There's nothing like an approaching significant birthday and the death of a few old friends to put your life into perspective.
I used to be mates with this guy in school. Year nine or ten. Don't exactly recall what happened, wasn't a big falling out or anything; he ended up being a dick to me, we stopped hanging out and lost contact. Hadn't even thought about or come across him until a few years ago when he sent me a friend request on Facebook which I took pleasure in declining. Petty but feel how you feel.
So Saturday I was talking to my friends' daughter. She was saying they did a night tour of an old prison. My brain jumped back to the last time I was there - was with this guy and his family one school holidays. Was a fun day and the only good memory I have with this guy. Not to say there weren't others, but none spring to mind.
Then Sunday a high school Facebook group I'm on lit up. Turns out this guy had died the day before after a long illness. Coincidence aside, the comments made me wonder - classmates described him as everything from a great guy to a true gentleman. First I was like 'This is the guy who wiped boogers on my foot while I was listening to Faith No More'. Then I was like 'WTF ever happened to Faith No More?' Then I was like 'Oh maybe it was Pearl Jam?' Then I was like 'I guess you can't hold how someone was in high school against them forever'. After all I'm not the same naïve turd as I was in year 9. Maybe he matured and wasn't as much of an arse to people? Then I was like 'No no it was definitely Faith No More'.
The other death was a month ago. Was a girl basically just in the same social circle way back when. We were never best friends or worst enemies; simply went along to the same parties and clubs and hung out I think because someone was dating someone. Long time ago - who the hell knows! She was a big personality and whilst I remember her as being somewhat selfish, she was a good chick to run amok with. Anyway, the news trickled out [again, thanks FB] that she had died after battling cancer. Gone too early and pretty fucking sad.
There's probably no point to this story. I've got a birthday in a couple of months, still young(ish), and apparently this is an age where it can start to go wrong. [Friends who've departed previously notwithstanding]. This is my own mortality speaking. Sure, their deaths were ever so minutely close to home but can't help wonder what these dudes I once knew were bothered by in their final days, if anything at all. Did they feel sorry for themselves? Did they worry about their families? Were they at peace with the world? Were they plagued by what someone they didn't know anymore would think about their demise? Good chance I'll find out for myself eventually... hopefully very eventually... and hopefully someone I partied with doesn't blog about it to strangers he doesn't know...
Awwright awwright awright. Let's up date. Check it...
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
--
My American Indian neighbour phoned me and said "The smoke signals from your barbeque are really funny". "What do they say?" I asked. "The meat is fucking burning".
--
A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a lift when the redhead happens to glance down a sticky puddle on the floor. "Eww!" she exclaims. "That looks like cum!" The brunette bends over and sniffs. "Ewwwww!" she cries. "It smells like cum too!" The blonde gets down on her knees and dips the tip of her tongue in it. "Hmm.".. she says. "Well it's no one from our building!"
--
A Redneck truck driver picks a dirty BBW woman hitch-hiking. Down the road a bit she says "Pull over jackass, I need to piss". He says "Fuck that, I just got in top gear, you can piss out the window". So she sticks her ass out the window and starts pissing. Just then, two bikers go past and she sprays piss all over them. Down the road at the service station one biker says to his mate "Fuckin' Aaaaa, them truckies sure can spit!" then the other one says "Yeah, but you shoulda seen the lips on the bastard!"
--
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her "I love a woman that does aerobics". The woman replies angrily "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
--
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay".
--
As I stood at the very edge of the Grand Canyon, I thought to myself "There is no more wondrous sight in the world... than a babe with her ankles behind her ears".
--
Just walked in on two midgets performing mutual simultaneous oral sex. First thirty-four-and-a-half I'd seen in my life.
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Not so long ago two good friends from college decided to have a ten year reunion. One was a successful certified public accounted who lived in San Francisco. A rising star in his field, he invited his buddy to fly back to the States for a unique reunion trip. This friend was a fashion designer born, raised, and living in Prague, a Czechoslovakian.
The two friends boarded their respective planes, one from San Francisco International and the other from Prague and the two were reunited in Anchorage Alaska, ready to set out on a four day bear hunting expedition.
The two men had secured an all-expenses paid expedition, every last detail minutely addressed. Hotels, back-country lodging, outfits, weapons, four by fours, everything down to the last bullet was there waiting as they caught a bush-plane flight into the interior of the state.
