Welcome to Orsm.net. Why cant everybody just get along? Because they're all retarded!

What a sensational time of the year. The weather is becoming more perfect by the day, the cricket is in full swing, December is just hours away and we have just three more updates before the year is over! I don't know what everyone else is doing but god damn I am looking forward to that week off between Christmas and New Year!

This got me looking through the site archives and worked out this is update 48 for the year - thus far just 1 less than all of 2005 with the aforementioned 3 still to go. I don't know if I should be proud or woeful. I say it every year but this year I have definitely worked harder and longer on the site than any other and missed out on a lot of shit because of it. Awww poor me huh...?

Not that I dare complain though... of all the jobs I've had in my life there is none other I would rather be doing than running this site... except retirement maybe...? But its time to rejuvenate. I've been thinking and planning and scheming for the last few months on changes I want to make to the site. I wont go in to major detail suffice to say things need to be added, removed, freshened, automated, and most of all I want to see a complete new design. I've got a million ideas but as always would love to hear from you guys.

The Ashes... it's probably a little too early to start gloating but doesn't England just suck at cricket? I tried to watch or listen to as much of the five days as I could and it just got sweeter with every bowl and every run but to be completely honest I think the thing I took most delight in was the lack of email in my direction from the Poms. Usually there is something telling me to fuck up or not get too cocky but I'm just glad that you guys have accepted the reality so soon in the series...

On to my week which really has been all over the damn place. Up and down, round and round. Good, bad, average. It kicked off Friday - lunch with a mate in a trendy little noodle bar called Wagamamas. I know they are starting to pop up everywhere so if you like noodles then go no further. We followed that up with a beer at the nearest pub watching the cricket. Honestly if I could spend every Friday like that I would be a happy man.

After that it was home to work for a few hours then off to the annual 'Wanneroo Agricultural Show' which is basically a whole bunch of rides, greasy food, shitty stalls selling shitty products and an extremely poor fireworks show which showered us in debris. Did I mention the people? Imagine a few thousand rednecks and yokels all crammed into one largish area and you're pretty much there. Strangely enough it was good fun though and at the very least a good perve opportunity if that's your thing........

Early start on Saturday. My sister and her BF finally found a rental and it was moving day. It was also buy a fridge and washer day so we got moving to the nearest sale and much to my surprise had both of them on the trailer and back to their place in less than a couple of hours.

Sunday... 'the first Sunday of summer'. TFSoS has absolutely nothing to do with the date but rather that magical one when the heat arrives - the first sign of what's ahead. Sadly though all I had planned was to attack the garden. I've done pretty well with it lately and the goal of getting it sorted before summer kicks in and I can relax was beginning to be realised but I just didn't have it in me to stand in the sun all day. I chose instead to stay inside [in the aircon!] and reorganise everything back to where it was before my visitors moved in back last May. I really can't put into words how good it is to have my space back. No clutter, no mess and for the most part everything is in its place. I pray to god it lasts!

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Stop The Aussies - Hottest Duo EVER! - KickAss Game - Fucking Wild - Freestyling - Tasty Latina - Dick Sucking Hoe

Boobie Flashing - Holy Fuck - Britney's Bits - Camgurl Cutie - Sobriety Test - Flexi-Teen - Moron - Evil Soldiers

How Dumb? - Mega Tits - Piss Lifter - Alyssa Milano - Lucy Clarkson - Ass 'N Titties - Facialed - Blonde Hunee

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay, I've already got holes for that."

SERIOUSLY SPECTACULAR Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - Veronika - More >>

WHAT PORNO'S WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
31. Every guy has a penis as big as Orsm's.
32. All women are completely bald.
33. Women really don't mind being picked up off the street and then fucked in a moving van.
34. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.
35. Any other girl is a MILF.

ORSM VIDEO

Beautiful Facial

My Eye Popped Out!!

MILF Anal

Rumsfeld [Funny]

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "OK Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either. "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached - I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.

DIGGING UP THE PAST Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo Paleo - Paleo - Paleo - Paleo

THEN... AND NOW...

SCENARIO: JACK PULLS INTO SCHOOL PARKING LOT WITH RIFLE IN GUN RACK.
1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

SCENARIO: JOHNNY AND MARK GET INTO A FIST FIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

SCENARIO: LITTLE JEFFREY WON'T BE STILL IN CLASS, DISRUPTS OTHER STUDENTS.
1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

SCENARIO: BILLY BREAKS A WINDOW IN HIS FATHER'S CAR AND HIS DAD GIVES HIM A WHIPPING.
1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

SCENARIO: MARK GETS A HEADACHE AND TAKES SOME HEADACHE MEDICINE TO SCHOOL.
1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

SCENARIO: MARY TURNS UP PREGNANT.
1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

SCENARIO: PEDRO FAILS HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

SCENARIO: JOHNNY TAKES APART LEFTOVER FIRECRACKERS FROM THE 4TH OF JULY, PUTS THEM IN A MODEL AIRPLANE PAINT BOTTLE, BLOWS UP A RED ANT BED.
1963 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

SCENARIO: JOHNNY FALLS WHILE RUNNING DURING RECESS AND SCRAPES HIS KNEE. HE IS FOUND CRYING BY HIS TEACHER, MARY, WHO HUGS JOHNNY TO COMFORT HIM.
1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

And this is what they call progress?

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READER MAIL
Got some cool shit to share? Well you've come to the right place! We, the people of Orsm.net, do hold in high regard all things pertaining to compromising pictures of a tasty Ex or current female, jokes, vids of you and your mates acting all retarded, anything car related and as a matter of fact - anything anything related. All you've gotta do is click here and make the magic happen!

