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| orsmupdate 2010.11.25-21.36 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. David Brent is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility.
One month until Christmas, slightly less than that until I draw curtains for the year. As ridiculous as it sounds, the only real concern going forward is that plans for Xmas Day haven't and apparently cannot been finalised. I need some sort of vague idea so I can commit to other events. If not, stuff will get locked in and conflicts will undoubtedly arise. Post hoc ergo propter hoc. There's also the fractured relationships factor - it would be highly unusual if there weren't already several issues to be dealt with so everyone can be happily placed in the same room together but we're well past that point. It amazes me how petty bullshit gets in the way of something as simple as a lunch but year in, year out there's a clash or an "I'm not going if such-and-such is there" or whatever. Honestly can't everyone just fucking get along...?
Stupid idea of the week goes to the Greens Party who wants laws enacted to drop the standard working week from 38 to 35 hours. Firstly, who the fuck voted for these people? Their plan, from what I can gather, is aimed at promoting more family and leisure time and creating employment. Secondly, I say we bump it up to 45 hours. It would instil a strong work ethic on the entire country that will filter down through the generations. I can think of countless cohorts that work long hours and just as many who choose to work substantially less. Who do you think is happier? You really have to wonder if the oldies of today, the pensioners you hear call into talkback radio complaining that the government doesn't hand over enough cash, are the ones who waddled through their lives not bothering to work hard, do overtime or contribute.
Moving on. Schoolies, if you didn't know, is a kind of rite of passage for Aussie highschoolers once final year exams are done. They head for various spots around the country to party it up en masse. Think Spring break. It's been a few years since I had my turn but how times have changed. Nowadays the cops and even media [looking for any story to scare already worried parents] are out in force. There are strict no alcohol policies [booze confiscated on sight], sniffer dogs to keep drugs under control, events are organised to contain the Schoolies to certain areas where they can be closely managed and there's now the 'Toolies' who are beyond school aged crew apparently looking to pray on the young'uns.
We hit Rottnest Island for our Schoolies - 45 mins by ferry we took as much beer and spirits as it was possible to carry. When we ran out it was as simple as riding to the pub for more. The cops were few and far between and I don't remember seeing a single news camera. Funnily enough no one died or got into a fight or had any problems except maybe for a few broken hearts. So why has it changed so much? I can't figure out if it's 17 year-olds who are stupider/wilder/looser than we were or are the police and locals less tolerant.
Okay let's move on to me and what's been going on. I'm already running short on space so let's see if I can condense an absolutely awesome weekend down. Beginning with Friday...
Friday was frickin' hot. Think it got to 39°C [102°F] which was nasty but topped off superbly with sunset fish and chips at the beach. Quite incredible how many other people had the same idea so it was damn busy but on the plus side - bikinis. Back to the beach first thing Saturday, this time with the dog and the first time since last summer ended. Good to get my feet in the sand again but may be less frequent due to the exorbitant cost of getting the dog washed. $19 now compared to $10 when we started going seven years ago. Inflation much? Oh and before anyone says it - because she's a long-coat and it takes me forever to get the sand out of my car.
Scored an invite to a charity dinner that night. Initially hesitant to go, the lure of free food and booze proved too much to decline. It was at a city hotel so caught a cab and met my friends there. The table ended up being me and eight [I was told to say] 'hot' girls. They actually were but whatever. Anyway it ended up being a bloody great night - ran into some school friends I haven't seen in years and even extended family too. The only downside was not getting to have a little chat to the Police Commissioner who was in attendance. I'm not a huge fan of the insane ideas the cops come out with at times but with the Commish on rocking keyboards on stage most of the night the opportunity never presented itself... plus I was very drunk and it would have been embarrassing.
Speaking of drunk... not sure what I was thinking later that night. Got home and realised my PC was having issues. It wouldn't start so instead of saving it for tomorrow I crawled under the desk, unplugged everything, pulled the case out and opened it up, swapped the RAM around, put everything back together and checked my email. All in the dark too... why all in the dark you ask? Because it was too much effort to get up and switch on a light. Go figure.
Alright enough of that. If you were smart you stopped reading after 'Welcome to Orsm.net' and scrolled down to here where I say check it...
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It's Game Time - Buried Alive - Beer Goggles - Disturbing - Gaga Cutie - Unfknblvbl - That Ass!! - Homemade Sex
Subway Flasher - Turkey Day Facts - Mad Soccer Skillz - Raunchy - Drunk Bitch - Improv Dating - Capri Anderson
Princess Bride - Whoa Momma - Cute Titties - Sexy & Funny - Ass Shower - Angry Birds - Adriana Lima - Beatdown
Just remember... if the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving...
--
Went to my girlfriend's funeral yesterday. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable bastards.
--
I hear that Kate Middleton's wedding present from the Queen will be a Mercedes and a City Break to Paris.
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What do Kate Middleton and Dodi Al Fayed have in common? They've both had their finger in Diana's ring.
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I'm fuckin' knackered. I've been out in the garden for 5 hours painting all the rocks white just in case my new Paki neighbour wants a snowball fight this winter.
--
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
ORSM
VIDEO
THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
MY DEAR HUSBAND, I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone.
Regards, Your EX-Wife.
PS. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to away together! Have a great life!
DEAR EX-WIFE, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was "You look just like a guy!" Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
| AMY, JAMIE & CASSIA |
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INSULTS GLORIOUS INSULTS
Insults from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words...
-The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
-A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
-"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr
-"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill
-"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
-"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
-"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
-"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain
-"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde
-"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend... if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response.
-"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
-"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright
-"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" -Irvin S. Cobb
-"He is not only dull himself. He is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
-"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
-"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
-"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker
-"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
-"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork" -Mae West
-"Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
-"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang
-"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
-"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx.
-Evelyn Waugh on Randolph Churchill who was recovering from having a non-malignant tumour removed surgically: "What a marvel is modern medicine that it could find the only part of him that wasn't malignant and remove it."
ORSM
VIDEO
DIFFICULT NEIGHBOURS AND COUNCIL TAX
A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.
Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control.
I hate living near Windsor Castle.
| SMALL BOOBS |
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not... it's only 2130 now."
| THE RIO CARNIVAL |
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READER MAIL
You guys were slightly more subdued
this week with your attempts to make my inbox explode. Does that mean what you'll find below sucks? No. We're all about quality today. Like a fine red wine, or hot naked chick with huge cans.
If you would like to have
your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email
then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and make
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shit Pick
Yes, I omit the "e" because that's how it is spelled. This photo is typical of what you may find on any given week at the University of California at Davis. I graduated there a few years back and only wish I had examples of the other things I remember seeing that were far more asinine that what you see here. Proud to say that this liberal campus embraced the nut jobs we all can truly be, like having 5 times more parking spots for bicycles than vehicles. Leave out the details and keep publishing your quality product.
