Welcome to Orsm.net. Woof.

I really do spend winter in a hibernation mode. Never understood it but for some reason always need that extra hour during the colder months. And then we come to this week where the weather is noticeably warmer, the sun rises far earlier and now, suddenly, I wake-up at 6.34am every fucking morning. Almost two hours before my alarm goes off! What a piss off. It started Sunday and without thinking I roll out of bed, take a wizz and end up sitting in front of the computer before realising the clock says 6 not an 8. Still haven't worked out what is going to happen when daylight saving starts this weekend... is it going to be better or worse?

Ever notice how people get a bit funny when someone young drops dead? With Crazy John carking it at 42 a few days ago people seem to adopt an 'it could happen to me' attitude. Well no shit. You could get flattened by a bus, poisoned, eaten by a shark -whatever- but for some reason you didn't care about it until some guy you never met had a heart attack whilst jogging. Riiight...

Crazy John would have to be feeling a little gypped though. He spends his whole life building a $300M fortune then checks out before he really gets the chance to enjoy it. All I can say is I hope those 72 virgins waiting for him in Muslim heaven were a good trade.

While we're on the subject of too much money - I cant be the only one utterly jealous of the 20-something guy here in Perth who nailed the $30M Powerball this week. Not fair. I play the lottery every single week and never win a damn thing. He waltzes in 20 minutes before the draw and hits jackpot. Un-fucking-fair.

I finally got a cleaning lady. And before anyone says it - no its not because I'm lazy... more to do with the fact this joint is always a fucking pig-sty and I don't have the time to keep it clean anymore. Oh yeah... bathroom and toilet... don't even get me started.

Anyway I organised for them to come last Friday morning. Ding dong. As usual the dog beats me to the front door, barks once and I open the door to see the two women literally sprinting back to their car. "Um hello?" I say... "Please... take dog outside" she calls out with a tremble in her voice. Ha okay. They were absolutely terrified.

Have a Fling with Cara

So I lock the dog out and in they come. Close the door and straight away it hits me like a slap across the face. Body Odour... of the worst, most pungent, most disgusting kind. Its 9am for god's sake - how can anyone smell this bad so early? Honestly I don't know what country these women are from but obviously one that hasn't heard of deodorant.

I didn't know what to do. I was trying to get some stuff sorted so I could head out for the day but with the vile smell quickly invading every room of the house it was time to evacuate... NOW. "How long you going to be?" I ask. "One hour or two" she says. I tell you right now that was the longest couple of hours of my life. What was the house going to smell like when I got back? Would the smell be there forever?

The problem is what can you do about it? I've met them exactly once and I'm not exactly comfortable bringing it up. How do you say "Dude you stink worse than arse... make sure it doesn't happen again please" to someone you don't know? It reminds me of that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry has a problem with his cleaning lady not wearing a brassiere. She doesn't have a problem with it but agrees to wear a bra if he buys it for her. Maybe I should buy her a can of deodorant? Yeah... pretty good... pretttty pretttty good.

This beckons the question - was she aware of her scent? If not, why not. They cleaned another friends place earlier in the week and same deal... stench. So now I wonder, what if I smell and aren't aware? What if I'm that guy who rocks up places and always stinks but no-one wants to tell me for fear of being rude...

Thankfully Friday did have a happy ending though. By the time I got home they'd finished and gone and the strong smell of cleaning products filled the house. Bliss. Turns out that bleach and Domestos were too strong for the super-smell... this time. 

Have you added me on FaceBook yet? Click here to join the Orsm.net group and click here to add me as a friend!

Okay enough crapping on. I keep getting emails from people who say they read my blog which is cool, if not a little surprising, but to the rest of you - I fucked all your mums. With that, let's get on with the update. This weak is an absolute ripper too so grab your tissues and get stuck in. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the bride. "I won't take it up the arse."
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What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world? A girl who is free for the evening.
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A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What was the question?" the neighbour asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

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I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man. "He choked on one of my socks..."

ORSM VIDEO

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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas..."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue Gill and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

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An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"

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READER MAIL
Thank you to all the boys and girls who contributed to Reader Mail this weak. You guys are fucking great... despite what everyone else says about you...

Want to submit stuff to Reader Mail? Honestly I don't care what it is but nothing would makes me happier than an overflowing inbox. So if you've got anything - ex-girlfriend pics, girlfriend pics, fucked up videos, jokes, random images, car stuff, holiday snaps, whatever - then send it my way! All you must do is click here and make the emaily sendy thingy happen.

Brad wrote: Subject: The World's BEST USELESS INFORMATION THAT MEANS SOMETHING Quick question, what side of your car is your gas tank? If you are anything like me, you probably can't remember right away. My solution is to uncofortably stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look. I you don't do this in your own car you definetly have done it in a borrowed or rental car. Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station or put your neck at risk of uncomfort or injury. If you look at your gas guage, you will see a small icon of a gas pump. The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the pump. If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left. If your tank is on the right, the handle will be on the right (see photo). It is that simple! I don't know how you feel right now but when I found out this morning I felt cheated! Why don't the dealers share such importnant information with car buyers? I don't understand why this isn't in the drivers ed manual? I don't get why any mechanic I have ever been too or know has even thought of mentioning this to me? The only possible explantion can be that all these people probably don't even know!