Shane wrote: Subject: Kindergarten's version of a pair of scissors Hi Orsm, Gotta love the innocence of kids eh? Ha! -Orsm

Tofie wrote: Subject: oops!she did it again You must be sick of this crap, but may you could use one of the attached for your Random Shit column I got these about ten thousand times so I've just stuck them all together. -Orsm

Betty wrote: Subject: Ex-Girlfriend Pictures for the site Here's some pics of my ex-boyfriend getting his knob polished by the fat whore he cheated on me with. I swiped some vids from his computer also, if you want me to e-mail those.

mod 2004 wrote: Subject: Great Fuck Hi Mr. Orsm, great site! I just wanted to send you some nice Hi-Res pics from me and my good friend of mine. We never had a relationship, but time by time we had a great fuck together... and Anja has really great Boobs... Go on man! Your site rocks!

Some Stooge wrote: Subject: Only in Texas ... Now we're talkin' boys n girls !! 28" rims with low profile tyres - could only happen in the US... couldn't it. He's the man!!! This is the Sheriff 's Police Car of the Local Sheriff Department in Texas (only in Texas). Specifications - ENGINE: 7.0L Supercharged V8, 515 KW, 904 Nm Torque. MAX SPEED: 250 (Limited). ACCELERATION: 0-100 in 6.5 sec. (Quick for a car that weighs more than 3.5 tonne!) WHEELS: 28 inch chrome TYRES: 325/35 R28 Profile

Nurries wrote: Subject: Some Pics for ya G'day ORSM bloke, Just thought I'd finally get off my arse and send some pics to you. Post what you want, or don't. Some of the pics are from the V8 round over your way earlier this year. Think I'll be moving across next year, got have a change from Melbourne. Keep up the good work bloke. Cheers.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Brilliant South African City Lodge Advert Hi Mr Orsm. Great site yada yada.. anyway I got sent this brilliant Advert for a hotel chain in South Africa. I doubt it will ever see television but its still brilliant. Please don't post my details. Cheers

Dale wrote: Subject: Perth Stripper Had a top night at "Mick Dundee's" place last Saturday. Had a girl over , she was a lot of fun. Claims she can fit 15 ice-cubes in her ass. She did about 5. Serena. Fuck she can talk though. All i can say about the video is ... "Big Red , move your fucking head !!"

Back in the days before twist-off beer caps, two Newfies went camping. They packed a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set out. After two days of hiking, they arrived at a great spot but soon realised that they had forgotten to pack a bottle opener.

The first Newfie turns to the second and says, 'You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer." "No way, bye," says the second. "By the time I gets back, you'll have eaten all the food." "I promise I won't," says the first Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Five full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it!! I'm not fucking going!!!"

BATH TIME WITH ASH Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh - Ashleigh

A Lebanese arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, money , free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Russian ".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says "I no Australian , I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?" She says, "No, I am from New Zealand!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"

ORSM VIDEO

Stop Wiggers

Ship Vs Bridge

Copper Clappers

Bim-Blonde

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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.""My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah?" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment' killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could fly."

RANDOM SHITE Absolutely nothing gross or for that matter disturbing in this weeks RS. True story. Take the first pic for instance... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Four men were bragging about how smart their Cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat: "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said: "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said: "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee And said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said: "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

GOT INKED Tattoo You - Tattoo You - Tattoo You - Tattoo You - Tattoo You - Tattoo You - Tattoo You Tattoo You - Tattoo You - Tattoo You - Tattoo You

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

ORSM VIDEO

Superkart Onboard

The Orange And The Egg

Dudes Got Some Balls

Oral

And that is update done. Time of death: Thursday 30th November 2006. Anyway I hate long goodbyes so I'm just going to cut to the chase this week..

- Check out the site archives because they fucking rock.
- Next update is next Thursday - the same as it is every week.
- Tell your friends to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET! or I will knife them all.
- Email me!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a bloody good weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Irene! Fuckin' Irene!

Wooo... After all the hype, speculation, commentary and controversy the Ashes have finally begun and for those of you who have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about then you're definitely not an Aussie or a Pom.

Every couple of years Australia meets England for the Ashes Cricket series with the winners taking not only the trophy but gloating rights too. It's a light-hearted rivalry and like most fans I have been particularly looking forward to this year after Australia was painfully defeated last time around. That is all about to change though - yes this year I'm quite sure that the Aussies are going to reassert their dominance and knock those little Pommie bastards all over the field all summer long. Bring it on!

My whinge this week is about those retarded fucks who protested the G20 Summit thing in Melbourne last week. Ignorance is bliss so I'll be perfectly honest when I say I have pretty much no idea what the G20 is all about and I don't particularly care. I also don't really understand why the people protesting are so upset about the G20 convening, why they attacked the cops and news crews, why they trashed a McDonalds and Nike store and just generally destroyed anything and everything in their path. Seriously, what does destroying someone's car or trashing a police van or putting a cop in hospital achieve? It's the age old thing of those in power making the decisions so if they don't like it maybe they should put down their bongs and get involved.

What I would like to have seen is rubber bullets, tear gas, pepper spray and fierce beatings dished out by the police. Fuck these hippy morons. I'm just glad that they didn't get their message across and like I said above - they're all fucking retards and I hope they die.

Moving on... the other big news this week was the retirement of swimming legend Ian 'Thorpedo' Thorpe. You've got to admit that for a 24 year old he's done pretty bloody well for himself and he'll be remembered for all eternity but whether or not that is for swimming remains to be seen. Why? I kid you not - every single person I have spoken to this week has brought up or at least hinted at the fact that Thorpe loves a bit of 'Thorpedo'.

Rumours have been circulating for years about Thorpe's sexuality and he hasn't exactly done all that much to quell them and after watching the press conference, the way he speaks and who could forget his effeminate mannerisms there's no doubt in my mind. What's he afraid of anyway? Come on Thorpey - out of the pool, out of the closet too!

Daylight saving... I'm almost shocked to utter the words but good old Western Australia is finally getting it! I really didn't think we'd ever get it but surprisingly out politicians have actually done something that involves giving instead of taking away.

