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| orsmupdate 2015.03.26-19.38 |
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Welcome to more AND less annoying than a nostril pimple.
Here goes with another jumble of words that bordered on being replaced with a jumble of extra jokes. The funny thing is that there really isn't an excuse. Poor time management is responsible. Haven't slacked off or had my shit particularly monopolised by anyone in such a way that can be blamed for running massively behind. Instead I've been cranking out insano hours trying to work ahead so as to, perhaps selfishly, scam a couple of days off at some point. Wouldn't that be... nice?
Everything else has obviously been boring as fuckery. Summer is pretty much over. Matter of fact this summer was a non-starter for me. Usually the heat arrives around Xmas but that didn't quite happen. There was the odd hot day here and there but no heatwaves, no extremes and no memorable records smashed; just mostly mild weather for a few months. A glorified spring. So now autumn is underway everyone seems to be ramping up the social activity in a last ditch effort to see cunts before hibernation begins. And that was how the weekend panned out - excess social activity.
-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU'VE MISSED THIS MONTH ON ORSM-
Barely managed a moment to sit down all Saturday. Early start to get the shopping done, home to unload then back out the door to go visit friends. Good to see <outer-tier acquaintance> but its almost guaranteed I'll be handed <random piece of technology> and asked to fix it. This occasion was some cheap-ass shitty mobile phone that was exhibiting <random annoying behaviour>. Long story short, people who profess not to need all the bells and whistles and subsequently go for the cheapest option often spite themselves [and by extension me]. Just buy a fucking iPhone and you won't have these problems!
Home again early afternoon for a long overdue Skype session with friends in faraway places before cutting it short to, again, go visiting. This time was a new baby. Oh the shit you come to realise after having your own. What should you take parents just home with a newborn? 1. Reprepared food they can easily scoff in amongst the crying and nappy changes; 2. Make it a whirlwind visit. No one can be fucked entertaining in amongst the crying and nappy changes. Nothing shat me off more than immovable well-wishers. Yes I know you want to see the baby but it'll be here next week and all the weeks after that. 5 minutes when someone isn't visiting would be great. Unfortunately no amount of cajoling and hinting in some cases was able to get them the fuck out. End rant.
Next on the event calendar was a street festival. To meet up with friends. Feel like we go to a lot of these. Might actually be turning into whatever you call festival groupies. Carnies? Hipsters? Festies? Fuck if I know. Either way I'm usually just there for the goods. After a period of taking it all in everyone returned to their cars and drove a few suburbs away to meet others for dinner. No one was really able to explain why we couldn't have just arranged to eat dinner at the street festival amongst the hundreds of people already there eating from the many food stalls located adjacent to the many restaurants but you know what they say about common sense... it isn't very common...
Sunday unfolded like many others. We headed for the city to meet up with a mate for dim sum. Felt like it had been a while between dumplings but when you're a wannabe Asian it always feels like a while. As soon as we returned home it was time to initiate Operation: Clean The Fucking Garage Out. For a garage that's supposed to fit 2 cars it was becoming challenging to fit even one. A few more bags of no longer needed baby clothes marked "0-6 months" and it might have been a possibility. So the operation began.
As much as I'm happy to mock others for storing crap they don't need it turns out I was the main offender or at least somewhat culpable. Digging through boxes that have followed me around seemingly forever, illustrated that I have a thing for keeping boxes. For example - my little Canon camera which I bought about 10 years ago, has been superseded by 4 cameras and I don't even know where it ended up... still got the original packaging. Same applies for my iPhone boxes - 3G, 4, 5 and 6. It gets better though - a box for a Nokia 8800 and even a 7610. No point for this and they were all shown to the trash. Jump forward til the end of the day and the area was finally some form of habitable. Dozens of spiders were destroyed and it all looks kind of organised but still no chance of getting a second car in there. Next up will be Operation: Build A Fucking Loft.
Alright enough waffling. Let's do this. Check it...
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I was having a pretty big shit last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my mother accidentally turned off the light in the toilet. Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright?" With a huge relief, I replied "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out"...
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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh" said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers, taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in really good condition?" "Sticks" said Paddy.
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It's weird how it's socially acceptable to put someone else's genitals in your mouth, but eating a Dorito off the floor after a few seconds is gross. What a fucking double standard.
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One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon". "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection". "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis". "Anal sex?" "Diarrhoea". "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing... and she's got worms".
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Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
SUCKS TO BE A PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
Part 1 of Pizza Delivery stories can be found by here in the Orsm Archives.
-The delivery guy called, so I went down the 3 flights of stairs to answer the door. It's pouring rain and the guy isn't here. I wait a minute and call him back to double check he's at the right place. He insists he's standing on my stoop, so I say "I think you're at the wrong address. I'm on my stoop. Can you see me?" He can't, I say "Tell me what you're looking at. I'm outside and if you're not looking at me, then you're at the wrong address". He describes the block one east of mine, but continues to convince himself he's at the right address. So now I call the restaurant and ask them to send the driver to the correct address. Eventually he shows up at my address with a soaking wet pizza. This is 20 minutes after the initial "I'm here" call, and the box was so wet you could ring it out like a soaked kitchen towel. I call the restaurant again, they're apologetic and say they'll send a new pie right over. The same delivery guy came back to my address with a fresh pie really quickly, but demanded I go back upstairs to get the wet pie out of the trash before I get the fresh one. So I go up, get the wet one, back down, trade for the new pie and finally get to eat the dinner ordered 2 hours earlier. Note: I live on the same street as the restaurant. 6 blocks, straight shot.
-I recently got a pizza delivered and the delivery guy was hopping around kind of strangely until he begged to use my bathroom. I let him in, and he not only left the seat up but he also didn't wash his hands... who is handling my precious pizza?!
-My husband and I ordered a pizza from a local place, waited the usual 30-45 minutes... nothing. After an hour, we called the restaurant, and they said that it had already been out for delivery. Well obviously we hadn't gotten it yet, so they sent our order out again, and the delivery person called our phone box, and we came to pick up our food and pay for it. When we got to the door, the guy was livid, saying that he'd been at our building before and called us and we refused delivery. "This is our dinner, why would we refuse it?" "NO, I talked to a woman on the intercom and she sounded just like you and she said, NO!" "Okay but we ordered the food, we wanted the food, we're here for the food..." "But the lady, who sounds a lot like you, by the way, said she didn't order anything". He continued to argue with us, saying it was our fault for denying the order when all along he'd clearly tried to deliver it to the wrong place.
-I got an order to the nearby barracks, which is one of the training commands with students. The order was paid by credit card and I didn't notice until I started to walk away that the guy had only signed the bottom and didn't fill in the tip or total lines, so I went back and knocked and when he opened the door again, I handed him back the receipt and explained to him that although I am not that dishonest, there are some people who would write in whatever they wanted to tip themselves so, in the future, he needs to fill those receipts out completely. So he filled it out and gave it back and said thanks and I walked away again, heading back to the car, then looked down at the receipt to see he had written $30 on the tip line. Wanting to make sure it wasn't a mistake, I went back and knocked again and asked if he meant to write that and he goes "Yeah I did! Maybe if more people were rewarded for honesty, there would be more of it in the world".
-I was working for Domino's a couple of years ago. I had a delivery to a hotel in our area. When I got there I saw two guys standing outside the room. Turns out they were plain clothes police officers doing a drug bust. They had me stand outside the door while they stood off to either side of the door. One of them knocked. When they answered the door, one of the cops flashed his badge. Guy had a large bag of weed on the nightstand. Cop made them pay me first before he busted them. No tip of course. Wonder if they ever got to eat the pizza.
-I was delivering one night when a call came in from someone ordering a few pizzas. On the ticket was the address and a note saying to follow the sign on the door when I got there. So I take off on the delivery. As I got near the neighbourhood I glanced at the address and it said 6862 E Mundy Blvd. I found the place and headed up to the front door. There was a sign on the door saying "Come in, we're downstairs". So I opened the door and headed downstairs to their basement where I found a few teenage girls having a party. I'm like "Hey did you guys get a pizza?" and they looked at me like I was crazy. "Uh... no". That's when I looked at the ticket again and saw that it said 6862 E Ellsworth Blvd!! "Oh my god!!" I had just wandered into these people's basement! Needless to say they laughed at me and I was one very embarrassed pizza man.
-The night was almost over and I had one last delivery. I pulled up to the house, which was dark, but a lot of people didn't turn their lights on. I got out of the car, went to the door and knocked. No answer. Knocked again. No answer. I turned around toward my car when three masked men ran up to me and told me to get in my car. I got in my car. They asked for my money and the pizza. I gave them $15 out of my pocket and the pizza. They didn't want my purse. It was ON TOP of the pizza box with my newly cashed paycheque. Then, they wanted my keys, which they just threw across the street. All this time, there was a gun at my head.
-I worked at small independent pizza store which had built up quite a name for itself and has been able to compete with all the big names in my area. One day, a man who worked for a trucking company about 20 miles away decided to phone and order some pizza. Without even hesitating, my manager told the man that it was impossible to make such a faraway delivery but the man insisted we had the best pizza and was willing to pay the driver an extra $20 to deliver it. So, I took the man up on his offer, hopped on the freeway, and delivered his pizza. Everything went well. The man was grateful and I came back to my store satisfied with the delivery until I realised... I forgot my pizza bag!
DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP? |
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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead!!?" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and BOOM! he hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof... went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".
"What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".
"What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".
"Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, walloped by 10,000 volts shooting through him". "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that…" "
Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house!"
