Welcome to Orsm.net. $15 for a ZJ.

Hello bastards. How the hell is everyone going? Me... I'm just happy that I'm better than last week. You may recall me complaining like a little bitch about the nasty headache I'd been fighting all day. Turned out the headache was a prelude to some sort of illness which took great delight in kicking the shit out of me up until yesterday.

The odd thing was I didn't see it coming. I got to bed pretty late which is usual for a Thursday night. What was unusual though was waking up a few hours later freezing my fucking balls off. I swear to god never in my life have I been that cold - imagine Luke Skywalker at the beginning of ESB just before Han finds him and that was me. Anyway it took a few hours of shivering away in the foetal position and praying for a quicker death than the one I was experiencing until I finally fell asleep. Unfortunately it didn't end there... oh no no... an hour or two later I woke up again but this time absolutely drenched head to toe in sweat. Gross.

That was the story of the next few days - temperature all over the place like a mad woman's shit and headaches so spectacular that even something as simple as trying to yawn was almost too much to bare. I didn't let that stop me though...

Saturday... I couldn't bring myself to idly mope around the house all day so I got showered up and headed to the local shopping centre to kill a few hours. Can anyone say waste of time? I actually felt like a mall rat - I didn't want to buy anything, I didn't need anything so I hopped between Kmart and Target just walking around like a chucklehead.

The only vague highlight were the odd looks I got from people. Being the middle of winter most people don't exactly crack a sweat without some effort but running a fierce temperature garnered me a few 'what the fuck is this dude on?' looks. Fuckers mind your own business or I'll breathe on you...

Sunday was just as lame. I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to give the house a clean... something which took a few hours longer than I'd hoped but thankfully now everything is sparkling clean. After that I turned my attentions outside - the trees are dropping leaves like they'll never get to do it again and the place was [read: still is] a mess. From there I gave my baby [car] a good wash, caught up with a friend and that was that.

So yeah... boring, boring weekend which lead into a week that I've struggled to get through. In other words, what I'm trying to say, is that I've been far too busy being run over with some sort of flu or whatever to come up with a blog even remotely worth interesting this week but as I have a strong aversion to writing nothing here, you poor people end up with all these paragraphs of utter drivel. I'm pretty sure the update is a good one though so get your tissues, rubber gloves and prepare yourselves to be entertained...

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If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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"Your daughter's only five and she can spell her name backwards? Why, that is remarkable." The headmistress was talking to a parent who was trying to impress her with the child's academic prowess so that she would be accepted into the school. "Yes, we're very proud of her," said the mother. "And what is your daughter's name?" "Anna."

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Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long..."

ORSM VIDEO

Halle Berry Fucking

F-14 Breaking Sound Barrier

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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

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Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

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I've gotta admit it felt like a quiet email week but when I finally sat down to go through it all I was greatly mistaken and what's better is the quality of this weeks submissions - fucking awesome and you guys fucking rock!

For all the other bad people out there who haven't contributed to Orsm.net, I need you to know that I'm currently reassessing our friendship so if I don't see some naked ex-girlfriend pics, jokes, random cool shit, videos or something else of a highly entertaining nature REALLY soon then we can't be mates anymore. Sorry. If you do still wanna be friends then email me here!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Jap and Indo Models Hi ORSM, Whilst lazing by the pool in Bali last week I was surprised when a Japanese film crew with models rocked up and started filming. Model one in traditional ??? School girl uniform doing panty flashes, second model in white bikini doing various poses around the pool and Balinese cravings then came this cutie, primary objective was for her to jiggle as much as she could, as far as I could tell anyway. I dashed to get the camera, why I didn't have it with me, I don't know, bugger it !!! I returned in time to get this snap before being asked to bugger off.

Jelly wrote: Subject: yes, a 2-story house Hey Orsm. I haven't sent you much in a while... Some of your readers may be sweating the summer but up here in Canada we have other worries. This photo of a two storey building in northwestern BC was taken in April 2007 and this snow pack still has to come down as water!!!!This building is the rescue hut at the top of Kildala Pass on the transmission line from Kemano to Kitimat (middle of British Columbia, Canada). You'd think the region had already had enough flooding from the snow melt.

