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| orsmupdate 2010.10.28-21.44 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. We need a permanent revolution.
Probably the best thing about today was the realisation that, after this one, there're only eight more updates until Christmas. Christmas itself I don't really give a shit about however there is some awesomeness to look forward to including a U2 concert, possible down south trip, friends returning from overseas and of course a few big nights on the town including New Years. Not to mention summer will be in full flight by then so late December through to early Jan should be fucking magic. I haven't worked out how long I'll be able to finagle in terms of skipping updates [read: much required downtime] just yet but expect a couple of weeks...
Feeling a little on edge this week... and by little I mean a lot. The constant sound of electric saws, nail guns and swearing tradesman has been inescapable thanks to the townhouses being built directly behind here. I remember when construction started thinking 'wow they're moving pretty fast... this will be built in no time'. How wrong I was. Hopefully the main exterior stuff will be done within a few weeks and I can go on with my life because at this point it's wearing incredibly thin.
Okay moving on... let's carry on with today's theme [me] because I've mostly managed to avoid the news and of anything else I would usually draw upon to conjure something interesting enough to crap on about. And let's not forget it's my website so I can do pretty much what I like...
Anyway let's jump allll the way back to last Friday which kicked off a massively social weekend. After a gruelling exercise session, shopping and working I was talked into hitting the pub that night with friends. Destination: Brisbane Hotel which isn't such a bad place to spend some time, particularly if you appreciate some eye candy.
Up bright and early Saturday to once again punish myself with a walk and my now much loved/hated rowing machine. From there was the beginning of a little project I should have undertaken forever ago. Anyone reading me for a while may remember my little carport project which turned into a massive carport project. For whatever reason the design had one entire side completely open. Ultimately it succeeded in providing shade but sucked at stopping dust, and with the aforementioned construction going on it's infinitely worse. Basically the car would be dirty five minutes after a wash. Anyway I digress... Saturday's goal was to put up some patio awning material along the side which could be rolled up or down as needed. Not a foolproof solution but relatively effective. Honestly do not know why I didn't think of it five years ago... would have saved so much angst.
It was back out on the town that night. First to some trendy little restaurant I've driven past at least 67,000 times and never noticed [which turned out to be exceptional] and then to the satanic themed club I mentioned last week... also quite good. Lots of weirdly dressed people and an excessively gay guy that provided ample entertainment. Got home by 11 at which point another bunch of friends had arrived at the same club and proceeded to SMS bomb me for the next hour to go back. Far too tired, was never going to happen.
Arranged to meet friends early Sunday for a walk around the lake. "Will call you at 7.30" was my promise but absolutely wrecked from the day before I didn't wake up until 9. Ooops. Ended up skipping it altogether and went back to work on the carport thing which encompassed my third hardware store visit for the weekend. All I needed to do was find a way to stop the awning things from flapping around. It took 20 minutes of staring at the various fittings imaging up elaborate systems to solve the problem. Just when I finally had it a staff member idled by... I ask for advice and he points me to some masonry hooks and elastic. Lucky I asked... the 'restraints' I'd devised were going to cost me $90, his way was less than $20. It's still open to debate whose design was more ingenious though...
Was a few more hours to get that all finished, quickly segued into washing the car whilst catching up with a friend [multitasking FTW], jumped in the shower and off to pick up other friends. We ended up in the city having a coffee watching a procession of guys and girls adorned in lederhosen and dirndls heading to Oktoberfest. THOROUGHLY enjoyable... except maybe less so for them - have never in my life seen such a long line to get in anywhere. Literally 400-500 metres long. We headed to another pub after that for some girls birthday I didn't know... another classic example of how small this city is sometimes, knew half the people there for it and went to the same school as her. All up a fucking stellar weekend. As always, hopefully it's a taste of things to come.
Okay we better get on with the update. I'm not going to even bother trying to sell it. My work speaks for itself. Check it...
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It's Game Time - Nipple Chicks - Idiocracy - Nuns With Guns - Halloween Prank - Attract Women - Tasty Teens
Fucking Awesome - Horny Honeys - Insane Cleav - Finger Fucked - How To Bribe - Guitar-gasm - Sara Varone
'Fuck Me' Eyes - Bikini Contest - Hottest Hawaiians - GREAT Tits - Raining Shit - Playboy Model - Table Dance Fail
Paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a sports car. They see the driver screaming in pain and shout "Calm down sir, at least you haven't been flung out thru the windscreen like your girlfriend" The driver screams back "Have you seen what's in her mouth?"
--
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened!?" The pilot's reply "I don't know... I just got here myself!"
--
I spent some time by the wife's grave today. She doesn't know... she thinks I'm digging a pond.
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Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane... He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore between her legs with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awww shit!" he murmurs, "Fuzz!" "What did ya expect?" Phoebe says, "A perm?"
--
I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde gets out and yells at me "Ram me up the arse why don't you?" This, Your Honour, is where I believe all the confusion began..."
ORSM
VIDEO
WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-US. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-General Mac Arthur
"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-Infantry Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-Army Ordnance Manual
"Five second fuses last about three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
The three most useless things in aviation are: fuel in the bowser, runway behind you, and air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
-Naval Ops Manual
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Infantry Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him."
-Infantry Journal
"Yeah, though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 feet and climbing."
-Sign over SR71 Wing Ops
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-Unknown Author
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."
-Fixed Wing Pilot
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-Multi-Engine Training Manual
"Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club."
-Unknown Author
"If you hear me yell "Eject, Eject, Eject!" the last two will be echoes." If you stop to ask "Why?" you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot."
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies... but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies."
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
"Never trade luck for skill."
-Author Unknown
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: "Did you feel that?" "What's that noise?" and "Oh shit!"
-Authors Unknown
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-Basic Flight Training Manual
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
-Emergency Checklist
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
-Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
-Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
| AMY REID |
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Little Jimmy woke up one morning and it was his birthday. He quickly rushed downstairs expecting lots of presents and family waiting for him.
He ran into the living room to be greeted by his dad just sat on the couch. "You know what day it is today don't you dad?" Jimmy asked.
"Ummm... no...?" His dad replied. "It's my birthday!" Jimmy said. "Do you even know how old I am?" His dad thought for a moment and said, "No Son, I'm sorry." "I'm 12!" Jimmy shouted and then ran off into the kitchen angrily.
Once in the kitchen he slams the kitchen door and his grandad is sat at the kitchen table. "What's the matter Jimmy?" asked his grandad. "It's my birthday and dad didn't even know how old I was." "Oh" Said the grandad. "Well I bet you I have a way of knowing."
Grandad pulls Jimmy nearer and slowly puts his hands in Jimmy's pants. Slowly rubbing Jimmy's penis and testicles whilst licking his ear for a few moments.
