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| orsmupdate 2007.05.31-23.07 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. That's because you're a Wookie.
Zdravo. How the hell are you guys this week? Me... good. Thankfully a lot less angry than I was last week and a lot more chilly. Screw winter. Screw winter and its stupid cold shit.
After more than seven weeks I am happy to announce that the 2007 Fridge Fiasco is finally over! I said last week if I didn't have something happening by Monday then I was going to cut my losses and just cough up for a new fridge. So come Monday morning I made my call to LG and re-explained the situation for the millionth time. The lady was quite helpful and after about ten minutes worked out the fax they had asked me for didn't arrive. I sent it again and received a letter today explaining the deal...
LG's policy is to reimburse pro-rata. In other words, whatever government agency decides this stuff has decreed a refrigerator should last at least seven years. Mine lasted five so divide what I paid for it by seven, multiply by the two years I never got and that's how much I'm getting a cheque for. Sounds fair to me and even better I can buy any brand fridge I want.
The sad/funny part is the trail of non-working luxuries [read: essentials] doesn't stop there - there's a whole bunch of other shit that's broken lately: my much loved coffee machine, my camera, the TV remote and DVD player... all within the last couple of months. Seriously what the fuck is it with the stuff in this place? Setting aside the fact that I'm a 20-something material boy [living in a material world], I just want shit to work, how it should and for a long time.
Any Sopranos fans out there? Only two episodes left until it's all over and I cant fucking wait. I've got a few theories which all involve death but I'm predicting a God Father III style ending in which Meadow or AJ get blown away. Anyone else got a decent theory? Whatever happens I just hope it isn't as lame as the Heroes season finale. Guess we'll see...
Moving on... I should probably cut to my 'me' wrap-up because as everyone knows and will attest to it's the only reason you guys comes here...
Friday night my sister calls. Says she's doing some cooking and I was welcome to come over for dinner. Sounded good so I head over and soon realise that it was me who was doing the cooking on account of a dinner party they were attending the next night. I can live with that I said... not everyone is as good in the kitchen as me [or Gordon Ramsay] so Iron Chef Orsm was happy to help. Anyway a couple of glasses of wine, some gossiping and several demonstrations of just how good I am later and it was a pretty relaxing Friday night all over.
Saturday kicked off with a bang. My PC has been running like a pig for a while so I decided to pull it apart and see if I could fix a few things. I replaced some cables, cable-tied, de-dusted everything and stuck it all back together and the damn thing just didn't want to start. It would run for a while then 'ting' shutdown. Extremely frustrating and even more so having to wait until Monday to get a replacement.
Saturday night was full of action. I fell asleep by 1am, woke up at 2am busting for a piss and then again at 3am with a phone call from mother dearest telling me to get over to hers URGENTLY! "What the!?" "I think someone is trying to break in!" "Call the cops... I'm on my way!!". With that I hung up, grabbed my brother and we bombed it there at record speed. Turned out someone had hurled a rock through the front window which, to a woman at home by herself, was terrifying. And why would someone do that? Absolutely no idea. All we know is that a neighbour heard kids run off laughing. Real funny...
Okay enough dribbling on. Let's get on with this because it's a bloody good one I assure you...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As
featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the
top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay
for porn ever again if they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Angry Woman - Abra Academy - Libido Smasher - Jigglies - Hard Fuck - Black Gurls - The Challenge - Sasha
The Urinal Dash - Smokin' Hot - Big K.O. - Sexy Stormtrooper - Erik-ah - Cum Slut - Chick Fight!! - Temper Tanty
Paintball IS War - Brownie Overdose - Aussie Speak - Alba Pokies - Wow Rhianna - Holy Arses - Perfection - Nikky
Micheal Jackson is at the Neverland ranch with several young boys, and is frolicing in the hot tub with the group, when all of a sudden some sperm floats to the surface of the water, and Micheal says " OK, which one of you fellas farted".
--
I was out driving the other day and I ran into the back of another car. This little dwarf gets out, stomps up to my car and says "I aint happy!". So I said "I don't give a fuck, just tell me which one you are!?"
--
One day, long, long ago there was this girl who surprisingly, wasn't a headcase... but this was a long time ago... and it was just ONE day! The End.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
ORSM
VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
SNAPPIN' ONE OFF...
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
POWER DUMP POOPIE: The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* - a poopie!
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Cam girls, celebrity sex tapes, DVD-quality porn, and thousands upon thousand of pics from tasty teens to sexy MILF's and it's ALL for FREE! Ranked in the Top 500 websites on the entire internet - MyFreePaysite.com is exactly that and all you need to join is a working email address. It's that simple! Click here to check it out.
READER MAIL
With the PC and email out of action all weekend I felt a bit disconnected from the world. It was also a bit deceiving how much email flooded in but as you guys will see below there was a tonne of it...
If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff ogled by millions thus enlarging your e-penis then we're always keen on compromising pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all good! All you need to do is click here and make the magic happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pictures
orsm hey whats up? Love the site been checking it out for awhile now. I finally got around to uploading some pics from my phone of this chick that I dated for about 8 months. She fucked with me so here's my revenge lol. Please dont post my details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fw: Supporter Letter Football
You have to love the supporters. I hope you can use this. Cheers
I'm sure the Dreo Dockers get plenty of these letters as well... -Orsm
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Amber wrote:
Subject: joey
I have a pic here of a rare rainforest wallaby Joey I rescued from the pouch of his dead mum, tragic roadside accident.. Unfortunately the poor little bugger didn't make it thru the night, he was just a bit too little.. But they're ugly little critters at this stage aren't they? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: flipa-hoes
orsm, thanks for your site, it is in fact the shit. Just got back from the PI and thought you might like these pics from an orgy as it essentially was. 1 sailor, 8 marines, and plenty of poon to go around. I recomend angeles city or manila to anybody looking to fullfill that little asian in them. urr yut. |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Some Pix
Hey, love ya work. Here's a few Number plates I have snapped around BrisVegas. Heaps more images & videos at tinmansplace.multiply.com if anyone is interested..... Enjoy. |
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T S wrote:
Subject: Submission!
ORSM Love your site! Look forward to all the new updates come Thursday, here is my contribution. Met this when she was on vacation here in Hawaii. She sent me pictures I requested. Enjoy! More where this came from. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more of wifie
just some more of wifie playing wit me dic hold info please cheers |
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pepe wrote:
Subject: sleeping woman
hi everybody just want to say this panty it is so nice !!!!! and she most beautiful when she is sleeping. mama mia!!!!!! |
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The Nightrider wrote:
Subject: Skippy torn between Misubishi and Ford???????????
