Welcome to I'm not going to beg to do you a favour.
Some days spiral out of control. Everything starts normally, you're doing your thing and suddenly... cluster fuck. That was Sunday. We hit the farmers market first thing for a wander, stopped at a playground to run some energy out of the little one and then home to make lunch and stuff around the house. No pressure. No plans. Just a chilled family day.
Enter pregnant [read: argumentative] GF. Oh yeah - we're expecting part 2. Basically, someone [or me] made a joke was misconstrued and escalated into argument. Happens in every relationship. I was tired and tolerance to withstand a hormonal monsters non-existent, so hit eject and bailed with a big "Fuck you!" Got in my car and calmly putted away.
Ten minutes later I'd pulled over to the side of the road to lookup something. Don't know how the rest of the world does it but the penalty for even touching your phone whilst driving here is a very clear don't-fucking-do-it $400 fine and 3 demerit points on your license. There are plenty of things I'd love to waste $400 on and quickly using an app isn't one of them. Cops are ridiculous about busting people too so it's just better to pull over should the need arise.
Anyway I see the Popo cruise past and think nothing of it because I'm stopped and that's allowed. A few seconds later I finish, put phone down and take off... and drive past the Popo who are making a U-turn. I continue on and not very long after have the same cop car up my ass, lights and sirens blaring. Zip into a carpark, jump out and ask what I've done. "This car has been reported stolen!" "Please don't tell me that crazy bitch reported it!?" I say "We just had a fight but it wasn't *that* bad!" followed by a bunch of other ways to call her nuts.
They were pretty cool actually. Had me stopped for about 10 minutes whilst checking details; swapped some pregnancy war stories and so on. Turned out only the license plates had been reported stolen (not the car) but it was more than a year ago. Their plate recognition system pinged me as they went by. Oddly, that little piece of shit car gets driven a lot and must have crossed paths with, at a minimum, dozens of cops in 15 months since it was reported yet this is the first time we've heard about it. Some may say that it was perfect timing...
The mystery is who the fuck reported the plates stolen. Definitely wasn't us so is anyone's guess. Actually my second guess was a good mate. The short version is a month or 2 back we got stuck into an amusing game of entering each other's contact details into as many places as possible. Turns out there's plenty of online forms that don't need verification meaning they can be used for evil as much as legitimate purposes and having car/boat/tractor/house/caravan/motorbike/business/farm equipment salespeople call your friends is hilarious. Erotic massages, life coaches, marriage counselling, family planning, gyms and beauty salons all got a look in too.
In the end, things got out of hand - over a couple of days I was bombarded with over a 100 telemarketer calls, debt recovery agents, insurance companies, even had a couple of Mormon missionaries drop around one afternoon for a chat. Answered every single call to explain that someone has pranked me and would they please delete my info otherwise it will be years of my details being on sold and contacted by similar companies. Surprisingly I was successful - only one call centre continued calling. But I digress... occurred to me that despite the truce it was game on again and maybe a very tame version of swatting that didn't involve actual SWAT had happened. Buuuuuuuut it hadn't. Buuuuuut it's safe to say we've all learned some techniques to easily fuck with friends and enemies.
Alright let's do the update. Occasionally it's exceptionally hard whittling down a fuckload of video clips into the 70 or so you guys get each update. This was def one of those weeks. Almost every single one of them is worth the time and effort. As are the babe galleries, and the Shite and the Orsm Archives and and and... you get my drift. Check everything. Do everything. Be glad that you did. Check it...
Thanksgiving Day is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore.
--
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs" replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well" replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day". "Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?" "Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them".
--
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says "I told you he was stupid".
--
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said "these potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles" and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" "No" she responded "they're that dirty".
--
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear" said the Queen "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that". "It's quite understandable" said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL
-If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY" do so immediately.
-Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house. -When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
-If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave. -Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
-Don't look under the bed. -Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
-If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area. -If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
-If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area. -If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
-Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed". -It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
-If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.) -When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
-Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants. -If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
-If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later. -If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.
