I'm one of the millions of twits who enjoy researching and planning travel. Have sworn not to use a travel agent again. Not because it's so easy to do online these days, because last time I did that they [aka SheCunt] fucked up the itinerary, took forever to respond to emails and were just generally cunty. All this in the days before flying out - SheCunt's cuntiness just added more stress to the whole bunch already happening. So never again... and now I just glare when I see SheCunt at the mall.
Annnnyway so I spent way too much time planning a trip next year. Got all the travel apps, joined all the aggregator sites, read all the reviews and eventually settled on destination, hotel and dates. Ended up making the reservation through Booking.com. They were equal cheapest and used their website more than any other - seemed only fair. Then a couple of weeks ago I got a notification that the price of a hotel on my favourites list had dropped. Usually ignore them because pointless. Skyscanner for example sends notifications regularly saying a 'flight you are watching has dropped $2'. Big bloody whoop. I checked the same hotel, room and dates as I had already booked and whaddya know - price had indeed dropped almost $300. Not an insignificant amount and almost didn't bother following it up because the rules say cancelling the booking would incur a one night minimum charge and therefore wipe out any saving after rebooking at the lower rate... if that's makes sense? So I go digging through the Booking.com help section and find some stuff about their price match promise, flick them an email and wait. A week later they reply: "We have good news for you!" and blah blah blah they are going to refund the difference once we complete our stay. Sweet! Should mention this isn't an ad for Booking.com. Most of the accom sites prob have the exact same guarantee. It is nice to have a win though.
Alright then dudes. Late as this update is, I did get her up! No thanks to the contagion currently ransacking my digestive system though. Check it...
A warning to all you - be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. The Police are out there in numbers checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...
--
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?" He replies: "No girl, that's no longer possible for me". Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!" They both go inside. They undress and he performs like a young buck, giving it to her 5 times in a row. "Oh my goodness" says the hooker, breathless "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!" Says the old guy: "Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying that is no longer possible!"
--
The man who invented auto correct has died. May he rust in piss.
--
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news" the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor".
--
Some tourists from different countries in the Natural History Museum of London are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of the tourists asks the Curator "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The Curator replies "They are two million, five years, and eight months old". "That's an extremely exact number" says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The Curator answers "Well, the dinosaur bones were two million years old when I started working here, and that was five years and eight months ago!"
Was in London when a German tourist ran up to me in a panic. He breathlessly gasped "My friend has been in a bad accident; can you tell me the number to ring for an ambulance?" I replied "999" The ungrateful prick punched me and ran to someone else...
--
A policeman knocked on my door and said "Mister Smith, I'm afraid your flatmate has been involved in a road accident". Slightly baffled I said "There must be some mistake, officer. I live here in this house with my wife. I don't have a flatmate". "There was a steamroller involved, so YES, you do..."
--
I got caught masturbating in my local newsagents... It's all over the papers.
--
During a dull Parliament House dinner, Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with Governor General Cosgrove. "I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!" "Very impressive" said Cosgrove "but, you do realise he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean". "Oh, I know" replied Chloe "but neither does the parrot".
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?" Luigi said "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down".
"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'.
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car'. So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say 'No a smokina indisa car. Musta go to a smokina car...'
We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...
Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.
They had been out only a short time then Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them".
"We don't have to go back" George replied.
"Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he'll go fetch them for you".
Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.
Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit... and the superintendent's balls in his mouth!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself".
The reporter said "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same".
The old explorer said "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE NAKED TO HAVE YOUR BUDS IN... BUT IT HELPS.
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Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say 'Don't do it stupid' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, a note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
-My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
-The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
-My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
-My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
-I had no control over the drooling.
-Apparently, I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
-I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money".
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A little town in the middle of nowhere had a sensational birth rate and scientists decided to visit the place to find out the cause. So, the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, a train comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up".
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing". And they did.
"Now we eat everybody". And they did.
When they were both gorged the son asked "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied "Because they taste better without all the shit inside!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish" said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat".
"Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does". "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it". "Well, okay".
After the money was exchanged, the city fisherman asked "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth" he said.
NEVER EVER STOP POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS - WE LOVE IT !
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or all of these three antidotes - Really Urgent Medicine (RUM), Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Ask yourself why you would deny yourself pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Gastro permitting.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will get all butthurt when you beat him playing pool on Messenger.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never trust a fart. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.11.22-21.14
Welcome to something witty but not clever.
