Welcome to come on, down boy, down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. GONE.
Hard to avoid the whole Roseanne racism thing. She tweets something, social media reacts, gets fired, co-stars react, Roseanne reacts to them. Hard to say exactly where it will go next but we can it'll no doubt be massively overreported and blown even more out of proportion. I'm so tired of these things. People have apparently lost the ability to just ignore; to not be outraged. What ever happened to the days where we would just switch the channel, turn the page, hang-up the phone, change the topic or just find some other way to move on? Prob not going to happen because we all just love watching famous people not only fall but then get absolutely pummelled. Two things that we can learn from this. 1. Roseanne is 65-years-old and worth US$80M. She probably feels like she can say what she wants. 2. When someone makes a racist comment or does something bad, offensive or controversial, it's about them and the kind of person they are; not about you/me/us.
And with that appearance on the soapbox its time to rollout a brand spankin' new update. This one was fun putting together and has some really neat things is fucking epic. Check it...
Recession beater. Wife says to husband "If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car". He replies "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"
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We discussed the issue for an hour with both sides of the debate having their say. Eventually we held a vote and there were five "Yes's" and only one "No". It was a beautiful demonstration of democracy in action. Or gang rape as the police put it.
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A bloke is sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering his penis. Two women walk past and one shouts "if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady!" The bloke replies "if you weren't so ugly the hat would lift itself!"
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Me: "I can't believe they're back together after all that shit". Wife: "Who?" Me: "My arse cheeks"
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"So let me get this straight" the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man". "That's correct" says the defendant. "Upon which" continues the prosecutor "you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her". "That's correct" says the defendant. "Then my question to you is - why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier" replied the defendant "than shooting a different man every day!"
--
My wife came back from work yesterday and yelled at me "All my friends' husbands have bought an original pink and brown Juicy handbag!" I replied with a wink "Okay love, but tonight you'll have to provide some pink and brown for me". I was astonished when she nodded in agreement. I had always dreamt of this moment and it was finally here and, without fail, I went upstairs that night, and was not disappointed. It was just as good as I had ever imagined. My very own snooker table!
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I've organised a charity night in aid of people who can't reach orgasm, but don't worry if you can't come.
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Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth. There you have it ICE is fucking lethal, lay off the ice and warn all your friends, you could save a life and don't forget what it did to the poor old Titanic!
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Two old guys were sitting in the park talking when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older". "What do you mean?" asked the second guy. "Well" replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than ever!" "Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered. "Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches". He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years".
I was supposed to go out with this girl on Friday night. On Friday afternoon she called and said that she didn't think it was a good idea, because she just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called her back. She was like "Hello?" I said "Hey, mate, it's me. Want to hear what this fucking bitch just did?"
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Q: Are you aware of why Barnaby Joyce is like IKEA? A: One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!
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A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mum?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes". After a few minutes the kid asks "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said "Most of them become taxi drivers".
--
This blonde was selling her pet python on eBay. A bloke rang up and asked if it was big. She said "It's massive". He said "How many feet?" She said "None. It's a fucking snake, mate!"
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So, the king and the queen started out for their day of fishing. On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge storm".
The king replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him".
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of a royal forecaster. The fisherman said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain".
So, the king hired the donkey.
And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
THE GREAT OUTDOORS: GETTING BACK TO NATURE, NATURALLY
There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.
But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.
Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him.
She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.
"Yes" replies Valerie "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'". "Wow!" the other nurses gasp.
'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'" Valerie continues "'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES...'"
The others stand there staring, in total surprise.
"ESTABLISHED 1922... PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY" Valerie finished.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morley high school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. Go the blue, white and red!" he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"In 1975" He answered "Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-arsed, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-birch asked "Oh Really? What did you teach?"
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I AM SOOOO HEATED RIGHT NOW!! So I went to Guitar Centre to get some stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No big deal.
I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like "WTF is her problem?!"
I finish up my shopping and head to the cashier. Guess who is there ahead of me? Right. The staring lady! She turns around and starts staring at me again. So I start playing with my phone because at this point it's getting weird. Super uncomfortable!
