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| orsmupdate 2011.03.31-19.38 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Orsm-addled.
So things seem to be cruising along much to my satisfaction of late... finally feels like there's a balance and shit is much better than February which contained a large portion of suck. It's also been a particularly awesome in terms of weather - the hottest March ever followed the equal hottest summer ever capped off by not a single drop of rain for two months. Obviously that means it'll be a rude shock when the cool weather starts to arrive and yesterday morning was the first sign of this - a slight coolness in the air and there's been dew for a few weeks now.
As much as it would kill me to part with my baby I'm starting to think seriously about changing cars in favour of something that's cheaper to run and more green. I'm lucky to have a zero commute so a tank lasts about two weeks but only gets me around 360kms [depending on how I drive] and with reports that fuel prices could go to $2 a litre it seems wise. The question is which car. I've been a staunch 'bigger is better' believer since forever. My first baby was a family-sized sedan and it's remained that way since however something smaller and easier to park could be the option. Diesel powered wouldn't be bad either. Apparently some of the current diesels crank 800kms out of a tank which -theoretically- would keep me going for a month between fill-ups and that would be fucking heaven. Like shitting and shaving, stopping to fuel up is one thing I wouldn't miss if I never had to do it again.
Staying with the most interesting subject I can think of, let's continue to talk about me and run through events of the week. Beginning with Friday which was another no electricity day. I'd love to say going eight hours without power was a nod to Earth Hour but this one was forced upon the entire suburb due to 'power pole maintenance' which is code for a bunch of guys standing around watching one guy swing a shovel. After busting through a couple of hours of exercising it was time to hit the shops and wander aimlessly until it was safe to return home. That night was the pub and realisation that social work is an entirely female dominated profession. Some sort of going away party for someone I'd never met with about a dozen or more girls and three guys [including me]. Was fun though - dealing with other people's problems must take a toll because they all got a bit wild.
And how to piss me off? One particular female is well aware of how anal I am when it comes to car cleanliness so during the ride home several minutes were spent deliberately trying to shake as many loose hairs as possible from her head into my car. The equivalent for anyone else would be dropping a turd or vomiting. The condition of re-entry was that promises must be made to never repeat such a heinous act.
Early start Saturday to walk the pooch before heading off to retrieve a car left stranded the previous night, a stop by the hardware store to stock up on various ant poisons and home to wash car and remove hair which included numerous uses of "what the fuck", "bitch" and "she's fucking dead". Back out that night to a block party thing. Am always hesitant towards things where I won't know anyone but actually had a pretty good time. Oh and for the record it was not me who pissed in the laundry...
Sunday began how most days do followed a few hours trying to selflessly solve the computer problems of others. From there we had several options - a meat festival, a birthday thing or pub along the coast. We went with the latter and it was there we posed for a photo which ended up on the web. Found it online Monday morning and forwarded to my co-conspirators with a note along the lines of "Look how fucking bald I'm going!" Soon after came the reply "Look how fucking grey I'm going!" My reply: "Did we get old without realising...?" *sigh* All that remained was a BBQ thing on the way home and perfect way to top off what was a near perfect weekend. For the love of god - more like it please.
Alright let's get moving with the rest of today's update. Much love and time went into this puppy so hopefully you'll enjoy it and I'll have something to boast to girls about. Check it...
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Angry Animals - Slo-Mo Stupidity - Drunk In Space - Bare Babes - Gay Mishap - Snake Bite - Baby Talk - Sexy Fuckers
Mouth Ache - Model Boobs - Subway Slut - Psycho Bitch - Amazing Cleaner - Sofia Vergara - Naked Crackhead
Box Of Dicks - Fatney Spears - Toothpicky - Lil' Rapper - Dogboarding - Retards Room - Poop Splat! - Silly Boy
Guy walks up to a really fat chick in a night club and asks her if she has a pen. She smiles and says yes, to which the guy says "Well you better fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're gone!"
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "Its Keith the dwarf!"
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What does AIDS stand for? Anally Injected Death Sentence.
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There's a woman sitting at home on the veranda with her husband drinking glass of wine and she says; "I love you." He asks "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies "It's me... talking to the wine."
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Crazy Sally went to her gynaecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation." "I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"
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I had rough, aggressive sex with my girlfriend last night. It's not what I'm into, but she initiated it. Yeah, she started it by not wanting to have sex with me. And saying she wasn't my girlfriend, and that she was just waiting for a bus.
ORSM
VIDEO
A tourist in Vienna is traipsing through a graveyard when he starts to hear music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!
| SHAY LAREN |
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One day in the forest, three guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden a huge pack of Indians attacked and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
After a while the first man returned with ten apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with ten grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the ninth grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy, still laughing, answered "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples and I just lost it..."
ORSM
VIDEO
It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again.
The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late.
The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return.
The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.
Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.
The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice.
"I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man... Peter, Peter something or other."
| CLEAVAGE |
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This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection.
That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen.
Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect. He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose.
Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said, "Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"
| SEE THE SIGNS |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Orsm and possibly have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or whatever... everything is welcome! And if I've seen it before, well lets just say I know where the delete key is. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts. It's what cool people do. Check it...
Annette wrote:
Subject: omg lol...
not the way to react to a bad review
Oh poor snookums thinks the review of her shitty book is "not fair". -Orsm |
Segal wrote:
Subject: Large gator
Robert Gatling should have left the beast to die naturally. What a shame, I wonder how brave you would be without 44 magnum power. Meet one on his terms in the water and if your survive I will be impressed. Otherwise your just a thrill killer. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Boobs
Thought you might like a pic of my gfs boobs, they are amazing :) Hide details plz
Perfect symmetry, shape, perkiness, inviting nipple and areola size, tan lines adding to the allure. I think we can all agree that they are indeed amazing. -Orsm |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: my third pic
I took this in San Antonio, Tx.. The guy tipped this loader up on it's nose and couldn't get it righted. Just as I was driving by and taking the pic, the driver jumped out of the cab coughing. The loader engine was grinding to a noisy death from oil starvation. Only later after I got the pic off my phone and looked at it on my laptop did I see what kind of business it was. It got better after I read the lettering on the side of the building. This is my 3rd pic to you, I'll keep the weird stuff coming. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: I <3 ( . )( . )!
Hey man, A picky of my mate lending his hat to a chick at the Sydney Big Day Out earlier this year. Might be good for the next ORSM Cleavage Spread?! Keep my details a secret or I'll send your mate Ray around and... yeah, you know the rest. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chinese take-out
My favorite Chinese take-out here in Tampa has either:
a) Ran out of cats and dogs
b) Is helping out the county by getting rid of the annoying panhandler's on every street corner
c) Hired Hannibal Lecter as a cook
d) All of the above
Hide all the bodies...I mean info blah blah blah. b.t.w. It was "finger licking" good.......I had to say it! |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Amendment to Plans
Please be careful when you put revision clouds on your drawings, some of the contractors do not understand.
Reminds me of my apprentice days... -Orsm |
Kiss wrote:
Subject: Gas prices
Fuck all petrolstations! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: God lord yes!
Dear ORSM, I love your site, been with you since before the priceless scandal. I have debated sending you "ex" pics and still might. But I do have this for a chuckle. Worst dating site ever! Please hide my info bla bla. |
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Craig wrote:
Subject: My, how the bike industry is changing
Howdy Mr Orsm... a mate of mine went to a bike show in Taipei recently....I'm sorry I didn't tag along...looks like fun... |
Lynette wrote:
Subject: Random Item
Hi, I found these to buy at a cheap store at the local shopping mall in South Brisbane. A nice addition to anyone's garden. haha! Enjoy! |
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Check out the pussy in this pic. Cheers
Which one...? -Orsm |
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Big Bob wrote:
Subject: Train Hits Deer ??????
