Welcome to when we went through your stool, there were two diamond rings in there. That's how I knew you were cheating on me.
I'll try and keep my spiel short and sweet. Shouldn't be too hard - I'm a man of little to no substance after all. The past week has been one of highlights; aren't they all. If I had to pin it down to just one though it would probably be doing the parent thing solo one weekend afternoon. Whilst I was cleaning a poo-splosion/diarrhoea nappy [diaper] up on one child, the other was just a few feet away barfing into a bucket. Priceless. Thankfully managed to make it through without being infected by either of them too. Even got my shit together and headed out for the night with friends leaving the GF with two little hand grenades.
Less highlighty and more interesting... I installed a program [arrgghh I can't bring myself to call PC programs 'apps'] that tracks how far your mouse moves. Vaguely recall there was something similar on much earlier versions of Windows. Anyway so its been running for 18 days and 2 hours. In that time my mouse has moved over 57 kilometres [35 miles]. I've clicked the left mouse button 205,600 times; 32,841 of them double clicks; right button 10,462 times. Also punched in over 201k keystrokes. What does this tell us? Well not much except that mice and keyboard don't get a lot of credit but take see a lot of action. Can I get a golf clap for Microsoft keyboards and Logitech mice please?
Orrrrrrrright update time. This is a big update. Bulging at the seams. There's not much point me sitting here trying to sell it. Get scrolling. So much cool shit and stuff to love. Check it...
I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in the supermarket, and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
--
A stewardess goes to the flight deck and says "Captain, I believe we have a human trafficker on board. There is a pretty, younger lady back there next to this ugly, horrible, fat, old, slobbering sexual deviant!". The captain says "You're new here, aren't you? This is Air Force One".
--
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine" replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa, pay the man!"
--
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move. "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge. "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer says "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind" said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try".
--
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asks for a large dose of the strongest variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription. Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks "Why? Is your dick in that much pain?" "No" says the guy "It's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!"
--
"You just go ahead" the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store". An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows. "Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously. "Well, yes" he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
--
A man to a psychiatrist: "How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?" The psychiatrist replies: "We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub". The man smiles: "Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket". The Psychiatrist replies: "No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?"
--
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
--
My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I did - the middle one.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the scene of an accident".
--
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
--
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client. He said "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news". The art collector replied "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first". The lawyer said "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right". Saul replied enthusiastically "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied "The pictures are of you and your secretary".
--
A boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday. I told him there was no need for senseless violence.
I was out drinking the other night and got so drunk I puked all over my shirt.
I turned to my mate and slurred "Oh fuck now when I come home my wife's going to know for sure I've been drinking". "It's not a big deal" he replied "Just stick a tenner in your shirt pocket, and say that some other guy got so drunk he turned and puked all over you, and then apologised and gave you 10 bucks to get your shirt cleaned".
"That's a good idea" I replied as I was absolutely shitfaced. So I stuck a note in my shirt pocket and staggered home.
The wife challenged me that I had been drinking, so I blathered out "Oh, I'm not drunk... some other guy was drunk and puked all over my shirt, so he apologised gave me 10 bucks to get it cleaned".
"10 bucks? That looks like a 20 to me!" she blurted. "Oh, that's right, he also shat in my pants".
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here" says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No" Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long".
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks, all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented The Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said "Yeah man, I can handle this".
The devil smiled and said... "OK, Monica, you're free to go".
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This is an extract from Hillary Clinton's autobiography 'The Truth Will Always Prevail '. To be released soon...
"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.
Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.
By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice "Sack my cook"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred".
WHATS UNDER THE TOWEL? HERE'S 30+ GIRLS WHO DON'T MIND GIVING US A LOOK...
WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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I went through the McDonald's drive thru the other day to grab a Coke. Stopped at the first window and paid the cashier - a Muslim girl wearing a burkha. Got to the next window and was handed my drink by was quite an obvious transsexual woman. Or man. Or whatever. Not in any way shocking except in my world they are few and far between. This isn't Thailand after all. You have to hand it to Maccas too - excellent diversity and the Coke itself was served with a good amount of ice and full to the top. Overall this was a good fast food experience however I drove away feeling gender confused. Of course I Googled some stuff about genders because what else do I have to do with my time, right? I found the following list on Lifehacker. Its ridiculous, clears not a hell of a lot up but is worth the read if, for nothing else, than to feast on the absurdity of others.
WOMAN: A person born as a female, and who identifies as female.
MAN: A person born as a male, and who identifies as a male.
TRANSGENDER MAN: A person who was assigned female at birth, but now identifies as a man. Some trans people choose to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Others prefer not to, but still identify as a different gender.