Hi there orsm. this is what can happen when a roo gets bounced of ford into a oncoming magna in the hunter valley NSW Australia ( yer Roo ) driver got a broken wrist & covered in guts, the green looking stuff is grass, that's what they eat. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The things you find in a van...
Hi, Love your site. Here is what a single german tourist left behind in his campervan, was found when they went to clean it after he had dropped it off. |
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DAVID NAPIER wrote:
Subject: Cool video
Hello Mr. ORSM, Great site and all, love your work. Got a video here that you and others might enjoy. It's from a bar out in Monroe, Washington (by Seattle) call JR
Phinickey's. The bartenders there (Todd and Jack) are making a round of "Flaming Monkey Fuckers". Great drinks but the best part is that they blow fire to light the drinks and in turn they light the bar, the barstools, the hanging decorations, themselves, etc. Good shit. Very impressive to see when you are drunk as hell. |
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Kevin wrote:
Subject: Fairlane burnout
Hi there, This is a video of Bathurst race day at a friends house , the deal was to do a small burnout on his newly laid driveway or you didn't gain entry to the party. I got first prize for the best burnout.................. cheers |
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Gav wrote:
Subject: Monster trucks at Mackay
Hey ORSM, Great site you have... thought you might like to see what happens when we let the inner bogan out for the night and see some awesome horsepower having some fun in Mackay. Keep up the great work............ |
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
ORSM
VIDEO
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Caprice cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em up!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem, you're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and, understandably, was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful, selfish, arrogant pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - your faithful wife, mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!!" The husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
The husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."
"Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
"The husband took a quick breath and continued "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
RANDOM SHITE
Go on... put it in your mouth.... swallow it all down... thats the way... you love my Shite... dontcha...? Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you - I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot for young lovers. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing so he carefully approaches to get a closer look.
Inside he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11minutes."
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times, "the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once, " he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
ORSM
VIDEO
We've come so far and it's been a brilliant journey of self-awakening so with that, I good you bid evening.
- Check out the site archives... they're so hot right now!
- Next update will be next Thursday... and I'll keep saying it until you listen!
- Tell all your mates to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get upset when you tell him that all the other homeless people laugh at him for being so poor.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Rub my hand on your crotch? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember that any more than three shakes is a wank. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.05.24-22.37 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. If you wake up with a hangover, don't remember the night before and your mouth taste like shit then you probably got arse-to-mouthed...
I don't quite know what's wrong with me this week. Everything is more or less normal except I've been in an extremely foul mood. Like anger bordering on blood-boiling rage. Very unusual... I don't get like that. Ever. It peaked Tuesday after managing about three hours sleep the night before and I spent the whole day waiting/praying for someone to push my buttons so I could unleash. Thankfully [or is it unfortunately?] no one dared and I got past it. All the negative energy did have an upside though and I took the opportunity to sort some shit I'd been procrastinating over. Fan-fairy-tastic.
I gave my two cents on the David Hicks thing back in March and it's nice to see we weren't disappointed. For starters Hicks' trip home from Guantanamo was in a cushy private jet at the bargain price of $500k. Add to that the [grossly under-]estimated $300k in legal fees, the cost to keep him incarcerated for the next seven months and various incidentals, I'd say $1M is barely a glint on the horizon. And all that without taking into account the cost of ongoing monitoring and surveillance once he's released...
What does this tell us? It's simple - if you can't afford a trip in a private jet it's probably because your income has been swallowed up in the form of tax dollars paying for terrorists to enjoy the privilege instead.
What a joke. I can think of a million better ways to spend a million bucks: $20k each for fifty first home buyers; an extra $10k a year for 100 nurses; a buy back scheme for Police radar equipment; higher salaries for politicians [haha!]; strippers and hookers; OR twenty thousand cartons of Crown Lager for a BBQ at my place.
Let's move on from the titillating social commentary [before anyone realises I never made it past the 11th grade] and fill the rest of my blog with what's been shakin'...
Fridge update. Six weeks in and I am practically no better off than I was six weeks ago. It does my head in just thinking about it but to paraphrase the events of the last few weeks: lots and lots of fruitless phone calls and STILL no resolve. LG have clarified/explained the terms of their warranty [obviously to avoid me demanding a brand new fridge] and are apparently writing to me. I'm about ready to give up so if I don't have an answer by early next week then I'll bite the bullet and go shopping...
Moving on... a bright, early and full of energy start to Saturday was somehow thwarted as the computer absorbed me into doing whatever I do when I sit here. It took a couple of hours and three killer espressos to finally get moving at which point wanton destruction of various overgrown garden elements did begin. And so did the damn rain... which meant spending the afternoon dodging the sudden downpours and risking electrocution from the hedge trimmer.
After that it was off to buy a present... something I hate doing but it ended up being a complete no-brainer. Why? Mathematics: present required for a girl + Mothers day a week before = "I'll get the same thing". That's maths right? Or science? See above for more info on my education.
Saturday night was a birthday thing at the aforementioned friends place and then off into the city for another birthday celebration and as if that wasn't enough there was ANOTHER birthday acknowledgement on Sunday in the form of lawn bowls.
By the time Sunday was over I was shagged. I continued on with the gardening crap and managed to get a huge amount dug out and on the kerb ready for collection which means all that remains now is some mulching to deter weeds and I am sorted for the next six months. Happy days are nigh.
Okay enough... I'm in a weird 'writey' mood today and probably could have crapped on for another page but I sense some of you who actually bothered to read this are falling asleep so grab your Fleshlight and let's get on with it...
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As
featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the
top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay
for porn ever again if they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Hot Hallie - Sensational Butt - Cool Game - Worst Movies - Food Fight - Tasty Teen - Prank-tastic - MILF Redhead
Chix Dancing - Super Fighter - Lil' Ho - Euro Babe - Group Fuck - So Sexy - Skank Sack - Sweet Vicki - Bad Hubby
Avril Lavigne - Kyra Kool - Mischa's Nip - Brit's Bra - Train Flasher - Hurts To Watch - The King - Hot Dame - Panties
A guy goes out clubbing and spots this lovely looking Chinese girl and without a moment to lose asks her to dance. They get on very well, more dances, a few drinks and at the end of the night she asks him "would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" which of course he does. They arrive at her flat and she tells him to sit down, have a drink while she slips on something more comfortable. Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see though nightie and says "tonight I'm you're complete sex slave, you can do anything you want" to which he replies "wow that's great, I'd really like a 69!". "Fuck off!" she says, "I'm not cooking this time of night!"