Question #1 - Is my son OK? Question #2 - Where is he? I think I am going to strangle him! The kid came out without a scratch but he wasn't so sure that'd be the same situation after his Dad sees this............... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wife Pictures
Dear Orsm, I have been a long time fan and reader of your site. Today I am writing to you about the pitfalls of marriage. I married a very hot and sexual wife. We had children and still had a good sex life. The one day two months ago all the sex dried up. I still love her, I think she is hot, and she is a great lover when sex does happen. We are going on over a month of no sex. I help around the house, buy her gifts, anything she wants no sex. Gentleman as you can see from these pictures she used to be a fun girl. Now it has all stopped. DON'T GET MARRIED. Thank You Keep my info Private. |
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Avalon Airshow 2011 - photos
Hey there Mr. Orsm. It's been a while since I contributed so as a bit of a change to shooting cars like here and here attached are a few photos from the March 2011 Avalon International Airshow. I only managed to go for the Saturday & it was a shame that the B1B Lancer was way late but it was a great show with sensational aerial displays & enough on the ground to keep anyone amused for days. Bit of a PITA that it took an hour to get out of the bloody carpark afterwards though! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Ships in Cities
This is unbelievable!!
"Keep an eye out for navigation markers". -Orsm |
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Billy wrote:
Subject: Car of the Month Bat Smart Car - 2010 BatSmart Passion
1 of 1 made by Barris (the original maker of the batmobile for the TV show) and (before Warner Bros put a stop to any more being made). Actually For Sale ($40K). You'll never see another one of these |
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D Arbour wrote:
Subject: Is it just me or does wife #2's ass look familiar?
Hey love the site etc etc... Right to the point, I was checking out this live webcam site and this guy had both wives flashing the camera. Take a peek at these lovely ladies... and where wife #1 has a concealed 9mm!
WOnder what she's hiding under boob number two... -Orsm |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Hey Boss I broke the work light on my CAT.
Dear Boss, I backed the loader up and broke the reversing light. You will see the bolt holding the light has broken and may have also broken the globe altho the wire seems to be intact, so that's a plus. I don't think it will cost much to fix. CAT VS CUMMINS..... CAT= 1 CUMMINS=0 |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: 1960's Car Salesman
During the late 60's, most television programs and commercials were live. There were no "pre-recorded" programs. There were some obvious problems with this method. No "retakes" and "bloopers" were a regular occurrence. We have to assume he quit right after the commercial -- one way or another. This is no blooper! This guy was just very upset with his boss and told it like he thought it was. What a great job of ad-libbing. He never misses a beat while the camera man is just about to lose it. The commercial got on the air ... but only once. |
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Alejandro wrote:
Subject: Cheap Toys
Hello sir, My father in law recently bought a toy for my neice, and could not believe my ears when we played the "cow" sound...
I guess what we're all wondering is did your niece get the dick toy...? -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow". "Relax honey," her husband Roger reassured her, "It will all be okay."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonising three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"Okay. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30a.m however Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm uhm the head?" she said nervously. "Very good". "Six seconds." "Eh uhh the
heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I uhh oooohh darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
| SAMANTHA RYAN |
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There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." With that he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was very impressed with this feat and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow. His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible." The dad replied "the convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."
RANDOM SHITE
There's nothing I can really say about RS that it can't say for itself. Check my shite...
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible. No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind...
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He's sceptical, but says to himself, "Let's see what they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
| CASSIA RILEY |
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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Did I mention that that's all for this week...? Do not fret however because the following will be of some use in times like these...
- Check out the site archives. No I'm serious... check them out.
- Next update will be next Thursday because that's how things have always been done.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will remove one of your eyeballs with a spoon and then swallow it down like a good oyster while you watch with your one remaining eye. The funny part is that Ray doesnt even like eyes or oysters.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and -I know it's hard but- try not to annoy me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.03.24-19.17 |
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Orsm to Welcome.net. A deeper meaning.
Thursday my old friend... we meet again. I'm going through one of those incredibly proficient phases. I'm not usually one to mess around anyway - like to get things done and move on but for a change things are either up to date, almost up to date and in some cases sorted ahead of date. Even managed to clear my inbox at one point... that NEVER happens. Went through a similar phase at the same time last year prior to a ridiculously busy wedding period and with lots planned in coming months it seems smarter to work hard now to enjoy later.
Easter is atop that list. This year Good Friday, Easter Monday and Anzac Day combine to form a five day long weekend. Five-fucking-days! Can't remember last time it fell this was so to celebrate a few of us are southbound. Can just about taste the hot cross buns already...
Moving on... will forgo the renowned social commentary today because there are far more interesting things to blog about. Namely me.
I don't know what aligned so perfectly or if it was just our great overlords listening but last weekend was the best, most social, most overdue few days I've had in a long time. Was a nice change to hear the phone ring and someone ask what I'm doing as opposed to what I can do for them. Of course the sweet is never as sweet without the bitter and that's how it ended but I'll get to that...
Friday kicked off in normal fashion with an early bout of exercise. It's become clear that if I'm going to die anytime soon then it will likely be during one of these sessions due to my preference for a route taking in a very busy road and the fact I walk with the flow of traffic whilst wearing noise-cancelling earphones. Above everything else, my biggest gripe in this world is that fuckers cannot drive and at some point one of them will prove me right.
From there it was off to meet a friend for a coffee and my first experience with public breast feeding in a crowded place. Admittedly this is something I've never been comfortable with but when it's someone you know and you learn a different perspective it's not as disturbing. Of course this shouldn't be interpreted as me being wrong... I just wasn't right. Spent the rest of my day running various errands and working before departing the homestead again for dinner with friends. All up, pretty successful as far as Fridays go.
Saturday started much like the day before it [Friday... Sunday comes afterwards] before getting a move on for breakfast in the 'trendy' suburb of Leederville. This was a new experience for me. It's rare that I'll commit to breakfast-anything because I don't eat until later and much prefer dinner [read: red wine]. This goes back to early high school years when I realised eating anything before lunch made me tired - haven't eaten toast since. Anyway we planned to meet at a place which was apparently quite good and obviously it was because getting a table was impossible - packed to the brim with people scoffing eggs and bacon. Tried another joint which was just as busy although managed to fluke a table. Most surprising was how many people venture out for a morning feast. Everywhere was full. Had no idea this went on.
Next stop was to meet other friends for coffee, shopping and $10 massage which consumed most of the afternoon. The phone rang twice that evening with separate offers of social interaction which is a rare thing these days. Went with the dinner and movie option.
Early start on a picturesque Sunday to get the dog walked before another breakfast outing. This time a family event at a restaurant along the coast which was also packed to capacity. I'd learnt from the day before that anything significant wouldn't be eaten so went with a smoothie and the smallest tart from their display fridge. Turned out to be a critical error. Finished around 11, quick cruise and home to freshen up before collecting friends and returning again to a 'trendy' Leederville pub where we spent the afternoon catching up on times old and new. It was somewhere in there I began to feel what I thought was bloated... as in the beer was just staying with me.
Home later to quickly feed the dog wasn't quite the end of it. Dinner at a friend's place was on the cards and I made it there, hung out for a while but made an early exit when I realised the bloaty feeling was actually some sort of gastric issue. Excused myself and got home in time to poo, spew, poo, poo, spew and poo. This went on for the next 24 hours which is a testament to the awesomeness of the human body in that it can still produce waste despite no solid inputs for over 30 hours. I'm placing blame solely with the tart.
