Welcome to Orsmnet. Look, I don't come down to where you pray and knock the Koran out of your hands...

There seems to have been some speculation in the last week or two about exactly what I may or may not have been planning for my traditional April Fools prank this year. I've had a steady stream of emails and messages from Orsmnet regulars with everything from "I'm ready for whatever you try and pull this year" to "a good idea to mess with people would be...".

So what's it going to be? Well as there is absolutely no fun in me telling you I am just going to leave it for you guys to figure out... just don't look too hard okay?

Now for a recap of the last week in my life because as well know - that's why you're all here... right? Thinking about it now, last weekend was pretty much just three long days of 'finally's' [okay so finally's isn't a word but this is my site and I can make up waords if I want].

I'll start at Friday because that is what that will forever be remembered as the day my carport was finally finished! Yes... you can now look forward to the cessation of stories about this little venture - almost. There are still some niggling little bits and pieces remaining but at least it's now finally functional.

Friday was a crappy, humid, patchy rain filled shit of a day and like most other Fridays I was stuck in the car running errands and catching up on things time and the rest of the week doesn't permit. Around midday I got a phone call from the concrete guys who were supposed to be coming the following day but due to them being 'rained-off' another job they were going to do mine. Sweet. I legged it towards home at light speed to find them waiting in my driveway and ready to get moving. I spent the next two or three hours supervising and making sure they did a good job and by the end of it I finally had a concrete pad to park my car on!

After that it was time to remove the dog for the weekend to the parents place so she wouldn't leave paw prints in the fresh concrete although as I would realise the following day she did manage to get all four into without me seeing... little bitch.

This 20 minute round trip wasn't entirely without drama - for the millionth time my car decided to develop problems with the cooling system. It didn't stop there though. As I was heading out that night and didn't need my car I just left it, went home and jumped on the computer for a while before getting ready. It was about this time I decided the other PC I use day to day needed a reboot but as it turned out the computer had other ideas and sat there idly protesting: 'NTLDR MISSING: REBOOT'. Fucking greeeeat.

Friday nite was a big boozy one. We headed to our local to hit the booze and celebrate a friends' engagement. That was the first big one I have had in far too long but I definitely paid for it. I woke up around 4am in desperate need of some bladder relief and water due to having the driest mouth ever. Back to bed, skulled my water down and was basically stuck there half awake, half asleep for the next few hours until I could finally slide out of bed and rehydrate myself again.

Once I finally got going for the day I decided it was time to fix the car then finally mow the lawn. The thing about mowing the lawn is when it hasn't been cut for a couple of months it takes for-fucking-ever to cut and i ended up with my entire wheelie bin full without even tackling the front lawn. Guess what I'm doing this weekend?

The rest of the weekend was frustratingly spent trying to get my computer back up and running. With the way I have the machine setup and the amount of data stored on it I was somewhat terrified I was dealing with a hard drive failure but after almost all of Sunday invested trying one thing after another I finally got it running again. Relief. As far as I can tell I only lost a few non-important bits and pieces too so not such a huge drama after all.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wondering what's going to fuck up next. Maybe I'm just overly superstitious or pessimistic or whatever but I've been waiting for the last few weeks for something to fuck in a big way and with the considering how everything has been going lately you can't really blame me!

Okay I think this little addition is long over due. I get daily emails from people asking where to find the Chopper vids and it's pushing me closer and closer to insanity! So... IF YOU WANT TO SEE ALL THE CHOPPER VIDS CLICK HERE!!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Hard Fucker - Piercing Pain - Whack-Job - Rejection Hurts - Lesbians - Doggie Style - Amateur Sex - Rate My Pix!

Charlize Theron Hotness - Street Banter - Lil Psycho - Hot Sauce - Shannon - PS3 Demo - Cartman - Cam Teen

There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Hey, is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns and says, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
--
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. "Beertits," he said.
--
Did you hear about the magician who went into a gay bar and disappeared with a 'Poof'?

HOW HOT? LINDA HOT... Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda - Linda

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."

The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek. "You gotta a light man?"

ORSM VIDEO

Chris Bliss

Heather Graham Fucking

Hot Chick In A Tub

Jessica Alba Nude

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A man and a wife had recently dropped their six-year old girl off at a friend's house for a slumber party. It was the first time that they had let the girl sleep over at someone's house so they were very worried about the whole thing. On the way home they discuss their worries and decide that it will be okay for the girl since they know she's only a phone call away. Then a semi-truck runs head-on into their car.

The man awakes hours later to find himself in a hospital bed. He takes a look around and then calls for a nurse. The nurse comes into his room and says, "Good you're awake! I'll get the doctor".

The doctor comes in a few minutes later and talks to the man about what happened. "Well, Mr. Johnson, you were in a head-on car collision in which you broke your right fibula and your right shoulder was dislocated. We have set your shoulder for you and in a few weeks you should be back on your feet and fine again".

The man replies, "That's great news doc. I've never broken a bone before and I was worried about why I couldn't move my right arm or leg, I thought I had a stroke!" The man can tell that the doctor is waiting for something and then it hits him. His wife! The man asks, "Doctor what about my wife? She was in the car with me, is she alright?"

The doctor's face turns grave. He starts, slowly, "Well, your wife is in worse shape then you are. She's been paralysed from the neck down and will probably never walk again. I wish I didn't have to say this but you will have to change a lot of the daily things you do to accommodate her back at your household. It will also take a large monetary commitment to ensure her well-being. She will have to be fed, walked around, cared for, bathed, and watched over at most hours of the day. I know this must come as a large shock for you but I want you to know that if there's anything you want to ask me while I'm here, please ask away."

The man is silent for minutes. He then replies, "Well doctor, if that's the way it is, then that's the way it will have to be. I love my wife very much and I will have to sacrifice my own comfort to ensure she lives in the best condition she can. I will do whatever it takes and personally account for her bathing, feeding, and making sure she stays in the best possible spirits"

The doctor then says, "I'm just kidding - she's dead!"

ANNA KOURNIKOVA... I'D LET HER BOUNCE MY BALLS... Anna K - Anna K - Anna K - Anna K - Anna K - Anna K - Anna K - Anna K - Anna K

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
You will probably notice a rather chubby Reader Mail section this week, all owing entirely to the sheer amount of quality email you guys have been sending me. The worst part? There was a crap load more quality stuff that I couldn't squeeze in. I really need to bring back to the Overflow because I still have it all kicking around and its well worth a surf.