-As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. -Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
-Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc. -Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
-If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything. -If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
-If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong". If you are in a boat, head for shore. -If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
-Do not accept/take anything from the dead. -If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
-If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave. -If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
-If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away. -Don't play with Ouija boards. If you do and the Ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
-If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately. -Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
-Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing. -Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
-If your space ship gets an alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out. -Never put your back to or lean on a door.
-Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house. -Never speak to clowns in sewers.
-Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings. -If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
-If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible. -Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
-Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. -Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
-Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock. -Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
-If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, African game hunter "USE ENOUGH GUN". -If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
-If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. -The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth. -If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.
THE MILF PHOTO MIX THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING [OR NOTHING?]
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some spice to their sexual relationship and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly frisky and he was, as usual, watching television. So she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her new undies and a slinky negligee.
She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on the arm of his chair.
"Want some of this" she purred. "Are you kidding?" he replied "Look what it did to those panties!"
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am" said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse" the farmer said "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said "The black one". "No, no, no, get the brown one" the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken" said the farmer.
HATE TO SAY IT BUT THERE'S ACTUALLY SOME VERY HOT HIPPIES...!!
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St.
Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line". And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted". and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
HIM: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
HER: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
HIM: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
HER: "No way. It's just too risky!"
HIM: "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
HER: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
HIM: "Oh, yes you can. Please?"
HER: "No, no. I just can't"
HIM: "I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for Goodness sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size".
The moral of this story is: when a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you" she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!! "You know" he said "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No" she replies "You just happened to catch my eye".
CHICKS WITH large AREOLAS previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
CHICKS WITH small AREOLAS previously on Orsm: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas". Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did".
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.64". The boss says "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer".
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekends fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"
I have a Benefit Question: Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely, Mohammed
Dear Mohammed,
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in Australia.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows incessantly on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Its not what cunts do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. December woooooo. 4th last update for the year wooooooooo.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make you wish you never fucking got up this fucking morning asshole, because Ray's gonna fuck you up! And then after that, while he's fucking up your fucking gay uncle over there, I'm gonna fucking cut off your cock and mail it to your mother, you fucking faggot bitch! You gaylord fucking bitch! How do you like that? You like that a lot you fucking faggot? You like to ass fuck? Fontanella fucking babyheads! You like to FUCK babyheads? You like to fuck BOYS? He's gonna fuck you in the ass! How do you like that? He's not even gay but he'll do it just to fuck you up!!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't listen to me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.11.17-16.47
Welcome to I am the Clit Commander.
This has been a bad week of zero concentration. Am putting it down to my shoulder/pec muscle being incredibly, distractingly sore. It's so sore that it's stealing focus from whatever else I'm trying to do... like updates. It hurts when I sit. It hurts when I exercise. It hurts when I drive the car. Apparently the combination of incredibly long hours at the PC and an incredibly bad sitting position (stretched out, feet up on the desk) is... incredibly bad. Have been told a bunch of times the best thing for me is a standing desk. Why? Because sitting in the new smoking/cancer/aids/Islam. It's not good for you. So I need to take the plunge with a motorised desk and I will... and that's despite being very attached to my current setup... and despite the same people who are telling me to change desk are the same ones who insisted I get an ergonomic chair last year which I fucking hate. Should never have given up the cushy director's chair. Ergonomic chairs are the Nando's chicken of chairs - everyone says it's awesome but in reality is grossly overpriced and disappointing in every possible way. But I digress... did you ever stop and think that if lions and tigers and elephants could talk they would probably all have those annoying African accents?
Because of this lack of concentration issue I'm not going to force a blog out of my brain. It'll waste a further 3-4 hours on top of the couple it's already taken to get the above paragraph out. Seems kind of pointless. Let's post a whole bunch of jokes instead. My narcissism isn't quite developed enough (yet) to think you fuckers won't enjoy that more than what I have to say anyway. Check it...
I was sat in a doctor's waiting room. I asked the man next to me what he was in for. He said "I stu... Hmmm... I stu... Hmmm... I stu..." "You stutter?" I said, feeling sorry for him. "No" he replied. "I stuck a piece of Lego up my bum, and it really hurts".
--
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
--
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied "Have you tried Clearasil?"
--
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free". The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you... I want to see how you survive on $400 a year!!"
--
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could".