"You're 12 aren't you Jimmy" said the grandad. "Oh my god, yes. How did you know!?" Jimmy asked in amazement. "I heard you tell your dad" grandad replied...
ORSM
VIDEO
This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder. As soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh. The man says "Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!"
The man making fun replies "I'd like to see that!!" "Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up. "That's nothing!! But there's more, now the spider will pick up a table." So the spider easily picks up the table.
The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it.
"Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but does indeed pick up the bar.
The men, finally a little impressed ask "What else can it do??" The man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with every one of us on it!!" thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40 guys on it. The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination.
Suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of wussies! Scared of a little spider!!"
| DRUNK GIRLS |
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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This aint so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave."Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave! Wake up you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!!"
| EVERYTHING'S GOOD... BUTTER FACE... |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can stick to an email and send my way. To make it happen all you must do is click here.
Rob wrote:
Subject: October 5 x Friday Saturday Sunday
This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays, all in 1 month. It happens once in 823 years. These are considered money bags months.
Your report on October having 5 Fridays, Saturdays,Sundays is totally correct, what most people don't understand is the fact that this occurs only once every 823 years for the month of October, if my memory serves me well October is not in July, March e.t.c. I hope this helps to set things straight. |
Duncan wrote:
Subject: Dennis Cockhead
Hi. Your audio file this week. I know Dennis Cockhead - family friends to this day. When I was growing up in a town called Westville (near Durban in South Africa) he was the Mayor. Nice chap - unfortunate surname.... |
Mike wrote:
Subject: "FORD" CEO's Car 10-21-10
That series of pics is actually from an ad in Robb Report magazine for a company that does custom and bulletproof SUVs and cars. |
Tim wrote:
Subject: Spinning Bullet Trick
Anyone who knows anything about firearms, and believes this video, has to be fascinated. I seriously have no reason to believe this is even possible. What was the model and caliber of the gun? The angle of the the rifling must be important. What was the ambient temperature of the ice? It looks cold. |
Tony wrote:
Subject: Most stupid and annoying video ever!
Makes me wanna hide that I'm from Denmark... How bad can a video on YouTube...
The voice matches the head... -Orsm |
Mr. Nad wrote:
Subject: Labiaectomy
Hi Orsm, Still loving your work. Tell 'Al G' who emailed asking if the girl in the pic need a labiaectomy (sic) to go fuck himself. Promoting the idea that girls should be mutilated for no reason isn't cool. I know you didn't say she should have one, but it pisses me off when dumb fucks think it's ok to criticise, what is at the end of the day, a perfectly normal vagina. Aside from that it was a fucking hot picture. Rant over. Much love and peace. P.S. The helicopter pic was faked. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: IDIOTS
HEY JUST TO LET YOU KNOW SOME DUDE IS FUCKKING WITH YOU. ATTACHED IS THE REAL PIC, THE GUY HAS JUST BLANKED OUT THE BOTTOM. RESPECT FOR A GREAT SITE AND PLEASE DONT PUBLISH MY DETAILS |
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Black Jester wrote:
Subject: Funny pic placement
Blah blah blah...Love your shit... Pic of funny ad placement. Not only does she have a man-ish face, but she's got the hands to go with it. Cheers.
Hah. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo from Home Shopping Magazine
Hey Mate, Found this in the shitty Home Shopping magazine that came in the Austar TV Guide for this month. I'm sure I've seen one of these elsewhere, albeit with a slightly different description... and the chick holding it looked to be having more fun.. But on the plus side the 9.5Inch model comes with Variable Speed!! |
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Kevin wrote:
Subject: My Contribution
Mr. Orsm, Big fan and regular reader of your site. Every week I look forward to the updates. I just got back from China and saw some interesting things: First, I saw this image on a tee shirt of Chairman Mao-bama, looks like the commies got him pegged!!! Second, I saw this photo of a real estate agent in Hong Kong, Wang Beibei. She can be my wang baby any time!! Keep up the good work |
Ben wrote:
Subject: Yahoo7 fuckup
Love the site, just thought I'd share something that caught my eye on yahoo.
I bet the attacker was happy about it... -Orsm |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Texting Thai Style
Hello darling I in village. Not in Pattaya. I wait for you xx
Multitasking at it's finest. -Orsm |
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Rich wrote:
Subject: Tricky instructions.
Hi Orsm, I've just bought a USB sharing device. Attached are the installation instructions.
I liked the bit about 'Wanting to Any a pedestal computer to use USb external equipments'. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A nice blister
My aunt scored this big blister while cooking some bacon grease gravy - yum! The whole family loves your site, greetings from SC, USA. Hide my details please.
Whoa... that'll be with me for a very long time to come. -Orsm |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Hidden for Half a Century: The 1940 Barn Dodge!
You have heard stories of barn finds before. Some sound incredible, some unbelievable.But here's one that might top 'em all. It's the true story of one 1940 Dodge Deluxe Sedan. |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: This Is So Cool And So Weird All At The Same Time.
I found it more effective if you sit back away from the monitor. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Greetings Orsm!
Hello Mr. Orsm, I'm a longtime reader first time contributor. I'd like to share with you some photos of the ex, who has ended up with some chump. Withhold my info please, and enjoy! Keep up the good work, mate. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: China Plans Huge Buses That Can DRIVE OVER Cars
Oh I just love it. Extreme Engineering!! China Plans Huge Buses That Can DRIVE OVER Cars. Hats Off for this. |
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sean dotcom wrote:
Subject: A True Duck Story from San Antonio, Texas
Something really cute happened in downtown San Antonio this week. Michael R. is an accounting clerk at Frost Bank and works there in a second story office. Several weeks ago, he watched a mother duck choose the concrete awning outside his window as the unlikely place to build a nest above the sidewalk. The mallard laid ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched over 10 feet in the air. She dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks, and Monday afternoon all of her ten ducklings hatched. |
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mike wrote:
Subject: Only at LSU..........
LSU football-the finest tailgating in the world! Only at LSU. Notice the priests vestments to the left in the picture above. |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Radiologists Pin-up calendar
can you do anything with this ? |
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Pictures are of pictures are of an injury I suffered last Summer. Was working in Ontario, Canada on a house when I cut my finger with the saw (picture attached). only 6 stitches in the big one, and 1 on the other finger. Doc couldnt do much because the meat had been ripped right out so he tried to pull it back together as best he could. Good enough for e-mail section? haha. No need to hide info |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Clone 1 fake movie trailer
Hi Mr Orsm, I sent you the man cuts off own arm last week and thought I would send you the attached fake action movie trailer I made. [Here is] the youtube link and the video is attached. Thanks.
