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| orsmupdate 2007.03.29-23.08 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Does my cock look big in this?
So I guess summer is over. Fuck knows what happened - one day it was stinking hot, the next its frickin' freezing. Kind of sad come to think of it... whilst I don't think we're completely done with the sun just yet I am definitely going to miss it. This was probably my favourite summer ever and that's actually saying something because for years I've dreaded the heat, the sweat and sleepless nights but the idea of bitter, biting cold from now until November gives me chills. Now where did I put that heater...?
Okay I've avoided the subject for as long as possible but I am completely and utterly over hearing about David Hicks. And on the off chance you don't know who he is - David Hicks is an Australian currently imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for being a retard. Long story short, he converted to Islam, trained with the bad guys, gave Osama a couple of killer blowjobs and five years ago was captured in Afghanistan whilst fighting with al-Qaeda.
Ever since then he's been a constant news story with all the 'bleeding hearts' upset that [until recently] his incarceration was without charge. Oh how sad... the poor little ex-junkie come trained terrorist bad-arse who was quoted as saying he wanted to come back to Australia to kill Jews and crash a plane into a building was locked away where he couldn't do any of that shit.
All that is finally starting to change for him though. Hicks' trial began a few days ago and he entered a guilty plea which means he'll get some sort of a deal but whether its freedom or more imprisonment, one way or another he gets to come back to Australia.
This is the bit that doesn't make any sense to me... if he has time to serve, it'll be in a cushy [by comparison] Aussie jail paid for by Aussie tax payers. Add to that the flight home will be in a specially chartered plane paid for by - you guessed it - Aussie tax payers. What a crock. I think I speak for everyone but his family when I say we don't want him back! If the guy hated Australia and Jews and buildings so much back then, imagine what effect five years of solitary confinement and torture have had. There's an easy fix here too - lets send the prick back to Afghanistan to serve out his time in their jails. Problem solved and everyone happy.
Okay enough of that... strap yourselves in whilst I entertain you with tales of my mundane week...
As many of you may recall last weeks update was a touch late due to a power failure here. Turned out that 'pole top fires' were to blame which [if you don't know] has something to do with dust and electricity and when it rains for the first time in a while. Major, major annoyance and even more so when they cut power again the next day for another six hours. Some good did come of it though - for the first time in over a year I tackled and got through the mountain of random papers and junk mail cluttering up my desk.
Saturday was about as unremarkable as they come. No plans and a solemn commitment to fly under the radar for a while found me walking around the house contemplating what not to do. That didn't last all that long before I decided it would be nice to have food in the house again so off I trundled to do groceries and all that other boring shit one must do to keep ticking along.
What did I do Sunday? The same thing I do just about every Sunday... hit dog beach. I figure it won't be much longer before its too cold to even bother so off we went for a few hours before heading back home to finally give the car a good clean. Took forever too - it was the first chance I'd had to wash my baby since getting back from down south and there was sand and dust and bugs and crap all over inside and out. With that finished we did the only thing worth doing on a Sunday afternoon - went for a cruise along the coast to check out chicks in bikinis. All up a much needed and very relaxing weekend.
Time to get on with the update I think. I felt bad nixing Reader Mail last week so I pulled out all the stops to make this update a good one. Anyway, on with it...
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--
Mrs. Evans pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the front room, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Melanie, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Evans, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?" "Why, no. Is she up to anything special?" Mrs. Evans leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She's started knitting tiny garments!" Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she's taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." Then she responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?". Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at her favourite department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit".
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
ORSM VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE THE PENIS GO *IN* TO THE FAGINA! -
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's
when I shot him, the little bastard.
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."
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READER MAIL
Geez... talk about your Reader Mail. With the little hiatus last update there was an absolute crap load to get through and it wasn't easy trying to whittle everything down to just a select few BUT it must be said there is some seriously cool shit to tickle and tantalise the senses this week. The sad thing is there's still a whole bunch of awesome stuff that you guys simply must see so I promise to pull my finger out and get them up somewhere before the Easter break...
Anyway if you would like to submit something and possibly have it featured on this very page for millions to see then its simple - just email me here!
Henry wrote:
Subject: regarding your "Thai Hookers" on latest update
They're actually from Taiwan. And they are betel nut sellers.
They may or may not be hookers. Stationed in small booths along a road, they sell the betel nuts to customers driving by. Customers may also get a bonus peek or grope when the ladies hand the nuts to them. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: THAI HOOKERS
G'day Orsm,
Been a fan since the beginning and now I have finally found cause to write in. Unfortunately, the pics labeled as THAI HOOKERS are neither Thai nor are they hookers - I know they look like they are but they are not. The girls in question are actually Taiwanese and they sell Betel Nut from those little glass booths by the side of the road to passing motorists. There are rumours that they offer other services and some may in fact do so but I think the majority just sell the betel nut. The reason they dress the way they do is that they are paid on commission and the better looking and more scantily clad they are, the more betel nut they are likely to sell. Those pics you posted have been floating around the net for ages now but I have attached a few that have never been on the net before as I took them myself.
I got an absolute shitload of emails about this. My bad I guess. Cheers to everyone who wrote in! -Orsm
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Harris wrote:
Subject: Randall Munroe's check to Verizon
Hey Mr Orsm, naturally there's a story attached to your Random Shite picture of Randall Munroe's check to Verizon. In trying to search out more information I came across this recording attributed to the Munroe vs Verizon situation. Do any of your readers know more of the story or how it ends - at what point does Verizon admit they screwed up big time. Really enjoy your site and look forward to it on Thursdays. I'm sure your large and varied fan base can help come up with more of an answer to this one. Thanks for the website and all your efforts. |
Dan wrote:
Subject: Bugatti Veyron crash
The true story is here. He was not doing 100mph - look at the damage, that's not 100mph damage.
He was only prosecuted for "driving without due care and attention", not speeding. There are 300 made... well 299 now! The car was being rented (from a dealership), at a cost of (I think) £20,000 a day.
Cheers. |
hasta wrote:
Subject: Brine Shrimp Boat Revisited
Howdy,
you will probably get a lot of these, but . beloved Snopes says that your multi motored boat in your updates 2 weeks ago was actually a drug runner boat.. go figure.. Great site, long time reader..very, very glad you went from a 2 week update to a 1 week. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: number plate image
A number plate to help your children spell. It took me a second look to get the message. It is on the red Nissan Exa chop and change to suit.