--
A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. A gent from Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way". "Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?" "Well" the Florida gent began "there's a man and there's a woman..." "Praise Allah!!" exclaims Abdul "Number 80!"
--
A newspaper editor offered a reward for people who phoned in with news stories. The editor received a call from someone saying that a truck had lost its brakes on a hill and, after picking up great speed, had crashed into and demolished a house. "I'm not interested" he said. "That sort of thing happens all the time. It's not news". "I know what you mean and I thought you might feel that way but you'll probably be more interested..." said the caller "when I tell you that it was your house".
--
Paddy's friend Joe was taking a night course in adult education. "Who is George Washington?" he asked Paddy. "I don't know" Paddy replied. "He was the first president of the United States" said Joe. "Do you know who Lord Nelson was?" "No" said Paddy. "He was a great British Admiral" said Joe. "You see you should go to night school like I do". "Now I have a question for you" said Paddy. "Do you know who Mick O'Sullivan is?" "I don't" admitted Joe. "Well" said Paddy "he is the guy who is banging your wife while you are at night school".
A blind man walks in to a department store with his Seeing Eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around".
--
A guy sits down in a cafe and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says "The guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says "No. Help yourself". He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says "That's about as far as I got, too".
--
Two black were in a bar talking, and one says to the other "You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second black guy says "Yeah, all the time". The first one asked "Why is that?" The second says "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray".
--
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. He says "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive". The leader of the rescue team says "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT BOOBIES
-The average boob weighs 1.1 lbs (0.5kg) and contains 4-5% of the body's total fat. -40% of Australian women wear a bra with a cup size DD or larger.
-The average bra size in the U.S. is a 34DD. 20 years ago: it was 34B. -Squeezing breasts may prevent cancer. Guys who routinely fondle their partner's boobs may actually be saving their life! Apparently, applying physical pressure on the breasts can stop the rapid growth of cancer and prevent out of control cells from turning malignant. -The average erect nipple is about the same size of five stacked coins.
-Due to hormones released during ovulation, a woman's breasts are most symmetrical between days 14 and 16 of her monthly cycle. -Massaging a breast or nipple releases oxytocin to the brain, the same chemical that's released when you're hugged.
-The average U.S. woman wears a size 40D bra. This equates to about 3 lbs total or 1.5 lbs per breast. -Females have an equal chance of inheriting your chest size from either parent, which is why sister may have very different breasts sizes.
-Nipples can leak fluid, even if you're not breastfeeding. -German model Stephanie Rahn was the Sun's first Page 3 Girl, revealing a single breast in the newspaper in 1970.
-The Milky Way Galaxy is so named due to the ancient Greeks believed that it was made from a drop of milk from the breasts of the Greek Goddess Hera. -Women who get breast implants are three times more likely to commit suicide. How ironic is it that a procedure undertaken to enhance a woman's self-esteem, has resulted in a finding that women who get breast implants are at least three times more likely to commit suicide.
-In most women, the left breast is usually slightly larger than the right. This is due to the proximity to the heart. Very few women have perfectly symmetrical breasts. An up to 20 percent difference in size between the right and left breast is normal. -Boobs aren't just made of fat. They are a complex system of glands and ducts, which also includes the nipple. Underneath each breast is muscle, as well as fibrous tissue that separates it from the ribs. After a certain age however, breasts do turn into mostly fat.
-Breast milk is sweeter, has more vitamin E, more iron, less essential fatty acids and less sodium than cow's milk. -Hormones released during pregnancy can make nipples darker. They fade later.
-Sexist men prefer large breasts. A study identified a connection between sexism in men and breast size. The men were then asked to identify which women they found most attractive following which each was given a survey measuring hostility and attitudes toward women, relationships, benevolent sexism and how much a man objectified a women. The majority of men interested in large to very large breasts admitted to displaying behavioural traits of sexism and hostile attitudes towards women. -Breasts normally grow for about two to four years after a girl gets her first period.
-Pregnancy, breast-feeding, menopause, birth control pills, and even sex can cause breasts to swell. -80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size, which can lead to back pain and indigestion.
-Some women have one nipple wider than the other. It's normal. -According to a French study conducted over 15 years on women aged between 18-35, wearing a bra is completely useless for women and may actually cause more harm than good. The study claimed that those women who did not wear a bra actually benefited long term, as they were able to develop more muscle tissue, which provided natural support.