ORSM VIDEO
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead so he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you". The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right". And while the son tried his best, seven times, it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row". The young son replied "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health". Then the young son asked "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
AS SUMMER COMES TO AN END BETTER MAKE SURE YOUR TAN IS IN CHECK... |
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ORSM VIDEO
SUCKS TO BE A PIZZA DELIVERY GUY (CONTINUED)
-I've done pizza delivery on and off for years, I was one of the few female drivers. Not long before my daughter was born in 2007 I worked in an un-air-conditioned car in 100-degree heat. One couple irritated me to no end because I had to climb to the third floor carrying two hot pizza bags and make the trip again with three 2-litres of Pepsi while being 7 or 8 months pregnant. Do you think I got a tip or even a thank you? Nope!
-I work at a Domino's store in a small town. I headed out for the delivery and it was a credit card order, so our policy is we need to see the driver's license and the card to verify. This seems like an easy task, does it not? Well, upon arriving at the house (a trailer) I knocked on the door and a man answered. I could see he had a few dollars in his hand, maybe 3 or 4, so I was thinking this is an okay tip. Then I asked to see his credit card and driver's license and he went off cussing at me that it was a stupid policy. After I verified I handed him the receipt to sign and gave him his food and copy. He said "Oh, and thank your boss because of their bullshit policy you don't get a tip". At first I thought it was a joke but he was serious. What an asshole.
-One time I took a delivery to a huge trophy ceremony for a kids baseball team. They had ordered 40 one-topping pizzas (sold it to them for $7.99 instead of the regular $11 price) which I took to them. When she hands me the cash, just under $320, she gives EXACT change. Then she tells me that she is sorry because she doesn't have enough money to tip me. We gave her discounts of over $100 on 40 pizzas, yet somehow has no money to tip me!?
-I was delivering pizza to an average looking address in a safe area, so I thought nothing of it. I took the food up to the address, knocked a few times and no response. I thought maybe it was a wrong address. Time grew longer and I realised the door was actually slightly open. In this instance I took it upon myself to think it'd be appropriate, as I had been waiting a few minutes, to just peep my head through the door and call for someone. As I peeped my head through the door I noticed, just to my horror, a naked old man of 60 or 70 just standing in his living room. The living room was completely empty. He looked at me with an empty expression. Naturally I got the hell out of there. As I speedily walked past the house to retreat to my car, I got a glance through a side window. I couldn't help but notice he hadn't moved and was looking in the exact same direction as when he stared at me in the doorway.
-One time I had a delivery for an apartment complex that was only a few minutes away from the store. It was an order for $20. When I got there, I knocked on the door, and when it opened, there stood an older man, who happened to be naked, and with an erection! I could see the television behind him and I could see that he was watching porn. I gave him his order, and he gave me a $10 tip! Since he gave me a large tip, I really can't complain. But in all honesty, it was pretty weird, and why he wouldn't at least get dressed before opening the door is beyond me.
-We had a delivery to an off-campus housing development for 200 large pepperoni pizzas. I said them we would give them the current promotion which brought the total to $2,039.31. That's a $630 discount. The driver had to make three trips from the store, and 12 trips from car to address. Their doors locked each time so he had to be buzzed in and none of the 15 or so staff helped him one bit. When the time came to sign the bill he pointed out the price, and also the major discount they received. They totalled the cheque at $2,040 dollars. That's right, a 69-cent tip on a $2k order. That's a tip of 0.034%. In 15 years this is the worst I've encountered.
-I delivered an 18in pizza at 12am. When I arrived at the residence, I proceeded to knock on the door. Out comes an early thirty-something housewife who is WASTED! She invites me in and tells me in slurred English that her husband and friends are still at the bar. I say that's cool the cost of the pizza is $23.50. She asked if we take cheques. I said no problem as long as it is local. I look down at her kitchen table and see three half-written checks that she tried to write before I came but couldn't because she was so fucked up! I watch her try to write one right in front of me. There was no way she was going to be able to accomplish this. I told her just to sign a check and I will write it out. She agrees. I write the check out for $33.50. I gave myself a ten dollar tip for her drunken pain in the ass behaviour.
ORSM VIDEO
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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God" she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain".
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point" replied God "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away".
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic" she replied "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone". God thought for a moment and said "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see... where did I put that useless tit?"
BECAUSE WE STRONGLY SUPPORT NUDITY IN ALL FORMS OF TRANSPORT |
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THE SIX AFFAIRS
-A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He then put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you" he replied "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon". She looked down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!
-A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied "No, not this time!"
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Bob" the mortician commented "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity". So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe" he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed "Bob is dead!"
-A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry" she said "stand in the corner". She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you" she said. "Pretend you're a statue". "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue" she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too". No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer. "Here" he said to the statue, have this... I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing!"
-A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent". "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel" the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied "Upstairs... with my wife". The man asked "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here".
-Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly "I have something I must confess". "There's no need to "his wife replied. "No" he insisted "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know" she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work".
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Husband went to the Sheriff's Department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
STUPID WAYS STUPID RESTAURANTS SERVE FOOD |
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A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly. He was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong. With a look of shock on his face the young man says "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well well well...
-Check out the site archives. It's where all the action happens in practically debilitating doses.
-Next update will be next Thursday. AKA Good Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fuckin' cut ya, cunt!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ask me again later. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2015.03.19-22.20 |
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Welcome to what do you want me to do about it...?
I'm having one of those days where the slightest thing is a distraction. Everything from opening a browser window to needing to pee is an opportunity to distract from what I'm supposed to be doing. This is the exact reason the updates don't get finished at a reasonable hour and there really shouldn't have been any excuse for it because it's been on my lonesome all week. Guess this proves that working under pressure is a good thing. Should maybe try sitting on my ass until Thursday and seeing what happens. Have my suspicions the results would be mind-blowing...
Okay let's slip straight into what's been happening... which is nothing overly exciting. Just general life stuff but if you're interested in what some fuckwit you probably don't know has to say about stuff you probably don't care about then the next few paragraphs will probably make a riveting read...
-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST WEEK ON ORSM-
A friend came pleading and begging for some help getting her house in order for sale. I guess word about my skillz has gotten out. There was a relatively small list of things the agent suggested tending to and based on that I agreed thinking it wouldn't take forever. Remember the last time you said that about something? Yep me too because it was, you know, every single time ever and has literally never happened once. And that's despite my skillz. So got an early start Friday, loaded every tool that could possibly be needed including garden tools and headed over. Quickly got started and was making good progress til the bit about painting a particular wall came up. "Well if we're going to paint that we may as well paint the kitchen too...?" Alrighty then... and that's when the first hardware store visit happened; to get paint and some tools we needed but didn't have.
Ten hours later every damn wall in the damn house had a fresh coat. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen and living area, my hands, my clothes. Seriously why the fuck and what the fuck? Painting is a mugs game. And those renovation shows are a lie. Sore back, sore legs, cramping hand, cutting in and drips is the exact reason people hire painters. We finished building a few months ago and I was smart enough then to distance myself from anything involving a brush. Matter of fact when it came time to choose colours I handballed it to someone else. What happened that I knew better then but not now?
Unfortunately we didn't quite get finished so it was back first thing Saturday to resume. After a couple of second coats and touch-ups, activities moved outside to what was/is essentially a spider breeding sanctuary; nothing a buttload of bug spray and high pressure water couldn't fix though. Next was some gardening and rubbish removal and more than half the day gone. The end result was the place looked markedly better and according to the selling agent "might make all the difference, or it might not, you just never really know". Well that clears things up. Thank you Capt. Redundant Statements.
Legged it home ASAP from there to get my shit together for the hour drive south to join GF and child. Was very grateful to have been chucked the keys to a friend's holiday shack for a short and sweet break from reality. We jagged the perfect weekend to be down there too. The annual Crabfest was on which is basically a celebration of the brutal murder and subsequent consumption of delicious local crabs. Thousands of people come from far and wide to enjoy crustacean's cooked a variety of ways whilst paying shockingly exorbitant prices for the privilege. Pretty much everything looked absolutely amazing however and it was hard deciding which to fill the belly with. As these things go, you walk up and down over and over perusing the offerings, mouth watering, before just settling on whichever has the shortest queue.
Rest of the day we hung out with extended fam and just generally chilled whilst watching the F1. Close to a perfect Sunday come to think of it. Decided to stay the night and make my way home Monday. The girls on the other hand have remained there since and at this rate may never return.
Okay fuckers why don't we move on with the rest of the brand new update. Yes I know most of you guys wish the entire page was full of my quirky insights, well thought out opinions and witty social commentaries but there would always be that 1-2% of people who need the porn and everything else. I do it for them. Check it...
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Vaj BLOWNWhat This Woman Does To Her Crotch Could Literally Shock You - Hat-lariousNot So Much A Prank As Just Literally Taking Hats From People. Holy Crap This Is Funny! - Tragic WasteSupercar Sadness: 26 Abandoned And Forgotten High-Performance Cars Left In Dubai - PerspectiveIt's All A Matter Of Perspective—62 Photographs That Were Taken At Just The Right Angle - Overreacted?Boyfriend Catches His Girl With Someone Else So He Busts Up The Guys Car - Ya BitchThe Bitchingest Video You'll See Today - Perfect GirlGet A Yoga Lesson From Zlata, The 'World's Most Flexible Woman' - FM BananasNope, Nope, Nope! Dad Buys Bananas Infested With Eggs From Deadly Venomous Spider - Gangster DuelA Simple, Yet Challenging Shoot'em Up Game Where You Have To Blast Your Gangster Opponent Off The Platform. That's Basically It And It Rawks!