Anyway if you'd like to submit your own pictures, videos, jokes, stories or anything else you have lying around then we'd love to see them! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

Big Daddy C wrote: Subject: Cute little dog or piece of shit that I shot out of my ass? I was amazed when I looked at what I had created after I took a shit that i decided to take a photo of it. this piece of shit resembles a dog and you are kidding yourself if you say it doesn't. it could even be a Dalmation if you include the sesame seeds and sweetcorn lodged within it (The toilet paper underneath is a preventative measure i take to avoid the usually inevitable "backsplash"). Some of you may think that this was hand crafted in some way but I assure you this is straight from ass-to-toilet. Any challengers?

Brian Costich wrote: Subject: Daddy's Gonna Be Mad Two of the world's rarest exotic cars, the Lamborghini Murcielago, and the newly introduced Ferrari Enzo, crashed today in the Park Cities area while street racing. The Lamborghini Murcielago apparently was driven by minor Courtney Shannon, daughter of Danny Shannon the owner of a large exotic cars dealership. The Ferrari Enzo, the world's rarest car, was driven by Rebecca West who's father is a prominent attorney. Both girls are age 17.

Tom Huffman wrote: Subject: Wife Pics Greetings from Wakarusa, Indiana! Here are a couple of pics from AFF the site promo'd on your site. I clicked it one morning, and ended up getting a gold membership. We have been doing this for a year, and a half now. Just wanted to say thanks... and keep rockin... you can use em on your site if you think they're worthy. p.s. love your site!!

John wrote: Subject: Pamela David and Mr Smiley Greetings Mr Orsm, Cool Pamela David video, always keeps the attention, does anyone know who sings the background music to the video? I've attached a couple pics of some poor bastard who died whilst watching the Benny Hill Show, or perhaps Breakfast with Frost (if you're a pom) Emailed it via a mate from South Africa. Smile... you're in South Africa!!

Stuart wrote: Subject: Broken Bridge This truck was hauling the track hoe illegally, not permitted. The bucket hit the bridge causing the boom to swing up and cut through the deck above. Bet he shit himself pretty good! Ooops... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: the riddle dude, I was in Norway and me and 2 other mates all thought this chick was hot. no really. like 8 out of 10 hot. I got with this.... this.... beast. this abomination. Once the nightmare was over my mate produced photos. i deleted what i could but alas her hideousness was too magnificent to be deleted from the anals of history. Presenting............. a woman so ugly...so hideous... so indescribably bestial and repugnant that words simply fail me and only a picture can do it justice. definately definately do not print my name or email.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Ex GF Hey Mr. Orsm... great site bla bla bla. here are some pics of the ex from a friend from holland. he didn t knew she was such a freak and we believe she was doing that shit even when she was dating my mate. anyway somehow he got these pics and sent them to her parents, co-workers and more or less everyone she and we know. so just enjoy, and please don t put my name nor e-mail. keep up the good work.

Chad wrote: Subject: MY EX My ex told a friend of mine that i didnt have the gts to pt her pucs on the internet so here they are. Tell her she was wrong. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Some pictures of the Clipsal 500 Hi Mr ORSM. Just some pictures from this weekends Clipsal 500 race in Adelaide that you might like to show the world.

the australian prime minister wrote: Subject: Clipsal 500 Hi. took about 150 photos today like this [at the Clipsal 500]. (the real interesting part of the race)

Alex wrote: Subject: Innisfail Disaster Mr. Orsm. your site rocks man keep it up..i made a powerpoint show of a few clips i captured from TV hope the world appreciate it cheers

Purky wrote: Subject: Cyclone Larry - Innisfail Photos Here are some pics of the poor buggers up in north QLD. Take Care.

Nothing 2 Wait 4 wrote: Subject: Arab Nights Dear orsm ... This is a sample video of arab nights ... I have absolutely no idea what Arabian Nights is all about but I would definitely like to try some... -Orsm

a fan wrote: Subject: video showing an idiot ;-), for your site. hi orsm, or whatever, gratz for your site, peeping around in here every day. heres a video showing maybe the biggest fag in the world talking about gta:san andreas for ps2 (expert tips) , i laughed my ass off. maybe you can use it.

Shane McKenzie wrote: Subject: F1 footage Hi Orsm, Been a fan for many years (about 4 or 5 now I think), referred your site to planty of friends over the years, and have to say that the F1 footage was pretty damn ORSM, I also have some footage of the same car at the opening ceremony of the Torino Olympics. My footage was filmed from about 10 meters away, I was sitting in the second row from the stage. I was one of the athletes in the opening march and we scored the best seat in the house. See it all on my website, shanemckenzie.com I also got some amazing pics of the torch being lit and some other cool things too, feel free to have a look and share if you feel fit.

<with held> wrote: Subject: homemade bombs video My brother and I filled empty co2 cartridges from a pellet gun with gunpowder and blew some shit up with them. The first thing is a coffee can filled with water, the next is a metal garbage can filled with water and the last one is taped onto a 20 oz. bottle of gas. Keep the stream of cool shit coming, great site.

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic - Titanic

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments asked,

"How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"

ORSM VIDEO

Slutty Nips

Kinder Jackass

Beazley: Too Smart For Us?

Bitch Bashes

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating Enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, If they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do It?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his Member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

RANDOM SHITE Oh how I love this section. I give this RS the April-Fools-no-gay-guarantee... unlike last years. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

ALL SITE ACCESS GIVES YOU THE HOTTEST TICKET ON THE NET! ACCESS TO 12 OF THE BEST
PORN SITES THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT! THIS IS TRULY A BACKSTAGE PASS TO
SOME WILD, WILD ACTION! CLICK HERE TO COME CHECK IT OUT NOW!

36 RULES FOR BANDS

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for...
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on public access.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY!
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
20. No one cares that you have a website.
21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
22. Don't hire a publicist.
23. Playing in St. Cloud and Mankato doesn't mean you're on tour.
24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
27. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
29. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
31. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
33. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
34. Rock oxymoron's; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
35. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
36. No one believes it when you say that this is the best audience out of any town/city/country you've played for.

ORSM VIDEO

Not Over 'Til Its Over

Jet Propelled

Puncture Proof

Crazy Jap Games

You know what? I think that pretty much about does it for this week. As always I hope you've enjoyed surfing this bad boy as much as I have sticking it all together. As for my next update - make sure you check back next Thursday for a whole new one that I'm sure in one way or another will knock your socks off! In the mean time feel free to tell the world about O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and watch out for April Fools! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Cyclone proof since 2000.