Again I find myself having to make the very difficult decision between writing a whole long blog thingy........... or keeping it short. I'm going with the latter because grabbing dinner and squeezing in some PS4 before the next couple of days happens is far more appealing. FAR MORE. There hasn't been much of a break of late but with the time of year and run to Christmas underway its to be expected. Friday was saddled with children best described as unrelenting; one at an age they will not follow a single instruction, the other who learned the word "no" that very day. Saturday was a clusterfuck of, I suppose you would call it, helping others sort out their lives followed by a lot of gardening and a party. Sunday, day of rest, was breakfast with mates then off to a river cruise. Woke up Monday pretty fucking shattered and bringing this update to fruition over the past 4 days has been all-consuming. And whilst all this sounds complainy, its not meant to. There were no major fuck ups, no one died and for the most part it was quality time with family and friends. That's what its all meant to be about... right?
Aaaaaaalrighty then. Somebody stop me. If there's some way for me to really convey to you guys that this update is amazing then... I'm not sure what that is. But trust me - it is! Check it...
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate Seamus round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so Seamus suggests a swap "I'll fuck her and you waft the towel". Paddy agrees and within seconds paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to Seamus and says "THAT my friend is how you waft a towel!"
--
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives". "You idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives". "Of course you can" the assistant replied "Look at him... he daren't cough now!!"
--
The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says "Put those on". The bride replies "I can't wear your pants". "And don't forget that" he replies "I will always wear the pants in this family!" The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request "Try those on!" He replies "I can't get into your panties!" "And you never will if you don't change your attitude".
--
A little girl asks her father "What is SEX?" The father thinks, this is the day i tell my little princess everything about sex, he sits her down and explains sex including, sexual intercourse, conception, sperms, eggs, ovulation, menstruation, etc. Then the little girls asks "Daddy what is a COUPLE?"
And he explains that it means two people engaging in sex, including homos and lesbians, paedophiles and everything. Finally, he asks the little girl "Why do u want to know about a couple and sex?" She answered that "Mommy said that lunch will be ready in A COUPLE OF SECS".
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Q. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? A. One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
--
Last night I was sitting browsing the web on the PC, when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights". I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my zip, and gave me a tremendous blowie! Don't ask me why though. I can't work out why she's so interested in darts all of a sudden.
--
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee". Wife replies "No, you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee". Husband replies "I can't believe that, show me". So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS".
Harvey Weinstein is not letting the sexual assault allegations ruin his Thanks Giving. In fact, he is probably reaching for a breast or a thigh right now as we speak...
--
The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital. "How is she?" I asked, concerned. "Critical" replied the officer. "Oh for fucks sake, what's she complaining about now?"
--
The British woman who fell off the cruise ship has been named as Eileen Dover.
--
You will not believe what just happened! I went to the servo to get petrol. When I pulled up, I noticed two cops watching this guy who was smoking while pumping gas. I thought "This guy doesn't have any common sense or maybe he's high. I know you see the cops!" I went in and when I was checking out I heard someone screaming. I looked outside and the guy's arm was on fire! He was waving his arm around going crazy! I went outside just in time to see the cops put him on the ground and put the fire out with some coffee! YES, COFFEE!! Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in the police car. Because I'm nosy, I walked up to one of the cops and asked what they were arresting him for. The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said... "WAVING AROUND A FIREARM!"
Two Irishmen went down to Centrelink pretending to be deaf, in order to get disability money from the government.
The next day they have to go to the hearing centre for a test.
The first Irishman walks into the office, and the audiologist says "Hello, come in, and shut the door behind you".
He shuts the door and takes a seat. The audiologist says "You're not deaf. I just asked you to shut the door behind you and you shut it. So you can hear perfectly fine, now get out!"
On his way out he says to the second one in the waiting room "Now whatever you do, don't shut that door, he's trying to trick you"
So the second one walked in and the audiologist said "Shut the door behind you"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again.
Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -by this time scared out of his wits- yells "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"
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Oh how times have changed. Whilst this exhaustive list may have led to marriage way back when, they overcomplicated the hell out of things. Its worth a read and a laugh but as any guy will admit, the one guaranteed way to get a husband in 2018, and probably the next few thousand years, is swallow. That's it. The end. Swallow.
WHERE TO FIND HIM 1. Get a dog and walk it.
2. Have your car break down at strategic places.
3. Attend night school - take courses men like.
4. Join a hiking club.
5. Look in the census reports for places with the most single men. Nevada has 125 males for every 100 females.
6. Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.