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A guy goes to see his doctor about a problem that he has. Once in the surgery, the doc asks the guy what is wrong with him. The guy replies "well doc, you see I've got this problem and it's really quite embarrassing..." "Go on," says the doctor. "Well," continues the guy "I've got an orange penis..." "Never!" says the doctor "I'm sorry but I don't believe you."
So the man pulls down his trousers and underpants, 'whips it out' and sure enough there for all to see is a bright orange penis. "Well I never," says the doc. "This is a form of a rash that I have seen in other parts of the body, but never 'there', and it's normally caused by great amounts of stress in a person's life - can you tell me about your work life?"
The guy replies "well, I got sacked two months ago..." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "I really hated my last job - the hours were terrible, the work was boring and my boss was a total prick. Now I've got a new job with better pay, better hours, it's interesting and my boss is cool."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your home life?" To this the guy replies "Well, I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "She was a real bitch, my ex-wife. All she did all day was nag, nag, nag - I'm so glad to be rid of her."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your social life?" To this the guy replies "err... well I don't really have one - most nights I just stay home, watch porn and eat Cheetos..."
ORSM
VIDEO
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble. The first man said "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?" The man said "buy me a drink and I'll tell you..."
The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. Great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island."
"Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all, so I said well, how about a little head then?"
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy anniversary Mum and Dad," rushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Brisbane between court hearings and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."
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READER MAIL
Got a pretty mixed bag for you guys this week and there's some absolute gems too. The only said thing is I still haven't found the time to get the tonnes of other mail lying around up on the site but its bound to happen eventually...
Anyway if you would like to submit/contribute/bequeath something to Orsm.net and have it ogled by hundreds of thousands of people then we are always on the lookout for compromising pics of your Ex or current girl, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all welcome! All you must do is click here and send, send, send!
Big Blue Pappy wrote:
Subject: Coming Home Video
Greetings ORSM,
I have enjoyed your site for years – keep on doing what you do.
I am the son of a WWII Vet – First wave of U S Army to hit Normandy. I now have grandbabies of my own.
My dad was my best friend when I became of age. He was my hero when I was young. He is still my hero 20+ years after his passing. In the response to the sub-humans who felt:
"Some people loved it... some people though it was "totally gay, dude"... –Orsm". Please send them to the Southeastern US where we value the Daddy & Son and Mommy & Daughter bond.
It is how we shape the future of our world. We will use all of our Southern Charm to persuade them their thinking is flawed either by a good old-fashioned porch –talkin' to, or, if they don't respond to reason a good old-fashioned down-home ass whoopin'! Once again, Enjoy your Site and keep up the good work. This American Hillbilly (Redneck) loves you Aussies! A lot of similarities in different geographies. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: mobile phone theft
recently had a mobile phone stolen and it really pisses me off they can track it but no one will do anything about it. In my searchs to find out about tracking i discovered this website: antitheft.net.au and think its fucking briliant... If everyone ran this software mobile phone theft in my would litterally stop.
This is exactly the type of email I like deleting but that's a bloody good idea... -Orsm
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brenda wrote:
Subject: policecar in disabled bay
if the person that took that photo contacts the ranger in the shire responsible for that area, with time, date and photo, pc plod will be up for a max of $1ooo fine. as a person with a disability it pisses me off when jerks like that park in bays that they have no need for. |
Roger wrote:
Subject: Just can't dump it
I've had this pic on my system for years, just can't bring myself to delete it... (it's a) good friend with a very broad mind. |
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Sensations For Adults wrote:
Subject: Pictures
this is one of the pictures that a girl l now is sending me , she is flirting with me but won't come thru with the goods,bitch,no l am sick of it so you can have them for your site hey.!! hope you like them, we are both from melb, thanks orsm love your site hey. more pics of tasty asses please. |
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Roger wrote:
Subject: Check this out
Hi Orsm, I'm a dude from Holland. I love your work. I allways check your site for updates. With this mail I send you a picture of a friend of mine. Perhaps you can post it. I think the pic is really cool. |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Fire fighting in the dunes... Dubai style
Sand works in putting out fires..... but if the fire is under the bonnet it does not help all that much ! Stupid ! As you can see the Emergency services are improving !! |
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Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: F-Bomb
Holden F-Series in Fremantle...
That is just so cool. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Going a little fast!
Went to this accident for work. Apparently, two guys were joy riding in their own car when they ploughed into a parked car. One was seen leaving the scene very sick and helped by his mate. |
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kayne wrote:
Subject: Day at the Cricket. Adelaide Oval..
Love Ya site. Hope this is good enough.. Steve this is for you.. Memories of a day at the Cricket. Adelaide Oval."THE HILL" 06.. |
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Gerry wrote:
Subject: Seat belts and Satellite phones
Hi Mr ORSM. Thought I would send you these pics of a boulder that came crashing down onto highway 16, on Tuesday, February 20th, 50 km east of Terrace, BC, Canada. We have had really mixed weather, snow, torrential rain, snow, freezing thaw. This is the mail truck, he came around the corner and had no time to stop. The driver is ok with 2 black eyes and a couple of stitches in his head, seatbelt burns and bruises from the dash etc. He's back to work driving another truck a couple days later. The satellite phone paid off getting help. So big had to be drilled and blasted. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf stuff
Read below from my mate Jonathan in Canada! This chick (attached) was the girlfriend of a friend of jasons here and she cheated on him so this guy posted these pics of her on the net. I know u will enjoy them! |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Pics of some chick
Hey now... love the site, check it out weekly.... anyways lets keep things short and sweet.... I met this chick off of the net... she had a boyfriend... didn't bother me... the only time I could see her was when her boyfriend was off to bed... whatever right.... anyways two weeks go by I get my friends old lady to pick her up at her house and we go to a movie.... end up the four of us go out for drinks afterwords and well before you know it the bars closing and we all get kicked out just hammered.... we all go back to my place and well I do what I need to do to this chick finally and well my so called friends answer her phone when the boyfriend calls and tells him where I live.... a little time goes by and I am on the verge of passing out with this chick naked beside me when suddenly the boyfriend and a buddy of his burst into my bedroom and beat me with a baseball bat.... fun times lol.... so yeah thought I would share some pics with the world.... this happened January 4th and I still have a bruise on my chest |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mackay Harbour
Might be a boat going cheap in Mackay... Details are sketchy on how it happened. Apparently the throttle and forward gear got jammed on full. It hit the north wall of the harbour at about 25-30 knots, that's why it is so far up the wall. As you can see it is now on the bottom awaiting retrieval. Attempts to float it failed. 1.8 million worth of 60 ft boat. What a waste...... |
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
ORSM VIDEO
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is.
Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long, says goodbye and flies away.
Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up.
Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks to himself 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her'.
So, he flies down, does his business and in 4 seconds he's 100 miles awayaway. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"
An executive was in a bind. Times were tough and he had to get rid of one member of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two people: Mary and Jack. The decision was hard to make as they were both equally senior, equally qualified, and both did excellent work. He finally decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be let go.
Mary came in the next day and was dreadful hangover - she had really been partying the night before. She went over to the water fountain to get some water, so she could take some aspirin, when the executive approached her and said,
"Mary, I have never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache."
After checking into the large motel complex, the self-styled evangelist read in his room for several hours, then sauntered over to the bar, where he struck up a conversation with the pretty bartender.
After she had finished working, they shared a few drinks and then retired to his room. But when the evangelist began removing her blouse, she seemed to have second thoughts."Are you sure this is all right?" she asked. "I mean, you're a holy man." "My dear," he replied, "it is written in the Bible."
She took him at his word, and the two spent a very pleasant night together. The next morning, however, as the girl was preparing to leave, she said, "You know, I don't remember the part of the Bible you mentioned last night. Could you show it to me?"
In response, the evangelist took the Gideon Bible from the night stand, opened the cover, and pointed to the flyleaf, on which someone had inscribed, "The bartender puts out."
ORSM VIDEO
I'm pretty thrashed after this one so I'll forgo the long goodbyes and get on with it...
- Check out the site archives... like I checked out your sister...
- Next update will be next Thursday. Why? Because Thursday is update day.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call you at 6.50am for no apparent reason because he's too ignorant to be aware of the time difference from east to west thus forcing you to block him on MSN.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Rub my hand on your crotch? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and may the force be with you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.05.17-23.22 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Despite what everyone says about you [thinking you're a retard... gayer than Elton John... a no mate... a small dick... no personality... and only good for making jokes about]... I think you're a great guy. By the way can I borrow some money please?
I'm not exactly sure how or why but this week has flown by at record pace. A flurry if you will... or quickly if you wont. It will also be remembered as the sad, fateful week that winter arrived...
I've crapped on about this before in relation to the first Sunday of summer. That's the good one - always a Sunday and marked with the sun finally emerging after months of banishment to the other hemisphere. The first day of winter on the other hand is when the cold really arrives. Monday was that day... well Monday night/Tuesday morning to be exact and it was fucking freezing to the point I woke up as my balls retracted up and rested just south of my tonsils. Some of you guys will probably laugh when I say it dropped to 4°C [40°F] but to go from high 20's only days before it was fucking brutal. It's definitely going to be a long, cold, sucky winter.
I don't know if it's just me but lately I've noticed an alarmingly high number of people rampantly picking their noses in public. When I'm in the car I like to take in what's going on and most of the time this involves watching other drivers do stupid things and of course trying to spot hot chicks with huge racks. Lately though, every time I stop at the lights and look back in my mirror there is some arsehole digging away like there is no tomorrow.
By far the worst offender was a tubby dude I spotted the other day who was in almost up to his elbow. I probably could have lived with that if he hadn't followed it up by sucking his finger clean. No shit. Pick... EAT. Pick... EAT. Honestly one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen but he was LOVING it and the look on his face was one of "I've been waiting all day for this nasal banquet and now finally - pay dirt". [If you've got any good stories of shocking human indecency email me!]
Talking of driving... is there some conspiracy amongst Perth drivers to target me? I ask because five times in two days last week I was almost cleaned up in exactly the same way! How? By fuckstains suddenly moving over into my lane but not actually bothering to check if anyone was there. I nail the brakes, get on the horn, raise the bird and unleash a tirade of "where the fuck did you learn to fucking drive retard!?" and always get the same 'sorry but I am far too lazy and ignorant to check my mirrors' wave. It's inevitable I'm going to get wiped out again... just like the previous three times...
Moving on... my weekend was pretty damn good. Early start to do some fridge hunting [yes the saga continues but more on that next week!] and then to off to find a Mothers Day presents. I'd usually avoid shopping at all costs on account of how damn busy everything was but my god you have never seen so many quality girls in one place. It was like a cleavage competition. Definitely worth the hassle. The rest of Saturday was pretty mellow and filled with entertaining the dog and watching Sin City on a mates strong recommendation. Unfortunately he is now no longer a mate...
We decided to do Mothers Day a bit differently this year so instead of sitting down to some long-winded, bloating lunch the idea was to help Mum de-junk the house a bit. She's a classic hoarder and as a large chunk of the stuff hoarded away belonged to me, my brother and sister it made sense that we should go through it. To be honest I was dreading it [ever tried arguing with a hoarder?] but some of the stuff we found brought back some long forgotten childhood memories. Matchbox cars I used to play with as a five year old... a wrist watch I had in grade three... and a gaming console made in the mid-70's. Some very cool shit and all up quite a successful venture plus we got rid of a lot of junk and had a few laughs. The bad part is we barely even scratched the surface. I guess there's always next Mothers Day...
Okay let's get on with this superbly stunning update. If you have any doubts about just how good it'll be then I point you at the site archives to see for yourself that it really is possible for one person to consistently peak every single...
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14"
--
A little girl comes home from school, "Mummy Mummy! I got an A in class today!"
The Mum looks at the girls and says. "What do you care - you've got cancer."
--
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet. The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you cunt!!"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night whilst on stage, dummy on knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologise, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
ORSM VIDEO
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the Ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his Pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact noney is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady... can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not!? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Ten'see, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
Cam girls, celebrity sex tapes, DVD-quality porn, and thousands upon thousand of pics from tasty teens to sexy MILF's and it's ALL for FREE! Ranked in the Top 500 websites on the entire internet - MyFreePaysite.com is exactly that and all you need to join is a working email address. It's that simple! Click here to check it out.
READER MAIL
It's been a huge mail week. Offers of sex from legions of adoring, big breasted female fans continued to pour in as did at least 25% of all spam on the internet. As for everything else... well as you'll see below there was bloody tonnes of it and every last skerrick was quality!