Jace wrote: Subject: love the 909!!! I was driving home on the 91 freeway the other day and happened to notice the ford explorer in front of me with the most interesting licence plate. I really don't know what this person does, but I do believe that it was a female driving. Hope you get as much of a laugh out of the pic as I did taking it. Love the site and keep up the good work!!!

Fidothedog wrote: Subject: re dumb ass skank Hi there Mr ORSM from the valleys of Wales, been a fan of the site for a while. The attached skank is some liar who after spreading tales about people was dumb enough to pose for the enclosed pic. The chap who took the pic passed it onto me and so I now shame her in front of the world!!! This is a woman so dumb she, so Sam Munro/Keshel/whatever your name is this week you are owned. Feel free to post your own words on the card.

Shane wrote: Subject: How to greet an Englishman... I know you said you were sick of the rugby jokes but if England loses the final, this will be sweet revenge... (c: ... -Orsm

Sammy wrote: Subject: How To Hide An Airplane Factory During World War II, the Army Corps of Engineers needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to protect it from a Japanese air attack. They covered it with camouflage netting and madeit look like a rural subdivision from the air.

phaz wrote: Subject: beerfest - the right way Hi there I was disappointed at the last guy's Beerfest pics in Munich, so I though id send some pic's on how it should be done. This is how the north west of England roll lmao. upload these badboys

<with held> wrote: Subject: Oktoberfest Pictures Orsm, Been a huge fan for your site for a few years now. I'm a Yank studying in Dublin and made it down to this past Oktoberfest and was in the Hofbrau tent, the one shown in the pics. Crazy thing; if the Austrians caught you wearing any sort of underwear they'd stretch it out then pull it over your face and then rip it off of you. The picture (6th down) of the huge guy hanging from the ceiling is where they'd toss the newly-claimed undies. attached is a better pic with various garments hanging from it. Savage weekend there, happy I free-balled the whole time. You rock.

Austin wrote: Subject: International Motor Show the maloo r8 ute looks terrible from the rear, i got to sit inside the RSPEC F6 build number 001 yay, and the audi R8 looked killer, the new mitsubishi evo looks like a new skyline GT-R front end, umm the ferraris were nice but bloated as anything, lambo was nice but scratched up big time and the dub 300C was mint :P cant remember everything else.

Sami wrote: Subject: diving Hi mate. Here's some pics of my diving exploits off and around Cairns. Soon I will have some awesome outback NT pics - seeing Uluru, the Olgas (Kata Tjuta), Valley of the Winds & Kings Canyon this weekend!!

sir_lagalot wrote: Subject: Bathust roo G'day mr orsm. Love the site blah blah etc. I enjoyed the video of the kangaroo playing frogga in last weeks update. I had this video from Bathust a few years ago where skippy wasnt so lucky. I didnt know kangaroos could fly.

Lee wrote: Subject: Indy 2007 Balcony Action G-day mate. Thought u might like this for the site... Cheers

The Coalville Massive wrote: Subject: Video of Bar Maid!!!! Dude, please see the attached for video of our 'local' barmaid!!! She was serving drinks behind the bar at The Castle until recently when this got out, and she was relieved of her duties, looks like she was relieving someone of something else. Give a shout out to the 'Coalville' massive in Leicestershire UK.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"

ORSM VIDEO

Good German Girl

No More Drugs For That Man

You Fucking Cunt

Invisible Mirror

An Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Thinking quickly John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to yank him to make him come!"

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A young Aussie moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"  "101,237.64." The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him!?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4...?" "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"

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A Jew and a non-Jew are travelling on a train together when suddenly the gentile asks "Why are you Jews so smart?" The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says "it's because of all the herring we eat."

A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it. The gentile asks "How much herring do you have?" and the Jew answers "A dozen pieces". "And how much do you want for a piece?" "20 kopecks" (a lot of money).

The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring. "He takes a bite and says suddenly "I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks". To this the Jew responds "see... your getting smarter already."

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

ORSM VIDEO

Skinny Ass Creampie

Mega Splits

Call In Psychic Pranks

Aint No Evel Knievel

Okay girls and boys that's me for this week. I actually had a pretty damn good time slapping this bitch together so hopefully you guys have all enjoyed surfing through it... if not you can always go somewhere else! In the mean time though...

- Check out the site archives. That's where my friend Ray hides his meth stash.
- Next update will be next Thursday... and the one after that... and the one after that... and the one after that...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pull out of this weekends Gay Pride parade and ruin it for all the other queers...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Shyla Stylez lovs the cock!

Welcome to Orsm.net. It's a girl! Just like her daddy... awww.

Flies. They're back and they landed Saturday. I haven't seen or been bugged by one for months. As a matter of fact I forgot the little disease carrying annoyances even existed... until Saturday which was the first properly warm day we've had since summer ended. I've always been a bit girly about bugs - spiders top the list but flies aren't too far behind. They spend their lives hopping from turd to turd then buzz around your face just to piss you off. The thing is if I really enjoyed germs and disease that much I'd have sex with my friend Rays mum.