The last time we had a daylight saving trial was 91/92 so I barely remember what difference it made to me but I do know the people that are most strongly against it are the farmers and in particular dairy farmers. I'll claim ignorance again on this one but apparently the cows need to be milked at a certain time so the poor farmers will need to get up an hour earlier. All this despite the fact they are actually waking up at the same time as they normally would [daylight saving or no daylight saving] except the clock says something different. Figure that one out! Anyway in my simplistic interpretation it seems that a few million people who would otherwise benefit - cant.

Anyway enough social commentary... lets get on with the update shall we...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Lolly Pop Kyra - Skate Or Die!! - Tasty Lesbians - Cheating Housewife - Soft Porn - Wigger Please - Perfect Ass

Screw The Country - Vida Guerra - Shit The Tub! - Cam Whores - Psycho Woman - Flabney Spears - In Style

Bikini Comp - Gothic Slut - Let Rip - Silly Bitches - We Have Nipples - Hockey Biffo - Penelope Cruz - RateMyPix!

Upon hearing of Thorpie's retirement announcement today, Kim Beazley congratulated Billy Thorpe on his retirment and his contribution to Australian music.
--
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

SEX IT UP Jules & James - Jules & James - Jules & James - Jules & James - Jules & James - Jules & James Jules & James - Jules & James - Jules & James - Jules & James - Jules & James - More >>

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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Week in week out I senselessly dribble away in my blog about my life and what I've been up to and I thought it would be cool to hear from some of you guys for a change. Tell me something! Who are you? Were do you live? What's you family like? What do you do for work? If there are any good ones I will post them up on a page [obviously minus all your details] for all to read. Email me here.

d wrote: Subject: VegasMILF Orsm, Keep up the good work, we love it in the states. This is a sexy 42yr old MILF I met in vegas, she wouldnt let me take a frontal, but you get the idea. Sensational cheeks... but can we see the muff please? -Orsm

Craig wrote: Subject: red bull shit Went sunday. Perth side. Great day. Best place? under the planes as they were landing back at the strip. Only took a couple of stills. Mostly vids, and no doubt you'll get heaps of submissions.... There's a whole bunch here taken by and courtesy of Saffrey. -Orsm

Mike wrote: Subject: Launch Seen from International Space Station Launch, as seen from the International Space Station. The Space Station happened to be passing by when the Shuttle launched 09/09/06 Nice pics mate! Did you take them yourself...? -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: What the hell does it mean? Hey orsm. Love the site, I had to show you these from our local "Rambo". This guy is trying to run his own security company, the question is ...."What the hell does it mean?"

Some Guy wrote: Subject: wot a clever fella.... For those not in the know, a couple of icebergs have drifted in about 80km off the coast of the bottom of the South Island of NZ. They're drifting parallel to the coast after drifting up from the Antarctic where they broke away about 6 yrs ago... pretty cool stuff...

iulian serban wrote: Subject: Cool pictures of the fall in Romania Hope to send u some other cool stuff from romania. i will be onoured if u will show theese pictures to the world. Thx.

Matt wrote: Subject: Bosnia Hey man, I'm currently stationed in Bosnia, love your site, sure helps pass the time over here. Just a couple of pics to show a fucked up country like this can be beautiful, even if it's just for a few minutes. 1st pic was taken by a Dutch soldier in the SW of the country, the last two were from my balcony around 6am.

Hugo wrote: Subject: M5 power check this out G'day. Some pics of an idiot of Umhlanga Rocks on the north coast of KZN. Expensive. -Orsm

Werdna wrote: Subject: Truck Prank Hey, I have been visiting for a little over a year now, and just have not had anything exciting to share. Well I little while ago I found a nice large roll of wrap, and my brother was headed to a new job, So I put one and one together and got this....Peace

markos ramirez wrote: Subject: old crazy italian I know your website is in English but this old crazy italian sing bob marley in an amazing style

Vlado wrote: Subject: Ufo over Sarajevo Hi. I find this amazing clip on the net. The guy on the video is making an announcement about MEPSO theater festival in Sarajevo, when suddenly... I wasn't a believer... until now. -Orsm

graeme wrote: Subject: revheads g'day orsm, went down to narrogin for the revheads weekend over the last coupla days. what a fukn feral thing that is! got a bit of video, and thought you might appreciate this little burnout from a datsun 1200 wagon...on steroids. was fukn great till the blower drive belt went pop and it all went quiet. enjoy

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is Fred. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fukin' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Robert, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a Cunt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Cunt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from the phone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, that's because you're a Cunt!"

Then one day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial by this stage,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Cunt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 221 William Street. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a Cunt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two Cunts to call. Then one day I came up with an idea.

I called Cunt #1. "Hello?" "You're a Cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 221 William Street, a terraced house. There's a gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Cunt," and hung up.

Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, Cunt," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I said. "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, Cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 221 William Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the hood war going down on William Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to William Street. I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. Now I feel MUCH better. Take it from me, anger management really works...

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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the little dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard "that was close, that dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

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Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word..

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday!" I felt a little better - someone had actually remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me!?" I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day! Let's go."

We went to lunch but not somewhere we'd normally go - we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." By this stage I was buzzed so I just nodded and off we went.

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

RANDOM SHITE Not a bad little mix in this weeks RS if I do say so. I'm sure there'll be plenty to amuse and bemuse all of you guys and fill your friends inboxes for days to come. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank in a panic and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because they aren't causing any problems and it's too risky to operate. A few months later she gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears."Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened... you were going to the toilet and a bullet came out...?" "No," says the boy, "I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

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It was entertainment night at the old folks home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "SHIT" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the mess.

ORSM VIDEO

Onboard Race Cam

Not Such Bad Guys

Cigarette Tricks

Worst Burglar Ever

Holy crap let me tell ya that was a behemoth effort. There were countless interruptions this week and as usual I am surprised I managed to get this bad boy together so hopefully it didn't suck!

If you haven't checked out the site archives yet then you fucking should... right now! I've been working my way through them trying to fix all the broken holes and anything that doesn't work so they are slowly starting to look better than ever. You can find them here.