For everyone who has been slacking it and not shared or contributed - right here is the place to do it! We're always always on the lookout for pics of your tasty girlfriend, revenge pics, messed up videos, jokes or whatever you think is Orsm-worthy! Just click here to make it happen.
Marcus wrote:
Subject: Stoning Vid
Paul was pretty down on "Religion" over that vid and I can't say I blame him.
I notice it took a few thousand brave men to subdue a terrified 14 year old girl, what heroes!
Pretty fucking horrific and I still can't understand in what reality bashing and stoning a girl [or guy for that matter] to death could ever be reasonably justified. Seems like plenty of people agree too as there were a tonne of responses to this video... you can check them out here as well as a different video clip of how it all went down. -Orsm
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< with held> wrote:
Subject: Aussie SAS
Hey, just in regards to the link you had attached "Aussie SAS". That was
actually 42nd Royal Queensland Regiment, the Army Reserve unit for members
serving in the Rockhampton, Gladstone, Biloela and Mackay area. That video
was made by one of the soldiers when we were holding an exercise at the end
of '05, just in case you are remotely interested. Could you throw this on
your site and we might get some more people to join from what seems to be
Aussie towns full of unpatriotic soft cocks. |
Geoff wrote:
Subject: Coming Home
G'day Mate,
I just finished my weekly perusal of the site and was moved by the video "coming home". I am an ex serviceman and feel that the video says it all in relation to parents coming home and the childrens reactions.
Well done and thanks for sharing that one.
Some people loved it... some people though it was "totally gay, dude"... -Orsm
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Joe wrote:
Subject: The Court Hotel
Love your site. Love all the unusual photos and stuff that gets shown. I found one I thought your readers might appreciate. The Court Hotel in Perth is being renovated and the building is surrounded by secure fences. This is the sign displayed on the fence.
For those who don't know - The Court is a popular gay bar... -Orsm
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Craig wrote:
Subject: A few pics from Canton Airport
Heya ORSM. Upon returning to Guangzhou (Canton) from holidays last week we found this waiting in the baggage collection area, it seems like the baggage handlers were having a bad day. Keep up the good work, the site is great. I've been a regular visitor for a few years now and have even contributed phtos once or twice (I know, you've heard it all before) |
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Norman wrote:
Subject: a mind is a terrible thing to waste
I am from Charleston West Virginia, highly educated living amongst idiot rednecks, i came across this and took the picture with my cellphone. Please hide my email and name, i thought you would appreciate more than most. Enjoy |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big Bad Draino
I think someone wasnt happy with their work so they decided to show them how the spray gun should be used.
That gives me a good idea... -Orsm
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Excavator Driver wanted
Excavator Driver wanted - based onsite - good rates of pay
Really quite ingenious actually... -Orsm
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Sean wrote:
Subject: Vegetarian
She loves her vegetables!!! My insatiable fuck buddy. Always ready, willing and very wet. Also loves a champagne bottle up her pussy as well. Prim and proper in public but a sex loving wildcat in private. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Love the site
Hey, Love the site. Here's some pics of a horny swinging chick we hooked up with a couple of months ago. Keep my details to yourself! |
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Jake wrote:
Subject: X GF PICS
Hey here is "The asian" please post her with all her glory and allow my friends to laugh now that i took her, took her pic, and shook her the fuck out. i've said my shit in the past, but nothing better than a bunch of naked x gf pics? |
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Uwe wrote:
Subject: At Paris-CDG last week
Hello Mr. Orsm, look at this stuff... maybe you can use it for your incredible site...: It happened last week at Paris-CDG. The captain started the engines after the push-back while the ground handlers were still under the aircraft, EL-AL 747-400 (4X-ELD). The push tractor was moving away from the aircraft with its tow bar when the inside right engine suddenly hit its cab. [continues]
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Al wrote:
Subject: Friday funs
Yo 0rsm mate. I make these each week and send them around the world to friends. Incase you're interested have a copy mate and keep up the excellent work on your great site for which in never miss viewing each week. Cheers. |
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fnz fnz wrote:
Subject: Video of fall
Hi Mr ORSM. Hello from Mexico. She is a Mexican singer, but she sings better in the ground.... ops.
Now thats what I call a gold medal face-planting... -Orsm
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Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button... Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, "You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher's husband would be calling any minute. Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst, asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
ORSM VIDEO
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... how did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognise you."
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhoea... and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhoea... and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got phyrrea... and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms... and you know I just love to fish..."
ORSM VIDEO
I'll say it again - this week has just gone far too fast. I distinctly remember writing last weeks epilogue as it if were only a couple of hours ago. Scary. And I suppose that means I'll be writing next weeks a bit later this evening right...? [note to self: remember to get washing of the line - its going to rain tonight.]
- Check out the site archives. They're better than dropping 3 x Green Mitsubishi's at once...
- Next update will be next Thursday - the 144th day and 21st update of the year.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray won't save the cheerleader OR the world...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and LMD with your CSL. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.05.10-23.21 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Until further notice: smoking is not cool.
I'm copping it from every angle this week. There's a crap load of bits and pieces going on around me that seemingly all need my direct attention five minutes ago. This is meant to be my quiet season too... where I can put my feet up and finally spend some time spiting people that have annoyed me over the last few months but once again we come to a point where my popularity is at an all time high amongst my family and peers.
Okay I'm going to jump right in to me and my week and completely skip the riveting social commentary people flock here for. Why? Because I haven't watched the news, turned on a radio, left the house or seen any friends so I either crap on about ME... or Big Brother 2007 [and why I think TJ is going to be evicted and Aliesha is the hottest and and and]...
Saturday... spent most of it working and waiting for the footy replay to start. It was a local game which means TV doesn't broadcast it until a couple of hours later and I went to great lengths to dodge everything and anyone who may give away the result.
And then the game starts. And I sit down. And I enjoy it thoroughly... until the beginning of the second half that is. And then the phone rings and its mother-dearest. And the first thing out of her mouth is "So the Eagles are still undefeated huh!?". "Errr... that's fucking BRILLIANT, Mum. I'm watching the fucking game NOW!" "Oh... ummm... have they played already? I meant last week..."
The weather on Sunday was about as close to perfect as you get this time of year so I decided to make the most of it and because I've neglected anything even remotely garden related for a few months, that was top of my list. Surprisingly the weed situation wasn't all that bad. Turns out breaking my back shovelling mulch all over the place last November was well worth the effort but shit still manages to grow and there's a council 'green waste' collection coming up which means one thing - indiscriminate decimation of pesky plant life.
