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| orsmupdate 2010.03.25.22.43 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I'm the only normal one.
Holy fucking rushed week, Batman. Everything is happening, everyone needs something and there isn't enough time to do it all. We're southbound tomorrow for a family wedding which I'm looking forward to... kind of anyway. No idea what it is about weddings that sends people animal crackers insane but if I've learnt one thing it's to shut your mouth and stay out of it. You'll be a happier person that way.
Monday was epic storm day. The forecast was of course for 'a chance of an afternoon storm'. Age and experience [aka. pessimism] have taught me it's best to take these things with a grain of salt - if weather bureau says it's going to be extremely hot then make sure you don't forget your coat. Rarely do they get it right. Anyway by mid afternoon it was obvious there was rain on the way. The sky went dead of night black and pretty soon thunder and lightning arrived bringing with it hail and plenty-o-rain. Honestly I've never seen it come down so heavily, so quickly. Literally couldn't see out the windows. Absolutely brilliant.
Fifteen minutes later the first barrage was over and an entire months average rainfall with it. Outside to survey any damage I find my street literally under a foot of water. Thankfully my car was tucked hard up in a corner undercover and survived unscathed but the house had a few leaky roof issues which are apparently worse than I realised - all you can smell at the moment is a nasty, stale perhaps mouldy stench which makes me think something in the ceiling space is wet and rotting. The back patio and garden copped a workout too but that shit I can live with.
She fired up again shortly afterwards but not quite as severe. Spare a thought for all the poor bastards out in peak hour on their way home, stuck on freeways and roads getting absolutely pummelled by hail stones. Entire car yards were wiped out. There are apparently up to 25,000 damaged or destroyed vehicles across the state. It's happy days for panel beaters who're saying it will take two years to get everything fixed not to mention anyone lucky enough to be involved in glass installation or manufacture. The same applies for houses and buildings. Estimates so far put the property damage bill at over $100M and climbing. If nothing else it's a good way to stimulate the economy...
The days following have been interesting. Everyone you talk to has a storm story. Some tale of how them or someone they know suffered at the hands of the elements. Funny thing is you see storms and floods on the news happening somewhere everyday but you can't truly appreciate it until you experience one yourself. If you're interested there are pics and videos just about everywhere.
Movin' on up, out and across... prepare now to be engrossed with lacklustre goings-on of my weekend. Beginning with Saturday...
Much to no one's surprise, we hit the beach first thing in the morn. This being the last opportunity to do so for at least a few weeks and with the cooler weather closing in, possibly until December/summer. From there it was home to do various stuff around the joint including giving the car a quick wash which ultimately stretched in to a four hour saga of rigorous detailing. My next trick was a flat battery. You'd think I'd have learnt by now - at least the third time this year [on top of at least half a dozen last year] that I've left the ignition on a little bit too long. A trick made even more frustrating having to just about argue with the roadside assist people who vigorously try to hard sell me a new battery that I don't need. "Oh flat battery again, sir?" $Cha-ching!
Cluster fuck Sunday was a cluster fuck. Yeah I've had worse but it was definitely missing elements that are generally considered important. Things like a cruise, or Baskin Robins Peanut Butter Chocolate, or a quiet beer AND eye candy. Instead it was a vulgarly early start to fix a friends computer which it turned out couldn't be done. Then to the hardware store. Then off to another friends place to finish the carpentry job from last week. Then home. Then back to finish fixing the computer. Then home. Then back to finish the carpentry. Day over. Weekend over. Booo.
Okay that should be enough of my truly inspirational writing to tide you guys over until next week so let's all get excited for the rest of the update. If this is your first time here prepare yourself for some fucking killer Orsm-style entertainment. If it's your second time here then whoop-dee- fucking -doo because you're still almost ten years behind! Check it...
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
The Game - Hand Bra Hotties - Amazing Pooch - Nipple Slip - Mila Kunis - Cosplay Fails - Homer - Asian Goddess
Break Gurls - My Virginity - Babes Galore - Tourettes Punch - Sexy DJ - Molly Got Old - Pizza Challenge - What's A Ho
I'd Poker - Michelle Rodriguez - Give Me More - Drunk Grub - Bombshell - Tay Is Back - Dolph Rocks - Proposal Fail
I was going through a couple of magazines the other day in the local Muslim shop... I was really enjoying myself until the fucking gun jammed!
--
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy did I give her a mouthful.
--
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets, Finally, after many glances from her he said "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
--
Cyril was driving down High Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back." Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."
ORSM
VIDEO
RANDOM USELESS TRIVIA
The eight most popular foods to cause food allergies are: milk, eggs, wheat, peanuts, soy, tree nuts, fish, and shellfish.
The early occurrence of a foetus yawning is at eleven weeks after conception.
The average ear grows 0.01 inches in length every year.
The gastric flu can cause projectile vomiting.
The Dutch are known to be the tallest people in Europe.
Studies have shown that the scent of rosemary can help in better mental performance and make individuals feel more alert.
Some brands of toothpaste contain glycerine or glycerol, which is also an ingredient in antifreeze.
Soaking beans for twelve hours in water before they are cooked can reduce flatulence they cause.
Scientists say that babies that are breastfed are more likely to be slimmer as adults than those that are not breastfed.
Scientists have determined that having guilty feelings may actually damage your immune system.
Research has indicated that approximately eleven minutes are cut off the life of an average male smoker from each cigarette smoked.
People have the tendency to chew the food on the side that they most often use their hand.
Over 600,000 people died as a result of the Spanish influenza epidemic.
Only one out of every three people wash their hands when leaving a public bathroom.
One ragweed plant can release as many as a million grains of pollen in one day.
One out of 20 people have an extra rib.
On average, men spend 60 hours a year shaving.
On average, falling asleep while driving results in 550 accidents per day in the United States.
On average, a person has two million sweat glands.
On average, Americans spend 33% of their life sleeping.
