the old doctor's surgery annoyed me through ineptitude, it's hard to overlook being able to get a script for almost any medication or referral or whatever WITHOUT having a consult.
Time being an omnipresent theme of late, had to laugh at the weekend when a knock at the door did come. Some dude with a clipboard asking if I'd take a survey for Gallup or Reach one of those. "Mate, the missus and kids have all just gone out. I have maybe an hour to myself. If this is a quick 2 minute thing then yep. Otherwise... umm... how long does it take?" "It takes approximately 45 minutes to complete, sir". "Haha!" He offered to return another day, a weekend day, because apparently they don't do the survey on weekdays. Makes sense.
Speaking of which... I've been getting calls most days from Filipino telemarketers. Googling the phone number told me it was for binary options. Have been answering and hanging up or saying "NO!" and then they called right when I was on the bog. I answer and say "Hello?" she says "Hello Orsm how are you"... as if we are mates... I say "Well thanks. Just taking a shit at the moment. You?" "WHAT!?" she says. I hung up and they haven't called back since. Good shit.
Alright let's move forward with the update. Can't really offer you guys much today except of course for one of the finest works of art on the entire internet. Sorry. Check it...
Now this is a terrible idea! Just kidding. Remember this guy? Waaaay back in the day he was legit one of the first pranksters and one the first people to truly go viral with Kinetsu Hayabusa. the hilarious Urban Ninja. Annnnyway he's up to something new and it sounds awesome. Go check it out here. That's all anyone is asking. Check it out HERE!
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist... I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
--
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".
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I'm not saying I drive a small car... but whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
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A construction worker goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm constipated". The doctor examines him for a minute and then says "Lean over the table". The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the butt with a baseball bat, -CRACK- ... and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation?" The doctor says "Stop wiping with cement bags".
--
Millions of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I really hate babies.
--
An angel appears and says "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars". Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers "You have great wisdom. Say something!" The man says "I should have taken the money".
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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. Presenter: "Wow!! This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks!" says Paddy.
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A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask "How do you know" the German says "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia" the others ask "How do you know" he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says "We are in Mexico" the others ask "How do you know" he says "Cuz' my watch in gone".
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up and looks around as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two pretty nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
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My dad got me a dictionary for my birthday. "Why did you get me this?" I asked. He said "Because you're stupid". Then for his birthday I got him a dildo. "Why did you get me this?" he asked. I said "Because you're a cunt".
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A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man "Is your mother home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked "What the fuck do you think?"
--
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles; there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose" the husband responded dryly "we could clean the house".
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A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No" he says "I'm fine with pills".
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra" she replied.
"I'll be damned" said the patient "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer". "It doesn't" said the dentist "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".
A blonde guy gets home from work... Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"
He runs back down the stairs and starts dialling the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him: "Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!"
He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.
"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway".
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door.
He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway".
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
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-I was working at Sears selling electronics, and we had a customer buy a display model TV. Those were sold with a discount and therefore they were non-returnable. They can only be exchanged for a similar model or a gift card. All of this was clearly explained beforehand. So a customer buys this TV then comes after the weekend of a football or hockey night game and wants to return it because he doesn't like the colour anymore. When I explain to him that we can't and remind him that was all laid out to him yesterday he threatened me with 'You give me my money back RIGHT NOW, or I am driving my truck into here.' Half laughing and half surprised, I answered "That still will not change our return policies. Also, we are on the second floor.
-In a Harvard Square restaurant on the night of Harvard's graduation, the kitchen was completely overwhelmed. One irate customer exclaimed loudly "Who here thinks the service sucks?" The entire room broke into applause. Even though the kitchen's meltdown was not the fault of the waiters, we had to continue to work that room in that unruly, mob-like atmosphere.
-I work at Six Flags Over Georgia on one of the roller coasters and I asked a woman if she could place her purse, which was massive by the way, in one of our cubbies or have someone else hold it.
Now she had about 4 of her children standing in the exit, the oldest of which was about 12 which is the one who she handed her purse to, but as soon as she took her seat she says to me "My damn purse better be here when I get back or im gon' get my man up and here and shoot yo mothafuckin ass dead!
-I work at hotel's front desk. One day we had an Armenian guest who was claiming his the room was not up to his standards and decided to make a big deal about it the next morning. He was so rude to the point of almost making a co-worker cry of desperation because she refused to compensate the night as his arguments seemed really fake and invalid. Once he saw he was not going to get nothing back he threw his receipt on the floor and powered walked his way out into a very clean glass door that was recently cleaned. His sunglasses broke causing him a small cut on the upper part of his nose. My co-worker and I couldn't stop laughing the second he walked out even madder.
-A female customer had a few drinks and fell asleep on the toilet. Since our stalls go all the way to the ground, I had to get on a co-worker's shoulders, then dangle upside down over the top of the stall to unlock it. Then I'm blinded by her private parts, have to pull up her underwear from around her ankles, and wake her up. When she stumbled out of the restroom, her boyfriend asked her what took her so long and laughed at her".
-Some guy threatened to "chop me up in little pieces" after I refused to accept a product that had explicit instructions to return it to the manufacturer.
-I worked windows support at Microsoft in the 90's. When I told a guy that his support agreement expired and we would need to charge him, he flipped his shit and said "that McVeigh, he bombed the wrong building." He even repeated it so I could emergency record it, oh and I had his name, address & phone number.
-Working at McDonalds overnight on the weekend when the bars let out. This location was pretty busy with drunks so cops sat in the parking lot of a church across the street. This drunk asshole comes through the drive thru in a mustang. He's being obnoxious, revving his engine and honking his horn because he has to wait in line. The cops notice and come around. They tell him to pull into a spot so they can talk to him. They end up arresting him because he was obviously drunk, but the best part is he parked in a handicap spot and ended up getting a $400 ticket for that.
-One time when I was 20 and working at a coffee house, this woman who was out on bail for dismembering a body threatened to kill me and my friend, then the manager kicked her out. True story, she is still in jail.
-The worst customer I ever had was a business woman who was running late for a flight. I had already shut the door of the airplane and pulled the loading bridge off. When I very politely told her she had missed the flight, she went completely nuts calling me 'a cunt' and told me she would be my worst nightmare. She just continued to scream and scream until a supervisor came and physically pulled her away from the podium.