After that it was off to get the guided tour of a friend's house which they're currently building and then back home to give the car a wash. Not that it really needed it I should add - I've had my new baby for two and a half months and barely managed 2500kms [~1500mls] which includes an 800km round trip down south. Lame I know.
Why bother I hear you ask? In a nutshell - I want that one perfect picture for my desktop wallpaper. Call me vein but it's a much looked forward to opportunity to get off the computer and out of the house and also combine my two favourite hobbies - cars and photography. This has been an ongoing thing... just about every weekend I give it a good wash, shine the tyres, wax everything but always end up being beaten by bad light or rain or whatever. Sunday wasn't much different either - left our run a bit late and missed the light so ended up with 150 mostly average pictures. All part of the fun though and of course there's always this weekend to try again...
Fridge update. I called the repair people Friday, explained the situation, the fact this was now teetering on week four and that I wasn't impressed. She promised she'd work it out and I was completely shocked when the phone rang an hour later to organise a time. Did it all really have to be that hard and take this long? Obviously it did...
Jump forward to yesterday. The service guy rocked up ahead of schedule [more shock] and spent the next ten minutes dissecting the fridge to replace a possibly faulty part that would miraculously solve the problem. And did it? Fuck no. Apparently its screwed. Not worth fixing. Fingered.
So now the challenge is to convince LG [whose products I really, really, really love and think everybody should buy] to give me a new fridge... or at least an 80-90% discount on one.
The tragedy here is that by the time I contacted them it was literally days out of warranty so I probably have no chance but I love an argument and you never know you're luck so I guess we'll see what happens...
Okay enough boring babble. Please prepare yourselves to be dazzled, thrilled and titillated with update 19 for the year. And is it a good one? Only one way to answer that - on with it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As
featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the
top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay
for porn ever again if they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Coconuts! - Game Time - Baby Vs Cobra - Impossible Story - Ghetto Girls - Nude Stretch - Porn Bloopers - "Crazy"
Booty Shakin' - Boobie Strut - Techno Chick - Bounce It Bitch - Evil StarWars - Religous Retards - Amateur Fuck
Emily Stott - Miss Italia - Aussie SAS - Aguillera Hotness - Celebrity Breasts - Mikella - Orgasm - Bikini Comp
In bed my wife sprawls out all over the mattress. I said, "I'm tired of only having two inches in this bed." She said, "Now you know how I feel."
--
This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says, "but I don't know what type he uses." "Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks. "No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "OK."
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"
ORSM VIDEO
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: "First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing... all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes by and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, then he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Cam girls, celebrity sex tapes, DVD-quality porn, and thousands upon thousand of pics from tasty teens to sexy MILF's and it's ALL for FREE! Ranked in the Top 500 websites on the entire internet - MyFreePaysite.com is exactly that and all you need to join is a working email address. It's that simple! Click here to check it out.
READER MAIL
To all the ladies, chicks, girls and hot bitches out there who fill my inbox with constant offers of no-strings-attached sex, marriage proposals and money because you find me irresistible I ask you to please stop! I already get tonnes of other email and I don't need that stuff clogging up my inbox.
For everyone else who has something to share or contribute - right here is the place to do it! We're always always on the lookout for pics of your tasty girlfriend, revenge pics, messed up videos, jokes or whatever you think is Orsm-worthy! Just click here to make it happen.
Currency Converting Nerd wrote:
Subject: Teasers Receipt
I figured I would send you a note about what I looked up on that Teasers
receipt that was posted on your site. It turns out with the conversion
rate, it was over $1,300 USD and $1,700 AUD! The steak was only about
$12 USD, but the lap dances were almost $40 USD. I was just curious on
the cost of it all, since the number on the bill didn't mean anything to
me unless I converted it. Still, I'd say it was money well spend in
South Africa. Not to mention, I wouldn't mind visiting that club myself. |
freak boy wrote:
Subject: GUNT
Dear ANOTHER (fat american) WANKER.
I apologise for my ignorance of the word GUNT, I assure you I meant no offence. You must appreciate that here in Australia we are some 20years behind the USofA, and as a result the vast majority of Australians are still quite fit and our women still have natural breasts (NB: breasts is an other word for hooters). However Generation 'Y' seems to be embracing your processed foodchains, so perhaps one day we will even be able to see some humour your word FUPA.
PS stop sending us your penis enlargement emails, thanks for your concern, fortunately we can still see ours. |
DtM wrote:
Subject: Benny
police have "found" Ben cousin's drug lab!!!
Was only a matter of time... -Orsm |
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Scott wrote:
Subject: Funny Picture - Just Jesus
Hey mate, I've recently moved down to Wollongong for work. I went for a jog this arvo, and on the way back I came past this church with this sign out the front. It is the funniest thing I've ever seen. I swear its real, its in a suburb of Wollongong called Woonona. Thanks mate. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pensioner passion
hi orsm,love your site,it gives me insperation to keep going.there is not much unusual about these pics,but i thought it might give you some hope for the future.i am over 60 and she is 24.so don't ever give up.old man. |
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Pete wrote:
Subject: Love your site
Hello, I love your site.. It truely is the only one that offers hours of entertainment.. Not long ago, my wife was under the assumption that it was no different than the rest only showing T -n- A (and her point??). But now she views it regularily with me.. Here is an offering of some 'T' that my wife will be shocked to see should you post....... take care and keep up the great work!! |
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Bloodnut wrote:
Subject: WEST COAST CARNAGE / ALBANY
It was a 75 foot gap and the first 75 foot backflip on a quad. Some of the picture quality isnt the best but im no expert either.
Amazing stuff. More Crusty Demons here. -Orsm
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Jamie wrote:
Subject: Crusty Demons Truck Crash...one lousy goat....!