On average a person passes gas 14 times a day.
On average 1,668 gallons of water are used by each person in the United States daily.
Nerve impulses for muscle position travel at a speed of up to 390 feet per second.
Nerve cells can travel as fast as 120 meters per second.
Men in their early twenties shave an average of four times a week.
Medical research has found substances in mistletoe that can slow down tumour growth.
Medical reports show that about 18% of the population are prone to sleepwalking.
Manicuring the nails has been done by people for more than 4,000 years.
Left-handed people are better at sports that require good spatial judgment and fast reaction, compared to right-handed individuals.
When doctors in Los Angeles went on strike in 1976, the daily number of deaths in the city dropped 18%.
In the United States, 8.5 million cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures were done in the year 2001.
People with darker skin will not wrinkle as fast as people with lighter skin.
People with allergies can lower allergy reactions by laughing.
People who meet their calcium need reduce their risk of developing kidney stones.
People that smoke have 10 times as many wrinkles as a person that does not smoke.
People still cut the cheese shortly after death.
People over the age of fifty will start to lose their dislike for foods that taste bitter.
People of Ancient China believed that swinging your arms could cure a headache.
The average weight of a newborn baby is 7 lbs. 6 oz. For a triplet baby it is 3 lbs. 12 oz.
The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.
The average person falls asleep in about 12 to 14 minutes.
There are approximately one hundred million people in the United States that have a chronic illness.
There are approximately 60 muscles in the face.
There are 50% more males that are left handed compared to females.
There are 400 species of bacteria in the human colon.
There are 10 million bacteria at the place where you rest your hands at a desk.
In a lifetime, an average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva.
In a lifetime, an average driver will release approximately 912 pints of wind inside a car.
In Canada, men are three times more likely than women to have seen a doctor in the last year.
Humans breathe in and out approximately one litre of air in ten seconds.
Girls have more tastebud than boys.
From the age of thirty, humans gradually begin to shrink in size.
Flu shots only work about 70% of the time.
Gases that build up in your large intestine cause flatulence. It usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes for these gases to pass through your system.
Fat is important for the development of children and normal growth.
Every day, the average person swallows about a quart of snot.
Eighty percent of 10 year old girls in the USA go on a diet.
Air is passed through the nose at a speed of 100 miles per hour when a person sneezes.
About twenty-five percent of the population sneeze when they are exposed to light.
A yawn usually lasts for approximately six seconds.
Children who are breast fed tend to have an IQ seven points higher than children who are not.
Children grow faster in the springtime than any other season during the year.
Eating chocolate three times a month helps people live longer as opposed to people who overeat chocolate or do not eat chocolate at all.
Constipation is caused when too much water is absorbed in the large intestine and poops become dry.
An ear trumpet was used before the hearing aid was invented by people who had difficulty hearing.
The average human dream lasts only 2 to 3 seconds. The average person has seven dreams a night.
Bile produced by the liver is responsible for making your faeces a brownish, green colour.
It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.
98% of people want to be more like Orsm. The other 2% just dont know it.
By the time you are 70 you will have easily drunk over 12,000 gallons of water.
A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for sixty-nine years.
The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.
The average person laughs about 15 times a day.
The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.
About 10% of the world's population is left-handed.
| THE UNFKNBLVBL HANNAH |
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The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled 'what perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured 'what a smooth finish'".
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open!?"
ORSM
VIDEO
| GF REVENGE |
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A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?" About 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!" Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'goats'!"
| CUM ALL OVER YOUR... |
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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a mail order bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November." Now the banker, being the wise man that he was could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
| A TRAINING WE WILL GO |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
Do you ever have those weeks where it feels like no one has sent you a single email but when you sit down Wednesday to sort through it all and work out what to include in the update it turns out there was shitloads? Happens all the time I swear...
ANYWAY if you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.
Duane wrote:
Subject: toyota prius easy fix
hey, dont know if you know about the toyota issues here in north america, and the fool that couldn't stop his prius on the highway. had a police cruiser help him slow down. and tried to file law suits against toyota. this is a link to a youtube video, that i think you may find pretty entertaining...
You can't hold not being intelligent against Prius drivers. Afterall they did buy a Prius... -Orsm |
Battered Sav wrote:
Subject: Eye maggots
G'day ORSM, saw this and thought of you. :) Poor old woman, they don't seem to be holding back when they're digging them out, doesn't look like they're wearing gloves either?
I can't handle seeing that stuff. You could say an eye full was more than enough. -Orsm |
Joe wrote:
Subject: Creepy AND Erotic.
Here's a music Vid that was forwarded to me. I was mesmerized through the whole thing (and creeped out from some of it lol.)
Mesmerising doesn't come close to summing that up. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: A Random Pic
Dear orsm, I found this pic on a facebook group and thought of your site immediately! One for the random pics? You can check out many more like it in the "I don't get drunk I get AWESOME" facebook group. If you do use it somewhere, please don't post any of my info. Take care and keep up the great work!
That guy is my new God. -Orsm
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Mark wrote:
Subject: IMG
Think the company name is fine but the web address is a bit suspect?
That took me a minute. Brilliant. -Orsm
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steven wrote:
Subject: Fev
Lara had photo's too... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Body Armour
Hi Orsm, I took this picture in Cotonou Benin Republic, this type of cheap body armour will save US soldiers life in Afghanistan and Iraq. Hide my details please. |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Woolworths the fresh food people, we are not happy with just one Monopoly ..
Hi Orsm, Can of coke in their supermarket on special. 50c. Can of coke at their service station 100 m away $2.50. Profit margin from retail price 500 % |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mercedes-Benz Plate
Hi Mr Orsm, Pic of a licence plate I snapped the other day on a Merc that was parked at a private hospital here on the Gold Coast. Love the site yada yada yada.... No details please. Cheers.