TRANSGENDER WOMAN: A person who was assigned male at birth, but who identifies as a woman. As above, some trans people choose to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Others prefer not to, but still identify as a different gender.
TRANS PERSON: This can mean transsexual or transgender. A transsexual is a person who emotionally and psychologically feels that they belong to the opposite sex.
TRANS MAN: A trans man is someone who was assigned female at birth, but now identifies as a man.
TRANS WOMAN: A person who was assigned male at birth, but who identifies as a woman
FEMALE TO MALE: This term is often abbreviated to 'FTM' and refers to a transsexual or a transgender man.
MALE TO FEMALE: This term is often abbreviated to 'FTM' and refers to a transsexual or a transgender female.
TRANSSEXUAL: A person who emotionally and psychologically feels that they belong to the opposite sex. Transsexuals are people who transition from one sex to another, usually through dress, hormone therapy, etc.
CISGENDER: A person who identifies with the gender of which they were born. For example, if someone is born as a female and identifies as a woman.
CIS FEMALE: Cis is short for cisgender. So a cisgender female is a female who identifies as a woman.
CIS MALE: Cis is short for cisgender. A cisgender male is a male who identifies as a man.
GENDER NON-CONFORMING: A person who does not identify with either the male of female genders.
NONE GENDER: A person who does not identify with any gender in particular.
NON-BINARY: A person who does not identify entirely with either the female or male genders. They may identify somewhere on a spectrum.
NEUTROIS: Neutrois is a non-binary gender identity which is considered to be a neutral or null gender.
GENDERFLUID: A person who does not identify entirely with either the female or male genders. Genderqueer: An overarching term used to describe people who do not identify exclusively as either male or female.
DEMIGENDER: This term, (demi means half) is an umbrella term for nonbinary gender identities that have a partial connection to a certain gender.
DEMIGIRL: A person (can also be called a demiwoman or a demifemale) who identifies partially with being a woman or has feminine characteristics. They may have been assigned female as birth, but they could also have been born as a male.
DEMIBOY: A person (can also be called a demiman or demimale) who identifies partially with being a man or masculine characteristics. They may have been assigned male at birth, but they could also have been born as a female.
AGENDER: This literally means 'without gender', so a person who doesn't identify with any gender.
INTERGENDER: Intergender people have a gender identity that is in the middle between the binary genders of female and male, and may be a mix of both.
INTERSEX: A person who is born with the reproductive anatomy of both a man and a woman. For example, they might appear to be female on the outside, but have mostly male-typical anatomy on the inside. These people were previously referred to as hermaphrodites, but that term is considered rude and outdated.
PANGENDER: A person who identifies as more than one gender.
POLIGENDER: Translates to 'many genders'. A person who identifies as more than one gender.
OMNIGENDER: Translates to 'all genders'. A person who identifies as more than one gender.
BIGENDER: Translates to 'two genders'. A person who identifies as both male and female genders. Some bigender people have two distinct male and female personas.
ANDROGYNE: A person who doesn't identify with either gender. They are both feminine and masculine.
ANDROGYNY: The combination of masculine and feminine characteristics. Androgyny can apply to many things - someone's gender identity, sexual identity, and even fashion.
THIRD GENDER: People who identify as neither a man nor a woman. Some cultures refer to some of their people by a third gender. For example, in Samoafa'afafines are male at birth, but if a family had more boys than girls and needed more women to help with housework, they male children would be raised as a fa'afafine.
TRIGENDER: Translates to three genders. A person who shifts between the male, female and third genders.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the countryside. As I was not familiar with that area in the middle of nowhere, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. Singing at the top of my lungs and hitting every key just right.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. Played for a good half hour & when I finished I packed up my guitar and headed towards my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".
Three nuns were attending a rugby final. Three men were sitting directly behind.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said "i think I'm going to move to Sydney. There are only 100 nuns living there..."
Then the second guy spoke up and said "I want to go to Tasmania. There are only 50 nuns living there..."
The third guy said "I want to go to New Zealand. There are only 25 nuns living there..."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said "Why don't you go to hell - there aren't any nuns there!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.
For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis. She looked up and said "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
I heard my wheelchair bound neighbour was competing in the upcoming Paralympics so I popped round to wish him luck.
His wife told me he was training in the back garden, so I let myself through the side gate, and saw him in his wheelchair wearing his Olympic vest and shorts.
I watched him for a bit as he sat there counting to 3 before smacking himself in the forehead with a ping pong bat, over and over again "1-2-3 ...*whack*... 1-2-3 ...*whack*..."