Not too bad for an amateur effort. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Aciari-Parents
Hey ORSM, Another really random video from the Land tha Obama came from. The history is that these chics were called in for an Indian chic's (the skinny bitch) bridal shower, as sensual dancers, but somehow got too carried away with it all. methins they were on some incredibly hallucinogenous products. |
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The 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow."
ORSM
VIDEO
A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to apply to a hospital. The director of the hospital thought the woman was very bright and had a lot of potential. But the doctor wanted to ask her a few questions just to quiz her.
"Well," said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions before we make anything definite, ok?" "Of course," said the woman.
"Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the director
"That's easy," the woman said, "A Tonsillectomy." "Very good. Ok, What is the removal of your appendix called?" the director continued. "That would be an Appendectomy," the woman said confidentially.
"Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director asked. Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change operation was called. She sat staring at the wall for some time before the director began to get anxious. "Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.
Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said "Of course... an Addadictomy."
| PUMA SWEDE |
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Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mum said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."
| SAMMIE AND KAYLA |
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A man goes into an ice cream parlour and says, "I'd like two scoops of vanilla ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of vanilla."
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of vanilla ice cream." "You don't understand, Sir," the girl says. "We have no vanilla." "Then just give me some vanilla," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell CHOC, as in chocolate?"
The man says, "C-H-O-C." "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry." "OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell FUCK, as in vanilla." The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no fuck in vanilla." "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright that'll do. Felt like I was running behind all week yet somehow it all came together ahead of schedule. How that happens I'll never know. Welcome to the... Twilight Zone.
- Check out the site archives. They're not carbon neutral and they don't have a problem with that.
- Next update will be next Thursday. True story... read it on the internet so it must be.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kick you out of the band.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to be so negative all the time... it's really noticeable. I actually think you may have significant, undiagnosed mental health issues. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.10.21-21.31 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. It's not rocket surgery.
Hi. How are we all? Me... good except to say a little on the exhausted side of things. I'm in whatever the opposite of a rut is and trying to utilise every possible minute of every day. No reason for it, just magically compelled and motivated to do what could wait until later right this very minute, however in the process annoying myself beyond belief. Laundry for example - no reason it has to be washed and folded today when there's an adequate supply of clean socks and jocks yet it absolutely must be done this minute.
Another unexplained annoyance -and when is it not- is my wakeup time. Mentioned a few weeks back that the dog was bursting into my bedroom at the same time every morning acting as an unwanted alarm clock and thankfully that problem was sorted. However now, like fucking clockwork, 5:57am I'm up. Doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed or how tired I was it's a sure thing. FML.
Moving on... the weirdest thing I've seen all week was a very old woman at the grocery store buying several large packs of tampons. Would have thought nothing of it except she became incredibly uncomfortable when I lined up behind her. Okay maybe/probably weren't for her but now I'll always wonder what this woman of advancing years needed so many tampons for.
Okay enough with the analysing of senior citizen shopping habits. Let's move on to the activities and exploits of my life. Beginning with Saturday... kicked off the morning like always with a 45 minute saunter around the neighbourhood. Eventually making it back, unscathed by bird attacks, I decided to bite the bullet and get the rowing machine which has been a big source of delicious procrastination for a while now. That didn't take long, took home to assemble and then jumped on the computer for a few hours to catch up on some stuff and rid my desk of the paper mountain. Mid-afternoon seemed like a good a time as any to wash, polish and detail the car. That turned out to be a bad idea because the energy expelled put an end to heading out that night to some sixties, satanic themed bar as I crashed on the couch. Lame.
Sunday kicked off again as usual with a lap around the same lake we walk around every Sunday followed by some fun at the dogwash and then home to try out the new rower thing. The sales guy told me to start by doing 10 minutes... 3 minutes later, legs feeling like jelly, I was done. Dude, if you're reading, thank you [read: fuck you] for the fitness reality check...
Activities were then moved outdoors and focused upon garden control... aka spraying dozens of litres of chemicals around the place to kill various pests and weeds. Did manage to get a fair amount done until I nastily scraped my leg which brought the flies scurrying my way for a free feed of blood so -paranoia overdrive- ended things around the house fearing some sort of maggot infestation in my leg.
Oh what to do with half a Sunday to call my own...? CRUISE of course. First stop Scarborough which was one of the most popular beaches along the coast [until the local council ruined it anyway]. That said, the amount of bikini-clad hotties strutting around was a sight to behold. From there the cruise continued south to Cottesloe and Fremantle... same as it always does and always the perfect way to finish a weekend.
Alright that'll do with the two-hours-to-write blog which no one reads. Let's get moving with the update... an update so awesome and jam-packed that you'll definitely tear your dick off surfing through. Check it...
If you've been reading my site for any
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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, lobster, champagne etc. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied "But my mother isn't expecting a blow job tonight either!" I said "Enjoy..."
--
While watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver". I thought, "What a fucking great idea! Why don't we have them in our country!?"
--
Garry Glitter is moving to Chile. He says it's the only place you can slide a minor up and down, and have an audience cheer you on at the same time...
--
The second-grade class had gone to lunch and the restroom and returned to class. The teacher did not see Johnnie. She asked "Where's Johnnie?" One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom lying on the floor." She asked, "Why is he doing that?" The child said, "I don't know. He's been like that since he stuck the scissors in the light socket."
--
A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!" Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"
ORSM
VIDEO
CRAZY AND STUPID LAWS
-In Bozeman, Montana, a law prohibits all sexual activity from the front yard of a home after sundown.
-In Salt Lake County, Utah, it's illegal to walk down the street carrying a violin in a paper bag.
-In San Francisco, it's illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
-In Devon, Texas, it is against the law to make furniture while you are nude.
-In Oklahoma, you can be arrested for making ugly faces at a dog.
-In California it is illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour.
-In Florida men seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown can be fined.
-In South Carolina it is legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
-In Tennessee, you are breaking the law if you drive while sleeping…
-In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is: Death.
-In Danville, Pennsylvania, all fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
-In Pennsylvania, it's against the law to tie a dollar bill on a string on the ground and pull it away when someone tries to pick it up.
-In New York City, it's illegal for a restaurant to call a sandwich a "corned beef sandwich" if it's made with white bread and mayonnaise.
-In California it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
-In France, it is against the law to sell an "E.T" doll. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces.
-In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be taken away if the driver is thought to be either poorly dressed or unbathed.
-In Calgary Alberta, there is still a by-law that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
-In Wilbur, Washington, it is illegal to ride an ugly horse.
-In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth is considered simple assault, but biting someone with your dentures is aggravated assault.
-In the state of Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances.
-In Switzerland, it is illegal for a man to relieve himself while standing up after 10pm
-In Florida, it is illegal to fart in a public place after 6pm on Thursdays.
-In Massachusetts, it is illegal to go to bed without first having a bath.