Have nevr seen the show so not sure if this is cool or gay? -Orsm
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Megan wrote:
Subject: Wanted: NEED RENTAL ASAP PLEASE CONTACT (has rental history)
If the page doesn't exist anymore, screen shot attached. "im currently not working but please dont let that put you off i get $990 a fortnight from centerlink that is a definate income every fortnight so nothin will change" -- I'd let her rent my place for sure!
If only this was a joke... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: been sitting on this for far too long
I should have known to share this one as soon as i got it. Fuck it all, i was gullible i guess. Keep up the work, and hide my info. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Mailbox
Coolest Mailbox in Oklahoma
But does it work? -Orsm |
Sam Gay wrote:
Subject: Perth storm
apparently these photos are of the UWA library, and there are a few from the Perth train station, and a few from the Graham Farmer Fwy! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: THAI TRIP
Some pics for your site! no details please
Sweet Thai. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Flood Pics, St.George QLD, March 2010
Hey Orsm, here are some flood pictures of my home town St.George in Queensland. Also, try [here]. Love the site...no details please. Cheers. |
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KingRay wrote:
Subject: Photos for your site
A local (Wichita Kansas) tow company's parade entry. Disney?? lol.. [and] Check out these trophies from a local car show this last summer. Pretty sweet to say the least. Take it easy. sweet site. Make sure if you use the photos of the trophies that you put (Wichita Kansas) on it. Thanks |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wife pics
here are some pics of my gorgeous wife. she took these recently and sent them to me at work as a surprise. she pulled over on the side of the road, took off her knickers, and snapped away with the camera phone. made my night at work, and made my dick hard till we caught up, and fucked ourselves senseless later that night. hope you like. please keep all details private. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Nice kitty Lynx pics, very special, rare
This is a Lynx at the Oliver Landfill site. Look at the size of those "snowshoe" paws. What a lovely sight. Hope someone does not decide to shoot it. We have been encroaching on their land to such an extent that it is not surprising to see them foraging so close to town. |
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Lucas wrote:
Subject: Eating out
How to eat an elephant
No seriously - WTF!? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: St. Patty's day chick.
So chicky left her phone on the table today (St. Patty's Day). No idea who she is but I'm glad she likes to share.
10/10. Enough said. -Orsm
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: eBay advert - Nissan Micra - funny
How to write an eBay advert. Item has ended, but page down to the text on the advert. Or just read most of it that's pasted below here. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: present for orsm
G day Orsm, long time viewer here and fan of your web page, the best thing on the net. I look forward to Fridays very much when you update. Hope you post this, its a short vid of me busting a wade onto my Gf's tits, Enjoy. Hold details |
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| GF REVENGE |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make £39,000 a year and you get $2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running!"
| GINA AND MONIKA LEZ OUT |
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RANDOM SHITE
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
| CELEBRITY PHONE BOOK CARVINGS |
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long... easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William... the little bastard's name is MELVIN."
ORSM
VIDEO
Well I'm out of here. I'll catch you fuckers on the flip side but before that can happen there is this...
- Check out the site archives. Free porn and stuff I kid you not.
- Next update will be next Thursday. That's what they tell me anyway.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET. Ray didn't and look what happened to him...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep left or I WILL tailgate you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.03.18-22.44 |
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I SAID... welcome to Orsm.net.
Feeling kind of unsettled this week. Anxiety levels are sky high and I have to refrain myself from wanting to argue with anyone that gets within 1000 feet. If I weren't so staunchly hetero I may describe this as an emotional rollercoaster. There isn't really even a good reason for it... I'm just not my usual awesome self.
A break from reality would probably do me a world of good and with two separate weekends away in the not too distant future this is a possibility. A slim one anyway. How you're supposed to enjoy a holiday if you have to spend it with people kind of defeats the purpose of taking the holiday in the first place - someone always wants to do something you don't... or go somewhere you don't... or bathroom break when you don't... or eat where you don't... and so on.
I'm choosing to forgo my well thought out opinions about any range of important social issues facing the world community this week. Instead sit back and read about the goings-on of my life. If you try hard enough it'll be like we really know each other!
The weekend was a shit pig of servile debauchery. For starters the phone rang just about constantly... or at least felt that way. Most calls started with 'Can I just ask you a quick question?' and have since had the knock of effect of making me cringe every time the damn thing makes a peep. Fuck you Apple. Fuck you and your stupid, addictive iPhone which provides my loved ones an avenue by which to harass me but I can't destroy due to the convenience and entertainment it provides.
We began Saturday by following the same old script and hit the beach bright and early. Good and bad because whilst there's less people at that time there is also not a single bikini wearing hottie to feast your eyes upon. It's almost like what's the point...? Think eating a pizza without the topping. Same thing.
With a deadline looming on the DIY project at my friends place it was time to get busy and that's how the humid and sweaty afternoon started. Hardware store first to get a length of oak then another friend's place to machine it. That inevitably lead to a couple of 'hey while you're here...' invitations to engage in manual labour. Let this be a lesson to all the kids reading. Matter of fact here are a couple: never let anyone find out you are good at general handyman tasks, never let anyone find out you are good with computers, never own a trailer or ute, always tell people your back is sore. Those pearls of wisdom will pave the way for a long and unencumbered life.
Sunday was time to head to the aforementioned friends place and finish the job. Basically the whole thing was to make a cover for a big gap where a floorboard used to be where there is a new external door. Simple enough but that's where they get you. Something which should only take an hour or two turns in to a gargantuan production. So I get started and sure enough the first major interruption comes with another trip to the hardware store required. Off we go, get everything and return an hour later. Going good by this stage... timber is fitted and just needs sanding. Out comes the belt sander and bang! the fucking belt snaps. Do we got a spare? Nope... of course not.