First, before we get moving... for the love of god PLEASE stop sending me this! Yes it's hilarious but I must have received it over 100 times already and it's driving me insane.

So how are all you guys this week? Everyone well? Happy to be here? Me... I'm good although I seem to have done myself another injury which makes two from the last two weekends. You'll probably remember me crapping on about the first one which involved a rather heavy concrete slab, my finger and geyser of blood. Probably not all bad as the aforementioned finger has gone on to provide countless random moments of entertainment as I poke and prod whilst wondering when the finger nail will finally fall off.

The next self-inflicted infliction came after [or is it during] mixing a wheelbarrow full of cement... actually it wasn't full - only about half a bag so we're talking 15 kilograms. Fuck all. The result was some sort of concentrated pain in one particular spot of my back. Since then it's hurt to bend, hurt to lean, hurt to stand, sit, lay down, drive... you get the idea. Odd because over the last few months I've managed to build a solid brick wall, dig up and move enough sand to fill the Grand Canyon, construct a mini-Eiffel tower and all without even the slightest tinge... until a few kilos of cement comes along and stops me.

Anyway this got me thinking once again about health insurance. I'm pretty sure the last time I had any was when I were still covered under my parents policy so it's been a few years now. That's not to say I've forgotten about it though... it just hasn't been a priority. Why? Once simple reason: it does my fucking head in!

Every time I sit down and try to understand what the hell it all means, what I need to be covered for, how much its going to cost me and so on it doesn't take too long before I close the relevant website or just tuck the papers under a pile and give up. For the most part I would say I'm a relatively intelligent person but I just cannot get my head around what I need to know. There are so many different types of cover and options and blah blah blah that it confuses the hell out of me. I want to be covered but I don't want to pay for shit I don't need.

Admittedly it's been easy to remain nonchalant for so long due to the simple fact I hardly ever get sick and go to great lengths to avoid doctors when ever possible. But with events over the last couple of weeks it occurred to me that with practically every weekend spent outside using various potentially harmful power tools it's not beyond the realm of possibility that I'll one day hurt myself in such a way that requires an operation or on going treatment or whatever.

With this little revelation in mind I spent half of my Monday trying to get it sorted. I spoke to parents and friends and health insurers and surfed online and so on and so forth until it started to make some sense. Of course as it stands now I still aren't covered but at this rate I think I'm a chance to have it sussed and be insured by the end of the decade...

On to the coming weekend... we're kicking it off on Friday evening with some drinks in the city to celebrate the engagement of two of my closest friends [congrats D & D]. Unfortunately it won't be a late boozy one because I have been assured/guaranteed/promised that the guy is coming to lay down the concrete pad for my carport... something which has me all giddy and excited because it will mean that my car is closer than ever before to being parked under cover!

I don't really know about the rest of it but if I there's nothing better or social to occupy my time you can bet it will likely involve some god damn fucking gardening. One thing I've learnt living here is that one wheelie-bin emptied weekly is not big enough to cope with the Amazonian-like amounts of foliage that needs removing. Oh how I yearn for the subdued photosynthesis of winter...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Redneck Brawlin' - Territory War - Clumsy Woman - Are We On? - Rate My Pix - Deep Inside - Spanish Babe

Bubble Prank - Hilarious Reporter - Silly Boy - Wild People - JackAss - Family Guy - Doggie Style - Beach Lesbians

A black guy walks into a bar with a Parrot on his shoulder, they walk up to the bar and the Parrot orders a Strawberry Daquiri. The bartender is amazed and says "Wow! That's pretty cool, where'd you find him?" And the Parrot replies "In Africa! They're everywhere!"
--
My wife was in the kitchen making soft-boiled eggs for breakfast yesterday morning. I walked in and said "Morning baby? what's for breakfast?" She turns to me and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment". If ya'll know me, I thinking, damn it's my lucky day, so I stand her over the kitchen table and have some Sunday orning sex. Afterwards I looked at her and said, "What was that all about?" She smirks as she smiles and says "The egg timer's broken!"
--
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked but then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

SHEER PERFECTION Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin - Cailin

A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President Clinton is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and Bill go a long way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the White House and asks for "Bill"; he talks for awhile joking and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.

A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Jack Nichlas comes on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like"Yeah, ole Jack and I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full of it so he bets him 20 dollars that Leroy is trying to put one over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking animatedly with someone who seems to be named Jack. Bartender steals a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Jack is talking on a cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it IS Jack on the phone and hands over his 20 dollars.

About a week later Leroy comes in once again and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction. Leroy is like "Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became Pope" and now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet the men purchase flights and head for Rome for the moment of truth because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough for this one.

They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way through the crowd, up the steps, and the bartender is amazed to see him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would be expected between long acquaintances.

Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts to come out of it. "What happened?" asked Leroy.

The bartender replied: "While you were talking to his holiness, some little old lady tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew who that was up there talking to Leroy..."

ORSM VIDEO

Where The Hell Are You?

Ali G In Wales

Dell: Great For Porn

Extreme Vagina

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.

This time, she comes back pretty messed up - she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine... it was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata ?????!!!"

tHE VOYEUR HIDDEN WITHIN Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio - Tanning Studio

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."

VERY COOL... Frozen Cherry Trees - Frozen Cherry Trees - Frozen Cherry Trees Frozen Cherry Trees - Frozen Cherry Trees

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
My email inbox has been constantly jam-packed all week, brimming with some of the coolest stuff I've seen in a long time. For this I thank all of you who have submitted - myself and the several hundred thousand people that stop buy over the course of the next week will be forever grateful!

If you'd like to submit and possibly have your wares displayed on the site then we're big on jokes, pics and vids of any kind and pretty much anything to do with that Ex your desperately seeking revenge against! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

Chris wrote: Subject: Thanks FoxSports Hey Orsm, I'm a long time reader first time emailer!! There I was cruising around my favourite web sites the other day and low and behold what is this I spot on the foxsports website? Didn't even know they were making a second one - but I certainly do now. Kudos on the site mate - Its smeggin fantastic!! I actually got this when I was surfing News.com.au as well... I hope they keep up the good work! -Orsm

Some Stooge wrote: Subject: Somebody Trying to tell me somefing?? This is how I woz greeted at work this morning.... humph! nice way to start the week! :\ hehehe.. I think they're trying to tell you something mate... -Orsm

Frank Nastasi wrote: Subject: CYCLONE LARRY (from the eye of the storm) Hey Orsm! I am up here in Far North QLD and have just survived the distruction of CYCLONE LAZZA!! Although we had it pretty easy where I am (about 45 minutes inland from Cairns) there were still strong winds which caused fallen trees and flooded cause-ways!! Attached is a pick of what the winds did at the Cairns Airport. BTW-> Your site is ORSM

Mark wrote: Subject: RS Went to France at the weekend to find my great-grandfathers grave - he died in the Somme in 1918. Puchevillers is only a small graveyard compared to some in the area, with 1756 graves, over 400 of which are of Australian servicemen. Attached a pic for you to use if you want ..