-A customer claimed I damaged his coat, demanded $1,000, and, when I refused, he hounded me with death threats for two years. The police said "He's not a very nice guy, you should probably take him seriously".
-While working in a call centre doing tech support for Optus (Australia) mobile phones, I had to tell a guy that the only way to get his phone to send a MMS picture message was for him to post it to the repair centre. He lived in the centre of Australia, and the repair centre was in Sydney, 3000km away. He said "You watch your fuckin back at night son, dingo gonna stab you". There was something about the tone of his voice. I was in Sydney at the time, but I still didn't sleep well for a few days.
-Worked at Best Buy 10 or so years ago, this happened on Black Friday. Most of the customers were in bad moods since they'd been waiting hours to come in and stand in more lines. But this one lady was a raging bitch. After yelling at everyone in my department about how she NEEDED the laptop that was on sale despite it being sold out, she proceeds to tell us she'll have the store closed down because she "works with the city and knows the fire marshall and we have too many people in the store." So she calls him, we tell her to leave, and nothing happens to the store. However we called them as well to report what she'd said, and she got fired from her job for abuse of power.
-During a cardiac arrest a young woman waiting to be seen by the doctor complained that she was waiting a long time. We explained that a patient came in 'dead' and we were trying to revive him. She said "Well if he's already dead, then to hell with him, I'm still alive!"
-This one guy would come in for endless shrimp every day, park in his chair for two hours, and just crush the little guys. Here's the thing though: You can only order one refill at a time, so literally every time you walked by he'd ask for another order. At Red Lobster, you're only allowed three tables at once in your section, so he would take up 33% of your capacity to make money in those two hours. One day we counted, and he did 330 shrimp. 330! On top of that, he acted like he was doing you a favour when he left $3 as a tip. About once a week, his wife would come in with him, and it was the same thing with her. But the tip stayed at $3. If a small part of you wishes you were this guy, you wouldn't if you saw his wife.
-I used to work at an upscale boutique a few years ago and a customer tried to return a $1200 dress that had clearly been worn. It had makeup stains, flecks of wine and significant remnants of whatever she had for dinner. She demanded a refund because the tag was still intact. I pointed out the stains and explained that because she clearly wore the dress we couldn't take it back. Then she asks 'What if I get it dry cleaned?' I shake my head 'No.' Her eye twitches, her face goes red and she begins screaming that she is going to sue me and have her husband shut the store down. The owner of the boutique, a Polish woman who takes crap from no one, comes out of the back, glares at the woman and hisses at her "Peasant!" The woman grits her teeth and stomps out of the store. All I could do was slow clap for my boss.
-Once I had a couple come from a music festival and pressure another table into giving them a slice of their pizza. After their server calmly asked them not to ask other customers for food, they got really upset, made a loud scene, and demanded to speak with a manager. What made it all make sense was that they dropped a flask on their way out".
-I still remember delivering a box of groceries to a customer that owned a jewellery store and was fairly well off. I was 17 years old and had just gotten my driver's license. I was driving around in an old van doing deliveries for a grocery store. I rang the doorbell with a large, heavy box of groceries in my hands. The maid let me in. I was in the vestibule of this nicely-appointed house. Suddenly, the customer came swooping down the stairs. "Don't you EVER use the front door. Delivery boys use the servant's entrance in the bac!" She accented 'delivery boys' and 'servants' as if she were saying, lepers, tramps and other filth of the earth.
-We had one guy so 'wigged out' that he started eating the plastic plants at the front door. He bit into it and just started chewing it!
-One client would continuously drop papers to be filed on the floor in front of me, making me bend over each time to pick them up off the floor, despite the fact that I had my hand outstretched to accept each piece of paper.
-When I was 17, I Worked at Sears in the Home Electronics section. A guy who was in his 60's returned a paper shredder 10 months after he purchased it. A stamp on his receipt said that anything returned after 60 days was charged a 20% restocking fee. He said he refused to pay it because it wasn't opened up. After I tried to be polite for 30 seconds, he started yelling at me loud enough for a manager from a different area to come over. It ended with the customer asking what time I got off, because he would be waiting for me so we could 'finish our discussion.' I thought it was strange because I didn't raise my voice or do anything insulting or threatening at this point. Being a cocky teenager I said, 'I get off at 4:00 pm and I exit the loading dock doors, just outside these doors and down the hill. See you then grandpa.' Good thing the manager was between us because he tried attacking me, but was held back by the manager who lifted weights 5 days a week. When the manager said the word police, the guy grabbed his paper shredder and stormed out. The best part... the restocking fee would have been about $4!
-I had a lady come in and seat herself. I asked her to go back to the host stand because that wasn't an open table. She still somehow ended up at the same table and orders food while she waits for her friend, and I accidentally drop a plate next to the table. So she claims she got cut by it. On the opposite leg. And on the opposite side, which would be completely impossible. How do I know? Because the last time she came in she told me all about how she scammed the restaurant my mum works for. At the end of the meal she complained that she should get her entire meal comped over an accident that she faked, and it worked; she did get her food comped, but she still had to pay for her alcohol. She paid $14 and some change and stiffed me. Then I come back to the table to bus it, and she had stolen the salt and pepper shakers. One word: ratchet.
-One time this chick had to use the bathroom but the stalls were full, so she basically popped a squat on one of the plants and started pissing! The manager tells the owner, who gets really angry. All the manager could say was, 'She had to pee!'"
-I had one guy who told me that I wouldn't have to caddie if I had a college degree and a real job. I was in college at the time earning money to pay for school.
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Rhonda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
the parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled "Shut up, you stupid ugly
bird!"
To which the parrot replied "Get him, Spike!"
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I don't really like flying. And I may never fly again after my last experience. We had taken off on a Los Angeles to New York flight and reached a cruising altitude when the Captain comes over the loudspeaker.
"Good morning. This is your Captain. We are at a cruising altitude of 34,000 feet and are on schedule to reach New York on time. The weather in New York is clear and pleasant, and the flight looks to be smooth and clear except for maybe, OH MY GOD!!"
Several people got nervous and others, like me, outright panicked. I'm clinching the armrests so hard, my hands turn white, then red! The guy next to me remained calm and suggested I settle down - but man!
After what seemed like an eternity, the Captain comes back on the speaker system.
"Ladies and Gentlemen" he starts. "I'm sorry about what happened, but a flight attendant spilled scalding, hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants".