CataponThis Is A New Twist On The Ever Popular Angry Birds Style Of Game. Check It. You Will Love! - What A BodHere Are Some Pics Of Kelly Going To Mexico And Those Shots Of Her In The Rooftop Pool Are Mind Blowingly Awesome - Leaked NudesSome Azealia Banks Playboy Pics Got Leaked And Surprise Surprise - Her Naked Body Is Fucking Amazing! - Cute TitsSophie Young Is A Hot, Naked Hipster - BreakdownA Former Lesbian Getting Fucked In Beast Mode By A Pornstar Cock That Her Brain Can't Handle. She Cums SO HARD She Actually Cries Tears Of Joy. - GTA & SexAmazing Gamer Girl Gets Fucked While Playing Grand Theft Auto - Battle POV50 cal. Gunner Comes Very Close To Being Taken Out By An Incoming Round - So Much WTFThere Is So Much WTF Going On In This Porn. Matter Of Fact It May Not Be Porn At All. I Don't Know What It Is. Take A Look And You'll See What I Mean... - ExplosiveHis Asshole Just Exploded Like No Other Asshole In The History Of Assholes - Too SlowWoman Jumps Death Before Rescuers Can Setup The Air Bag. *THUD*
Shape ShiftSet Things Right For These Creatures - StrippedGirls Ripping Each Other's Clothes Off... Who Wouldn't To See That? - DIY FakiesThis Is Absolutely Guaranteed A Very Bad Thing To Do To Your Body - All PussyMan Tries To Prove GF Isn't Transsexual... Ends Up Proving That She Is - Beach NipsOne Very Naked Chrissy Frolicking In The Surf All With Her Excellent Titties Wet And On Show - MeltdownsUndoubtedly Some Of The Most Fucked Up Moments In Porn! - UnfriendlyDrunk Woman Attacked 80 Year Old Sikh Man In Coventry UK - Frosty FuckFrosty The Fuck Man Gets His Carrot Snapped In The Snow - VoluptuousWhy Would A Girl Like This Need A Vibrator When She Could Have Any Guy She Wanted? - Nude For GodI Dont Care What Kind Of Art This Is... As Long As She's Naked No One Cares
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
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Two old ladies are at the movies "Psst!" says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is having a wank". "What makes you think that?" "He's using my hand".
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We had a power cut at home this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new home theatre setup all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like quite a nice person.
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Someone was at a party when he started boasting to the local journalists that his command of English language was better than that of the average journalist's. An editorial writer didn't take too kindly to that and said "Well, I'll bet you $100 that I can stump you". "I accept your wager" he said. "I'll bet you can't use the word 'because' three times consecutively in a sentence. That is my challenge!" After thinking for a moment, he replied "You cannot end a sentence with the word because because because is a conjunction. You lose".
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Wonder if I'll get nailed for trademark infringement when I open up my new Korean fast food joint 'Unlucky Fried Kitten'?
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According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
FAST FOOD HORROR STORIES
-I saw this one fast food employee puke in her hands, drop it into the trash can, and then proceed to put our tacos in the bag.
-A Swiss branch of McDonald's was left red-faced when a 7-year-old girl allegedly got a condom with her fries. Certainly not the usual freebie you'd expect with a Happy Meal.
-One time a lady came through and demanded I give her a shake that she didn't get with her meal when she came through 11 months ago.
-Burger King in New Zealand served an Auckland woman a burger wrapped in blood stained packaging. In 2010, a woman was shocked to find blood from the wrapper had soaked into the bottom of the bun. After checking the blood had not come from their own hands they concluded it had come from an employee. The employee at the west Auckland restaurant had cut his hand while preparing the food and didn't notice he was bleeding.
-In 2009, some employees of Dominos filmed themselves farting on sandwiches and putting cheese up their noses. The employees said it was a prank and the food was not delivered. Still, that is disgusting.
-I used to work at Wendy's. The meat used in the chili... that comes from the meat on the grill top that expires and dries up that's put in to a warming drawer until you have enough for a batch of chili, which we first freeze and then thaw the next day. Also if the chili sitting in the warmer doesn't sell fast enough we just added hot water to it to mix it up.
-My mother and brother were about to order when some kid sitting down bit into his chicken tender. It was really stringy, unlike chicken, and incredibly gray, unlike chicken, and had a tail, unlike chicken. He had just taken a bite of a deep-fried, cooked rat. We don't eat there anymore.
-Olivia Chaines had swallowed a piece of a Hebrew National brand hotdog in the shopping aisle of a Costco before she realised that it contained a piece of metal. X-rays revealed that the hot dog had contained a live bullet.
-In West Virginia, a Pizza Hut district manager was too lazy to hoof it to the men's restroom, so he decided to relieve himself by taking a relaxing whizz in a Pizza Hut kitchen sink. Thankfully, a surveillance camera caught the whole act. He lost his job, and the location where the incident occurred was shut down permanently.
-A grocery store worker pleaded guilty to handing out a semen-tainted yogurt sample at an Albuquerque market.
-Avoid the tuna fish at subway. I worked there in high school and my boss showed me how to mix the freeze dried tuna and mayonnaise together with her bare hands on my first day.
-A 14 year old boy from Michigan bit into a roast beef sandwich from Arby's which had part of a finger in it. Apparently, an employee had sliced part of their finger off in the meat slicer.
-Worked at KFC for 4 years. The BBQ sandwich is actually made from chicken too old and stale to give to the homeless shelters, so they soak it in BBQ sauce until it can be pulled and then they keep it on the heater for a month.
-I used to work in a fast food pizza place 10 years ago. One time a guy wiped his penis on another guy's pizza for reasons unknown to me.
-In 2007 a mother sued McDonald's for $100,000 after a deep-fried chicken's head was found in a box of nuggets. They had initially offered her the meal on-the-house and two weeks of free meals, but she continued with legal action.
-In June of 2001, 22-year-old Angelina Cruz bit into a burger from Burger King-and got pricked in the tongue by a syringe. Citing HIV fears, she sued the chain for 9 million.
-In 2009, a Northland teenager claimed his Big Mac from McDonald's was infested with maggots.
Isaac Tansley alleged he discovered the bugs worming around on the meat patty when he lifted the bun to remove the gherkins, after visiting a Whangarei restaurant. He complained to McDonald's, who claimed it was unlikely the burger had contained maggots when it left the restaurant as the patties were frozen and made to order.
-At a McDonald's restaurant, a customer opened up their cheeseburger and saw a fly which was still alive.
-I worked at a cinema. Don't get popcorn for the first showing - that's all just last night's popcorn put into giant garbage bags and then reheated in the warmers in the morning.
-I used to work at a fast food place during college, and one day the plumbing in the men's room backed up so badly that it overflowed through the drains and into the back of the restaurant, where all the food prep happens. Management decided that that wasn't a good enough reason to stop serving people, though. So, yeah, I was standing in poo while I made your Bacon Turkey Bravo that day. Bon appétit.
-At the height of the Beijing Olympics, reporters pounced on the Chinese food industry after athletes found paperclips in muffins served them at an official function.
-A photo of a Burger King employee standing on two trays of lettuce was apparently a team effort. It went viral big time however the image was eventually tracked to a Burger King in Ohio. The three employees involved were all fired.
-In January 2012, fifty-year-old bus driver Lajzer Grynsztajn claims he nearly choked to death on a piece of wire after ordering two chicken breasts and fries from JFK Fried Chicken in Sunset Park, Brooklyn.
-In 2005 police were called when a woman claimed to find the finger of an actual person in her bowl of Wendy's chill, BUT it later turned out that her husband had put it there in an attempt to con the restaurant out of money. Where did he get it from? Some guy in Nevada, who ended up losing a finger for no reason other than a failed con.
-Gas station Slurpee's. The amount of mould in those machines would crush your childhood to a pulp.
-An NYPD officer ordered a Big Mac from McDonalds. Little did he know, the employee had put shards of glass in the burger. The officer cut his mouth and broke some teeth. The employee was charged with felony assault and McDonalds was sued for 5.5 million dollars.
-Order what you want at Five Guys. The bacon sits out but its not like they're trying to hide it. Everyone can see the bacon sitting there. Just know that at least 2 of the managers steal the pickle jars for meth making.
-My cousin bit into a cheeseburger containing a bloody band aid.
-In an Ohio Arby's in June 2007, a man found a piece of human skin sitting on the lettuce in his chicken sandwich. The man sued, refusing a settlement that Arby's initially offered him.
-In 2012, McDonald's employee was arrested by South Carolina cops for spitting in the tea of two of his customers. The customers originally complained about the tea because it wasn't sweet enough. After getting sweetener for the teas, it was then that they noticed phlegm floating at the top of their drinks. The atrocious act thankfully was caught on camera.
-A Chinese woman found a fly in her yogurt in July 2011. When she asked for compensation, the manufacturer asked her to prove that the fly had died before she opened the container - by getting the insect autopsied.
-My friend who worked at McDonalds told me a story of a disgruntled employee who rubbed one out into the soft serve machine.
-A New York police officer was badly injured after chomping on a burger filled with shards of glass. The officer suffered cuts to his throat and mouth after eating a Big Mac. An 18-year-old employee initially confessed to putting the glass in the burger as a joke and claimed he didn't know it was going to be sold to a policeman. The officer sued McDonald's for US$5.5 million and the employee was charged with assault.
-I used to work in a baseball park concession stand. The short answer is not to order anything, but if you absolutely have to buy something, don't buy the hotdogs. Do not. Buy. The Hot Dogs.
-I worked the overnight shift at a fast food place that was across the street from a bar. The weekends were hectic, since the restaurant was the only 24-hour place in town. We had what we called a "serial shitter;" he'd come in every Friday during the bar Rush, and he'd leave his pants (which he shat in) in the handicap stall in the men's room. Every. Single. Friday. Since we were majorly understaffed we were never able to catch the guy.