In case you were wondering when I will return then check back next Thursday. Update day is every Thursday, every week, every month, every year. Pretty simple really!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your eyes off the bank chick! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Bank Chick.

This may be the best update of the year so far or maybe ever in the history of the site and maybe even the internet. Fuck knows why - I've been giddy all week. The weather is warming up, Christmas is approaching which means a week off and I just had a lot of fun slapping this monster together. That okay with you?

I've actually gone into overdrive trying to get a million tedious bits and pieces around the site done and out of the way in preparation for the coming season. The idea is to make January a relaxing [read: slack] one so the less work shit I have to do, the more recreational shit I can do. It's an ambitious and probably completely delusional plan but I live in hope...

Let's talk about my week shall we? I probably would have ditched my blog years ago but lets face facts - none of you guys would bother coming here if it weren't for the mundane yet retarded tales of my life... right...?

Saturday... wonderful Saturday... a few months back we organised a fishing trip to celebrate a mates 30th birthday. Something different than the usual go somewhere, get drunk and fall down thing. So yeah... Saturday was the day.

Pretty much the only thing I hate about fishing is the abhorrently early wakeup time - 5am so we could be there for half 6 and on our way by 7. Surprisingly everyone managed to make it on time and off we went into the big deep blue. Conditions were terrible too - overcast, a bit rainy and the seas were bloody big...

I swear up until now I have never once in my life been nailed by seasickness but the combination of constant up and down, side to side movement and inhaling exhaust fumes pushed me pretty close to taking a spew. I wasn't the only one either - probably three quarters of the 30 onboard felt sick and/or chundered over the side and a few that felt so bad they couldn't fish at all. The pansies did provide some entertainment at least.

Anyway after two hours we finally arrived at the first fishing spot which for the record was approximately 26 miles from the coast and in 115 metres of water - apparently on the deep side of the continental shelf and where the first and best fish of the day was caught. What was it? A Samson Fish... roughly 40 to 50kg. Pics here and here. Fucking impressive.

In total we stopped at probably six or seven other spots where people picked up anything from Pink Snapper to Red Snapper to Dhufish. And what did I catch? Something known as an SFA which is short for 'Sweet Fuck All'. Not really all that good if you are hungry...

We moored at Rottnest Island for lunch before heading for home and made it back by 4pm. It was about then I started to realise how sunburnt I was. With clouds out for most of the day it never occurred to me that I should slip-slop-slap some suncream [try saying that quickly!] and I spent that nite paying for it.

Another early start Sunday. Its council 'green waste' collection time and it was my only chance to get rid of some of the monumental super-growing plant life from around the house for at least another six months and as overgrown as everything is I had every intention of making the most of it.

I began with the back garden which I have deliberately avoided for the last year. Instead of picking through, neatly cutting things back and patiently removing weeds I tested out my new gardening technique which I like to call 'fuck it'. Pretty self explanatory really but basically involves a shovel, ho and axe and everything goes except for the really big stuff. Worked a charm too!

By the time I finished there was a pile of once flourishing garden so massive that I doubt Evil Knievel would have the balls to jump. Felt damn good, looks damn good and with some luck I'll be completely on top of it within the next couple of weekends.

The only negative about Sunday was that I managed to get even more sunburnt. I did the whole suncream thing in the morning but it doesn't seem to last long once you break a sweat. Completely gross too - my face has been stinging all week and I woke up yesterday with half my face peeling and suffered again when I scrubbed it all off. The only funny part I can really draw from the experience is that the top of my head peeled for the first time ever... something attributable to the fact my hair is thinning at an ever increasing rate. Time to buy a good hat...

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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
--
If we're not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
--
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well

BONUS QUESTION: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The student received the only "A".

ORSM VIDEO

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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"

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Murphy calls to see his friend Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "Me feet are freezing mate, could you go upstairs and get my slippers"? "No bother" he says and runs upstairs.

There are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed. "Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you both". "Fuck off you liar" they said." "I'll prove it" says Murphy.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them Pat?" "Of course, what's the use of just fucking one!!?".

PANTS ARE FOR PUSSIES... Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - Bottomless - More >>

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READER MAIL
I don't think you had to be a genius to realise a few people would get particularly annoyed with the contents of the 'unbelievable cruelty' gallery posted in last weeks update. Absolutely just nasty stuff and there were more than a couple of replies from you guys on the matter... BUT... as you will see in the first RM below there is actually a reason for it. Does that make it okay? I have no idea - I guilt myself out killing any creature no matter how small or insignificant so to me it will always be exactly as titled...

If you'd like to send something my way for the site then we especially love seeing naked pics of your ex, jokes so funny it makes baby Jesus cry, videos so disturbing Hitler wouldn't watch them, anything car related and pictures from anywhere and everywhere. All you've gotta do is click here!

Boost wrote: Subject: Perth cops caught having some fun ;) Hi ORSM! What a great website you have there! Here is a pic taken at a local Perth Brothel. "Mr Plodd was caught in the act recieving services from the friendly young girls!" Pls dont display my email. (ps....DO A BURTNOUT)

bally wrote: Subject: midland perth seen this van at a set of traffic lights in midland... "in the midnight hour - she cried more more more"... cheers

VETTE wrote: Subject: HEY AGAIN WELL I DONT KNOW IF U GOT MY 1ST LETTER BOUT THE GREAT SITE SINCE I HAVENT SEEN MY PIC I SENT U ON THE SITE SO MAYBE ID GIVE U MORE PICS MAYBE ILL SEE IT THIS TIME IF U PRINT MY PIC WILL U ADD A THANK U TO SCOTT FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THIS SITE THANKS ALOT

<with held> wrote: Subject: chinese drivers i live in vancouver b.c. canada where the 60 to 80 percent of the households speak chinese. we often joke about their diving abilities. politically incorrect! you make the judgement. wish i was in aussie land . met alot of cool aussies in van. keep up the good work.