<with held> wrote: Subject: Twin Airbag Model from Hyundai Hi Mr. Orsm, I know you must get heaps of request to put stuff on your site, but I'm begging you to put this photo I took at the Brisbane International Motor Show 2005 she was one of the highlights of the show - as I heard from some staff at the show apparently this is the new "Twin Airbag Model from Hyundai".

Dark Lord wrote: Subject: titties Gudday Mate, A few weeks ago I went to the "Fremantle International Beer Festival" and snapped a few photos of the beauties there on the day, a few of the pics I believe are post worthy.... so post away if u like :) Despite the excrutiating heat on that day I'm now almost sad I missed it. Gotta love Perth girls... -Orsm

turk wrote: Subject: This one must have hurt!! Hello MR O. One of our friends went on a trip to France a few years ago and took some pictures of (no not some one elses bike) His own bike after he had tried to destroy a caravan with it. I reckon he did a pretty good job aswell. Believe it or not he actually walked away from this without a scratch. The caravan owner for some reason didn't see the big yellow motorcycle coming towards it and decided to put out in front of it. FUCKIN CARAVAN DRIVERS SHOULD BE A MORE CAREFULL AND LOOK OUT FOR MOTORBIKES!!!

Austin Reed wrote: Subject: Random Spring Break Stuff Hey what's up, I have a few random pics from our trip to South Padre over Spring Break, Enjoy! (they might need to be resized btw)

Pyry wrote: Subject: Media For The Masses don't know, if you've got this already... bye, bye, Berlusconi (the italian prime minister, known for his "culinary" taste) Mmmm TASTY! -Orsm

Big Nic wrote: Subject: broom game Hey Orsm, Don't know if you're familiar with the broom game (10 spins then jump over the broom) but here's a drunk mates attempt. Enjoy.

Hugo Potts wrote: Subject: Dolly take-off Thought you might like to see what kind of aviation things they do in the Great White North. You have seen hundreds of float planes come and go...but bet you haven't seen one take off like this. Video was taken in Prince George, British Columbia. You have got to give the pilot full marks for guts. I imagine you only get one shot at this... notice the fire truck following them... they obviously had a few doubts themselves. When a floatplane is landed on the grass and taken to the hangar for maintenance, obviously it has to depart once again. Landing a floatplane on grass is easier than becoming airborne on grass. This is where "Dolly" comes in. Put the aircraft on a "dolly", fire it up, tow it down the runway, and, once a certain speed is attained, push the throttle to "Warp Factor 9", and you are airborne. Here is how the good people at Hill Aircraft Service Ltd. in Prince George, B.C., accomplish a "dolly take-off"!

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fagot." "Oh really? Hmm... didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a fagot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."

The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fagot!" "Oh, Wow, I didn't know that. Thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right - he's unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I'll really piss him off, you just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said... "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Aye, that's what your buddies were just telling me..."

CREATIVE MARKETING Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads - Cool Ads

An elderly man in North Queensland owned a large property. He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He called out and made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the crocodile..."

Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.

ALL SITE ACCESS GIVES YOU THE HOTTEST TICKET ON THE NET! ACCESS TO 12 OF THE BEST
PORN SITES THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT! THIS IS TRULY A BACKSTAGE PASS TO
SOME WILD, WILD ACTION! CLICK HERE TO COME CHECK IT OUT NOW!

RANDOM SHITE Believe me when I tell you that RS is where it all happens. You wanna know why? I'll tell you... it's because you never know what the hell you're going to get. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job; Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

No. 3 samurai stepped forward, released a fly, and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but continued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. But circumcision - that takes skill!"

THE FREAKS COME OUT Freak Parade - Freak Parade - Freak Parade - Freak Parade - Freak Parade Freak Parade - Freak Parade - Freak Parade

A man walks into the bank of Ireland and shouts to the woman at the counter: "I want to open a fucking bank account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you - what did you say?" "Listen up, you fuck. I said I want to open a fucking bank account - right now!!" demands the man.

The shocked woman remembers her training and says "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank, I will get you my Manager".

The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking problem" the man says. "I just won 15 million dollars in the fucking lotto and I just want to open a fucking bank account, you stupid fuck... is that okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat ugly bitch giving you a hard time?"

ORSM VIDEO

Magic Cyrill

Potato Peeler

Bike Stacks

Coffee For Wankers

Okay girls and boys its time to proclaim this update as done. The last few days compiling this bad boy have been long and arduous and I look forward to waking up tomorrow without the first thought to race through my head being something along the lines of "how on Earth am I going to get the update finished on time?".

In case you were wondering, I will return next Thursday with a whole new update and a whole lot more of what you guys come here for and all I will ask in return is that you spend your spare time telling the world why they should visit O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and where the bloody hell are you? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Any of you boys seen an aircraft carrier around here?

Not to pat myself on the back or congratulate myself [too much] but I don't know how I do it sometimes. Remember Sliders? Where at the end they always miraculously reunite, get the timer back and manage to slide to the next dimension on time? I swear my updates are exactly the same... mid-afternoon EVERY Thursday it looks like I have no hope of getting the update finished, I stress out, do the impossible and then SOMEHOW it suddenly all comes together. Maybe I should do a TV show based around my life...? I'd watch it...

Now for a recap of the week's events... last weekend was a bit frustrating although I will admit this was entirely of my own doing. The first half of Saturday was spent doing what I will loosely describe as work - basically myself and Orsmnet tech wizard Honer sat around and worked out some shit that we have planned for the coming months. After that it was action stations... time to fire up and finish repairing the little footpath that borders my carport.

All was going well to start but after not too long karma kicked in and decided to spank me. You see I had the angle grinder out to cut the concrete slabs to size. As you would expect this generates a fair amount of dust and with a slight wind it ends up being blown every which way... with one of those ways being out the front towards where my neighbour was washing his car. Usually I would be more concerned but as you may remember me mentioning a while back I owed him one or [or three] for cutting his lawn whilst I was washing MY car...