Brilliant. -Orsm
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Robert wrote:
Subject: Bugger
Hey Mate. Love the site and love perth where these pics were taken. You can go anywhere in a hire car. It looked dry I swear. Keep up the good work.
I love what you can do with hire cars... -Orsm
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Trent wrote:
Subject: Ice road in Canada
I just got back from driving truck on the winter ice road in the North West Territory in Canada and I thought you might like a picture or two. I'll try and find some of the truck wrecks. |
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Simps wrote:
Subject: must have had a fall out with someone.
This house is in Carlisle, Cumbria, England, they must have had a fall out with someone. Read the name out fast. |
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Jane wrote:
Subject:
the caption for this picture is: A single building is left standing on a mound of earth after its owner refused an offer of compensation from the land developer, who proceeded to dig around it in western China's Chongquing municipality. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: HOW NOT TO DRESS
omfg I can't tell you how many times this outfit on her violates taste. 1- dress is far from slimming. Yellow red colours make one look larger, the pattern doesn't help either. Too busy for a larger person. 2- those bows.. please tell me she got drunk and added them on as a stupid afterthought. If not, then whoever designed the dress needs a long stint in rehab. 3- too low in the neck. It makes her boobs look saggy. 4- patterned stockings. They should have been plain, as the dress is patterned enough. At worst, fishnet. Her legs are too chunky for patterned stockings. 5- OPEN HEELED SHOES WITH PATTERNED STOCKINGS. Fuck me drunk, she should be hung, drawn and quartered for that!!! If she was going to wear open toed shoes, then plain stockings in flesh colour would be good. Black stockings with red shoes... are you fucking kidding me? Black shoes would have been marginally better. God this is an abomination on all levels of taste. Can I kill her now? |
Paul Daniel wrote:
Subject: Friday after the blow
Only in Hedland! Just had a big cyclone ? What do you do ? Clean up - nah! Help a neighbour - nah ! Obtain urgent supplies - yep - off to the Liquor Store.
I don't see what the problem is here...? -Orsm
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Thomas wrote:
Subject: Infinity Tower, Dubai Marina - The things that can go wrong on a building site
The incident happened as the workers were assisting the project owners and the piling contractor with the foundation works on site 20 meters below ground level. The supervision team noticed a slight movement and cracks in the diaphragm wall adjacent to the Dubai Marina and alerted the management who ordered an immediate evacuation of the site. The diaphragm wall collapsed and crumbled within 2 minutes from being noticed as the workers were scrambling over safety ladders up to the ground level. The whole site was totally flooded within 4 minutes. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend binky
Please include the following pictures in your next update. She decided it was over the day after my parents flew a thousand miles to meet her parents for the first time. What a wasted trip. I'd rather had gone to the beach. |
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<with held> w rote:
Subject: Please do disclose my name or email thank you
A gorgeous indian bird from Fiji at a local resort a couple of years ago. Enjoy... love your site..its the only porn and comedy site I visit online. Keep up the good work mate! |
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Keith wrote:
Subject: Working in Surfers Paradise
Oh to be working in Surfers. These photos were taken on Monday by a bloke working in the Ray White building in Surfers which overlooks the roof of one of the strip clubs. Pity he didn't have a better camera. |
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R.F. wrote:
Subject: pie pics
Hi Orsm, I'm a service rep for a pretty conservative company here in the states.. Understandably, they have no sense of humor when it comes to sending employees out to customers' houses for repair work.. so it was kind of a surprise to have a very respectable housewife suddenly ask if I might like a roll in the hay. After next thing I know, the digital that's supposed to be for documenting before and after work shots documented another sort of 'after'. I tucked the files away on my own computer and left them for a bit. Then just the other day I noticed a mail from one of your readers asking for pie pics.. I can't take a chance emailing some reader.. but here's a handful of pie pics taken that day. |
Slowrider wrote:
Subject: got something for ya
the other weekend the 4&rotor nats were held in christchurch, nz. of course there was plenty of cars but everyone knows what ya go there to see... hope ya can use these in an update. cheers, marc. |
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brent wrote:
Subject: funny video
Hey from across the pond in Virginia (dont hold that against me )I love the site and send all my friends to you,yep all three. Short five second clip of a monster truck in Richmond VA. He was trying to do a wheelie, I guess he got carried away! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big Bad Draino
This is a Mazda MPS 3 100klms on the clock just running it in to 250kph which is the manufacturers claimed top speed, I had to back of twice for a few bends then just as I hit 250 and go over a crest up comes an unexpected bend. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: vid
Greetings, Meet my soon to be wife. Keep up the good work!
Boobs THAT good and THAT'S all we get? -Orsm
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please, Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
ORSM VIDEO
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Newzilland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
ORSM VIDEO
I should keep this brief because I'm SURE you guys know the deal by now but in case you don't its where I gleefully announce the end of the update which means I can finally go find some dinner, crank through some of the many emails adorning my inbox and then hurt some sleep at a relatively normal hour... but before I do...
- Check out the site archives. They're better than forced anal. Honestly.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I find something better to do...
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call you six times a day for no apparent reason in an elaborate yet deceptive plan to get you to plug his new website: TheBoysNightOut.org
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me without knowing me? Want to fight me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Well go take a shit but first make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be so angry. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.03.23-08.58 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Any of you boys seen an update around here?
Don't you hate... when it's a Thursday night... and you're working feverishly to get your update finished... and you're so close... and then the electricity goes out for eight hours?
I'm in a funny mood. Well, funny isn't quite the right word come to think of it. Irritable, crabby and pessimistic probably describe it better and I think it's a result of being completely and utterly mentally thrashed. Unfortunately I'm not too sure what it will take to return me to my usual happy-go-lucky, joyous self but I think picking a fight with a stranger or pushing someone to the point of tears could be the remedy. Volunteers? I'll be gentle... kinda...
I'll start with my last week because its been a massive one and there aint no denying the reason you guys come here has very little to do with the all the free porn and vids and jokes and other stuff I post... its ALL about ME... right...?
I've been crapping on about our down south trip for a while now and last Friday was the day. We got an [unnecessarily] early start and after a quick stop for breakfast, trundled into one of my favourite destinations anywhere in the world - a little touristy town called Dunsborough. From there we went to Eagle Bay which is about ten minutes away and also where we were staying. Nowhere is better than Eagle Bay. Absolute god's country. Picturesque, beautiful, secluded and above all quiet... and if you have a few million lying around you can buy a shitbox there with an ocean view.