Davie wrote: Subject: Scary Goth types Hey Nath, Found these two freaks in Glasgow a while back. Either they were part of the circus or the had some serious personal shit they needed to work out. In any case, they look such that they would receive ridicule from the likes of me, Mr Normality who has no fucked up shit in his life. . . . . . . There is definitely something sexy about that. -Orsm

Ian Green wrote: Subject: thought you might like these Here are some pics of this horny bitch I met online... she is the craziest chick I have ever been with... hope you and everyone who loves your site enjoy the pics Just the kind of girl you'd want to take home to meet the parents... -Orsm

monster yautja wrote: Subject: tak tau siapa ni Looks like some celebrities or VIPs from Asian region. Perhaps someone out there can tell who they are. Enjoy. Please don't post my email address. Honestly does anyone care who they are? No? Didn't think so... -Orsm

Austin Powers wrote: Subject: One word.... Twigley Juddy's a lucky man God damn! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: ROTTNEST AIRCRAFT CRASH Hi Orsm, Your website cost me my marriage, But I wouldn't have it any other way. She just didn't like to share....... Your website is the best & from time to time we have locally grown girls getting their gear off around local hang outs, which makes me feel lucky to a west aussie. Anyway, I have a mate who was at the Rottnest Island aircraft crash ( Sunday 12th Nov 2006 ) shortly after it happened, here are some of those pics. It is amazing that they people all the people out alive.......... I KNEW something happened along the coast that day. No less than a dozen helicopters went over

Polo5 wrote: Subject: arrested Hi Orsm, A while ago I got arrested for breaking a bus shelter window and possession of canibis. My friends and I made re-mixes of the interview, here is one I made...If you like it you can find more here. Keep up the good work. Stay off the chems, dude. -Orsm

Darrell wrote: Subject: me n my bit on the side lol hope you can use this for your site ?? she wants to b a porn star shes just turnd 18 and shes horny as fook i goda share this with the world !!!!!! by the way im 40 theres hope for you all lol. i call this 1 night in blackpool !! if you put on the site i can give you moe of it much more ;0)

ORSM VIDEO

Sadistic Fucks

Rock The Foundations

Crazy Hill Climb

Fastest Gun In The West

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

BETTER GET YOUR TISSUES READY BOYS! Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika - Monika

SHIT

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head... Well, Shit Happens!!!

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RANDOM SHITE RS is all about taking the bad with the good. I'm better than I used to be - there was a time when RS was nothing but utter wrongness but I like to think I've outgrown that. Or maybe not. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".

How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa,  "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll  put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." 

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

OLDEN VILLAGE Japanese Village - Japanese Village - Japanese Village - Japanese Village - Japanese Village Japanese Village - Japanese Village - Japanese Village - Japanese Village - Japanese Village

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and much larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids!"

ORSM VIDEO

Nice Jugs

St. Louis Storm

Embarassing Bloopers

Submersible Jeep

Ho hum I am done. Just like that too. And now that the reality of this update ending comes crashing down and I've been successful in keeping you away from whatever else it is that your supposed to be doing I just hope it was all worth it!

As I said last week: I honestly don't think anyone read down here so I will keep it brief and say... next update will be Thursday and every Thursday after that AND make sure you check out the site archives AND make sure you email me something cool AND tell all your friends to come visit the site or I'll knife you...

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget the damn suncream! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. I don't think I'm gonna do Hamster Style anymore.

The weeks are moving way too fast. Suddenly I'm finishing an update and when I wake up the next morning suddenly its Thursday again and time to do it all over. It's a bit surreal sometimes... kind of like when you realise you're dreaming and just go with it.

This made me think of a thing my mates and I used to say - 'the first sign of insanity is that you don't have any comprehension of time'. It was more of a put down when you had no idea what time it was and our test for it was extremely scientific... someone would time you and you'd have to say how long you thought a minute was without looking at a clock. The further away from sixty seconds you were, the more cracked you are. Like I said - really scientific!

With that in mind I am still perplexed how I spent the entirety of last week thinking it was this week. Coming events, things to do, whatever - they were all a week further away than I thought. Its quite funny too now that I think about it... I kept wondering why people would mention a date that had already passed as if it were coming. Everyone is crazy except for me!

So how did I manage it? I have no idea but it had something to do with October turning into November and everything going faster and faster as we scream towards Christmas. Maybe it's like that motorbike travelling towards you principle and the sound compressing Doppler Effect thing. Fuck knows... al I can say is if I'm going crazy hopefully I take a few people with me.

Anyway on to the REAL reason you guys are here... we all know its nothing to do with the porn and vids and jokes... its me the tales of my lacklustre week... right...?

Saturday was a overcast, humid shitty kind of day and I was awoken by some bastard walking around the house knocking at the front door and windows. I figured if I just ignore it they'll go away but no such luck. It ended up being my housemate's mate who was here to pick him up. Definitely not the ideal way to start the day but I contained my anger long enough to make a strong coffee, chill out and work out how to how to occupy it.

I decided on car cleaning again for the second time in two weeks [I'm in training for summer]. I was convinced that despite the crappy weather and forecast for rain there wasn't going to be any because the last five times we've been told to expect it there wasn't a single drop. Of course I was wrong though. Pretty much the moment I finished and had my baby looking spectacular its started spitting although not really a huge drama because she was undercover. I win this round, rain!! Muhahaha...

The rest of the day was made up with a trip to pick up folks from the airport and some quick shopping and the best thing about it was I managed to keep the car dry all day... until early evening. The very first thing on the 6pm news was a storm alert: 'expect rain and hail... cars should be moved undercover'. Greeeat. Anyway to cut a long story short the car washing thing ended up being a big waste of time.

As was the plan for Sunday I spent most of the day fucking with my computer. Another complete fucking install of Windows, reinstall of all the fucking programs I use and transferring all my fucking files back over. I'm not sure what could be more boring or worse way to spend a Sunday but if you're looking for one then give it a try.