The question is why? Is it boredom, a social experiment, a misguied attempt to seem smart, a way to meet girls or just a ploy to end up in RS? -Orsm |
Rick wrote:
Subject: The Russian Approach to Piracy
This videotape shows Russian Navy commandos on a Somalian pirate ship shortly after the pirates had captured a Russian oil tanker. The Euro Union navy that patrols these waters would not interfere because they feared there could be casualties. All speaking is in Russian with a single exception of when a wounded pirate says something in English. If you don't understand Russian, the pictures speak for themselves. The soldiers freed their compatriots and the tanker. The Russian Navy Commandos moved the pirates back to their own (pirate) ship, searched the pirate ship for weapons and explosives, and then they left the ship and exploded it with all remaining pirates hand-cuffed to it. The commandos sank the pirate ship along with the pirates and without any court proceedings, lawyers etc. That is, they used the anti-piracy laws of the 18th and 19th centuries where the captain of the rescuing ship had the right to decide what to do with the pirates. I would think from now on, Russian ships will not be targets for Somalia pirates. |
justin wrote:
Subject: Genius..............
Saw this the other day..... Absolutely brillaint idea by the teachers. Now, how can we get an extra day off????? Get the kids to be aboriginal for a day..... Put a skeleton relief staff on.... And off to the beach we go...... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fan aprons
Hey dude, love the site, found this on a comp I was fixing - thought you may like for random shite? keep up the good work, and, keep all details private please..
I know fanny has a different meaning in different parts of the world but in Australia it means vagina. -Orsm |
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Eug wrote:
Subject: Best Door handles for Random Shite!
Dear ORSM. found these great door handles in a cafe in Taiwan! Cheers |
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Lucas wrote:
Subject: Dental Surgeon from Worcester, Western Cape
[Translated] Blabsie (far right) gave me good if I asked him his business will be advertised, so the vriendelikke request that you contact him to visit 7 days a week. Special discounts if you first adjust to correct! Do not ask where he gets his inventory ...!!!!! |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: mother in law
My mother-in-law died tragically yesterday, whilst on her way to do a little shopping. I will therefore need to take a few days off. A photo of the accident is attached so you know I am not just taking a "sickie". Yours sincerely. |
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nathan wrote:
Subject: another pic for the site.
Maybe this restaurant coulda picked a better name for one selection, great food though. Second pic is a local Huntsman spider, male and a bit smaller than the females, but fast enough to chase you out of a room at a fast walking pace (no joke, they do chase you). As always, love the site and can hardly wait for the next update each week. |
Michael wrote:
Subject: Shaver Shop catalogue..... WTF?
saw this in a recent Shaver Shop Xmas catalogue... couldnt help but laugh. hope you find it funny too. please hide info. cheers |
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Søren wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Wondering about the fish in this lake |
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Phil wrote:
Subject: Opps at Sandown
G'day Almighty Orsm thought this could sneak in. For Sale: Slightly used Commodore, only driven Sunday. No roadworthy. Can arrange delivery.
Video can be seen here. -Orsm |
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terry wrote:
Subject: For Sale
Island for sale. 74,000sq km. €900bn ono.
Probably Ireland's only hope it seems... -Orsm |
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Thanh wrote:
Subject: The Dogs Bollocks
I somehow don't think this is what they meant when they coined the phrase. Dog meat market in south China. We were walking around the market and sniggered at the main nut (the cock on the left). The butcher then proceeded to reach under the table and produce a few more (the three on the right), wave them in our faces and plonk them down with their companions. It was memorable to say the least. Enjoy. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skype rocks!
Not much of a story behind this one, only just become a user of Skype, but hope all you Orsm fans love these.... ENJOY. hold details |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Halloween haunt pics
Hello Mr. Orsm! Worked part-time at a local haunted attraction here in Kansas City, Missouri. Here are a few pics of me getting ready for the evenings... Made the brains myself out of liquid latex and a jello mold, made it a little too thick, so they didn't look quite right on my head, but it was good enough to get the effect, and good for a few screams and "eewwww, gross!!" comments, especially when I would appear to stick my finger in my brains and lick them off... Next year I'm going to make them a little better... Anyway, thought you might want to share them. No info, please.... |
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Rene wrote:s
Subject: Illustrations
Hey I made these illustrations and they told me they would feature them here. But you can show them too just plug the link and as soon as I make more I'll send you some too!! |
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martti wrote:
Subject: sum funny pix...lol
I think these r kinda funny, seem while working at the store. |
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Jared wrote:
Subject: Girl Pics
Hi Mr. Orsm, I found these and wanted to share. First time contributor, long time viewer.
Needs more nudity. -Orsm |
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justin wrote:
Subject: Cable Car
Cable Car to the Top of the World... |
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gordon wrote:
Subject: New Pics
Some pics of a VERY sexy girl I was banging.
Fucking incredible bod. -Orsm |
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justin wrote:
Subject: Probably the best thing you will listen to today....
Worth a listen and I recon it will make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. This was played at the Anzac service at Robina on the Gold Coast in Queensland. If anyone had told me that there was a possibility of merging The Last Post and Waltzing Matilda I'd have scoffed at the thought. However, this is beautiful. This version is played by The Australian Army band. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emergency Landing
Hello Mr. orsm sent this video from Puerto Vallarta Mexico is something that happened at the airport, please ask to hide my data |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Done, and done well.
One idiot chic, one webcam, one internet connection. No details please.
An unmemorable fuck for sure. -Orsm |
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the hospital accountant and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A couple of weeks after returning home from a holiday in the Orient a guy starts to experience numbness in his penis along with a horrible smelling discharge. So he goes to see his family doctor. He undergoes an exam and the doctor takes some blood samples.
The doctor tells the guy "I'm sorry to say you have contracted a rare venereal disease for which there is only one cure and that is to cut your penis off." Horrified, the guy asks for a second opinion and is sent to a specialist.
The specialist does his exam and takes more blood samples. Finally, he tells the guy "I'm afraid the only cure is penal amputation."
The guy is frantic. He decides to see an oriental doctor because after all he had contracted the disease in the Orient.
So he goes to a doctor of oriental orientation. The doc does the exam and takes blood tests. He then tells the guy that he has contracted a rare and serious venereal disease. The guy says "I know that! My family doctor and a specialist both told me the only cure was to cut my penis off"
The oriental doctor just laughed. "All western doctors are the same" he says "All they ever want to do is cut things off!" The guy is instantly relieved. "You mean to say you don't have to guy my prick off?" "Of course not!" says the doctor "Just wait a few days and it'll drop off by itself!"
| JESSICA LYNN |
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball." Man "That's nice." Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks." Boy "My Dads outside." Man "OK, how much?" Boy: "$25."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy "Dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$75." Man "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy "$100." The Dad says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again..."
| TYLAR JACOBS |
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long... easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say, "Its okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the buggy, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks lady," said the grandfather "but I'm William... the little bastard's name is Kevin."