7. Take up golf and go to different golf courses.
8. Take several short vacations at different places rather than one long one at one place.
9. Sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.
10. Take a bicycle trip through Europe.
11. Get a job in a medical, dental or law school.
12. Become a nurse or airline stewardess - they have very high marriage rates.
13. Ask your friends' husbands who the eligible men are in their offices.
14. Be nice to everybody - they may have an eligible brother or son.
15. Get a government job overseas.
16. Volunteer for jury duty.
17. Be friendly to ugly men - handsome is as handsome does.
18. Tell your friends that you are interested in getting married. Don't keep it a secret.
19. Get lost at football games.
20. Don't take a job in a company run largely by women.
21. Get a job demonstrating fishing tackle in a sporting goods store.
22. On a plane, train or bus don't sit next to a woman - sit next to a man.
23. Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.
24. Don't be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they may have some leftovers.
25. Go back to your hometown for a visit - the wild kid next door may have become a very eligible bachelor while you were away.
26. Don't room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.
27. Get a part-time job in a convention bureau.
28. Change apartments from time to time.
29. When traveling, stay at small hotels where it is easier to meet Strangers.
30. Learn to paint. Set up easel outside engineering school.
HOW TO LET HIM KNOW YOU'RE THERE 31. Stumble when you walk into a room that he's in.
32. Forget discretion every once in a while and call him up.
33. Carry a hatbox.
34. Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened.
35. Make a lot of money.
36. Learn several funny stories and learn to tell them well - but make sure you don't tell them to him more than once.
37. Walk up to him and tell him you need some advice.
38. Dropping the handkerchief still works.
39. Have your father buy some theatre tickets that have to be got rid of.
40. Stand in a corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he'll come over to find out what's wrong.
41. Don't let him fish for your name the next time you meet. None of this "guess who" stuff.
42. If you're at a resort, have the bell-boy page you.
43. Buy a convertible. Men like to ride in them.
44. Learn how to bake tasty apple pies. Bring one in to the office and let the eligible bachelors taste it.
45. Laugh at his jokes.
46. If there's a wallflower among the men you know, why not cultivate him? For all you know, he may be a diamond in the rough.
47. "Accidentally" have your purse fly open, scattering its contents all over the street.
129 WAYS TO GET A HUSBAND ACCORDING TO 1958 [CONTINUED]
HOW TO LOOK GOOD TO HIM 48. Men like to think they're the authorities on perfume. Ask his advice on what kind you should wear.
49. Get better-looking glasses - men still make passes at girls who wear glasses - or try contact lenses.
50. Practice your drinking with your women friends first.
51. If you dye your hair, pick a shade and stick to it.
52. Wear high heels most of the time - they're sexier!
53. Unless he happens to be shorter than you are!
54. Tell him he's handsome.
55. Take good care of your health. Men don't like girls who are ill.
56. If you look good in sweaters, wear one on every third date.
57. Dress differently from the other girls in the office.
58. Get a sunburn.
59. Watch your vocabulary.
60. Go on a diet if you need to.
61. When you are with him, order your steak rare.
62. Don't tell him about your allergies.
63. European women use their eyes to good advantage. Practice in front of a mirror.
64. Buy a full-length mirror and take a good look before you go to greet him.
65. Change the shade of your stockings and be sure to keep the seams straight!
66. Get that fresh-scrubbed look by scrubbing!
67. If he has bought you any trinket or accessory, wear it.
68. Use the ashtray; don't crush out cigarettes in coffee cups!
69. Polish up on making introductions; learn to do them gracefully.
70. Don't be too fussy.
71. Stick to your moral standards.
72. Don't whine - girls who whine stay on the vine!
HOW TO LAND HIM 73. Show him you can have fun on a cheap date - but don't overdo it!
74. Don't let your parents treat him like a potential husband.
75. Ask your parents to disappear when you're entertaining!
76. Double-date with a gay, happily married couple - let him see what it's like!
77. Tell his friends nice things about him.
78. Send his mother a birthday card.
79. Ask his mother for her recipes.
80. Talk to his father about business and agree that taxes are too high!
81. Buy his sister's children an occasional present.
82. On the first date tell him you aren't thinking of getting married!
83. Don't talk about how many children you want.
84. If he's a fisherman, learn to scale and clean fish.
85. Don't tell him everything about yourself at the start. Hold something in reserve.
86. When you're out strolling with him, don't insist on stopping at every shop window.
87. Don't tell him how much your clothes cost.
88. Learn to sew and wear something you have made yourself.
89. Don't gossip about him.
90. Never let him know he's the only one, even if you have to stay home one or two nights a week!
91. Don't be a pushover when he's trying to make a date.
92. Very early in your dating, why not get a favourite song that you both regard as your own?
93. Find out about the girls he hasn't married. Don't repeat the mistakes they made.
94. Don't discuss your former boyfriends.
95. If you are widowed or divorced, don't constantly discuss your former husband.
96. Be flexible. If he decides to skip the dance and go rowing on the lake, go - even if you are wearing your best evening gown.