Hi Mr ORSM. I'm on the Crusty tour and thought I'd show you the truck smouldering still 5 days after the accident AND the goat in situ at the side of the road.! We're calling it the $2 million goat as that's what the insurance claim will be including the truck! |
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313 wrote:
Subject: Gross pictures of boogers
Hey Orsm I love you site and look forward to every Thursday for an update! Anyway I work with this real freak who doesn't bathe or shave or comb his hair. So I'm walking by his car the other day and I just happened to notice out of the corner of my eye a mountain on the side of his car seat . . . A BOOGER MOUNTAIN! Fucking disgusting. Pictures are attached, the 3rd one is the clearest. Please keep my info private. Thanks mate! |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: ex gf
Hey Mr Orsm! Big Fan of this site, i check it since years, gives me always a smile :) Found some pics of my ex gf i took with my mobile last year after we fucked =p maybe you put it up next time
Damn Hot! -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: This is one very, very expensive mistake
At about 10 pm. local time on May 8, 2006, a 7th Bomb Wing B-1B Lancer based at Dyess AFB, Texas, made a wheels-up belly landing on runway 31 at Diego Garcia, skidding 7,500 feet down the runway. The aircraft was landing at the end of an 11 hour ferry mission that started at Andersen AFB, Guam... |
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TheHouseOfPain wrote:
Subject: pictures for you
Just trying to promote my website and bar. this is rita my topless dj. you can view her on my bar cams every Wednesday night starting at 9pm central time. my website is thehouseofpain.com. You have a great site. Thanks
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 50 Year Old Poem
Hi. Have a read of this poem writen by a man from the north of England over 50 YEARS ago !!! how true it is now. Many thanks for a good site, keep up the good work. |
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paul wrote:
Subject: sick video
This is why I am anti religious..... sick motherfuckers breeding more sick motherfuckers... It is no wonder Australia doesnt want these Iraqi and Muslim type followers over here. Why the fuck are we trying to teach "religous tolerance"? Fuck tolerance, and all of you middle eastern cumguzzlers.
you have probably read about the 14 year old girl, stoned to death... FUCK RELIGION. |
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him...
ORSM VIDEO
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.
Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without.
Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion and Stumpy kind of slumps down.
The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each."
Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who - in his day - had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased!"
RANDOM SHITE
Is this the best RS ever? No. The best one had the pics of the guy at the place with the thing happening. Remember? I loved that one. Anyway... check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "Oh, that's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow Animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chucky could stick his head out and watch it.
Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "i think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry a bout it," said marge,"Hell, at our age we've seen
'em all" "I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
The bartender brings the sandwich and beer. "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for two weeks. Then one day, the circus comes to town. The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him, "You own the circus? Listen, I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the circus owner, "get him to give me a call."
So, the next day when the duck comes into the pub, the bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I've got it all set. I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck inquires. "That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused, "What in the hell would they want with a plasterer?"
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said,
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple. On question #5 the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'”
ORSM VIDEO
Well here we are again. Hopefully by this point you're all feeling enriched and entertained but if not then there is always next week so until then...
- Check out the site archives. They're so big I lost my virginity in there somewhere. If anyone finds it please let me know.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Ya dig?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET and my friend Ray will make a donation to the Human Fund in your name.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Show me your flange? Give me a well-timed-blowjob? Cut me off at the knees and call me tripod? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here first!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and quit smoking. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.05.03-23.27 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Hello I'm Orsm and I'm here to help.
I hate to be the one who asks [although I'm going to anyway] but -SERIOUSLY- can it really be May already? No fucking way!! Tick-tock blink here we are. I don't quite know where its gone but at this rate it wont be too long before I am complaining how bloody hot it is...
It's a pretty interesting time in Australian politics. Yes we all know for the most part they are liars and cheats but we're in an election year and that means the cretins are beginning to fire up and get their message out to us - the little people.
What I find most annoying about this is the bullshit and it's magnified now as the politicians move into campaign mode. It's shot and counter-shot. One guy says something then his opponent says he's wrong and proclaims "we'll do it better". Someone makes a faux pas, spends the next two days apologising and the other guys use it to campaign on. Okay not exactly anything new... that's how politics works and what it's all about right?
It makes me think of the media who have focussed on things such as the AWB scandal or David Hicks where in reality most people don't care. For politicians the same tactics seem to apply... they crap on about issues people should care about - but don't - and in the end misdirect us from the fact they care more about getting or staying in power than serving the public. And what does all this mean? It means they think we're idiots!
Fridge update. Believe it or not I am STILL waiting for them to come back in what is most likely payback for electrocuting the repair guy with my joke pen. My last call to them was a week ago when the old mole promised someone would be out Friday or Monday latest. I waited patiently both days for a call until late afternoon I finally received an email from them with a quote for $66. Right. "How long until someone can come out?" I reply. "We're just waiting for the go ahead" I am told. "Go ahead from who? LG has authorised repairs and I have called repeatedly for the last two weeks! I'm desperate!" "Late this week". What an absolute fucking joke. Someone needs [and may just get] a punch in the head...
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On to the weekend... skip to Sunday and I woke up bright and early to pouring rain. Usually not a problem except I'd had a conversation with dog on Saturday night in which I promised her a trip to the beach. The weather has been pretty average lately but the cold hasn't really kicked in yet so I figure it's probably wise to make the most of these last few Sundays before going into hibernation.
So we jumped in the car, made the trek and almost miraculously the moment we got there it stopped raining. Still not exactly what you would call pleasant, a long way from the calm crystal waters of summer and not a bikini in sight but dog didn't seem to care and the beach was practically deserted so it actually a lot of fun.
The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxed. The rain continued so with options limited we ended up at my place doing pizza and football. All up not a bad way to spend a rainy Sunday.
I need some help from you guys! This September one of my best mates and I finally hit the big three-zero and there's been some talk amongst the boys about how to mark this momentous occasion. The idea is to combine and have a joint celebration but we've been throwing ideas around for a while but can't seem to come up with something stellar so this is where you guys come in - I need some ideas! I'm open to pretty much anything but don't just want to sit in a bar and get spastic drunk. Let me know!
Okay time to get on with it. Pretty sure I have slapped together a good one this week so here goes...
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I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was alright sort for 57. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double - a mother and daughter threesome? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?"
--
Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time.
Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.
One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair." "I most certainly do not," she replied. "I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.
She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.
A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said. "The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."
ORSM VIDEO
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going"? Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf"?
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf"? Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again, I play the ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt"? asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap"? Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, amazing, says, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm all for that. When would you like to play"? Stevie says, "Pick a night."
A Pommie, a Yank and an Aussie were having a drink in a bar. It got to that time of the evening when the bullshit flows freely - they started bragging about how tough their respective nationalities were...
The Pommie says: "I say chaps you know we had the greatest F1 racing driver in the world till he had a bad accident - broke both arms - both legs - fractured his skull - was in hospital for six months - hanged if the blighter isn't now the world's best golfer!"