When he stopped, I said "Ummm that seems like a strange way to train for table tennis...?"
WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY AFTER A DRINK OR TWO:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
8. No, you are too young and beautiful to sit on my face.
9. A blow job? No thanks I already have a job.
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands". "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first". "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your feet. The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Little Johnny said "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "Oh God, I'm coming". I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Find happiness within.
-Next update will be next Thursday. How do you know this? Because I never let you fuckers down. Never.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will kill Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and complain needlessly. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.07.19-21.09
Welcome to scab duty.
Have copped a few emails in recent weeks gently pointing out my blogging has been lacking lately. Annnd yep it has. Very much acutely aware of it too. Can't pin it to one thing - its all the usual stuff families with a couple of kids deal with + everyone trying to cram a lot in to their lives etc etc. It never ever ends. So this week I swear I had EVERY intention of righting the blogging thing or at very least beginning to get my words back on here BUT... shit has just gone to, well, shit. Firstly, there were a couple of appointments. One I'd been hanging out for and didn 't want to reschedule. Then late last week I booked a long appointment with a new GP to cover a couple of different ailments. He was running an hour late so he decided it would be a very short appointment meaning I had to go back Monday; again running 45 minutes late. Wanker who of course, charged me twice. The major spanner in the works was the lady who looks after our kids a few days a week cancelling at short notice. Her husband sick so fair enough however that meant scrambling to make alternative arrangements plus all the housework and cooking and whatever that she normally does throwing everything into disarray. Next chuck in a mandatory attendance family get together and pretty soon the work week is down to two fifths of fuck all.
The GF mused today what our lives might look like without kids. Hard not to compare to friends who have gone that route. They get to do all sorts of gay shit like go out to restaurants on a whim, not find a babysitter, any day of the week, eat after 8pm. Travel regularly. Clean house. Sleep in past 6am. And so on. This sounds like I'm complaining but I'm really not. Life is actually pretty great... there just hasn 't been much time to blog about it!
And on that note... here's an absolutely fucking mind-blowingly awesome update. Check it...
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents". "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80". "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars".
--
A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room at the Maternity hospital, and he looked at a cool, and calm older man, who was reading a magazine. The younger man said "I guess you have been here a few times". "Yes" said the older man. The younger wanted to know "How long after the baby is born, before you can have sex with the mother? The older guy equitably replied "It depends on whether she's in an open ward or a private room".
--
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No" she replied "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally".
--
A posh lady has a baby and the doctor says madam I have some good news and bad news. Inevitably it's good news first. I'm sorry to tell you that your baby has come out black. My word she cries, I'll be a social outcast how will I ever show my face at the country club? You did mention good news though. The doctor replies "yes it was still born".
--
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" "Huggies" and "Pampers" while undergarments for old people are called "Depends". Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will! Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
--
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbour turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. "How old are you?" a tenant asked. "I'm 81 years old" he answered. The tenant shook her head. "They sure grow up fast, don't they?"
--
One day a woman decided to gather up all of her old clothes that she no longer wore and donate them. She got them all bagged up, walked into the living room where her husband was watching TV and said "Look at this! I'm going to donate all of these old clothes!" The husband replied "Why don't you just thrown them away. It would be a lot easier". The wife said "But there are poor, starving people who could really use these clothes". The husband quickly replied "Honey, anyone who can wear your clothes is NOT starving". He is still recovering from the head injury.
--
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you are gay.
--
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realise I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.
--
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"
--
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars". "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent".
--
You know the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea? I've never paid money to have a kidney bean on my face.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away". The distressed woman wailed "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead" replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something".
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck".
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150".
A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model".
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go" she said".I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's Day".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place', and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired"Why the spoon?"
"Well" he explained"the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
"If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".
"As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now". I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well" he whispered"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".
SINGLETS: ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS TO EVER HAPPEN TO BOOBS
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SOME THOUGHTS TO PONDER... SHIT THAT'LL KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT!
-What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it? -If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
-Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C? -Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? (like the French do)
-Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. -Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
-The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims". -Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
-100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. -Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
-Your future self is watching you right now through your memories -If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When" you get the answer to each of them.
-Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it. -If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
-Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? -At a movie theatre which arm rest is yours?
-What is Satan's last name? -Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
-Where does the toe tag go on a dead person if they don't have toes? -Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?
-If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin? -Do they bury people with their braces on?
-How far east can you go before you're heading west? -How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
-Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball? -Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
-If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? -Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full of food?
-Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his friend Tonto with him? -When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
-Are eyebrows considered facial hair? -Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
-Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? -Is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
-Why is it that on a phone or calculator, the number five has a little dot on it? -Can yu have square crop circles?