-In Jidda, Saudi Arabia, women were banned from using hotel swimming pools in 1979.
-In Samoa, it's a crime to forget your own wife's birthday.
-In California it is illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour.
-In Florida men seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown can be fined.
-In England, the head of any dead whale found on the coast of Britain is legally the property of the King. On the other hand, the tail belongs to the Queen.
-In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.
-In Florida, an elephant tied to a parking meter must pay the regular parking fee.
-In Belvedere, USA, No dog shall appear in public without its master on a leash.
-Under the UK's Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don't want him to know, though you don't have to tell him anything you don't mind him knowing.
-In Oklahoma, if dogs wish to congregate in groups of three or more on a private property, they need to obtain a permit which must be signed by the Mayor.
-In Idaho, it is illegal for a man to present a box of chocolates to his girlfriend if it weighs anything less than 50 pounds.
-In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
-In Los Angeles, while committing a bank robbery, it is illegal to shoot the teller with a water pistol.
-In Blythe, California, a person must own at least two cows before he can be permitted to wear cowboy boots in public.
-In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
-In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
-In Israel, if you have been maintaining an illegal radio station for five or more years, the station becomes legal.
-In Denmark, before starting the car, the driver is required to check lights, brakes, steering and honk the horn. He also needs to make a visual check to make sure there are no children underneath the car.
-In Australia, it is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.
-In England, it is illegal for a male to urinate in public. It is allowed only if the person aims for the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle at all the time.
-In York, England, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow, except on Sundays.
-In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.
-In Canada, if you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.
-In England, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself absolutely anywhere she wants, even, if she so requests, in a policeman's helmet.
-In Kentucky, no female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.
-In Nebraska, USA, a motorist approaching a horse at night must send up warning red rockets and Roman candles, throw a scenic tarpaulin over his car to conceal it from the horse, and take his machine apart and hide the parts in the grass if the tarpaulin doesn't soothe the horse.
-In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself. A man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists if the vehicle is going over 5 mph.
-In Texas, when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
-In Washington, it is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police that he is entering the city.
-In Kansas, state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.
-In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
-In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.
-In the city of London, it is illegal for a cab to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
| ERIN NICOLE |
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|
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud 'thud' and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. "I'll give you a lift." The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud 'thud'. Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer." The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
ORSM
VIDEO
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me!"
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
| EVERYBODY DOES IT: MASTURBATION |
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|
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
| GIVE ME PIZZA! |
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|
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READER MAIL
The mail bag has been brimming over with
some awesome submissions this week although not as busy as it could be. I'm assuming this is because all
you bastards in the northern hemisphere are outside
lapping up the remnants of summer instead of sitting at
the computer filling my inbox with stuff and generally keeping me amused. What's
wrong with you people? Don't you know it's all about ME? Anyway, if you have something cool, interesting
or completely random that you think would fit well on the site you
can drop me a line here.
Rob wrote:
Subject: Horse Rider
I have just watched the vid of the girl riding the horse. Granted she is a very accomplished rider but any competent rider should be able to keep their butt in contact with the horse (yes I used to ride and yes I could do that). If you look closely at her feet you will notice she is using a vicious pair of spurs. Of course a horse will do as it is told when you jab it in the rib with a razor sharp spiked wheel! When I used to ride, I could get the horse to do exactly as I wanted using only pressure from my calves and heels. Riding should be done with love and kindness not with cruelty!!!!! I was not impressed. |
Sim wrote:
Subject: Every 823 years?
"This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays, all in 1 month. It happens once in 823 years. These are considered money bags months."
If 5 Fri-Sun happens every 823 years and is happening now, what is up with July 2011. Guess someone at the calendar company fucked up!
Lots of emails about this... knew I should have checked it. -Orsm |
J wrote:
Subject: more funny pics
Photo of notice that was put on the front door of the Ed Hardy store on Chapel Street in Melbourne after the receivers locked the doors!
Sounds like someone wasn't impressed... -Orsm |
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: RE: Gold Digging Slut From Onslow, WA
Gday Orsm, Just had to comment on this blokes submission. She may be a gold digging slut, but if he's correct and she's infected with herpes, he runs a real risk of infecting his finger with herpes. Please see attached some images I conveniently liberated from the Googlenets. I hope he enjoys his potential Herpetic Whitlow. |
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Phil wrote:
Subject: Aircraft Quiz
G'day Orsm, Thought this was worthy of your fantastic site, if you haven't seen it already, keep up the good work. This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. The answer may surprise you. "What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?" I got it wrong, too! |
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Berthod wrote:
Subject: Emailing
wtf ?
One party you definitely don't want an invite to. -Orsm
|
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Toonfletch wrote:
Subject: Random sh*te item
Hey there, been a fan for years and finally had something to send you. Here is a Royal Mail Van that reversed too far and beached himself on the steps near where I work. Keep up the good work!!. Cheers. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Must see Canadian Congress Picture
Should we buy them larger screen computers - or - a ticket home, permanently? This is one of their THREE DAY WORK WEEKS that we all pay for. I am ready to start from the beginning by voting out all elected officials and not letting any of them stay in office for more than two terms. No more lifelong healthcare, retirement, voting in their own pay raises, taking perks on our taxes, etc. |
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justin wrote:
Subject: RACE 3 Horse 11 and 12
What's the odds of this happening? Attached is the form guide from Tuesday's Melbourne Herald-Sun. Check out Race 3 - Horses 11 and 12. |
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Calvin wrote:
Subject: Check your spelling pussy tatoo
You entertain me a lot. I found this before I knew your page on the site of a German newspaper. The topic was sexy tatoos, so I don't believe it is photoshoped. |
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Doug wrote:
Subject: Note to Self....
"Must not look at her ass" |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: A record for car ownership! HOW LONG HAVE YOU OWNED YOUR CAR FROM NEW?
Mr. Allen Swift received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Picadilly P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928. He drove it up until his death last year..... at the age of 102!!! He was the oldest living owner of a car from new. Just thought you'd like to see it. He donated it to a Springfield museum after his death. It has 170,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition. (82 years) That's approximately 2000 miles per year... |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Ooohhh
The center 'lady' used to be a SWAT team guy. :(
SWAT or not, I'd be terrified to see that thing come through my door. -Orsm |
 |
Al G wrote:
Subject: For all ORSM addicts
Ok.. Ok.... you wanted more e-mails..... here's one you can do with what-ever you want with. Think she needs a labia-ectomy? KEEP IT UP!