Decided it would just be easier to pack up all my shit and head off. I'll grab a new belt on the way. Home an hour later, get the thing sanded and it's time to varnish. Hang on... where's that tin? Pick up the phone... "Hey did I leave that tin of varnish at your place...?" "Umm... yep it's here". I gave up at that point. Something that should have been a cakewalk claimed the best part of a weekend and what's more annoying I'll be back there this Saturday finishing it.
Okay let's drop a bomb on this update and get it happening. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
Virtual Village - Give Me Tits - Brilliant - Karla Spice - Paris Topless - Epic Boobs - Crazy Bitch - Fucked Hard
Strip Dodgeball - Palin Fan-tards - Watery Surprise - News Fails - Babe Gallery - Funny Mashup - Technical Difficulties
Coolest Toy Ever - Inglorious Humour - Kim Kardashian - Please Shave - Red Bull Art - 'Telephone' Parodies
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a DIY Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see', you hit her with the shovel."
--
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
--
A young man picks up a streetwalker and goes to her hotel. After negotiating the price for her time he decides that he wants to begin his experience by going down on her. After a few moments he comes up and spits out a piece of potato. He shrugs and dives back in as he is too horny to care. Again he pops up and this time spits out a chunk of roast beef and a bit of carrot. This too much for him. "WTF!" he cried, "Are you sick?" "No, I'm not sick." she replied, "But my last customer was!"
--
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed. "How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked. "I had to help him!" the girl replied.
ORSM
VIDEO
DEAR DIARY
DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!
DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.
DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!
| SHYLA STYLEZ |
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|
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought".
ORSM
VIDEO
| GIRLFRIEND REVENGE |
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THE ZEN OF SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
| BIG BEAUTIFUL BOOBS |
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
| THE DARVAZA WELL |
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READER MAIL
There's been an influx of kick-ass mail filling my inbox this week. You'll see what I mean in just a moment but first if you could all see it in your hearts to submit something that would be faaaantastic. I'm not greedy - but just fucking make sure you get busy with the Ex girlfriend pics, crazy video clips, hilllllllarious jokes and any other random fodder you have lying around... or I'll start cracking skulls. Email me here.
M S wrote:
Subject: Hey Orsm
I've been a fan of the site for a while now, but I gotta ask, what's with the sudden influx of anti-Obama redneck douchebaggery that's popped up on it lately? It's a total buzzkill to be browsing the pics and porn and have to skip past some sub-moron's attempt at political humor. Please don't tell me that there are people in Australia naive enough to actually believe those tea baggers are about anything other than throwing tantrums and hating negroes...
Seems that no matter who is in power there is always propaganda circulating. Same deal for Bush except there was considerably more. If it's consolation to anybody, what gets posted is only a fraction of what is received. And before anyone accuses me of being a blind Obama follower, this is to avoid provoking what we've seen a million times - a big, boring red versus blue debate played out in Reader Mail spanning several weeks which degenerates into a long, tedious who gives a crap. -Orsm
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beermaniac wrote:
Subject: obama
I hear obama is heading down under. please keep him.
... -Orsm
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Aussie paddle pool
I can't even ford a pool?
Cost effective and practical. That is all I take from this picture. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Rye, Victoria - holiday home
Hi Orsm, Took these photos a couple of years ago in Rye, Victoria. Withhold info please.
Wonder if they're Greek... -Orsm
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Believe it or not!!!!????
Only in America.
Oddly, if he keeps atempting suicide he can probably live for many years to come. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: for inclusion maybe?
Hey Mr Orsm. found this on my travels in cyberspace and thought you might like to include it. not details for publication please. rgds + tnx
Can't think of one but there's definitely a joke here somewhere about the relatively small size of the box compared to the quantity... -Orsm
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John wrote:
Subject: Gambling Problem
I can't tell if there trying to help or increase sales?!?
Not dissimilar to the warning on a cigarette pack really. -Orsm
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terry wrote:
Subject: It's Just A catfish
It is a 3 meter (9.8ft) long man-eating catfish whose head alone is 1 meter (3.3ft) wide! After cutting up the catfish, people were surprised to find the remains of another man inside! Swimming in the reservoir is now forbidden because it is feared another similar man-eating catfish is still lurking in the waters.
I'm going with whale shark on this one. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nude pics
Took some pics and I thought you might like them. Hide my details please.
Presentation and quality are excellent. Congratulations on your excellent vagina. -Orsm
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Marlin bill stuck in Crude oil Loading Hose off coast of Angola
These are pictures of the floating load hose on the FPSO Girassol in Angola, Africa that was pierced by a blue marlin. Load operations were shut down for a few days while they replaced the hose. For reference, this terminal produces about 250k barrels of oil a day and this loading hose is approx 24in in diameter. |
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bill wrote:
Subject: How To Park a FPV Pursuit Ute at Stillwell Ford
Ever wondered how to park a FPV Pursuit Ute?? The Apprentice mechanic at Stillwell Ford's Main North Road, Adelaide will show you how it's done in the sale yard........... Wonder if he still has a job???????
Ford drivers. Enough said. -Orsm
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Storm
Photos of Melbourne's storm
Scroll down for a video. -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Why we carry guns in Alaska
An excellent choice on his handgun : Ruger .454 Casull
Poor bear. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Real breasts
Thought you might like some pics of real breasts. Please hide my info!
High marks have been awarded for symmetry and size. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: blind
Your next deer blind.
For the hunter who has everything... -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Isn't nature awesome!
Isn't nature awesome! I'd feel remiss if these photos weren't forwarded to all that could appreciate the essence of nature and love that flow from them. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Great site man! Check out these pics... some girl I used to fuck! Hide my details please. |
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lucas wrote:
Subject: Roadtrain Rollover
HOW TO WASH A ROADTRAIN
I'm no expert but there was probably easier way to do it. -Orsm |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Union of prayers and great hope
Chile earthquake aftermath |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: flying 101
Orsm you sexy thang.. long time reader and emailer. dont know the full story with theses but it explains itself. im sure you know how to google. NO deets plz. |
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| GF REVENGE |
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|
ORSM
VIDEO
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Your last name stays put. Blame the civilization of a thousand years ago. The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves. Since when has a woman ASKED for a man's opinion on the wedding?? You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. When was the last time you tried on a pair of men's shoes? One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. A 5-day vacation requires two suitcases for a mature man. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Chocolate is just another snack.
| VENDULA |
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|
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is superb. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips".