Okay let's end the prattle. No one would be surprised by me saying I have more to say but as we've run out of space it's time to move on. Okay so elephant in the room - we all know last week's update was a pinnacle in history of updates and anything preceding or following will have a hard time comparing but I've tried hard to bring the awesome again. If you disagree, the Orsm archives can be found here. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
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Game Time! - Lightsaber Fight - Blind Sighted - Rehab!? - Perfect Ass - 'Fuck It' - Balkan Sex Ed - Never Too Old
Too Awesome - No Longer Hot - Boob Worship - Pole Dancing - Ke$ha Fatness - Roid Rage - Hayden's Cleav
Pffft Asians - Owl Spy - Great Bod - Penis Pickup - Owned - True Slut - Miranda Nude - Hostage Situation
Was sitting on the train opposite a really sexy Thai girl. I thought to myself 'Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection'... but she did...
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After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought fuck it, I'll soldier on...!
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What did the Mexican fireman name his kids? Jose and hose B.
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A woman comes home and tells her husband that the car won't run. He asked her, "What's wrong with it?" I think it has water in the carburettor." "Well where is it so I can go check it?" "In the lake," replied the wife.
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Why is the Catholic clergy so opposed to abortion? Less children to molest.
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Success is just like being pregnant... everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were fucked!
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I tried to get hold of some Japanese friends to find out if they are okay. Can you believe they're not listed in the Yellow Pages?
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The Japanese are so fucking rich! Today I saw a man with two yachts on his garden!
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I don't get how Japan's nuclear reactor keeps running out of water. They had plenty of it last week.
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No wonder the death count is so low in Japan after the earthquake. They keep finding the same guy.
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Give a Japanese man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give him a fishing net and he might find his kids.
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Why do Japanese people always bow? Because they don't like waves.
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Does anyone else find it ironic that fish are now eating raw Japanese?
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I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life. Just kept going on and on about a huge rave.
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I tried to send an online application to a Japanese university, but the servers were flooded.
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My Japanese girlfriend just left me. I thought to myself, oh well, there's plenty more in the sea.
ORSM
VIDEO
MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE WHEN HAVING SEX
-Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is YOUR job.
-Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
-Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.
- Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
-Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
-Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
-Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads.
-Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".
-Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway.
-Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to cum, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off.
-Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say NO like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
-Expecting him to undress you. Women put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.
-Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
-Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.
-Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
-Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.
-Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. It's your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
-Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
-Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.
-Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
-Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
-Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a threesome. It's every guys dream.
-Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god-awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
-Nails. It's one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's another when you snag the goods with a claw.
-Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
-Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
-Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know it's not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
-Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little... fishy... perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
-Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
-Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have these rare Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.
-Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all it's cracked up to be.
-Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "forget it" and rolling over are not ok.
| CARLI AND SKYLYNN |
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There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you." "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a tree."
"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?" "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can check email?"
ORSM
VIDEO
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe and cover yourself!" he said.
Holding the shoe over her vajayjay, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
| BIG BOOBS |
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Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis. Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.
So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him. The friend gave the man the witch's address and the next day he visited her.
After telling the witch his problems she asked to see his penis. After showing her, she thought for a while and finally came up with an answer. "Go into the woods and find a frog. Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."
The man quickly ran to the woods. After searching for an hour he finally found a frog. He ran up to it and asked it to marry him. "NO thank you!" the frog said.
The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20. The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.
Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.
The frog replied "How many times do I have to tell you.... NO! NO! NO!"
| SHIPPING ACCIDENTS |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Orsm and possibly have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or whatever... everything is welcome! And if I've seen it before, well lets just say I know where the delete key is. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts. It's what cool people do. Check it...
justin wrote:
Subject: WOW the new Shell Commercial !
Here's a link to a Shell commercial shown in Europe. Ostensibly, they're selling gasoline, but the cars used in the video steal the show. Ferrari pulled several of their race cars from various ages out of storage, flew them around the world, and filmed them running through
the streets of Rome, Rio, New York, Hong Kong, Honolulu, Monaco and the NSW south coast. These are the original cars on the original streets. The best part is the sound - from the basso-profundo notes of the early, front-engine era, each scene cuts to a later generation, ending with the wail of a modern F1 car. Even if you're not a gearhead, this video will stir the soul.
The incredible ad almost justifies the near-record fuel prices we're experiencing! -Orsm |
Paul wrote:
Subject: EnviroReporter.com's Radiation Station
This is interesting for us here as we are in the flow of the jet stream...... This sensor is on the west cost of the US and it sure does go up and down. I have been keeping it running since yesterday and the highest I have seen so far is about 100...... from what I have read if you get a reading of 125 its time to get the Fuck out of Dodge. We are ready to go North here if it gets bad, got our cash stash and all we have to do is turn of the water and gas and we are gone. I don't think it will come to that but..... you never know. The one thing that is making us nervous here is that Japan has been downplaying it all along, only yesterday they actually came out and admitted it is out of control. Anyways kind of neat to watch it bounce around, almost like it is coming in waves. |
Gordon wrote:
Subject: Japan
hey Orsm, I can't agree more your comments re Japanese people conducting themselves in a dignified manner after the shitfight they've been through.The government appears to not be doing a lot to help them although press reports are usually bullshit, but your comments about no looting, complaining and carrying on are correct. They also appear to have led up the garden path re status of nuclear power stations which were past their useby. Good luck Japan!
Reports of looting have since started to come out. Still, the media found an Australian woman who had been resident in Japan for I think 15 years or more. Suddenly she wants out but can't afford it... whose fault do you think that is? Definitely not hers apparently... -Orsm |
Zinc wrote:
Subject: Bully getting it.
G'day orsm. The bully getting owned is farkn awesome, please run it next week as well. FUCK BULLIES. I could stab every one of you fuckers in the eye with a pencil. I am 44 yearrs old and it still guts me.
Win or lose that fight carried a $40,000 payoff for the participants. Source. -Orsm |
Hoss wrote:
Subject: Pic
Brings new meaning to a cocktail!
Does this taste penisy to you? -Orsm |
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allan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
hi m8, great site as usual. I found this shop in the canary islands, i reckon it should have been fcuk, but what do you reckon!
FCUK is usually written in a different font so FUCK knows. -Orsm |
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CJ wrote:
Subject: The "Must Have" Rugby Shirt
Wish I knew where to get one (shirt, that is!) Cheers |
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Andy wrote:
Subject: Save 19% at Amazon.com
I got this from the Amazon computer that makes "connections". Maybe it is smarter than we think? |
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Aalim wrote:
Subject: License plate
I remember you had a custom license plates gallery in the last update and I saw this today and thought Id take a pic and send it to you for a future gallery or w.e. Cheers!
Either a pedo or Bear Grylls fan. -Orsm |
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Stooged wrote:
Subject: Mr Sheen
Mr Sheen is on Coke again ...
I tried this. Didn't feel a thing. Maybe I have a high tolerance. -Orsm |
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Perry wrote:
Subject: iPhone skin
Unfortunate product name
For her pleasure. -Orsm |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: interesting pic
This just made me giggle.... Post up if you like... |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Work available
Work available at Bathurst if you know of anyone who's interested... |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Japan
This is a show of Japan.
Quite the mess... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex
Another Ex from toowoomba: Please hide details
God d-a-m-n... I thought all the girls in Toowomba were fuggers. -Orsm |
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Birgit wrote:
Subject: my private pics
Hi, I'm Birgit and here are my private pics for your site. Hope you can post them. Kisses
Done. Thank you kind lady. -Orsm |
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CJ wrote:
Subject: Size matters
What is the difference between Sarkozy, Netanyahu and Obama? Cheers |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Hi Speed Trains All Aboard!!
Trains of the world...