97. Hide your Phi Beta Kappa key if you own one - later on junior can play with it.
98. Turn wolves into husband material by assuming they have honour.
99. Resist the urge to make him over - before marriage, that is!
100. Learn where to draw the line - but do it gracefully.
101. Remain innocent but not ignorant.
102. Make your home comfortable when he calls - large ashtrays, comfortable chairs.
103. Learn to play poker.
104. If he's rich, tell him you like his money - the honesty will intrigue him!
105. Never let him believe your career is more important to him than marriage.
106. Buy him an amusing or particularly appropriate present everyone once in a while. But don't make it too expensive.
107. Clip and mail him a funny cartoon that means something to both of you.
108. Don't tell dirty stories.
109. Stop being a mama's girl - don't let him think he'll have in-law trouble, even if you know he will!
110. Point out to him that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.
WILD IDEAS - ANYTHING GOES 111. Go to Yale.
112. Get a hunting license.
113. If your mother is fat, tell him you take after your father. If he's fat too, tell him you're adopted!
114. Stow away on a battleship.
115. Rent a billboard and post your picture and telephone number on it.
116. Paint your name and number on your roof and say "Give me a buzz, pilots".
117. Start a whispering campaign on how sought-after you are.
118. Sink at a fashionable beach at high noon!
119. Ride the airport bus back and forth from the airport.
120. Bribe Ferris-wheel operator to get you stuck on the top of a Ferris wheel.
121. Stand on a busy street corner with a lasso.
122. Carry a camera and ask strange, handsome men if they would mind snapping your picture.
123. Ask your mother to take in male borders.
124. Make and sell toupees - bald men are easy catches!
125. Advertise for male co-owner of a boat.
126. If you see a man with a flat, offer to fix it.
127. Carry a tow chain in the trunk of your automobile.
128. Let it be known in your office that you have a button box and will sew on bachelors' loose buttons.
129. Don't marry him if he has too many loose buttons!
One stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy avenue.
Cars quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen unconscious man's collar, a guy emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid".
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here".
AN ARSELOAD OF BUTT PICS THAT WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION WHY YOU AREN'T AT THE BEACH RIGHT NOW
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there"s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The wise old Abbess Audrey from county Clonmel was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. The nuns gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused to drink it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. She remembered that a bottle of Scotch whiskey received as a gift in the last Noel, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Abbess's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Audrey drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother" the nuns pleaded "Please give us some wisdom before you left". Old Audrey raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said "Never and ever sell that cow".
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT: THESE WOMEN WERE MARRIAGE MATERIAL
A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word typewriter.
One day the husband told his five-year-old daughter "Go tell your mummy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mum what her dad said and her mother responded "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter".
The child went back to tell her father what mummy had said. A few days later the mum told the daughter "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now".
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Its truly a pleasure doing business with them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fourth last for the year. Not that I'm counting or anything..
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will take a shit in your toilet. Good luck unclogging that fucking thing. Ray eats like you wouldn't believe. All high fat, high carb, high sugar. He's huge. Matter of fact Ray is so fat that his pronoun was 'they' long before it was popular for people to identify their gender that way.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and put your hands up in the air. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.11.15-21.25
Welcome to regular or chicken salt?
Has been a very long day/week getting this update together. Two things have happened. 1. I'm bloody thrashed. 3. The effort has paid off - this update is sick in more ways than anyone ever could or ever has possibly imagined. And that's not even overexaggerating or anything. Trust me. Matter of fact its so good that all I'm doing by continuing to talk about it is preventing you guys from the brilliance it contains. Check it...
Motorist: "What would you do if I called you a prick?" Cop, looking up from his ticket pad: "I'd have to arrest you". Motorist: "What would you do if I thought you were a prick?" Cop: "I can't do anything about what you think". Motorist: "Well then, I think you're a prick".
--
Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night. I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when i got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...
--
I'm thinking about asking my ex-wife to re-marry me. But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money.
--
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine". The Priest said "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby". The little boy replied "If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
--
Her boyfriend was dying. She was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice "There's something I must confess". "Shhh" she said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright". "No, I must die in peace" he said "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker". "I know" she whispered "That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes".
--
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
--
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 5 children, begins to call her "mother of five" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six" he would say "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of five, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out "Hey mother of five, I think it's time to go!" The wife seized the moment and shouted back "I'll be right with you - father of three!"