ORSM
VIDEO
Well dudes that's all from me. Much love and a significant chunk of my life went into this update so I sincerely hope it didn't suck. Now before you go, this:
- Check out the site archives. They're palpable.
- Next update will be at a day after Wednesday but before Friday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will inject your Thanksgiving turkey with full-blown Aids.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems be excellent to each other and party on dudes! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.11.18-21.18 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I knew it was a joke... I just didn't get it right away.
Safe to say the hot weather has arrived... despite rain forecast next week. With 37°C [99°F] today and 39°C [102°F] expected tomorrow it's frustrating to be stuck inside putting the update together and for this I blame you, the surfer. Feels to me like it's here earlier than usual too which may be a sign that it's going to be a ridiculously ridiculous summer. Bring it on.
Think I'm just going to jump straight into some sort of 'the week that was' thing. Had a whole bunch of possible things to crap on about that covered everything from complex social issues to politics to climate change but I'm tired and the brainpower just isn't there... plus the people who care what I think are far outweighed by those who don't so....
Saturday was jam-packed and started with a vigorous solo walk around the neighbourhood. Why solo? Because my hairy sidekick has decided she's no longer interested in daily exercise. If I try taking her, we'll get a few hundred metres down the road before she lies down and won't budge until I say "Alright let's go home". Can't nail down the exact reason but it's somewhere between soreness, tiredness, age, boredom, laziness or a combination of and as she can't speak I'll probably never know.
Following that was a trip to the hardware store to buy an ironing board and return some stuff I had inadvertently stolen the week before - I'd bought a bundle of what I thought was five of these aluminium strip thingies... was actually ten and neither the cashier nor I had realised. The returns girl was genuinely surprised and congratulatory when I explained. Thankfully wasn't the Ray Mickelberg ending.
From there it was home to iron [press?]. I fucking hate ironing with all my being which explains why I don't [or at least didn't] own an ironing board. That is truly one of the best perks of my job - no shirts or ties or uniforms or suits or shit like that ever. I'm living the dream of shorts and t-shirts. Anyway that more or less swallowed the next couple of hours trying to de-wrinkle two pairs of pants and two shirts for the day ahead.
Ah the day ahead... also known as the ninth and final wedding for the year. Fairly decent way to end the run too. The ceremony was in a church I never knew existed, smack bang in the CBD and although it lasted for just on an hour, was actually quite good. I'm prone to just phasing out with these things but the priests message made a lot of sense. Tickle me surprised.
It was home afterwards to work for a couple of hours before picking up various family members... almost that is. Here's a tip: I'm impatient so if you really want to annoy me, make me wait. Knowing my fam as I do, various strategies are implemented to manage them and by default my associated rage. I went with... "I'll be back here at 5. Be ready". Roll up at 5.15pm.... aaaand they're not even close. Did not see that coming. I storm around for a while, swear, abuse and depart alone half an hour later with a "Catch you losers there". Honestly I'll never be able to understand how anyone can't be ready for anything in two hours. Add to the fact it's a wedding - invites went out months ago. Absolutely fucking mystifying.
The reception was great. One thing about Italians... they'll never let you go hungry or thirsty. Another thing... they dress well and their women are not. Particularly enjoyed the speeches too - have heard some shockers this year but you can't go wrong when speaking from the heart.
I'm pretty sure that covers all friends and family who are or were engaged and none spring to mind who'll be taking the plunge anytime soon. We can extrapolate from this that 2011 will year of the baby. And what does that mean? More fucking present buying. REALLY need to figure out a way to recoup the dollars forked out. I must be a scary figure what presents, clothes, two trips down south, plus sundries for nine weddings has blown out to and I really don't want to know.
Woke up unnecessarily early Sunday. Someone please remind me to put some curtains somewhere because the ever-earlier sunrise is dragging me up with it. Not wanting to waste the morning, headed outside to wash the car. From there it was off to meet friends for dim sum, then past to see another mate stuck at work before an afternoon cruise down the coast. Would have been quite happy to stay in that night but it was back to do the family thing in the form of a birthday dinner. HBD Biz. In closing, a damn good weekend.
Okay let's get on with it. There's more love than you'll get from an expensive prostitute in this week's update and I know this because the hours involved putting everything together were extreme. Go see for yourself. Check it...
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God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head and said "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot there!" "I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there and banged some Jewish girl... they're STILL talking about it!"
--
What's big, long and hard and makes women have sex with me? A knife.
--
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
--
I was brought up by strict Catholic parents who made me believe that my penis was dirty and evil... which if anything meant I was grateful when my uncle would lick it clean when he used to babysit.
ORSM
VIDEO
EVEN MORE USELESS TRIVIA
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
After the Civil War the U.S. sued Great Britain for damages that were caused by them building ships for the Confederacy. They originally asked for $1 billion but settled on $25 million.
Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: indivisibility.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
The Mongol emperor Genghis Khan's original name was Temujin.
The first word spoken by an ape in the movie Planet of the Apes was 'Smile'.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The second longest word in the English language is 'antidisestablishmentarianism'.
When two words are combined to form a single word (eg. motor + hotel = motel; breakfast + lunch = brunch) the new word is called a 'portmanteau'.
Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd".
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch'.
Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.
Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.
Lenny Kravitz's mother played the part of Helen on The Jeffersons.
Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Evian spelled backwards is naive.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat.
Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.
Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."
ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names - Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Annifrid.
In the 1983 film 'JAWS 3D' the shark blows up. Some of the shark guts were the stuffed ET dolls being sold at the time.
Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off.
The Beatles song 'Dear Prudence' was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
Moon was Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name. Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon in 1969.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The Skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radios newscast about the wreck. The Professor's real name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann's last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell's maiden name was Wentworth.
The male gypsy moth can smell a virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk.
The original fifty cent piece in Australian decimal currency had around $2.00 worth of silver in it before it was replaced with a less expensive twelve sided coin.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
The lead singer of The Knack, famous for My Sharona, and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug and Jeffrey Feiger.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence 'Oz'.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Horses cannot vomit.
SOS doesn't stand for 'Save Our Ship' or 'Save Our Souls'. It was just chosen by an 1908 international conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone could key and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash.
The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
| JENNIFER WHITE |
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|
One day there was a guy who was driving down the road in his jeep on his way home from work and his car broke down. He looked down the road and saw a pink house and decided that he would see if he could stay there for the night. He walked up to the house and rang the pink door bell and a pink lady opened up the pink door. He asked her if he could spend the night and she said ok.