Talking of rain... the next few days are meant to be quite wet which should make this Saturday somewhat interesting. A whole group of us are booked to go charter boat fishing for the day. Should provide some entertainment for anyone who gets seasick and hopefully some burley for everyone else. Definitely looking forward to it.

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I rearry sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon... You got nice house!"

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A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible." "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.

"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?" "No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again. "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man. The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!?"

ORSM VIDEO

How To Kill Dad's Mustang

Close Call

Amateur Couple Porn

Sledge Hammer

FLESHLIGHT... NOT AS CREEPY AS YOU THINK! I GOT MINE AND IT IS HONESTLY THE FUCKING
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A man walked into a bar, sat down at the far end and had a drink. He noticed there was a horse in the back of the bar room with a big pot of money on the floor in front of it.

"What's up with that?" He asked the bartender, pointing at the horse.

"You gotta put a dollar in the pot," explained the bartender,"if you can make the horse laugh, you collect the pot."

The man walked over to the horse, dropped a dollar into the pot, and whispered into it's ear. The horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. So the man picked up the pot and walked out.

Five years later the same man came into the bar, and saw the same horse, with another big pot of money in front of it. The bartender recognised the man and noticed him looking at the horse in anticipation. "It's not so easy now... this time you gotta make him cry." he said.

The man walked over to the horse and whispered in its ear, and from behind, in the shadows, appeared to pull something out of his pocket and showed the horse. The horse fell to its knees sobbing as though its heart was breaking. The man picked up the pot and was walking out the door when the bartender stopped him.

"Hey! At least you can tell us what you told him!" "Easy," said the man. "The last time, I told him my thingy is bigger than his. This time I showed him.

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READER MAIL
Got some cool shit lying around? Your fellow Orsm-er's and I love Ex or current woman pics, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit and pretty much anything else you can slap in an email and send my way. All you've got to do is click here and make the magic happen!

Adsy wrote: Subject: Nice name wish i'd gone to her house on halloweeen to trick or treat.....

<with held> wrote: Subject: titties here are is a pic of this chicks tits that wants me to screw her can you hide me e-mail and name thanks They some big titties... -Orsm

Put Mak Man wrote: Subject: pic Hi there, Thought you might be able to use this some where in your site. Hanoi Airport a couple of weeks ago. Cheers

Eddie B wrote: Subject: revenge on the ex This bitch left me for some internet cock and I'm pretty fuckin pissed. I'm posting her pic with a link to her profile, where I'm sure she'll be more than glad to suck even more internet cock.

Jeroen wrote: Subject: Funny smart Hi there, I've been checking out your site for years and years now and realy like it. Keep up the good work. This smart was standing in the parking lot in front of where I work.

Cornel wrote: Subject: Warning - Our crocs are "vegetarian"! Mates were on holiday on the coast last week and took this hilarious picture! I just knew this was ORSM material! So here you go - finally I contributed my share to this cool site! Here's the original story: "While on holiday last week, we saw this sign at St. Lucia's crocodile farm. The entrance to the farm is considerably higher than where the crocodile pens are located... and after pissing ourselves, thought we'd share it with you!"

<with held> wrote: Subject: Vegas say A buddy of mine took this in Legas. Though it was pretty cool. Hold my details please. thanks Seriously why can't I take pics like that? -Orsm

paul wrote: Subject: clipsal 500 after seing the photos in last weeks as always legendary update,i thought i would send in some pics of me and a buddy at the last clipsal.corporate box,ya gotta love it. all the best,paul from adelaide.

Michael wrote: Subject: A bunch of Charger pictures Here are some much better pictures of the Dodge Charger than the Texan sent to you. 5.7 liter V-8 Hemi engine. Personally, I don't see the big deal with the car; it's too small on the inside to be a cop car, but I suppose ANYTHING is better than the Ford Crown Victoria with its anemic 4.6 L engine.

Neil Stidiford wrote: Subject: THE BIGGEST SHIP IN THE WORLD AT ROTTERDAM The largest container ship in the world (Emma Maersk) operating at the largest port in the world (Rotterdam). 11 cranes going at the same time. Some information: Length -- 397m. Width -- 63m. Deadweight -- 123,200 tonnes. Engine -- 14 cylinder diesel, 110,000 BH. Top speed -- 50kph. Estimated cost -- over US$145 million

<with held> wrote: Subject: cool toys Hey mate. cant remember where and when i found these pics, but i think it would be to share. hold my details please cheers

David Paquet wrote: Subject: A video! Hi! I've been watching and admiring this site for quite a long time and i would like to share a video i made... i dont know if it'll fit in but who knows.... here you go!

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five bucks... a lot quicker and better than a doctor!".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the pharmacy. He deposits his five dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to the pharmacy, eager to check what would happen. He deposits the money, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. Seconds later the computer springs to life and prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

ORSM VIDEO

Cop Run Over

Weirdo Workout

Exploding F14

Politically Incorrect

FOR THOSE WHO REED AND RIGHT

- We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox becomes oxen not oxes.
- One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
- You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
- If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
- If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
- If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
- Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
- We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
- Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
- Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.
- There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
- English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.
- But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
- And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
- Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
- If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
- If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
- In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
- Have noses that run and feet that smell?
- How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
- You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
- If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?

UNBELIEVABLE CRUELTY Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - Seal Clubbing - More >>

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have A Tooheys New."

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!"

The General Manager of XXXX proudly says "I'll have a XXXX Gold, the King of Beers!"

The bloke from Carlton says "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet"

The General Manager from Coopers glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

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RANDOM SHITE I really had far too much to choose from putting together RS for this week... hopefully there's enough decent material contained within to keep all the haters happy. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

During the summers in the early 1940's, my uncle Harry, a young man working his way through college, was working as an ice man and drove an ice truck up and down the streets and alleys on the north side Chicago looking for the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors and windows of the residents who wished to purchase ice for their ice boxes.