--
Dexter had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married. "What!" shouted the boss. "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?" "Are you nuts?" replied Dexter. "That would have ruined my whole vacation".
Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's cot. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts" she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a cot like that for only $67.50".
--
One morning a couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..." The husband says "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite". Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favourite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets...?" The husband again refuses "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra". Around dinner time, the wife tries again "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls". The husband still refuses "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite". The wife then firmly says "Well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!"
--
I told my girlfriend to stick my coke up her arse so I could smuggle it through airport customs. I didn't realise you could actually buy one in the departure lounge.
Morgan is driving past the Mental Hospital when his right rear tyre suffers a flat. While he is changing the tyre, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a taxi when he hears a shout from behind the hospital guardrail, where one of the patients has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, mate! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tyres on until you can get to a garage or something".
Morgan is amazed by the patient's seeming rationality, but he understands the plan will work, and installs the spare tyre without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid".
SOMETIMES YOU JUST FORGET TO WEAR UNDERWEAR... AND THAT'S COMPLETELY OKAY.
Edgar drank his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
And with that Edgar took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, Edgar told his wife Naomi; "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
Naomi said: "Yes, Edgar, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife".
Naomi said; "Oh honey, that's very nice".
The next day, Naomi ran into one of Edgar's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, Edgar said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Naomi?"
She replied "Yep, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him. The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the less started up a conversation.
The Australian snapped his gum and said "You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied "Of course".
The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only eat what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand".
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence. The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Kiwi replied "Of course".
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said "We don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam... and sell them to New Zealand".
The Kiwi then asked "Do you have sex in Australia?" The Australian smiled and said "Why of course we do". The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course" says the Aussie.
"We don't" says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A woman takes her miniature Schnauzer puppy to the vet, because she's concerned about its hearing. The vet checks it out and tells her that the puppy's hearing is fine, it just has an excess amount of fur in its ears. He tells her to stop at the pharmacy and get some hair remover and once a month, put a small amount of remover on a cotton swab, dab it on its ear and wipe the excess hair away.
On the way home, she stops at the pharmacy and finds some hair remover. She takes it to the pharmacy counter to check out and the pharmacist tells her "if you use this on your legs, don't wear stockings for a week". She tells him "it's not for my legs". The pharmacist reply's "then if you use it on your underarms, wear sleeveless blouses for a week" She reply's "it's not for my underarms, it's for my Schnauzer ". "oh, ok" he reply's " in that case, I recommend you don't ride your bike for a week".
My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station.
We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us.
The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun-dress; all the local women were draped in black head to toe, burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and around the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Sydney Airport.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
CLEVER AND INSIGHTFUL QUOTES ABOUT SEX
"So I'm licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, I'm turning into my mother.'" --Sarah Silverman
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes SL500". --Lynn Lavner
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people". --Chelsea Handler
"You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it". --Tina Fey
"If God's got anything better than sex to offer, he's certainly keeping it to himself". --Sting
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married". --George Burns
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation". --Lily Tomlin
"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant". --Margaret Cho
"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects". --Les Dawson
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship". --Sharon Stone
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time". --Robin Williams
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'". --Woody Allen
"Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken". --Isabel Allende
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life". --Emo Philips
"If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you". --Dorothy Parker
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps". --Tiger Woods
"Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping". --Lisa Lampanelli
"It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that it's work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me". --Amy Schumer
"The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping". --Joan Rivers
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch". --Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is". --Barbara Bush
"Studies show that about half of Americans have sex at work. Coincidentally, that's the same half that say they are happy with their jobs". --Melanie White
"You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither". --Steve Martin
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet". --Robin Williams
"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add". --Fran Liebowitz
"I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?" --Laura Kightlinger
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful". --Robert De Niro
"Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply". --Phil Proctor
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less". --Brendan Behan
"Our cat sleeps between us. We call her the Tiny Chaperone". --Emily Claire Tamblyn
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman
"I asked my wife 'On a scale from one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said 'You know I'm no good at fractions'". --Rodney Dangerfield
"I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked, I wouldn't be able to please her. So she said 'Get off me'". --Garry Shandling
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!'" --Jerry Seinfeld
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind". --Nora Ephron
"My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called
me from a motel". --Scotty Record
"My sex life is very bad. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all". --Henny Youngman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time". --Robin Williams
"In Germany police are searching for a woman who holds men at gunpoint and forces them to have sex with her. Actually, the gun isn't for the sex, it's to keep the guy around later to make him cuddle". --Jay Leno
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope". --George Burns
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom". --Joan Rivers
"Wilt Chamberlain had sex with 10,000 women, but how many of them did he truly love?