Suddenly a voice from a few rows behind screamed "THAT'S NOTHING - YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK OF MINE!!".
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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself" the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself". And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself". And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep? A dozen rabbis!
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer".
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely" she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. The greatest shit to ever hit the internets before you knew what the internets was.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless it isn’t. The plane could crash. Then this is the last update!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will use his incredible size to incapacitate you. How big is Ray you wonder...? Ray is so fat that the Australian government prevented him from boarding a flight to Japan for fear he would be captured for his sweat. Apparently it is a highly sought after sushi accompaniment used by the finest chefs in the most exclusive restaurants.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never help anybody. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.10.19-17.57
Welcome to How To Pick Up Chicks Blog by Harvey Weinstein.
Nice to have a bit of action around here. Was out in the backyard earlier admiring the bloody perfect day when all of a sudden I hear glass smash and a door get kicked in followed by a bunch of guys screaming "POLICE DON'T MOVE! POLICE DON'T MOVE!" Very unusual for this area.
Obviously the first thing I do is get my head down. The second was to get upstairs as quickly as possible to look over into the neighbour's yard. Open the window and see two cops sweeping the garden with guns drawn. A few seconds later, another shout from inside the house: "PUT THE GUN DOWN! PUT THE GUN DOWN!" then a couple of shots. Awesome.
Continue to watch and notice that the cops clearing the backyard were carrying blue-coloured guns. Training guns, not the real thing. The house is old state housing and been vacant for about a year. Its overgrown and falling apart. Pretty clearly about to be demolished and rebuilt into units or some such. Cops must use them because it doesn't matter if stuff gets trashed during the exercise.
Moving on. Not a hell of a lot else happening. I've been doing battle with my bank over some paperwork for about 6 weeks. Going to use non-specific language here because really have no idea WTF I'm doing but basically its just rejigging some legal stuff. So... did a huge amount of fucking around to prepare a whole bunch of docs which were to be approved and returned to me. Took to a branch who sent them off to the head office. And somewhere in there they lost one of them. All came back to me except ONE document.
Have called them so many times, sat forever on hold, spoken to so many people, promises [read: lies] to call me back which just never came, to track it down because, you know, it's a fucking legal document. Ended up having to redo the whole thing, get it signed, witnessed, verified, notarised, certified, blessed and sent it registered post to the head office myself.
Finally it came back to me so hurriedly returned to the relevant government department with everything in hand only to be told *they* had the document all along. Not entirely sure who is responsible here, maybe me, PROBABLY me, but can safely say the bank wankers do not have any sort of apology coming their way because useless cunts. Remember when you were a kid and oldies would say "don't be in such a hurry to grow up"? This is why. Rather, BANKS are why.
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says" See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time". "No way" the guy say's. "Oh yeah, and she only charges $20". So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn't believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.
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I was in bed with a woman and she said "I want tonight to be magical". And it was. After we had sex, I disappeared.
--
A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife. "Please describe" said his attorney "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity". "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week" the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife". "One Sunday morning" he continued "we were in the midst of heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'
--
The graduate with a science degree asks "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks "Do you want fries with that?"
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A young boy approaches his old pa, who is sitting in the armchair, smoking his kippers and eating his pipe.
"Dad?" "Yes my boy?" "There's this girl at Nursery..." "Oh?" "And she lets me use her felt tips..."
"Go on" says the Dad, trying not to get an erection from this.
"How do you make a girl love you, dad?" "Oh son! Son, son, son!" Dad chuckles "When you get to be my age you'll know better, but you can't really make a girl love you!"
Pause.
"I meant physically". "Oh, then... Rohypnol". "Does that work?" "You wouldn't be here if it didn't".
A nice middle class couple decide to take their young daughter to the zoo. They laugh at the penguins, feed the elephants and when they get to the monkey house, there are two monkeys fervently shagging.
"What are those monkeys doing mummy?" asks the little girl. "They are making cakes" replies the mother somewhat embarrassed but smugly pleased with her quick thinking.
A couple of weeks later, there is a terrible thunder storm and the little girl gets scared and decides to find her daddy. And downstairs there her daddy is laid on the couch watching hard-core pornog. He sees her at the last minute and turns it off quickly... but not quickly enough.
"What was that man and lady doing on the TV daddy?" she asks. "They were making cakes..." replies her daddy.
Another couple of weeks later the little girl approaches her mother in the kitchen.
"You and Daddy were making cakes on the sofa last night" she states. "How do you know that?" asks her mother, shocked. "Because I just licked the icing off the seat!"
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy". "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that". Puzzled, the Englishmen walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second Englishmen walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you". Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!"
The third Englishmen said: "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch". The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said "I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me!"
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-I caught little "Johnny" with a cheat sheet during a practice spelling test. We have a practice test on Thursdays. If they score 100% on Thurs, then they don't have to take the test on Friday. I talked to the boy about doing his best without looking at the paper he brought from home and then I told him that he would have another chance the next day on the "real" test. I sent mum a note telling her the same thing. Mum sent a typewritten letter the next day saying that it was all her fault because she had praised him too much the week before when he got 100% on the spelling test. She said that she had given him the test at home and he got 100%, so could I just give him that grade this week? Oh, boy!!
-This did not happen to me but I heard about it from the teacher it happened to several years ago: A parent sent a box of cake mix and a can of frosting with a note to the teacher saying that it was for her daughter's birthday later that week and would she please make it?
-A child who misses school often was out one day, but this time upon returning to school, had a doctor's note. Sounded official to me. The attendance clerk called me in for a laugh. In my rush to get all notes in the attendance folder, I didn't notice that my little 6-year-old boy had been to the OBGYN for a visit, according to the note.
-A parent asked me one year if I could watch her kid after school because she couldn't get to school in time to pick him up and what did I do after all the kids were gone anyway?
-After an hour long conference with a parent discussing in detail the child's severe behaviour issues, failing grades in every subject, and total disrespect for all other children and adults, the parent turns to me and says "But other than that, he's doing okay, right?"
-During a conference with a mum whose 3rd grade son was doing nothing but flirting with a girl, she said "Well, I got no worries, coz he's a pretty boy. He knows the girls will do all the work for him. I tell him every day, he's a pretty boy. He got no worries, I got no worries". (He's not a pretty boy, and I've got lots of worries).