-An Auckland man and his father got more than they bargained for last year when the father discovered a piece of cardboard in his McDonald's Pie. The man took the pie up to the counter where he said it was snatched from his hands. Staff blamed suppliers and refused to give the man a replacement pie.
-In July 2009, a German tourist claimed to find a used tampon in his steak at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York.
-Just last year, McDonald's had to apologise after a human tooth was found in a portion of fries bought at a Japanese store. "We were not able to discover how it got in the food" an exec said after an independent probe.
-In 2003, a mouse sneaked into the deep fryer with the chicken at Popeye's. It went unnoticed, was deep fried, and served to a customer. Gross.
-They made it out of the package okay, and might even have been edible after we finished grilling them and then they went into the water. We kept three pans of water at the back of the grill that held the hot dogs. Any hot dogs left at the end of the day went back into the fridge, and came out again the next day. Me and the other cook put our feet down on throwing out the water and old hotdogs after two full days, but the management didn't want to let us.
-I remember one morning when I was 10. I went down the slide at a McDonald's PlayPlace. From the top I could see something at the bottom of the slide, but I assumed it was just discoloration. I went down, and before I knew it I smelled something VERY unpleasant. I had slid into a pile of puke.
-In 2006, a 52-year-old man from Illinois sued Kraft Foods for $55,000 to compensate for the physical and emotional distress he suffered after allegedly biting into a "non-human animal tooth" in a container of Planter's Peanuts.
I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE VAGINA BEACH IS RIGHT NOW!! |
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A young couple is out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead!"
ORSM VIDEO: THE IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE VAGINAS WE'D SHOOT 'EM EDITION
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better than 10 Taliban fighters!" The Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers.
After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again: "One American solider is better than 100 Taliban fighters!"
So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers; this time sure of victory.
After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better than 1000 Taliban fighters!"
So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over.
The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "Don't send any more men it's a trap. There is really two of them!"
GIRLS GOLFING IN THE BUFF IS JUST WHAT GOLF NEEDED |
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ORSM VIDEO: THE YOU'LL FEEL STUPIDER AFTER WATCHING THESE EDITION
FAST FOOD HORROR STORIES (continued)
-Two Subway employees in Ohio were fired after they posted vulgar pics on Instagram. One shot was of an employee inserting his dong into the bread. The second pic was of a bottle, accompanied by the caption 'Today at work I froze my pee.'
-A couple found a disembowelled mouse in their Dole packaged salad mix in June 2011. They'd already started eating the salad by the time they found the meal-breaker, they promptly vomited.
-A man ordered a hash brown from McDonald's and felt something at the bottom of the bag. Upon closer inspection, he discovered what appeared to be a battered and fried cockroach or moth.
The man said he took the toasted bug to the manager who gave him a free meal for his next visit.
-A teenage girl discovered part of a hypodermic needle while eating her hamburger from McDonalds. The needle tip was said to have broken off when the cow was being vaccinated.
-I used to work at McDonalds. If you order, especially chicken nuggets, just ask for them fresh. Otherwise they've been just sitting in their container in the heat. They have a timer, but 9/10 times when that timer goes off, people just reset the timer instead of making new ones. This could go on until all the nuggets are sold.
-One time I was waiting on line to order when I noticed one of the employees leaning over the French fry bin. They very clearly were getting sick DIRECTLY in the fries! Another employee ushered that employee away quickly before anyone could see, and as far as I know I was the only one who did, but people kept ordering and they were told there would be a "wait" for fries. I walked right out and called the health board immediately.
-A dieting woman found a live caterpillar crawling on a Weight Watchers-brand slice of packaged cake. She called it was gross enough to put her off of cake forever.
-Popeye's Chicken in Baltimore City had a lot to answer for when a mouse that had been running around the kitchen reportedly fell into the fryer and suffered a crispy death. The rodent ended up being boxed into a poor customer's meal.
-A New York woman sued a sushi bar after she tasted semen in the sauce atop her spicy tuna she says she still has samples frozen in her refrigerator.
-A Jack in the Box worker in Phoenix was arrested when it was discovered he'd blown his nose into the hamburgers of a couple of hungry cops. The employee had only been working there a week.
-A college student ordered a campus pizza and discovered spider eggs cooked in the bottom of the pizza.
-I worked at Einstein's bagel place, which is basically fast food. Don't order anything with eggs, they aren't real eggs and if business is slow they could have been sitting in a container for hours after they are microwaved.
-One time I walked into the restroom of a fast food place, and I found period blood smeared ALL over the wall. There was toilet paper available, so I'm not sure if the blood was an artwork or just a sacrifice to Satan..? I walked right out and waited for someone else to discover the masterpiece.
-A Burger King employee was busted when it turned out he'd been putting hydrocodone -a powerful painkiller- into customers' burgers. Prosecutors couldn't work out why exactly he was doing it.
-A New York woman sued a sushi bar after she tasted semen in the sauce atop her spicy tuna. On a side note, she knows what semen tastes like.
-Van Miguel Hartless bit into a Whopper with an unwrapped condom in it. He sued Burger King and the case was settled out of court in 2010.
-McDonald's. The egg white delight is just as unhealthy, if not more so, than the regular round eggs. The amount of butter (at least in my store) sprayed on the grill must up the calorie and fat count like crazy. I've heard a cook say "Shouldn't have come to McDonald's if you're trying to lose weight!" while soaking the inside of the egg white ring with layer upon layer of butter. Also, I'd recommend a regular round egg any day. The liquid eggs for the scrambled and egg whites are a chemical shit storm. At least the round egg is the real deal.
-At a McDonald's I saw a guy propose to his girlfriend while a big group of his friends cheered him on. She said yes.
-At a Subway in D.C., a woman was eating a sandwich when she felt something hard in her mouth. She spit it out only to discover it was a fingernail clipping.
-I worked at taco bell a little bit ago and I warn everyone to stay away from both the beans, and the steak. The beans start out looking like cat food, and the directions are "Add water and stir until you can't see white anymore". The steak was just the worst on dish duty. If it would sit too long it would become like hair gel. It was the worst.
-My family was taking a road trip and we stopped at a fast food restaurant to use the bathroom and get something to eat. I went to the ladies room, and there was a line. An employee came barging in and ran into the last stall and let out the biggest poop and moan I've ever heard. She kept moaning and pooping for several minutes, and then she came out of the stall with her hands soaking wet. Instead of washing off whatever the hell was on her hands, she just walked right out. We decided to eat at a gas station, instead, after that.
-An employee of a Fort Wayne, Indiana Taco Bell, not only took a picture of himself peeing on a plate of nachos but hashtagged the tweet using #pissolympics #nacobellgrande and #guesswhereIwork.
-Andrew Brodsky, 35, found an unidentified animal toe in his container of Sabra Spinach Artichoke dip.
-My husband went to Wendy's to get me lunch and brought back a hamburger and small fry. I was eating the fries when half way through the fries I saw something, shook the box, and a dead bee in two pieces was in my fries.
-Used to be a Pizza Hut server. Stay away from the salads, lettuce to be specific. Food colouring.
-I worked at a fast food place about 14 years ago, and, no lie, the cook got mad at a customer so he took out the burger bun and rubbed his balls on it for the customer to eat.
-A McDonalds customer saw a worker drop the patty on the ground, pick it up, then hand it out the drive through window to a customer.
-Dairy Queen here. Everything is safe, and handled with care. Bad stuff is thrown away within the hour. But if we drop ice cream or fuck something up, it gets thrown in the freezer and used in a cake or something.
-I was present the evening a staff member ejaculated into a dish of pasta for a customer who was always horrible to the staff. Everyone stood by the doors, watching the customer eat every bite of the dish. I've ALWAYS been nice to food staff workers ever since.
-A waiter at a restaurant would wipe his "nose grease" off then put it into the sodas to fill them faster. He claimed the fizz would die down letting him fill up the glass faster.
-Used to work at Arby's. Once I saw what the 'roast beef' looked like before we cooked it, I never ate it again. It is a gelatinous mass with chunks of meat in it. Literally a paste with chunks of meat. The chicken is kosher though.
-A friend was sitting at a table and eating his food. He noticed a weird sauce on his potatoes, so he dipped his finger for a quick taste and brought it up to the register to ask about it. It wasn't sauce; the person who prepared the tray had cut themselves and didn't notice.
-KFC potato and gravy. At my store the gravy was made from the drippings from the cookers. Not so bad I guess, kind of like traditional gravy, except those cookers were hardly ever cleaned and the drippings would sometimes be over a month old. You'd always wind up with rank pieces of chicken in the oily, grainy mixture and it was just gross.
-A little boy scooped out unwrapped candy from a bin, and put it in his underwear. His mother saw and made him put it BACK in the bin. I'm never eating unwrapped candy again.
-I work at subway, the turkey is 60% turkey, the rest being chicken and turkey flavouring. Also the seafood sensation has no crab in it, it's just colouring to make it orange and flavouring to make it taste like crab. It's actually fish.
-When I was a waiter at a restaurant, the chefs would pre-make all the soups, so they would be in large pots on heaters for the servers to just ladle into a bowl if ordered. Throughout the night whenever some of the employees would walk past the soup, they would hock loogies into the soup and stir it in.
-Currently employed at Dunkin doughnuts and it's sad but true all the doughnuts and baked goods there come to us frozen.
-I was going to order the McRib for my first time, so I asked the cashier how big the meat portion was. He turned around and then back to me, where he put his dick on the counter and said "about this big". He then yelled "fuck it, I quit". He was arrested later that day for indecent exposure, and I got a free meal out of it. Let's just say the McRib had a good inch or two on him.