So she led him down a pink hallway, up the pink staircase, down another pink hallway and into a pink guest bedroom. She said that he could stay there.
Then another guy was driving down the same road and his car broke down in front of the same pink house. He went up to the house and rang the bell. The lady said he could stay there and lead him down a pink hallway into a pink living room, showed him a pink couch and said he could sleep there.
Then another guy came down the road and his car broke down. He asked the lady if he could stay there for the night. She led him down the pink hallway up the pink stairs and down another pink hallway and into a pink den and showed him a chair and said he could sleep there.
The next morning all the guys went down the kitchen. The lady asked them what they wanted, she had pink Cheerio's, pink Fruit Loops and pink milk with pink bowls and pink spoons.
The first guy said he wanted Cheerio's, the second wanted Fruit Loops and the third wanted Cheerio's.
What's the moral of the story??? 2 out of 3 people like Cheerio's better than Fruit Loops.
ORSM
VIDEO
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!". The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
| SELF SHOT BABES |
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|
TAXATION EXPLAINED TO THE MASSES
Suppose that every evening, 10 men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The 10 men drank in the bar every evening and were quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner said "Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the 10 men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
Therefore, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing.
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "But he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a buck too. It's unfair - he got 10 times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy always win!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists, labour unions and government ministers, is how the tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
| VERY BAD TATTOOS |
 |
|
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Couldn't work out why an email I was trying to send myself kept bouncing back the other day. Logged into my Gmail and quickly figured it out - "You are currently using 25599 MB (99%) of your 25600 MB". Not a bad effort for less than 15 months and, now that I've cleared it, is even more reason for you guys to bombard the living hell out of me with whatever you like.
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Crazy Naked Man
Wow,,,, saw the vid last week of the crazy naked guy,,,,, then today I see this article and wonder if it's the same case,,,,???? |
Flashman wrote:
Subject: Re: How to get from Japan to China
Thats nothing... On Google Maps try getting from Japan to America and see how you do Steps 27 and 38 will test youre ability... It should only take you 35 days 18 hours!!! Keep up the ORSM work bud |
 |
sean wrote:
Subject: LOST CAT ?
Posted by Japanese students renting a housein Brunswick, VICTORIA. (BUT,why do Japanese students have a premium 1900 telephone number ????) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Yo!
Found this in the local paper. Thought u might like it. Hide my shit, you know the drill |
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Waynej wrote:
Subject: nude beach
what the fuck
Somewhat... noticeable. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contribution
Hey Mr Osrm. Want to know why Africa is so f**ked. Here are two recent extracts from The Nation newspaper in Malawi - guess the sports editor must be some fat twat who really knows his stuff! |
Ed wrote:
Subject: Proof
ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS, This proves he was born in the USA - let it rest. Rare photo of Obama in his bassinet.
If you laugh, you're going to hell. -Orsm |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: why we have 70" tacvests.. :(
See attached..... I've never seen anything like that wearing a uniform.
They bring him in to eat the enemy. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The U in motley crue!
Visit ur site every week thought i send something in, use if you like! Even made it myself! haha hide info please...
Isn't it clouds that you're supposed to find shapes in...? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: New XBox Controller
Microsoft has just released a picture of a new attachment for their Xbox controller said to make life better. Early testers have said it is causing them to lose concentration during gameplay but still manages to offer hours upon hours of fun even when the Xbox system is turned off. Love the site, hold the info. |
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neil wrote:
Subject: Says it all
Sometimes you just gotta pass on the PERFECT email that says it all!!! Have a good day, Mate. |
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Ryan wrote:
Subject: Dumbass typo
Lame... but check out the nutritional info for this meal. Still loving your work bro....
Wow. High fat content. -Orsm |
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Robert Hoffman wrote:
Subject: I figure you'd appreciate this ;)
Not my funniest thing to date, but I think it's pretty fun anyways |
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Samgay wrote:
Subject: Great White pics from cockburn sound the other day...
Might stay home & do the gardening this weekend! ;-)
This happened last week. More info here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex "Girlfriend"
Slut.... Hide my details please
Hotness. -Orsm |
 |
Jason wrote:
Subject: How to Kill Mosquitoes - NOT A JOKE
You may be aware of this, but I thought it was worth looking at again. I can't wait to try this in the summer! I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled?a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well.. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
this is my ex she got divorced to be with me then a year later i find out she is fucking he ex for money. hide info please |
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f brown wrote:
Subject: me holloween
I'm 54 dye my hair three forth did not rise out one of my kids didn't rec me
some at bar tough that was normal |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex GF Orelia yummy mummy
Met this mummy, pillar of the school community, wonderfull mum 4 kids, with a terrible marriage that was falling apart due to hubbys gay and straight affairs. Hubby didnt know it was all falling apart, he works as a granno 4x1 in the north west. She loved it all oral, anal, public sex was into games the lot. So i gave up everything, sold up, walked out to be with her. You can only play this game so long before the lies start to unravell and you get caught out. Her words on being caught out "i want to destroy every man i meet. well paybacks are a bitch and here's yours for the world to see. I may send the video and other pics at a later date. Please hide my details "enjoy' |
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: Got some shots from SEMA 2010
Gday from across the country in the nation's Capital, I just got back from SEMA with a few pics you might like to use as my first contribution to your ORSM site. Cheers. |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook oops!!!
Mr. Orsm, Total facebook oops by a friend of mine...well, we're still not sure if it's an "oops" or a "d'oh"! Check the pics and post if you'd like...names have been
redacted. As always, keep up the great work and withhold my email address |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Check out the carts for golf in the ghetto...
Mr. Orsm, LOVE the site dude. I look forward to every Thursday. Please withhold my info if you use this. Also, this is a vid from a buddy's phone so if there is any info "embedded" in the video will you wash it too? Appreciate it and keep up the good work! |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Video for you
Hi Orsm, This is a video effect I did a little while back, thought you may get a
laugh. Link [here] and video attached |
 |
Man gets on a bus and asks for a ticket to the hospital and then goes and sits upstairs. Two minutes down the road the bus hits a bump and the bus stops. The man goes downstairs and the driver is in tears.
Man asks "What was that bump?" The driver replies "I hit a cat..." Although a little upset the man stresses to the driver that it's urgent that he gets to the hospital and they get on their way.
Two minutes down the road there is another bump and the bus stops again. The man goes downstairs and the driver is in tears. Man asks "What now?" The drive replies "I hit a dog..." Upset at the situation he still stresses to the driver how urgent it is that they get to the hospital and they get on their way.
Almost at the hospital the man is getting ready to get off the bus when there are two big bumps. The man goes downstairs and the driver is in hysterics. Man asks "What's so funny?!?" The driver replies "I just hit a Paki!" "But I felt two bumps." "I had to go up a curb to hit him!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1,000". The man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling a set of handcuffs around his finger. Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey.