Munut wrote: Subject: My mate a little bogged Hey Mr. Orsm, This is a mate of mine bogged just out the back from his old man's house. He gave me a call which started with "I'm Fucked Bud." I only got a two wheel drive so I told him too bad. I don't how he got out I haven't spoke to him yet but I assume his brother pulled him out. His brother send you a email a couple of weeks back of him break dancing (well trying too) with a horse riding helmet on so as you can guess its never a dull moment he's defiantly my favorite drinking buddy.

Sami wrote: Subject: Just put it anywhere mate... ! Oooops! check the bloke in the second picture! I christen thee the good ship faaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

pete wrote: Subject: Newcastle Storm June 07 g'day mr orsm, here is som+e pictures of the aftermath of the little storm we had here in Newcastle a week or so ago, keep up the great work mate,

Grantly wrote: Subject: Flood Pics - Deerfoot Saw the storm sewer overflow in the May 31 update. I live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada where this storm happened. Parts of Calgary got 3 inches in one hour, I know it doesn't sound like alot, but here are some other pictures of the Deerfoot Trail where only the roofs of the cars are visible in the puddle. This road is the major highway going north and south in Calgary and Alberta so it sees alot of car and Truck traffic and when detours happen as was the case that night and you're a truck driver like me that hauls two 48' trailers going down side streets is not fun. I've enjoyed your site for 3 years and you do a great job.

<with held> wrote: Subject: ex g/f pics Love the site...big fan. Attached are some pics of an ex girlfriend. Please feel free to use any of these pics but do not disclose my identity. Thanks and keep up the great work.

Greg wrote: Subject: F-1 at Indy Love the site, check it out every week. Attached are some photos of the USGP at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway last weekend.

<with held> wrote: Subject: pics Lots of pics; use the ones you like best. The story is that a 90+ yr old female lived in this trailer and had to be forcefully removed for her protection. She survived for years by crawling over the garbage (4feet high in places) to get the food delivered to her door. When her body finally gave out she ate the garbage and urinated/defecated in her “bed”. Lots of dead cats and other things all over the place.

<with held> wrote: Subject: dildo chick hi orsm, great site i'm a big fan and all that jazz.Heres a little 18 year old sweetie. My friends sister wanted to know what she looked like on camera, my friend sneeking around found it on her computer. thanks, enjoy.

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second born son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."

A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

ORSM VIDEO

Exotic Webcam Babe

Tiger Spotting Attack

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A guy gets a job in a zoo. The first job he's given is to feed the exotic and expensive fish in the aquarium. Upon feeding them, one jumps forward and nips the end of his finger. Totally shocked by this event, he reaches down and picks up a shovel propped against the wall and twat's the fish with it killing it instantly.

Remorse sets in when he realises what he's done and that he'd be sacked instantly. He looks around and sees nobody has seen what he's done, so he thinks to himself, lions will eat anything so he throws the fish into the lions den.

The next job the guy is given is to go and clean out the monkey house. So he is cleaning out the bits of straw and paper when a couple of the monkeys take a dump and start throwing it at the guy. Well the guy goes ballistic and again he takes his shovel and twat's the two monkeys, killing them stone dead.

Realising the situation he's got himself into, he again looks around and nobody has seen him do it, so he again thinks the lions will eat anything, so he throws the monkeys into the lions den.

The next job the guy gets is to extract the honey from the hives of the rare South American bees. As he's extracting the honey, the bees begin to sting him. So he goes mental, takes the spade and completely mashes the hive to pieces. Now realising what deep shit he's in and the expense of what its going to cost to replace these bees, he again is aware that nobody has seen him do it. So he thinks to himself, the lions will eat anything, and once again throws the mashed hive into the lions den.