Finally, she says "I want to apologise for staring at you, but you look just like my son who passed away". I thought to myself 'Oh it makes sense now'. I felt kind of bad for thinking she was a weirdo and said "Sorry for your loss". She says "Thank you... but I have a favour to ask. I know it's weird and I'll understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama'?"
Inside I was like 'HELL NO you crazy bitch' but I know people have different ways of getting over a loss so I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves.
The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $278.45 and I'm like, 'Hold up. I just bought a few things and I knew it should have been like $20-ish.
The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mum's. I'm like "WTF?!" She said "Your mum said you were paying for her stuff along with your things. I told her that that woman was NOT my mum.
She said "Well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama!". I'm like OMFG! I can't believe this! I flew out of the store looking for this awful woman, ready to drag her back in the store by her hair when I find her!!!
I see her loading up her car and I started running towards her. She saw me and jumped in her car so fast. I got to her just as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling on her leg. She kicked and struggled but I kept pulling until her WOODEN LEG popped off right into my hands!!
I'm thinking WHAAAAAAT THE...? Is this really happening right now? So I dropped the wooden leg and grabbed her other leg and started pulling... just like I'm pulling yours right now!
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Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems".
The American said "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law".
"Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle".
"Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..."
Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again, he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert".
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says "You mean I was here already?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A social worker from Boston recently was transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep" came a kid's voice through the door".
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in" said the kid.
Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here" said the kid.
Thinking she had her first violation to report, she persisted "But are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here" said the kid through the door "This is the shithouse!"
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast".
The clerk told her that $250 is the 'standard rate' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager soon appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use".
But I didn't use them" she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here" the Manager said.
But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said.
Well, we have them, and you could have" the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for $50".
"That's correct I charged you $200 for sleeping with me" she replied.
"But I did nothing of the sort!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Not just because I said so but because if you don't, I will make you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Will make it my mission to ensure that.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will say something really controversial about you then blame it on prescription meds.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get out of the kitchen please. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.05.24-20.18
Welcome to remember while today it is me, we all shall fall.
I'm not going to waste too much of your time today with my words and dumb sentences. This was a hard update to do but as is so often the case, the hardest ones are the best ones. I just chuck everything at it and the results speak for themselves but be warned - there is a very real possibility you will sustain a severe wanking and/or laughing injury. The update is that good. So go forth and enjoy but please people, be careful. Check it...
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff". She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"
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Sent my washing to the cleaners the other day with a note enclosed 'use more soap powder on pants'. When the laundry came back there was another note attached 'use more paper on arse'.
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I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he'd had, he started counting and then drifted off to sleep.
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied "Yes, honey, remember mummy has a baby growing in her tummy". "I know" she replied "but what's growing in your butt?"
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A stark naked drunk woman jumped into a taxi at a cab rank. The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. "What's wrong with you luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from". "Well if you're not bloody staring at me luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well I am looking and looking and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with".
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A bloke's son fell asleep at a party, so for a laugh they decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face? His wife went fucking mental when she looked in his cot!
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'. The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time?" She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".
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A man goes into the local corner deli. When the clerk, a very buxom young girl, asks if she can get him anything, he leans over and whispers "Is it true that you give hand jobs in the back room?" "Why yes, sir" the shop assistant coos. "I've already had 5 satisfied customers this morning, and it's only 11:30am". "Good good" the man replies. "Well, go and wash yer hands then - I only want a ham sandwich".
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Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she dragged home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin' water!" The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin' there... and she ain't even got a dick!"
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At a wedding party recently someone yelled "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living". The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I heard a story about a guy who got a call from his doctor the day after a visit. From what I gathered, the doctor says "I hate to tell you this, but I have bad news and worse news". Dude asks what the bad news is, doctor goes "you have 24 hours to live". Dude asks in a terrified voice what the worse news is, doctor says "the phones weren't working so I couldn't call you yesterday".
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A man rushes into drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something guaranteed to stop hiccups. The pharmacist slowly poured a glass of water and when it was full he picked it up, suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw the water into the man's face. "Why did you do that?" the man yelled angrily. "Well you don't have hiccups now do you?" replied the pharmacist. "NO!" shouted the man. "But my wife in the car still does!"
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A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said "Let's get off the corner people". A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good" chuckled the vet "especially since this is a bus stop".