-If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor? -Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
-Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? -What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
-If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient? -Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
-Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"? -If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
-If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? -Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
-Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs. -Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go see a movie?
-Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing? -Do bald restaurant workers have to wear a hairnet?
-Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
SOME THOUGHTS TO PONDER... SHIT THAT'LL KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT [CONTINUED]
-Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space? -When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
-If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack would they try save him? -Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground? -If parents say"Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
-Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself? -Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
-If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? -Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
-Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all? -Do you yawn in your sleep?
-Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on? -How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavourings.
-Do you wake up or open your eyes first? -Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
-Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? -How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it? -In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
-Why can't donuts be square? -What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?
-If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell? -Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
-Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English? -Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
-What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time? -Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
-How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? -Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
-Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck? -Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
-If one man says"it was an uphill battle" and another says"it went downhill from there" how could they both be having troubles? -Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? -When sign makers go on strike, who makes their signs?
-Why does someone believe you when you say "there are more than four billion stars", but check when you say the paint is wet? -Can you cry under water?
-If you blew a bubble in space, would it ever pop? -Why do they put holes in crackers?
-What do people in China call their good plates? -Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
-Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? -If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what colour would it turn?
-Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?
Chantelle goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you".
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing" she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs". The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider by any chance?" The woman blushes and says "Well, actually he is, yes"
"Aaaaah, then that's the problem" the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 75th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said "You know I had a big house built for Mama".
The second said "And I had a large theatre built in the house".
The third said "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".
The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it".
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway".
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks".
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same".
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama".
BOATS ARE A HOLE IN THE OCEAN YOU THROW MONEY INTO... BUT THE NUDE CHICKS MAKE IT ALL OKAY.
Twin sisters in a nursing home were turning 100 years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100-year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera" said the photographer. Yet again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out "OH LORD JESUS! BOTH OF US!? CAN I BE FIRST??"
I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAKES THE NIPS PUFFY BUT I KNOW I LOVE THEM
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's". ''Oh I'm so sorry. Can I ask what happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her".
He inquired further "But who is in the second hearse?" "My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also".
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man answered "Get in line".
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-Next update will be next Thursday. But be warned - one of these weeks I'm going to have a week off.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and turn the radio up for that sweet sound, hold me close, never let me go. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.07.12-20.27
Welcome to always the Padawan never the Jedi.
Have been smashing it hard this week. Have got absolutely shit loads done but can't help but think it's for nothing. Why? Because its quiet. Or at least it feels quiet. Something to do with all you fuckers in the stupid hemisphere enjoying the summer whilst we flounder in the cold one. Also have a feeling that I'm just inventing reasons to reinforce to myself, and for that matter pretty much anyone who will listen, that I'm in dire need of a week or two break. Preferably somewhere warm, where weekday drinking is okay, maybe even a sleep-in past 7am thrown in for good measure. I know it's a lot to ask for but one can dream. Or they can check it...
THIS IS NOT A SCAM. If you're 18 or older and you looking to receive $300 to $800 a week. Go get a fucking job.
--
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
--
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
--
Two old boys got together to do some fishing. One of them brought along a jar of 'shine' to sip on while they were fishing. After an hour or so it had gotten hot and the minnows were moving pretty slow in the bucket so one of them drizzled a little 'shine' into the minnow bucket and they perked right up. So he re-baited his hook, did a quick dip with the minnow in the 'shine' and cast it out on the water. The bait had barely settled when the line started to sing off the reel. He pulled up on the pole, got the fish turned around and started reeling it in. It was pull up on the pole and crank in the slack. Pull and crank, pull and crank and the fish finally came alongside the boat. It was a 30-inch pike and the minnow had it right by the jaw.
--
A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Standing at the teller's window, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write a check. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and says without missing a beat "Well, that's great... that's just great... some arseholes got my pen!"
--
The teacher asked "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?" Mary answered "A chicken gives eggs!" The teacher then asked "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?" And Paul answered "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally, the teacher asked "Well now, who can tell me what a cow gives?" And Little Johnny replied "Homework and lessons!"
--
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde " They're watch dogs!"
--
A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word". The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium. The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it".
--
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
--
A wife complains to her husband: "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?" The husband: "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"
The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word - ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said "Soup's cold". His astonished mother exclaimed "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you've never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied "Up until now, everything's been okay".
--
The sales assistant showed the man the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'" said the sales assistant. "It's $285 a bottle". "Listen" the man shot back "for $285 a bottle, I don't want something called 'Perhaps' I want something called... "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"
--
Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes" replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies". "Wowwww" the girl exclaims "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"
--
Close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, it's hard to tell the difference. It also gets you banned from Aldi.