Later on in the day a new lion from another zoo is transferred and introduced to the other lions. On walking around the lion pen the new arrival asks one of the other lions what the food is like. The other lion says, "you wouldn't believe what we had today it was fish, chimps and mushy bees.

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A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.

He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season." So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?" "Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

ORSM VIDEO

Great Amateur Ass

Shadows

Turtle Fucking A Wok

Pull ALL The Way Over

Well I'm vamooshed. I only managed two hours sleep last night before getting up to do an airport run and making it back home to start working on this bad boy for 6am. In other words - I'm completely fingered and desperately looking forward to bed so lets start the ball rolling...

- Check out the site archives otherwise Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you off the planet.
- Next update will be next Thursday and I'm not being sarcastic OR ironic.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell everyone what a bad eugoogalizor you are.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and if you get bored hex me on 20330 and ask for Toni Pepperoni. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. It was a year ago today.

How's it hangin' dudes? Myself - FAAAAN-tastic... except for the killer headache I've been fighting all day. No idea what's caused the damn thing but trying to update and battle head pain is gayer than two guys kissing.

What can you possibly say about Paris Hilton that hasn't already been said? Probably nothing but its Thursday and you guys wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my riveting, thought provoking and inspiring social commentary so I'll do it anyway...

Firstly - like most people - I cannot believe how much coverage this whole thing has received. Newspapers, radio, internet, TV and even the programs that usually present real news have covered it - every where you look, there Paris is. But what I want to know is WHY? If you take away her 'famous for being famous' lifestyle all it boils down to is a 26 year old blonde bimbo busted for driving on a suspended license. Not exactly end of the world stuff...

The funny thing about this is we all hate Paris. Ask anyone and they'll you tell you she's an idiot but lets face it - there's a very good reason the tabloids and now the media force feed us this stuff. Sadly though this gets more coverage than things we should care about like 'the ice epidemic', starving children, soldiers dying in Iraq and the Emo plague.

So with Paris back in jail, the world once again safe and judges and prosecutors patting themselves on their backs it occurred to me that they got it all wrong. Paris shouldn't be in jail. If they really wanted to punish her community service would have been a far better option. Stick Paris in a bright orange jump suit and make her clean public toilets, pick up rubbish along the freeway or scoop dog turds in the local park. She learns a lesson, we feel better about ourselves by seeing a rich person suffer and life goes on.

Talking of life... watch now as I segue into my own...

I had grandiose plans of getting away for a few days this week. Didn't happen. Didn't even come close. Annoying considering I worked my arse off last week to get far enough ahead this week that the update would still go up. Even more annoying, I won't get another chance for at least another month. Just gimme four days...

Saturday was a killer. Got woken up at 7.45 with a message from a mate letting me know that his farts stank. Thanks for that. From there it was showered, dressed and ready... except I had absolutely nothing to do. So I jumped into the car and headed into the city to have a look in a shop I've been meaning to for ages. Didn't buy anything but wasn't planning on it so I guess I showed them.

From there it was back up my way to do groceries then via home to unload. After that I foolishly attempted a trip to Ikea. Now anyone who lives in Perth knows that the one and only Ikea here is practically impossible to find a parking spot at even during the quiet times. Anyway the entire place was gridlocked - literally could not even get into the carpark so I bailed that and continued on my way. I swear those guys must just be printing money...

The rest of the day was here, there and everywhere. I managed to catch up with family and friends, walk dog and put my feet up to watch a DVD. Not a bad effort considering I had nothing to do.

Sunday was the exact opposite. Good sleep in, unhealthy breakfast then a seat on the couch until early afternoon when the phone started ringing. By the time we decided how to spend the rest of the day it was half two. And what did we do? Went for a cruise down to Fremantle, stopped for ice-cream and that was it. Spectacular.

Okay time to get on with it. If you're still with me after my headache-powered blog then strap yourselves in for what I am SURE is a fucking ripper of an update. Check it...