For more on the subject of illegal immigartion, this is a politically incorrect yet fascinating read. -Orsm |
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Al wrote:
Subject: Don't Go Swimming in the St. John's River
Robert Gatling is a Jacksonville dentist with a passion for Florida alligator hunting. He's been after them over the last seven years, and annually takes some heavyweights, including many over 10 feet long weighing hundreds of pounds. But the brute he and three buddies located Sept. 20 in the St. Johns River about 30 miles south of Jacksonville near the town of Palatka was not your average lake-living "lizard." |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: More pics
Dear ORSM: I'm the newbie who sent in a few pics last month and asked for comments to my email. Wow, what a response! I'm totally not used to this kind of attention. I didn't think you guys were into small boobs. Thanks to all the readers who sent me messages - some of you said some very sweet things and a few had some… interesting requests. Well, I didn't start out to be an internet tart, but I must admit the idea is intriguing. Not sure if I can go full monty online, but I'm thinking about it. SO, readers, since I am now a major ORSM fan, let me know what you think and what you'd like to see here on ORSM. And for those guys who sent me an email, give me a little time-- I'm really busy with work - but I'll pop "something" special into your inbox some time soon.
Part 1 is here and you can email her here. Please be nice! -Orsm |
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Army Air Corps P-47s vg
Here's the real thing not TV and no animations.. so to all you air buffs out there heres an interesting video of the P-47's in action during WW2... |
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I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother-in-law is a Welshman living in Adelaide, South Australia. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne, for a living. My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.
I am in love with a prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn't bother her at all. When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family.
My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family and I want to be completely honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Welsh?
ORSM VIDEO
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Haha! I'm the hippie!" The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Haha! I'm the bus driver!"
| TYLAR JACOBS |
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Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling" so he calls the teacher and says "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says okay, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says "Yes I know who you are". Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why. So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die" she wails. Then she yells, "If I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers... "Iron this. Then get me a beer".
| CELESTE STAR |
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father" he confessed "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner "You are forgiven... go and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months." This time the priest questioned "Who is this Fanny Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replied. "Very well" sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At mass the next morning - as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon - a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny, emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough for them to realise she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Fanny Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes".
ORSM
VIDEO
Can that be all? For today yes... but that doesn't mean there isnt more. Please read the following...
- Check out the site archives before they collapse under their own weight.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Next update will be next Thursday. Next update will be next Thursday. How many fucking times must I say it??
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell you stores about his life that will bore you some much you'll wish you could kill yourself twice.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and would someone please get me a GOOD fucking coffee. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.03.17-20.08 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. My... what sausagey fingers you have.
Don't see how it would be possible to get through todays update without a mention of Japan but rather than dwell on the negatives, one thing that has struck me as a testament to the people affected by an earthquake, tsunami and imminent nuclear meltdown is how they conduct themselves.
For starters, the cues for food, fuel and water - hundreds line up for countless hours patiently waiting for whatever they can get. Anywhere else would be a different story... most of us may not be so civil. Next is the lack of looting - with the blanket media coverage we no doubt would have heard if it were happening. Finally, there doesn't seem to be much -if any- bitching. Following floods and fires in Oz the media would manage to find someone every day that had complaints about the response from authorities or how they felt abandoned and whose fault it was. I remember seeing an Australian woman 'stranded' in Egypt during the uprising a while back and despite her group willingly travelling there, somehow the Aussie government was at fault for not sending a plane to evacuate them. Quite a contrast to people stuck in the fallout zone of a nuclear reactor.
Okay so I've never had to suffer through any sort of disaster and it's easy to sit here and say this stuff but seems like we could learn a lot from the Japs. Just sayin'...
Moving on... it's been an animal-centric week. It began with the pooch. Exactly a year after the last lot, which was a year after the lot before, she has had a couple of dermal cysts rupture. These I discovered on Sunday and had her at the vet first thing Monday where we found several more. It was then decided a long prolonged [can you say long prolonged?] op on her vulva would be done as well. Poor pooch only returned home this morning...wearing an Elizabethan collar. Safe to say she's not loving life at the moment but it's not exactly easy for me either - concealing my laughter whilst watching her move around is near impossible.
My other animal encounter came Tuesday morning as I returned from a morning walk - spotted a crow sitting on the road not moving much. Went over for a look and realised he was alive but not doing well. Usually when faced with this I'd just move on and let nature take its course but 1) I like crows and 2) there's nothing natural about being run over 1000 times which is what would have happened. Anyway, summoned the courage [disease concerns] to pick him up and take home with the idea of providing food and water but it wasn't happening. Poor little guy was having seizures and eventually died in my hands. Ever seen what happens when a crow dies? All the other crows gather round and 'crow' about it for half an hour or so. That didn't happen and being that it was probably me who deprived him of it, he's now buried in my back garden instead of the wheelie bin where other dead birds end up.
Running out of space so let's wrap the weekend shall we? It was for the most part and awesome one. The majority of Saturday was spent on my knees and bent over... and before you draw any gay conclusions, it was in more of a carpentry role. I'd be singled out to put down a floating floor at a friend's place. Just two rooms... of course you always think will be done and dusted in no time but took around seven hours. Just need to do the skirting at some point in the next few weeks. Shouldn't take long...
Was straight home from there, in the shower and back out the door to catch up with some friends before picking up some OTHER friends ahead of an engagement party that night. Finally rolled into bed around midnight absolutely exhausted.
Stayed in bed until nine the next morning. Far too sore to get up any earlier which annoys me because the good weather isn't going to last forever. Walked the mutt, took her to the dogwash and quickly washed the car. Decided to go for a cruise that afternoon so after picking up a mate, headed south for Fremantle. After chucking a few mad laps we pulled over to buy a drink. The moment I jumped out some random guy walked up to me and said "Nice car". I said "Thanks, mate" which turned out to be my first mistake. That "nice car" comment segued in what he does for a living, where he lives, the fact he has no driver's license or car after several high-speed chases with police, the drugs he was on, how much the drugs cost, actually showing me the money he was going to pay for the drugs with and then a request for my phone number so we could catch up for a beer -his shout- and visit to the 'knockers'. Fremantle... seriously.
Okay that'll do us. Foolish be you who are still reading and didn't scroll straight to the good stuff... not because I'm a shitty writer but because todays update is a fucking ripper. Check it...
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I went up to this girl, and tried to charm her by saying, "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long." She said, "Oh what a coincidence, I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
--
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "It was the one just next to it!"
--
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Err... I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
--
My daughter came home from school in tears. I asked "What's the matter love?" She said "One of my teachers was arrested for abusing children today." I put my arm around her. "Did he do anything to you?" She shook her head "No." I asked "Then why are you crying?" She sobbed "Even the fucking paedophiles aren't interested in me coz I'm ginger." I didn't know what to say to her, she had a point.
ORSM
VIDEO
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN IF...
-You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
-You think it's normal to have an ugly fat arsed leader called Julia. (Ju-liar)
-You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
-You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
-You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
-You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans 'rooting' for something.
-You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
-You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bn'.
-You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.
-You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
-You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
-You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
-You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
-You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
-You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
-You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
-You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
-You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
-You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwis again.
-Hamburger with Beetroot? Of course!
-You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
-You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
-You wear Ugh Boots outside the house.
-You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
-You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
-Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
-You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.
-You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
-You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
-Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
-You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
-You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
-You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
-You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
-When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
-You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.
-You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere... no matter where you actually are.
-You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
-You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
-You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
-You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
-You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
-You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
-You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
-You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.
-You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
-You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Strayla" and that's ok.