The rest of Friday was tied up with wedding rehearsals, a walk along the beach, a BBQ and drinking beer with friends. I guess that's the thing about holidays... the time passes slower so you can squeeze more in.
Saturday was pretty much an open day to do as we pleased so we filled a couple of cars with people and headed off to do the winery thing... which basically involves tripping from one winery to another chugging down free samples of their various wines. It's a good deal - you don't have to buy anything and you can end up extremely drunk without a whole lot of effort. We also managed to take in a brewery and hurt the local chocolate factory. I swear if I could spend even just one day a month doing that shit I would be a happy man...
With the wedding looming the next day everyone decided to take Saturday night easy which meant some TV, a few beers... and sitting up with the groom until 1am getting hammered on a fine red wine...
Another early start on Sunday morning and with an hour long conversation about good coffee very much still fresh in my head from the night before the first thing I wanted was - you guessed it - a good coffee. Again, filled the car with people and headed to Dunsborough to chug down a couple of espressos. Magic stuff and the perfect way to start what was to be an extremely long day...
The wedding ceremony wasn't happening until 4pm but in the mean time we had plenty to do - wash half the south west off the wedding cars, make a couple of trips to drop bags off at a resort for the soon to be married couple, get showered and then get ready to be there by go-time. Did I mention it was hot? No? Okay well it was hot. And did I mention we were wearing tux's? Because we were wearing tux's. And did I mention the ceremony was outside in the heat, in the direct sun with us wearing tux's? Okay... you get the idea. All I'm saying is that it was a tad sweatier than I would have preferred.
Thankfully the ceremony was short and sweet. I'm talking done and dusted in less than ten minutes and possibly closer to five. Happy days. We followed that up with champagne and the standard wedding photo thing which again was over in record time.
After that it was back to the winery to begin the reception... and of course my half of the best man speech. I was fucking nervous and I swear I'll never watch the video of it because I'd rather not relive the terror all over but that said we did manage to get some laughs, some heckling [from the groom] and much to my surprise, a bit of applause. All I can say now is thank fuck its over.
The rest of the night went pretty much how you would expect a wedding to go - everyone got drunk and had an awesome time. I'd say it was about as close as you get to the perfect wedding and all up it was a pretty good weekend but I am definitely glad to be back. I like my space and my privacy far too much and when you're sharing a house with 8-10 other people that stuff just doesn't exist. Definitely a learning experience though... made me realise a few things I never did before but I'll save the 'why I never want to get married' blog for another day and just get on with bloody the update...
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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers. "Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or female?" "Female!" the bloke beamed. "How do you know" his mate enquired." "Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!"
--
One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor, "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?" The doctor immediately grabs a jar of Vaseline and says,” if you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth. The man replies,” Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"
An Australian Aboriginal goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks, "How much do you charge for da hour, bro?" "$100," she replies.
He says "Okay, do you do Aboriginal style?" She says "No!" "I'll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style?" he said. She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aboriginal style is. So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me!"
Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?”
So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Aboriginal style' come in?" The Aboriginal replies... "Send da bill to da Guva'ment"
ORSM VIDEO
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Dear Dr. Abby,
I need some advice. I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her but should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?
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READER MAIL
No Reader Mail this week sorry guys! Losing last Friday, this Monday plus having no electricity on update night kind of screwed my shit up so I didn't have the time to get it all sorted but I promise to make up for it next update!
Anyway, if you would like to submit then it's extremely easy! What do we wanna see? EVERYTHING! Pics of your tasty girlfriend, car stuff, cool shit, fucked up videos, fuck-ass funny jokes and just about anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you've got to go is click here and make the magic happen!
THE 1ST AFFAIR: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary - we had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
THE 2ND AFFAIR: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
THE 3RD AFFAIR: A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
THE 4TH AFFAIR: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing."
THE 5TH AFFAIR: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
THE 6TH AFFAIR: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
ORSM VIDEO
A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
This is a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant block. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty block.
The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of the diamonds-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the five dollars that she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those useless cunts at the hardware joint ever bring us the fucking timber!”
RANDOM SHITE
There's so much cool shit in this weeks RS I'd have to say it's easily the best one since I posted the pics of the place with the people doing the thing. Remember? That was so cool. Anyway check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop. "Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions later."
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag. "What's in the bag?" the youngster asked. "magic apples", the old man replied. "Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what are your favourite two fruits?" asked the old man. "Watermelon and peaches", he answered. The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach. The youngster was impressed but still unconvinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat. "I like to eat pussy." he snapped. The man handed him another apple and told him to try it. He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit". The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
Traffic cop stops an old guy for speeding. Says to old geezer, "I'll give you a chance. If you can tell me what's driving down the road towards us, I won't write you a ticket." Geezer says, "It's a car."
Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Merc or a BMW or a VW, or what ? Let's try again, shall we? " "What's approaching us now ?" Geezer says, "It's a motorbike."
Traffic cop says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it a Yamaha or a Kawasaki or a Honda? What sort of bike is it?" The old guy shrugs so the cop proceeds to write out a ticket, which he then gives to the old guy. Then he turns and walks towards car.
Old geezer shouts, "Wait mister! Hold on a second. Come listen to me for awhile!" "Yes Sir...?" "Tell me son, If you're in a red light district, and on the opposite corner stands a young lady in a mini skirt, thigh high boots, a miniscule top and a cigarette dangling from her lips what is it ?"
The cop says "Sir, it's a prostitute!" Geezer says, "No, you're not LISTENING. Is it your sister, your grandmother or your MOTHER?"
ORSM VIDEO
Well that was a weird one... first time in a very long time that the update hasn't gone up on a Thursday. Kind of frustrating too - you can only sit in the dark staring at a black computer screen patiently waiting for the electricity to come back on for so long before tiredness creeps in and kicks your arse to bed. I did wake up when it came back on around 5am though and finally got this bad boy finished. Anyway, let's not prolong things and skip straight to:
- Check out the site archives. They're better than losing your virginity.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I go partying with Ben Cousins...
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll lock you in a with my friend Ray to discuss why rave music just isn't the same as it used to be.
- Need to clear your conscience? Pass judgement on me? Tell me to get fucked? Tell me I should be locked up? Well go take a shit but first you can email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and make sure to save your work! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.03.15-22.46 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Yes, yes it is.