--
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go see Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway
hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles". The first old guy was confused and asked "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt".
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong. What's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied "Big John has a bus pass".
LESSON: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.
A man dies 'in the act' after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.
The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra-large coffin or to amputate his member".
"Well I have no more money" states the widow "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece".
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brainwave: He'll amputate his dick and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece.
The widow reluctantly agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.
The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly "See, I told you it hurts!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom".
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.
Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty".
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door".
The jury foreman replied "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't".
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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'TALKING DOG FOR SALE'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I became a spy for the government. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But all the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I took a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks!" The owner says. "$10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's fucking a liar. He's never been out of the garden!"
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A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behaviour.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said "What happened?"
The younger brother replied "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
SOMETIMES CLOTHING JUST CAN'T CONTAIN AND THE LADY BITS FALL OUT 😎😎
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this. Here's the way one old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
There's something wrong with my penis" he replied.
The receptionist, becoming irritated, says "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that". "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.
The receptionist replies "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something. Then you can discuss the problem further with the doctor in private".
The man walks out, waits several minutes and then re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear" he states.
The receptionist nods approvingly and smiles, knowing he has taken her advice.
"And what seems to be wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this" said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it" he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county government " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister" one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us - me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back".
"Yea" piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". "Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Archives, the site, check.
-There's been some speculation that th next update will be next Thursday. I can confirm this is correct.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will inject you with a dose of propofol and the lorazepamin then cum in your mouth when you're unconcious.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be part of the problem. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.05.17-19.35
Welcome to its clealry Laurel.
Whilst it hasn't been 'one of those' weeks it hasn't been far off. I've been battling an ailing PC for a while now. The fucking mouse has been skipping and not only is it fucking me off, it is drastically slowing down my flow. No amount of uninstalling programs, disabling various settings and so on made much difference, the issue persisted. Not that big a deal though because, as LITERALLY EVERYONE knows, I am a computer God and all that stood between me and resolution was a simple format and Windows reinstall. So, after a lot of careful backing up, digging through the long list of programs I use and saving configs, the trigger was nervously pulled and the reinstall began. Its back up and running in no time and I straight away set about reinstalling everything and then... the fucking mouse prob start shuddering again. Fucking fucker. Wipe the drive again, start from scratch. This happened a couple more times. Took the few spare minutes here and there whilst the computer was doing its thing to tidy my desk. Then it twigged. About a month ago I cleaned up all the computer cables - neatly bundled everything together so none were hanging down [ie. easily grabbable by little hands] and got rid of some unnecessary ones... including the extension cable for the mouse thingy which I didn't think was necessary. What I'd done was move the little USB receiver from close to where the mouse lives to far enough away it couldn't get a good signal which caused it to skip, shit and shudder. Put the cable back and the problem was no more. No windows reinstall needed after all. So umm yep... like I was saying... a computer God.
And now here's a brand-new, brilliant update from a guy with a sore shoulder. Check it...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the university "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies "In the region of $125k a year, depending on the benefits package". The interviewer inquires "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies "Yeah, but you started it".
--
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. "Doc, my arm hurts real bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor" says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!" "Aha!" says the doctor. "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
--
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called sheep fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days... and each evening they had sheep fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
--
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny" she said "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" "My daddy said it" he responded proudly. "Well, that doesn't matter" explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means". "I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start".
--
A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. "I'm gonna have one more beer" the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd "and if my horse ain't back where I left him when I'm done, I'll do here what I had to do in Houston". The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can't help but ask "Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?" The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man "I had to walk home".
--
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision,
because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
--
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you". The frog is thrilled. "This is great!" "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No" says the psychic. "In biology class".
--
A little boy at a wedding, looks at his mum and says "Mummy, why does the girl wear white?" His mum replies "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life". The boy thinks about this, and then says "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
--
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied "Thank God he's in bed!"
Donald was walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when an assassin steeped forward and aimed a gun. A Secret Service Agent, new on the job, shouted "Mickey Mouse!" This startled the would-be assassin and he was captured by two other Secret Service Agents before he could shoot. Later, the Secret Service Agent's supervisor took him aside and asked "What in the heck made you shout Mickey Mouse?" Blushing, the Agent replied "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck".