-And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
| VALENTINA VAUGHN |
 |
|
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office crying and claims that she has tried every possible way to lose weight, all to no avail. She continues to sob, "My husband won't make love to me anymore. My friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me. I just can't take it anymore!"
The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet, rectal feeding. Reassuring the patient that she won't starve to death, the doctor explains that she'll actually take in enough nutrients, through the rectal walls, to sustain life and that she's sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment and she's down from her 360 pounds to a trim 110 pounds. At first the doctor doesn't recognise her and asks his nurse, "Who is that beautiful lady in the waiting area?"
The nurse reminds the doctor that she's the fat lady on the special, rectal diet.
The doctor shows the patient into the exam room and notices that she is bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically. The doctor asks how she's doing and if there was anything wrong.
The patient replies, "I'm feeling great, Doc. Never felt better!" "In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?" The patient replies, "Oh, that... I'm just chewing gum."
ORSM
VIDEO
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well!
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident' she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
| MASTURBATION |
 |
|
HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this 'all-girls' trip. It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea. Beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at the piano bar, stayed there for rest of day. Saw Captain, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
| CUSTOM LICENSE PLATES |
 |
|
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
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READER MAIL
Today's RM has everything. Drama, intrigue, controversy, sex, suspense plus lots of other nouns that don't currently spring to mind.
If you would like to contribute to Orsm and possibly have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, randomness, jokes or whatever... everything is welcome! And if I've seen it before, well lets just say I know where the delete key is. Anyway all you need to do is click here and send until it hurts. It's what cool people do. Check it...
Steve wrote:
Subject: Snake bite
Hey just read in the paper the snake that bit the model orit fox died of silicone poisoning , no Shit.
This is true. Story link here. Video link here. -Orsm |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Tuning fail
Other folks may have more colourful names for this type of person but I prefer hard-of-thinking. There is a corner of a foreign field that is forever ORSM! Sympathies to Japan.
Don't feel sorry for him... feel sorry for whoever buys his car. -Orsm |
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Weird Pic
Not sure if this is weird enough for you. For some reason I find it unnerving. I found a whole set of this girl and she looks and seems normal, little white trashy, but normal enough but this picture is just weird to me. Probably the angle or something but she just looks
abnormally large...
Does she have a moustache? -Orsm |
 |
Chuck wrote:
Subject: Facebook Pic
Hey Mr Orsm, Love ur site, look forward to every Friday Morning, Here's a pic of a couple local Melb girls I saw on fb
One on the left gets my vote. -Orsm |
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M. De-M wrote:
Subject: RS - my latest motivational - Japan
Hey bud, hide email, got this in a text message and converted it to motivational (with only a 10" netbook and MSpaint). Some will say its harsh, but think of this; thousands of (also) innocent people die every week, the only difference is, these cunts just died all at once and had media coverage. Cry me a fucking river. Cheers! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi Orsm, Not sure the British press are the best at image placement at the moment..... see picture attached! :) Cheers |
 |
Tony wrote:
Subject: What WAS she thinking?
Hi Mate, I think she's ended up offering the sort of threesome that would attract Gary Glitter. She REALLY didn't think about her photograph before she posted it...
That's messed up. -Orsm |
 |
Gordon wrote:
Subject: Totally confused.....
Mr Orsm..... had to send this on to you..... helps explain a lot about our west coast situation here in the States. Have you ever wondered why folks in California can appear so confused? Consider this: Chief Heather Fong (left), is the first SFPD female, lesbian chief of police. Theresa Sparks (center), a former male, is president of the San Francisco Police Commission, CEO of a multimillion-dollar sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman. Sgt. Stephan Thorne (right), a former female, is the first transgender male SFPD police officer. Their Representative in Congress is Nancy Pelosi. ANY QUESTIONS? |
 |
simon wrote:
Subject: St Kilda FC 2011 Game Plan
Let's see them try & win the flag this way !
Kim Duthie not in there...? -Orsm |
 |
Blair wrote:
Subject: Greek roots
Mate, here's a pic I took near the Acropolis last year. It's either a tourist shop or a brothel. Not sure...
Root... Australian slang for 'fuck'. Ie. "I just rooted some bitch" or It's been a long day and I'm rooted". -Orsm |
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Curley wrote:
Subject: Metal for life?
Thought it would fit nicely in your "Random shite" segment :]
Metal forever. -Orsm |
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tony wrote:
Subject: pix
hi im 44 and got on to a 28 year old chick here is some pix she sent me hope u can use them ill follow up with more pix later love your site mate
Some people will say they love chubbies... others will say she needs to use that walking machine more. -Orsm
|
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Before and After - our beautiful city
The Earthquake that destroyed downtown Christchuch.... It is terrible ....sent to me by a kiwi
All these natural disasters happening around the world... at what point does everyone decide the damage is too great, everything is too far gone and abandon them? -Orsm |
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Big Bob wrote:
Subject: Nostalgia
Do you remember??? How's This For Nostalgia?
All before my time. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pictures
Hey Orsm. Hello from Austin, TX! Long time viewer blah blah blah. Here's some pics of a girl i was banging for a while. Withhold my information please. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Spectacular Australian Natural PhenomenonHmmmmmmm Amazing !!!
Can you imagine being in a powered hang glider and surfing the face of it....the ultimate ride....
This made me think of Charlie Sheen. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: The Pulpit
In FORSAND, not far from STAVANGER in the Norwegian province Rogaland, there is a huge CLIFF which towers 600 m above the fjord Lysefjorden ... The plateau at the top is about 25 meters by 25 meters and is nearly flat. But it is NOT fenced off !!! Reaching the top of the cliff isn't the dream of climbers, but it is the dream of the approximately 100.000 tourists who "conquer" the pulpit each year. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My ex, you might like these, I loved making them.
Thought you might like these pics of my ex. Please no names. |
 |
Kel wrote:
Subject: Spike Deployment Gone Wrong
Think about what you see here when you consider deployment of tire deflation devices in the line of duty. Attached please find a short video extolling the dangers inherent with spike deployments. Please share with your personnel as you deem appropriate. Good lessons to be learned here courtesy of my good friend Agent Carlos Jr. Landin with USBP, BORTAC. |
 |
Rob wrote:
Subject: The Bad-Alac
Hey Orsm, I have been enjoying your website for years... And finally I have something worth submitting... From one car enthusiast to another, Here¹s a video me doing donuts in my Cadillac CTS-V (aka the Bad-alac). I hope you enjoy! |
 |
ORSM VIDEO
COMMENTS MADE BY COPS [WITH A GOD COMPLEX]
-"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
-"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
-"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
-"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
-"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
-"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
-"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
-"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
-"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
-"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
-"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
-"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Centre)
-"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
-"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
-"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
-"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
| HOLLY WEST |
 |
|
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha! the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what the little fucker did to my tits!"
RANDOM SHITE
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A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My God! I never realised you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room.
While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man. "Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was 'Hells bells! I didn't realise you had such a big fat droopy arse...'"
Then she threw me out. Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?" "No" says the third fellow, "But, I bloody well could have!"
| SKYLYNN |
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|
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'?
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
ORSM
VIDEO
And we're done. I could go on about it but...
- Check out the site archives. If you knew what you'd find you would already be there.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Number 11 for the year can you believe.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tuck you into bed followed by a sweet bedtime story. He'll watch as you slowly drift off to a quiet slumber, sitting stoically whilst admiring how peaceful you look. After a while he'll take a pillow, moving it gently to cover your face, pressing down with both hands. As you struggle for air Ray will press harder, unforgivingly, smiling, only stopping as your body becomes lifeless to wipe a tear from his eye, to lean down and whisper "You had your chance". That's just how Ray does it.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and catch you on the flip. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2011.03.10-19.49 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. You come at the king, you best not miss.