"Sir, you have discovered our Police Officer Monkeys. This one is our basic Patrol version. It's got a CJTC (Criminal Justice Training Course) Basic certification; can fire 'Expert' with a Glock, Remington 870 or an AR15; knows the Penal Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"
The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla - also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a pen instead of the handcuffs. The price on this one is $5,000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Sergeant model! This one has a CJTC Advanced certification, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic firearms skills, mechanics of arrest, physical training, investigation and small unit tactics! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"
Impressed, the man moves to the last cage. Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same hat and tie as the others, but holding only a coffee cup. "What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man. The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well, um... we have never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and scratch his crotch, but he says he's a Lieutenant."
| GEORGIA JONES |
 |
|
RANDOM SHITE
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible. HE paid for your Oilers's season tickets. HE paid for your Eskimos season tickets. HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake. HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore. HE paid for our speed boat. HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, "What would you do?" The cabbie replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."
| LUXURY DOG HOUSE |
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|
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!".
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu bro, you huv Prostate suckness eh". "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi'regonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bustards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright I am done... and not a moment too soon. All you need to do is read the following:
- Check out the site archives. You will be enthralled beyond belief.
- Next update will be next Thursday. The last one for November, fifth last one for the year.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spend the next five years studying medicine and becoming a qualified doctor just so he can deliberately misdiagnose you with a mysterious disease that must be treated with oestrogen. Years later, after you've developed breasts, speak like a woman and have lost all hope, he'll tell you it was all a joke. Why? Because that's the kind of vindictive, hateful guy Ray is.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and act your bloody age... just try okay. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2010.11.11-20.59 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them. Lest we forget.
Busy week. Plagued with interruptions, phone calls, messages and countless other annoyances. My wish is that one day, before I die, there is a week where everything is completely quiet and I can finish the update ahead of time.
Let's move on to what's currently topping my gripe list. Packed to the Rafters is an Australian comedy/drama that I never have and never will watch. This stems from the saturation promotion the show received before it began airing a couple of years ago, combined with the use of this song. I fucking hated the song and therefore refused to give the show a chance. Now all that wasn't a problem because I know how to use the remote but strangely the show went on to become quite popular with the network responsible for it is seizing upon every opportunity to promote promote promote.
Again, don't have a problem with that because I get that they're a business and the goal is to make money but when there are several stories each week in the evening 'news' relating to the show, it's storyline or the personal lives of its cast things are getting out of hand. I end up wondering what legitimate news stories were shelved so we could get two minutes about the death of a beloved character. I wondered the same thing the following night when we got a follow up story about how the actress who'd been killed off had aspirations of Hollywood and once again several days later when another completely useless story about how two cast members were engaged to be married was served up. Do they think we're idiots? At what point does the rubbish normally found in women's magazines become news? I've been watching the same 6pm news for ever but this is the last straw. You know what they say - vote with your feet...
Moving on. Tuesday was D-day for the surgery I crapped on about last week. Cyst removal from my back. The only real gripe I have with the process is day surgery in general. As instructed, I called them Monday to find out what time it was going down and they said someone would call me and I'd have to be there in 45 minutes. Wouldn't commit to an exact time of course, just to be on standby from mid to late afternoon. No probs. So I sat around all day waiting... waiting... waiting. 5.30pm, anxiety having had plenty of time to build, called them and asked what was going on. "Not sure yet. Can you be here at 7?". Surgeons work that late? A few minutes later they call back and change it to 6.30, all the while feeling less and less comfortable with the idea of being incised.
Anyway, made it there on time, sat around waiting before finally being ushered into get changed into a ridiculous gown thing. Was expecting that but oddly told to leave my shoes on... my grubby everyday shoes... the same shoes which I'd cleaned dog shit off days earlier... and come through into a sterile operating theatre. Okay then.
From there it was all pretty straightforward. Come in, lie on your side, "Are you comfortable?" blah blah. What followed was a bit of pain as the surgeon jabbed around injecting anaesthetic, some slicing, digging, tugging, scraping and finally I think some snipping. Ten minutes later it was all over and I drove myself home more or less unscathed.
The only real hiccup was the following morning and waking up with blood all over my bed sheets. Race to a mirror and see the dressing, which I'm quite sure went on clean, now full of blood. Kind of like a large rectangular blood blister. Picture here. It didn't help that the anaesthetic was wearing off so thoughts of stitches having pulled through, the wound having ruptured or possibly my internals slowly sliding out of me started to go through my head so zipped back to the hospital to get it checked. Thankfully was no big deal... it'd bled but since stopped and only needed to be redressed.
Admittedly the whole experience wasn't as bad as I'd imagined, didn't hurt but wasn't particularly pleasant. It was, after all, surgery and I could feel myself being cut. Gross. Fingers, toes, legs and penis all crossed it's a long time before I need to go back there. Oh and before I forget - cheers to the dozens of emails I got. Always appreciate the advice! Even the horror stories [you know who you are Craig!].
And with that I should probably get on with the update. Didn't really leave enough space to chronicle my weekendly adventures but in a few short words: finished carport, dinner with friends, coffee, visited friends, fixed a computer, exercised and watched Inception [overrated]. And writing it like that has just helped me to realise all my future blogs can probably be that short. Anyway let's do this. Check it...
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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the bottom of the garden.
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A guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
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Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
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There's only one thing worse than shitting the bed: having 2 smear it around your girlfriend's arse so she thinks that it's her fault.
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
ORSM
VIDEO
NOW FOR SOME USELESS TRIVIA
In the wake of the 'October has five Fridays' controversy that plagued us for a few weeks there I thought it would be good to throw up a whole bunch of other trivia which
can be used to torment me endlessly. Enjoy yourselves!
The original game of 'Monopoly' was circular.
One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year.
Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year.
'TYPEWRITER' is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime whilst sleeping.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
According to tests made at the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems in Washington, D.C., dogs and cats, like people, are either right-handed or left-handed.
A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel can.
Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line.
Birds do not sleep in their nests. They may occasionally nap in them, but they sleep in other places.
Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
Butterflies taste with their hind feet.
Mosquitoes are attracted to the colour blue twice as much as to any other colour.
If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.
Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.
Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top of a bee's head and 2 larger ones in front.
The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within several degrees by timing the chirps of a cricket. It is done this way: count the number of chirps in a 15-second period, and add 37 to the total. The result will be very close to the actual Fahrenheit temperature. This formula only works in warm weather.
In the United States, a pound of potato chips cost two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat than the celery has in it to begin with.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
The two longest one-syllable words in the English language are 'screeched' and strengths'.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
Barbie's full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'
The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture element'.
Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Chrysler built B-29's engines that bombed Japan, Mitsubishi built Zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant call Diamond Star.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050
The symbol on the 'pound' key (#) is called an octothorpe.
The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 Oz.
Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, UNIX is a registered trademark of AT&T.
The amount of storage space on a recordable CD is measured in minutes. 74 minutes is about 650 megabytes, 63 minutes is 550 megabytes.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Only 1/3 of the people that can twitch their ears can twitch only one at a time.
The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15.
Only humans and horses have hymens.
The word 'set' has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries.
Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation was played by six different cats.
'Underground' is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters 'und'.
A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous'. These are tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
| HANNAH HILTON |
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|
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta' be kiddin' me". "No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious the man says "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw the poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked "What happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't your day is it, cupcake...?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the accountants, being clever with money, decide to copy the engineers on the return trip. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
| FACIAL AWESOMENESS |
 |
|
FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
LESSON 1
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory".
Lesson: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." POOF! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Lesson: Always let your boss have the first say.
LESSON 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. It's full of nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
LESSON 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Lesson:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can stick to an email and send my way. To make it happen all you must do is click here.
Dataman wrote:
Subject: Re. iPhone orsmness.
Yes there is a way.., I can watch movies off your site on my iPhone using the VLC player app. It's free too, just like all the orsm content. Keep it real orsm!-
Well despite having the VLC app installed on my iPhone, had no idea it allowed you to stream movies via the web.
So... ANYONE WHO WANTS TO WATCH ORSM VIDEOS ON THEIR IPHONE SIMPLE DOWNLOAD THE VLC APP, GO TO THE VIDEO ON ORSM YOU WANT TO VIEW AND CLICK 'CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THIS VIDEO', WAIT FOR IT TO FINISH DOWNLOADING AND THE VIDEO WILL BEGIN PLAYING. |
Mike wrote:
Subject: In response to the iphone not working
This email is for the individual that has problems playing videos on his iphone. I have a very simple solution......throw it away and buy a droid. Cause the videos play on my phone. So suck it all you isheep. Hope this solves your problem. |
Mark wrote:
Subject: Cyst Operation
Hi Orsm, With reference to your sebaceous cyst removal operation I trust that they leave your clitoris in one piece. Heh heh. |
Michael wrote:
Subject: Explanation for Fire Door
The reason for this is actually rather logical, given the intellectual state of our world. Remember, many instructions, warning labels, directional signs, etc., are designed to accommodate the lowest common denominator. What this photo doesn't completely reveal is that this door is in front of an elevator (or lift, for folks outside the U.S.), and this is a fire door which is required by some building codes. What this photo doesn't reveal at all is that the door is held open by an electric magnet which automatically drops power if the fire alarm is activated or if the power fails and the magnet has no battery back-up, thereby allowing the door to close (note the closer arm at the top of the door). The door may also be pulled away from the magnet by a smart-ass, as the magnet is not super-strong, but I digress. Now, should a fire alarm or power failure occur, then the elevator (which SHOULD have escape battery back-up in newer buildings - again, building code) will either return to the main floor OR the nearest available floor and open the elevator doors. Imagine how panicked an occupant might be if the elevator door opens to a closed fire door. |
Bill wrote:
Subject: Response to Dorm Room Masturbation Post lol!
Hey man been a longtime fan and visitor to orsm and always look forward to new
posts, but gotta tell ya this one had me rolling from laughter. As a longtime
Oklahoma State Cowboys fan I am always looking for something to give my friends,
who are mostly University of Oklahoma Sooners fans, shit about. One of the
things being that we Cowboys fans have always maintained that we get laid a hell
of alot more in Stillwater than they do in Norman and this post proves that the
only pumping down there they seem to be doing is into their plumbing lol. Shit
is almost as funny as the pictures of my sister in law you posted earlier this
year lol. Keep up the great work man and look forward to them updates. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Teak Queen Size Scandanavian Bed (Markham Rd & Highway 7)
Been watching your site for years. Thought you might get a laugh to a response to being told that a free bed listed in a Toronto Craigslist ad has already been given away. Amusing but a bit long, with the corrrespondence added go [here]. |
V wrote:
Subject: Dr. Phil's house... He probably needs a bigger nicer place - A MUST SEE
Dr. Phil and his wife are selling their 11,000 plus sq. ft. Beverly Hills home (asking $16.5 Mil). Take a look inside.
Having money clearly doesn't mean you have taste. That place is as ugly as my bum. -Orsm |
Dubs wrote:
Subject: nws text in pic
So a (50+) conservative lady at work was warm and took off her jacket in the office today, professional office type environment. She had on this shirt with a pretty purple pattern on it and honestly couldn't see the words - until the other girls took photos and THEN pointed it out to her. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more than RS
Last year one of my wife's nieces found this in the under the front door mat. The whole neighborhood got them. One seriously pissed-off woman!
That's dedication. -Orsm |
Tony wrote:
Subject: hummer
Greetings from Wanaka New Zealand. I love the oxy morons like 'happily married', ' Family holiday', 'rap music', 'police intelligence' etc. I couldn't resist the sticker on the Hummer- "I support the Green party!!" Love the site, keep up the good work. Ta |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Worthy
Just walking around Costco and look what jumps out at me!...found something that I can submit and have a good chuckle about, yes I did take the picture...no I did not pay $115 for it...like they all say...withhold my details...thanks Cheers!!! "Either kill me or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change..." |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: You'd want a lot more than 10 free pokie games!
As seen near Caulfield Train Station Melbourne Cup Day. Please hide my details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Backwoods way to move Big Screen
Saw this driving down the road the other day, we were going about 50mph. Guess his friends safty isnt worth a $0.99 rope. Please hide details.
Can't think of anyway this could end badly...? -Orsm |
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JOE wrote:
Subject: really tired
In New York USA toll booths charge by the axle..this guy is fucked!
This makes me think of hotdogs. I now want a hotdog. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: How to get from Japan to China
1. Go to Google Maps.
2. Go to "Get Directions".
3. Type in Japan as your start location.
4. Type in China as your end location.
5. Go to direction #43.
6. Laugh.
7. Hide my details.
8. Thanks for the great site mate! |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: SEASON TICKETS FOR SALE
I have 2 Fremantle Dockers season tickets for sale. My wife doesn't want to attend any more of their games as she doesn't like the woman who sits in the seat next to us. I've attached a view picture from these seats. Tickets go to the highest bidder... Current bid $6,500 |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: why police cars need to stay on paved streets
Halloween night in Atwood Kansas a city Police officer decided to chase a stolen car through a pasture out in the country. Dodge Chargers are fine pursuit cars, but not good prairie cars. They just don't have enough clearence for yucca plants. About 50 grand + worth of car and equipment up in smoke. It only took us 900 gallons of water to put the fire out. All firefighters beware of magnesium in the front seat area, it flared like crazy when we put water to it. |
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PAUL G wrote:
Subject: Last picture taken of a moron
Last picture taken of a moron. It's one of the laws of nature that the stupid usually remove themselves from the gene pool. ya'll.............. look what I got!!!! |
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John wrote:
Subject: 100% natural ED-Helper
Hi Mister orsm. Look at the pics, use them if you want.