Flaps much? -Orsm |
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andy wrote:
Subject: kevin bloody wilson tattoo
Hey mate love the site. saw this on facebook and thought u could it random shit! |
 |
David wrote:
Subject: Oktoberfest at the Duckstein
A little eye candy from the Oktoberfest in Swan Valley on Saturday, in the words of my brother, there were miles and miles of vertical smiles. some more photogenic than others. Oktoberfest at the Duckstein – entry ticket $15.00, ½ stein of beer $12.00, costume hire $50.00 miles and miles of vertical smiles... priceless. Cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Broken Leg
Hey bud, Broke my leg at football training for a charity game... spent 9 days in hospital in Mt Isa waiting for trasnfer to Townsville for surgery... was released the other day and still in a fair bit of pain. Feel free to use in Random Shit or email section. Withold info please (was a "work sponsored game"). |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: 1050 Horsepower In The Hands Of A Moron
Check out this 37' 2010 Contender that "ran aground". Boat was only 6 hours old. Operator claimed he was doing 28 knots. Both people on board were 100% sober. Cost him $10,000 to have Tow Boat US pull him back to the water. 4 tow lines parted in the process. MSRP on the boat ranges from $300,000 to $400,000 depending on options." |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: "FORD" CEO's Car
You want to be driven in style? "Ford" CEO's Car |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: HOW THE WORLD EATS EACH WEEK
Scope out not only what is eaten, but how many are being fed...
This just made me hungry. -Orsm |
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Gidge wrote:
Subject: An Indian Wife
Just some pics of an Indian woman I've been shagging for a while even though she's married. Thought you might like her. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: van
just a normal van right. wrong.. look again |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Old immigrants...
Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf pictures
please hide details but here is a chick i was with for a yr and she decieded to cheat on me with some guy that told her she looked beautiful and then left her as soon as she broke it off with me. Wanna talk about a slut thats one for you! Have fun with the pictures :) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: video
Cheers orsm - hide details
Good girl WANTS to please. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Cool Vid I did
Hi Mr Orsm, I have a video for you I did of me cutting my arm off (see attached). I have also included the youtube link as well below.
Ouch. I hope they could sew it back on. -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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|
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?" "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... ees... ees... aes a ham bush...!"
ORSM
VIDEO
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed but somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer, whatever. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
| MEMPHIS MONROE GETS BANGED HARD |
 |
|
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JAILS AND NURSING HOMES
Here's the way it should be - let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. This would correct two things in one motion:
-Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
-They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
-They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
-They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
-Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
-A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
-All meals and snacks would be brought to them
-They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
-They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counselling, a pool and education... and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognised entertainment artists.
-Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
-There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
-Each senior would have a PC, TV, phone and radio in their room at no cost.
-They would receive daily phone calls.
-There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
-The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
-They would receive cold food.
-They would be left alone and unsupervised.
-They would receive showers once a week.
-They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
-They would have no hope of ever getting out.
| SAMANTHA RYAN |
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|
Fred and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's parent's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school!"
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think." He says "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue."
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright campers that's all I'm good for. Hopefully you've enjoyed the ride. If not there's always this:
- Check out the site archives. They showcase every single update dating back more than 10 years, hundreds of thousands of images, plenty of porn, more videos than you can possibly watch and possibly the biggest joke archive on the internets and it is all 100% fucking FREE!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Because I assume you'll definitely be back yes...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will continually bring up that scene from I Am Legend where Will Smith has to kill his dog despite knowing how much it upsets you, deliberately to upset you. Why? Because Ray is a dick.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep it real. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2010.10.14-21.27 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. You're so fat that your belt has an animated flashing sign that says GOODYEAR.
Wow what a boring week... unless you're a Chilean miner but as I'm neither Chilean nor a miner, things have been overwhelmingly uneventful.
God knows why but my dreams have been incredibly vivid lately and what's even odder is remembering them when I wake up. Really must read up on dream interpretation because I'm sure there are some important messages nested within. One night had me urging loved ones to make sure I'm buried with my sunglasses. The next night had everything from scams to international travel to cops who'd followed me to India to bust me for calling a mate gay. The cop then went on to get completely off his tits on ecstasy that a college student had forced into my hand. Great stuff.
It occurred to me the other day that I continually get asked the same questions over and over. Not so much by you guys [aside from the 'why don't your videos work on iPhone?'], but by friends and family clearly pursuing some agenda to see how long it will take before I snap. Still not quite there yet but rest assured they're doing a GREAT job. So with this in mind I give you Four Things That I'm Sick of Being Asked:
1. When are you going to get a bigger TV? Five or six years ago I got a 42in plasma. At the time it was kind of a big deal because everyone was still flogging the old CRT style however since then the world has progressed to 50in and above but to answer the question - because I don't want a bigger fucking TV.
2. Do you know the dog is limping? Yes.
3. Can you do something for me? Sure. I have absolutely nothing else to do and there's nothing I'd rather be doing...!
4. When are you going to finish the kitchen? Admittedly it's embarrassing how the kitchen renovation halted at an unfinished [yet functional] stage but in my defense question 3 comes into play time and again and there are only so many hours in a year. That said, we're getting to [read: well past] the point where it would just be wiser to hire a tradesman and be done with it but as with most things I'm capable of doing myself, I can't bare to part with the money.
The best part is I could go buy a bigger TV, get a new dog, finish the kitchen and spend my life in servitude but all that would achieve is a bunch of new questions. That actually brings me to Saturday... a day in which family all needed something...
I spent the first half of the day sitting at the computer doing stuff. Honestly even if it kills me I will get the insane amount of crap collected over ten years sorted, organised or deleted. I left that early afternoon to give my sis a ride into the city then zipped past one parents place to fix two computers and collect another which required setup. From there it was home to work on that computer before my other parent just casually dropped past with a carload of stuff that needed repair and/or assembly. See what I was saying about servitude? Matter of fact I made a joke at one point about quitting my day job and devoting myself fulltime to only serving them. Didn't go down to well...
Sunday. After busting a vigorous lap around the lake and dodging the rain first thing in the AM I came back home to finish off the multitude of tasks lumped upon me the day before. By the time it hit 2-ish I was desperate to escape so did what must be done every Sunday and took a cruise down the coast to Fremantle for a juice. Incidentally very cool to see a few of the 501st dressed up collecting money for charity. It was about then that the rain started again, a mass exodus followed and the roads were clogged with people who cannot drive... and by that I don't mean anyone in particular. Perth drivers should be fucking ashamed of how badly, selfishly and arrogantly they take to the roads. That's potentially a good idea to entice tourists - we should be running ads all over the world showing clips of Perth drivers. People would flock here to see for themselves.
Anyway I digress... after finally making it on to a clear stretch and angrily accelerating to 80kmh [in a 60kmh zone] I look up to notice the distinctive high-visibility vest of a radar cop. Nail the breaks and roll past him receiving nothing more than a finger shake. Good to see not all cops are dicks.