How is everyone? I'm doing pretty good... if you don't count the stress, tiredness and irritability. Some shit has gone my way, some shit hasn't.
I had some fun last week... it all started a few months back when my best mate told me that I would be making the best man speech at his wedding all on my own - not a joint effort with the other groomsmen as we've done previously. It took me all of about two seconds to work out he was tyring to mess with me but I vowed revenge and last week I finally got my chance.
A couple of weeks ago he asked if we'd made a start on the speech yet. Without thinking too much about it I said "I'm not writing a speech - I'm just going to jot down some bullet points, sink a few beers and wing it". It started straight away... "you cant do that, you'll fuck it up" and so on. I just kept saying "I'd be fine".
Anyway every single day last week I got a call trying to convince me to write a proper speech and I continued on with the "I'll just wing it" responses. As the week went on the calls got longer and the desperation increased. It was about mid-week when I called in the re-enforcements. I got my other best mate [also a groomsman] plus one of the bridesmaids to work it into the conversation. Apparently any mention of me to either bride or groom was met with "I don't know what's wrong with him" and "what's his fucking problem?"
By last Friday the truth came out. I spoke to the bride who told me he'd worked it out the day before after he heard me clicking away at the computer during one of our many "you need to write a proper speech" phone calls and ever since he has tried hard to save face saying he knew all along. Funny shit.
This kind of stuff has been going on for years. It always in good fun and always gets tactical as we vie for the upper hand over each other. The only thing I have to worry about now is his golden opportunity to get me back. No doubt he'll try to play on my nervousness about speaking in front of 100+ people BUT he has to be careful because it's his wedding that I'll fuck up. Like I said - good fun!
I thought last Friday the moment my new car was to become not so new had arrived. We headed into the city for dinner and I parked in a quiet corner away from all the other cars - I'm not quite ready for car park dinks just yet. After eating and as we walked towards the car we see a guy come bolting full steam into the car park, closely followed by two cops. He jumps a chain link fence, stumbles and eats it face first - quite possibly harder than I have ever seen anyone do so. And where did he land? Literally under my front bumper. The cops were on him in a flash with knees in back trying to cuff him but all over my car in the process. By this stage I am just about screaming at them to move him which thankfully they did.
And just when we thought it was all over and my car was safe... his mate starts abusing the cops. They didn't particularly like that and before you know it four or five of them are scuffling with him - again right in front of my car - arresting the guy. It's humorous now thinking back but there was a couple of moments were it looked like I was going to get some nice dents to show off.
Moving on... we're finally off down south tomorrow for this wedding thing. This week has been a fucking killer trying to get everything sorted and as a matter of fact the last month or so has been just the same. That said, hopefully there will be some time to sit back, relax and enjoy it all. Whatever happens it's made me realise that I'm in no rush to get married.
Okay let's get on with this update before anyone who actually bothered to read this falls asleep...
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A son asks "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
--
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?""Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will!"
ORSM VIDEO
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Jacques Chirac, the French president, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is me-self, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.""Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke""Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well." Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!""Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
DEPRESSED MAN DIAGNOSED AS "BRITISH"
George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti- depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British.
Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.
"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.
"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."
Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons grade amphetamine", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".
It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.
Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears.
"His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".
"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy, giving her an understanding of the British psyche.
"Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."
Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.
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READER MAIL
Just like first time anal sex, my time was stretched to its limits this week and I very nearly flagged getting Reader Mail sorted. So why didn't I just let it die? Because there was so much cool shit submitted! Take a look below - I aint lying!
There was a lot of emails from you guys about the triangle problem in last weeks RS. Click here for the solution!
Anyway if you want to submit then I'm not fussy! Pics of your girlfriend, fucked up videos, funny jokes, or absolutely anything you can strap to an email and send my way is all welcome! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!
Alex wrote:
Subject: Paradise Resort Location
Hey orsm, Just a FYI if no one else has jumped in and let you know the location of the Paradise Resort location, I have infact been there. It is the Four Seasons, Ubud, in every Aussies favorite place... Bali. I was there back in 2000, before the shit storm of bombings and bullshits raped that small Island, and it was around that time that the place opened. I remember the distinctive roof, and the stream vividly. |
Big John wrote:
Subject: bugatti veyron
Hi mate. The story behind the bugatti you showed is that a guy had it for 2 weeks, he was renting it out at something like £70,000 a day. These 2 guys rented it, and crashed it doing 100mph in a 40 zone.
a spokesman from Bugatti said, we can fix it, it will cost a great deal of money. Only about 800 made i think? |
Andrew wrote:
Subject: jack daniels burnout ute
hi orsm, i saw the ute at the murray bridge autofest on australia day and it was simply amazing. i was standing literally 2 metres from it at some stages while it was doing burnouts and i didn't have any ear protection. i honestly thought my ear drums were going to burst, it was that loud. thats what 2000HP does!!! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stupid chick again on MSN !
Hi dude !! I really like your work. I watch your site every week and you do a very good job. I send you this picture of stupid chick who try to hide is boobs . She forgot the mirror in the back. Don't send my name. Thank. See you next week ! |
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OBMATT wrote:
Subject: ex
Here's a picture of my ex who was a stripper. Post this thing everywhere you can.
Can't imagine why anyone would break up with a girl like that...? -Orsm
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Gazzar wrote:
Subject: Thumb
G'day Mr orsm.This what happens when you grind your thumb with a five inch disc grinder.The wound is two days old.I tried to clean it but found i had to remove a wave of burnt black thumb meat six millimetres high and the width of my thumb.I then said to myself ' fuck that hurts 'Not sure where you can or even if you would put it on orsm but if it gets a gernsey 'The
dockers suck George' |
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Norm wrote:
Subject: Helmet
Hey Mr Orsm, I took this snap in Yola, Nigeria, last week. Thought you
might like it for your 'random shite' section. Cheers |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Funny add froma Seattle WA USA paper
I saw this add while traveling in Seattle... Thought you might appreciate it |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: self suck
Here is a great priceless pic that i know you will love of my x/bf.Please keep all details and info anonymous! Lots of laughs..ENJOY!!! |
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David wrote:
Subject: Something interesing
Hey Mr Orsm. Have been following your weekly updates for close on four years now! Well done on a great site!! Took this pic in Buenos Aires which i thought you might enjoy! |
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graeme wrote:
Subject: oh what a feeling
howdy mr orsm, dug up some old piccies i took new years eve '92 up at lancelin. my mate decided to see how unbreakable his hilux was. the axle tubes, chassis and bullbar were just a few of the things that weren't, in fact you can just see the bullbar hitting the deck in the last shot. apologies for the crappy quality, but they're scans of 15year old photos and my mate has the negatives. enjoy. wiggy. |
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bilodog wrote:
Subject: southern 80 - 2007
Try again................. well hi there. just sending some pix there to you of the week end hope you could use them in your site. didnt really go all to plan but snap up some pix any way. all the best. cheers |
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Tristan wrote:
Subject: A few pictures you might enjoy
Attempt number 2, I'll try to remember to attach the photos this time. Hows it hanging? Got a few pictures I thought you might like for the site... the first few I took after sitting in my car smoking with the windows up. I thought the effect looked cool the way the shade was casting off my hands. And the last one is a picture of me and the significant other engaged in well if you cant figure it out to bad. Kick ass site dude. |
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Jarrah wrote:
Subject: foot pictures you might find....