-Breast cancer is the second deadliest cancer for women. Lung cancer is the first. One in eight women will eventually be diagnosed with breast cancer. -Breasts can also grow as much as a full cup size during the menstrual cycle however in the days following, hormone levels drop and they shrink to their smallest. FU hormones!
-According to one study, some women can orgasm via breast stimulation: 1% of the women included in the study, to be exact. -Breast implants have been made out of such things as: Polyester, glass balls, ivory, ground rubber, Ox cartilage, and the most famous - silicone injections (which caused granulomas and disfigurement).
-Some women can reach orgasm just through nipple stimulation. In one study it was found that for some women self-stimulation triggered the genital sensory cortex of the brain. -Breast size is pretty much all genetics and weight. Interestingly, when women lose or gain weight, your breasts are one of the first part of the body to change.
-'Jogger's Nipple' is an all too real condition causing the nipples to become sore or even bleed caused by the friction of rubbing against fabric. -Men who like small breasts prefer a submissive partner.
-The first radical mastectomy (breast removal) was performed in the late 1800's. -One study found that when women run, regardless of size, their breasts could move up, down, and all around as much as eight inches.
-The largest breast implants in the world belong to Sheyla Hershey of Houston TX, formerly of Brazil. Her fake titties put her at an astounding 38KKK. She had to have the procedure done in her native Brazil, as the US doesn't allow that amount of silicon in a body. -Coffee can make your boobs more sensitive, according to one study about the effects of caffeine.
-27-year-old Claire Smedley hit the headlines after almost suffocating her boyfriend with her 40LL's. He fell unconscious after being smothered by her boobs during sex. That's how I want to go! -In late 19th century, Korean women would normally wear everyday clothes that exposed their breasts.
-Having a third nipple isn't uncommon. About 6% of the population has a third (or more) nipple with extra breast tissue. These extra breasts can even lactate and become sensitive during menstruation. -Poor men like big breasts while financially secure men prefer smaller breasts. A study found the amount of money a man earns has a lot to do with the size of breasts he prefers.
-In Japan, some people either tattoo or use makeup to make their nipples appear more pink. -Breastfeeding invokes in the mother the neurochemical oxytocin, otherwise known as the "love drug" which helps to focus her attention and affection on her baby. It's now been theorised that men who do nipple foreplay and stimulation during sex can make themselves more desirable.
-The first boob job surgery took place in 1962. Now it's the most popular form of plastic surgery in the United States, and has been since 2006. -The most sensitive part of the breast isn't the nipple, it's the area right above it.
-Due to the chemicals in cigarettes breaking down the body's elastin, smokers often have saggier breasts than non-smokers. -Breast milk is considered to have a sweet flavour due to the high amounts of lactose.
-In Hong Kong, you can get a degree in Bra Studies from the Hong Kong Polytechnic University. Students learn how to design and build a bra. -Hungry men desire big breasts while satiated men prefer a smaller chest. Researchers found that hungry men preferred larger breasts to those whose stomachs were full.
-There are four types of nipples: protruding, flat, puffy, and inverted. All are normal. -Approximately two million women in the United States have breast implants.
-In 2008, there were 307,230 breast enlargements performed in the US. -Men not interested in fatherhood find large breasts less attractive. A study showed that large breasts are a signal of woman's capacity and ability to bear and nurture children.
-The reason that the original Lara Croft had such large breasts is that the size was accidentally set to 150% by designer, Tony Gard. The rest of the crew convinced him to keep it that way. -The largest natural breasts in the world belong to Norma Stitz of the USA. She has a 70 inch chest; a bra size of 102ZZZ. She suffers from gigantomastia, which is a slow but steady growth of breast and fat tissue.
-Men have nipples because all foetuses start out as females. -Chinese women who regularly eat mushrooms and drink green tea daily have 89% less risk of developing breast cancer than those who consume neither.
A travelling salesman was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out" said the traveller "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality".
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie" shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality". The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal. Jeannie girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now" said the Highlander "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality".
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality" he roared "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor".