--
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY? Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
--
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind " the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognised her laugh!"
--
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh".
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their 'secret' base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying 'you-did-not-see-a-base!' briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GET A TAN... HERE'S AT LEAST 30!
Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighbourhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam.
During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighbourhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.
Everything has changed over the years.
Where once there was Edelstein's Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald's; where Fleischman's Dry Cleaning used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg's Department Store was, there is now a Gap.
Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky's Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.
As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up.
Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?
A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop. Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.
"Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky" Kaplan says "but I used to live in this neighbourhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?"
Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks "Vas dey black vingtips?" "They were indeed" Kaplan only now recalls.
"And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?" "Yes" says Kaplan. "That's exactly what I wanted".
"And you vanted taps on the heels only?" "Yes, yes" says Kaplan. "Amazing! Do you still have them?"
Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says "Dey'll be ready Vendsday".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
TOWER: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??" AIRCRAFT: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me". TOWER: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" AIRCRAFT: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me". TOWER: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?" AIRCRAFT: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".
SENSATIONAL CAMEL TOE ACTION previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - MORE >>
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-I worked geek squad once and a customer told me his iPod gave his jeep a virus and that's why he was having engine trouble now.
-After doing a client very small $1,000 ecommerce site, where everything went well and the site was live with no problems, everyone was happy. A few weeks later he starts complaining because it's not as custom or functional as his high-profile competitor's, including their very extensive ecommerce sections. I explained to him they probably spent well over tens of thousands of dollars on their websites and may even have professional web developers on staff full time to manage it. His reply? "Why can't you just do it? You promised a professional ecommerce website. What's the difference?"
-I worked in the mountains for a while. A number of our summer season customers asked if the patches of white stuff on the higher parts of the mountains was sand.
-Once, while working in the travel section of a bookstore, a customer asked for a globe of Britain.
-Had a tenant of a housing association try to call me out at 2am one morning saying his window wouldn't shut. I ask him why he was calling at that time and how long was that he couldn't shut the window for. he said he hadn't slept in that room for a while because the window wouldn't shut; it had been like that for two years!
-I just started serving at a small but nice Italian/Greek wine bar. The menu is mostly small plates. An older couple came in and sat at a table in the other server's section. I just happened to pass by as the woman was saying "I want a Greek Platter but I don't do olives, I don't do hummus, I don't do cheese and bread hurts my stomach". The Greek Platter is feta, olives, hummus, pita bread and artichokes.
-"This ham and cheese omelette tastes like egg. If I wanted eggs I would have ordered eggs".
-I worked fast food and a customer wanted a cheeseburger, medium fry, and medium drink. I said ok I will ring you up a #1 combo meal. This angered the lady who told me that she didn't want the combo meal just a medium drink, a medium fry, and a cheeseburger. I told her that it would be the same order but this would save her money, but she got even more furious so I politely punched them in separately.
-I was at Starbucks, waiting in line to order coffee. The woman in front of me asked the barista "Does your mocha have coffee in it? Because I don't like coffee". The barista answered that yes, Starbucks mochas -in fact ALL mochas- come with coffee in them. But if she doesn't like coffee, he would be happy to make her a hot chocolate instead. She replied "No, I want a mocha. But make mine without coffee".
-Had a customer the other night complain there was a bone in his T-bone steak, I went out and spoke to him, he said it was too boney! Replaced the perfectly cooked T-bone with an eye fillet.
-I saw an outraged piece of white trash storm into my local AT&T store as I was shopping. She ran up to the counter and screamed at the salesman for selling he a defective iPhone. She said that she had only used it for two days without charging when it suddenly shut off. She plugged it up, even hit it against her table, but nothing would make it turn back on. the salesman smiled, took the phone, held down the lock button, and the iPhone turned on. The lady flipped him off and ran out.
-Guy: "So a Rueben burger comes with swiss, sauerkraut, and thousand island?" Me: "That's right!"
Guy: "What does that mean?" Me: "Um, well, instead of corned beef with swiss, sauerkraut and thousand island dressing, it-" Guy: "OH! Thousand island DRESSING!"