I would say 3,000 at most". --Sean O'Connor
"I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution they're going to grow up and never know what 'dirty' means". --Lily Tomlin
"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere". --Mae West
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy". --Steve Martin
"As I get older, I just prefer to knit". --Tracey Ullman
"Before casual sex, it's best not to mention to your partner that you might want to do a little tweeting afterward". --Greg Tamblyn
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading". --Emo Philips
"Women fake orgasms and men fake finances". --Suze Orman
"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom". --Joan Rivers
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same". --Oscar Wilde
"The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty". --Woody Allen
"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand". --Mae West
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee" said one.
"Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee".
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going" said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings" said one woman cheerfully "thankfully, we can all still drive".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation.
He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself. She said "I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer". He replied "Yes, ma'am, I hear that a lot".
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing - that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed "Conway Twitty!" The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said "Hello, darling!"
A FEW DOZEN CHICKS WHO LOOK SERIOUSLY AEWESOME IN LEGGINGS
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
IN GENERAL: 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
EATING OUT: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING AT HOME: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
REDHEAD ✅ GREAT BOD ✅ EXCELLENT TITS ✅ CUTE ✅ FUCKABLE ✅ FAPPABLE ✅
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives or punch yourself in the face repeatedly.
-Next update will be next Thursday... FIFTH last for the year.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will frame you for a terroistic rampage in Melbourne. He's done it before and won't hesitate to do it again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and redacted. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.11.08-20.59
Welcome to I am not a monster.
I've been getting an ever-increasing number of calls from telemarketers. "Hello Orsm? I'm THE Account Manager from Global Trading. I've received information that you're looking to become wealthy and... blah blah". Nothing new about this except the call volume. I started to think back a bit and it may coincide with research a holiday on various travel sites. Would almost go as far as to say booking.com sells your fucking personal info but honestly it could be any of them. Or more likely, all of them.
So I get a call, it comes up what country its from and I answer. I like to answer. Half the time it's silence then hang-up; the other half is some spiel as above. Sometimes I'll tell them to fuck off, or whisper "COCCCCCCK", wish them a happy day, fart, anything - then hang up. But for whatever reason, more recently I keep getting this one same girl. Four times now at least. Always down for a chat and bit of a feisty personality. She's clearly Filipino but sticks to the script that she's in an office in 'London Square in London". Haha okay and I'm up your mum's cunt.
Anyway, so the most recent call she got quite upset with being called a scammer. Spent the next few minutes calling me "fucking paranoid" because I wasn't willing to trust her with my money. Very insistent on this. Next, I was a bullshitter. After that she could 'tell I was Filipino' because of my name... and then suddenly I'm an Indian [ouch]. Her big crescendo finish was telling me Filipinos hate me and she hopes I end up poor living on the street. And then she hung up. One of the most entertaining phone calls I've had in ages. Honestly hoping she calls back again soon.
The other call which came my way this week was the ATO [Australia Tax Office] scam call. When you answer there's a pre-recorded message saying the ATO is filing a lawsuit for unpaid taxes and I'll be arrested. They give you a number to call back and tell you to pay a few thousand bucks immediately. OBVIOUS scam... but I'm suspicious, pessimistic and untrusting at the best of times. So that obvious scam, which is actually pretty convincing, must net these wankers some decent windfalls. Probably more than enough to operate large call centres full of cunts who do this all day every day.
No real point or outcome to this. No effective way to stop them and I'm not changing my number but if nothing else it was nice to know I frustrated at least one of them. Sure, she has my name, address and god knows what other personal info and could potentially do some cunty things with it. No point worrying too much about stuff you can't control though....................... right?
Alright ladies [and guys - if there are even any of you who read my site...?] its time we move on to the brand-new update. Many bothans died to bring you this absolute masterpiece of modern pornography and bastion of upper echelon entertainment; plus many other big words. Strap yourselves in - it's a big bitch. Check it...
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in any feat of strength. He made a special point of making fun of one of the older workers. After several minutes, the older man had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he challenged. "I'll bet you a week's wages that I can wheel something over to that storage shed, that you can't wheel back!" "I'll take your bet, old man" said the young hot shot. "Let's see what you've got". The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said "All right. Get in!"
--
I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?" "Democrat" he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Democrat" she said. My dog bit her as well. As I carried on, I met another man "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Republican" he said. With that my dog bit him. My dog doesn't give a crap about politics.