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If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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John and his date were parked on a secluded dirt road and started to make out hot and heavy. The chick stopped and said, "I really should have told you this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." John pulled a twenty out of his billfold and proceeded to have his way with her. After a cigarette, John just sat in the driver's seat starring out the window. The chick asked him, "Why aren't we going anywhere?" John replied, Well, I really should have told you THIS earlier." "I am actually a taxi cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

ORSM VIDEO

Sopranos Alternate Ending

Heather Graham Nude

Convoy Attack

Internet Sting

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My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So off the lady goes to get some "Nair". At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and possibly have your stuff featured on the main page then we're always keen on pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all welcome! All you need to do is click here and send until it hurts.

The Game wrote: Subject: Nude Fillippeno Hey Orsm, Been reading your site for years and thought I'd contribute a little something to it. Here's a girl I picked up in the Phillippeens She's HOT! -Orsm

Danny wrote: Subject: fun in the kitchen.. Long time fan, and sometimes contributor.... we've had a whole pig for a cook out in our freezer for quite a while now and the guys had to fuck with it some, after two days someone stuck the banana in it's ass, in the picture it has turned black cause once it was in there everyone thought it was a great addition. And then yesturday while we were getting ready to thaw the poor sodomized pig, one of my dishwashers decided to get a little....

Tim wrote: Subject: EX-GIRLFRIEND Hey mate, Long time fan of the site. This is a picture of my best mates ex-girlfriend, just thought id share it with the rest of the world, Shes just turned 18 and already has 2 kids to 2 diffrent guys. biggest whore in brisbane :D

Stu wrote: Subject: Train crash video Hi Orsm. In case you haven't been sent this a thousand times already.... (that'll teach you to ask). Crash happened at 05:51am, on 14th June 2006 around Kismet / Madera, in California. The Eastbound train (lead engine BNSF 4059) was found to be at fault by not stopping where it was supposed to. That train's conductor also tested positive for cocaine, but the extent of any impairment could not be determined due to the type of test taken.

V wrote: Subject: THIS is a drinking problem! A single guy lived in this townhouse for 8 years in ogden utah, usa. The landlord thought he was the best renter because he never called or complained and was never late on a payment. These pictures don't even come close to what it really looked like. Century 21 realty had already moved some of the cans out, and they had caved in the tunnels that the renter had made to get to the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.

<with held> wrote: Subject: accident pics These might be too much for your site : ) If not, I have much more that I have taken over the years. The pics are those taken by me and have never been posted; you may use them on your site as long as you omit my personal information.

jack fly wrote: Subject: ex here some pics of my ex Big... umm... boobies. -Orsm

Brad wrote: Subject: Folied! Took me 4 hours and 35 rolls :-) Enjoy I see things like this and wish I worked in an office... -Orsm

Ripper wrote: Subject: F1 Montreal Hi mr.ORSM, i decided to send a few pics of this week-end's race up here in Montreal. Hope you post them. If not, it's ok... cause your site still rocks dude. It was a hot week-end up here in Montreal, if you know what i mean. ;-) Ripper, enjoy

<with held> wrote: Subject: bitch says we weren't in a relationship... yeah right.... and i filled it plenty relationship for 2.5 years said she loved me 3 times a day, i seen her 1 day every three weeks..... told her boyfriends,and friends she wasn't in a relationship and i wonder why she insisted i work in the mines..... farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk her

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

ORSM VIDEO

Stunning Red Head

Massive Freaky Cock

Amazing Engineering

Cheaters Win!

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again.

Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got back on.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

RANDOM SHITE I love this weeks RS. It's honestly about as random as you get... which isn't really that surprising considering this section is called Random Shite. I guess what I'm trying to say is check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to perform fellatio!" "You're joking!" the woman exclaimed. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more oral sex for her! So she bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making tremendous banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outta here."

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One night a randy young couple desperate to have sex decided to go back to his house however on the way he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say 'lettuce' and if you want to go faster say 'tomato'".