-I worked at Sonic. We had an icemaker in a separate room and would then put ice in a bucket and dump that in a container attached to the soda machine. When our store closed down, we had to empty the ice machine fully so it could be wheeled outside to be shipped off. All the ice looked fine until the last inch where everything was a deep brown.
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ORSM VIDEO: THE HOLY SHIT I LOVE CARS 'N STUFF EDITION
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed".
The black Lab said "So what's the vet going to do ? " "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down".
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch".
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked "Why are you here? "I'm a humper" said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
36 OPTICAL ILLUSIONS THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK TWICE |
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is".
"And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation". "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say".
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell".
"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her".
"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed".
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you".
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself".
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers "What'd you get?" "Four months' vacation and five good leads!"
RANDOM SHITE
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him "How about that?! Here's a picture of my daddy".
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So, he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed "So, that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with!"
THOSE HIPS... DAAAAAAMN!! |
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One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times.
Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way.
The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day.
The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonnaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed "AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said "Very good we will work on the B's tomorrow!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand done. For my encore please read on...
-Check out the site archives. They keep getting better. Srsly. Better.
-Next update will be next Thursday. WHERE WILL YOU BE?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill your mum and then do pretty much exactly what this guy did.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems aaaand that's all. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2015.03.12-20.22 |
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Welcome to sorry... was my having a conversation with you distracting you from playing a game on your phone...?
The most efficient idiots I have ever come across are undoubtedly my local government. They are greedy, bloated and exist simply to antagonise. I've been on the receiving end of their ineptitude a few times over the past couple of years but this week's effort is a shining example. Monday afternoon... called to update my mailing address as all post from them was going to our previous address. Only took a couple of minutes, hung up the phone and went on with my life. Tuesday morning there's a knock at the door. It's the postman and he's carrying a registered letter [requires signature] from the council. Inside was a $6 interest penalty for late payment of a bill from months ago. I'd realised the oversight and paid the bill about a month late... all without any reminders from them. What's so awesome about this though isn't that they could send me a bill in less than 24 hours or having an updated address but to reclaim that unjustified $6 charge that cost them literally nothing, they spent $4.50 to send a registered letter. What a bunch of fucking fuckwits.
-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST MONTH ON ORSM-
Mentioned my ongoing plantar fasciitis probs a few weeks ago and received a barrage of responses. The plantar fascia, if you didn't know, is/are the ligaments connecting heel to toes. Very common injury for athletes, fat people and hurts like a motherfucker. The really annoying part is it doesn't resolve quickly so you end up limping around unable to do anything significant such as exercise. After various treatment options the endgame is usually a cortisone injection directly into the heel which takes away the pain but doesn't actually repair anything. And that's where I got to. Was reluctant to get the cortisone after a bad experience years ago but couldn't bear going on any longer. After probably 15 months of pain it was the worst it's been. Nothing was working so took the plunge Friday and booked my foot in. Jump forward a few days and holy shit why didn't I do this sooner!? Pain is gone. I'm also walking less skewed meaning less compensating with other muscles so everything else is less sore. Next, need to pick up my new orthotics + keep on with the exercises and hopefully before long I'll be back to normal.
Moving on to other events. My weekend was low-key and over in a flash which is code for didn't accomplish much despite having much to accomplish. Saturday was daddy daughter day so we kicked off with groceries. Arrived home to a visiting family friend. Great to catch up but unfortunately no amount of posturing and gesturing that I had to make tracks could prevent the entire morning being swallowed up. Was midday by the time I managed the escape, again with child in tow, to do some maintenance at a friend's place of business. This is one of those funny situations [ironically funny not funny haha] where forewarning that I'd have a baby with me fell on deaf ears. Oh so having to hold the baby while I take time out of my day to do you a favour is impacting yours? Sorry my bad!
There was just one thing I wanted to get done on Sunday. Sprinklers/reticulation/irrigation/whatever you want to call it. Those things that stop your lawn from dying. They're an ongoing saga which've given me something to do most weekends since early December. Why? If you guessed because I like wasting money on buying parts frequently then you'd be wrong. If you guessed its because reticulation repair is a favourite hoby you would also be wrong. It's because, usually within hours of successfully troubleshooting the problem, someone drives over them again. Okay so I may have nailed them on occasion with the mower but whatever; its mostly cars. Anyway... after an appropriate amount of head scratching I gave in and dug up the lawn to expose the pipes. Of course then the phone rang and it was off to sell something I'd advertised on Gumtree. All went well and as soon as I got home we were back out the door to head for a BBQ. Despite all intentions to get in, out and home to allow enough time to finish... it didn't happen til late arvo. Dropped the hammer at that point. Quick hardware visit to grab parts, home to finish digging, located the cracked driven over section, repaired, filled it all back in aaaaand the system had managed to lose pressure again. Seriously FML. And to add insult, someone parked on one of them the next morning.
Alright why don't we move on with a brand spanker? In hindsight, last week's update wasn't my favourite ever so apologies but I ASSURE you this one is supremely superior. It's the how me in a locker room full of puny, unendowed, girly-mans feels if an update were me. Check it...
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Fuck OffDoes Your Dad Get This Angry When He Can't Figure Things Out? - HamburglarDude Risked Life And Limb By Unexpectedly Making Fun Of Newscaster's Wardrobe - F-ing TwitsSocial Media Jihad: Isis Supporters Create Their Own Facebook Clone Called 'Khelafabook' - BeefcakeMeet 'Hulk' The World's Largest Pit Bull Who Weighs In At A Staggering 175lbs - U Swallow?Hot Reporter Gets Asked If She Spits Or Swallows While On Live Television - Shark FYI'Don't Go In The Water!' The Rare & Incredibly Ugly Goblin Shark Will Have You Crying Tears Of 'Nope' - Mean TweetsPorn Stars Read Mean Comments And Tweets About Themselves. Oh The Humanity! - Huge Balls'You Got What You Deserved' - When Pranking Goes Wrong And Ends With A Punch In The Face - Earn To DieCars + Zombies... What's Not To Love!?
Fam RushThis Is Terribly Simple Yet Hopelessly Addictive - Crazy HotThe Slow Motion Big Titty Jog With Lindsey Pelas Is Un-Fucking-Believable - Whaaaat??This Is So Far Out There That... Nothing. Its Just Fucking Out There. Check It. - ChillingVideo Shows The Final Chilling Moments Leading Up To The Death Of A Film Crew Member - The BodyEveryone's Favourite Library Masturbator Is Back And Pretty In Pink. And Naked In Pink. Amazing In Pink. Wow Just Wow. - Zoe's ToeyZoe Kravitz Pokies And Puffy Camel Toe On The Beach - Low ActThis Mum Has Her Child Steal For Her As She Distracts The Clerk - DouchebagsMan Mountain Cop Handles Douchebags Like A Pro - KnightedCCTV Footage Of Record Producer Killing A Security Guard With His SUV
InkaniansThis Is A Slidey Type Puzzle Game Where You Have To Collect Diamonds And Do Other Things To Complete Each Level. Sounds Easy And It Is The Best Time Waster You'll See All Day! - Full ServiceAmazing POV MILF Blows Penis And Lick Asshole To Make Partner Jizz - Little BitchThis Is Great. The Building Owner Saw A Douchebag Tagging, So He Caught Him, Beat Him And Filmed Him Crying Like A Little Bitch - Hipster AssHot Blonde Hipster All Wet And Hot In A River? What Will They Think Of Next... - BeautyHot Pics Of Everyone's New Favourite Ebony Porn Star Anya Ivy With Her Perfect Everything In White Lingerie! - Love/HateKim Kardashian Went Blonde But Still Shows Off Her Boobs - Camz FailIt's Not Every Day You See A Mum And Daughter Doing A Cam Show, Naked And Dildo Fucking Each Other But Hey Whaddaya Know... Today Is The Day! - SluttyBlonde Slut Goes On A Cock Quest And Finds Many Willing To Blow A Load On And In Her - Ka-BOOM!Kurdish Peshmerga Destroy A Isis VBIED Just Before It Enters Their Compound - TrickedRacist Ass White Bitch
When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him he was lucky to be there. John Paul asked "Why? What did I do wrong on Earth?" "God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests" said St. Peter. "He's mad about that?" the late Pope asked. St. Peter replied "Oh, She's furious!"
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The lawyer says to the wealthy tycoon "I have some good news and, I have some bad news".
The tycoon replies "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first". The lawyer says "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 million".
The tycoon replies enthusiastically "Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?" The lawyer answers "The pictures are of you screwing your secretary".
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks "What are you doing?" She answers "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
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A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying".
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
ANIMALS... THEY AREN'T JUST DELICIOUS...
-Gorillas can catch human colds and other illnesses.
-Houseflies don't allow their short lifespans (14 days) to hinder their musical abilities. They always hum in the key of F.
-A newborn Chinese water deer is so small it can almost be held in the palm of the hand.
-Tigers not only have stripes on their fur, they also have them on their skin. No two tigers ever have the same stripes.
-Ostriches can run faster than horses.
-A lion in the wild usually makes no more than twenty kills a year.
-Bats are the only mammals that can fly.
-The female lion does ninety percent of the hunting.
-Fleas can jump up to 200 times their height. This is equivalent to a human jumping the Empire State Building.
-Kangaroos use their tails for balance, so if you lift a kangaroo's tail off the ground, it can't hop.
-The only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow.
-On average, there are 50,000 spiders per acre in green areas.