Anyway I finished cutting one particular piece, dropped it in to place and realised some adjusting was required so with the aid of a crow bar and my hand I tried to pop it back out. Only problem was that the crow bar slipped bringing the slab [all 30-40 kilograms of it] back down to where it originally was thus sandwiching my middle finger between it and a brick. Painful.

My knee jerk reaction was to yank my hand back and flick it which left a rather impressive splatter of blood across my face. Even more spectacular [all things considered] was watching my finger nail go from white to red then purple in less than a second whilst blood gushed from under my finger nail at a rather impressive rate.

Unfortunately that pretty much put an end to my weekend as far as doing stuff around the house was concerned so I moved activities inside and ended up working for the rest of it. Sad I know.

I did manage to squeeze in a DVD though - Batman Begins. I was seriously expecting a big pile of shit but was pleasantly surprised at how well it was done. Christian Bale was almost as good as he was in Equilibrium. If you haven't seen it then its worth checking out.

This weekend isn't looking all that exciting either. The weather forecast is set for a hot one but top of my list is to finish what injury/self-mutilation prevented and beyond that who knows.

It may well be time to recommence my efforts in the now much neglected garden. Honestly, I thought it was bad before but the entire back yard is bordering on something resembling overgrown bushland. I now finally understand why the lawnmower guy has stopped coming despite the fact I owe him money - its all so fucking fertile out there. Everything grows like crazy and in the lawns case it requires the lawnmower catcher to be emptied every couple of metres. As a matter of fact the grass is so long in places that my fully-grown 46 kilogram German Shepherd is almost lost in it...

Before I get too far into my update this week I need to plug a little book a friend of mine is responsible for. Why? Because she has threatened me with death and/or dismemberment if I don't so PLEASE check out and buy How To Do It Like An Aussie!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Roid Freak - Heather Graham Sex - Chuck Norris - Rate My Pix! - Poor Lil Girl - G-String - Godess - Beach Sex

Cool Monkey Diving - Hitler As A Child - Mini-Michael J - Got Speed? - Foamy - Amateur Sex - Thwack! - Frat Party

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.
--
George W Bush has declared war on birdflu! The US has declared war on Turkey and the Carery Islands. Let's hope he has never heard of Birdsville...
--
News from London: The latest craze with clubbers is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and drink it out of a straw. Experts are now warning of the dangers of minge drinking.

Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi - Claudia Rossi

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: "What do women really want?'. Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants", she answered "is to be in charge of her own life".

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

"Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is: If you don't let a woman have her own way things are going to get ugly!

ORSM VIDEO

Chopper Does Bingo

How Not To Land A Helo

Schumacher Carves It Up

Pamela David

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster... Have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal toaster/griller).

Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Cathedral City cheese recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my cheese slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And please - do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore

IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia - Animalia

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
My inbox has been its usual hive of activity lately... to the point my whole computer slowed to a crawl and almost stopped working because Outlook got too full would you believe. You've gotta love it though - of the couple of hundred emails that roll in each day there's always something to keep me occupied.

If you'd like to contribute to polluting my email inbox even more and possibly have whatever you send in featured on the site then we're always ecstatic to receive pics, vids, joke, stories and anything pretty much anything else you can attach to an email. All you must do is click here.

Purky wrote: Subject: TWINS - Aren't they absolutely gorgeous!!! A mixed-race British mom gave birth to twins recently - one of each. No, not a boy and a girl. Two girls - one black, the other white. The odds of such a birth are about a million to one, experts said. "It was a shock when I realized that my twins were two different colors," Kylie Hodgson, 19, told London's Daily Mail. "But it doesn't matter to us - they are just our two gorgeous little girls." Hodgson and her partner, Remi Horder, 17, were both born to mixed-race parents.

Gazza wrote: Subject: Bla Bla I have sent you a picture of my finger job that I had sorted in March of last year.I went to Coral Bay with the boys on a fishing trip and to cut a long story short, I got a coral spawn under my finger nail and the infection set in and after the first operation that failed I said cut the bastard off.Anyway as I said I felt compelled to drop you a line to tell you that you sound like a dude and that your site is awesome or orsm.Got to go.

John wrote: Subject: Sex mutant collages I've done a bazillion of these...as well as lots of other bizarre art. Post these if you like, but anonymously, if you please...Maybe I'll pester you with other stuff, later.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Stupid Ex girlfriend Hey Orsm, my friend found this picture of my ex-girlfriend on his computer the other day, and It re-awakened the RAGE that I had supressed.... As you can tell it was not a good relationship.. I ran for the HILLS. unfortunately there was some collateral damage along the lines of $1500 worth of DVD's that I will never see again... if you could please post this, hopefully that will help to alleviate my suffering... And it will be FUCKING cool!

<with held> wrote: Subject: What NOT to do with your NEW $200K Ford GT Great site I check it every Thursday am. I thought you might want to see what some rich dickhead is up to in Mission Hills, Kansas. He waited 2 years to get this sweet ride. Does anyone want a used GT with only 9 miles on it?

Hugo wrote: Subject: FW: New Mazda 2 (2006) latest version Hi, Mr Orsm. This just rocked up in my mailbox. Times like these that I am not proud to be a South African. Where in your bloody life have ever seen something like this. The mentality of some people in this country is enough to make you want to puke. Actually very %^&* sad..... I know wheels r wheels, but there has to be a limit somewhere. I am not even sure whether this "THING" is roadworthy. Not worthy to be called a vehicle...............

Craig wrote: Subject: Truck show piccies From the truck show last weekend at Ashfield. And some models as well. I doubt that you have seen these..... cheers again.... How good are the models! -Orsm

Numy wrote: Subject: ComedyCast episode 2! Dear Mr Orsm, Thanks for posting the first episode of my comedycast on your killer site. It made me wet. Episode 2 is now online and will be like a blowjob for your readers minds im sure! Ive also hosted them on a page where people can check the eps and can email me. Keep the comedy coming! Hugs and Kisses.

STEVEN FULLER wrote: Subject: my commodore hey there id just like to say that this is a very mad website i enjoy everything about it especially the women on here, i even have my mum checking this site out! ( she's not a lezo either) my car is a power house its a 308 commodore its the fastest car between sydney and brisbane i reckon! please put this on your site i would be so grateful and my mum would be so proud of me!