So they were having a great time getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, tomato". Suddenly the younger brother on the bunk below said, "Could you stop making sandwiches you're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

ORSM VIDEO

I Touch Myself

Scotch & Water Trick

Bicyclist Vs Bus

Emo Dog

This folks, is what we call the end. The cessation of the update, the halting, the termination, the discontinuance. So lets do it...

- Check out the site archives. I dare ya... and who dares wins.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Ohhhh yeah.
- Tell all your mates to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make all you motherfuckers pay. He says YOU are the ones who are the ball-lickers. He's gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once he finds you he's gonna make you eat his shit, then shit out his shit, then eat your shit which is made up of his shit that he made you eat.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and feel free to give me a call on . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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Welcome to Orsm.net. Litrecola... do we sell litrecola...?

Howdy ladies... and guys. How is everyone on this wonderfully mundane week? As usual I've been a busy little turd and I'm feeling pretty thrashed. The whole Monday public holiday thing messed up my shit more than I realised so I've been playing catch-up all week. Add to that I have it in my head that I'm off down south next week so I've been trying to get as much of next update as possible sorted. See how well I look after you all!

Much like last week I really haven't had all that much spare time to follow the news and form unjustly harsh opinions about people I don't know so unfortunately for you guys all you get is several paragraphs of nonsensical dribble constructed in such a way that you think I'm not a complete and utter halfwit. So... with out further ado... onto my weekend which was for the most part was rather lacklustre...

Got an early start Saturday to go fridge shopping. I don't really know if it's the buyer beware fear of being ripped off, bent over and fucked like that chick in Show Girls or the fact I'm a computer nerd but from start to finish, in the door to out the door, was sub-twenty minutes. And what does having a healthy interest in computers have to do with that? Research is what. I spent more time online looking shit up than I did opening and closing fridge doors. Backing that up even further - the guy who sold me the fridge is a mate I studied IT with.

I think what I'm trying to say is that if anything, this has taught me sitting around at home in my underpants surfing the web is way more preferable than driving to countless different retail stores, trying to find parking, listening to screaming kids and dealing with arrogant sales staff that would also rather be anywhere else but here talking to you. God, I love the internet.

The rest of the day wasn't all that exciting. Did some groceries, watched the football [go the Eagles!], a DVD and got to bed at a relatively normal hour. Pretty damn relaxing if not a little introverted but hey - there aint no better company than your own...

Sunday... again nothing overly riveting to occupy my time so we did a trip to the local hardware store to waste some of it. Never ceases to amaze me how much cool shit there is hidden away in Bunnings... aisle after aisle of cool shit that I have absolutely no use for... but want anyway!

After I had that out of my system [and returned home with nothing more than a box of screws] I thought it was probably a good idea to make the most of the sun and wash the car. We followed that up with a cruise along the coast which was just about perfect due to lack of wind and of course high number of quality females frequenting that strip. From there we went inland to look at a house that some friends are thinking about buying which was quite an experience. Note to the owners: your house really smells like dog.

Monday... glorious public holiday Monday. On the list of things to do was build a chipboard thingy for my laundry. Sounds technical huh? Anyway that was relatively painless, we got to play with the woodworking tools and were all done in a couple of hours.

The rest of the day was plagued with friends and family dropping in for various reasons intertwined with raking up leaves now that the trees are starting to drop them link crazy. All up quite an uneventful weekend but I managed to get a lot done.

Okay enough blogging. Don't ask me how I stretched 'nothing been going on' in to all that but if there was an award for dribbling shit I would definitely be a candidate. That said lets get on with this fucking superb update...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?" Granny says "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
--
"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. "No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."
--
The Bishop came to our church today. Turned out he was an impostor. Never once moved diagonally!

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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK!

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "A Blow Job!"

ORSM VIDEO

Beautiful Horny Blonde

Sesame Hood

Kite Surfing Goes Wrong

Toilet Pranks

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Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom where she strips and shows her. Her own curiosity aroused the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me!"

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There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss.