Alright let's dispense with the public personal journal and get a move on with today's update. I could probably spend a while talking it up but just scroll down and see for yourselves. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
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the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
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If you've been reading my site for any
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Now We Play - Amateur Babes - Bumblebee's Crash - LOL Dikshit!? - Jenn Sterger - Fun With Females - Hot Lapdance
Tight Chicks - Tits Are Wonderful - Pizza Guy Pranked - Vegas Baby! - Kardashian - Holy Boobies! - Kristen Bell
Hack The News - Hawt Gurls - Nasty Fight - Man-iplulate - Miranda Kerr - Snatch & Grab - Miley Hotness - WTF Porn
This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays, all in 1 month. It happens once in 823 years. These are considered money bags months.
--
TOP TIP: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck - I appear in court next Monday.
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The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of tourists.
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Man said to his wife "All right you sexy thing, upstairs now!" She looked at him and said "Ooh you kinky bastard." He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now fuck off!"
--
It's emerged that those poor Chilean miners weren't being paid while they were stuck in the mine. So I'm now not sure who has screwed more miners. The Chilean Government or the Catholic Church?
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims, "and she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!"
| JAIME GETS ME ALL EXCITED |
 |
|
There's a rumour about that Porirua NZ is planning a bid for the 2020 Olympics. The organisers of Porirua City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY: The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Titahi Bay area), wearing the traditional tea cosy. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS: In previous Olympic games, Porirua competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.).
SHOOTING: A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas style wages delivery man.
BOXING: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Brown while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS: Competitors will be asked to break into the Mana College bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
MODERN PENTATHLON: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
SWIMMING: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over Paremata. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
MENS 50KM WALK: Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Cannons Creek.
GYMNASTICS: Will now be held in Taylor Prestons meat works, and will include carcass vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.
RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica/Tupac.
RELAY: Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house in Tawa and getting back to Waitangirua using at least four stolen cars.
DISCUS: Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and throw it to his mate the fastest.
ORSM
VIDEO
FOR THOSE WHO LIKE TO PLAY WITH THEIR WORDS
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away...
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis...
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
| SEX |
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|
An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel. With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures...
"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered "Baaaaaaaa" and rejoined the flock.
| MOVING BIG THINGS |
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|
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".
RANDOM SHITE
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READER MAIL
Bit of a quieter week on the email front although it hasn't thinned out what you'll find below. Don't ask me how that works, I don't get it either. So that said I need you guys to man up and bombard me like a Japanese girl in a bukkake scene. High on the want list is everything. Nothing more, nothing less - just everything. Basically just open up your email, attach something, write something and send it to webmaster@orsm.net. If you need some help working that out then scroll down and see what some cool people have been contributing. Check it...
<with held> wrote:
Subject: from bavaria with love - for orsm
Hi Mr. Orsm, I'm a girl from Bavaria and have been a great fan of your site for nearly ten years. You introduced me to that dirty kind of fun, thank you very much (so says my husband!). For the first time I have something for you. So, i heard you like... lesbian erotica written by girls ;-) As you requested more, I'll have a try. [continues]
More lesbian erotica FTW. -Orsm |
Andrew wrote:
Subject: This is already going viral, over 2000 hits on my tiny website in two days...............
Hello Orsm, the usual thanks for what you do. I received a letter on Monday from an anti mountain biking activist and not knowing who he was I responded accordingly. As it turns out I am now the new mountain biking hero with this blog going viral - maybe you can help. We live in BC, Canada. This is the link to the blog page on my site.
... proving that some people have too much fucking time on their hands. -Orsm |
Roger wrote:
Subject: Repression in Iran - PowerPoint presentation.
You showed a very shocking PowerPoint presentation. The presentation shows some truly horrific scenes that we would not like to be repeated in the Western world. Indeed whenever I see someone railing against the west and praising the finer qualities of Islam I often wonder why, certainly the Mullahs that promote the fundamental ideals of Islam usually appear to possess little education above what would be expected in a small village in Pakistan or Afghanistan. For those of us with a western background it is very difficult to understand what the attraction is and why Islam is supported so blindly.
However, if you care to take a look at the Properties of the PowerPoint file you will see that its templates originate in Israel, a country that evolved from terrorist groups' activity, a country that ignores human rights, ignores the concerns of other countries, steals the land and property of the State of Palestine and uses the same methods that were used in the Third Reich, they are a state that I am not at all happy about having nuclear weapons and deep down are in fact the cause of all the upset in the Middle East. Only an idiot would support a fundamentalist Islamic state or even a state that practices Sharia law, but please be aware that Israel isn't exactly the perfect society... |
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Mr Orsm, Attached are a couple of pics of a wardrobe that was put out on our street (Darlinghurst) and the sign attached. It only lasted about 2 hours. Use or abuse as you see fit. No details please.
What'd the poor wardrobe do to anyone...? -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wig
How to wash an Asian wig. Withhold details please bloke
I'm starting Engrish is concocted deliberately to increase sales... -Orsm |
 |
Ted wrote:
Subject: Phallicus Cactii
Photo of a cactus in my friend's yard.
Phallic... -Orsm |
 |
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Arizona Motorcycle Seat
Arizona Motorcycle SeatYou don't need a permit to carry firearms (open or concealed) in Arizona (the only other States are Alaska and Vermont). How's this for a very cool motorcycle seat ! |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: newbie nudes
Found this pix on newbie nudes. WTF
Nothing says sexy like a tampon string. -Orsm |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: More funky Engrish
Hey. I dont know if Ive sent this to you before. Sue me if I have.
Sounds simply mouth-watering. -Orsm |
 |
Vee wrote:
Subject: Meinkamffe latte
Is it just me or do these coffee carriers look a lil like Hitler when unfolded? Cheers |
Ken wrote:
Subject: OW!
Hi Orsm. Took the attached pic outside my brother's house. Did they run out of paint or
gave up? Who knows! |
 |
sean wrote:
Subject: Plastic Bottle Caps
Wow, what a fantastic idea, & no need to grapple with rubber bands that are tied too tightly. How to seal a bag and make it air-tight! Cut up a disposable water bottle and keep the neck and top, as in photo. Insert the plastic bag through the neck and screw the top – to seal. The bottle is made to be air-tight, such that water will not leak, the secret lies with the top and screw! |
Berthod wrote:
Subject: Emailing
invisible dick |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Accident up Timberlands Road I believe, apparently he fell asleep but is OK
Ooops. -Orsm |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: My girlfriend taking it like a champ!