Twitter me.
Kind of feels like life lately has been about helping and rendering assistance. This is not by choice. The phone has rung more often with requests to lend a hand than it has in any sort of social capacity. Instead of "Hi. Wanna catch up?" it's "can you fix my computer" or "can you give me a ride somewhere?" or "can you go somewhere for me?" or "can you organise it and let me know?" or "can I borrow some money?" or "can you come to my house and whatever?" or "can you buy something online for me?" and so on. I guess this all sounds a bit pissy and jilted but the door rarely swings both ways.
When did people become so incapable? Or how did I gain a rep as a schmuck go to guy? I'm probably not the busiest person in the world but in-between running Orsm, a small business, entertaining the dog, exercising, washing the car, shopping and so very much more there's precious little time left so now, whenever the phone rings, I cringe and wonder what it's going to cost me. Incidentally, the last time I asked anyone for anything was over the Christmas break - needed parents to take the dog for a few days. The time before that was months earlier and it's since come with near constant reminders.
As a result of these distractions I've been agitated and argumentative. Things that have annoyed me more than usual include: people who always miss the fucking point; ignoramuses who double dip [no excuse for sharing your germs with everyone else fucktards]; inconsiderate assholes that don't put their car into gear until the light turns green; morons who are too lazy to indicate; people who expect help when they won't help themselves; radio presenters who describe themselves as having 'dulcet tones'.
Moving on. It's been near impossible to escape the carbon tax debate. Our shitty Prime Minster announced recently that despite an election promise saying it wouldn't happen, Australians will soon be hit with a big fat environment saving tax. Honestly don't think I've heard one person pledge support [click here for a good read] which is hardly surprising in the wake of other taxes we're to be hit with - the unpopular mining tax and a flood levy following the devastation in Queensland. I'm starting to wonder if the billions left behind by the previous government weren't squandered on -amongst other things- unneeded stimulus handouts, free home insulation schemes, school halls and the looming National Broadband Network, there would be any need for the endless cash grabs. Australia - overtaxed, overregulated and over governed.
Okay onto the weekend. With a plethora of events happening around town including the Future Music and Soundwave festivals, a beachside sculpture thing, Michael Bublé [why is he so popular?] and various other bits, things should have been busier and better but alas, no such luck.
Saturday began in usual steamy fashion and after a bout of fierce exercise it was off to a friend's place to lay floorboards. After ripping up carpets and prepping the surface it was decided that the boards on hand weren't suitable so a quick trip to the hardware store was made. Of course they didn't have anything matching so the next two hours were spent going shop to shop to shop trying to find something usable. Didn't come across a single Aussie salesman either but the Welsh, Irish, Poms and Indians were well represented. When we finally found the right boards it was a case of "Sorry. Can't get them until Tuesday". All a big waste of time... and also stitches up the coming weekend. Doh.
Sunday was -by choice- more withdrawn from the cruel, cruel world. Walked the dog, washed the car, gardened, sprayed for weeds, killed ants, swept and did small maintenance jobs around the place. Not long after was a much needed cruise up and down the coast. There were plans in there for a big boozy Sunday session but due to my aforementioned agitation, ended up staying in to finish season five of The Wire. Suggestions for better or must-see TV go here.
Monday was the Labour Day public holiday which, according to Wikipedia, is "an annual holiday to celebrate the economic and social achievements of workers". I was pretty much desperate to get out of the house and do absolutely anything but with a family breakfast canned last minute and distinct lack of other entertaining options, instead passed the entire day productively in front of the PC. Such a waste of a long weekend.
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The city of Detroit police department has announced this morning that all German Shepherd police dogs will be replaced by Coon Hounds due to the fact that the city is not having any problems with Germans.
--
How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill 2 1/2 men!!
--
Don't you hate it when you're driving along, smoking a cigarette, and you flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and, sure enough, Grandma's fingering herself again...
--
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.
--
I woke up bald this morning! Obviously the wife misunderstood me when I suggested she shave her cunt!
--
A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. They're talking about old times and whether they've any regrets. "Well," says the man "there is one thing I wish we could have done together." "What's that?" asked the wife. "Well, I've always wanted to have sex doggy fashion." "Do you really want to do that?" "Yes," says the husband "Do you think we could?" "Well," says the wife "I suppose we could, but on two conditions." "Yes my dear, of course, what are they?" "Well, the first is that we do it in the dark, and the second is that we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!"
ORSM
VIDEO
DEFINITIONS SIMPLIFIED
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
AUTHOR: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
BOSS: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
CHILDHOOD: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
COMPROMISE: The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
DENIAL: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
ETC: An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
EXPERIENCE: In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.
FATHER: The banker that nature provides.
FITNESS: Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET: A food fetishist.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
HOOKER: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC: A thief with breeding.
LECTURE: The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
NEIGHBOURS: The strangers who live next door.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.
ORGASM: The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE: A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.
QUAGMIRE: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from eg., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
RAISIN: A grape with sunburn.
REDNECK: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
TEARS: The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
VOTING: The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
X-RAY: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Y-CHROMOSOME: A line of defective genes designed for men only.
ZOO: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
| GEORGIA JONES |
 |
|
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
"Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?" asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?"
Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what the hell would you say?"
ORSM
VIDEO
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
| THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE: CLEAVAGE |
 |
|
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball" the golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're okay and I apologise." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here" the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer says. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly "It's OK."
C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's pretty good for a young Catholic priest in a small parish."
| AMAZING TREEHOUSES |
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READER MAIL
I've heard some people describe RM as the single greatest invention since the internet came along and I agree because these are obviously smart people.
If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and possibly have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all welcome! All you need to do is click here and send until it hurts.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: RS Pic
Hey Mate. Just thought you may be interested to know the pic in this weeks random shite that has like a family standing for a photo with a gunman in the back ground was actually a political assassination in the Philippines this most recent past new year. The guy taking the pic was a politician, he was killed while taking that pic of his family. The shooter was caught two days later because the pic of him was clear as. Talk about bad timing on the shooters part. And how's the luck of the family having thre perfect shot of the crime in progress! |
Andrew wrote:
Subject: Ipad 2 and Orsm.net
Orsm, Browsing the Melbourne Age this morning at 8.30 am and read about the iPad 2 release and looked at the photo gallery. The shot representing the web browser ability had your URL on it. Maybe check your hit rate for this morning and see if it went through the roof. You have friends everywhere
They removed it pretty quickly. -Orsm |
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Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: saw this
Saw this at the hospital yesterday. 1800-how's-my-parking ??? What the fcuk ?
I secretly hope people who do things like this die. -Orsm |
Steven wrote:
Subject: a very unfortunate photo. . .
A Friday funny... A stunning piece of accidental photography - Read the fine print at the bottom of the pic!
Got the feeling that the arm represents the truth. -Orsm |
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Jamie wrote:
Subject: Epic craigslist douche
I was forwarded this ad by a friend. This guy posted a personal ad, but cannot possibly have actually seen a naked girl before. Enjoy!
Wow talk about putting it all out there. I'm guessing that rampant steroid use has fried his hormones. This dude is clearly a bitch looking for a dude. -Orsm |
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Eva wrote:
Subject: Reader mail (product placement)
long time reader first time........ bla bla hold contact info pls. Strolling Youtube looking at reactions for 1 guy 1 jar, you think the product placement could have been in a better location.
Here's a link to the original video... a video I have never been able to bring myself to watch. Caution advised! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
Here's a pic of the air conditioning unit after a fun ride on it with my
neighbor's wife. Please hide details |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: dating profile
best dating profile ever OMG!!!!!!!