A Florist goes to the barber for a haircut and when he goes to pay, the barber says "I can't accept any money - I am doing a community service". The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thankyou Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: "I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you - I am doing a Community Service". The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thankyou Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

An Italian guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: "I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you - I am doing a Community Service". The Italian guy of course is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Italians waiting for a haircut...

Recycling Art - Recycling Art - Recycling Art - Recycling Art - Recycling Art - Recycling Art Recycling Art - Recycling Art - Recycling Art

A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?" The constable replies, "It's Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla and Joseph to Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel 9 losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market. We're taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

RANDOM SHITE Do I really need to explain? Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope.

"More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

ORSM AUDIO

Korean Clock Lady

Dirty Turban

Damn Ugly Renovation

Word Play

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? Car Show Babes - Car Show Babes - Car Show Babes - Car Show Babes - Car Show Babes Car Show Babes - Car Show Babes - Car Show Babes - Car Show Babes

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So... You're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

ORSM VIDEO

Chasers War On Breakfast

BMW Auto-Park

Bonding

Hungry Polar Bear

That's it! All finished for another week! I've had to dig deep into my heart and soul to crank this bad boy out but I can say with great certainty that there is nothing else I would rather be doing on a Thursday... and Wednesday... and all the other days it took me to screw this update together.

In case you're new to these parts and didn't know - I will return again next week on the same Orsm station at the same Orsm time. If in the mean time you should find yourself with nothing better to do feel free to spread the word about this amazing site you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your finger out of tight places... Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. If you're reading this you may already be a winner.

So how is everyone this week? Good? Me... I'm in relatively high spirits, alive, happy, yet pessimistically waiting for someone to come along and change all that!

I spent a good portion of my blog last week crapping on about my plans for the long weekend and it ended up being exactly that - long. It all sort of kicked off late Friday afternoon with my brother heading over to re-weld some stuff that we'd screwed up the week before.

Saturday was a killer. I had a little sleep in, pottered around the house for a while then got 'stuck into it' outside. The aforementioned killer was the heat - it was an absolutely roasting 37°C which made the whole mixing cement, laying and paving bricks thing almost intolerable. Six hours, at least eight litres of water and a trip to dump a trailer load of sand later and I was utterly destroyed.

That night was a battle to stay awake. I've worked out that no matter how tired I am I rarely require more than six or seven hours of sleep. Come 10pm I couldn't fight it anymore and I just fell into bed without too much resistance. Obviously it was far too early...

I woke up Sunday at 5am on the dot completely unassisted by alarms or noise or anything else other than having filled my sleep quota. What a pain in the ass. The next couple of hours were whittled away sitting in front of the computer attempting to clear the never ending clutter... a frivolous pursuit you may say.

I eventually got my shit together and headed to the dog beach. The idea was to go early but not too early so I wouldn't be finished up before the dog washing people got there. Much to my surprise, at 8am when I got there the entire car park was packed - people and dogs everywhere. Why? Another ridiculously hot day...

An hour later I was done, dog was stuffed and it was homeward bound. We were supposed to be doing a big group lunch but that ended up being cancelled for whatever reason so I made the somewhat stupid decision to carry on from where I left off the day previous...

Did I mention that Sunday was hotter than Saturday? Well it was... and I have the tan/sunburn to prove it. It was one of those you move, you sweat days and lugging around and laying concrete slabs didn't really help the situation. I think I only managed about four hours out there before I could handle it no longer and immersed myself in a long cold shower before I overheated myself to an early death.

I spent the rest of the day inside the house darting between the safety and comfort of sweet air-conditioned air and slaving over the hotplates cooking up my contribution towards Mondays Labour Day family lunch thing... which - once again despite the incessant heat - was a damn good way to spend an afternoon. There's a lot to be said for overeating and drinking ice cold beer but if I had to break it down to just one sentence it would be: Why can't every Monday be a Labour Day public holiday?

This weekend... I have no idea. I still have to finish the paving that I started last week and with some luck the Grano worker guy is going to come and lay the concrete pad. That will take the whole project to about 95% complete with only some cleaning up and minor electrical stuff remaining for whenever.

Beyond that - nothing! I need some quiet time to relax, watch TV and keep the dog occupied. Okay so we all know that I'm deluding myself thinking something won't come along and destroy all chance of that happening but you can't hate a guy for dreaming...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Mariah Carey's Nipple - Tough Bitch - Flea World - Midget Wresting - Ronnie Johns - CamCuties - On Cock

Amazing Magic - Family Guy - Darth Vader - Censorship - Shake It - Rate My Pix! - Webcam Sex - Savvy Babes

Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other two asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so i will have a boy". The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
--
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar. The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep". The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

THE BLONDE GODESS Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey - Kelsey

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends..."

ORSM VIDEO

Air Strike

Natalie Portman Rhymin'

Whistling Belly

Hungry Snake

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the Congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

"I was appalled. "But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people. "

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

LIVING IT UP IN GREECE Palatial Greece - Palatial Greece - Palatial Greece - Palatial Greece - Palatial Greece - Palatial Greece Palatial Greece - Palatial Greece - Palatial Greece

Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to Shane's tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready. The day wore on, Shane bowled a few over's and the batsman came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared ask about the panties.

Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between over's and gently whispered to him. "Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," Shane grinned. "It's a Patch. I'm trying to quit."

ON THE ROAD IN CHINA On The Road - On The Road - On The Road - On The Road - On The Road - On The Road

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Reader mail is the section where [surprisingly enough] you guys get to have your say about whatever the hell you like. I spend more hours than I care to remember sifting through the hundreds of emails that come my way each week trying to come up with a handful of the best and most entertaining.

If you've got something interesting to share or say then we are more than a little fond of opinions, jokes, pics of your ex, stupid videos and pretty much anything else you've got lying around... all you must do is click here to make the magic happen!

Leen wrote: Subject: Heatwave LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT I WANT ONE !! This actually happened during the heatwave in Adelaide last weekend. Adelaide had the hottest heatwave in over 60 years. Four days of over 40C+

Iain Price wrote: Subject: Warning Orsm, Got these thought you might use em. Dont know if the story with them was true or what: Warning to all police members - He pulls a knife, you pull a gun... Sent from a Deputy US Marshal in El Paso Texas. This fella tried to disarm a guy who was armed with a knife instead of just shooting him. After these pics are finished doing the rounds I doubt that same mistake will be made by anybody else.