Australia is officially [and finally] in federal election mode. We all knew it was coming but now that a date has been set the bullshit and scaremongering is flowing thick and fast. The 'vote for me' TV advertising onslaught has ramped up and the shit stream of junk mail that's been filling our letterboxes for months is hitting unprecedented levels. Honestly if you want to get rich quick then finding a way to get your hands on the political advertising dollars been splashed around is a good place to start.

So how to vote? I've always loyally and perhaps blindly voted for the same party but for the first time I'm undecided. Why? Because, as I see it, essentially it's boiled down to one choice between two parties who are both campaigning on shit that does not affect me. Work choices, hospitals, education... blah blah. I don't care. If someone could just stand up and promise to lower taxes, interest rates, petrol prices, force the state governments to abolish stamp duty and save the environment then it would be a whole lot easier. Wishful thinking though. Whoever gets the job, we're going to end up with a guy who cares more about political survival than anything else.

Moving on to me... because I can...

Monika waiting for you at Fling

Went out for a quiet drink Friday night with some friends and ended up at the opening of a new club. Was only a few minutes before I realised just how long it's been since I last hit a club. Feels like YEARS. Great place but it occurred to me the more it was different from the old days, the more it was exactly the same - the same people, the same atmosphere, loud music and the same touch-your-toes drink prices. Brings me back to when I first started clubbing. We'd be running amok thinking how nothing could ever beat this and then you'd get talking to some old timer who really wasn't all that much older yet convinced it "just isn't the same as it used to be".

I keep waking up Saturday mornings and finding myself directionless. This one was no different. There are a million things that need doing but I can't settle on one... kind of like having a small plate at a big smorgasbord. Eventually I got busy with painting my bedroom again. More undercoat because the dark purple is still bleeding through and there's also a very good chance I'm just delaying colour selection because I know I'll fuck it all up. From there I washed the car and headed off to a mates birthday BBQ thing, then hit the shops and the day just sort of wound down from there.

Got up bright and early Sunday with a zing in my step ready to take on the world... unfortunately for the world I ended up mowing the lawn and picking up the dog shit all morning. After that, in the shower and out the door to pick up a mate and head south to the Mandurah Boat Show. I've always loved boats and would give my left nut for one but after seeing the prices of anything new I may have to wait a while... or grow more nuts. To be honest I would be more than happy with a small runabout to go fishing and cruising but I just don't have the spare $150k lying around to blow on toys.

Regardless it was a good way to blow a Sunday afternoon. There were literally thousands of boats to see and I finally managed to see my dream boat in the flesh - the Riviera 4700 Sports Yacht. If someone has a spare $1.35M and wants to buy me one I would probably give you head [as long as you're a chick and not too old]. Please think about it. Random pics of the day here too.

Before we move on - I finally got my shit together and started an Orsm/FaceBook group. Click here to view the group and click here to add me as a friend. Okay let's get the update cranking. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Fapping 101 - Wipeout! - Strategy - Hilarious - Drunk In Europe - Waterbed Sex - Superb Rack - Freaky Orgy

Beautifulness - Pure Ownage - Just Wrong - Tasty Chicas - Naughty Gurl - Sexy Upskirts - Ride Cock - Cummed On

Innuendo - Contortionistics - Dirty Housewife - Hot Blondie - Vikki Blows - Britney's Cleav - Slutty Mum - Crazy Pam

Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore. The first lawyer asks the second lawyer, "Think we should fuck her?", and the second lawyer replies, "Outta what?".
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A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's"

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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

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A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing every where. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'" Leroy said, "I want the name of the cunt that pushed me in!"

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READER MAIL
My inbox has been getting slammed like a cheap whore this week. As a matter of fact there have been so many RM submissions I got a call from Sgt. Michael Hunt at the Internet Police who told me to cool it... or else. It was a bit tense for a while but eventually Mike backed down when he realised who he was messing with. True story... every word I swear.

Want to submit stuff to Reader Mail? Honestly I don't care what it is but nothing would make me happier than waking up one morning to find a few thousand new emails. What I am trying to say is if you've got anything - ex-girlfriend pics, girlfriend pics, fucked up videos, jokes, random images, car stuff, holiday snap, whatever - then send it my way! All you must do is click here and make the emaily sendy thingy happen.

Duncan wrote: Subject: Etiquette It's good to see that some Australians have finally learnt the correct way to acknowledge an Englishman when they meet him................

<with held> wrote: Subject: biggest turd ever... hey mr orsm. this here is the biggest fkn turd ive ever crapped outta my ass. fking disgusting but i cant help but be somewhat proud of that....clean exit! enjoy! p.s plz withold my name and email Am I going to be the first one to say it looks like a penis...? -Orsm

Customer wrote: Subject: mayoral candidate In Canada it is election time. That means anyone and everyone who wants to run for office in our town can. Here is a candidate who stands out in the field of runners, but for different reasons than the others. Immature? Yes. Did I laugh? Yes. -Orsm

pip wrote: Subject: weird pic from shoddy mp3 player manual Hi, I thought this pic would be interesting for you to put into RS (but its not like you need them) or something else. cheers big ears

TS wrote: Subject: Storm Brisbane Storm 15 October. From my parents balcony. Well impressive this. Wow. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: golf day Hey dude love the site I finally have something to contribute here are a couple of pics of me and me mate at a corporate golf day at collier park I hope you enjoy em as much as I did please withhold my details thanks man

Tommy Harris wrote: Subject: Octoberfest pics Hey Mr. Orsm, Here are some pics of Octoberfest in Munchen Germany (which is actually in Sept. weird) They show how blunt the Germans can be, the caos getting the beer tent, and of course can't forget the beer girls. Hope you enjoy.