-Working in Hotels I have meet quite a few dim bulbs. One night a woman stormed into the lobby screaming about how our parking garage did not have enough clearance for her jacked up hummer. I explained that there is uncovered parking across the street, and if her Hummer did not fit in the garage, she could park there. She got irate about how it was unsafe and demanded I "Go outside and raise the parking structure with a stick or something". I politely explained that was physically impossible for me to do, and she said "Well, then you shouldn't be working with people!"
-One time I had a customer who couldn't understand what pork was. They kept asking if it was "like chicken or beef?" which we assumed meant they were asking which is more similar to. Turns out, they were "like" as a space filler and they were actually wondering if our pork ribs were from chickens or cows. They were shocked to discover that it was from pigs, as they thought pigs only produced bacon or ham.
-I worked at a helpdesk. One time a lady called in complaining she "charged her internet all night, and now it won't work once she unplugged it from the modem"...
-A 30-ish business-looking man had been doing his coffee business at the stand, when he approached the counter, holding the carton of homogenized milk. "What's homo milk? Is this milk from GAY COWS?!" he demands, utterly seriously, even angrily.
-I didn't have to deal with it, but it was amusing listening to a waiter at an IHOP try to explain to a customer why they couldn't order "Never ending pancakes" to go.
-I had a guest order spaghetti last night. Complains to the server. No... not flavour. It tasted great. Not portion size... that was fine too. No... my spaghetti is too short. I need to modify my menus so that guests know they're getting "Chicken noodle soup noodles instead of spaghetti". Apparently this man was offended by a 12" noodle.
-I work in the maintenance department of a large hotel in Ohio. Have had a guest flip out because her room did not have a TV. I told her to turn around, she spun in a circle (NO lie) I then told her to face the exact opposite direction from where she was and look on the wall above the fireplace. She did and said "Oh, I thought that was one of those fancy digital picture frames".
-I made baby back ribs for a member's banquet. After the function a guy pulls me aside and says:
"Don't lie to me. Did you boil those ribs?" "No I did not. They were started on the grill and then slow roasted for about three and a half hours". "I'm not stupid you know. Did you see how easily the meat came off the bone? The ribs shouldn't be like that. If you cook them the right way you need to bite into it and pull the meat away from the bones". Sometimes you just can't win.
-Back in college, I worked over the summer for a tour bus company in Washington, DC. While driving past the Washington Monument, a woman asked me "How do they get all the flags to fly in the same direction?"
-Client phoned me on a Sunday morning complaining about the shower would not turn off, so he had to shut it down in the loft to isolate it to stop it. On the way there I picked up a spare shower as I thought it was definitely broken. Turns out he thought he was actually turning it on, not off.
-I work at the Philadelphia Zoo. One day I was carrying a chicken to the exercise yard. A man was eagerly following me waiting to see what animal I had inside the carrier. The chicken was reluctant to leave her carrier at first, and when she finally exited the carrier I said "Good bird". Then the man asked me "Why are you calling it a bird if it's a chicken?" I didn't know how to respond without making him sound like a moron.
-I had a client send me a screenshot of his website to point out a problem. What he did was take an actual photo of the screen with his phone, sync it with his computer, paste the photo into a word document, and finally sent me the word document with the picture from his phone.
-Working at Petco. A lady called saying that her Labrador was throwing up blood, and "Do you guys sell a pill that stops this?" I gave in to the undisciplined side of my head and irritatedly responded that if her child was throwing up blood she probably wouldn't be going to Walgreens to find a drug for it, she'd be going to the doctor's and she should probably do the same for her dog.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified" says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you".
"But wait" says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking". "Then show me" replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great you stopped winking" says the interviewer "but we can't have our salesmen womanising all over the country".
"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer. "Oh, that" sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks. "War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!
"What the hell is that?" "War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes".
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt" the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says "Sounds good to me" and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one".
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies "Okay" and, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
Definitely" the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle and wins the match!
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all".
"Nice to meet you" the golfer replies "I'm Father Gleason".
42 GIRLS MUST MEAN THIS GALLERY CONTAINS 84 NICE TITS...!
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice "Easy William, we won't be long... easy, boy".
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy".
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William".
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa!"