-Each Tuesday, test folders go home for parents to look over, sign, and return on Wednesday. One parent sent it to me on Friday with a note that she was unable to sign it because she couldn't find a pencil.
-A parent thought her daughter shouldn't have the spelling words lick and like marked incorrect since they were spelled correctly except she wrote lick for like and like for lick.
-I teach at a Christian school and during Halloween, we choose to celebrate harvest and stay away from Jack-O-Lanterns, etc. We do however colour harvest pictures with pumpkins (no faces) and use these as an object lesson about God's creation. One parent was so upset that we even allowed pumpkins that she pulled her son out of our school and put him in public school. Hmmm, wonder what they do on Halloween...?
-A few years ago a mother called me to tell me that her child had strep throat and the doctor said she had to be out of school until she had taken the antibiotic and was fever free for at least 24 hours. So I thanked her for letting me know. Then she said "She'll still get her perfect attendance award at the end of the year, won't she?" I said "Well, no, not if she has to be absent". The mother got all huffy and said "I can't believe you all count kids absent when they're sick!" then she hung up on me.
-Recently I got this note from a mother of a child in my class. It sounds like a missing persons report, or perhaps a description of someone who has just robbed a bank. "Jenny's grandmother will be picking her up today. Her name is Mary. She drives a blue '95 Buick and is wearing a purple jacket, red shirt, and blue jeans". I wondered what I should do if Grandma happened to change clothes during the day.
-When I was on hall duty and I sent a child back to walk after he was running and crashed into three kids. The mother was nearby and said "You don't have to go back and walk. We'll practice walking tomorrow". I said "No, he has to go back and walk right now, so he gets the immediate message". She said "But we're already late". I replied "Well if he hadn't been running at lightning speed through the hallway, he wouldn't be going back to walk. It will only take him a few seconds each way". She replied "What is your name so I can report you to the principal?" I told her my name and said she was free to go tell the principal that her son was running through the hallways and that I made him go back and walk. She turned to her kid and said "I guess you better go back and walk. I guess you have to listen to all of the teachers around here, not just your own". Is it any surprise that the kids backtalk us the way that they do?
-I had a parent tell me at conferences that 1st grade should be all about reading and that the kids shouldn't even have math! On "Susie's" birthday I met her and mum at my door early in the morning. I said "Happy Birthday Susie!" Her mum looked at me funny, looked at Susie, and then looked very embarrassed while she said "Oh! Happy Birthday!" She had completely forgotten. Poor girl.
-Excuse note: "Susie will be checked out early today. We are getting her hair and nails done".
-Excuse note: "Johnny's homework is done, it's just at home, so you can give him credit". Uh, NO.
-Excuse note from a parent to explain a tardy child on a very cold winter day (neatly written in purple ink): "Please excuse Jenny for being late today. The car done froze up and would not crank".
-Several years ago a parent wrote me a note (both parents are doctors by the way) that said "Jenny is feeling a little tired this morning. Could she please go to the clinic to take a nap sometime today?"
-A parent said to me "You only grade the papers that Freddy doesn't do well on and you DON'T take a grade on the things he does a good job on!"
-Our school policy is to put book covers on all hardback books. At the beginning of a school year I sent home a Social Studies book with a note that said "please cover this book and return it tomorrow". The next morning one mum brought her son in. She handed the book to me and said "I'm sorry, we were so busy last night, there is no way we could read this whole book".
-One year we sent parent notes asking for help with supplies for a Johnny Appleseed celebration. (This was on a Wednesday. We needed them the following Tuesday.) A parent responded that she couldn't send any apple juice, because WEDNESDAY was her grocery day.
-I have a student with quite a behaviour problem. I tell the parent he stole something. Her reply "Oh, he's not allowed to steal". I tell the parent he brought a toy to school "Oh, he's not allowed to bring it to school". I told the parent that he made fun of a developmentally delayed student. Her reply: "Oh, he's not allowed to do that". You get the picture.
-A student in my class punched another student in the face and was suspended for 3 days. When he returned to school, his mother met with myself and the principal and stated that instead of the suspension plan, she wanted her son to be on the paddling plan where he is paddled when he does something wrong instead of being suspended. When our principal explained that our district had no corporal punishment policy, she said that she would sign a paper and have it notarised so we could do it. I guess those 3 days at home were hell for her...
-My teammate had a great conference. The mum was questioning everything on the report card. Our kindergarten grades are N-not yet apparent, W- with assistance and I- Independently. Her child had gotten a W in writing. The mum said if the teacher would only give him more help with his writing, he could be independent. Got to love it!
-This line is just too funny to resist. I had a mother accuse me of being responsible for her daughter's loss of virginity. (BTW, I am female and teaching 2nd grade at the time). To say I was speechless would be an understatement. I had warned this little girl repeatedly to sit down properly in her seat. But she insisted on sitting on the chair as if she were getting on a horse, swinging her leg over the back of the chair and then sitting. Yep, it happened. As she was swinging the leg, she lost her balance and ended up straddling the back of the chair rather hard. I immediately sent her to the nurse because she was in a lot of pain. I got a letter the next day saying I was responsible for the little girl losing her virginity (there was some bleeding) and how were they going to explain it to her future husband...
-When I taught kindergarten I had a mum call me at my home before school had started and asked me where she should buy her son a glue stick.
-Last year I had a student who was a behaviourally challenged. The parents were supportive, though they really didn't see why any of the things he did were inappropriate. He was improving and I had told the parents that. However on our behaviour grading scale he still had so many card changes that he got a U in classroom behaviour. Mum came in very upset. I'd told her he was doing better but he still got a U and she couldn't understand why. I explained the grading scale used by all the first grade teachers. Her comment was "Oh, you're grading him like all the other children?"
-I once called a parent in to pick up her daughter because she had head lice (I saw moving bugs). Mum came and got her alright. They went out to the parking lot then mum came back to let me know that those weren't lice they were something else!! Ewww!
-I got a note from a parent that said "I'd like to know why my son lost his recess yesterday so I can inform my lawyer".
-My first year of teaching was during the time when the movie "The Titanic" was still very popular. During journal time, I had a second-grade boy bring his journal to me to show me his artwork. "Look" he said "I'm Leonardo DiCaprio!" (instead of DaVinci, the artist).