Michael wrote: Subject: there you go, FIX THAT!! Some amazing photos from Iraq. This is one of the new "hardened" MRAP vehicles that was hit by a 500 lb bomb (IED). The vehicle was totally destroyed, but EVERYONE IN THE VEHICLE WALKED AWAY. Note the unusual construction of the bottom of the hardened Pathfinder APC. Note the bottom looks like the hull of a ship. The blast picked up the truck and turned it around! The driver got some broken ribs (see the photo of the steering wheel), but that's it. Everyone walked away from a 500 lb explosion directly beneath their vehicle.

joe fenech wrote: Subject: stupid hurts these pics were taken on sunday night after a smallish crash with a postie bike at the phillip island camp ground and wonthangi hospital. my right ankle needed 21 stitchs,14 on the outside and and 7 on the inside. they say i was lucky as it was 2 to 3 mil away from my femal artery. just a small reminder that STUPID HURTS!!

adam wrote: Subject: some more fakes Thanks for posting the Spice Girls fakes. I've attached [a bunch of] fakes you can use as you wish. I lost a fair few of my fakes when my system had a virus a while back but these are some of the ones I'd previously saved. Hope you and everyone who visits orsm likes them.

H M wrote: Subject: Love it Hey Mr Orsm. Love your site and look forward to your weekly updates.I got these pics from a guy on the net..They are of his wife and he said that if I can get them on your site he'd send more..Hope you can se fit to use them and hell man..I'd love to see more of her..LOL. Keep up the good work and look forward to your next update..

Iain wrote: Subject: Walking Through the Street One Day Iraq ....of course. 30mm rounds from a few kms away.....thats why they didnt even here the initial shots. Sucks to be insurgent I guess... -Orsm

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of the guy!"

"So I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him... which, oddly enough, happened to be the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Sir, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell, hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the guy finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.

A few seconds later, another guy comes up to the gate. Straight in to it and eager to hear the guys story he says, "Sir, please tell me what it was like the day you died." He starts, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."

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A cop in Paris last night pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The cop said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample" The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then". The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays rugby for New Zealand, please don't take the piss out of him".

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AUSTRALIAN CITIZENSHIP EXAM
The Australian Government has put together a test for people applying for Australian citizenship with questions that they think reflects our language, culture, lifestyle etc. These are alternative questions being circulated by people who think the Government has no idea of what it means to be an Australian. So here's the true blue Ocker version. See if you'd pass.

LANGUAGE
1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bikkies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

CUSTOMS
1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences: a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother .? b) You're going home in the back of a .? c) Fair suck of the .?
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss.
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD
1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?
6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE
1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
2. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?
3. Who would you like to crack on to?
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

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Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". Shocked she slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina?". "Yes" she says. The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!?"

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A bloke enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

So the guy places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Paddy and Mick were both laid off from their jobs in a clothing factory, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher - I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker were collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy? "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

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Well dudes that is that. Hopefully this update has kept you occupied, amused and away from doing whatever it is that you're supposed to be doing and hopefully -if I did a good job- you'll come back next Thursday, tell your mates and... and... and... do all the things I've written below...

- Check out the site archives. They're so massive that illegal immigrants have been trying to get in.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless someone can suggest a better time? Let me know...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will keep hooking West Coast Eagles players up with prescription meds until there's no-one left...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to join the Orsm group on FaceBook! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Click to see more Eva

Welcome to Orsm.net. I may be racist but at least I'm not gay...

Howdy folks. Here we are - another week at blinding pace. Blink, sleep-in, fart and it's gone. It'll be next October before we know it and I'll be left wondering where the last year has gone. Oops... too late...

I've been getting tonnes of email from people [read: Poms] about beating Australia in the rugby this week. Let me just take this opportunity to say THANK YOU. If there's one sport I hate then rugby is it so defeating the Aussies means that it wont be covered in the news or sports reports and I wont have to listen to shit I don't care about. Please gloat away!

While we're on sport - are you guys the same ones who make yourselves scarce every time Australia devastatingly embarrasses England in the Cricket? Because that's a sport I love... and I love you guys even more for being good spirited enough to field a team knowing full well that the result is decided before a single ball is bowled. What I'm trying to say here is - expect some payback [and gloating] next time we meet!

I attempted to give my desk a quick tidy during an untimely blackout yesterday. The thing about my desk is that its long [like my Johnson] and I can spread [that's what she said] all my mail, papers and various junk out for several months before the pile gets high enough to bug me. Anyway as I was digging through I eventually formed a little pile of birthday cards that I'd received - about twenty in total. I've never been much of a card guy and as much as it's nice to get a little message from the giver it just strikes me as a huge waste.