The big guy couldn't help but notice the enormous size of the little man's penis. He said to the little person, "I'm not gay or anything but how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?"

The little guy replied "Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick you up your ass."

The big guy thought to himself "Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass." He said "OK, my wish is for a million dollars." "Bend over" said the leprechaun and proceeded to pound the crap out of him.

When it was over, the big guy exclaimed "I can't believe you got all that up in me." The little guy said "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

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READER MAIL
If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff ogled by millions thus enlarging your e-penis then we're always keen on compromising pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all good! All you need to do is click here and make the magic happen.

Sgtbilko88 wrote: Subject: Attack of The Birds Hey, Just thought this might be a nice photo to show every one. I took this in Wanneroo the our day after we got attack by a shit load of birds. Thanks keep up the good work.

Mr. Mike wrote: Subject: Licenseplate love ya site.... long time reader bla bla... so here the plates from a woman riding her car in front of me.. man, this bitch drove like shit and the plates were absolutly fitting... keep up the good work buddy, you're kickin ass..

Levi wrote: Subject: Grand Canyon Hey ORSM, Love the site. Recently took a trip to the land of Fast Food and Arrogant Wankers, and took this photo of myself and a mate at the Grand Canyon. Too bad there was no running water!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Home Beaver Hi ORSM, Love the site. Attached is a pic of this lovley, very forth coming, easy to talk into a 3some chick that was so wanting another 2 twangs inside her that she tried to intice us with this. Unfortunatley by the time we got the pic, the alchole had worn off and those tuckshop arms just didnt do it for us any more. Anyway, hope to see this up there, I think her current BF is a frequent flyer to orsm.net so he might recognise her.

Daniel wrote: Subject: The most perky natural tits ever Love the site. Just wanted to finally contribute after all this time of taking. I took this photo of a girl I know. I thought these were the most perky natural tits I had ever seen. Best tity fuck I have had. Enjoy.

A Mackenzie wrote: Subject: Fishing Hi, After a pike fishing trip on River Thames (England) this fine fish was caught with a surprise down its throat. Its worth a looksee.

josh wrote: Subject: hope u'll post this pics on ur site Hi, These pics are of a japanese slut thats currently living in Vancouver, BC Canada. She claims that she has been hacked!! Haha.... this bitch fucken deserved it. I've attached the hardcore pics... hope u'll post them on ur site...... BTW, please don't show my email address.

Adam wrote: Subject: some paris hiton fakes what with all the current controversy surrounding Ms Hilton I thought some fakes I did a few years ago might go down well. Cheers!

Your Friend Ray wrote: Subject: Rally Hi Orsm you fuck, your friend Ray here. I took some time out from doing donuts in those peoples front yards and taking out their mothers for dinner and never calling them again to fly down to Canberra to check out the Rally of Canberra. This rally hosted two championships, the NEC Australian Rally Championship and the Australia/Pacific Rally Championship. It was so fucking cold mate!! Fucking Baltic!! Had the greatest time!

Austin Powers wrote: Subject: Crash Footage from Melbourne Tunnel Crash... ouch! Fucking brutal... -Orsm

AN INTERESTING PERSPECTIVE

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... everywhere.

Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now lets see... our government gives out free food, subsidised housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English; Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

ORSM VIDEO

Banged From Behind

Pickle Surprise

Drunken Charm

Queer On Me

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia. "Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable..." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

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A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer he'd made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

RANDOM SHITE If this isn't the best RS ever then I'll give you you're money back! Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he grabbed his mobile and called the supplier's customer service hot line... "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

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A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a check-up. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

ORSM VIDEO

Doggy Style [Funny]

The REAL Postman Pat

Scoliosis-bot

Tiny Dancer

Well... here we are again. I'm absolutely buggered so lets cut straight to the outro shall we...

- Check out the site archives. They're fuller than a fat chicks socks.
- Next update will probably be next Thursday.
- Tell all your mates to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will will show you the pics he took of your grandma's shaven haven.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and make sure over do it at every oppurtunity. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.