-I have a child that is way below grade level. I wrote a note to mum asking her to come in so we could discuss strategies and testing. Her reply back was to just go ahead and sign him up for the slow classes after all, her and his dad were in them when they were in school!
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One day two single friends, Derek and Chris, were clubbing and grabbing digits left and right. Chris ended up getting blasted, but insisted on drinking and driving and they flew over a curve and both of them died.
Derek went to heaven and Chris went to hell.
Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God allows Derek to go down to hell and find Chris To his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand.
Derek, furious, doesn't even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God "How come Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got any of that?" "Well" God says "The beer has got a hole in it and the woman doesn't!"
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me" said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counsellor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said "Okay..." looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because" the little girl said with great exasperation "I'm the goalie!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Because we both know you have nothing else you're supposed to be doing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. T_T don’t cry - you'll last that long!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will fuck you up. Wanna know how? With is size is how. Oh and how big is he? Put it this way - Ray is so fat that he goes on Tinder dates WITH restaurants.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and you are now thinking about my penis.......... aren't you? FAG! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.10.12-19.12
Welcome to KFBR392 KFBR392 KFBR392...
This update is solid. Couldn't bring myself to delay it a couple more hours writing something worth reading. Maybe I just care too much? Check it...
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Just stick out your tongue!"
--
One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey. They thought they would have some fun with him. "Hey, boy" called out one of the soldiers "You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?" "Sure am" said the boy "If I didn't he would probably join the Army".
--
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know" said Melba "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore". "Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion".
--
Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his". Moe looked over and pointed out "But you're holding yours with four fingers". "I know" said Joe with a sigh "but I'm peeing on three of them".
--
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said "You know my name. What's yours?" "We're not allowed to give our names" I replied "but my operator number is 4136" Sounding disappointed, he said "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
--
"Say, Jim" Steve said to his pal "how do you like your new job?" "It's the worst job I ever had". "How long have you been there?" "About three months". "Why don't you quit?" "No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home".
--
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor" says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "The nurse told me that I will be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not" replies the doctor. "Hmmm, then I better start learning how to read music".
--
After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".
--
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini" he replied. "You'd never get it all in one". He's still in intensive care.
--
A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying "That's not quite what I had in mind". Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer "That's not quite what I had in mind". Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts "I'd like a divorce". He answers "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much".
--
I'm not saying I drive a small car... but whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day". Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know... I'm 140 miles away!"
--
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all. Jesse did and replied "That tasted like bull shit!" The doctor replied "It was, Jesse, you were a quart low".
--
What's the difference between American girls and Iranian girls? American girls get stoned BEFORE sex.
--
Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub. Mick says to Paddy "I can't be bothered to walk al dat way". "Me either" says Paddy "but we got no money for a cab, and we missed the last bus". Mick suggests "We could steal a bus from the Depot". They arrive at the Bus Depot and Mick tells Paddy to go get a bus while he keeps lookout. After shuffling around for ages Mick shouts "Paddy what are you doin, have you found one yet?" Paddy shouts back "I can't find a No 91? "Oh bejeesus ye thick sod - take a No 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!"
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THERE'S MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT FLYING...
Apparently only five per cent of the world's population has ever been on an aircraft. If that stat is correct then this this bunch of stuff about aircraft and aviation is going to come as a surprise to a lot of people. Some very interesting stuff her. Enjoy.
-It's projected that the use of the iPad as an electronic flight bag will save American Airlines 400,000 gallons of gas, or $1.2 million worth of fuel, every year. It replaces 24 million pages of paper documents overall for the carrier.
-One windshield or window frame of a Boeing 747-400's cockpit costs as much as a BMW.
-In 2006 a woman farted and tried to use matches to cover up the smell. This caused an emergency landing.
-English is the international language of flight. All flight controllers and all commercial pilots who fly on international flights are required to speak English.
-Guinness record holder for the world's smallest jet BD-5 Micro. The aircraft appeared in the opening sequence of the James Bond film Octopussy. The BD-5J version holds the record for the world's lightest single-engine jet aircraft, weighing only 358.8 lb.
-KLM is the world's oldest airline, established in 1919. Qantas is the world's second oldest airline, established in 1920.
-About 1 in 5 people have some of fear flying. Its known as 'aviophobia'.
-Increases in carbon dioxide in the atmosphere are increasing the incidents of airplane turbulence.
-In 1934 United Airlines was forced to split up into three companies by Federal antitrust actions. The three companies that came out of the split were Boeing, Pratt and Whitney, and United Airlines.
-United Flight 23 from New York to Dublin in the year 2013 was hit by a severe air turbulence, it was so serious that the pilot had to call in Air Traffic Control to arrange Ambulance at the Airport.
-In the 10 years from 2004 to 2014, Airbus has received 8,933 orders for new jets while delivering 4,824, and Boeing has received 8,428 orders while delivering 4,458.
-Some airlines will not let an adult male passenger sit next to an unaccompanied child. British Airways was sued because of this practice and lost, admitting to sex discrimination. They have since ended the policy but other airlines still defend it.
-The longest endurance flight (refuelled and manned) lasted almost 65 days in a Cessna 172 in 1968 to promote a Nevada hotel. That record still stands.
-As the first, second and third in the chain of command, America's President, Vice President and Speaker of the House of Representatives never fly together because if the plane crashes and they are all killed, the government would come to a screeching halt. Similarly, Britain's Prince Charles and Prince William do not fly together, as they are respectively second and third in line to the throne.
-An aircraft takes off or lands every 37 seconds at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.
-The world's largest passenger jet, the Airbus A380, can fly a distance of 15,700 kilometres nonstop at a cruising speed of Mach 0.85, or 900 kilometres per hour.
-Airplanes typically fly at an altitude of around 35,000 feet. If Earth were the size of a desktop globe, a plane at that height would be flying at only 1/10 of an inch off the surface.
-On July 23, 1983, Air Canada's Flight 143, with 69 people on board, ran out of fuel at an altitude of 41,000 ft. The pilot managed to glide the plane down safely as he was a very experienced glider pilot. 22,300 pounds of jet fuel had been put in instead of 22,300 kg.
-In 1987, a Steven Rothstein bought a lifetime unlimited first class American Airlines ticket (known as AAirpass) for $250,000. He flew over 10,000 flights costing the company $21,000,000. They terminated his ticket in 2008.
