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SJW LOSERSPHD Throws In The Towel On SJW’s Because There Is No Reasoning With People This Stupid - Phat LatinaLatina Phat Ass Bikini Babe On The Street - Bella Puffy'sBella Thorne Puffy Nipples While Out For A Walk - XXX SithKleio Valentien Is Looking Red Hot As Darth Talon From The Star Wars: One Sith Xxx Parody! I’d Be Terrified But I’d Have Sex With A Sith If She Looked Like This. - Frisky TeenShe Can't Go 10 Minutes Without Pulling Those Winnebago's Out And Start Taunting Gravity. And We Love Her For It. - UnfknblvblAdriana Cernanova For GQ Portugal... She’s Fucking Great... And If You Don’t Believe Me – Just Look At Her Tits...!! - Painal :-pFirst Time Painal Ends In Tears For This Butt Hurt Amateur. - Gamer GFStick It Deep In This Redhead's Butthole And She's Yours For Life... As Long As You Let Her Play Call Of Duty While ou're Doing It. - Dick SuckerIf She Isn't Crying While Deepthroating Your Cock, Then She's Doing It Wrong - SLAM Her!Great Tits Girl Fucked On Table Nude BeachCompilation Of Topless Tits On The Beach - 1st AnalNot So Loud!!! Chicks First Time Trying Anal Didn't Go As Planned! - Going DeepThat Big Black Cock Is Too Much For This Petite Cutie. Well... Almost... - Porn BimbosThese Super-Hot Bimbos Are Virtually Crazed For Cock! No Wonder I've Been Watching Over And Over Again! - Nuts EmptiedA Superb Emptying! - Dirty TalkHow To Make A Sex Tape In Detroit. The Dialogue Is The Real Star Of This One. Just Listen! - The BodyElle Macpherson... Even At 52 Fucking Years Old (I Can't Believe It Either!) She Still Has A God Damn Banging Bod. - Triple TittyIf you’ve got a Total Recall fetish, this will get you very excited! If you DON'T have a Total Recall Fetish, This Will Get You Very Excited! - Katie ToeKatie Price Bikini Cameltoe At The Beach - Suck Shit!This Guy Made A Website And Accidentally Got The Ultimate Revenge Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity" said the shopkeeper. "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!" It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood" the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please" said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third. "Okay, let me get this straight" the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?" ORSM VIDEO
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a BLACK Superman!? Take this back and get me something else I can wear!" The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a BLACK Batman!? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4. The husband yells at the wife "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2x4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"
Previously on Orsm: Blondes #5 - Blondes #4 - Blondes #3 - Blondes #2 - Blondes #1 A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!" ORSM VIDEO
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there". The she asked "Did you dance much?" He replied "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
CLEAVAGE Previously on Orsm: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
ORSM VIDEOHALLOWEEN SURVIVAL TIPS-When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
ORSM VIDEOWant to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!! A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster... faster... BUMPBUMPBUMP. He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything... all he can find is a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin... Suddenly... the coffin stops.
PREGNANT Previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read... To: My Loving Wife P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here! RANDOM SHITE
OLDER SHITE: 20th October - 13th October - 6th October - 29th September - 22nd September - 15th September
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realised there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. Paralysed in terror, he watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised the guy is crying and isn't drunk. About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the wanker that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin". Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me..." he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat "Because I fucking didn't!" ORSM VIDEOWell... -Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Fuckloads of SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and sharpen your wit. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Butter QueenBlonde Girl Deepthroats Stick Of Butter, Swallows It In One Gulp - Flaps SlipCharlotte Dawson No Panties In See-Thru Skirt - Beach HottieBikini Babe Nici Dee Drops The Bikini In A Lifeguard Tower At The Beach And Goddamn Does She Look Good!! Perfect Body And Her Tits Are Looking Perky As Fuck. - Figure HuggingJessica Biel In Fetish Gear - Cringey!!Emmy Award Winning Porn Acting - Tasty TeenPetite Teen Destroyed By Two Monster Cocks. - Disgusting PigThere's No Limits To The Deviant Deeds This Psychotic Slut Will Perform, And Her Pussy Explodes Like A Bursting Water Main! - Mouth VaginaIf She Isn't Crying While Deepthroating Your Cock, Then She's Doing It Wrong - Hawt FacialGuy Splashes Cum All Over The Face Of This Cute Asian Teen Am I Normal?Nowadays, Asking The Creepy Janitor Guy About Dicks Is Considered Weird. But Back In The Day, He Was The Go To Guy For Good Penis Info. - BabaricHead Instead Of Ball - Inmates Play Soccer In Prison Yard - Seeya BroQuestionable Video Shows, What Appears To Be A Group Bullying A Single Man Before Throwing Him Dick-First Into A Passing Bus. - Dancer NipsMisty Copeland Is A Pretty, Amazing And Celebrated American Dancer Who Is Ripped, Fit And Flexible... And Also Famous On Instagram Which Is The Key To All Things In This World. - BJ ChampionIs There Such A Thing As A Cock Sucking Champion? There Is Now! - Free SexPetite Redlight Hooker Fucks A Tourist - Fuck MidgetsIf There's One Video You Must Watch Today... A Freaky Midget Getting Blown Has To Be The One! - Killer CleavThe Sexy Kara Del Toro Walked The Red Carpet For The Premiere Of American Pastoral! Sexy Dress That Pretty Much Looks Like Fancy Lingerie. Great Cleavage. - Fashion TitsBella Hadid Braless In See Through Dress For Fashion Week A little boy was in the bath with his mum. The boy said "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied "That is my sponge". "Oh yes" said the boy "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it". ORSM VIDEO