this is my foot after spilling boiling water down my boot at work. Cheers
Thats just plain nasty. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Snow 2007
Check out these pictures of a recent snow day up in Canada. How would you like to have to shovel your roof? Sorry about the poor quality of some of them. |
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Jez wrote:
Subject: Friday night, about 6pm in Kal. VU SS torn in half @ 150kmh !!
At about 6pm tonight the ute below was travelling down a 50kmh zone @ an eye witness estimate between 150-200. They have gone through 1 of Kalgoorlie notorious spoon drains and launched into the air, upon bouncing back to earth something broke and the driver lost control. They have jumped the curb and launched passenger side on into the tree pictured. It has literally torn the ute in half, seperating fuel tank, rear firewall, tray, bumpers and tray liner. In the photo from side on of the cab you can see the fuel tank on the ground between the police. The owner of the ute is just 18 and hasnt had the car for long. He was not driving his mate was. His age is unknown. In one of the pics there is a Cougar can on the ground next to the car and witnesses say they appeared to be drunk. Initial reports were the owner was out of the ute yelling at his mate 'look what you have done to my ute'. The driver was laying on the ground in a bad way apparently. Let this be a reminder oncer again that speeding . alcohol and in experience just do not mix !!! |
TCM_4 wrote:
Subject: Crash
Wassup? got some pics of my girlfriends Ford KA she smashed up a couple of weks ago. Thank God for airbags!
The lip stick marks are actually pretty funny. -Orsm
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Mendoza wrote:
Subject: Beach Pics
I took these pics at a beach near newcastle recently. Thank god for the zoom lens. Enjoy
If you've got it, flaunt it... I guess... -Orsm
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A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been fucked! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says.
The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
"I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW you're fucked!" he says and rows away.
ORSM VIDEO
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place a few years ago. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "FUCK YOU!". Then he turned to his bride and said "FUCK!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
Tony Blair was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Thames below. Before the MI5 guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Tony said, "No problem. I'll take you there on my Harrier Jet".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Tony said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Blair is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my Dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!"
An mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.
"What's new, Sara?" "Why, it's nice to see you again John," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him. "Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "You don't realise how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!" The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
So let me explain a little bit here on my situation. My car is broken and It's too cold to go outside and fix it. There's no way I'm laying on the cold pavement and pulling the transfer case. So I'm carless.
Now my girl, I normally just car pool with her to work. Which is fine because we live together and we're both working the same hours and near by each other. But I took Friday off and I opted to watch the kid instead of having her drop him off at my mums place. So I was at home and everything was all good untill about 1pm. I got a call from my boss and he needed me in. I work at Burger King in the mall, so I told him I really can't but if I must I'll have to ride my motorcycle in and it's 20°F outside. He said it would really mean alot and mean I might be eligible for management come my 6 month review. So I told him sure.
Now I have a problem, I have my son. He's 2.5 yrs old and just a bundle, but I have no way to have someone watch him. I forgot about this detail. So with no options left I get out his old broken car seat and fix the buckles with some duct tape. Then I strap it to my bike and set him up in it. I didn't have a helmet that fit him so I just used a towel and some tape and secured him to the carseat with that. He was snug as a bug so I put a towel over the carseat and jumped on it. I set off to my mums to drop off my son about 5 miles away. Really just a few turns down the road but it was snowing and cold as hell. I was about 3 miles to her house and I got pulled over. Freakin arrested for child endangerment and now they won't give my bike back. I just bought it in April. It's a 02R6 and it means the world to me. They said they're holding it till court to display to the prosucuter and people how unsafe I was with the car seat duct taped and bungied to the bike.
I think it was really secure and I had him bundled up and me being on the bike blocked the wind.
My girl want's to kill me and she's all worried about our kid getting taken away. Right now they're making him stay with my mum untill court.
Anyway my quesion is: how do you think I could get my bike back? I'm leaving on Wednesday for bikeweek.
ORSM VIDEO
Okay okay time for me to fly. I won't dribble on endlessly and just cut to the chase...
- Check out the site archives. They're better than heroin.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I work out how I can hang down south for a few extra days...
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call you six times a day to bore the fuck out of you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Pass judgement on me? Tell me to get fucked? Tell me I should be locked up? You wouldn't be the first but you can email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep left or I'll tailgate you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.03.08-23.22 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You and me – we're the same... but different...
Another frickin' huge week! I keep telling myself this is what happens as you get older and the whole notion of slacking off, relaxing, sleeping is a distant one that wont be realised until I die. At least there's something to look forward to!
And just so you guys don't think I'm painting myself as some sort of retarded martyr, I should add that it's pretty much all self-imposed. No one holds a gun to my head and tells me to spend a million hours a week working on the site and the same applies for the endless shit I find myself doing around the house. It's my routine and just so happens that once you start supplementing it with organising a Bucks party plus all the shit that goes along with a rapidly approaching friends wedding plus a couple of family birthdays plus a trip down south plus... plus... plus... its never ending lately. [My favourite word] Hopefully everything will start returning to normal in a few weeks otherwise the nervous breakdown is going to come early this year...
Did I mention it's been hot? Well it's been hot. Damn hot. So much for summer being over! With the last three days over 40°C [104°F] and today nudging 38°C [100°F] its been nothing short of fucking gross outside. All I can say is thank Christ, God, Allah, Buddha, Natalie Portman – whoever – for air conditioning.