It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs". This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
36 GIRLS CAUGHT IN COMPROMISING YET COMPLETELY NATURAL POSITIONS
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Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the builders crew, all of them typical 'gems-in-the-rough', adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during smoko and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her pay to the bank to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us". "Oh my goodness gracious" said the teller "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied "I will, if those fuckers down at Bunning's ever deliver the fuckin' timber..."
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down. The man already sitting down says "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says "Well it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one!"
The first guy replies "Wow, this is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and wanted to say to my wife 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said "You ruined my life you evil, self-centred, fat-assed bitch".
36 girls whose DARK NIPPLES aren't all they have going for them
DARK NIPPLE GALLERIES previously on Orsm: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
An old Italian man lived alone out in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work since the ground was so hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was away in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area of the old man's garden - without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by".
"No" he said "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar" she responded.
"I mean" he continued "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents".
He said "Do you have a real grudge?" "No" she replied "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one".
"Please" he tried again "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes".
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes" she responded "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do".
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce" she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me".
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims "I want to join your club".
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies "Yep... my bike is parked over there" and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies "Yep... I'll drink any man in your club under the table".
The biker asks "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool".
The biker is very impressed and asks "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says "Nope... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. The SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. It's what I'd be doing if I was/wasn't you right now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Didn't you already know this though? Why the fuck am I telling you again then...? Fuxake.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will tell people that your mums cunt stinks... and back it up with "smell my fingers" proof.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and simply ignore people who like you to make them try harder for you to like them again. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.11.10-17.10
Welcome to Fact: Mormon girls have hairy pussies.
Some random thoughts.
-Did something happen in America this week?
-Surely being upset that a woman wasn't elected president is sexist?
-If I wasn't in Australia I would have a hard time believing just how invested Aussies were.
-Not sure how many times I've seen there "So excited for the season finale of America" joke but it is a lot. A very lot.
-Did the pollsters who adamantly predicted a Hillary win happen to work in banking pre-GFC?
-Maybe it's not as bad as 7B political experts (who don't live in America) think it is.
-Maybe Hillary will have been way worse.
-Maybe he'll do a really good job.
-If not, think of all the memes we'll get during his presidency!
-We just need to get the almanac back from Biff and everything will go back to normal.
And that's about all. The world doesn't need one more idiot with a blog explaining how a Trump win impacts them. Except to say tha... hah... just jokes. I'm just glad the absurdly long election campaign is finally over and the world can get back to important things such as viewing pornog and tagging mates in 'Tag A Mate Who' pics on Facebook.
Moving on. Can't say it's been a terribly exciting week in my life. We are still very much in spring mode and heavily focused on doing shit around the house. Admittedly that never changes. Whatever, don't judge, fuck up. Anyway... Saturday... due to our car being at the mechanics we were down to one. Had expected this to be little inconvenient if not overwhelmingly annoying - while the GF went off to do whatever, I'd be stranded or vice versa so took a very long early morning walk to go borrow one. Walks are enjoyable and healthy plus some other adjectives but holy fucking shit the flies are already too much. Ever see those crazy people in the street flailing their arms around like a maniac? They aren't crazy, they just hate flies touching them. I hate flies touching me. And if it's not the flies then keep a sharp eye out for magpies. It's still nesting season and the mummy magpies are only too happy to take out the eyes of anyone silly enough to be walking down the street minding their own business.
But I digress. What I meant to say was: walked, borrowed car, drove home, didn't need to use it for rest of the weekend.
Saturday was the hottest day we've had in 27,268 years... or since last summer. I can't remember which. Def wasn't going to waste it staying indoors so spent a few hours at the neighbours fixing their irrigation. The reasons why this shit falls to me are many and probably do warrant some exploration however can best be summed up as: sooner or later it was going to be my problem. Unsurprisingly, this act of goodwill was later met with complaints about having to spend money to repair than it was gratitude. Should have seen that coming. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 27,268 times shame on me.