-Turtles, water snakes, crocodiles, alligators, dolphins, whales, and other water going creatures will drown if kept underwater too long.
-Elephants can smell water up to 3 miles away. They are also one of the three mammals that undergo menopause - the other two being humpback whales and human females.
-Squirrels plant thousands of new trees each year simply by forgetting where they put their acorns.
-Almost half the pigs in the world are kept by farmers in China.
-When playing with female puppies, male puppies will often let them win, even if they have a physical advantage.
-Koala bears eat eucalyptus leaves and almost nothing else.
-On average, dogs have better eyesight than humans, although not as colourful.
-Snakes are carnivores, which means they only eat animals, often small ones such as insects, birds, frogs and other small mammals.
-Because beavers' teeth never stop growing, they must constantly gnaw on objects to keep them at a manageable length. Their teeth would eventually grow into their brain if they didn't maintain them.
-Macaques in Japan have learnt to use coins to buy vending machine snacks.
-In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they're moose hunting.
-In China, killing a Panda is punishable by death.
-Butterflies have two compound eyes consisting of thousands of lenses, yet they can only see the colours red, green and yellow.
-The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.
-Rats laugh when tickled.
-Some male songbirds sing more than 2000 times each day.
-A snail can grow back a new eye if it loses one.
-Dolphins have names for each other.
-The only mammals to undergo menopause are elephants, humpback whales and human females.
-Puffins mate for life. They make their homes on cliff sides and set aside room for their toilet.
-You can tell a turtle's gender by the noise it makes. Males grunt and females hiss.
-The chicken and fish are the only animals that are eaten before they are born and after they die.
-A study measuring the effects of music found that cows produce more milk when listening to soothing music. They produce the most when listening to R.E.M's "Everybody Hurts".
-Giraffes have no vocal cords and their tongues are blue-black in colour.
-A tarantula can survive for more than two years without food.
-Oysters can change gender depending on which is best for mating.
-For every human in the world there are one million ants.
-Seahorses mate for life, and when they travel they hold each other's tails.
-Humpback whales create the loudest sound of any living creature. No wonder Japan wants to kill them all.
-If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will become pale.
-Before chicks hatch, they can communicate with each other and their mother through a system of sounds.
-Cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream lying down.
-Dogs' nose prints are as unique as human fingerprints and can be used to identify them.
-The average fox weighs 14 pounds.
-Turritopsis nutricula Immortal jellyfish is the only species known to live forever.
-Alligators can live up to 100 years.
-Crows are so intelligent they can play pranks on each other.
-A single elephant tooth can weigh as much as 9 pounds.
-Studies have shown that goats have accents.
-Contrary to popular belief, French poodles actually originated in Germany.
-During World War II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
-Squirrels will adopt other squirrels babies if they are abandoned.
-To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaw, push your thumb into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
-A lobster's blood isn't red like ours. It's light blue. It has copper in it, not iron. Iron makes blood red.
-Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backwards and their wings can beat at up to 80 times per second.
-It is much easier for dogs to learn spoken commands if they are given in conjunction with hand signals or gestures.
-Cats are amazing at twitching and turning their ears in all kinds of directions. Cats have 32 muscles working each ear. Humans only have six.
-Even a small amount of alcohol placed on a scorpion will make it go crazy and sting itself to death!
-Starfish have two stomachs - one inside like ours and a second one they can push outside their mouth to trap big chunks of food. When they're done eating, starfish pull this second one back inside.
-The flamingo can only eat when its head is upside down.
-What's inside a camel's hump? Most people think water but it's actually fat. Big, juicy back fat. This gives camels energy if they run out of food.
-Ants never sleep. Also they don't have lungs.
-Sharks don't have any bones. They have softer, more bendable cartilage.
-A group of owls is called a parliament.
-The tentacles of the giant Arctic jellyfish can grow to 120 feet long.
-Just one cow gives off enough harmful methane gas in a single day to fill around 400 litre bottles.
-There are more chickens in the world than any other kind of bird.
-Apple and pear seeds contain arsenic, which may be deadly to dogs.
-Sharks' teeth aren't really teeth - they're scales, like the scales on the outside of most fish.
-An anteater is nearly 6 feet long, yet its mouth is only an inch wide.
-Armadillos can walk under water.
-A herd of sixty cows is capable of producing a ton of milk in less than a day.
-There are more than 1,000 kinds of bats in the world.
-A grasshopper can leap 20 times the length of its own body.
-Guinea pigs aren't pigs at all but rodents, like rats. Some people think they got their name because they squeal like pigs do.
-At birth, baby kangaroos are only about an inch long.
-The smell of a skunk can be detected by a human a mile away.
-There is a butterfly in Africa with enough poison in its body to kill six cats.
IMA HIT THE SOLARIUM |
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There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday morning at 4:30am the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married. After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman. "Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30am. We'd like you to come along". "And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently. "Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex".
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering... 'God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more'.
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man pulling on her arm. "Have you made your decision?" he asked "Yes" she replied. "I do not want to go fishing". True to his word, the man pulled down his pants. "By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up". "I know" the man said "He didn't want to go either".
ORSM VIDEO
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home" replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy" says the cashier.
Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home" says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food" says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here" he says to the cashier "put your hand in here". The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm" she says. "Yes, that's right" says the man "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper".
ARE YOU STILL SURE YOU want to stop the BOATs...? |
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ORSM VIDEO
HER PERFECT DAY
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
HIS PERFECT DAY
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
7:00 Breakfast, bacon, eggs, toast, bacon and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Stoli bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet interstate.
9:30 Limo to championship golf course.
9:45 Front nine (2 under).
11:45 Lunch: 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob (recieve)
12:30 Back nine (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini).
14:30 Private G4 trip to the coast (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.
16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
17:00 Jet back and get massage and hand job en route.
18:45 Shit.
19:20 Shower and shave.
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963) 20 oz. Wagyu steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart - dog leaves room.
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time".
The guy from the wedding party replied "There is a simple solution to that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off".
Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.
About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He asked "Hey, is everything better on the home front?" The married man replied "Not exactly! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"
PEEKABOO I SEE THRU |
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A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him "My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?" "Well" drawls the farmer "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke". The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. "Okay" she says.
After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say "Huh?" She says "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers".
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says "Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah" says Luke "I remember". "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope" says Luke "I reckon not". "Me neither" says Jed. "Let's take these things off".
RANDOM SHITE
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said "I think I was just molested back there". The bus driver looked at her and said "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been".
So, he lets her off and drives on. He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says "I think I was just molested back there". Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of.
He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees. The bus driver says "Sir, what are you doing?" The man looks at him and says "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again".
EVERYTHING'S GOOD... BUTTER FACE... |
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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified. "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on".
ORSM
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Shit eh. Made it to the end intact. Good on me for doing something I've been doing foe years, lterally hundreds of times before...
-Check out the site archives. I've been combing over them for weeks trying to fix broken links and generally clean them up. Ultimately its a gigantic waste of my time but practice what you preach right...? Yadda yadda yadda... most fun I've had in fucking decades!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you even know when that is?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rape you. That's no joke either. He'll actually rape you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't just don't. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2015.03.05-18.30 |
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Welcome to slapping people on their ear.
The execution of the Aussies which will take place in Indonesia sometime in the next few days has me feeling angsty and sick to the stomach. Can't imagine what they or their families are going through right now. Despite last ditch, desperate pleas for clemency from Australia, there appears to be no possible way for the government to back down without looking weak to anyone considering trafficking drugs through there. Sadly for these guys they'll forever be the poster boys for not messing with drugs in Indo.
Execution debates disappeared here years ago with the abolition of the death penalty. Most people seem to find it barbaric and I'm definitely in that camp. -In my opinion- smuggling or just about anything to do with drugs aren't crimes worthy of paying with your life. Terrorism and kiddy fiddling for example are far, far worse and I'd be happy to see anyone doing that shit being executed for it. Victims of those crimes are unwilling participants whereas you'd have to say someone dying from drug use knowingly took the risk. Probably a pretty simple way to look at it and justify my own feelings but you feel how you feel right? No doubt there are a million different reasons why I have it all wrong however can't get past the fact two healthy young guys who would otherwise live for many years longer are about to have theirs taken away. It's all very fucked up.
Moving on... on to less serious things. In the wake of a long weekend there was lots happening. Friday was baby swimming classes where we rolled up to find an empty pool. Staff would only say that there had been "an incident". Am unsure why they don't/can't say one of the brats had a dump whilst in the water which escaped the swim nappy. I now realise it probably happens often and that any publically accessible pool is borderline open sewerage but what was truly surprising is the clean-up time. Yeah there's a guy with a pool scoop and someone drops in the robot cleaner to get 'bits' off the bottom and maybe they even splash in some extra chlorine. Maybe that's all you can do right? Close the pool for the day too? Nope. Ready for use again in 15 minutes! WHAAAT? #bailed #seeyouinaweek #maybe
It's been a longtime between music festivals for me. Last one I managed was Big Day Out 3-4 years ago so was all kinds of excited when mates invited me along with them... maybe a little less so after a chatting with a supermarket checkout chick though. She said that Darude was performing and how that old Darude song [Sandstorm] is "kind of like ironic now". Holy shit I felt old. Clearly remember being on the nightclub DF when the DJ dropped that track at the stroke of midnight one NY's. Everyone went mental. It was epic. Now it's ironic.
Anyway... jumped online the night before to buy a ticket. 'Final release' tix were pushing $180 each! Thought surely it was a mistake... turns out that's the going rate when you decide last minute to go. Had passed up Foo Fighters tickets at $150 each for this coming weekend and I like FF way, way more. And that was that. Got drunk and had an excellent time at a party instead so not all was lost.