He continued "This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull shittin' me!" The worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it!"
| SEX EXPLAINED WITH PENS |
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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, "E-G-G". "Very good", says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. "T-O-A-S-T". "Excellent."
Little Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had Bugger all", he says, "B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L". The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Little Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast".
ORSM
VIDEO
Done and done. Some substantial hours in this update. If it fails to satisfy then please let me know so I can try harder next week but until then, this...
- Check out the site archives. You will fucking shit yourself when you see them.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Already looking so good that you will fucking shit if you miss it
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll post photos of you fucking shitting yourself in Reader Mail.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please don't ever lend your car to Colin Bradley Little. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.03.11-22.33 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. And THAT'S why God gave us pencils with erasers...
Things have been eerily normal this week. For this I'm grateful and it reminds me that the cooler months approaching will put the kibosh on things social. It is all the calm before the storm however. Next couple of weekends are quiet but the one after is a trip down south for a wedding, the Easter weekend which is already a fully booked mess of family stuff and two bucks parties and then back down south for five days again for another wedding with a trip back home in the middle for you guessed it - another wedding. My brain, wallet and liver are sore just thinking about it.
At this point I'm going to skip the lively social commentary and slip straight into my week. The reason for this is I have somewhere else to be and even though it's well known you guys pretty much only come here to read what I think about stuff, I'm needed elsewhere.
Saturday I woke up with a spring in my step, happy that there wasn't really anything on. First port of call was dog beach which is clearly the best way to start any day. It's also better down there now which I assume is due to people feeling like summer is almost over and less inclined to clog the place up with their stupid dogs. My dog of course - not stupid.
Got home a few hours later ready to embark on a small DIY carpentry project at a mates place [which I've been putting off for a few months..] but with even the slightest hint of a better offer that silly idea was quickly quashed. Instead I got a guided tour of a friend's new workplace. Admittedly doesn't sound all that exciting but if you could actually see the place you'd be impressed too - big, brand new everything, high tech, modern and totally fucking cool. Kind of like a local version of Google offices but at the same time nowhere near as good. If this website thing falls through I'm heading down there to beg for a job.
The rest of the afternoon was whittled down fixing [read: swearing at] my computers. Both PC's and laptop required hardware repairs which are no big deal but if you've ever had to reinstall Windows on to a Vaio notebook you'll understand where I'm coming from. As much as I love the damn thing it is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Updates after updates after updates to get it set up. The geniuses down at Sony may want to consider some sort of function that automagically installs the fifty-plus drivers to save people from doing each one individually... and if someone emails me and says there's a way to do that you'd better duck because I'll launch the thing at your face.
That evening was my first one in for five weeks. Shot down all invitations of going to various things with various friends and parked it on the couch to enjoy the time to myself while the rest of the city it seemed were rocking the AC/DC concert. Kind of wish I'd gone after stepping outside too - I live about 9kms from where the concert was held and could hear it clearly... well enough that I could sing along to 'Shook Me All Night Long'. Incredible. Probably sucked for all the oldies who live around there though.
The morning of Sunday began with more [non-optional] dog related activities. Not entirely sure what caused it but at some point during the night there was a poo emergency and a very large, very wet shit was dumped on the only bit of carpet in the entire house. Nasty although as hideous as the carpet is I probably could have left it and all you would have noticed is the smell.
Proceeded to lovingly rub down and laud attention on my car for the next few hours followed by some also non-optional gardening. So gay. I need to figure out a way to illegally import cheap labour enabling me to flout worker entitlements laws. Any ideas? Let me know.
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Brain Twister - Evil Bitch - JackAss On Ice - Child Preachers - Liz's Nips - Tasty Breeanna - Break Babes - Killer Bods
I Want That Ass - He's Got Wood - Chicken Suit Prank - Dumb Croc - Karma Strikes - Sinking Ship - Mega Boobs
Sophie Howard - Seduction - Creepy Is Right - Weekend At Burton's - Yum Mariah - Best Thing Ever! - 2 Girls 1 Cop
Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. "Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!" his mate says. "I get lots of practice" replied the other guy, "My wife's an epileptic"...
--
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
--
Roy, the poofta, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roy, I'm not going to beat around the bush you have AIDS." Roy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Doc says "Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, a box of All Bran, and top it off with a litre of prune juice". Roy asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for!"
--
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
ORSM
VIDEO
LETTERS TO THE ED
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Why don't hospitals start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
I recently bought a fridge freezer from Curry's, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Curry's?
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is... who's sending the other one?
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Supermarkets... help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.
Every time I use my local cash point, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
| LEXI BELLE |
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
| BUT I WAS BUSTING... |
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BBQ RULES
It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
ROUTINE:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
4. The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:
5. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
MORE ROUTINE:
6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
IMPORTANT AGAIN:
8. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
MORE ROUTINE:
9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:
11. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
| WEIRD HOUSES |
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READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter cocksmoker. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. All you gotta do is click here.
Warman wrote:
Subject: The car....
The old car you are lusting for (March 04, 2010 update) looks like a 1956 Chrysler 300. [This] is another shot of the same car.
No less than 463 million emails from you guys about this - thanks. The car is 1956 Chrysler 300B. More info on the build here, here and here. Now if I can just find one in the US, import to AU and convert to RHD I'll be on my way to happiness. -Orsm
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Obama Signs
The Obama signs with the changing messages are somewhere in
Colorado. I haven't found where (yet), but sadly, we have a Rep. Salazar
and Sen. Udall (who is a major douchebag, by the way).