Dear Orsm, Long time viewer, first time contributor. These pics are of my girlfriend and I having some fun! There will be more on the way!! Thanks for the great site and keep up the good work. |
 |
Vinson wrote:
Subject: Emailing
from the toilet wall in Thailand
What ever happened to defacing a toilet stall with a black marker...? -Orsm
|
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex
Hi orsm more some more pics of this herpes infected gold digging slut from Onslow in WA will send in some more soon. Hide the infom thanks mate |
 |
Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Pipeline Rupture
Now this is a pipeline failure!!!! This is from Dalian - China a couple of weeks ago. Doesn't get the same attention or press as BP as it's a little difficult to sue CNPC. Anyhow the pictures are incredible (especially the last 3). |
 |
mike wrote:
Subject: girls self pics
here are some pics i hope you enjoy hide my info please |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: A baby horse on momma's lap
Some pictures just don't need captions. There is nothing like Mom's lap no matter who you are. This is precious!!!! This is a newborn offspring of Taskin, a Gypsy Stallion owned by Villa Vanners of Oregon. These pictures were taken immediately after his birth on April 6. The mare laid down, and then he trotted around and crawled right up into her lap. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics.
Enjoying a beautiful day at the Beach with the misses, Withhold Details. Enjoy ;)
She's insanely hot and I demand more. -Orsm |
 |
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: More Beauty buddy Pics
Hey there, I thought you might enjoy these additional pics and vids from my current... buddy, as seen last week. Withhold details, thanks.
Spec-fucking-tacular. -Orsm |
Terry wrote:
Subject: The Horse Whisperer = Amazing.
This girl riding the horse is in her 20's - her dad just died 24 days
before this performance. You can hear her dedication to him just before her performance so turn up your speakers a bit. Notice that it is just her and the horse - no bit, no saddle. She just uses signals and verbal cues, she's mute. Oh yeah, this isn't even her horse. She is training it for someone else, although she obviously has a relationship with this one. I don't know how much you know about horseback riding, but when they go fast, her butt isn't even bouncing off the horse like you will see with most horseback riders. Don't know how she did that, but prepare to be amazed... and touched. |
ORSM
VIDEO
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular, tanned etc.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says "I don't know about you but I stepped on a Duck".
| MICAH MOORE SUDS UP |
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|
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RANDOM SHITE
Pretty much just because AGAIN. Check it...
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks "What happened?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" The Doctor says "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"
| CARLI BANKS |
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A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?"
"It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water!"
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once... "I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that was fun don'cha think? Make sure you come back next week so we can do it all again but in the mean time read this...
- Check out the site archives. They are sicker than aids.
- Next update will be next between Wednesday and Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will drop you in a big fucking hole somewhere in Chile. That's what happened the last time a bunch of guys didn't tell anyone about Orsm...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to be so childish... people are looking. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.10.07-22.19 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. I like dick jokes.
Ah Thursday. How have you returned to me so soon? Continuing a long spate of blink and you miss it weeks, here we are again. That isn't to imply it's been a shitty last seven days... quite the opposite but I just wish they'd passed slower. Speaking of which I am fucking loving how long the days are already. Even though the backward thinking, retarded majority voted daylight saving down last year because they were worried about their curtains fading and the fact that cows don't wear watches, it's nice to have the extra time in the day. I can't possibly say 'bring on summer' again so I'll just think it...
Talk about your expensive weeks though. A large vet bill [when are they not?], a large mechanics bill [when are they not?] and a largER hosting bill thanks to the extra fat updates posted throughout September. Always a sight to behold watching the Orsm web servers get absolutely obliterated every Thursday and Friday but last month was some next level shit. That'll teach me...
My biggest gripe currently is yet another case of how massively over governed we are. You guys have heard me crap on about the internet filter amongst other things but the next bright idea by our lawmakers is a 'lock out' which will apply to any venue that serves alcohol. Essentially if the law is passed it will mean after a certain time patrons will be not allowed to enter a pub, club or restaurant. The place may not close for a few hours after the lock out time but that's just too bad. If you're inside and need to duck out for a minute then that's too bad also. Add this to the loooong list of shit you can't already do such as smoke in pubs etc, buy alcohol if you're drunk, even bring a dog into an alfresco area and eventually we'll find ourselves basking in a dystopian society. Western Australia - the nanny state.
I can't really think of a good reason why we need this. If the idea is to stop people fighting, getting glassed, getting drunk or acting stupidly you would have to argue that stuff is going to happen regardless. Again the actions of few impact the majority. Ridiculous. If you want to read more on why this thing is just plain dumb click here, sign the petition and spread the word.
Moving on... jump back to Saturday which was the much anticipated AFL Grand Final rematch. After zipping into the city for a very strong coffee or three I landed at my parents place with family and extended family to sit down, talk shit and generally slag off Collingwood. I bailed there at halftime to meet some friends at a pub. The place was busy although apparently 'only half as feral' as the week prior. Funnily enough I used to live within earshot of that place and never dared go there. Vindication ladies and gentlemen... it's what I'm all about. Anyway the GF replay [in case you missed it...] was an entirely one-sided affair with basically everyone in the place totally disgusted with Collingwood beating the Saints and claiming the flag. If there was one positive, the result cemented me as winner of footy tipping and I've been lauding this over my fellow tipsters since.
Sunday started by again being called upon to supply muscle but before that managed to squeeze in some exercise around my old stomping ground. We used to go down to 'the swamp' almost every day as little kids and I remember running countless laps around there well into my teens for football training so kind of cool to go back again. From there was a bout of manual labour at the parents place and back home to do crap around my own house. Actually thinking about this is depressing because instead of filling my Sunday with enjoyable recreational activities I instead spent the whole day servicing and repairing the reticulation, sweeping, pruning, spraying the rose bushes with white oil to kill aphids, repairing various things and then fertilising the lawn. Being grownup is gay.
Okay that will probably do with the conceited banter. Now would be a good time to get on with this weeks update. Things now return to normal after well and truly punishing myself to make things bigger and better but rest assured we're still busily working to add a bunch of new features to the site. In the meantime however sit back, relax and enjoy what's below. Satisfaction or your money back. Check it...
If you've been reading my site for any
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so... it's because Newbie
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There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
It's Game On - Horny Drunk Chicks - This Is Great - Still Hotttt - Girl Fucks Guitar - Exploding Rotor - Caught Naked
I Want Nudity - Small Is Beautiful - Adele Silva - Fucking PWND - Sage Advice - Miranda Kerr - Owww Vanessa
Sexy & Funny - Sex Behaviour - Boob Trick - Cop A Feel - Helloooo Cleav - Hit Me! - THAT Bikini - Dumbass
Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?" Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you're a cunt too"
--
A black baby was given a pair of wings by God. He asks "God does this mean that I am an angel? God laughs 'of course not you silly black cunt. You're a fly!
--
Friendly advice: Please take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.
--
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.
--
I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!
ORSM
VIDEO
COMPLAINTS TO COUNCILS IN BRITAIN
For some, the art of letter writing is a skill never mastered. The following are extracts from various complaints and requests made by tenants who fall into that category...