Okay enough with the blogging words and stuff. Let's everyone stop holding everyone up from the update because its fucking outstanding. Let's you guys be the judge of that though. Check it...
SpectacularInsane Camera Angle Of Crashing Holden V8 Supercar - Scary ShitGirl Learns The Hard Way That Lions Are Crafty Assassins - Super-EgoExtravagant Rap Super-Ego Kanye West Summed Up In One Minute, One Take - Cats Are EvilCats Are Evil, Naughty, Mean, Selfish, But Also Incredibly Cute - Which Is Why We Love Them - OMG Want!!This TIE Interceptor Drone Is Pretty Cool - Mind BendingThese Amazing Perspective Tricks Will Mess With Your Mind (And Not A Blue/Black Dress In Sight) - Out-ChimpedIs The Monkey As Smart As You, Or Are You As Smart As A Monkey? - MonstrousGigantic 280 Pound Monster Catfish Caught By Italian Fisherman #nope - Shark LiftingSkills Required For This Game: 1. Excellent Mouse Clicking Ability
CoolnessMourn Is Strangely Addictive. Try As You May, The Chances Of Just Having A Quick Rip Seem Increasingly Unlikely. - Protest TitsTopless Protesters Protesting Against... It Doesn't Matter Does It... Because They Had Me At Topless... - SensationalMy 2 Favourite Things... Coffee And Perfect Titties! - CheatingSucking Dick In The Middle Of The Street... This Is WSH Bread And Butter - Gone GaGaLady Gaga Slips Caught Topless In Music Video Outtakes And She's Hotter Than You Realised! - Split'emHuge Cocks And Depraved Sluts Compilation. This Shit Is Quite Simply Out Of Control - U OK Mate?My Reaction Would Be Way, Way Angrier!! Someone Might Even Have Been In Line For A Punch! - Cavern-assWish I Knew A Girl Like This... Would Be A Bloody Amazing Trick To Pull Out At Parties! - Great Butt!God Knows We All Hate The Kardashians But Khloe Has Some Seriously Sweet Cheek Meat Down There - Fuck BusYoung Couple Having Sex On The Back Of A Bus
BeautifulThis Very Awesome Interactive Novel And Not Something You Would Typically Expect To Find On Orsm. Give It A Look. I Think You'll Be Very Surprised... - Messed Up"Shit White People Do" All In One Mesmerisingly Delicious Efukt-Style Compilation - PoopyThe Screams Of The Second Prank Guy Are Amazing. He Got Poop In His Eyes, And Now He Is Going To Lose His Shit - DisappointedHorny As Hell And She Can't Wait To Get A Dick Inside Her... Shame Her Boyfriend Can't Bring His Dick To The Party Though - She's All ToeColossal Camel Toe Brought To You By Leggings - Milian NipChristina Milian's Nipple Tape Gives Up And Lets Them Free - Nude YogaSexy Pics Of Busty Yoga Babe August Ames Getting Naked While Showing Off Her Flexible Body! Her Tits Are Out Of This World Awesome - AmazingThis Weasel Likes His Food Fresh! Watch A Weasel Eat A Seagull - Auto-lingusAutocunnilingus? It's The Fancy Way Of Describing A Girl Who Can't Eat Her Own Pussy!! - No Pls No!Dirty Little Slave Doesn't Like It In The Ass
Think about it... Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman.
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Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings. He sat beside her and said "I heard you were planning to leave me?" She replied "Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a paedophile!" Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds "That's a mighty big word for a 9 year old!"
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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says "Jesus Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter...
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Whenever anyone asks more what I do for a living I tell them I'm a gynaecologist. I'm really a cloakroom assistant in the Houses of Parliament but it's the same thing, I spend all day looking at cunts...
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A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla". He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says "What do you want, fat-head?" The lady behind the counter, shocked, says "Why did you call him that?" "I'll tell you why" says the dad "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along".
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
AND BABIES AND BABIES AND BABIES...
-The word "baby" may come from a baby's babbling, as in "ba-ba-ba-ba".
-A baby cannot taste salt until it is 4 months old. The delay may be related to the development of kidneys, which start to process sodium at about that age.
-On birth, babies do not have kneecaps. Rather they have a structure of cartilage that resembles kneecaps. They usually don't develop them fully until after six months.
-In medieval Europe, leeches were commonly used to treat babies' illnesses. For example, leeches were placed on a baby's windpipe for croup. Additionally, teething babies were commonly purged or bled.
-One would think that January sees the heaviest babies given all the holiday eating but this is untrue. May is actually the month that sees the heaviest babies born. Usually about an average of 200 grams heavier than any other month.
-In the U.S., more babies are born on Wednesday than on other days of the week. Sunday is the slowest day.
-In China, a baby is born with a birth defect every 30 minutes. Birth defects in that country have increased nearly 40% since 2001.
-They can scream and holler for what they want or need, but newborns can't technically cry. Tears can't actually be created or released until about three weeks in. However, in some cases, it isn't unusual for babies to shed their first tears until four or five months.
-The protein that keeps a baby's skull from fusing is called "noggin".
-When babies are born, they have 300 bones. Adults have 206. Bones fuse together during growth to come up with the new number.
-Newborns are more likely to turn their heads to the right than to the left
-The inner ear is the only sense organ to develop fully before birth. It reaches its adult size by the middle of pregnancy.
-Newborn birthmark are very common and normal. Around 80% of all babies are born with some form. The most common include stork bites and port wine stains.
-A baby has around 10,000 taste buds, far more than adults. They are not just on the tongue but also on the sides, back, and roof of the mouth. Eventually these extra taste buds disappear.
-The intestines of a newborn are about 11 feet long. The length will double by the time the baby grows to adulthood.
-Babies will startle at just about anything. Not because it is louder or softer, but because it is new.
-A newborn urinates about every 20 minutes and then roughly every hour by 6 months.
-Human babies are the only primates who smile at their parents.
-A newborn's eyesight is just about as good as an adult's. However, their brains aren't able to process information as well and usually start out at about eight to 15 inches of range.
-If a person who was born 8lbs and 20in at birth continued growing at the same rate as he does the first year, by the time he reached 20, he'd be 25ft tall and weigh nearly 315lbs.
-A baby is born in the world every three seconds.
-A newborn turning his or her head at a spoonful of food means they are full. This is also where shaking your head "no" comes from.
-Famous premature babies include Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Isaac Newton, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Napoleon Bonaparte, Mark Twain, Pablo Picasso, Auguste Renoir, Stevie Wonder, Johann Goethe, and Sir Winston Churchill.
-The largest number of babies born to a woman is 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets.
-It only takes a few weeks in before a baby can visually distinguish between his or her mother and other adults. The constant sounds and sights are soothing to the child and are missed when gone.
-In 1978, the first baby was born in Antarctica: Emilio Marcos Palma.
-Each year, over four million babies are born in the U.S.
-A baby is typically capable of their first smile at only one month old.
-Approximately two or three of every 1,000 children in the United States are born deaf or hard-of-hearing. More lose their hearing later in childhood.
-Babies can suffer serious health effects if their mothers have an STD, including death, low birth weight, conjunctivitis, pneumonia, neonatal sepsis (infection in the baby's blood stream), neurologic damage, blindness, deafness, acute hepatitis, meningitis, chronic liver disease, and cirrhosis. Many of these problems can be prevented if the mother receives prenatal care that includes screening for STDs.
-The heaviest baby ever born was a boy who weighed 22 pounds, eight ounces. He was born in Italy in 1955.
-In 1970, the average age for a first-time mum in the U.S. was 21. In 2008, it was 25.
-It is estimated that new parents in the U.S. will spend on average $7,000 the first year on a new baby's diapers, formula, and day care. This does not include medical costs.
-While adults and babies can do both, only at a certain age can you do both at the same time. At around six months is when babies can both take a breath and a bite at the very same time.
-The number of babies born to single women is at record levels. In 2010, there were 9.8 million single mums living with children under 18 in the U.S., up from 3.4 million in 1970.
-Over half a million babies (1 in 8) are born prematurely in the United States each year. Low birth weight rate has increased 9% since 2000 and 24% since the mid-1980s.
-At six months in, babies have usually doubled their birth weight. A near impossibility at any other age.
-Research has shown that caesarean babies are more likely to have breathing difficulties, as it is thought they may miss out on important hormonal and physiological changes that occur during labour.
-In four or five out of every 100 newborn babies, there is discharge of milk from the nipples. This is due to unusually high levels of the mother's hormones that leak across the placenta during pregnancy. Premature babies never have this discharge, only those who are full term.
-Pound for pound, your baby is stronger than many animals. An oxen is the best example of compatible strength. Their strongest muscles? The legs.
-A baby's head is proportionally huge, being one-quarter of the total body length, compared to only one-eighth of the total adult's length.
-The grasp of a newborn baby is so strong that its whole body can hang in mid-air, with its bent fingers supporting its weight.
-Although they can't speak, babies can still communicate physically. Waving bye-bye, clapping, pointing, and others are ways that they communicate. Studies show that the more physically they communicate, the better they will verbally communicate.
-At the moment of birth, a baby's heart beats at 180 pulses per minute. Within a few hours, the rate falls to 140 pulses. At 1 year old, the infant heart rate is 115 beats per minute. An adult's average resting level is 70-80 beats a minute.
-Research shows that a baby responds positively to the fragrance of its mother's breasts and ignores breast pads used by other women. Even more striking is the discovery that a blindfolded woman has the ability to identify her own child from a host of other babies by scent alone.
-At the end of the first year, a baby's weight will have tripled. That means if they were born at ten pounds, at their first year they will weight around 30, give or take.