Anyone? Email me. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: chat roulette picture
that pic is from stile project when stile hung himself. its been floating around for years. its fake. without info please. |
Shane wrote:
Subject: Bingle
Bingle in the shower
Who didn't see this coming? -Orsm
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Toby B wrote:
Subject: News.com ad
Hey buddy... saw this ad on News.com today and thought shit i better grab a screen shot of this for Orsm.... LOL what a great placement !! Keep up the good work Toby B |
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T-Pol wrote:
Subject: Cure for migraine (Oppas...dis Vrydag)
Although NOT approved by the A.M.A. or Medicare, everyone who has tried this remedy had only good reaction to the results! If you suffer from Migraines- try this I had a bastard
of a headache I tried this and in 2 minutes it was totally forgotten! You can also hear the ocean. |
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Mario N wrote:
Subject: Pics
hi. interesting pics for beer lovers who have no time to bring empty bottles back :) greetings from germany |
Mark wrote:
Subject: Strange bus ad.
Hi, This ad is doing the rounds on Sydney buses at the moment. I'm not sure if it's a parody or not. It's not even Engrish. Either way, it's odd. "Love needs distance"?? |
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mike wrote:
Subject: a quick buff up and alls well
It used to be a Statesman once upon a time , dont know what it hit but it did a job on it
Would have looked something like this. -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Oh my God, we're going to get another 2 feet of snow!
This is what 2 feet of snow looks like.....unreal!!!!
Now we know. -Orsm
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Obi wrote:
Subject: DVD Cover in Vietnam
Hey Orsm.. How are you going? Another something I found in my travels in Vietnam? Have a look at the cover for this DVD I found... especially the top line.. Sort of gets right to the point... Keep up the good work.. |
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Labia - Open Daily
Spotted on a recent trip to Cape Town. Keep up the good work.
Have been trying to work this out... all I can come up with is some relationship between stage curtains and meat curtains... -Orsm
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Keith wrote:
Subject: Do you have a pair?
Saw these the other day on another web site as part of some fashion show. The obvious question is do they come in different sizes and colours?
Good question... I would DEFINITELY need a longer one because my penis is so huge. -Orsm |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: for emergency
Hey orsm, I just discovered this site and it's pretty damn entertaining. Thought I'd contribute a picture at an old apartment complex I used to live at. |
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Roberto wrote:
Subject: South African RunFlat tyres (Seen at SAA Parking lot)
Got these from a mate in SA. Gotta love the new eco friendly design, definitely green construction. Loving the site, keep up the good work :-)
Managed to get the car home at least. Points are awarded. -Orsm
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marc wrote:
Subject: tiger snake i stepped on
Hi ORSM! Love your site!!! Keep up the great work!!! Been viewing your site now for years!!!! Here is one of the most brightly colourd tiger snakes ever seen!!! I was fishing a area in perth with my girlfreind and while walking through the grass I felt this guy shoot out from under my thong!!! Very lucky not to get bitten. (must of known im from Lockridge and not to mess with a locko local haha) Seen the snake shoot into the water, I ran and grabbed my dslr with 70-300 zoom and snapped these shots. |
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Mr G & Mrs G wrote:
Subject: Booty
Hey Mr. Orsm, Long time, wait.. make it loooooooong time reader...first time contributor. I think i have been hooked onto ur website since last 5-6 years easily...the site provides all that a guy wants i.e. porn, corny jokes, random facts and random shite !! [I am] sending a couple of pix of me and my hot wife having fun. Post them if you like them....i have got more. Cheers and keep rocking !! |
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Larry wrote:
Subject: 1950 Chevy w/ 437 actual miles scroll down to see engine and insides
You might well have seen this before, but, if so, we all know what the delete button is for. Definitely not classic American muscle car, but unique. I've gathered from the blog , you're a "gearhead" for certain. I'm a very long time pro automotive tech, and my current toy project is a 64 1/2' Austin Healey Sprite MK III. 35K original miles and was stored for over 20 years. 8 months of busted knuckles to get it moving under its own steam again, but I got to drive it for the first time a week ago. A little piece of classic Brit iron. |
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Brendan wrote:
Subject: RS Cool Grafitti Pics
Hey man, Some graffiti pics I snapped while out and about. I didn't take Leprechaun one though, that's from Dublin, Ireland where the economy is severely in the toilet. Happy St. Patrick's Day week after next - 17th March. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Special Friend
A lady in Harrisburg has a cat who has a special friend that visits every morning. She finally took pics. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: What a toy
Me wants one of these... :-) I wonder if you could make it road legal. Of course you could, doesn't give a price though.
If you have to ask you probably can't afford it. -Orsm
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Lucas wrote:
Subject: The NEW IMPROVED RSA
We were living in Berea whilst I was studying at WITS and Hillbrow was our playground, what a shame. I cannot believe that the so-called poor can do this to a lovely part of the city that they received for free. This is the NEW South Africa.... Do not go here if you want to live a day longer... This used to be a super clean affluent area that was a pleasure to go to.... Now it is a hell hole which the NEW inhabitants have created to suit their lifestyles past and present.... They could do this to any city in 12 months... Do believe that DEMOCRACY is real in South Africa... It is only on paper. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex GF Pics.
Ex girlfriend pictures, enjoy. Please don't display my details! Thanks.
All I see is vagina. Not necessarily a bad thing. -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her... then he married the one with the biggest tits.
ORSM
VIDEO
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on...
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her Husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON"T YOU EVER STOP?!"
| ZO ZEXY ZUZANA |
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|
RANDOM SHITE
Don't bother checking today's RS - it is really bad... is what I would write if that was the case but OBVIOUSLY I would be talking out of my ass and probably several other peoples asses too. The truth is today's RS is SO GOOD that if you hear voices coming from anyone's ass you should tell them to see a doctor. Check it...