Anyway I have a whole page to fill so as I've already spent a couple of paragraphs entertaining [read: boring the crap out of] you guys about me and my shit there's no reason to stop now...
Last Friday was manic. Woke up far too early and, not unlike an erection, decided there was no point wasting it so I got stuck into getting the house clean. The morning just craaawled along too. Why? Because Friday was new car day!
I had to be at the dealership by 1pm and believe me when I say I was there on the dot. I'll cut a long story short here and cut straight to an hour later when I was driving my new baby off the lot. That's when I got the grin. The grin is that 'fuck yeah – look how good I am!' expression that adorns your face. Its rare and it only last a few minutes but there's nothing better. Honestly you could have bashed me in the head with a sledge hammer and it wouldn't have faltered. Oh happy days.
Saturday was even crazier. After spending the rest of my Friday cooking and getting house organised it all started again before heading down to play billiards for a few hours. We followed that up with the BBQ and booze before heading off to the city for some strip club action...
We jumped in cabs and pointed them at what was apparently the place to see fine, naked women bending themselves around poles. I've got to admit I haven't been to a strip club for a while. Back in my tradesman days we'd head up to the Raunchy's every Friday afternoon without fail... always be the first there and always have front row seats. It was a competition between my workmates to see who could finish up with the most 'Rage With A Raunchy Lady' stickers by home time. It was seedy as though – full of bikies and most of the girls had their kids waiting outside in the car. Thankfully this place was better. Hot looking girls and a few absolute glamour's mixed in too. Enough about that though... it was a Bucks night and as all know – what happens on tour, stays on tour! All up it was a good day. Admittedly kind of tame compared to some of the Bucks parties I've been to but I suppose we're happy doing different things now.
The rest of the weekend was pretty mellow. I was thrashed from the previous few days, my back was killing me and I needed some time to just relax for a while. Unfortunately that didn't last too long as it slowly began to dawn on me that I had a Best Man speech to write. Here we go again! Last time I did this was three years ago and whilst that experience was quite terrifying I'm feeling a bit more relaxed this time about having to stand up in front of 100+ people and talk for ten minutes... on the other hand who the fuck am I kidding...? Not looking forward to this one bit!
Okay let's put a halt to the nonsensical stammering and get on with what you will no doubt agree is the best update EVER...
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Naidoo was driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, He said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every service for the rest of my life and give up alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Naidoo looked up again and said "OK never mind. I found one."
--
Why do women have two sets of lips?
One for bitching, and one for apologising.
--
What is the best part of dating 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
A 1st grade class just came in from recess. The teacher asked Jenny what she did at recess that day. Jenny replied: "I played in the sand box." The teacher said: "That's good! Now, if you can go to the board and write the word 'sand' I'll give you a cookie." Jenny did it correctly and was given a cookie.
Next, the teacher called on Alex. "Alex, what did you do at recess?" Alex said: "I played in the sand box with Jenny." The teacher replied: "Wonderful! If you can go write the word 'box' correctly on the board, I'll give you a cookie." He did, and she gave him a cookie.
Finally, the teacher turned to a young boy named Mohammed, and asked him what he had done at recess. "Well," he responded, "I tried to play with Alex and Jenny, but they threw rocks at me." The teacher said: "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like a case of blatant racial discrimination." She thought for a moment, then said: "Now, if you can go to the board and write 'blatant racial discrimination,' I'll give you a cookie."
ORSM VIDEO
FLESHLIGHT...
NOT AS CREEPY AS YOU THINK! I GOT MINE AND IT
IS HONESTLY THE FUCKING
GREATEST THING EVER!
CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT.
Australian Prime Minister John Howard was jogging in Canberra. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two Fifty!" He'd yell back, "Five!"
One day, Mrs Howard decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Mr Howard realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Mrs Howard would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?!"
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READER MAIL
Cheers to everyone who submitted this week! My Outlook has been making that annoying little 'ting' sound every couple of minutes as you guys proceeded to bombard me with what you will see below is an awesome Reader Mail.
If you want to submit then I'm not fussy! Pics of your girlfriend, fucked up videos, funny jokes, or absolutely anything you can strap to an email and send my way is all welcome! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!
Jason wrote:
Subject: in "gaylez" defence
Hey mr Orsm, i was just surfin ur recent up date when i notice a fellow reader had wrote in with pics of a car he seen in innaloo, thought id clear it up cos as it turns out i know the owner, its a mates sister and in her defence, her name is Gayle, her friends all pitched in and bought her personalised plates for her bday, but "gayles" was taken, it didnt occur to them the double entendre of purchasing number plates saying GAYLEZ.... that said we all find it hilarious anyway
Hilarious. This email made my day! -Orsm
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Keps wrote:
Subject: g'day
G'day champion,
mad site yadayadayada...those pics you had of the 'paradise resort' were fucking sweet - I was wondering if you knew the details of it. I am assuming it is somewhere in Indoniesa? Anyway I'd like to take my girl there, so if you know or could find out that'd be wicked if you could hook me up. Cheers and keep up the good work.
I got a tonne of emails about this and I have absolutely no idea! If anyone knows let me know! -Orsm
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Graeme wrote:
Subject: Greetings From The UK
Just for your info :-
Some of us do take the time to read what you say.
Bullshit as most of it is, we still read it.
1. Sorry to hear about your Nob size !
2. Fat Chicks ARE Hot !
3. Elton John - Fuck Off !!
Hope the wait for your car was worth it and you can now pull lots of blokes !
Regards from a shit day in the UK
Okay so thats at least ONE person! Anyone else? -Orsm
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PIES wrote:
Subject: CREAMPIE VIDS
hI. pLEASE BE SO KIND AS TO POST A REQUEST. ANYBODY TO E-MAIL ME CREAMPIE
VIDS/PICTURES OF NO LARGER THAN 5 MB. THANKS
Everyone please feel free to email Pies and tell him what a retard he is. -Orsm
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Ciaphusad wrote:
Subject: exam answers...
Brought back such memories for me..
honest to God true...
Went with my first wife to a Trivial Pursuit quiz night once..She was blonde and really dumb..
When asked What was the name of Captain Blighs famous ship? the hosts got really bored waiting for her answer so gave her a hint saying,,,Choc bar, comes in two halves..Her eyes brightened and she said.."I know, I know, TWIX! |
Sam wrote:
Subject: Sniper
My beloved WA licence plates 'SNIPER' will be up for auction.