--
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his early-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image. Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-sixties. The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. Then he slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me... do I come here often?"
--
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture". "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman. As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again, the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan!"
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. Frank Feldman. Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time".
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody". Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy".
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special". Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right".
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then". Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman".
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his fucking widow!"
Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said "My poor friend, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and said "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Grandmother Audrey and Grandfather Russ were sitting in their veranda rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about the good old days, when Audrey turned to Russ and said "Darling, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Russ looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Audrey pressed a little farther "Darling, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Russ leaned slowly toward Audrey and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Audrey said "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Russ slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Audrey in panic panic said "Darling, where are you going?"
Grandfather Russ answered "To get my teeth!"
40 GIRLS WHO AREN'T CONCERNED ABOUT EXPOSING THEMSELVES [TO THE SUN]...
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A man goes to his Doctor as every time he farts it sounds like the word HONDA...
Doctor refers him to specialist at local Hospital, after examination the specialist says "You have a small abscess in your rectum and as you break wind the rush of wind passing over the abscess makes it sound like HONDA".
The man not satisfied asks for a second opinion. The specialist says "We have a Chinese consultant Professor Chang that you can see, the man agrees.
The next day he sees Professor Chang and explains everything about the abscess. The professor tells the man that the diagnosis is correct, as a well-known Chinese proverb says "Abscess makes the fart go HONDA".
HELP THESE GIRLS DECIDE IF THEY LOOK GOOD IN THAT !
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say 'How about a blowjob?'... and she's always sound asleep!"
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A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the manager. When the manager came, the story began.
Guest: "Is room 39 empty?"
Manager: "Yes, sir".
Guest: "Can I book it?"
Manager: "Of course you can".
Guest: "Thank you".
Before going to the room, the guest asked the manager to provide him with a black knife, a white 39cm thread and a 73g orange.
The manager agreed though he was surprised at the weird things the guest asked for. The guest went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the manager, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the manager heard strange voices and noise in that guest's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor. The manager didn't sleep that night. He kept wondering what might be going on over there.
In the morning, when the guest handed the keys to the manager, the latter asked to see the room first. He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The guest paid the bill, gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The manager was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
A year later the guest showed up again. He asked to see the manager and proceeded to ask for the same things: room 39, black knife, white a 39cm thread and a 73g orange.
This time, the manager wanted to know what the hell was going on. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the last time.
Again, before leaving, the guest paid his bill and left a large tip for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The manager started searching for the meaning of everything the guest asked for. Why did he ask room 39? Why the white thread? Why the black knife?? Unfortunately, the manager came up empty to everything.
The manager now was eagerly waiting for March, the month in which the guest shows up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same guest showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The manager again heard the same noises, this time louder than before.
In the morning, when the guest was leaving the hotel, the manager apologised politely to the guest and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
Guest: ''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
Manager: ''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
Guest: ''Swear?''
Manager: "I swear I won't reveal your secret!''
So finally, the guest revealed his secret to the manager.
Unfortunately though, the manager was a sincere person and keeps his promises. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone. When he does, I will let you know.
TATTOO'S. THEY'RE NOT FOR EVERYONE... BUT THEY *ARE* FOR THESE GIRLS...
One Sunday Preacher Fred told the community that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering box. The preacher said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering were passed, Preacher Fred looked at the box and noticed that someone had placed a thousand dollars in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his pleasure with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the parishioner who placed the money in the box.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The preacher asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
The old lady's eyes brightened as she looked over the community, pointed to the three handsomest men in the church and said "I'll take him and him and him".
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The tired-looking eyes blonde, Julie, dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They howl all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep".
"I have good news for you" the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over". "Wonderful" Julie answered "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot".
A few weeks later Julie returned, looking worse than ever. "Doctor, your plan is failed. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be" said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest sleeping pills on the market!"
"That may be true" answered the blond wearily "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
WHAT'S A BETTER SPECTATOR SPORT THAN BEACH VOLLEYBALL?
Old Gerald in his middle of nineties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife Laura, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks "Where are you going?"
Gerald replies "I'm going to the doctor".
She asks "Why? Are you sick?"
Gerald replies "No, I'm going to get me some of that Cialis stuff".
Immediately Laura starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
Gerald says "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers "I'm going to the doctor, too".
He says "Why, what do you need?"
She says "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus vaccine".
I LIKE THE ONES WHO MAYBE HAVE A FEW DADDY ISSUES...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They contravene decency but are good people.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I just wanted you to be aware of it.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will superglu you to a OTT friendly mormon.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I pretend I understand so you'll shut up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.11.01-22.00
Welcome to endless shitting.