Sounds like a keeper, ladies? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny add
Great site, I found this while surfing craigslist. I think i could go for this Blackberry. Cheers
Umm. -Orsm |
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CJ wrote:
Subject: Eye Contact
Sometimes it's difficult to look someone in the eye when you are talking to them. In this case, i think it's because she is squinting.. I'm sure it's the squinting....
Maybe because she has something in her eye...? -Orsm |
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|
Mick wrote:
Subject: Hanging Rock Car Show
dear mr. orsm. I went to the annual 'Picnic at Hanging Rock' car show over the weekend, and as usual, I took heaps of photos. This show is so huge that i saw probably about 50% of the show, (having set up our own marquee and barbie, you can understand how i lost valuable viewing time in preference to a snag and brew...). Anyway, the show was awesome, ahem, orsm, with alot of makes well represented. No shortage of American and Australian muscle, old Mercs and Jaguars and even a Rolls Royce where some of the other makes that you would find parked next to a '32 Ford or a 69 'Vette. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Waddaya say fellas?
Dear Mr. Orsm:
Ran across your site the other day... LOVE it, you've got a new fan! And since you
seem to have a fairly lively Readers' Mail section, I thought I'd give you horny
Aussie lads a look at some "toyt" Asian tushy. Enjoy! BTW comments welcome: I'd
like to know what you white boys think of us little brown Asians - ha ha! I'm not
shy or fragile, so go ahead ORSM readers, and give us an honest 'hot or not'
assessment.
Hit me up: hottegurll.1978@yahoo.com |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: A thrown piston....TRAIN ENGINE
Glad you don't live near the Railroad tracks??? This is Canadian National locomotive number 2699. It is a 212 ton machine powered by a 183 liter, 4400 hp V16 4 stroke diesel. Shortly before this picture was taken, while working under load, 2699 experienced what is known in the trade as a "catastrophic uncontained engine failure". The train was passing the town of Independence, LA, at the time. The pictures show that the engine exploded and one of the 16 cylinder-packs that form the engine was ejected through the engine bay body side and thrown clear of the locomotive. In addition to this, the piston from that cylinder was thrown free by the force of the failure. It was ejected so violently that it traveled through the air and crashed through the roof of a nearby home where it embedded itself into an interior wall. This lends a whole new meaning to a "blown" engine. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of girl in video.
G'day Mr Orsm. Love the site, haven't sent anything in before but thought this was too good to pass up. The slut with the black hair in this video is named [removed], originally from QLD, as you can tell shes a classy girl and I thought you would like some pictures of her. please hide my details. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Pork Chop Anyone? FOR U HUNTERS OUT THERE
What would you do if this beast was coming at you? Run for dear life? Climb a tree? Or simply get run over? Over 1,800 lb. Wild boar shot and killed in Conroe, Texas near the County Airport, East of I-45 and near the community of Cut and Shoot. Yep..... only in Texas ! We were taught to stand still because their eyesight is poor. By standing still they probably would not see you and walk right on by. And no you can't out run them!! Look at how tall the grass and weeds are. How fast do you think you would be running thru that? I don't know about ya'll but I'm a fat slow joker that would fall flat on my face after a few steps. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
little chubby, but one SWEET young thing.... 18 year old..... she likes older men.... i'm 46... fucked her all night.... hold my info |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Nice pool table.......... I think it would be easy to move lol
I want!! One really should have such a pool table in one's home..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Mustang pool table is built on a solid pool table frame (with levelers) and features a standard size 4' x 8' slate game top. Made with a solid fiberglass body molded from a real 1965 classic Mustang, the pool table is finished with high quality auto paint and clear-coat. Special Introductory Pricing of Only $14,995 |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: bad ass
Mr. Orsm - Long time view/contributor. Your site ROCKS. Most people in the USA don't like Texans just because they are Texans. I'm sure you have similar places down under (as does the rest of the world in some form or another). Anyway here's a video of a Texas rabbit. Pretty impressive! |
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Phillps wrote:
Subject: gaffer tape hilarity
ok, hilarity may be a bit strong, but we were bored and our housemate let us gaffer tape his arms and legs together... so a cleaver seemed the most sensible way to get him out :) |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Practical joke
Hi Mr Orsm, Thought you would like this for your site. Practical joke goes terribly wrong-Gas line explodes. You tube link [here]. |
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ORSM VIDEO
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Monique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says... "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
| JOEY HART |
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|
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The man's wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."
Then the cop says, "Well since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No sir." the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"
Curious, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No!" she replies, "Only when he's drinking!"
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Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of doze and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent." "Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business." said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
| SOPHIE STRAUSS |
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|
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"Oh no you don't! I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Err do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
ORSM
VIDEO
And that brings us to the end of another update. If I've managed to keep you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing then my work is here done.
- Check out the site archives. They're good people.
- Next update will be next Dydd Iau.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill your whole family, your friends, your friends parents, your friends parents friends, your friends parents friends cousins, your friends parents friends cousins neighbours and even your friends parents friends cousins neighbours local members for parliament.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and un-fucking-emo yourself. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2011.03.03-20.29 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. #orsmdotnet
Seems like the two most entertaining people in the world right now are Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen. You can't get past a news bulletin without some mention of either and this is because we all love a good train wreck. I do however want to be Charlie for a day - people always listen when he speaks, he makes $2M a week, is comfortable telling anyone to fuck off, parties harder than Sinatra, Jagger and Richards, his brain isn't from this world, drugs are fun, has live-in porn stars and is always winning. An average day for me is vastly different. Yesterday - 17 hours at the computer, vices included coffee and Red Bull, worked through lunch and dinner, fielded seemingly endless calls and emails from friends asking for stuff and my happiest moment was finishing Reader Mail before 7pm. Crazy is clearly be better.
So summer is over but I don't see it getting cooler anytime soon. We're at a record 26 consecutive days over 30°C [86°F] and whilst 30 doesn't sound too bad, plenty of them have been well in excess. It was after all our equal hottest summer. Still, the biggest complaint from most is the humidity which is teetering on retarded. There are bigger worries though. Namely my fucking electricity bill. With three computers sitting under the desk it gets hot-as-fuck in here. Factor in the no reprieve nights and inability to leave the house without locking dog inside, the a/c has been on just about constantly for the last two months. Add the extortionate electricity price increase recently and we're talking serious cheddar. I say all this but expensive as it is - at what price comfort?
I've been struggling lately... the internet and my procrastinating abilities sharing blame. Following the PC upgrade and switch to Windows 7 a few months back, my trusty Canon printer has been made defunct - no driver support. I'm not entirely unhappy because I've wanted a photo printer for ages but why bin something that's working, right? Anyway I started researching because tech has changed in the eight years that this one has been on my desk. Pretty quickly worked out what features I wanted - copy, scan, fax, print, wireless, individual ink tanks, A3, excellent photo quality and must be Canon or HP. Now you can find all those features easily enough... but of course not in one machine. Fucking countless hours Googling and reading reviews and I'm still no closer to a decision. THIS is why I can't get shit done sometimes. It's become so easy to find information that everything is now info overload. How did I buy the current printer all those years ago? Easy. Walked into the nearest computer shop and said "That one looks nice. I'll take it". Oh for a simpler time.
Running out of space so without further ado I'll descend into a wrap of events taking up the last week of my exciting life...
After a fourth night of minimal sleep at the hands of a friends dog which had taken up residence, I got an early start in 95% humidity to do some exercise. Kind of an experiment to see how hard I could push myself so added the biggest hill I could find to my route, then walked the dogs and then jumped on the rowing machine. I survived to jump in the car and go fixing computers... what else would you rather do on your day off? Headed homeward after that - t'was again disgustingly hot and staying out of it seemed like the right thing to do.