Trev wrote: Subject: Who say it doesn't pay to join the union I took these photos in Edinburgh in aug 2005... we thought we had it bad with the freeway strikes... just imagine if our unions see what these guys get on site! It could also be a staged set-up for the Edinburgh comedy festival!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hamilton Is. Bumping uglies on a Buggy Hey Orsm.. couldn't resist sending in this pic a mate and i got from Race Week 2005 at Hamilton Island. this sailor pulled all the right moves with this chick taking her up to the lookout and slamming her into the buggy. note, they almost got away with it if his princess wasn't moaning like a dying yak. wish we could see their faces after the flash went off but our great escape had began down the hill.

<with held> wrote: Subject: happy snaps Hey mate, Photos are from the Brisbane motor show. I am trying to pick which model to purchase ;p I think the ones in photo 5 should be fine, just for a ride here and there if you catch my drift. I think a quote to go with that photo could be "yep, your lights are working" or "are they straight?" Photo [3] was a fluke shot, unfortunately it isn't really in focus because she wasn't going to hold that position all day just so I could get it in focus.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Amy, The slut that fucked me over. (pics) I have stumbled across this posted elsewhere on the Internet and thought it was too good not to share. They came with the quote: "Melbourne, Australia's... Amy. The slut that fucked me over, enjoy :)" Hot! -Orsm

Andrew wrote: Subject: Response to a query, and my cuntribution... Dear ORSM dude, Here's a little something that I put together from various sources on the web, plus some of my own added sense of humour (P.S. ...to our American 'friends' ...this is how the word is spelt ...H-U-M-O-U-R). Cool site by the way!

Mike wrote: Subject: Battle of New Orleans This a a pretty funny video, hope everyone enjoys. Mike from Kingman Arizona, USA

Numy wrote: Subject: orsm comedycast ep1. for your site. Hey mr orsm, love your shit. Id like to taste it one day... mmmm orsm shit. Speaking of orsm shit, Please check out the first episode of my comedycast!

<with held> wrote: Subject: The movie Cameron Diaz tried to stop..... Havenet seen this on your site before. Do you know if its real? Looks like it if you ask me... 100% absolutely definitely NOT Cameron Diaz... but still a good clip! -Orsm

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replies the drunk.

ALL SITE ACCESS GIVES YOU THE HOTTEST TICKET ON THE NET! ACCESS TO 12 OF THE BEST
PORN SITES THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT! THIS IS TRULY A BACKSTAGE PASS TO
SOME WILD, WILD ACTION! CLICK HERE TO COME CHECK IT OUT NOW!

RANDOM SHITE This week on Random Shite... sex, drama, bad taste and... other stuff. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

"Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

DRAIN THE BEARD Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz - Bustin' A Wizz

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a modern woman, her mother runs out and gets her one.

The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah!!". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

She runs in to mum and the next day is waiting for him on her new boy's bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mum can't buy you one!!!".

The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" To which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

UGLY LITTLE BASTARDS Sphynx Cats - Sphynx Cats - Sphynx Cats - Sphynx Cats - Sphynx Cats Sphynx Cats - Sphynx Cats - Sphynx Cats

An Australian Soldier was attending some university courses between deployments. He had completed tours in Timor, and just returned from Iraq. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting Australia's Soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an arsehole, so He sent me."

ORSM VIDEO

Practicing Islaam

The Real Simpsons

You Got The Aids

Peter North Was Gay?

You know what? I'm all done! It's been a labour of love, a mix of emotions and a test of my character but the time for me to call it a night, retire to my bedroom and attempt to recover from the onslaught that is update day has arrived.

For anyone that's made it this far and still wants more then make sure you swing by the site archives and be dazzled by over 5 years of regular updates. If that's not enough then I shall return next week with a whole new update!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and stay out of the sun! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Welcome to Orsmnet. Welcome to Orsmnet.

What the hell... can it REALLY be March already? Wasn't Christmas and New Years just the week before last? Unless I've been asleep for a month or two this year is moving at such a rapid rate the damn thing is almost over.

The beginning of March also signifies the start of Autumn [obviously] but I am choosing to think of it as the end of Summer. I'm not sure if that makes me an optimist or a pessimist...? It's probably safe to say that with Summer starting as late as it did this year we've still got some warm days ahead.

Now please allow me to give you an enthralling play by play rundown of the last week starting with Saturday... the plan for the morning was car hunting with my sister. I don't really know how it works elsewhere around the world but here car dealerships close at 1pm and don't open Sundays so if you want any chance of covering as many places as possible you had better get an early start. We went car yard to car yard listening to bullshit after bullshit. "Hi. We're looking for a 2000 Mazda. Do you have any?" I would ask. "Very popular car. We don't have any but maybe you would be happier in a <insert whatever car they had on the lot>" was the almost standard reply. All assholes I tell you...

After that it was back home to meet up with my brother and help him with the welding I needed done. Was actually good fun to sit around all afternoon and talk shit. All up it was quite a family orientated day. I managed to bore myself to sleep on Saturday nite by watching Empire Of The Sun... that being another one of those movies that I loved as a kid but seemingly don't have the patience for anymore. Seriously - what the fuck is that movie about??

I just about sweated myself to death on Sunday. It was stinking hot and my only task for the day was to fill the trailer with sand I needed to get rid of. Did I mention it was hot? I don't know how I managed it but I finally understand why when you see council workers they're always standing around...

This weekend we have what is the third public holiday for the year... Labour Day. Now I won't bother pretending to know what Labour Day is in aid of but it does mean that we get Monday off. I'd also be lying if I said I hadn't been looking forward to this one for a while too. For the last three or four weeks the whole weekend was planned in my head...

The intent was something along the lines of rest, relax and just veg out. Of course the reality is going to be far from it. Two or three Thursday evening 'social' phone calls and practically the whole thing is already stitched up...

At this point it's looking something like quiet Friday nite drinks with some of the boys, a sunburnt Saturday continuing the never ending work on my carport project and a DVD that nite.

Sunday is pegged as an hour long wait standing in line for a Dim Sum lunch in the city. I think the last time we managed one was sometime back in December and I seem to recall ranting on about how good the crab was. I've promised myself that no matter what happens after lunch I am coming home to clean the house. The place is an absolute frickin' pig-sty. Dust, sand, dog hair - shit everywhere... and that's just the floor. I gave up trying to walk around here without shoes on about two weeks ago.