THIS IS NOTHING BUT TOILET HUMOURWhat I love about this exhaustive list of shits you can take is that we as a society felt the need to make one. So here it is... every type of shit you can possibly have/do/take... THE GHOST SHIT: You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl. THE TEFLON COATED SHIT: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it! THE PERFECT DUMP: Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it. THE GOOEY SHIT: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. THE BEER SHIT: Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised... THE SECOND THOUGHT SHIT: You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realise it... you've got some more. THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT: This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. THE EMPTY ROLL: Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "Where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every Empty Roll Dumper must face... pull up your pants, tighten your cheeks and shuffle to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks! THE BALI BELLY SHIT: You shit so much you lose 5 kilos. An Indonesian delicacy. THE RIGHT NOW SHIT: You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down. THE WHOLE ROLL CRAP: No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a half dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls - whatever it takes. THE KING KONG OR COMMODE CHOKER SHIT: This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. THE WISH SHIT: You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit! THE SPLASH BACK: This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and have toilet running water up your back. Tip: blot don't wipe. THE CEMENT BLOCK OR OH GOD SHIT: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit. THE SNAKE SHIT: This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. THE ENCORE: Ahhh, you're done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. THE FLOATER SHIT: Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house. THE BEER DRUNK SHIT: This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house. THE CHILLI DUMP (AKA THE JAPANESE FLAG): Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging your butthole and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag". THE FRIGHTENED TURTLE: The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in THE BUNGEE SHIT: The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water. THE CHILDBIRTH SHIT: This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies giving birth!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it. THE RING OF FIRE SHIT: The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. THE CRIPPLER: The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. THE CLING-ON TURD: You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors... THE BIG BOBBER TURD: The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface. THE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG SHIT: The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. THE MACHINE GUN POOP: Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16... damn commies. THE INCREDIBLE HULK SHIT: The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice its normal size. THE JACK THE RIPPER SHIT: The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out. THE SOUND EFFECT: You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Cough loudly in time with each release. THE PARTY POOPER: The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. THE TOXIC GAS SHIT: The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town. THE DIRTY BOWL SHIT: The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl. THE WINDY CITY SHIT: When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit. THE OH SHIT! SHIT: You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT! THE NEVER ENDING SHIT: It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken. THE OUCH THAT HURT SHIT: The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
Love Me Some Vagina: #1 - #2 - #3 - #4 - #5 - #6 - #7 - #8 There was once this guy who liked to travel from pub to pub across the countryside. One day, he came up to a pub he had never heard of. He went inside and sat at the bar. "What'll it be?" asked the bartender. "A beer thanks, but what's that jar?" he said pointing up to a jar on the top shelve. "Well, anyone who can drink it wins the collected prize money, which stands at around $80 right now" said the bartender. "What's in it?" the man asked. "Used to be a spittoon, everyone spat in the thing as a joke and now were looking for a brave man". The man looked around at all the people watching attentively "No that's a bit much for me I think". Then suddenly people from in the pub started betting money on it. "Come on! Give it a go!" said people from the bar. Before the man knew it the bet had gone up to $500! The bartender brought the jar down from its shelf. People by then were yelling and chanting for the guy to do it. Then with consideration "I'll drink it!" said the man. Screams of encouragement came from all around. He unscrewed the top of the jar and picked it up off the bar. Everyone in the pub fell silent. The man lifted it to his mouth and started drinking it. The sight was horrible! People everywhere were looking at him drinking all the phlegm and couldn't believe it. "Stop, its making me feel ill!" said one of the people in the bar. Then other people started yelling out, begging the man to stop, but he didn't! "Don't worry about the money, we'll give it all to you! Just stop drinking it!!" came from the audience of patrons. But he didn't stop! Finally, he had finished it, and dropped the jar onto the floor. People in the pub were vomiting and dizzy. One then came up to the man "Why didn't you stop!? I said we would give you the money!" The man, green in the face looked up and said "I couldn't... it was all one piece!" ORSM VIDEO
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!" The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too!" Then the redneck opened his lunch and said "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!" The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much". Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch".