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks "What are you up to?" Alice smiles and says "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife up safely in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back towards his wife's location.
As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife, and again he hears her yell "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you".
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.
"Congratulations for WHAT?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty". "That's simply impossible son" says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".
Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard... "ED!! WAKE UP! You're shitting in the bed!"
THE THING ABOUT ASSES IS... WELL HERE'S 81 OF THEM - YOU GUYS CAN FIGURE THE REST OUT...!!
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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: DR. GEEZER'S CLINIC. GET YOUR TREATMENT FOR $500. IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $1,000.
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make an easy $1,000. So, he went to see Dr. Geezer.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh!! This is gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500".
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! That's gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young, now down a cool $1000, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything". Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story: Just because you're Young doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir".
The driver says "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating".
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control".
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher".
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine".
The driver says "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket".
The wife says "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving".
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking".
CATWALK NIPS: 'CAUSE I'M A MODEL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual encounters; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a sexually transmitted disease to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop".
"Now John, things could be worse" said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!"
"But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it... my damn pants fell down".
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!!"
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, in Room 302".
The operator replied "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse". After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday".
The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news". The operator replied "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said "No, I'm Noreen in room 302. No one tells me shit!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. What else are you gonna go do? Spennd time with your 'friends'?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Has admittedly been a struggle to hit deadline lately but that hasn’t stopped me... yet.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will put the soccer team back in the cave.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my front lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.07.05-21.14
Welcome to keto Quokka recipes.
Yes this update is running late. It's been one of those weeks. And by that I mean one of the good ones where I got fuckloads done. The update and all its awesomeness and, dare I say it, its orsmness, very much reflect that. So without further adieu... check it...
A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself "I'm toast". A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief". So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.
Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're toast!"
--
The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness? 9.58 seconds over 100 metres.
--
One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked. "Shit, no" Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime". "What about at night?" the doc asked. "Nights are no problem" Dave said "'cause there's two of us looking for it then".
--
The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a strapless evening gown that defied gravity. "Terrific!" said her admiring escort. "I don't see what holds that dress up!" "Play your cards right, dear, and you will" she murmured.
--
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
--
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that".
--
BOY: [calls 911] "Hello? I need your help!" 911: "All right, what is it?" BOY: "Two girls are fighting over me!" 911: "So what's your emergency?" BOY: "The ugly one is winning".
--
My friend hates to exercise, which means the treadmill in her bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she swears by it. "It really works" she told me. "I throw my jeans over it and they get smaller".
--
Q. Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied? A. Because no man will ever have a Chocolate Penis that ejaculates Money!
--
I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C. Got a cripple word score for that.
--
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying "Grandpa, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!"
--
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked "What is the usual tip?" "Well" replied the youth "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great". "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars". "Thanks" replied the youth "I'll put this in my school fund". "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said "Applied psychology".
--
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theatre was ready to close for the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show" the usher said. "Disgusting " said the old lady. "It was revolting" her husband added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights" the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says "Man, where have you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law". "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" "She wouldn't lie still!"
--
Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.
--
She's single. Lives right across the road. I can see her place from my window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door. I rushed to open it. She looks at me and tells me "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I quickly replied "Nope, I'm free, and I have no plans at all!" She approached the issue... "Great! Could you watch my dog?" Being a senior citizen really SUCKS sometimes!
--
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked "Is it on or off?"
--
If size doesn't matter, why don't they make 4" dildos?
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar" he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study" the young man replied "and God will provide for us".
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies" the young man replied "God will provide for us".
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide" replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this... and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered "Another Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans and he thinks I'm God".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant "Steve's Place" and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired "Why the spoon?"
"Well" he explained "the restaurant's owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
"If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now". I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our
you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well" he whispered "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".