- It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
- I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
- My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
- I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
- Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
- I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
- This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
- He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
| ZEINA HEART |
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An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.
Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching...
Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.
As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
ORSM
VIDEO
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW doing 75mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. BLOODY women drivers!!
| I LOVE BIG TITS |
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A group of friends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
| MINING MISHAPS |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
Erin wrote:
Subject: Fun with friends
Hey Orsm, big fan of the site. The jokes are probably my favorite part. I know you don't have a section for stories on your site, but i thought i might send something in anyway. Let me know if you want any more; I have a few I've already written. [continues]
Lesbian erotica written by a girl. This is a win for mankind. More please! -Orsm |
Jim wrote:
Subject: chat with eBay "customer service"
thought people might like reading this, eBay offers ZERO phone support just a chat window with their incredibly inept robots, think the qorld should see what goes on, love the site and no details of course. fyi, this is the transcript from yet another discussion with eBay, they are as bad as paypal, everyone wants to protect me, it is unbelieveable. [continues] |
Jeff wrote:
Subject: For your Aussie visitors
Mr. Orsm, Found this link & Youtube vid on Lifehacker.com, and I thought you and your
Aussie visitors might enjoy it.
Good advice for when the internet [censorship] filter is implemented. All Aussies should bookmark this. -Orsm |
Rushen wrote:
Subject: bollywood movie subtitle FAIL!
Hi Mr ORSM. The other day we were at my grandma's 78th birthday party, and someone decided to put on a pirate copy of a Bollywood movie called "3 idiots". Now being a pirate copy, the sound and picture quality was sorely lacking, and the subtitles had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on on screen. The most unfortunate subtitle gaff was captured by my sister, and as you can see, resulted in a dramatic scene turning into a hilarious moment of unintended comedy! |
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George wrote:
Subject: pics
HSE awareness Trinidad style
The dreads would probably protect him anyway. -Orsm |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Grand final party
Our "bar tender" for the grand final party. Good sport. ;-)
"Show us your vaj!" "Yeah whatevs..." -Orsm |
h.d wrote:
Subject: eye
here u got my fucking zit on my eye for ur random shit ;)
Too fucking gross. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Dear Mr. Orsm, Hello from Canada. Been a long time reader and I finally have some shite to contribute. First of all, the story about the man insuring his cigars in your last update is not actually a true story, it is a song by Brad Paisley, called the Cigar Song. good song worth checking out. (and on another note, I work in insurance, and none of this story would or could EVER happen). Secondly, A few weeks ago I was reading a story that you linked to about mercy killings, and found quite the bad placement of one of those infolinks ads. Gotta admit... It gave me quite the chuckle. |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Living in the modern muslim world
Here is a picture showing what happens when you sell food in the middle of
Ramadan in Aaceh, Indoensia, what a wonderful suystem to live under. |
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Kirum wrote:
Subject: Knob Cleaner
Clean your....
You know what they say about clean knobs... -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Love this Van!
Love this Van! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Wal Mart, Are you Kidding Me
So I went to Wal-Mart and saw that they had Obama Christmas Tree ornaments.... Now ain't that a bitch??? Suddenly it's OK to hang a black man from a tree again? |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: FLOODING in Iowa vs. Louisiana...
After Katrina, the media blamed the lack of response on the Bush administration's dislike of black people. Can we then conclude that the lack of media coverage and response by the Obama administration on recent devastating floods in Iowa that the Obama administration dislikes white folks? [continues] |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey. Here are some pics a girl has been sending me from her phone, from the UK. No details please. Thanks!
Gorgeous cans. -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Does anyone care about Fucking?
The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign!Are the residents called Fuckers?
And what about the Fucking neighborhood?
What are the mothers called?
What would you be learning at the Fucking High School?
Where is the Fucking Post Office?
Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?
And the Fucking drivers!
If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend.
Is fishing allowed in the Fucking Lake?
We had a wonderful time at Fucking.
We stayed in a Fucking chalet!
Fucking needs government funding.
Does anyone care about Fucking? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: please keep info private
[First] Skank from Texas. [Second] A real dirty hamster from Brooklyn. [Third] This slob-a-knob still haunts my dreams. Next time dont sleep with all my friends you garbage bag! [Fourth] Heres another skank-a-soreassrex from Brooklyn!!!!! Please keep info private! Love the site!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Beauty
Hey Orsm! I've been following you every Thursday since the Priceless days, yaddy yaddy yadda, This girl does not believe she is beautiful, hot, or sexy. Can you believe it? Withhold all details, thanks! |
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Paul wrote:
Subject: I-90 wreck in Eastern Washington, USA
Accident yesterday north of Deer Lodge on I-90. The driver was appx 22 year old guy heading east to College. He had left central Washington early in the morning. He fell asleep at the wheel and drifted off the shoulder hitting the end of the section of guard rail. The guard rail came through the right headlight, engine compartment, firewall, glove box, passenger seat, rear seat and exited out the driver's side of the rear window. That is 120 LF of guard rail that threaded through the suburban. No passengers and the driver was not injured. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Married one I'm bonking
Dear Orsm: Here's a married woman I'm bonking. Met her through a cheating site. Hide all my details, please. |
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Sami wrote:
Subject: mackerel islands
Pics from my trip to the Mackerel Islands in Western Australia's north last week. I love my life.
Great pics. -Orsm |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: The IRAN We've Not Seen!
Afterdinnerjam thinks he is in a modern world and nobody can see what he is doing. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Please hide info
Some skanky chick. Please hide info |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: She's a Hoe
Crazy bitch who loves to get it on... spread to the world to enjoy or revile. As always please hide my info. |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Ahmed replied, "Oh, from way back there I thought you said goats..."
| PUMA AND FAITH |
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a government employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet... ate the cookies... drank the milk... shat on the paper... screwed the other three cats... claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... put in for workers compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...
And that is why everyone wants to work for the government!
| SUNNY LANE |
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A few overworked deputy sheriffs were long overdue for a vacation so they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so they could afford the trip.
Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he's very well known for snoring and since it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - they agreed to take turns.
The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn't get any sleep!"
The following night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he's so loud. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. Said he wasn't going to put up with any snoring... "We'll see!" said the other deputies.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning, fellas! Wonderful day outside isn't it?" he said. They other deputies were shocked!
They said, "Man, what happened?" Frank said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn't snore at all!"
ORSM
VIDEO
... and with that I'm absolutely wrecked so please read the following and begone with you!
- Check out the site archives. Quick!
- Next update will be next Thursday. I'm a creature of habit.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will add you on Facebook and comment on every single fucking thing you post with a story relating back to him in some way...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you have about 45 minutes I'd like to talk to you about the Lord Jesus Christ? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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