Firstly, each card cost around $5 each, multiply by twenty, that's $100. Secondly, what are you supposed to do with them? Open, read, done. Wooo... great. What next? Bin it? $100 in the bin. Keep them? Okay... where? How long for? And what do people expect here? Someone has taken the time to write a nice, heartfelt note and I put it through the shredder without a second thought. Cards are a trap.

Moving on... can someone please explain to me the fascination with tattoo wings? Tattoos have never been more popular and like most things, trends seem to come and go but this one has to take the cake as most retarded. They're wings for fucks sake!

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Getting 'ink' has never really appealed... nothing against it... I actually don't mind some I've seen... but the idea of painting myself with something I'm stuck with for life seems short-sighted. Okay so that's probably the standard argument most people throw out but knowing me -as I do- I'll completely change my mind six times before breakfast so I'm better off leaving it alone.

Another example is the guy I saw walking down the street a few days ago... normal looking guy... shorts... t-shirt... hat... and red tattoos carved all over his legs. It looked fucking stupid and surely at some point he's going to look down and wonder what he was thinking. Dude I think it didn't impress your boyfriend as much as you hoped...

Okay on to me and my goings on... I've been continuing on with my list of shit to do around the house. The damn list keeps growing by the day and its starting to look like I won't have it sorted by the end of the year. Anyway after crossing several things off on Saturday I decided to tackle one of the bigger ones on Sunday - repainting my bedroom.

When I moved in to this joint it was an abortion of multiple wallpaper layers, paint and crud. So we painstakingly stripped it and had endless dramas getting it painted. The only problem was I SUCK at choosing colours and for the last two years I've slept in a grey/deep purple/white/cream depression. Until Sunday... out came the tin of white undercoat and I began. The problem is its taking numerous coats to stop the dark colours bleeding through. Pain in the arse. Honestly... painting has to be the worst job someone can do. That's kind of how I imagine hell - everyone standing around painting, desperately trying not to drip.

Before I forget - I'm not sure who's responsible but huge thanks to whoever grabbed the stuff off my wishlist for me! Seriously... Sledge Hammer and National Lampoons... best shit ever! I'm saving them to watch over the Christmas break. Cheers!

Let's get this fucking mother cranking. If you're new to these parts then this is how it works - grab your rubber gloves, fleshlight, tissues and strap yourself in for a for a massive dose of Orsm entertainment! Check it...

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A very frustrated husband was down in the dumps about a health issue and had enough of it so he decided he was going to visit a doctor about it. So the next day he went to his doctor."Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas," said the doctor, "bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The following day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doc said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
--
A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond. The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for. which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have s in it'. The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more!!"

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Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready..." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "Look, I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a chequebook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

ORSM VIDEO

First Time Anal

Slightly Off-key

Transformers

Double Jointed Freak

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HOW TO KEEP A GIRLFRIEND... KEEN...

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognise the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewellery is for wussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "fuck you!" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.
10. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really pissed off when you don't call.
11. Warm her up when she's cold... and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny... why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like pumping iron).
15. Spit often. Girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell... a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).
21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! Congrats! My son is also my pride and joy he started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! You must be very proud! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion!"

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returnedfrom the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... what about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him no matter what. And he hasn't done too badly either! His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

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As usual the week got past me and I didn't have as much time as expected to get RM fully sorted... not that anyone could notice of course! Thanks to the frickin' huge backlog my arse has been well and truly saved once again...

Want to have you stuff featured on Orsm.net? Think you can do better than this lot? Well it would probably be a good idea to email me! We're always on the prowl for ANYTHING - pics of your skanky Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, funny ha-ha jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - whatever! It's all welcome. Just do the clickety-click and make the magic happen.

Kevin wrote: Subject: funny pic at a concert. I was at a concert for the band Cartel, earlier this week and this drunk girl came in with her bf. We noticed they were getting a bit feely, and then she put her hand down his pants. At one point she had her hand all the way to her elbow down it. Everyone behind them, like us, had a great laugh. I decided to take a picture so I could show everyone.

cdevon1200 wrote: Subject: g/fs boobs hey, long time since i sent you anything, well here is a shot of my g/f's boobs. keep up the great work.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Possible contribution Hey Orsm, Grretings from the USA! Love the site, been coming here for who knows how long. I finally have something I think is worth contributing. This was from an invoice for a book for my store. It should be noted, if anyone's curious, the actual title is "Curious George and the Dog Show".

Megan wrote: Subject: pathetic lying bastard Hey Orsm, I've been visitin your site every week since my boyfriend introduced it to me in Dec '06. Love it. Was goin through the archives and found somethin in one of your Nov '06 reader mails that caught my attention. Some bloke submitted a picture of a chick's big tits sayin "here are is a pic of this chicks tits that wants me to screw her can you hide me e-mail and name thanks". Well I did a double-take and geez they looked pretty bloody familiar -- yeh no wonder, they're MINE. Ive never individually traded pics with anyone ever -- I actually anonymously posted that pic on a social networking site. So this dickwad took the pic off my profile that he happened to stumble upon and made up some lame story that makes him sound like he's god's gift to women. Makes me wonder how many other men who write in with alleged "ex-girlfriend" pics are actually making their stories up cause they can't get any in real life. So unlike the lyin coward who wrote in wantin his details hidden, I don't give two shits if you hide my details or not! Hopin you'll publish this cos I want that gutless loser to see that he's been caught out! Cheers mate keep up the good work. Picture attached.