There's also some home show thing which looks kind of interesting which I want to try and squeeze in somewhere but with the weather forecast set for sweltering hot again I get the feeling it'll get bumped from my agenda without too much of a fight.

After reading through the above I'm starting to realise why this year is going so quickly... all my weekdays and weekends involve more or less the same shit! They're all melding [in my head] into one big long day! It guess it could be a lot worse so I'll just shut my mouth before I jinx it and get on with the update...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Got Some Skills - Jamie Pressly - Nitro Trabi - Rate My Pix! - Royal Rumble - Ronnie Johns - Adrianna Lima

Courtney Cox Fucking - Amazing Climb - Pussy Bubbles - Ginger Jolie - Porn Blooper - Nudists - Black Belt

A mother had just given birth to a new baby boy. The doctors take the baby away to an emergency room, a little later the head doctor comes into the new mother's room. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "Well, we have good news and we have bad news", says the doctor. "The bad news is that, unfortunately, your son has red hair". "What is the good news?" asks the mother. The doctor replies "The good news is that he is dead".
--
A woman is resting comfortably after giving birth. Her doctor walks in and says everything is fine but your baby is a hermaphrodite. She says " a what". Doc says, that means your baby has both male and female parts. Mom says, oh you mean he has a penis and a brain?

PRETTY DAMN PERFECT Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"

ORSM VIDEO

Chopper Sports II

Cutest Bubs Ever

Scar Face

Having A Bad Day

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?". She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862!"

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"

And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes - Cool Landscapes

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
There's some cool shit in this weeks Reader Mail and it cost me my entire Wednesday getting through it all trying to decide what would bring the most delight to you guys. Having said that, there is a tonne of emails that are far too good to be deleted so with some luck I will get my shit together and post them up next week in the OverFlow thingy.

If you would like to contribute and have your exploits plastered all over Orsmnet for the world to behold then we're happy to see anything including pics, vid, jokes or pretty much anything else you can jam into an email... which you can send to me right here. On with it...

Brally Nobbledock wrote: Subject: Ponting Catch Hi Mr Orsm, Did you see this catch by Ricky Ponting? I reckon its the best ever! What an aussie legend! ps sorry i dont have a picture of my penis. One of the best catches ever. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Québec city!!! Hi, I watch your site every week and it was awesome. So, I decide to put some interest thing via the girl who works with me. You know, maybe sometime, it's important to don't do sexy pics with your webcam :) Don't forget, we have also sexy and hot girl in Québec city . See you next week with my pics:) Thank a lot

Rodger wrote: Subject: Pix,may I participate? I've followed your site for a few years now,farout! I'm Rodger {in the hat} my friend and companion is Simon. Seeing our pix posted would be an honor. Rodger with a "D". Gorgeous dog. I want one! -Orsm

Irishtex wrote: Subject: The Human Body - powerpoint I remember seeing a TV special about this museum. These are all real human bodies left to this museum for a special presevation process that lets people understand the innner workings of the human body. Fascinating.... but very weird....

Alex wrote: Subject: Absolute funny phone prank - Speakers definately Required I must admit, Im not much of a Fox-fm listener here in Melbourne..... But Matt Tilley from the Fox-fm Breakfast show in this instance is absolutely funny in my opinion. If you guys dont find this audio a crack up, then your all wankers. Either that or I have a stupid sense of humour. You need to crank the speakers up to really enjoy the prank...... This Audio is titled "Stutter".

<with held> wrote: Subject: Redneckin' it! Mr. Orsm, Here's how we play out in Nevada. We had a friendly little rock crawling competition this Saturday, and here's a few pics and a vid you might be interested in. This is what happens when guys with more balls then brains get together and start drinkin cheap beer. The madness started as one of the local fabrication guys calling out one of the home-built wheelers on a web forum. By the time the event started, there was at least 300 people there. In the end, it was just a few busted up jeeps, and some spilled coolers. Everybody had a good time, and we'll be out doin this again.

Crash wrote: Subject: Masked Potato Avenger Hey Mr. Orsm, Excellent site. I tune in every Thursday for the new updates. Always wanted to contribute something, so here goes. Out here in California we're having an unusually nice February, and I decided to take off from work early to play about with the potato cannon. I live on a sailboat and have the luxury of a large body of mostly uninhabited water right off my bow. Built this potato cannon in about 12 hours over 3 days and at a cost of about US $250. Some local girls who live a ways down the dock and often share a beer or two or three decided I needed to be in the videos I was taking, but I wasn't comfortable showing my face for various fuzzy legal reasons. Thought you might get a kick out of this. The potato travels about 300 meters in to the distance and you can just barely see the splash.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".

Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answers "Yeah, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out!" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!!"

2007 PORSCHE 911 TURBO Porsche 911 Turbo - Porsche 911 Turbo - Porsche 911 Turbo - Porsche 911 Turbo Porsche 911 Turbo - Porsche 911 Turbo - Porsche 911 Turbo - Porsche 911 Turbo

In the nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man. "Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair please!".

ALL SITE ACCESS GIVES YOU THE HOTTEST TICKET ON THE NET! ACCESS TO 12 OF THE BEST
PORN SITES THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT! THIS IS TRULY A BACKSTAGE PASS TO
SOME WILD, WILD ACTION! CLICK HERE TO COME CHECK IT OUT NOW!

RANDOM SHITE This may be one of the best, one of the cleanest, most funny, least disgusting RS's I've stuck together for years... or not. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It will be picked up by boats and returned to the Airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order.

'A' is for African American. All African Americans please rise your hands." Well, hearing this, the little black boy started to raise his hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine, Let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands." Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him again.

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll move on to C. 'C' is for Coloured. All coloured people, raise your hands." The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father pushes it down and tells him no.

"But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we are also called coloured. Why won't you let me raise my hand?" His father says, "No son, today, we're niggers. Those damn Jews And Mexicans are going before us!"

GOTTA LOVE THOSE CURVES Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra - Petra

There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.

The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?" The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle. The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. "Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building out of the bones. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" "That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog screws the other two dogs takes the bones and runs away. "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man. "That's a lawyer's dog!"

ORSM VIDEO

How Not To Park

The Regurgitator

Ronaldinho

Insane Fight

Well well well... here we are again - the end of ANOTHER update and I'm spent. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

God willing I will return again next week with another huuuuge update that is guaranteed to help you avoid whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing! In the mean time it would be just bloody great if you could all spend every waking moment telling the world about this amazing site you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next weekend be good, stay off the chem's and have a good long weekend! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.