Thanks" said the grandpa "but I'm William. The little cunt's name is Kevin".
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left".
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mummy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven".
The little boy replied with a chuckle "You're fucking me, right? You can't even find the Post Office!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Guaranteed not to break the bank... because they're free to access dummy.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Orsm updates are every Thursday. Have I mentioned that before??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will show up to your home or work or wherever you are when it suits him and feign absolute outrage that you've not done this.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and curtsy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.05.10-19.21
Welcome to because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartasss!
I done good with this update. I did done real gooda. Obviously that was in the face of adversity - a weekend family escape ended with a wave of gastro hitting everyone. We know that these bugs are invisible and innocently transferred in ways you don't realise until it's too late meaning there's really nothing you can do... except laugh it off... but don't laugh too hard. And with that I urge you to wash your hands, go forth and enjoy this stellar Orsm update. Check it...
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says "Did you see that?" "No" the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead" the first guy says. "Oh" says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there". "Oh". A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
--
A man speaks frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
--
The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off".
--
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?" The man said "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare".
--
Darren marries this girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher. Darren screams "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?" She says "Well, you always knew I was a flirt".
--
One day Little Timmy comes home from school yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!" "Well that's great, son" his father replied "I'm very proud of you!" So the next day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is very excited "Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at school we had to name all of the colours in class and I got them all right! The teacher said I did very good!" And his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!" The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came in yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis! I was very happy!" "Well son" his father replied "that's because YOUR 18!"
--
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
--
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
--
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin ploughing". Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class".
--
A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator".
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home. She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away.
--
Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mum walking into the customs area with eight children all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
--
I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No I don't. And why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I Chinese?" "No" I said "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shit!"
--
My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore. So I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt, and generally offends everyone around him on the course?" "Certainly not, dear" she replied. "Well, neither would he".
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there".
fter some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but was convinced to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self-control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so cold down here?" Pete asks. "Well you just try bending down for firewood!" the devil replied.
BOX GAP - AN EXCELLENT FEATURE ON WITH WHICH TO RATE A... BOX.
A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air.
The ship starts to come his way!
He gets all excited and thinks 'Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!'
At this, he finally gets a massive erection.
He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells "Ha ha ha!! Fooled ya! I lied about the ship!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties.
The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS".
Our friend turned around and said "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"
Our friend again turned around and said "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, our friend turned around and asked "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy answered "It's running down your back, dude!"
38 GIRLS MAKING THEMSELVES BEAUTIFUL GETTING READY TO GO OUT
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow... that looks deep!" "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is".
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeeeesus. That is REALLY deep... here... throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise".
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says "Hey... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise!"
The two guys drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and dives into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
Nah" says the farmer "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie".
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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane". The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East".
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear" she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear" says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you".
Well, how long will it take for him to get here" she asks feebly? "No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through".
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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California.
They agree to meet every ten years in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend.
Just forward ten years, age 30, they finish their round and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..." "OK".
Ten years later at 40 they play.
Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games". "OK".
Ten years later at 50.
Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "The food is good and there is plenty of parking". "OK".
At 60.
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Wings are half price". "OK"
At 70...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door". "OK".
At the ripe old age of 80...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "We've never been there before".
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature".
Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!?"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. No one has regretted it... yet. -SORRY BUT THERE WILL BE *NO* update next update will be next Thurmsday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will build a time machine so he can travel back to when you were a little kid and murder your whole family so you end up in foster care, are abused, slide into a life of crime and chaos, eventually turn to drugs and end up dead age 27 after an overdose. People will say you had a tragic life but it could all have been avoided if you'd not made Ray do what he did.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and feel free to sexualise me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.05.03-17.37
Welcome to people formerly known as 'loved ones'.
So I was in the supermarket the other day. Whoa slow down Orsm this is getting good already... right? Annnnyway was walking through the fruit and veg section and spotted some red apples. These apples looked fucking delicious. I sashayed toward them as the urge to enjoy one on the drive home began to overcome me. Took my time to select a perfect specimen and as I reached apple-ward, realised it was covered in an unappetising layer of protective wax. From there I moved swiftly towards the nearby deli counter and asked the lady serving if she could please wash my apple. An disappointed "No" and head shake came back at me. "What. Why?" "The water could drip on the floor, someone could slip over" "Whhaa..? It's an apple..." "You'll need to put it in a bag, pay for it at front registers, come back in and I'll wash it". "What. Seriously? How about you wash it while I get a bag, put the washed apple in the bag, then I go pay for it?" "We're really not supposed to..."