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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want". The Lord said, "That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
And the Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
| DOLLAR BILL ORIGAMI |
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There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: shot, hanged or injected with AIDS virus for a slow death.
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." BANG! He was dead instantly.
The Italian said, "Just hang me." SNAP! And he was gone.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots!". So the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid. I've got a condom on!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And with that I'm done, done aaaaaand done. Just make sure you read this last bit...
- Check out the site archives. Otherwise years of carefully archiving every update was just a waste of my time.
- Next update will be next Thursday... or will it?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bring my ex-friend Ray back. Just jokes. He is dead to me.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Corey. We will all miss you even though everyone thought you died years ago. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.03.04-22.55 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Update may include themes of redemption.
Ever feel like life is just repeating itself? Mine is. To the point it may have just been easier if I'd copy and pasted last week's blog and finished up a few hours early. But we can't and shan't have that now can we...
I've turned tired into exhausted, almost overwhelmed by that numbness a good night's sleep doesn't fix and frustratingly haven't been able to do much about it. This coming weekend will hopefully provide some reprieve though. No major events clogging my calendar so by the time we next meet again I'll hopefully be... chirpier.
I can at least take solace in the fact no matter how shitty I think my week is going there is always someone doing it worse. Like the tale of a local heroin user which has more twists and turns than something which has lots of twists and turns... a pretzel perhaps. It goes something like this: girl spends life taking drugs until her liver fails, she cleans herself up, is put on the transplant list and eventually receives a new one. Later the drug habit reignites, eventually the new liver is screwed and a new one is again required.
People are pretty fucking callous about this whole thing but plenty of valid arguments have been made either way. Firstly, what about people already waiting for new livers - it's not fair that she gets to go before any of them. Secondly, without it she dies... but she should have thought of that. Thirdly, she has kids... sad but she should have thought of that too. Basically she's already had her second chance so anything that happens is all on her.
So the girls family writes to the state government asking for help because their options are nil. Cornered, the government offers up a $250k interest-free loan so she can get treatment overseas which is gladly accepted. The right thing to do right? No doubt they saw this coming but a big loan to a sick girl opens the floodgates to every other sick person running low on options. Aaaand snookered. Fascinating how this is playing out and whilst I'm in the minority it's of the few times I'd take pity on a junkie because ultimately what this all amounts to is letting a mum die for something which is treatable. Like any addiction whether it be drugs, cigarettes, shopping, whatever - controls you and not everyone is strong enough to resist. Anyone too morally superior to identify with that is full of shit.
Moving on... Saturday was time for yet another wedding [my third consecutive and now fifth for the year] - overlooking the river, extremely hot weather, bride a little bit past fashionably late and topped off with a superbly short and sweet ceremony. Reception was at a swanky restaurant where the beer and laughs did flow... at least until midnight at which point a muster was performed and a bunch of us made a beeline for the city to carry on festivities. No idea what time I made it home but clearly remember how good it felt to kick my shoes off and collapse into bed.
Had to get up and atom far earlier than I wanted Sunday - foolishly arranged a BBQ that afternoon at my place so had to do groceries, make a salad and cook some stuff all with the previous day's activities looming over my body. Everyone rocked up around 4ish - dozen or so adults and what felt like 47,000 hyperactive rug rats. Again another frickin' hot day so by the time they bailed and got the house cleaned up I was well and truly thrashed.
Not entirely sure what the public holiday Monday was for but thankfully managed a mini sleep-in before getting up to work and go for a cruise in the afternoon. The best part is my phone didn't ring all day - a godsend considering how peopled out I am at the moment.
Okay enough crapping on about crap. Let's do this thing. Check it...
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Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $299 to $399, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
--
I took my Biology exam last Friday, but didn't do so well. I was asked to name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, 'black people' is not the correct answer.
--
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
--
Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya bastard, you're in that feckin' basket!"
ORSM
VIDEO
THEY WALK AMONG US
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign saying "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "Where?"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff..."
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where the past governor from up north happened to appear. She took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" she asked. Well, you might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?" The governor thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
| VERONICA AND SARA |
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|
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aint." said the man.
"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep" was the calm reply. "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
 |
|
LAWS WE ALL LIVE UNDER
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
LAW OF THE ALIBI - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
VARIATION LAW - If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF THE THEATER AND FOOTBALL STADIUM - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
THE COFFEE LAW - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
DOCTORS' LAW - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
| GET EM OUT GIRLS |
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On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed after he had spat the mouthful out. "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
| DIY GONE BAD |
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READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter cocksmoker. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. All you gotta do is click here.
Michael wrote:
Subject: Strange happenings on the beach
I found your collection of Beach Boobs to be amazing, however, one picture in
particular just seemed a little odd to me. This picture has some
nice boobs in it, but what is up with the old woman in the back ground (see
attached). Is it the same woman and someone just took the time to change
the color of her bag and hat?
Quite a few emails about this. CLEARLY a glitch in the matrix. -Orsm |
John wrote:
Subject: Fail!
Mate, you've probably been sent this a million times already but just in case...! This stupid fuck posted some links to pics online of his car - seems the thick twat forgot to make his pics private though! Pages 89 and 10 are of particular interest too!! |
Kevin wrote:
Subject: My Predicament
Hi, How you doing? I made a trip to London (United Kingdom) unannounced some days back, Unfortunately i got mugged at gun point last night! All cash, Credit card and phone were stolen, i got messed up in another country, stranded in London, fortunately passport was back in our hotel room. It was a bitter experience and i was hurt on my right hand, but would be fine. I am sending you this message cos i don't want anyone to panic, i want you to keep it that way for now! my return flight leaves in a few hours but I'm having troubles sorting out the hotel bills, wondering if you could loan me some money to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport about (1500 Pounds). I have been to the police and embassy here, but they aren't helping issues, I have limited means of getting out of here, i have canceled my cards already and made a police report, I won't get a new card number till I get back home! So I really need your help. Please i will like you to contact the hotel manager through this telephone number (+448715039033) for any further hotel bill arrangement, you could wire whatever you can spare to my name and hotel address via Western union: Kevin Myers. 272, Coriander Avenue, Docklands, E14 2AA, London United Kingdom. Get back to me with the details, would def refund it to you once we arrive! Hopefully tomorrow, below are the details needed for me to pick up the money. I await your prompt response.