ASIAN GIRLS: Gallery #1 - Gallery #2 - Gallery #3 - Gallery #4 - Gallery #5 - Gallery #6 - Gallery #7 Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
ORSM VIDEOA guy decides he wants to learn how to hunt. Needing a good hunting dog, he visits a farmer who has been advertising hounds in the newspaper. The farmer shows him several dogs, but the guy doesn't like them. Then he spots one hound that the farmer hasn't shown him. The guys asks "What about that one?" "Oh, no" the farmer replies. "That one's my special dog". "What's so special about him?" "Let me show you". The farmer leads the guy and the dog to a field, lifts up one of the dog's ears, and orders "Go find the birds!" The dog charges to a nearby bush, points and barks once. "That means there's one bird in that bush" says the farmer. "No way!" exclaims the guy. The farmer takes a stick and pokes the bush, and a huge pheasant flies out. To further convince the guy, the farmer again lifts the dog's ear and repeats "Go find the birds!" This time the dog streaks off to another bush, points, and barks twice. "That means there's two birds in there" says the farmer, taking his stick and poking at the bush. Two huge pheasants pop out and fly away. "I've gotta have that dog!" says the man. "Well, okay" replies the farmer. "But it's gonna cost you a bundle". The guy forks over the bucks and takes the dog. A month later, the farmer has to go to the city and decides to visit the guy who bought his prize hound. When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replies "A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the damnedest thing happened. I went up to the dog, lifted one of his ears, and said 'Go find the birds.' The dog took off like a bat outta hell and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy. Then he jumped on my leg and started humping it like I was a bitch in heat. After that, he grabbed a stick and started shaking it violently at me! I thought he'd gone nuts for sure, or maybe had rabies or something. So I shot the fucker". "You blithering idiot!" yelled the farmer. "He was just telling you that there's more fuckin' birds out there than you could shake a stick at!"
ORSM VIDEOWant to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!! A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called "Mister, what's your name!" The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her "No". The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now". Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said "There there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out". When they finally got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap". The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica" he began. The mother replied "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy". RANDOM SHITE
OLDER SHITE: 13th October - 6th October - 29th September - 22nd September - 15th September - 8th September
Relatives had gathered in the hospital waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves". The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain". The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used".
One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole!'' So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open up, you made your point, you're on top, just open up!'' The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...
GIRLS IN GLASSES - Gallery #1 - Gallery #2 - Gallery #3 - Gallery #4 - Gallery #5 - Gallery #6 ORSM VIDEOWell here we are again... -Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Fucloads of SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and lick the butter off. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains at a local university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well" he said "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation". Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!" The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start".
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The rancher says "Okay, but do not go in that field over there" as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me". Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge! Show him your BADGE!!" ORSM VIDEO
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro. When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip". When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing". She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards. The golf pro says to the woman "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... how are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
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ORSM VIDEOThe FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" He replies "Yes I do, sir". "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir". Interviewer continues "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir". The interviewer looks at the man "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her". The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" to which the guy replies "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
ORSM VIDEOWant to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!! An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it!!" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again "Would you let me bite your breasts -just once- for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm $10,000... okay just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there". So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them! The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah" says the little old man... "too expensive!"
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before its starts!" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start!" This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said "Quick, another beer before it starts!" "THAT'S IT!" She blows her top "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?" "The husband sighed "Oh shit... it's started..." RANDOM SHITE
One by one, all the senior members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the chairman's office until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other ten directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Ted, looked him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?" "Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied. "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt, anytime, anywhere" insisted Ted. "Good... then you fire her".
A couple decided to head to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said "Honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said "Honey my hands are cold again". She then said "Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife paused for a moment before replying "Probably the fucking funeral director would be my guess". ORSM VIDEOAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done. -Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and tongue my balls, baby. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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SO I'VE BEEN WONDERING...DO fish ever sneeze?
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock". He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee". He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock". She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black". ORSM VIDEO
John just graduated Clinical Psychology and opens a small office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds "Tonight's the night!!"
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ORSM VIDEO: GIRL POWER EDITIONIt was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plough went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plough she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plough stopped. The driver got out, came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snow plough driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plough when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
ORSM VIDEOWant to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!! While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope" replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says "Nope". "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No" said Jimmy. "I went into mum and dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me". Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch" Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet".
Little Arty went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name. When she got to Arty he said "My name is Arty but they call me 'Farty' and that pisses me off". Sensing some anger she said to Arty "This is kindergarten Arty, we don't talk like that". Then she went around and asked everyone their address. When she got to Arty he said "I live on Third Street but they call it 'Turd Street' and that really pisses me off". She said "Arty I want you to meet me after class at my desk". "Yes ma'am" Arty said. So he meets her at the desk. His teacher says "You seem like a smart little boy, can you tell me what this means?" and she pulls up her dress. He says "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too little and that really pisses me off". RANDOM SHITE
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and sure enough ends up in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows though its 3AM! "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a truck stop café and placed his order. He said "I want three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards". The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook "This guy out there just ordered three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards... what does he think this place is an auto parts store?" "No" the cook said. "Three flat tyres mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon!" "Oh okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of baked beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked "What are the beans for, blondie?" She replied "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tyres, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!"
ORSM VIDEOHe goes like dis... -Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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