We hit our local Bunnings bright and early Sunday. On the list was paint, painting stuff, seedlings and irrigation parts. The goal was to paint a single wall a different colour. Cleared out the room in question, masked up, did the undercoat then headed outside to do other stuff for a couple while it dried. Then back in to do the first coat of colour, outside again to mow lawn and mulch the garden. Then back in to do the final coat of colour. And that was basically a whole day. Exhausted after a very active weekend there wasn't much left to do except head to the pub and drink a couple of quiet beers whilst destroying a burger. Weekend goals complete.
Alright. Let's do update. I'm very sure you guys'll be happy to peruse anything that isn't election coverage so grab your rubber gloves, a fuckload of lube, cover the floor in plastic sheets and get ready for Orsm update brilliance. Check it...
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
--
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied "No" and the duck said "Good! Got any grapes?"
--
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it". Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25". The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh".
--
A man calls emergency: "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It's OK, I found another one!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realises his absent mindedness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer. "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" the tourist yelled back.
One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all.
Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked: "Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied "Oh no, not at all. I lived in California and this weather is just like a typical July day".
Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the man "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in California. I'm coping it just fine".
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero.
As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Californian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "Trump has won! Donald Trump has won the Election!"
President Trump goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100".
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want The Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100!?"
The American Diplomats replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".
36 GIRLS WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE [IS ON THEIR KNEES!]
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HERE ARE SOME INCREDIBLY USEFUL PHRASES YOU CAN USE WHEN IN THE WORKPLACE...
-If you don't know what it is, call it an "issue". -If you don't know how it works, call it a "process".
-If you don't know whether it's worth doing, call it an "option" -If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a "challenge" or an "exciting opportunity".
-If you want to confuse people, ask them about "customers". -If you don't know how to do something "empower" someone else to do it for you.
-If you can't take decisions "create space" for others to operate. -If you need a decision, call a "workshop" to "network" and "ground the issue" followed by an "away day" to "position the elephant in the room" and achieve "buy-in".
-Never criticize or boast, call it "information sharing". -Never call something a failure or mistake, it's a "positive learning experience".
-Never argue, have an "adult conversation".
HERE ARE SOME HELPFUL WAYS TO GET ALONG AT THE WORKPLACE...
-If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. -A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
-Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. -It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
-After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. -The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
-You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat. -Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
-When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. -If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. -Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
-Everything can be filed under "pending". -Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. -Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
-Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. -If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
-You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. -People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. -At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. -Following the rules will not get the job done.
-Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. -When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?".
-No matter how much you do, you never do enough. -The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods.
They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?" The older boy replied "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon".
At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. verything was quiet until their father finally said "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth". "Ah yes!' said the farmer "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!"
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess". "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good!" said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched". "That was a fine story Lucy!"
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!"
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from my Aunt when she's been drinking".
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken".
Well well well... well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well... well...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. The SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives before Trump builds the wall and you can't cross over to see them anymore.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you know what day that is?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will keep rigging elections. We warned you last time but you didn't listen...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and just hold your donkey's. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.11.03-18.21
Welcome to people who object to things because they think it makes them look smart.
What really grinds my gears is spring. Don't get me wrong - I haven't spent months lamenting the depressiveness of winter only to finally get the warmer weather and longer days then immediately start complaining. Well maybe I have... and that makes me a sociopath or some other type of path. The earlier sun rises is what's fucking me. If the light creeping in at 5am doesn't cut short my slumber you can sure as hell bet some annoyingly happy birds will with their stupid tweeting noises will. There is at least a huge upside and that's exercise. It's ultra-conducive to getting outside and after a long winter of being nailed over and over by cold's/flu's/ailments I've been absolutely desperate to have movement back in my life. Oh and would you look at that... sounds like a good argument for daylight saving but NOPE not in little old Western Australia. There was some talk of it however both sides of politics shut that shit down quick-smart because we're a nanny state after all and farmers shouldn't have to wake up earlier to milk the cows and everyone's curtains will fade and and and...
Moving on. Did you know that the most disgusting creatures on the planet are children? Witnessed it firsthand at a soft play thing following the kid around. 'Soft play' is basically just an obstacle course that little ones can navigate without hurting themselves when they hilariously fall off because it's all padded. There's lots of kids of varying ages from 0 to 4 or whatever. The younger ones tend to slobber shit up. Teething I suppose. Not unusual to see little 'drip' spots as you go around.