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AARON - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff. ADAM - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring. ADRIAN - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons. ALAN - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women. ALEX - cute and short but a liar and a cheat. AMIR - dirty, smelly. pecker is minuscule. ANDY - boring and has a small pecker. ANDREW - gay and still has a small pecker. ANTONIO - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. ANTHONY - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed. ARNOLD - loser. ARTHUR - hung like a slave and celibate. BARRY - lights fires, pinches girls butts and is well hung. BEN - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games. BOB - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands. BRADLEY - thinks everyone likes him... but they don't. BRANDON - good looking but uses girls. BRENDAN - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time. BRETT - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him. BRIAN - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the messiah he's just a naughty boy. BRYAN - sexy, but stupid - can't spell. BRONSON - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name. BRUCE - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce. BRYCE - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week. CAL - immature in a naive way, drives an old Holden Gemini. CAMERON - wanker of the first order. CARL - thinks he's funny... he's not. falls asleep during sex. CARSON - fun to be around and really sensitive. CHAD - cute, sensitive and very studly. only found in American movies no real person has that name. CHARLES - can't trust him, eyes too close together. CHRIS - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too. CHRISTIAN - very sexy and seductive (think 'legends of the fall'). CLARK - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'. CLIFF - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial. COLE - nice, funny, and fun to be around. CON - lies to women and blows up public buildings. CORY - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines. CRAIG - tries to fit in - he never does. DAMON - total loser in a sweaty sort of way. DAN - quiet but funny. easily becomes addicted to narcotics. DANE - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid. DANIEL - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice. DARREN - charming... but sleeps with men. DARRYL - unemployed moocher. enjoys Cheezels. DAVID - total flirt, good heart, funny and well loved... DAVE - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker. DEAN - full of himself and thinks with his dick. DENNIS - either very nice to girls or a faggot. DEREK - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection. DOMINIC - hilarious and will do anything to please. DON - dickhead. DOUG - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts. DREW - bad-arse losers who never shuts up. DYLAN - horny bastard, who can't sing. DWAYNE - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name. EDDIE - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole. ELLIOTT - full of himself ERIC - shy. ERIK - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated. EVAN - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient. FRANK - "different". Missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy. GARETH - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. GARY - drug addict but willing to share. GAVIN - likes bondage, S&M with other men. GEOFF - prefers golf to sex and war to peace. GEORGE - barman who drinks more than he serves. GLEN - the sweetest guy - really down to earth GRAEME - very hard to understand, likes group sex where men outnumber women. GRAHAM - will screw anything; preferably soft furnishings. GRANT - horny! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything. GREG - really sweet and feels sorry for himself. GUY - covers his back, has a small dick. HARVEY - cute but addicted to sex and/or drugs. HAYDN - tries hard. HOWARD - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!). IAN - really popular but knows all the girls want him. JAKE - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk. JAMIE - scum of the earth. JAMES - built like a horse. JAY - very sweet when you get to know him well. JASON - total cock whore JEFF - really ugly. JEROME - gay, but very unhappy. JEREMY - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is. JESSE - unpopular and needs to move on. JACK - stupid but hot. always alright. JIM - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection. JOE - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. JOEL - shit for brains. JOHN - has no friends or life. enjoys killing small animals. JONATHON - think he's good, he's shit. JORDAN - sexy but weird in bed. JOSE - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites. JOSH - full of himself, fun. JUNIOR - hotty and totally good at football. JUSTIN - aggravating, insecure and jealous. KAIN - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up. KEVIN - always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis, really nice to women. KEITH - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse. KENNETH - very, very... anything you want him to be. KIM - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea. KURT - can kick anyone's arse, likes small boys. KY - see Kain. KYLE - hornbag who eats too many corn chips. LARRY - cute but wannabe player with big arse. LAURIE - short and funny looking. beer gut. LEE - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit. LES - calm, calculating, intelligent, sexy. LEWIS - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. LYNDON - can always be found in bed or in the pub. LIAM - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs. LORENZO - fine and dresses in stolen gold. LUCAS - fat loser that dates other men. MALCOLM - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. MARC - fantasises about pretty lights, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. vegan. MARK - wished girls liked him for who he is, not his great looks, mouthy bastard though. MICHAEL - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet. MICK - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse. MITCHELL - the ugliest dog and he don't get any. NATHAN - stupid as hell and tends to make others feel smart. NICK - horny! but really nice. can't get past the missionary position though. NEIL - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed. NOEL - an absolute diamond, sexy, funny