-New babies prefer looking at a drawing of a face rather than a random pattern, and they prefer smiling faces to grumpy ones.
-Up until 7 months old, a baby can breathe and swallow at the same time.
-At one year old, a baby will have a foot half the size of their adult size.
-The youngest person ever to give birth was a five-year old Peruvian girl, Lina Medina.She gave birth to a boy on May 14, 1939.
-On average, female babies spend a day longer in the womb than male babies. White babies, on average, spend five days longer inside their mothers than black babies, while Indian babies spend six days longer in the womb than white babies.
-By the end of age two, the average baby has been changed 7,300 times. Average speed of each change? Two minutes, which adds up to three 40 hour work weeks each year. The average dad takes one minute, thirty seconds to change a diaper. This still adds up to about two 40 hour work weeks a year if dad did all of the diaper changing.
-The very best chance a baby has of surviving gestation is when its mother is aged 22.
-The average weight of a baby at birth is 7-8 lbs. The smallest baby ever to survive weighed only 8.5oz at birth.
-Feel like your kid is all nose and ears? That's because they never stop growing. Only the eyes remain the same size.
-On the whole, boy babies are slightly heavier than girl babies. The average weight of a newborn boy is 7lbs 10oz while that of a newborn girl is 7lbs 2oz.
-The brain of a newborn accounts for 10% of its total body weight. In adults this figure is down to 2%. By the end of the first year, an infant's brain increases in size two and half times, and by the end of the fifth year, it is three times what it was at birth. At all stages, the male brain is slightly larger than that of the female.
-During the nine months between conception and birth, a baby's weight increases 3,000 million times. On average. And this doesn't even take into account for multiple births.
-Babies are born with natural swimming abilities and can hold their breath. However, this ability quickly disappears.
BLOODY WOMEN CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES! |
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A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better than 10 Taliban fighters!" The Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers.
After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again: "One American solider is better than 100 Taliban fighters!"
So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers; this time sure of victory.
After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better than 1000 Taliban fighters!"
So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over.
The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "Don't send any more men it's a trap. There is really two of them!"
ORSM VIDEO
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed".
The black Lab said "So what's the vet going to do ? " "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down".
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch".
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked "Why are you here? "I'm a humper" said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
CATWALK NUDITY IS WHY FASHION SHOWS |
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ORSM VIDEO
AND BABIES AND BABIES AND BABIES [continued]...
-At around 6 months old, a baby learns that each object is unique. Before this time, whenever it sees a bird in a tree, it always assumes it was the same bird.
-Much like after they are born, babies eat first. Using the umbilical, they take the nutrients they need and leave the rest for mum. This is why it's so important for a woman to eat a healthy diet during pregnancy.
-Brain scans reveal that male babies have more asymmetrical brain hemispheres than female babies, and that female brains tend to have greater symmetry in the part of the brain concerned with complex mental processes. Female babies have more grey matter in the newer parts of the cerebral cortex, while male babies have proportionately more grey matter in the older, more primitive parts of the brain. Male brains are also significantly larger on the left.
-The term "infant" is from the Latin infans, meaning "unable to speak" and typically refers to the ages from 1-12 months. A "newborn" usually refers to an infant in the first 28 days of life.
-Prenatal babies take less than a month to develop and begin using their heart. On average it takes only 18 days from conception.
-SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) is responsible for more deaths than any other cause for babies 1 month to 1 year old, claiming 7,000 babies each year in the United States, or almost one baby every hour.
-Most newborns will lose all the hair they are born with in the first three or four months of life.
-Although what they are thinking isn't certain, the brain waves of a foetus can be recorded. This usually happens at the 42nd day after conception.
-Babies are not born with psychic tearing, or tears that indicates emotional distress, though they are born with basal tearing (enough tears to keep the eyes moist and healthy) and reflex tearing (tears that respond to an irritant). Between 2 and 4 months of age, a baby will start crying with tears when it gets upset.
-Although they are not running at full speed, babies have developed or begun to develop all of their bodily systems before the second month of the first trimester is over. It usually happens by the eighth week after conception.
-Newborns prefer the cadence of their native language at birth, suggesting that some language learning starts in utero. Research suggests that babies may even cry with the intonations of their mother tongue.
-Historians of the 18th century estimate that an infant was four times more likely to be a victim of homicide than anyone else.
-A babies chances of surviving outside the womb under intensive medical care can happen at around after the six month period. A prenatal baby that is 26 weeks old after conception has over a 50% chance of surviving.
-In Europe, milk was not pasteurised until the 1890s and was avoided, particularly for infants, because people believed their child would grow up to resemble the animal.
-The Greeks thought that mother's milk was produced in the uterus and transported to the breast by special vessels in the body. There existed since the Middle Ages a vague awareness that breast milk provided some protection against sickness - but colostrum, the fluid secreted after birth, was considered dangerous, and women were advised not to feed the newborn baby for a few days. An older child would draw the breast milk first.
-Babies on ultrasound are seen to react to their mother's laughing by bouncing up and down. This can happen in as little as 32 weeks after conception.
-In Medieval Europe, unruly babies were thought to be the result of inferior breast milk.
-Up until the 7th century, doctors believed many infant sicknesses were caused by the presence of too much acid in the stomach. Babies were fed chalk, crushed eggshells, coral, and oyster shells mixed with their gruel to counteract the acidity.
-The male sperm carries either the X or Y gene that determines gender. Any other tales on position, time of day, diet, and others are just myths.
-Until the 19th century, babies were not considered to have personalities and, therefore, were not in need of the physical and psychological nurturing.
-Redheaded wet nurses were avoided because at least until the 19th century, it was thought that babies absorbed the characteristics of the person nursing them. Parents wanted to avoid the legendary tempers of redheads.
-Apparently eating yams can increase the chances of having twins. A tribe in Africa whose diet consists mostly of yams was recently found to have exceptionally high rates of twins and multiple births.
-In 1235, Henry III decreed that Christian wet nurses could not nurse Jewish babies.
-In Europe and America in the 18th century, it was tradition to wash a newborn and then scour it with salt. It would be purged of meconium with emetic syrup, oil of almonds, castor oil, or anything else the midwife had, including wine and whisky.
-The chances of giving birth to twins are especially high in certain parts of West Africa. In Nigeria, for example, the odds are 22-1. Conversely, women in Japan are less likely to have twins, with the odds as high as 200-1.
-In parts of England, a newborn's head was washed in rum for luck. It was common all over Europe to give the infant a dab of butter and a little sugar to signify the hoped for riches that the child would have in the future.
-Traditionally, the length of the cut umbilical cord was thought to predict the length of a male baby's penis.
-While the average chance of having a boy or a girl remains 50/50, the actual numbers don't match. For every 100 girls born, there are 105 boys born.
-In Ancient Rome, an olive branch would be hung from the front door of a house if a boy was born, and a strip of woollen fabric was hung if the child was a girl. Eighteenth-century London houses hung strips of ribbon on their doorknockers: pink for a girl and blue for a boy.
-The Apache Indians ritually killed one twin, arguing that the mother did not have sufficient milk to feed two infants, and some Eskimo tribes left one twin outside to die in the cold.
-Babies typically prefer a female voice over a male voice, which may explain why people raise the pitch of their voice when talking to babies, otherwise known as "motherese".
-Meconium, or the greenish-black sticky material in the baby's digestive track, stands in for faecal material and allows the intestine to develop so it can digest milk immediately after birth.
-Psychologists believe that a baby's self-awareness develops around 12 months old.
-In the late 19th century, it was medically accepted in Europe and America that "infants who persisted in the habit of sucking always become masturbators". Not only were pacifiers considered unhealthy, parents were instructed to tie their children's hands to their cribs or to stuff their hands inside aluminium mittens.
-Babies in medieval Europe were often tightly swaddled in linen strips because it was thought that swaddling would help its arms and legs grow straight. It also served to immobilise the baby.
-The infant mortality in medieval Europe was as high as 30-50%.
-Female infanticide is still a major problem in India and China. Estimates indicate that 30.5 million females are "missing" from China.
-To many Victorians, the sight of crawling infants reminded them of their ape-like origins, and they forced their children to learn to walk early with the aid of cages and walkers.
-Research suggests that infants have a complex understanding of social interactions and hierarchies by 8-10 months of age.
-Research indicates that a baby's name influences a baby's life into adulthood. For example, a newborn boy with a more "feminine" name could lead to behavioural problems in life.
-Children don't remember much before the age of 3, due to what psychologists call "infantile amnesia". Neuroscientists believe that early experiences never make it into long-term memory banks because the brain's recording machinery isn't functional yet or because memory is tied to language acquisition.
-A baby will eat an estimated 15 pounds of cereal per year.
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ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The Postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded "Your name came up 7 times".
WE CAN START WITH ONE BOOB OUT... |
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A guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time".
The guy from the wedding party replied "There is a simple solution to that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off".
Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.
About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He asked "Hey, is everything better on the home front?" The married man replied "Not exactly! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"
RANDOM SHITE
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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says "No, I probably wouldn't".
The guy says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied "Because you're in a hardware store"...
PRAISE THY CHURCH SIGNS |
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it".
The Rabbi asked "What's wrong?"
The man replied "My wife is going to poison me".
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks "How can that be?"
The man then pleads "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know".
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.
"You want my advice?" The man said "Yes" and the Rabbi replied "Take the poison".
ORSM
VIDEO
My work here is done. Make sure you read on for the answers which you seek...
-Check out the site archives. By not, the only person you hurt is yourself.
-Next update will be next hari Kamis.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours for you... and no one wants that!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be nice... it may get you sex [not from me sorry]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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