I'd call it really biological viagra or maybe simply 'fucking vegetables'. Greetings from John Rush (not my real name, though) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big Sister named "Audrey"
Hey ya know all of those conspiracy theory nut jobs sayin that the US government as far back as the 1970's could listen in on every phone call anywhere and pick up on words using some sort of advanced computer system? We'll here is an article that actually might prove that they may have not been that wrong. It is a publication from Bell Labs, printed February 1953. The article in question is details about an "electronic device" that can react to spoken numbers "intelligently". I picked it up from a thrift store on the half price day. A mere 12 cents (US dollars) for this little treasure. Anyway Enjoy!! |
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seymore wrote:
Subject: Speedtrap
Only one garbage bag outside in the whole street ...suspicious or not? Speedtrap, those f.. bastards!!
And the Po-Po wonder why people hate them... -Orsm |
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Kirumburu wrote:
Subject: First ladies
Ooops....... first ladies!!! here we go! Would any other First Lady have chanced it? First lady looking GOOOD, she's ready for some football... |
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: MORE FROM SEYMORE
Good tires stick to the road!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bug
more proof it that some people have too much time to spare..
I'm not so sure we needed more proof to be honest. -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: His life is just starting, not like ours mostly spent
Have you ever seen a more beautiful smile than this one? The next time you're in a bad mood... maybe you need to remember this. Your attitude toward life defines not only who you are, But the quality of life you will have. Anything bugging you today? Doesn't seem so bad anymore, does it? We don't quit playing because we grow old but we grow old because we quit playing, It is the growing old that kills us so lets remember to play every day and live on and on and on |
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John wrote:
Subject: Baking skoda
Hi orsm dude I don't know if you remember me sending a vid with the title baking Skoda where they bake a car from scratch. Well this is the follow up ad now being shown her in the U.K I still don't think it would ever catch a GTS Clubsport R8. With its meek 125 Kw still a funny ad thou
Here's the link to original. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Matrix sendup
Hi Mr Orsm, I have decided to send you another video (see attached). This one is a send up of the Matrix in clay. I did it a few years ago. Thought you might like it. You tube link [here]. Cheers. PS Love the site |
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A man goes to see his priest. "Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The priest asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The priest then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the priest calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the priest replied, "Take the poison."
ORSM
VIDEO
Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after a few minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is... "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is... "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was...
NO! The duck didn't say THAT... don't be SO disgusting! The duck said... "I am a DRAKE! You made a MISTAKE!!"
| SOPHIE STRAUSS |
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|
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
| LAURIE WALLACE |
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Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are!" The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools!" One of the old Grandmas called back "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that's about all from me. Felt like a pretty strong update. If you agree please send boobs.
- Check out the site archives. They're literally Orsm.
- Next update will be next Thursday. You can just about set your clock by it these days.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will inform you of his desire of going into business relationship with you. He will get your contact from the International web site directory. He'll pray over it and select your name among other names due to it's esteeming nature and the recommendations given to him as a reputable and trust worthy person he can do business with and by the recommendations will must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business. He is honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways: 1) To provide a Bank account where money would be transferred to; 2) To serve as the guardian of this. Ray is willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and watch out for that Dengue Fever! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.11.04-21.06 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Something d-o-o economics? Anyone? Anyone? VOODOO economics.
Another massively massive week. Bordering on exhaustion again but for whatever reason absolutely cannot bring myself to sit still.
My biggest concern right now is this coming Tuesday. Remember a while back I mentioned having a lump? As disgusting as it sounds [although actually isn't - not infected, skin not broken etc, just a lump!], a sebaceous cyst has taken up residence below my skin, on my back, sort of between my shoulder blades. It's now time for the fucker to go and for this to happen a surgical procedure is required. So I met with the surgeon a few days ago who said it's only a ten minute op but they'll have to put me under a general anaesthetic. Fear of somehow dying whilst I'm under, I convinced him to do it with a local... which now has me worried I'll be able to feel the slicing and scraping. He assured me it's no big deal and that I'd be in and out in no time to drive myself home. Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate hospitals and doctors? Honestly my only real fear about getting older is breaking down and needing surgery. Maybe this will be a good stepping stone. Wish me luck.
Alright let's start the bit where I crap on about my exploits... however interesting or uninteresting they may or may not be. Beginning with...
Friday is always bittersweet in that I'm ecstatic to get out of the house for the first time all week but it's mostly to do stuff I'd rather not be doing. Banking, food shopping and various other crap. It did pickup in the evening though - dinner with a friend followed by The Social Network. If you haven't seen it, it's worth checking out. Good but I'm not so sure it's as Oscar-worthy as people are making out.
Saturday was insanity. The morning workout left me destroyed which I would later come to regret. My next move was to the hardware store planning stage 587 of the carport project which started years ago. That took way longer than expected but on the plus side got home with everything I needed which saved visits two, three and four from being necessary. The next few hours were spent executing the plan - basically just to widen the existing tin roof by 500mm. Admittedly sounds simple and it was but required a whole lot of sawing, cutting, grinding, drilling and screwing. The end result was perfect though. Should only take a couple more weekends to finish it all off and I can go on with my life. Following that was a few more hours of 'tasks' around the place and the realisation that every time I'm outside working there is some arsehole neighbour cooking sausages. It's like they hear me come out and immediately fire up the BBQ for spite. Fuckers.
By end of day there were three options on the table as far as Saturday night activities were concerned. Dinner with friends, a buck's party and the annual Pride Parade. Happy to miss dinner, skipped the bucks because I wouldn't have known anyone and well... I fucking love Pride. And before anyone says it - I was a spectator only. Got to hand it to the gay and lesbian community this year too... by far the best parade they've put on yet and would have been all the more better if it weren't for the homeless stoners 'spliffing up' right next to us. Video here if you're interested.
Was more than hesitant to arise Sunday morning but again, having foolishly made plans, dragged myself out of bed at half 7. The day was begun with some community dog show gathering social thing. No idea what it was all about except there were tonnes of dogs, coffee, free shit and a dog eating competition [dogs eating, not eating dogs]. Home from there to wash the car ahead of the day's activities - pub for a couple of ales and light conversation, quick trip past my grandmothers to seemingly let her know I'm still alive, then off to pick up friends before a cruise and obligatory ice cream stop. In summary, yet another fucking awesome weekend. Would love to say that life is great right now but doing so will inevitably summon forces who will seek to change this so let's just leave it as my life is satisfactory right now...