and faultless... apart from when it comes to sorting out contents insurance for his home. OLIVER - likes men but is in denial. ORSM - everyone thinks he's a great guy and never has anything bad to say about him. massive, tasty penis. OSCAR - loser, a good name for a dog. OWEN - gay guy who is very naïve. PATRICK - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in pricks. PAUL - drunk, drunk, drunk. PETER - makes women feel uncomfortable. PHILLIP - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool. RAY - cunt. insecure. narcissist. REAGAN - strange as they come. RHYS - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago. RICHARD - can't see his feet balls are to big RICKY - ugly shithead who everybody hates. RIKKI - masturbates up to 8 times a day. ROB - constantly watches porn. is genuinely impressed by other people's fart smells. ROY - total loser and computer genius. RUPERT - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud. RUSSELL - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. RYAN - short but sexy body and even sexier mind. SAM - wannabe sex machine. SCOTT - has serious disabilities. SEAN - has small testicles and no friends. SETH - so sweet to other people but is a traitor. SHANE - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin. SHANNON - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world. SHAUN - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him. SIMON - likes a night out with the lads and curries. talks bollocks. STEVE - popular and funny when looked at side-on. STUART - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed. TIM - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is. TOBY - best blow ever. TOM - cool but can be arrogant. TONY - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. TRAVIS - fat and horny with the best xxx collection to be found. TREVOR - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy. TROY - cute and popular. TAYLOR - gay. WARREN - cool, homosexual guy. WESLEY - great guy and easy to tolerate. WILLIAM - wishes he were popular but is ultimately a cunt. ZACH - sweet and polite and adorable.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
THE MEANING OF GIRLS' NAMES
ADA - blue haired, smells of wee. AILEEN - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic-tacs. ALISON - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off. AMANDA - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. a good shag though. AMY - devious, likes being on top, never stays the night - not to be trusted. ANDREA - small breasts. Ages well. ANGELA - vain, hair style more important than oxygen. usually found hanging around toilets. ANNABELLE - doesn't wear knickers. ANNETTE - she's big. ANNE - looks like a horse, can't drive. BARBARA - shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. BELINDA - pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points. BERYL - repressed alcoholic. BEVERLEY - trapped in an eighties time warp. BIANCA - ginger. BRIDGETTE - eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars. BRITNEY - falsely improved, no use to society. CAMILLA - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'. CARINA - looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow. CAROLINE - lard arse, shaves her ears. CATHERINE - attracted to the older man, needs ironing. CLAIRE - usually neurotic, gives good head, can have lesbian tendencies. CELINE - emits hideous noises, waste of DNA. CHARLOTTE - enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem. CHERYL - can fit hand in mouth, eats glass. CHRISTINE - likes men in uniform, never warm. DAISY - cute but toxic personality. DANNI - should make nice threesome with sibling. DAVINA - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck. DAWN - gets up early, smells of chips. DEBORAH - bites the pillow, uses both hands. DENISE - wears too much make up. DIANE - enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. adds nothing to society. DONNA - 70's throw back, likes cabbage. DORIS - purple haired, stinks of wee. ELAINE - rides side saddle, drinks methylated spirits. ELIZABETH - born to rock, hates chickens. ELLIE - far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth. EMILY - wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies. EMMA - gullible and easily swayed by a good looker! ESTELLE - likes wombles, eats grass. ESTHER - plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed. FAITH - legs met at knees, can't shag standing up. FAYE - wears wellies, can't swim. FELICITY - she'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts. FIONA - female mud wrestler, gives head. FRANCINE - French. GABRIELLE - French too. GAIL - farts a lot, drinks Guinness. GAYLEEN - big wide woman who talks shite all day. GAYNOR - lesbian. GERALDINE - too posh for her own good, likes flying. GILLIAN - dyes her hair green, likes clubbing. GINA - eternal mother, eats nappies. GLENDA - eats children, hates smoking. GEORGINA - wants to be a man. GWYNETH - blubs a lot, wees in the bath. HANNAH - needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs. HEATHER - shags like a freight train, a screamer. HELEN - hangs around with the wrong crowd, kinky in bed, loves porn. HEIDI - the hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins. HILARY - frigid. HOLLY - prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister. IMOGEN - drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed. INGRID - right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles. ISABELLE - necessary on a bicycle? JACKIE - heroin addict, sold her child. JANET - massive over bite, no neck. JANE - babe, I'd drink her bath water. JASMIN - smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats. JEMMA - does anal, wears too much eye make-up. JENNIFER - huge breasts, should shave her legs more often. JESSICA - virgin, always will be. JOANNE - moans in her sleep, can't cook, moans when she wakes up. JORDAN - expects to be fawned over and treated like royalty but wont suck a dick. JUDITH - big eyes, big tits. JUDY - huge tits, married to a man she will never respect. JULIA - innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes. JUSTINE- massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets. JULIE - Jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant. KAREN - huge tits, shags like a rabbit. KATE - see Catherine. KATHY - swallows. KELLY - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing. KIMBERLEY - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig. KIRSTY - eats live moles, can't dance. KYLIE - trendy sex kitten that all the lads wanna shag (and probably