Anyway... as we approached one of the obstacles I noticed a large pile of drool. Big enough that if you sat in it, it'd be the worst thing that ever happened. Big enough that if an adult did that at a gym without wiping down there would some pretty hurtful Instagram posts from other gym members. As I direct my toddler around a little girl comes out of nowhere, drops straight to her knees and slurps the whole lot up. Didn't even pause to think about it. As if this was not abnormal. It's anyone's guess what you could catch from eating a random baby's saliva pile on a filthy padded mat and can't even imagine what horrific bugs and diseases get walked in, dragged in, shared across the floor of a gymnasium. And where was the mummy during this act of thirst quenching madness? Nearby, nose buried deep in her phone, completely oblivious.
Weekend. Much to be done and was done. Saturday was, of course, rained out which restricted activities indoors. Found a box of hard drives from my old computers; most of them failed so tried a few different methods to retrieve data from them. Ended up being a huge waste of time and didn't come up with anything useful. They were subsequently returned to the box and put back in a cupboard to be rediscovered in years to come. I'll probably just plug them in and see if any data can be recovered...
Sat night, went to see that film with Marky Mark about the BP Oil disaster. TL;DR oil leaked into the ocean.
Unconscionably early start Sunday. Beautiful sunny morning, we headed for the farmers market. Didn't do much there except take it all in and wonder who in their right mind would actually pay $6 for a sausage roll... after not asking how much the sausage rolls were before saying "One of those please". Next was the local Bunnings to find a couple of plants. Unsuccessful we took off to the plant nursery, found what I was looking for and returned home to garden. Sure enough, a second Bunnings run was required and that turned out to be a critical error. Anyone non-Aussies who're wondering - Bunnings is our biggest hardware retailer. They are insanely popular to the point of almost having a monopoly. And on a warm spring day its chaos. People are feral. All the various departments are feral. The carpark is feral. It's just gross and to be avoided... unless you need like 2 tiny thingamajigs to finish whatever project you've embarked upon. So I braved the insanity, got my thingamajigs plus a few thingamabobs and am now a little bit closer to having all the gardening and irrigation sorted ready for a summer of high water use.
I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
--
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
--
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff". "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off". "Thanks, boss" says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
--
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act". "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it then". The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
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YOU'RE AN 80'S CHILD IF...
-You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. -You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
-You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans. -You know all the words to "Funky Cold Medina" and "Bust a Move".
-You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once. -You know the profound meaning of ''Wax on, Wax off.''
-You can name at least half of the members of the elite ''Brat Pack.'' -You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours.
-You would never admit to that now. -You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
-You know that another name for a keyboard is a ''Synthesizer.'' -You hold a special place in your heart for ''Back to the Future.''
-You know where to go if you ''Wanna go where everybody knows your name.'' -You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
-You know what ''Sike'' means. -You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants.
-You wanted to be a Goonie. -You owned an extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and Troll Dolls.
-You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played ''Sam'' to be. -You ever wore fluorescent-neon or Hypercolour clothing...
-You could break dance, or wished you could. -You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
-You know all the words to ''Ice Ice Baby''. -You remember MC hammer well; fondly.
-You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" -You own any cassettes or cassingles.
-You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon. -You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from PizzaHut.
-Poltergeist freaked you out. -You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
-You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. -You wanted to have an alien like Alf living in your house.
-You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish. -You wore tights under shorts and felt stylish.
-You ever had a Swatch Watch. -You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
-You had Wonder Woman or Superman underwear. -You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
-You believed that ''By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power'' -You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
-Partying ''like it's 1999'' seemed SO far away!
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR previously on Orsm: #3 - #2 - #1
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says Gerry "Put dem in a peeper bag". The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good" replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me!"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis". Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shootin' nider!"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding!"
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.
When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge.
As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realised that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.
Gasping for breath, she replied "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"
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SAYS: "This should be taken care of right away". MEANS: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself".
SAYS: "Welllllll, what have we here..." MEANS: "Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
SAYS: "We'll see". MEANS: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance".
SAYS: "Let me check your medical history". MEANS: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you".
SAYS: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week". MEANS: "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit".
SAYS: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor". MEANS: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees".