Nigel wrote: Subject: Sights of Adelaide G'day Mr Orsm, please withhold my details. For work I have to drive all day around Adelaide, here's some of the things I come across in my travels. P.S. I'm for 69 aswell!

Tony wrote: Subject: Vessel capsized in Antwerp - This morning! Hey Orsm, Great job you're doing! I'm sending you some pics taken this morning in the port of Antwerp. A vessel (Republica di Genova) capsized and lost most of its cargo that had been stowed on deck. Well, all I can say: have fun searching for your stuff... hahaha.

marc wrote: Subject: busa Pimped out Hayabusa. Found parked along Chapel St in Melb last wk.

Nafe wrote: Subject: Aquarium The world's largest cylindrical aquarium. Placed at the lobby of the Radisson SAS Hotel in Berlin. The 25 meters high AquaDom is the largest cylindrical aquarium ever built. Filled with about 900,000 liters of seawater, it contains some 2600 fish of 56 species. The AquaDom was opened in December 2003. It cost about 12.8 million euros. The acrylic glass cylinder was constructed by the U.S. company Reynolds Polymer Technology. The outside cylinder was manufactured on-site from four pieces; the inside cylinder for the elevator was delivered in one piece. The Aquadom is the largest acrylic glass cylinder in the world, with a diameter of over 11 meters, built on a 9 meters tall concrete foundation.

joe wrote: Subject: Check this out Some bloke bought this wreck from a farm in Tasi for 10 grand, and then paid 11 hundred dollars to get it to Melbourne!!! I'm guessing the numbers must be good! Check them out if you can!! Goes to show you how stupid the muscle car prices have gone....

Mr Duck wrote: Subject: The bear facts A bear was walking across Rainbow Bridge Old Hwy 40 at Donner Summit, Truckee, CA on Saturday when two cars also crossing the bridge scared the bear into jumping over the edge of the bridge. Somehow the bear caught the ledge and was able to pull itself to safety. Authorities decided that nothing could be done to help Saturday night so they returned Sunday morning to find the bear sound asleep on the ledge. After securing a net under the bridge the bear was tranquilized, fell into the net, lowered, then woke up and walked out of the net.

Twitch wrote: Subject: Xtreme Sledding Movie Mr. Orsm, Here's a little video I put together. Every spring a bunch of us get together for a big ice fishing party just as the ice starts coming off the northern Minnesota lakes. Nothing like getting "plowed" on thin ice. Some of the guys usually put on a show with their snow machines, and last year we got some good video of it.

Wiggy wrote: Subject: petrol bomb Howdy Orsm, here's a vid from last satday night at the Numduc Rally at Dowerin. Thought you might like it. Cheers.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Home Videos Thought you might enjoy a couple of videos of my wife playing with herself last weekend. The first vid shows her masturbating by rubbing her clit, the second was shot a few minutes later while she fingered herself. Both times she reached a very satisfying orgasm... if you turn the volume up you can hear her gasping at the very moment of climax.

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "Happy!? I'm NOT happy! My ass itches!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Homemade Lez Action

Hannes Coetzee

Hilarious Leno Interviews

Cool Car Crashes

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Ralph, for the FIFTH time - CHICKEN!"

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A young Jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university> As these things go, halfway through the semester he has foolishly has squandered all of his money. So he calls home, "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk." "That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $2,000," the young Jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course." So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know. "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read." "Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

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A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before you enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her." St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should
approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Honestly?" she asked, with a little pained grimace on her face. "Well... I was really hoping for a girl."

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"Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate. I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days." "Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista, Rod, that your parrot died." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?" "Yebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat, Mista, Rod" "Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Mista, Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
 
"Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Boss" "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the!!?? Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!! "Yes Boss Rod."
 
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Mista Rod."
 
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?" "Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."

SILENCE...
LONG SILENCE...
FINALLY...

"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you're in deep, deep shit!"

ORSM VIDEO

Hot Or Not?

The Wilhelm Scream

Titan Rocket Crashes

Bathurst Roo

O bella, ciao! Bella, ciao! Bella, ciao, ciao, ciao!

- Check out the site archives. Go onnnn...
- Next update will be next Thursday. yadsruhT txen eb lliw etadpu txeN
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will turn off his phone after 11pm so you cant ring him up in the middle of the night to score some heroin... "Oh come on man... I'll do anything... I'll suck your dick!!"
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Click for more Carmella !

Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces, new born, not even spoken a word yet, baby Jesus - welcome to Orsm.net.

October? Grrr October! October means one fucking thing - hayfever season! Sniffle this and sniffle that followed by every person I speak to on the phone asking me "Did you just wake up? You sound like you just woke up." "Yes moron... its 6pm and I just woke up..." I have been hitting the Zyrtec [magical stuff] nice and hard but for some reason that doesn't stop me waking up though out the night to blow the snot out.

Aside from the nasal drip and sneezing fits it's been an all over the place kind of week. For starters it seems several of my friends aren't talking to me... which is okay because I'm now not talking to them and there was also the very sad death of a childhood hero - Chris Mainwaring.