have). KYM - illiterate parents - see Kim. LANA - hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy. LARA - action packed, never seen naked. LAURA - likes max power magazine, can't drive. LAUREN - pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night. LEAH - likes outdoor sex, wees standing up. LENA - eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking. LESLIE - likes bondage, hates men. LINDA - teenage bride, can swallow oranges whole. LINDSEY - likes doggy style, doesn't do housework. LISA - will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn. LIZ - long legged and brainy. LORRAINE - constantly whinges, will strip for a packet jelly babies LOUISE/A - phwoooorrrrrrrrrr, boing boing boing. LUCY - strange dancer, wants to marry her dad. MADELINE - drives like a bloke, likes tractors. MAGGIE - trainspotter, likes plaid. MARGARET - lovely mother, very generous. MARIA - bangs like a barn door. MARIE - life sapping dominatrix. likes men to do diy. MARILYN - eats like a horse, out stays her welcome. MARINA - no get up and go, rusty underwear. MARTINA - ugly lesbian. MARTINE - can't act, can't sing, nice tits. MATILDA - likes dancing, mainly the waltz. MARY - had a little lamb. MAXINE - drinks, smokes, swears and farts like a bloke. MEG - cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S. MELANIE - can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely. MELISSA - eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary. MERYL - dances like an ape, doesn't realise. MICHAELA - likes animals, should make a video with them. MICHELLE - wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag. MARSHA - big butt, small brain. MONICA - doesn't swallow, should have. NAOMI - wannabe diva, more of a diver. NANCY - white hair, remembers tanners. NATALIE - eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune. NATASHA - had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing. NELL - hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent. NICOLA - slapper, alcoholic in denial. NINA - stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years. OLGA - you can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair. OLIVE - oily skin, oils up well. OLIVIA - neutron bomb. PAMELA - gives amazing head, made of plastic. PAT - butt ugly lesbian. br> PAULA - transvestite merchant banker. PENELOPE - pitstop queen, likes men to be stiff. PHILIPPA - forest forager, likes wild boar. PETRA - dead dog. PRISCILLA - likes painting as a hobby. is shit at it. RACHEL - amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her cheeks. REBECCA - hairy armpits, orgasms without contact. RHONDA - help me, help me. ROSALIND - the "I'd like to speak to the manager" type. ROSE - can be prickly, good head giver. ROSEANNE - errrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. RUBA - can suck a pea through her arsehole. SADIE - stand up if you're slim, please stand up, stand up SALLY - drives a mustang, fights in pubs. SAMANTHA - loves her brother, has 4 deformed children. SANDRA - shags donkeys for fun, bow legged. SARAH - likes pressed flowers and body piercing. SELINA - doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills. SHANIA - often feels like a woman SHARON - shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers. SHEILA - very big down under SHIRLEY - can swallow a curly wurly whole, likes bananas. SIAN - does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce. SIMONE - used to be a shot putter. big bitch. SONYA - dirty lady of the night. often referred to as a "carrier". SOPHIE - brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset. STACEY - likes cut-off jeans and arseless speedo's. STEFFI - closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect. STEPHANIE - eats muppets, wears brogues. SUE - massive, disproportionate areolas. SUSANNE - should shave more often, wears denim aftershave. TANYA - hot minx, too short. TARA - upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals. TIFFANY - who? TINA - face like a smacked arse, should eat less. TORI - lives under a bridge with other trolls. TRACY - easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens. TRACEY - lesbian. ULRIKA - ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka. URSULA - likes puppies, in curry. VICKY- likes yoga. and women. ZOE - talentless rock chick. prepared to use sex as a weapon. ZANDRA - strange appearance, eats guinea pigs dipped in chocolate.
HAND BRAS - AKA HOW TO SHOW YOUR TITS WITHOUT SHOWING YOUR TITS
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a "Make America Great Again" cap with two beers sitting in front of him.
The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here please, bartender... but not for the 'Republican'".
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the union boss.
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells "Thank you!"
A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.
Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out "Thank you!!"
Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"
"Nope" replies the bartender. "He owns the place".
36 GIRLS WITH IPHONES... WHO ARE NAKED AND VERY, VERY HOT.
President Trump was visiting a school and went to observe one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So, the Leader of The Free World asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a "tragedy".
"No" corrected Trump. "That would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand: "If the floods in New Orleans entered the geriatric ward of a hospital, killing elderly & infirm people trapped inside, that would be a tragedy".
"I'm afraid not" sighed the President "that's what we would call a great loss".
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Trump was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well" says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either..."
Well... umm.. I don't want this to get ugly but you guys need to hear these hard truths:
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily occasionally to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. If you go back far enough you'll see how much my ego has grown over the years.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fuck knows I need a week off but see you guys then.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will trap your kids several miles down a cave in Thailand before flooding it. He's done it before and he'll do it again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my lap. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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