The cards usually had 3 settings; 25 lbs, 50 lbs and 100 lbs. It was a poor time, the country just coming out of the depression and facing the start of WW II

There were two spinster sisters that lived alone on the second floor of a frame wooden house on our block and they sometimes would display their ice card in the window for 25 lbs.

My uncle, knew they could never scrape together the money to pay their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken ice pieces off his truck and carried it up to their place and packed it in their small wooden ice box.

One day, towards the end of summer, after he had packed their box one of the sisters, the younger one, stepped out on the back porch and asked to speak to him. She seemed a bit shy and seemed flushed in embarrassment,

"Young man my sister and I know you have helped us this summer with the ice, even when knowing we could not pay. We've read in books recently that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favours. Well since we have not been able to raise any money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself."

Well my uncle always claimed that he tried to convince her that it wasn't necessary, but knowing him, that's highly doubtful, but he said after she insisted, he finally gave in and said, "Okay" and then they supposedly went at it with youthful fervour.

Afterwards, he thanked the woman and dressed, took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister.

The women looked at the bill for only a second and blurted out,

"Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we damn well intend paying for it the same way!"

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It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "NOW," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

MINNESOTA HAIL STORM Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - Aftermath - More >>

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?" asks the Nun.

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun replies "That's okay my son, my name's Julian and this is just my Halloween costume for the Gay Ball!"

ORSM VIDEO

The 80's Were So Gay

Stew-O

Disney Porn

Mega Burnouts

Wooooo... guess what? That's right - I'm done! I've got to admit it felt a bit different doing an update when my week goes smoothly and I aren't running way behind. I think I like the other way better... maybe in future I will just wait until Thursday morning before starting and see what happens.

I honestly don't think anyone read down here so I will keep it brief and say... next update will be Thursday and every Thursday after that AND make sure you check out the site archives AND make sure you email me something cool AND tell all your friends to come visit the site or I'll knife you...

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for ya! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Fuck up!

Seriously what a week. I have one cardinal rule when it comes to my own PC and that is NOT do anything that may take me out of action... but what are rules for huh?

Monday started much as any other does and I figured I had some spare time to try and get to the root of the problems with the damn thing. There wasn't anything majorly wrong, just several annoyances which were making things unnecessarily difficult... so I went a little nuts. Deleted shit, updated shit, added shit, changed shit and fiddled with shit. Then I set it to reboot and headed out for a while.

When I got back it was pretty obvious something was wrong. As soon as I walked in I could quite clearly hear it reboot, begin to load and then reboot again - over and over continually. Ooops. With everything I had messed with it was a bit tricky working out what was responsible but I eventually did and then spent the next few hours surfing the web looking for a solution because after all no computer means no files which means no work which means no update...

It ended up that whatever had happened wasn't going to let me fix it so after much thought I went around the problem by adding another hard drive and reinstalling Windows. The beauty of that was I could then access all the files on my original hard drive without the risk of losing anything. Ingenious [if I do say so!]...

It was Tuesday afternoon before I finally had everything back up and running properly and to be honest It's never ever run better than it is at the moment which is kind of gay because I'll be redoing it all over again this weekend. Why? Am I stupid? Yes but adding the new hard drive was a makeshift solution to get me up and running again and everything needs to go back how it was. Should be fun too - the computer is in ten million pieces scattered across my desk so just in case I don't like getting away from the computer on the weekend, I've made sure that I can't...

Anyway on to the riveting tales of my weekend because as we ALL know that is the only reason any of you nosey bastards come here... right...?

Saturday was kind of a latish start due to a kind of latish Friday and as you may remember me saying last week I had some painting to do. The thing about painting is that I have actually become quite good at it now - I can cut in and all that other stuff with some skill. The bad thing about painting is that my colour choosing abilities are tantamount to those of a fully fledged retard.

The lower half of my little home office was already grey and after staring at it for the last year I decided that a nice green would be the perfect offset. So off I went a few weeks back to the local hardware store and grabbed a bunch of sample cards and decided on one that I thought was quite spiffy and come to think of it, in any other use it probably would be...

Jump forward to Saturday, and cut a long story short, it was with the first roll of the paint roller I knew I'd made a critical error. Remaining ever optimistic I carried on with the first coat until the whole room was done.

I hesitantly started Sunday morning with the second coat and by this stage it was pretty clear exactly how it was going to look. For reference think 'tennis ball'. That's right - I work inside a big fucking, green tennis ball. The reaction from everyone has been quite mixed and I'm desperately hoping it grows on me otherwise its getting painted again.

The rest of Sunday was ultra productive. I don't know what came over me but after I got all the painting stuff cleaned up I set about weeding the garden, mowing the lawn and then fertilizing everything. It was after 8pm by the time I finished up and I somehow still found the energy to vacuum entire pigsty of a house. I love weekends like that - you get a shit load done and can actually relax knowing a dent has been made in never-ending chore list.

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Jennifer Topless - Mindy Vega Strips - Celeb Whores - Massive Jugs - Kylie Minogue - Halloween Voodoo - Halloween

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Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-pissed, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her g-string to one side and gave her a good seeing to. After he'd finished, Robbie turned and said "It's your turn now, Elton", but Elton started crying. Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Elton? What's wrong?" Elton sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they had PLENTY of fun!

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you something ...I loaned my costume to Ted from around the corner cos I wasn't using it, and BOY did he have a good time!"

ORSM VIDEO

Changing Room Blowjob

Pop-up Blocker

Who Wants To Be A Loser?

South Park Vs Croc Hunter

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A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine..."

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The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman...

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me - the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce!" The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened". "Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"

The husband begins to tell his story... "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight - the poor thing practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story... "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door, she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: 'Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?'"

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READER MAIL
If you would like to submit to Reader Mail and have your goodies ogled by millions of surfers the world over its fucking simple. We love pics of a tasty Ex or current girlfriend, shots of your hotted-up ride, vids of you and your mates doing something retarded, jokes or pretty much anything else you can staple to an email then all you've got to do is click here and make the magic happen.