It wasn't all bad though. Saturday was Grand Final day - Geelong versus Port Adelaide. Neither of which I support so to be honest I didn't really care who won as long as it wasn't Port. They didn't disappoint either! Geelong killed them by almost 20 goals which was just embarrassing and also the reason a lot of people panned the game as the worst Grand Final ever. Me? I thought it was one of the best ever - you really have to take your hat off to a team that can beat the second best team in the competition by that much.

On with my weekend because I'm sort of already halfway through it anyway...

After a nice little sleep-in Sunday I got up to find an absolutely glorious day cranking outside so rather than sit around and waste it I jumped in the car and went for a cruise along the coast. Was amazing down there... glorious doesn't cut it... neither does spectacular. Its days like that I wish I owned a boat.

From there it was a trip to the hardware store to spend a birthday gift certificate. I'm on a stop-thrashing-my-credit-card kick at the moment so the idea was to get in and get out as quickly as possible without going over the certificate limit AND by just getting the things I needed. Ha yeah right... an hour later I emerged, bundle of stuff under my arm, grin on my face and not having come close to succeeding.

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Continuing on with the birthday present thing I got stuck into seasoning the BBQ the fam gave me... something which I thought would take five or ten minutes but ended up going closer to two hours. By the way... very, very hot oil and BBQ parts BURN...

To round out the rest of Sunday, mother dearest came past with her sisters/my aunties for afternoon tea... another bloody acknowledgement of my birthday would you believe! Not all that bad though... we had coffee, cake, made small talk and they gave me money so who am I to complain...?

I went through a stage of hating public holidays. They always seemed more of an inconvenience and messed up my work week but Monday well and truly hit the spot. I got up at a pretty normal hour and with absolutely nothing that needed my urgent attention, decided to go for [another] cruise down the coast on what was [another] perfect day for it.

When I got home I made a start on the 'jobs to do around the house before Christmas' list but it wasn't all that long before dog started pissing me off. Every move I make, she reacts. I walk away, she follows. I walk towards, she walks up for a pat. I stare, she stares. I swear the little German whore knew it was a holiday and this was her not so subtle way of harassing me in providing her with activity. So off we went... on a big long walk... which destroyed her... and then off to a mates place to run around with his dog... and then to get ice cream. By the time we got home she'd had enough. Hopefully she'll remember that next time she wants to go out but I doubt it.

Okay enough nonsensical ramblings. There's far better things in this weeks update than reading my boring crap but you'll never know if you don't start scrolling. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Check this out Orsm surfers! I heard this on The Howard Stern Show archives on Sirius radio last weekend. These two guys -Ricky and Kevin- personally guarantee they can get anyone FREE access to any porn site on the Internet or they'll pay for your membership. Internet Free Porn! Click here to see for yourself!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife. Overcome by anger he stabs him to death! The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says "Keep that up and pretty soon you'll have no friends left!"
--
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynaecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a Proctologist appointment tomorrow, do you?"

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services - the United States Marine Corps. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'"

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps - eight dog years is fifty-six Corps years - and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"  "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"

ORSM VIDEO

Dancing Hotties

Christmas Tree Fire

Prank Call Hilarity

Emo Fags

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Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom a few minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.

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GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

READER MAIL
Want to have you stuff featured on Orsm.net? Well it would probably be a good idea to email me first! We're always on the prowl for ANYTHING - pics of your skankvy Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, funny ha-ha jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - whatever! It's all welcome. Just do the clickety-click here and make the magic happen.

jmposthu wrote: Subject: Re: pic of fuel dump 20SEP07 ORSM, Regarding the photo of the 'fuel dump'... That's a C-17AGlobemaster III (exactly the same as the ones the RAAF just bought), prolly from the USAF or maybe RAF, just after dumping anti-SAM flares. The mix of metals in the flare leave a lot of smoke in the air, the resulting clouds sometimes called "angels wings". Attached closer shot of C-17A dumping flares (alight this time), thieved from Wiki :) Keep it real.

<with held> wrote: Subject: C-130 Hi there, Mr. ORSM. I'm from Canada, a longtime visitor and a first time contributor to your great site. This is a video response to your post about a C-130 making an angel-like out of smoke over the ocean. The airplane pictured in the original post is a C-117 Globemaster and not a C-130 Hercules. Also, the smoke comes from thermal decoys that the pilot can switch on in case the airplane is the target of an incoming heat seeking missile. Since the temperature of the burning decoys id a lot greater than the temperature of the 4 engines, the missile would be thrown off course from its original target.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Bow Hunting Orsm, Enjoy. A few pictures of my partner for bow hunting this fall, great rack - I mean bow!! I'd like to zing my arrow in to her... -Orsm

Dennis C wrote: Subject: Bondi Bikini Record Hi Orsm, One thousand plus girls in bikinis on Bondi Beach and they spell your name wrong!! Love your site. It's a common thing for me - girls whip themselves into a frenzy, lose control and forget how to spell my name. True story. Honest I swear. -Orsm

greg wrote: Subject: so ya reckon your "equipment" is big 28 inches kiddies!!!! If you can't make out the number plate on the back, it says, XZIBIT