-It is highly unlikely that lightning would bring down an airplane. Pilots track and avoid most storms by flying around or above them. In the rare cases where they must fly through electrical storms, the metal from the plane serves as protection. In addition, all aircraft have built-in lightning protection systems that defend against electrical build-up.
-In 1920s and 1930s, pilots were given "Blunder Trophies" for making silly mistakes while operating airplanes.
-A child born in US airspace is a US citizen by birth.
-There have been more astronauts than pilots who have flown the Concorde, which is now out of service. The Concorde was a turbo jet-powered, supersonic passenger jet airliner in service from 1976 to 2003.
-Singapore Airlines spends approximately $700 million on food every year and $16 million on wine.
-In 2003, a Boeing 727 took off without authorization from the airport in Luanda, Angola. It hasn't been seen since.
-Largest jet by Airbus is the A380 while the largest jet of Boeing is 747-8I. Boeing claims the 747-8I to be over 10% lighter per seat and have 11% less fuel consumption per passenger, with a trip-cost reduction of 21% and a seat-mile cost reduction of more than 6%, compared to the A380.
-Unlike most airlines after 9/11, who collectively lost over $50 billion and shed 160,000 jobs, Southwest Airlines didn't lay off one employee or ground one flight to save money. Also, when it opened at BWI Airport, fares dropped 70% and the number of passengers increased sevenfold.
-Pilots spend a quarter million dollars on their education and training.
-In the U.S.A., over two million passengers board over 30,000 flights each day.
-The pressurisation of an airplane cabin alters the function of taste buds, causing a decrease of up to 30% in the ability to taste saltiness or sweetness. This is one of the reasons so many people dislike airline food.
Whenever a baby was born to this outback African tribe it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.
However, on the last occasion there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.
The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation. The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking. "I see your dilemma Oh great Chief. Come with me".
They go outside and over to the sheep pen. "You see all these sheep here?" the Missionary says "They are all white except that one over there that's black!" The Chief pauses a moment and says "I'll do a deal with you. You don't say anything about the kid and I won't tell anyone about the sheep, okay?"
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says "No, not at all".
His wife asks angrily "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book"...
ONE BOOB OUT - ALMOST AS GOOD AS TWO BOOBS OUT BUT I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET!
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THERE'S MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT FLYING [CONTINUED]...
-In 1974, there was a "Not-For-Profit" airline named Freelandia that served organic food and had waterbeds. The airline went bankrupt in under a year.
-Air India was originally Tata Airlines in 1932, after which a majority of it was bought over by the Government in World War 2.
-If your airline can't get you to your destination between one and two hours of your scheduled arrival on a domestic flight, or between one and four hours on an international trip, it owes you compensation of 200 percent of the one-way fare to your destination, up to $650. Believe it when I see it though.
-Passengers on a three-hour flight will shed up to 1.5 litres of water.
-The Boeing 747 wing-span (195 feet) is longer than the Wright Brothers first flight of 120ft.
-Hiring standards for flight attendants used to be extremely strict. In the late 1930s, cabin crew had to be women under the age of 30. They could not weigh more than 118 pounds, and for a period of time they also had to be registered nurses.
-Ever wondered who captures these beautiful flying aircraft portraits? These are taken by a special airplane which has the ability to open the door mid-air with a wider angle of the sky.
-Airlines don't pay tax on fuel.
-The world's fastest airplane is the Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird, flying at 2,193 miles per hour. It has held the record for nearly 40 years.
-You shouldn't travel if you have severe cold, as it can lead to damage to your ears drums and you may lose your hearing
-Nervous fliers might like to try Qantas, which has a zero-fatality safety record.
-Research indicates that people fall in love with flight attendants at first sight more than any other professions.
-The world-wide 747 fleet has logged more than 78 billion kilometres, equivalent to 101,500 trips to the moon and back.
-Airline pilots are paid only for time in the air, which doesn't include time spent getting to and from the airport, performing pre-flight duties, or waiting for delayed planes.
-You can cancel within 24 hours for no charge.
-On 18 May 1990, Jim Swire, whose daughter died in the Lockerbie bombing, took a fake bomb on board a British Airways from London Heathrow to New York JFK and then on a flight from New York JFK to Boston to show that airline security had not improved.
-Sometimes pilots tend to forget about the fasten seat belt sign. You will know this, if you notice the sign has been on for the last 45 minutes in smooth air. Some captains will leave it on all the time.
-Research shows that the first 3 minutes after take-off and the final 8 minutes before landing are when 80% of plane crashes happens.
-Aircraft radar cannot detect turbulence.
-Most commercial pilots aren't paid by the month, but by the flying time they put in.
-The tires of a Boeing KC-135 jet tanker's landing gear consist of 8 main gear wheels and two nose wheels. This is enough material to make 100 automobile tires.
-The wing-span of the A380 is longer than the aircraft itself. Wingspan is 80m, the length is 72.7m.
-In 1947, Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.
-The Boeing 767 sucks in enough air through its engines to fill a Good Year Blimp in 7 seconds.
-In 2013, an American Airlines flight from LA to NYC made an unscheduled stop in Kansas City to offload a passenger who wouldn't stop singing "I Will Always Love You".
-You should never flush the toilet while sitting on it. The pressure is so high it may cause harm to you.
-Those blankets probably have not been washed. Also, there's a solid chance your tray table has baby poo on it.
-The risk of being killed in a plane crash for the average American is 1 in 11 million. The risk of being killed in a car accident is 1 in 5,000.
-Delta Airlines contract has a specific line allowing each passenger from Hawaii to carry one box or bag of pineapples.
-Ever you ever wondered about a tiny hole in the airplane window? All the windows on aircraft have those holes. They are called "breather holes" and are meant to regulate the amount of pressure that passes between the window's inner and outer panes.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies "I make $200 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters "Pizza delivery guy".
There were three guys, Bill, John and Gary. They travelled all the way to the top of a mountain because there was a rumour of an old legend that if you climbed to the top of this one mountain you could jump off and have any wish you would like.
So when they finally reached the top John said to Bill "Umm... hey you know you were the one who made this possible so why don't you go first?" he said because he didn't think it would work. "No that's okay you can go first John" Bill said pushing John off the side of the mountain.
"AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"John yelled. "Quick make a wish Johnny-Boy!" Gary yelled out. "I... I WISH I WAS AN EAGLE!" John screamed as he surprisingly turned into an eagle before their eyes. "YEAH!!! I'm an eagle! Awesome... but umm...okay uh... now how do you fly this thing?" he asked himself as he flew into a wall.