Okay enough. It's time to get cracking with a brand new update. Can it top last week? One way to find out. Check it...
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Walking down the road the other day and saw a car full of Muslims get hit by a truck. All in the car were killed. Thought to myself 'farrrrrrrrrk that could have been me... I've got a truck licence'.
--
Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing Vaseline in his chest. Cecil asks "what are you doing?" Rupert says "I read in a gay magazine that Vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest!" Cecil says "Don't be so fucking stupid, if that were true I'd have a ponytail sticking out of my arse!"
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Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, "I gonna do that when I win lottery" 'What's dat?" says his mate. "Send me lawn away to be cut".
--
The Police are looking for a person that steals vibrators, licks balls, and likes it up the arse. What should I do? Pretend I don't know you?
ORSM
VIDEO
WHO'S YOUR BABY DADDY
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing the father's details or to put it another way... who's your baby daddy?
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise...
7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time... well, I don't have clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsay did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St mine might have remained unfertilised.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
| CAPRI ANDERSON - AKA the 'escort' from the Charlie Sheen hotel incident |
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INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL RESPONSES
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from 'Pissed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.
The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend' and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
ORSM
VIDEO
The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love. Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love". "Very good said the teacher, anyone else?"
Little Johnny stood up and said "I think love is 'fucking'".
The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father.
The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?" Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers..."
| LOVE ME SOME VAGINA |
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A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student asks "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" Professor says "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student says "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an 'A'". Professor says "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an 'A' as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer - 'What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?'
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"Alright!" says the professor and calls on his favourite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an 'A'... which is neither legal, nor logical."
| COOL BOAT NAMES |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can stick to an email and send my way. To make it happen all you must do is click here.
Dale wrote:
Subject: October 2010 "controversy"
Gday ORSM. it is implied several times over the last couple of weeks that this October will be the last one for 823 years to have five Fridays Saturdays and Sundays, so I hope that the following will clearthings up once and for all. This message, which has been circulating via social networking websites as well as email, claims to reveal an "interesting fact" about October 2010 in that the month has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. The message claims that this particular combination of days in October only happens once in every 823 years.
It is true that October 2010 has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. However, there is nothing particularly "interesting" or unusual about this fact. And it is certainly not true that such a combination only happens every 823 years. In fact, such combinations occur every few years. As the calendar shows, the next year that has a month of October with 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays will be 2021. This is a mere eleven years in the future, not 823 years as suggested in the message. And, the same combination occurred as recently as 2004.
So, so, so, soooo many emails about this. I think we can now consider this matter closed. Nothing else will be posted about it! -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: iPhone usage
Great site! Can't wait for every Thursday! Just wondering if you could tell me how to view the videos on my iPhone. Everything else works, videos work on my desktop computer, but no videos on my iPhone. Thanks if you can help, maybe it could also help others.
I get this several times a week. The short answer is that there is no way. Blame Apple for being gay and controlling. That said, I am exploring ways to change this however there are several hurdles so unfortunately there wont be a short term fix. -Orsm |
Sid wrote:
Subject: you have got to be kidding me.
Instructions on how to open a door. Photo taken at Courtyard Marriott Hotel in Tempe, Arizona. Must be the results of our fantastic public education system, maybe?
Well... it can be a little complicated to open a door sometimes... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: HP knows best...
I couldn't help myself - TMX. (please don't share my email) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: How Pelosi is taking the elections...
A faceful of rejection! Please hide my details, mate! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
heres my braided shit. hide my details!! u guys rock!
As many times as I've though about taking a picture of my shit and posting it online I'm still yet to do it... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Horniness remover
Something for your RS... Please keep my info withheld. Love your site, something I look forward to every Thursday. Keep it up. Thanks. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: submission
Love your site. The wife and I at play recently. Tits and wrists tied. Blindfolded with cloth shoved in her mouth. Tits covered in hot wax. Good times. Please withhold email and name.
Looks a bit... painful. Honestly though if I had a wife that asked me to do that stuff I would be out of there. -Orsm |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Dorm Masturbation Notice
This one got me rolling. Don't you find it disturbing that your food service personnel also get the job of removing semen from the pipes? Don't eat the "special sauce" !!!
Why the fuck are they are filtering waste water anyway?? -Orsm |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: ouch...
Another Roo bites the dust ..............m.p.h. |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: denims
New denims in Amsterdam
I definitely feel gayer for having seen this. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Incident last week at Port Lincoln
Bulk carrier versus fishing boat. Not sure whether the pilot was on the bridge or avoiding responsibility in the pilot boat....... |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: The Maltese Falcon Yacht
My kind of sailing
Quite amazing. More info on Wiki. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pix for your site
Ahoy from Florida...... These are pix of a then 20 yr old hillbilly girl I had fun with in
1987........ she was looking to learn and I was happy to teach. Please hold my info & keep up the great work!
You gotta love 80's porn. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Incident last week at Port Lincoln
Bulk carrier versus fishing boat. Not sure whether the pilot was on the bridge or avoiding responsibility in the pilot boat.......
Oooops. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Another video for you
Hi Orsm, Have another one for you if you like. I filmed myself in front of a green screen then added footage. It is attached with you tube link. Cheers
Hell of a right arm you got there. -Orsm |
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amin wrote:
Subject: OMG...
Hey there mate, long time visitor, first time contributor... the lady in the clip was busted on Kenyan national radio cheating on her hubby.. enjoy & keep up the good work!!
Ha! That'll teach the bitch! -Orsm |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Giant clit play
Now, if all women had a clit like this, many more women would be very much easier to please me thinks. Mr...
I'm not conviced that it is actually a clit. The hairy legs are concerning too! -Orsm |
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
ORSM
VIDEO
When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife. But... after several weeks, my penis had grown 12 inches. I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that though rare my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," the wife said coldly, "you're going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?
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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house. It's a really hot day and he only just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt..."
| PUMPKIN ARTISTRY |
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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk". So they then decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well... kiss your ass goodbye!
| JAMIE LYNN |
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The two housewives were drinking coffee together. "On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"
Her friend Martha responded, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and my pussy, then gives me a long screwing. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!" "I'm going to!" Louise replied.
The next day the housewives met and Louise remarked, "You were right about your husband, he did take the pain away, but he was surprised you suggested it."
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright dudes... that be all. Before you ask a silly question please read the following:
- Check out the site archives. You will be fucking amazed.
- Next update will be 11/11. Make sure you're here for it for no ther reason than I said so.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will jump on your face twice.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and nothing... why would you take my advice anyway? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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