They will be in the West Australian, Auto Trader & Quokka for the month of March.
Email me if interested! -Orsm |
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Drug runner boat
It's not a drug runner boat, but is a brine shrimp boat on Salt Lake in Utah. It has so many engines because the seine they use requires a massive amount of power to drag it. Besides, that kind of boat would be unstable at high speed as your reader suggested. |
Joseph wrote:
Subject: pizza delivery
hello from the snowy land of Minnesota. this is a pic of my first day back delivering pizzas no lie my third run of the night and she got naked for me, and her husband took some pics with their camera and one with my phone. i was there for a few hours and i became a legend. display my email proudly |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: camera happy
I've been talking to this girl on the internet for some time now and a few days ago she decided to be a little "camera happy". I thought it was only fair to share! She turned 18 in November.
Pretty damn hot if I do say so. -Orsm
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Cam wrote:
Subject: Chrysler in Canning Vale
G'day Orsm, Took these pics this afternoon on Bannister Road in Canning Vale. This guy had managed to jump his Chrysler 300C up the kerb and mount it on the bollard. Use em if you like.
Ooops... -Orsm
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Plastic sith wrote:
Subject: Bugatti Veyron v Vauxhall Astra
Criminal, perhaps the most expensive car crash ever! This idiot managed to lose control of his brand new Bugatti and end up hitting another vehicle. Wouldn't like to see his insurance premium after this one! |
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Some Stooge wrote:
Subject: Guatemala Sink Hole
A 330-foot-deep sinkhole killed at least two teenagers as it swallowed about a dozen homes early Friday and forced the evacuation of nearly 1,000 people in a crowded Guatemala City neighbourhood. Officials blamed the sinkhole on recent rains and an underground sewage flow from a ruptured main. |
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Gerry wrote:
Subject: Helicopter sick on the North Cormorant
hi. just how do you get a broke down chopper of a north sea platform. it is not to exciting but you can use it if you like .please keep my details hidden. thanks for the great site keep up the good work. |
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John Leway wrote:
Subject: Formation flying.
British chappie flies up to the "back door" of a C130 to say G'day & have his picture taken! 'How much closer do you want me ???'
One of the coolest things I have ever seen! -Orsm
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Gary Waddilove wrote:
Subject: Imploding Tanker
Hi Mate, This clip shows a tanker that had recently been steamed out internally and then sealed air tight. Only place for it is the scrap yard! |
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Q wrote:
Subject: good shit for orsm
Fuck i love mobile phones!!!! The combination of them with stupid young women gives some amazing results! Heres a few from the heart of the world- Northern Ireland. First one is an 18 year old blade from Londonderry, the second is an amazing piece of ass from Ballygawley. More to come i promise. |
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Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!"
ORSM VIDEO
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up occasionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbours can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately. I tell her simply, "You're screwed". Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared. I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilogue - I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story - Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
RANDOM SHITE
Every now and then I like to have some fun RS and fill it with obscenities so wrong they'd make an Iraqi dictator blush. Before you click the links I guess you need to ask yourself if this is one of those weeks. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the younger doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new younger doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium and each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
A photographer for a national American magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
ORSM VIDEO
Okay that's about all you'll get out of me this week. I can quite honestly say my heart and soul went into this monster of an update and as usual if you've made it this far down the page then hopefully you enjoyed it!
- Check out the site archives. They fucking rock. Truly they do. Ask my friend Ray.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Same as every other update since the beginning of time.
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will come around and ass-to-mouth your sister.
- Need clear your conscience? Pass judgement on me? Tell me to get fucked? Tell me I should be locked up? You wouldn't be the first but you can email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and pull your fly up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.03.01-23.09 |
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Welcome to girls with pretty boobs... I mean... Orsm.net.
Chopper's coming to town! Chopper from The Ronnie Johns Half Hour is about to embark on a 'Harden the Fuck Up Australia!' tour and he's coming to a town near you. Fuckin' strap yourself in for the fuckin' funniest fuckin' hour of motivational speaking you'll ever fuckin' see! More info and tickets available @ LaughingStock.com.
Whoa what a mega week. My head is spinning, I'm tired and the whole idea of a few minutes to myself is all but a distant memory. Not that I would dare complain though... the last time I tried I got bitch slapped like – funnily enough – a little bitch! Poor me huh...?
The scary thing is that it's barely begun. We've got my best mates Bucks party this Saturday and have had a shit load of stuff to organise. There's some serious cooking, house cleaning plus countless other shit to get sorted before I can even think about getting drunk and obnoxious...
Of course it was no real surprise that we struggled to get RSVP's back and no real surprise that we had to spend however fucking long following up with invitees. I made it as easy as possible for every one too - just drop me an email or call and that's it. Forget that though. No chance. If this has taught me anything it's to send RSVP's back the fucking day I get them.
The second problem was the Amazing Race thing I mentioned a few weeks ago. The idea was to have everyone in teams and race to various places around the city. Unfortunately with the RSVP situation and resulting lack of numbers the idea was abandoned which meant we had to sort an alternative. Can anyone say 'pain in the arse'?
The plan instead is to get all the boys together and shoot some billiards for a few hours before heading back to my place, cranking up the BBQ and commencing rapid consumption of Australia's finest beer – Crown Lager. After that we're going to cab it to the city and hit our favourite bar before making a detour past our favourite strip club. I guess if anyone is still alive and kicking by closing time we'll come back to mine and get stuck into an assortment of the world's finest scotch-whisky.
It probably sounds bad but thus far the only good thing that I can take from this whole experience is that I'm not likely to be a groomsman again anytime soon so I won't have to go through this shit for a while... or until my 30th birthday later this year anyway.
Moving on... I honestly don't think I could be more excited about tomorrow if I tried. I feel like I'm a five year old kid and its Christmas Eve. Why? Because tomorrow I will finally have my new wheels! The last six weeks have passed at an excruciatingly slow pace and to make sure I was well and truly frustrated to the point of extreme giddiness the delay of an extra week has just about tipped me over the edge.
Anyway, tomorrow at 1pm its mine-all-mine. I don't quite know how I'll get to sleep tonight and if I do you can guarantee I'll be up at the crack of dawn counting down the minutes. Let's just hope this one doesn't have never-ending problems like my current car!