Another early start Sunday to walk the dogs and wash the car. Again impossible to beat the heat but a good way to sweat off some kilos. Following that was lunch along the coast with friends. Again thanks to the internet it's possible to find just about infinite reviews of any restaurant these days so couldn't resist trying a place with a 51% rating. Thankfully wasn't at all, especially considering the beachfront location. Took a cruise up and down the coast afterwards expecting people to be out in force but was all kind of quiet. If not to the beach, where the hell do people go on the hot days?
That will probably do us with that what Orsm thinks. Today's update will surpass all expectations because I said it will. Check it...
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How do you know when a woman is to fat to fuck? You get her panties down to her knees and her cunt is still in them.
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Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."
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There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.
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A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
--
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls..."
ORSM
VIDEO
SMART ARSE ANSWER #1
An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as the inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #2
A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!" he snapped at the judge. His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #3
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #4
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #5
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #6
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
SMART ARSE ANSWER #7
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #8
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel!"
SMART ARSE ANSWER #9
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #10
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
| PARIS AND CARLI |
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HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.
ORSM
VIDEO
Lovers of the English language will enjoy this. It is an example of why people learning English have so much trouble. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP'. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election. Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car. At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses...
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special!
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about the word UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap this UP for now because my time is UP!
Oh... one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U-P!
Don't mess UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... It's UP to you! Now I think I'll shut UP.
| BIKINIS |
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PREGNANCY Q&A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the words 'child support payment' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in university.
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs? A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labour-saving device.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Because you're fatter than they are.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? A: Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: How long is the average woman in labour? A: Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: What are forceps? A: Giant baby tweezers.
Q: Does labour cause haemorrhoids? A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: What is the grasp reflex? A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitise nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.
| PREGNANCY TIPS |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to submit, contribute, respond or just say your bit then you may do so here - we're always happy to be plastered with porn, pics of your tasty Ex, random shit, video clips, funny shit, cool links or email forwards - whatever it is, it's all welcome! Just click here and make the magic happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: what-the-yolk-is-going-on-here
orsmness, The video clip comes from the 1985 japanese movie, Tampopo. The blurb says,"The primary subplot involves a white-suited yakuza gangster (Koji Yakusho) and his mistress (Fukumi Kuroda), who find eyebrow-raising and erotic new ways to use food." |
Rob wrote:
Subject: AIDS bathroom sticker
Regarding that "Don't catch AIDS!!!" bathroom sticker, while you (and they) are correct that black males are more likely than white males to be infected by HIV, the proportion is actually around 6.5 times, rather than the
made-up 14 times quoted on that wonderfully informative sticker there. Also, the National Alliance are a White Supremacist group, so pretty much anything they say regarding black people is going to be bullshit. Cheers. |
Arnie wrote:
Subject: Please do something orsm for me!
Hey Mr Orsm, Cant believe I've been reading your page for so long. Anyway this is my third submission and I really hope you can help. Please could you post this video up. It could help 100's of thousands of medical cannabis users in the UK and possibly around the world. With growing pressure on governments to regulate and tax cannabis we need to get the message across to as wide an audience as possible.
Whilst I'm not a stoner this was a surprisingly good watch... and yes I watched most of it. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: American Debt vs control of congress
Since the American budget is initiated and controlled by congress a better graph is shown below than the one in this week readers mail. The American system was originally NOT intended to have an all powerful executive but over time we have turned our focus more and more to the president, the result is they get way to much of the credit and blame for things that are not solely their responsibility. Ultimately there is plenty of blame to go around we just need to stop pointing fingers and realize something has to be done, our current path cannot be sustained and there will be some "pain" involved for all. |
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Bradley wrote:
Subject: Have a load of Jesus!
Mate - Recently saw this while of a road trip in New Zealand in the North island - we were on the way to the Bay of Islands from Auckland. Enjoy the site - keep up the funny stuff - it's what sets you apart and above the usual porn! |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: post cyclone mowing
Mowing the lawn in Darwin after Carlos. Mate a good add for Honda
A cut was clearly overdue. -Orsm |
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PeteJ wrote:
Subject: Mr Asia
Oi I spotted this arriving in Bangkok late last year at the arrivals hall. You may know the Mr Asia drug syndicate from years back, headed by Terry Clark and made famous by the second series of Underbelly. It made me giggle like a jap schoolgirl in a piss vid. LOL. Hide the particulars pls :) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hotnurse
Facebook Hotnurse! Please keep my details private!
If all nurses looked like that I'd get sick more often -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Thought you might get a laff
Love your site!!! I've been visiting for years and thought I may as well contribute... Please hide info thx... |
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CJ wrote:
Subject: A great 'head'line
Some times editors just don't get it! Cheers.
Parents - DO NOT send your daughters to this school. -Orsm |
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Rudi wrote:
Subject: Random shyte perhaps..
Hi ORSM, Mate of mine's dog at the beach. From South Africa |
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V wrote:
Subject: Front Page News in NT Newspaper!
I thought talent like this was only found in the Philippines!! There are some talented people here on our own soil!! I hope he got a tetanus shot. |
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david wrote:
Subject: Craiglist has no sense of humor
Here is an ad I put on craigslist... they flagged it right away.. |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: extended holiday
Thinking outside the box.
A guy this clever should have been promoted not fired. -Orsm |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: PILANESBERG
Pics taken at the Pilanesberg Gane reserve close to Sun City. This is pucker factor time, afterwards you drop a turd as thick as your arm. |
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justin wrote:
Subject: 2011 Motorcycle Helmets
I never cease to marvel at the Free Enterprise System, When a product reaches the point where it's nigh on to impossible to improve its functionality, someone will still come up with a way to make people want to ditch their old one and get yours. Check out these motorcycle helmets... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Kym
Hi, A few more "additions" to bookkeeper Kim's Gallery. No details please.
Previous parts can be found here and here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Public Displays of Affection
Hi ORSM, I thought I was the only fan in Kenya. I realize all my friends are fans,
but are embarrassed to say so. Maybe Ray should pay them a visit. I found these images of some interesting PDA's in Kakamega, one of our big towns, apart from Nairobi. |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... This Bears Watching
People living in Colorado Springs wondered why their rain water barrel was almost empty every day. They set up a couple of cameras and look what they caught on film. Isn't nature beautiful?! These are absolutely priceless? |
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Kenneth wrote:
Subject: Posters
Here ya go mate. Getting ready for our Asia tour in April, it shall be epic!
See more from my mates at Thirsty Swagman here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pictures of Ex
Hey Orsm, I recently found out that this ex of mine has been going around spreading all kinds of ridiculous bullshit about me to everyone we know. So, as my thanks to her I want to give my contribution. Slap these up on your site for the world to see, but please hold my details. Enjoy! |
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Crocket wrote:
Subject: Emailing: vid 3 miranda fucking
This is [a girl] getting tupped by X-B/F who was holding the camera. She dropped him soon after and he was so pissed off he sent vids of her to all & sundry through an Kiwi dating site. Just the sort of random shite we all love to watch. |
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ORSM VIDEO
What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby?
They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
| THE ART OF CAKE |
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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from civilisation as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation there's a knock at the door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Cliff, I'm your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come..." "Great!" says Tom "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you".
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. There'll be some drinking". "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n" likely gonna be some fighting too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex too." "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
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A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
| EVA ANGELINA |
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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
ORSM
VIDEO
That be all girls and boys. Do yourself a solid and read the following...
- Check out the site archives or I'll get passive aggressive on your arse.
- Next Thursday will be next update.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will block you on Windows Live Messenger.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a good LONG weeeknd. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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