Andrew wrote: Subject: Halloween Hooma (Some Caution required)... Dear Regular Hooma Seekers, It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to notice that it's Halloween today, and even Inspector Clouseau could figure out what the gist of my e-mail will be about! That said, here goes...

Toby wrote: Subject: Last weeks Random Shit! hey ORSM, had to send you this picture from last weeks random shit i need to know if this picture is there because it's a half nude witch around halloween or because of the Bulge in the undies WTF?

Jonathan wrote: Subject: Meaningful Wikipedia contributions Hi Mr ORSM, Don't we just love meaningful Wikipedia contributions! I can just imagine the little bastards having a chuckle on their folks PC. I hope the time that vandalising Wiki pages isn't funny never comes. -Orsm

Neil wrote: Subject: vessel name G'day mate, Came across the following whilst at work, thought it was a funny worth sharing.

Bob wrote: Subject: Hemi cop car Texas DPS has over 600 of these on order. 345 h.p. RWD. I think I'll pull over. ;-) Love the site, Bob from Canyon Lake Texas. My site; BigBlockFox.com

cunnox wrote: Subject: phillip island 01,02,04,05 oh here is a pic of me project car that i built by myself,did all the work bar the exhaurst and wheel alignment.... dont show number plate please...... enjoy... Beautiful Stang. -Orsm

VETTE wrote: Subject: LOVE UR SITE HEY ORSM I JUST LOVE UR SITE IM FROM THE STATES AND WOULD'VE NEVER KNOWN ABOUT UR SITE IF MY AUSSIE FRIEND HADNT TOLD ME TO CHECK IT OUT AND I SAY I LOVE IT HOW U HAVE A LIL BIT OF EVERYTHING ON HERE I GOT SOME PICS WOULD LOVE TO SHARE AND A THANK U TO SCOTT M FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THIS SITE

Michael wrote: Subject: Indy girls Hey Mr. Orsm. I hit up the indy 300 on the weekend with some mates, didnt exactly go to watch the car racing... maybe the V8's but fuck the champ cars. Was an awesome day... couldnt believe nobody sent in any pics so heres one of me (red shirt) and me mate crazy dave with a few of the Jim Beam girls. Strippers on balconies everywhere, and tits out left right and centre. I was following these 2 blonde chicks around for a bit.. didnt even realise who they were until some random dude nudged me and said thats that stupid blonde Katie chick off big brother. I was that maggit i was too busy looking at her mini skirt to see her face. Then afterwards i noticed that the blonde girl beside her in the pic is bree from a few big brother seasons ago. Definately hitting it up againt next year. I just wish they'd get some better sponsors. All there was to drink was fucking VB and Cougar rum/bourbon... not a single can of XXXX or Bundy rum to be seen... rubbish!! Peace out Orsm, keep up the good work.

b Lopes wrote: Subject: Indy Action! Hey, I'm a long time viewer bla,bla,bla.... love the site and the shit you put in..but i was surprised that with so much poon at the Gold coast Indy no one sent anything last week...any way here's some of what i saw....ps.don't disclose my addrs. Thanks keep up the ORSM work!!!!!

<with held> wrote: Subject: hi dood! Mr. Orsm, just some pics for you of the fat ex gf. Check the hairy puss. Ewww! No wonder i left the bitch! Don't show details please. They're completely different sizes!! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: pictures of a dumb bitch Hey! I've been looking at your site for quite a while. I was into this dumb bitch sometime during college, but the bitch left me and does slutty shit like this, so I thought I stick it to her by putting pictures of her doing slutty shit. If you can photoshop a nasty cock in some of these pictures that make it even more embarrassing, I will be forever grateful.

<with held> wrote: Subject: burnout pics just been on a ride thought id send some shots of a couple of the boys at play cheers please dont post my email

jeremy wogernese wrote: Subject: shelby gt500 here are some pics of the 2007 shelby gt 500 mustang, i dont know the exact number of cars made but its only a couple of thousand. over 450hp supercharged. these sticker for $45k but most are selling at about $15k to $30k over sticker! start saving up!!!!!

Richo wrote: Subject: Last Rally Oz in Perth Hi Mr Orsm, Vid taken of Chris Atkinson on his last run for the night (Perth City Super III/IV - Stage 10/11 - Cant recall which one). Fitting end/farewell to the event and I will certainly miss it.. hmm, time to move to QLD ?? Neh, WA forever!! PS. Sorry, quality aint the best - But who cares ;)

Dan wrote: Subject: Vid For Viewing Hi There Mr Orsm. Heres a vid of my fish playing with a ball. when he is interested he brings it back to your hand and when he isn't he'll just fucking bite you. the fish is called Murray and i have had him about 8 years

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."? The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes ans slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

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A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.  He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file".  Whose funeral is it? The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife".

"What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?". The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Join the queue."

ORSM VIDEO

Need A Lift?

Ah-CHOO!!!

Bush Uses The Google

Rocket Powered Lincoln

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

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RANDOM SHITE Without sounding like a complete fag I had a lot of fun sticking RS together this week. Not only is it the best one in a while but I have fattened it which means I can hide a few more obscenities in there which I'm sure you guys will love. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iraqi said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iraqi whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Iraqis. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iraqis on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iraqi ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future..."

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife pauses a moment and responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Dream Buzzer Shot

The Kiss Test

The Milking Machine

Curious Cat

That, is what's known in football terms, as a slam dunk and its probably safe to say that I'm more shocked than anybody I actually managed to get this badboy together in time especially considering Monday and Tuesday were lost to those damn computer gremlins. Anyway what fun would it be if there were no pressure? Sleep is for the weak!

If you are wondering when your next dose of Orsm is coming then definitely check back Thursday and as a matter of fact feel free to check back EVERY Thursday because why? Because Thursday is update day! For those of you who are new to these parts and need more then I highly recommend checking out the site archives. Every single update going back six years is neatly tucked away for your surfing pleasure.

Until next week be good, stay off the chems and make sure you tell your friends! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.