If heaven is real then my version of what goes on up there is you can find out what goes on down here. If I make there I'll be asking one question: "All those times I got the shits/squirts/poo-poo's, who or what was responsible?" And then I'll find a way to haunt those people! Anyway.... update time. Not overselling it when I say it is amazing. Check it...
A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail" says the guy. "How's anybody supposed to get that?" scoffs the host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not just any girl, buddy" says the guy slowly. "That's Michelle".
--
Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle. Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each. When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - a six-month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great" said Tom. "I love spaghetti". "Me too" replied Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good" Harry groaned "I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper".
--
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...
--
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered. The chicken.
--
A guy tries to walk into a bar but the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!"
--
A woman was telling her friend "It was I who made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire".
--
Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise. Her boss is annoyed and asks "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you". Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so". Wife: "Oh". Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you". Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did". Wife: "Oh". Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you". The wife is obviously upset: "DID MY HUSBAND SAY THAT?" Maria: "No, Señora, the gardener did". Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
--
A guy buys a new pair of mirror-like shiny silver metallic shoes and is so happy he goes dancing at the club. To impress the women, he bets them that he can tell them their favourite colour. As he's dancing with the first woman, he astonishes her when he tells her that her favourite colour is blue. He dances with the 2nd woman and surprises her by telling her that her favourite colour is red. When he gets to the 3rd woman, he seems a bit perplexed as he's stares down at his shoes. He looks up and asks her if she is wearing any panties and she says "No, why?" and he says... "Oh good, I thought I had a crack in my new shoes".
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
--
It's a bit muggy out there". said the husband as he came in the front door. "Really? What makes you think that?" said the wife from the kitchen. "The group of blacks with knives on the corner".
--
A husband and wife decided they needed to use 'code' to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five-year-old daughter "Go tell your mummy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mum responded "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter". The child went back to tell her father what mummy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now". The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
Bubba's first military assignment was to a military induction centre, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction centre began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.
"NOW" Bubba concluded "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
A teacher starts her day with a little test. She gives her class one or two words and asks them to make a sentence or more with the word.
"Today children I am giving you two words and the words are 'Rubber Balls'. Can anyone give me a short sentence or more with the two words in it?"
"Yes Jenny?". "Jenny: "I love the rubber balls in the ball pit". "That's very good Jenny".
"Yes - Peter?" Peter: "I love rubber balls as they bounce so high". "That's very good Peter".
Little Jimmy's hand shoots up. The teacher knows little Jimmy always finds smutty answers to these little tests but she thinks to herself there can't be anything smutty to be made from the words "Rubber Balls"
"Yes Jimmy?" Jimmy: "When my dad brought his new wife back from Thailand I heard them in bed and his new wife asked him to Rubber Balls!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends thousands and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32" is the reply." "Nope! I'm exactly 50" the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile "Nope, I'm 50!"
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds "Oh, I'd say 30." Again, she proudly responds "I"m 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out "What the hell - go ahead!"
He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says "Okay, okay... how old am I?" He completes one last sweep of her clitoris, removes his hands, and says "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says "That was incredible, how could you tell?" "I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds".
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Two Americans were backpacking in Europe when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in German "Where is the nearest petrol diner?"
The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. "Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying".
The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.
The first American asked his partner "Maybe we should learn a second language".
His partner shrugged and replied "Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn't help him one bit".
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man".
She responded to my puzzled look by saying "Can't you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey". She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like it".
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
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A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the dishevelled guy turned
to the priest and asked "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
During lunch at work, I ate two plates of beans with onions. I know it is a big mistake...
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and yelled cheerfully "Honey I have a surprise for dinner tonight".
He then closed my eyes with scarf and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to opened my eyes, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the scarf until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had eaten were begin affecting me and the pressure was becoming irresistible, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not loud, but it smelled like a manure truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me strongly. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing hydrogen bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was ineffable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very comfort and glad with myself.
My face must have been like the picture of Mona Lisa when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had opened my eyes, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he opened my eyes, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused "Happy Birthday!"
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg" he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years".
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall".
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies "I'm a high-priced whore". The accountant balks and says "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that". The woman says "Okay, I'm a high-end call girl!" "No, that is still too crude. Try again".
They both think for a minute, then the woman states "I'm an elite chicken farmer". The accountant asks "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 peckers last year".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Fucking NOW!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Shitting through the eye of a needle willing.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will punch you in the dick.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and feel free to stare at my nuts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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