The Yank says: "Aw shucks that ain't nothin' - we had this here fighter pilot - top gun - he had more kills against his name than anyone - his plane got hit by a ground to air missile over Afghanystan - blew him clean outta his jet - parachute barely opened - landed real hard - had to cut off both his legs - lost one eye and one arm - was in intensive care for 12 months - goddamn if he don't pilot the space shuttle nowadays"
The Aussie says: "Crickey that's piss weak - we had this bomb disposal expert - used to disarm all the big bombs all round the world - cut the red wire instead of the green wire one day - all they ever found of him was his specs and his arse-hole. Bugger me if he's not our Prime Minister now!"
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READER MAIL
I've been kept plenty busy sorting through the mail this week. A real mixed bag too - everything from porn to hate mail to jokes to legal threats. God I love running this site!
Anyway if you've got something to share or contribute then this is the place to do it so don't be lazy and send me something before I come over and fight you! We're always always on the lookout for pics of your tasty girlfriend, revenge pics, messed up videos, jokes or whatever you think is Orsm-worthy! Just click here to make it happen.
Thommo wrote:
Subject: Landmark forum
Hey dude, Just reading your latest update and I could help but laugh, and then get a bit sad reading about your brief experience with Landmark. Here's a quick story of my outside view of Landmark... [continues] |
Pete wrote:
Subject: Landmark
Just felt compelled to write.
Landmark is little more than a scam, based on scientlogy principles.
They will keep hitting you up for money, because, as you know, we can
always do better.
Keep away, if you can. (Looks like you saw through it, though) |
Another wanker wrote:
Subject: Gunt
Let that wanker know that his idiot friends and he did not makeup the word Gunt. That has been here in the sates forever. It is also known as a Fupa = fat upper pussy area. |
Adrian wrote:
Subject: Renault scenic
Haha, Renault scenic owners suck cock, lol.... mate anything French is way fucked up. I know cos we dropped off our '02 disco to get serviced (I know, pommy shit is weird too), and they lent us a Pugeot (is that how you spell it?) 307. what a fuckn piece of shite. It has 4 (count em) stalks off the steering column. 1 for lights and blinkers, another for wipers….so far ok, then, 1 for cruise control and another for stereo controls. I near wiped out someone trying to change lanes cos I hit the cruise resume instead of the blinker and the sucker took off on me. Would have made interesting reading on an accident report. Love your site man, I'm an addict |
James wrote:
Subject: Ben C Photo in Perth City...
I was walking back from lunch today on Hay St. and saw a big pile of spilt flour with a piece of cardboard sticking out of it. I went for a closer look, and this is what the cardboard said: "CUZZZZZZZZY" This is legit by the way. I took the picture with my phone and it was on Hay Street, just outside City Provisions in the Woodside/Tiger lils direction. BTW: A local Perth boy to another, check out kickme.to/mc (been running for just about as long as your site ;) |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Try to explain this to the missus
When I first saw this I assumed the point was that $93 for a steak is OUTRAGEOUS. Everything else seems like money well spent .......
Have to agree... -Orsm
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F wrote:
Subject: Submission
Love your work Mr ORSM sir. Here's me and a ex of mine. In case you're wondering, I'm the one standing on the outside looking in. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: hoptical hillusion
This is an Ad for female leg shaving devices from one of our larger department stores 'Ta-Che" in the USA they pronounce it "Tar-Jet" but that's the crass yanks for you. Unintentionally they have produced an optical illusion, some people see it as a male with a girls head superimposed, others see it as a 'strange' bodied woman sitting on the toilet, others see it as an obese person and yet others will boldy state that it is a breastless pregnant female ??? Judge for yourself.... |
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Lena wrote:
Subject: pics
My name is Elena! As you requested, i have sent some photos of me to you! I have not got many, as i have just started modelling but hope to have more soon! Please tell me what you think and any suggestions as to what you would like! Kind Regards Elena.
Hot but I think we need to see more! -Orsm
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Jez wrote:
Subject: Crusty Demons truck - on fire
Crusty demons truck which caught on fire this morning.
Apparently the truck hit a wild goat which puntured the fuel tank and caused the fire. They lost five bikes, $100k in merchandise and a whole bunch of equipment. The goat did not survive! -Orsm
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: THIS is a car !
This is some nostalgia that makes sense for a change. Coming to a Chevy dealer near you?? There will be 100 units and every one will have a different paint scheme. It is a 2006 corvette chassis and drivetrain with a 1957 chevy front end and the side resembles a 1958 chevy impala and the rear is a 1959 chevy impala. Pretty wild eh! The company name is n2a which apparently stands for 'no two alike' |
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Murray wrote:
Subject: tuk tuk ride in Bangkok
Hey Orsm, My son and I spent a couple of days in Bangkok in January and I decided to film some of our tuk tuk ride to Lumpinee stadium during rush hour. the film does not show the pollution or carbon monoxide poisoning we experienced nor the underwear stains from the 'hang on for dear life' ride. Your site is part of my life ritual and i thank you for your efforts. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big Bad Draino
One of my mates got out of control and went down the bank but we got him out then the boys put on a show for the crowd. |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: 3phonestuff.com
Hi Mr orsm love the site ive been an avid reader for many years and alsways look forward to the Thursday update. Just thought you might be interested in a site I help out with called 3phonestuff.com our mission is to collect as much homemade mobile phone porn and post it in our fourms you need to register to see the uploads but the site is free . Ive posted a few of your readers videos before and they always prove popular. Come in and have a look ive included one of the clips of a girl called Danielle from Ormskirk Liverpool Uk, shes a right dirty bitch |
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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Melbourne, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from New South Wales, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Queensland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names... It's either: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Queenslander got the job.
ORSM VIDEO
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "5,000 for a male brain, and 200 for a female brain. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocent and explained to the entire group: "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his buddies, so he says to his new wife: "Honey-pie, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochi-coo...?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
"You want a beer love bunny...?" says the wife, as she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, lovey dove... but the bar... you know... has the frozen glasses."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" and takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that she's getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says: "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out a fresh tray of different hors d'oeuvres - chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips - the lot!"
"But honey muffin... at the bar... you know... the swearing... the dirty words and all that...
"You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!"
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die." whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived.
Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Clinton's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Kennedy. "Amen" said Clinton. The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'
The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?" "It me," replies the old man. "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"
He say, "Moishe Plotnik." Then she look at me and say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting."
ORSM VIDEO
Well I do believe that is it for another week. If you're reading this then I've successfully managed to drag you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing so my work here is done...
- Check out the site archives. They're fully hektik uleh.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I know you all know but I just say it because I like typing...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pull out his massive cock and fuck your mum to multiple orgasms... while you watch.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't get angry. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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