The other two started to laugh. "Okay my turn!" Gary said. "Hmmm..." He jumped off and "I WISH I
COULD BE A BAT!!" he screamed as he started to look at the sun. "Aaghh I'm blind! I'm blind!" "Stupid..." Bill said laughing.
"Okay..." He started to ponder when he slipped and fell off the side of the mountain. "OH SHIIIIIIIIT!!" When he landed, he turned into a pile of shit.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There is a math teacher, science teacher, and a daughter of a Mexican stripper.
All 3 of them were going to HELL. So the devil tells them "I'll let you'll ask me a question and if I get it wrong you can go to HEAVEN. But if I get it right you stay here in HELL with me!"
So he asks the math teacher to give me a hard question and the math teacher does. Of course The Devil gets it right and tells the math teacher he has to stay in hell and experience torture for eternity.
He then ask the science teacher to give him a hard question. So the Science Teacher does and the Devil gets it right. He then tells the science teacher he has to stay in hell and experience torture for all eternity.
Finally it's the Mexican girls turn. The girl pulls up a chair, drills 3 hole in it, sits down and farts. She ask The Devil "What Hole did it come out of?" The Devil tells her the second hole. She tells him NO!! You dumbass! It came out of my butthole...!"
PERVING ON MUMS BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL SICK, DIRTY PERVS...
One eventful day three nuns were driving in a car when the car spun out of control crashing and killing all of them.
They went up to heaven and as they were waiting outside the gates into heaven St. Peter appeared.
"Before I let you in you all have to answer one question for me" he said.
He turns to the first nun and says "Who were the two first people on the earth created by god?" The nun responded by saying "Adam and Eve". St. Peter accepted her answer and let her into heaven.
He then turns to the second nun and says "Where did Adam and Eve live?". The nun responded by saying "The garden of Eden". St. Peter accepted this answer as well and let this nun into heaven.
He then turns to the last nun and says "This question is a little bit more difficult. What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun stood there and thought about this question for a while. Not knowing what the answer is she says "That's a hard one..." St. Peter says "correct!" and lets her into heaven.
A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades, but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life".
The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only travelled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend. "What's the problem?" asked the knight.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're so good that illegal immigrants are trying to sneak in.
-Next update will be next Thursdayyyy hip hop hoorayyyy heyyy hoooo.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will smash you with his fatness. How big is he you ask? Well put it this way - Ray is so fat that when he dies he'll be sunk off to coast to become an artificial reef.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Paul - I'll miss your emails mate. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.10.05-20.14
Welcome to Susan Boyle's MAGNIFICENT pussy.
I gave the whole gay marriage thing a run a few weeks ago after some religious arseholes knocked on our door urging us to vote no because wont someone think of the children! I'd already decided to vote yes long before they arrived spreading hate and lies so wasted no time telling them to get out of our street. Then the other day I was stopped at an intersection and spotted some of these jerks holding a huge banner which read "Think of our children, Vote NO". It was peak hour on an particularly busy road so you've actually go to hand it to them because it was an excellent way to display propaganda to a huge number of people. Roll down window, beep-beep, flip the bird. I showed them..
I've been a complete shut in during the week lately so no idea if 'yes' voters are doing similar stuff around the place but what would be fucking ingenious, is for the pro-same sex marriage people to make up equally large banners that says 'God Hates Fags', whack on a Guy Fawkes mask and go stand right next to anti same sex marriage folks. It will make them look like absolute monsters, their message will get lost and people will vote yes just to spite them. Guerrilla marketing FTW.
Moving on. Was digging through the bowels of my PC trying to clean shit up and stumbled upon this gem. Not sure of the exact origin, obviously some Kiwi radio show and first posted in 2004. Still pretty fucking funny and would love to know if the girl survived!
On to everything else that's going on which is... not that much. Most of the weekend was a mix between kids, PlayStation, garden and getting some work done. My goal is to get a bunch of updates finished or at least on their way so shit continues to run smoothly while I'm away. All sounds simple enough but it never ever is. Why? Because anyone can smash out a couple of updates. It's not those I worry about though. It's the week before you leave and the week you get back that messes up your shit. You're so flat out trying to get a million things done before you get on that damn plane that you end up destroyed. Then upon return there is the inevitable backlog which somehow, incredibly, is far greater than if you'd just stayed home and carried on as normal. First world problems tho amirte? "Oh no going overseas on holiday means I have to work harder". Meanwhile children in other parts of the world live in terrible conditions such as having no food or clean water and in the most extreme cases, countries where same sex marriage is legal. Let's do the update. Check it...
A man takes his girl home one night and decides that this would be a great day to have sex with her for the first time. So hand in hand they go upstairs and get in to bed. As he starts to slide his cock in to her she screams "AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!". "WHAT THE FUCK?" says the man and rushes to the toilet to get his KY Jelly. Coming back he slaps a bit on and proceeds to start poking again. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!". "FOR FUCKS SAKE!" says the man and dishes on the whole tube of KY. "AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGH" "GODAMMIT" says the man and proceeds to get every wet thing he can find in the house - toothpaste, mustard, ketchup, cooking oiletc and slaps it ALL on. As he tries to bone her again she yells AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHH that's fucking excruciating!!!" "Wow" said the man "that's a big word for a 5 year old!"
--
"Doctor" the embarrassed man said "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do". The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett" the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on". The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health" he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either".
--
A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her "I've kidnapped you". She then wrote a big note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde". The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink".
The one with the Chihuahua said "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us". The one with the Doberman said "Just follow my lead".
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed". The woman with the Doberman said "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog".
The bouncer said "A Doberman pincher?" The woman said "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good". The bouncer said "OK, come on in".
The lady with the Chihuahua figured what the hell, so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed".
The one with the Chihuahua said "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog". The bouncer said "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said "A Chihuahua? They gave me a damn CHIHUAHUA?!"
WHAT REALLY GOES ON IN NIGHTCLUBS? CLUB SLUTS GETTING LOOSE IS WHAT...
A small boy walks into the sitting room where his mother is watching TV.
He proclaims triumphantly "I had SEX last night!"
His mother went livid "WHAT!? What do you mean you've had sex, get to your bedroom, I'll send your father up when he gets home!"