SAYS: "Hmmmmmmmmmmm". MEANS: "Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt".
SAYS: "We have some good news and some bad news". MEANS: "The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it".
SAYS: "Let's see how it develops". MEANS: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured".
SAYS: "Let me schedule you for some tests". MEANS: "I have a 40% interest in the lab".
SAYS: "I'd like to have my associate look at you". MEANS: "He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune".
SAYS: "How are we today?" MEANS: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell".
SAYS: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug". MEANS: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea".
SAYS: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call". MEANS: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself".
SAYS: "That's quite a nasty looking wound". MEANS: "I think I'm going to throw up".
SAYS: "This may smart a little". MEANS: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues".
SAYS: "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" MEANS: "I can't remember your name, nor why you are here".
SAYS: "This should fix you up". MEANS: "The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms".
SAYS: "Everything seems to be normal". MEANS: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all".
SAYS: "I'd like to run some more tests". MEANS: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one".
SAYS: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" MEANS: "He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees".
SAYS: "Why don't you slip out of your things". MEANS: "I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow".
SAYS: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment". MEANS: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week".
SAYS: "There is a lot of that going around". MEANS: "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Um, yeah... so" the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer.
Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No" the inmate said "just get it over with".
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions".
The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead" said the guard. The inmate started "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber. There follows a tense minute of silence. Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse".
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house.
Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the Yellow Pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over.
When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes.
First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyses the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away.
The lady asks "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot the fucking dog!"
Mr. Bradley and his wife have moved to a new apartment in a new building on the 11th floor. The building wasn't yet completed since the elevator wasn't yet installed so they had to take up the furniture through the emergency stairway. With difficulties and sweat, and by the end of the day, they managed to complete the task.
Mrs. Bradley wanted to do laundry so she asked Mr. Bradley to be a good boy and go down to Mr. Peabody's new store and buy her soap detergent. Mr. Bradley went down the stairway from the 11th floor and entered Mr. Peabody's new store.
Mr. Bradley: "Hello Mr. Peabody. I would like some soap detergent for my wife".
Mr. Peabody: "What brand name is your washer machine?"
Mr. Bradley: "Why?? I don't know... Why?"
Mr. Peabody: "I can't sell you soap detergent unless you told me the make of your washer machine. I have a store to run and I care about its reputation, Mr. Bradley".
Mr. Peabody continued to refuse to sell Mr. Bradley soap detergent unless he told him the make of his washer machine. So Mr. Bradley became very angry and had to leave and go all the way back up the stairway to get what Mr. Peabody wanted. When he found out the brand of his washer machine, he went back all the way down and told Mr. Peabody the his washer machine's make was (GENERAL ELECTRIC).
Mr. Peabody: "What's the voltage? Is it 110 or 220 volts?"
Mr. Bradley: "I don't know and I don't care! Just sell me the stupid detergent!!"
Mr. Peabody: "I can't... I just can't risk the reputation of my new store. You have told tell me the voltage of your washer machine".
So, angrily, Mr. Bradley had to go all the way back up to find out the voltage. As he was going down the stairway, sweating like a dog, he met one of his neighbours, Sam. Sam was naked waist down, and very angry, carrying a toilet seat and going down the stairs also sweating like a dog.
Mr. Bradley: "SAM..!! What in the world is going on? Why are you naked waist down and carrying a toilet seat?"
Sam: "Leave me alone Mr. Bradley... I'm very angry right now and don't feel like answering!!"
Mr. Bradley kept insisting on Sam to tell him, but Sam kept quiet and was getting angrier until they both entered Mr. Peabody's store.
Sam quickly went in, very angry and stood in the middle of the store and yelled as loud as he could saying: "Well Mr. Peabody... Here's my toilet seat and also here's my ass... NOW... WOULD YOU PLEASE SELL ME MY TOILET PAPER??"
If you read all this you're probably wondering the same thing I did - why!?
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. You can choose not to but know that we'll murder your whole fucking family if you don't.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Definitely maybe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will do and say some incredibly risque stuff that will indeed tempt fate... on your behalf. If anything bad happens as a result of Ray's shit it will impact only you. Negatively.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your laces tight. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