Duncan wrote: Subject: Abdominal operation Had surgery end of 2003. Got sewn up, stapled. Developed a bad internal haemorrhage, declared clinically dead by the time they ripped me open, injected blood directly into my heart, veins in neck, feet, legs, etc, and stopped the bleed. Family called on two occasions to come and say goodbye - "not going to last much longer." Woke up to take this photo of my own gut. Yes, those are my organs you see. Docs couldn't get it to heal - tried vacuum (second pic with black sponge), everything. When I arrived home, nurses were crap so my daughter (age 11) helped with the dressings and dealt with the bad smells, etc.Finally researched wound management myself and got the hospital to give me all the dressings I needed - took 18 months to close fully. Now left with no tissue or muscle over gut - could pop open and kill me any time - and horribly distorted features. Life sucks - but your site makes it all better. Thanks. Well that about takes care of stuff to have nightmares about for the next six months or so. Thanks! -Orsm

CUStyles wrote: Subject: Gator attack in South Carolina Hey Orsm - Long time visitor of your site. Great stuff. Attached are a few pictures from a recent gator attack in South Carolina, which, quite frankly, are unheard of in these parts. The victim was snorkeling in a local lake when he was attacked by an 11-12 ft gator. In a valiant effort, the rescuers removed the arm from the gator's belly and sent it to the hospital. Shockingly, the reattachment was unsuccessful. Keeps it real.....

Alex wrote: Subject: New Audi R8 Hey Mr Orsm, Recently got back from overseas, saw an Audi display with the hot new R8.

Nils wrote: Subject: pictures of the mercedes slr and f700 - car convention in germany hi mr. orsm! this saturday i visited the worlds biggest car convetion "iaa" in frankfurt germany and took some pictures. the new mercedes slr-roadster and the mercedes f700 - a car which was presented the first time to the public. I'll take one of those F700 thingies please. -Orsm

K wrote: Subject: ex girlfriend pictures Hi to one and all , i was spring cleaning and came across some pictures of my ex { Kelly } i naturally thought these have to be shared with everyone on orsm as i love viewing others on this site so this is my little contribution.

<with held> wrote: Subject: My Slutty Ex I found out that my ex was cheating on me so hear are some good shots of her for everyone to enjoy. Please don't show my info. Thanks! Your site has rocked for year and I hope for years to come!!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Cheating Ex-Wife Please post the pics of my cheating ex-wife. You may post HER name. Keep my details private.

Loz wrote: Subject: Playmates in the wild Stuart Brown describes Norbert Rosing's striking images of a wild polar bear playing with sled dogs in the wilds of Canada's Hudson Bay. The photographer was sure that he was going to see the end of his huskies when the polar bear materialized out of the blue. Obviously it was a well-fed Bear... The Polar Bear returned every night that week to play with the dogs.

Adam wrote: Subject: spice girl fakes I sent you some Paris Hilton fakes a few months back that you posted. A few weeks ago I also sent you photos of a skank my friend went out with 15 years ago (she was the one peeing over herself in the bath!) Well now that the 'lovely' Spice Girls have reformed I thought I'd send you some fakes I did of them a few years back. I have a ton of other celebrity fakes but I'm not sure if people outside the nerdy Photoshop community like them. Maybe I'll send you some of some Hollywood actresses if these are well received.

<with held> wrote: Subject: fuck you LIsten mr Awesome Orsm or whatever the hell you wanna call yourself these days anyways I give you love an d Tonight I almost fukn died because apparently my fukn GErman passat or piss ant cant take corners like it should.so I wanna check and see how my babty is doin and you got fukn potato boinsai pics. I should be able to clicky on any of youyr fukn linkys and get pussy, but no I get potato growths. sorry to talk so harsh baby but I come home from work and have an almost acsident and decide to get hammered and do some soul, I mean web, searching and you have potatoes. are you not getting enough ex-wife or ex0bitch pictures these days??????? Oh wait you just had your birthday. you musta ben busy,. sorry, all is forgiven. I will deel with a week of potao pRon while you celebrate. I gonna take some pics of my fuckn shoulder so you can see that seatbelts work. I think, 2marrow I gonna go look at that damn corner and see what I ddi.

DtM wrote: Subject: Pop Scary moment on the drillfloor (location unknown) Ooops... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: skinny chick in her mid 20's Anonymity needed please. Quite a fuckable skinny little thing. Cya MrORSM!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

ORSM VIDEO

Angelina Lingerie Porn

Sexual Innuendo

Blood Bath Prank

Jap Toilet Training

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognise any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what calibre rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk... killed with an axe!'"

MOTTLED DELIGHT Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - Christine - More >>

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's".

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."

RANDOM SHITE Don't know if I mentioned but ohhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Check it.... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily. "Three hundred bucks," replied the young man. Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay - now get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?" "He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza..."

BUILDING THE BUS A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380 - A380

Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his cods a squeeze. The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.

A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?" "I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed. "Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker"!

Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - More >>

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to You?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that..."

ORSM VIDEO

Self Pleasuring

Hungry Kitty

Biggest Face Plant EVER

F22 Air Show Demo

Well I'm tired... shattered... wrecked... so:

- Check out the site archives. PLEASE.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Next update will be next Thursday. Next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will finger your stink hole.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Mainy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.