So the young lad goes to his room and begins worrying about what his father will do with him.
When his dad comes in, he goes mental.
"I can't believe you had sex at your age!" etc etc but then after he's finished shouting he whispers "Son, I'm so proud of you, having sex so early, smashing! What a little boss! Tomorrow we'll go to Toys R' Us and you can have your pick, anything you want! Just don't tell your mother! Brilliant!"
So the next day they go to Toys R' Us, and they're looking round.
"I want that one!" exclaims the boy, pointing to a brand spanking new BMX.
"That? Are you sure? You don't know how to ride a bike yet?" "I want that one!" "Okay okay we'll get that one. Are you sure?" "I want that one!" "Okay".
So the father leaves the shop and says "Do you want to me to show you how to ride it then?"
Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, 75, looked him over.
"Nope".
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".
Furious, Bert yelled "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?""Nope. Not a clue" she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert... shoulda bought a hat!"
30 BABES WHO NEED TO GET THAT DAMN SAND OFF THEIR SKIN
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-Each button on an Xbox One controller is designed to withstand 3 million presses, before it stops functioning.
-The letter "i" that Apple uses stands for "interactive". -Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
-Sleeping Beauty is based on a story where a married king finds a girl asleep and can't wake her, so he rapes her instead. -Matt le Blanc who played Joey in the Friends was down to his last $11 on the day when he landed the role. He would have left New York had he become broke. Today his net worth is around US$60M.
-In the 1960s a Canadian psychologist visited cafes across the world counting how much couples touched each other. In Puerto Rico it was 180 times in an hour; in Paris it was 110; in London it was zero. I'm not even surprised. -A snail can sleep for three years.
-Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning 'Big Village'. -The Ramses brand of condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II, who supposedly fathered over 160 children.
-Prior to 1800 there was no difference between the left shoe and the right shoe. -It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.
-The cornea is the only organ in the entire human body that has no blood supply. It gets oxygen directly from the air.
-Bananas emit antimatter. -Acid in our stomach is so strong that it can dissolve a razor blade.
-Americans consume more corn than any other society in the world. -You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
-The first computer bug was caused by an actual bug inside the computer. -Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
-A honey bee must tap two million flowers to make one pound of honey. -In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
-Snapchat was originally intended to be an app for sending nude pictures and was called “Picabbo”. -The person who found Richard III of England's bones was not an archaeologist, but a screenwriter. She spent years looking for his burial site.
-In 2006, a woman lit matches in a flight to cover her fart smell. That forced an emergency landing.
She claimed she had 'a medical condition' that apparently involved flatulence. -Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
-Chickens outnumber humans 3:1. -Men's shirts have the buttons on the right while women's shirts have the buttons on the left because when buttons first appeared in the 17th century, they were seen only on garments of the wealthy. At that time it was the custom for rich men to dress themselves and for women to be dressed by servants. Having women's shirts button from the left thus made things easier for the mostly right-handed servants who dressed them.
-Only 8% of the world's currency is physical money, the rest only exists digitally. -The island nation Tuvalu generates revenue from the use of its area code for premium rate telephone numbers and from the commercialisation of its ".tv" Internet domain name. The ".tv" domain name generates around $2.2 million each year from royalties, which is about ten per cent of the government's total revenue.
-McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users. -Without your pinky finger, you would lose 50% of your hand's strength.
-Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. -On April 18, 1930 the BBC announced "There is no news today", and played piano music instead.
-Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials. -Bella and Edward's relationship in the Twilight series meets all 15 criteria set by National Domestic Violence Hotline for being in an abusive relationship.
-Bill Gates got his degree 32 years after dropping out from Harvard University. He had promised his dad that he would get his degree and fulfilled that promise. -Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.
-If you think someone is staring at you; yawn. If they yawn back, they were staring. -Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world's food supply each year.
-Pronghorn antelopes have 10x vision, which means on a clear night they can see the rings of Saturn. -0.7% of Americans are currently in prison.
-King Tutankhamun was a product of incest - his parents were brother and sister. He had club foot, a severe overbite, womanly hips and enlarged breasts. -In the 1840s London buses had straps attached to the driver's arms that the passenger would yank if they wanted the bus to stop.
-Only one McDonald's in the world has turquoise arches. This is in Sedona, Arizona. The Government officials thought the yellow would look bad with the natural red rock of the city.
-Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate. -The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
-US tops the world in plastic surgery procedures.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws". The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?" "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich".
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith".
The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith". The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
BIG BOOBS PROBLEM #781: THEY GET YOU A LOT OF ATTENTION
There once was a farmer with 3 daughters who were all going on their first date at the same time.
The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun. The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.
He was met with a boy, who said: "Hi! My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next boy arrived: "My name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer felt that this one was okay too, so he sent them on their way.
The final date arrived, the farmer opened the door: "Hi, my name is Chuck".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman". The priest said "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. The priest said. "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box".
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you that's the same as putting it in!"
THONG SLIPS - DO THEY REALISE OR DO THEY NOT? THE ANSWER IS KEEP DOING IT!
A man goes into an antique shop in the city of London and spots this statue of a cat. He asks the owner "How much for the cat?"
"£100" he replies.
"Sold" says the man, pays his money and walks out the shop with the cat.
As he walks down the street he notices a cat that was hanging around outside the shop starts following him but thinks nothing of it. As he passes an alley a few doors down two more cats come out and begin to follow. By the time he's reached the corner there is a pack of 10 cats on his tail and he is getting a little nervous so he starts running.
As he runs down the hill more and more cats join the chase and at this point he is running for his life when he notices the Thames is at the end of the street. He runs up to the barrier by the side of river and leaps up grabbing hold of a lamp post. The pack of cats leaps up and all go flying into the river where they all drown.
Out of breath and in shock the man clambers down from the lamppost and makes his way back to the shop in a daze. The shopkeeper looks at him knowingly and says "I suppose you want your money back?"
To which he replies "No, but how much for that statue of the Arsenal fan in the corner?"
JUNE... more than just a pretty face/eyes/tits/arse/body/vagina
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" etc etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously annoyed by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"
My guess is that Eric no longer uses his cell phone in public.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Now gluten free.
-Next update will be next Thursday unless I die in which no more Thursday updates for a while/ever.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will EAT YOU. Ray is so fat that he thinks 'deep fried' is a food group.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do not talk over me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