Thankfully she caved. I took that washed fucking apple, paid and ate it on the way home. 1) her rinsing skills suck as up to 100% of the wax remained and 2) the apple was shit. Honestly how did we get here? Has it stemmed from shit-for-brains like this trying to sue for compensation or is there an apple dripping epidemic I've been oblivious to? Next time I'll buy a chocolate bar But until then... check it...
Teacher says to the class "Tell me a word beginning with "A". Of course Billy says "Arse". He gets told off and the teacher then asks for a word beginning with "B". Jenny says "Bollocks". Again she gets told off. The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D". Johnny calls out "Dwarf". The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is. Johnny replies "A short arsed cunt with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor!"
--
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
--
Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks "What about you? Do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees". "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
--
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed that bitch over.
--
Seth was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy" he said to her "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million". Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
--
What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection? Cracker with cheese.
--
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said "Go on then... try". After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said "Come on, what day was I born?" I said "Yesterday".
--
"Dad is it better to pass or fail?" "To pass of course" "Oh good you'll be proud of me! I passed my pregnancy test"
--
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing" replied his friend "fire away". "Well" said the first guy "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment" replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well" replied his friend "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
--
Two men were finishing their work day and one said "I hate to go home!" Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed". His co-worker asked "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?" As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied "I AM married!!"
There's been a bad accident at my local Indian restaurant. Hope to god the chef pulls through. The last I heard he'd slipped into a korma.
--
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore". "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since" replied Jack. "That must be expensive". Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month". Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "I don't know, that's his problem".
--
"Cash or card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No" she replied "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally".
--
A pastor is finishing up his sermon on Sunday morning... "In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed". So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit. "How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says "and it's a great chapter, amen??" There are shouts of "amen!" from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks. "Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying".
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick" said the boy "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk!?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me".
The old man whispered "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?"
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO GET DRESSED AT THE BEACH WITH ALL THE CREEPS AROUND?
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social worker raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills".
Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet".
The social worker was finally satisfied and asked "What age of child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter... as long as the kid fits in the cannon".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it".
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed onto the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all knew how to cover the story. Their banner headlines read "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
33 BABES WITH RIDICULOUSLY HOT BODIES THAT *MUST* BE SEEN 😎
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Do you like to read a good murder mystery? This is NOT a true story but remains a good read.
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist...
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote...
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
But before Johnny began to open his mouth, Susie says "Abraham Lincoln".
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home".
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says "Martin Luther King".
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go".
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says "John F. Kennedy".
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave".
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their freakin' mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. See ya tomorrow!"
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A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP for President button, and two beers in front of him.
He does not have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican".
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.
The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican.
He continues to smile, and again yells "Thank you!" The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican.
As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells "Thank you!"
The union boss asks the bartender "What the hell is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly prick does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner "Okay, I want to buy a pet, but something special, something different". The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
he owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" Again the centipede says nothing.
arting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting fucking my shoes on!"
A guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says "Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything". So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket.
The guy asks the Indian "What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?"
The Indian says "Eggs".
The guy gets mad and says that answer proves nothing, and he gets in his car and drives away.
10 years later the guy and his family are on vacation in Arizona when the guy passes the same sign "Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian that remembers everything". So the guy pulls over and sure enough there is the same Indian, sitting on a bucket under a canopy. The guy walks up to the Indian and raises his hand and says "How".
Three contractors bid on repair to the white house fence. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well" he says "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me".
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me".
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers "$27,000".
The official, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the other guys!! How did you come up with such a high figure??"
The Chicago contractor whispers back "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence!" "Done!" replies the government official.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I have no idea why you wouldn't wanna. Its like, no it IS, denying yourself pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm very serious about this. You have 1 week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will kick your dog.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you can't do the f-ing speed limit at least f-ing keep left. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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