Okay I think that's enough pointless blogging for this week. I'm pretty sure most you guys skip right past it anyway... which means I could say anything and no one would ever know... like 'I have a really small penis' or 'I think fat chicks are hot' or 'I really enjoy Elton John's music'... but probably better that I don't tempt fate and just say nothing except for lets get on with the damn update!
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Notice in pet shop window: "Clitoris-licking frog for hire: $50/hour". Intrigued, the woman goes in and says "I'd like a clitoris-licking frog please". Guy behind the counter says "Bonjour madame".
--
Steve, Bruce and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bruce and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bruce says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bruce. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bruce informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT?" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Sure," Bruce says. "Why?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bruce continues, "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in a mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," his wife told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."
ORSM VIDEO
I
GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE
FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
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An engineering consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the engineering consultant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, I tried to be ethical with all my clients, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The engineering consultant is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
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READER MAIL
You guys are going to love this week's Reader Mail. There's so much cool shit in here that they're being blamed for summer ending early this year. True story, honest, I swear.
If you would like to submit something then we would absolutely fucking love to hear from you! Girlfriend pics are always popular, messed up videos, fucked up jokes and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way is always welcome!
Psycheman wrote:
Subject: Santa cruz trees
Mr. Orsm, I contacted my brother in S.C. about the tree pics you had in last week's edition. He sent me this link to the story behind them a nd here's another link that has pics of the different trees and their "maker". Yes, they are now in Gilroy, but there is also insight as to how they were "made" Keep up the good work!
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Phil wrote:
Subject: Note on windshield
Love the site. Keep up the good work.
Just reading that note that was posted on the girls windshield in New Zealand by the guy with a less than excellent grasp of English.
Decided to give it a call and pretend to be said boyfriend of said girl. Hilarious. A few threats later... Get as many people as you can to ring.
That will teach the stalking bastard to leave notes on people's windshields. Saying that I may start using that particular technique... |
mart wrote:
Subject: cool CG music video
i'm a recently graduated 3d animator currently and have just completed
my first cg short; a collaboration with Tim Wright, who wrote the music
for such classic video games as Lemmings and WipeOut. the video follows an old toy robot who seeks to escape from the dark and
miserable factory where he lives to the outside world. along the way he
meets a girl robot who joins him and the video tells the story of their
escape. you can check it out on youtube. |
Juliusz wrote:
Subject: Ass pies
Greetings from SA mate! After leeching off ORSM.net for years, I finally have something to contribute (see attached pic). It's a little sign at the local grocery shop's bakery. I really do wonder what's in those things. Love your site! Keep it up. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: More Ex-GF Crap
Hey Orsm, love the site just like everyone else says. I'm sure you get tired of that... I've given you a few things, but this is classic for your site. So my girlfriend breaks up with me outta nowhere, doesn't really tell me why just that "We're wanting different things" - what a cunt, I know. So I'm really pissed off at her, and she takes all her stuff and I destroy essentially everything that reminded me of her. I removed her from my phone, deleted all the pics of her, removed her from my IM list, blocked her on Facebook, I completely wiped her from my life. Didn't exactly make me feel worlds better, but at least I'm not constantly reminded of her. So here comes the good part, I THOUGHT I removed all the pics of her I had... sneaky me put one picture of her in a weird backups folder... We broke up like 4 months ago or so, and I just found this picture today, and I'm giving it to you and all your viewers to enjoy! She had an incredible body, simply amazing ass. Wish I had more pics to throw up of her, cuz I had some doozies but I deleted them in anger. |
Richard wrote:
Subject: Lesson TO learn
This is a true picture of someone who was caught pumping someones wife by the husband in Kitengela last week a IN Kampala Uganda (Africa)
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Matt wrote:
Subject: ATM with atittude!!
ATM in Santa Barbara... amazingly it still gave me money!!! Enjoy..
Maybe it's just a good judge of character...? Jokes dude. Settle. -Orsm
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Kronic wrote:
Subject: Chuckle Worthy
Saw this outside of Innaloo Sizzler. Thought you'd get a chuckle out of it too. Keep up the good work. |
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Doaklsmith wrote:
Subject: First thing a Blonde does after accident
What is the first thing a blonde does after a bad car accident? Turn off the ignition? NO. Get away from the car in case it explodes? NO. Call 911 on her cell phone? NO. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My GF
Hi Mr Orsm, Your site ROCKS!!. Thought I would share some pics of my GF in her new lingerie... Hope everyone enjoys as much as I have... Appreciate you keeping my details anon. Cheers. |
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TheMonk wrote:
Subject: Rollover
I was driving into Kalgoorlie this afternoon (26.02.2007) from Leonora when I came across this on the edge of town. There was no one around and I have no idea what happened other what seems obvious. Pic 2....... look up the track a bit and you can see the spare tyre.... Pic 5......Disturbing sight, I don't know if any child was injured.
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joe fenech wrote:
Subject: Sunsets....Absolutely Beautiful
here are some pics i took of the sunsets in the US. |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Canberra
Canberra hail storm aftermath in the CBD Last Night 28/02/07 |
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Renee wrote:
Subject: Blowing up a bridge in Canberra
Hi there, This was a bridge that the people of Canberra had no more use for.
Obviously they couldn't get over it....... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Good vibe
hi orsm....absolutely love your site, cant wait till its been updated every week.Ive sent through this video taken on my mobile phone of the ex girlfriend...the quality is not good and the camera work is shit, but you can see me fucking her doggy style, while i try and ram a small vibrator in her ass!!!!!.....The best thing of all, is this video is taken about 2 hours after we broke, i convinced the dumb bitch to have break up sex....im kinda still friends with her, but i dont know for how long if she see's this (plus i just had an argument with her). |
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"
ORSM VIDEO
On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing an English cricket shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Australian cricket shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semiconscious Pommie fan from the water.
Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between Australian and English cricket fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing... is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, back at his hotel, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his new friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewellery piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it." "Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room, which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass." "Thanks!" she cried. "But never mind that! Just get the necklace."
I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,
"Mummy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!"
ORSM VIDEO
Okay that's about all you'll get out of me this week. I can quite honestly say my heart and soul went into this monster of an update and as usual if you've made it this far down the page then hopefully you enjoyed it!
- Check out the site archives. You know you want to!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Or will it...?
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do a burnout on your front lawn.
- Need clear your conscience? Pass judgement on me? Tell me to get fucked? You wouldn't be the first but you can email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and harden the fuck up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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