Best scam email I've seen in ages. Money is on it's way dude... -Orsm |
brian wrote:
Subject: Sperm Sperm Sperm
Dear Mr Orsm, thought i would pass this along to some of your redaders looking to make a couple extra bucks
Remember in Fight Club they stole the human fat to make soap... what can you make with cold semen? -Orsm
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VE3WNO wrote:
Subject: Serious duck blind
Louisiana (of course). 3 stories- 1st level hides 4 boats underneath and has room for 2 hunters and 2 dog doors. 2nd level has a full kitchen with fridge, 2 stoves, electricity for lights, living room with 2 couches and satellite, TV, theater seats around the "porch of the blind" to shoot 14 guys comfortably side porch has a running toilet, stainless steel grill for cooking whole rib eyes for lunch. all the mojos and mallard machines are hard wired to car batteries. 3rd level is the "crows nest" with room for 3 It's about 25' up in the trees and most of the time you are cutting down on the ducks. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shite etc
Kinda Funny. A news article came up about a Killer Whale that attacked a killed a trainer at SeaWorld. Clicked on the story. Up popped an advert which is probably a bit misplaced. Property ain't much use to a Marine Biologist when their dead! (Love ya work. Hide my bits, etc). |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: chat roulette
If this shit is real than it is Fucked up. Screen shot from Chatroulette!
Real or not it's a pretty good way to mess with people. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny pic while home on leave
orsm, great site, visiting for years, blah blah blah. while home recently on leave back home to New Hampshire, saw this liscence plate and thought it might be worthy enough to grace the page of the greatest site on earth. please hide my info. ps. I wonder what she'd do if I cut her off |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: How is this for a Pot Hole
In Johannesburg Souf Effrika
Ooops. -Orsm
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Redneck Fire Alarm
You never have to change the batteries!!! I'm putting one in every room! Safety First!
Plus you would have someting to eat while you watch the house burn down. -Orsm |
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Ryan wrote:
Subject: a friend with a bad habit
here is a picture of a friend that cant keep his nose out of the white stuff.
Looks caustic...? -Orsm
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Mel wrote:
Subject: Taking a break...
Here's a mate of mine taking a "Comfort Break". see pic attached, Might be a good Random Shite or reader mail, up to you obviously!
When you gotta... -Orsm
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David wrote:
Subject: pit wall failure
Photo of large pit wall failure at a Rio mine, (lighting tower in the left hand corner on the pit floor provides a scale reference) |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Autorama
Detroit's Autorama 2009
Can somebody tell me what this one is? Thinking Chev Belair something and I want one... -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Baby Moose Moves In
Recently a neighbour went for a walk up Falls Creek (near Nelson BC), found a baby moose in some distress in the creek. He got him out of the creek, tried to send him on his way, tried to find the mother. Eventually the baby moose stumbled back into the creek, was rescued again, and followed
Jonathon home. |
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sgt. chicken little wrote:
Subject: pics from taji iraq
long time reader first time contributor. here are a few pics with my buddy getting this chick to show her tits on webcam yes we are wrong, sick, and fucked up but thats what happens when troops get bored. then they had a body building contest and ive got a few funny pics a funny video and then a few pics of the oh so hot army chicks they can kick my ass any day hope ya enjoy from taji iraq |
SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: MORE FROM SEYMORE
Having a baby on your own!!!
So wrong in so many ways. -Orsm |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Congratulations
Congratulations Hilary Duff on your Engagement!!
You have to love this if it is real!! GOLD!!!!!!!!!!! |
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cabbie wrote:
Subject: Some Ex GF pics for you
Here you go, she keeps sending me these after I dumped her and found someone new.
Thank god for failed relationships. -Orsm |
Bill wrte:
Subject: Good signs of change
Someone else has taken the task of making billboard signs like that fellow who owns Casa d'Ice restaurant. These are pretty good! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Watch Wre You Sitck You Stick
Hi ORSM, MILF lovr, watch out! Thank God you're not in Sudan because this is allegedly what they'd do to you. Adultery-stone the bugger! Hide my details.
GRAPHIC WARNING on this one. -Orsm
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greg wrote:
Subject: What Charter Boat?????
Charter Boat, What Charter Boat?
Dent repair guy will have that sorted in no time. -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
AN OPEN LETTER FROM TIGER
To my wife, I'm sorry. I fucked up but I'm not changing so you'll either need to put up with this shit or I'll stroke you the cheque you agreed to in the pre-nup... sorry.
To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care... sorry. I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a life time. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 220 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop puts that you couldn't read in a million years. If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.
To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya'll. I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.
To the other tour golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I've put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.
That's all I got today folks... see ya at Augusta, maybe! Oh and Bambi, if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.
| ABBEY BROOKS |
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SHIT RANDOME
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a cop sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
| THE ART OF CARRYING A LOAD |
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One day a planet was discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it sat motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs, but it never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived.
This puzzled the scientists, who tried everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth - in vain. It just sat, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth, and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"
It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thought for a second, boomed "IT COULDN'T", and squatted down again. "My God," exclaimed the xenobiologist, "of course! It only stands to reason!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that my friends is the update. Make sure you read this last bit otherwise I'll break your fingers should we ever meet...
- Check out the site archives. Go go go!
- Next update will be Stardate 63658.3.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET. Please.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and judge people as you see fit. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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