As with most hunts, there was paperwork to be filled out prior to delving into the woods, and the two friends pulled into the ranger station late one afternoon to sign the necessary forms. While doing so, they made small talk with the ranger who quickly realised the two city boys had never held a gun in their lives before, much less gone hunting.
Working an extra hour over time, he taught the men as much as he could about gun safety and hunting, and before signing off on the last form, pulled a map and told the men about his secret hunting spot some miles down a little used trail. "Fellas, I've been here 20 years and it never fails that there are at least two griz in that clearing..."
The two men thanked him and headed off, ignoring the exasperated smile on the rangers face. Faced with two green as grass hunters, the old hand realised the two would be hard pressed to find his spot, and if they did, the trigger happy buddies would make short work of any scrawny black bear this did come across. Plus, he could charge them the cost of skinning the next day.
Late that night, the ranger was awoken by an awful pounding at his front door. Since he was next to the ranger station and 'on call'. He opened the door to find the CPA from California an absolute mess - blood streamed down his face, his clothing was torn, and between great sobs he managed to gasp out that a bear had attacked and eaten his friend. A man eating bear was of great concern, so the ranger quickly packed his gear, grabbed his bear rifle, and headed off to the scene of the grizzly crime with the CPA.
On arrival, the two men found not one, but two grizzly's, fast asleep in the early morning. One was a trophy male bear, easily one of the largest the ranger had ever seen. The other was a smaller, almost scrawny looking thing, far more commonly found in this part of the state. Around the two were scattered bits of tent, camping gear, food, and a few bloody bits of the poor fashion designer.
Asked to identify which bear had attacked and eaten his friend, the Californian was suddenly faced with a moral crisis. He was reasonably sure the smaller bear was the one that had devoured his buddy. Yet, the other bear was an amazing specimen, which would look great on the floor of his living room. A true trophy male...
"Ranger, I think it was the bigger one there".
Sure enough, the ranger set up, shot, and dispatched the bigger bear and the smaller one ran into the woods. The creature was opened up, and no human remains could be found.
And the moral of this story, my friends, is that you should never, ever, trust a CPA when he says the Czech is in the male.
GIRLS IN THE KITCHEN previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. WHOOSH! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. WHOOSH-WHOOSH-WHOOSH-WHOOSH! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went WHOOSH! but the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said "Circumcision is not meant to kill".
A young Jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university. As these things go, halfway through the semester he has foolishly has squandered all of his money.
So he calls home "Dad" he says "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk". "That's amazing!" his dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $2,000" the young Jackaroo says "I'll get him in the course". So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know. "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read". "Read!?" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class".
The money promptly arrives. But our clever uni student has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!" "Dad" the boy says "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"
The father groans and whispers "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. There is no one else in the bar besides the bartender and this guy. Things are slow so the bartender says to the guy "Hey you want to see something cool?" The guy says "Sure". So they both hop into the bartender's car and start driving.
They drive for 30 min before they drive up to a gate. The bartender gets out and opens the gate, gets back in and drives through, and then gets out and closes the gate. Now they are at a river. They ditch the car and get into a little paddle boat and paddle across the river.
At the end is a gate. The bartender walks up opens the gate, they walk through and then he closes the gate. Now they are at a second river, which is twice as large as the first river.
The paddle boat across. Get to another gate and the bartender opens it, they go through, and then he closes it.
Now they are at a mountain. They promptly hike over the mountain quick and come up to a gate. Bartender opens, they go through, he closes it. Now they are at a 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. They hike over this one now as well.
Then they come up to another gate. The bartender opens said gate, they walk through, he closes said gate. Finally, they have arrived at a cave. The bartender cups his hands around his mouth and yells "Here little green man, little green man!" All of a sudden this tiny little green man comes bee-bopping up.
The guy is amazed at this phenomenon and decides he wants to touch the little green man. Just as he is reaching out the bartender pulls him back exclaiming "You must never touch this little green man!" The man obliges and they leave the cave. So they come up to a gate, the bartender opens it, they go through, he closes it.
They hike over the 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. Come up to a gate, opens, walks through, closes. They hike over the first mountain. Come to the gate, open it, walk through, close it.
Now they paddle boat across the second river twice as large as the first river. Come to the gate. Open, walks through, closes. They paddle boat across the first river. Open gate, walk through, close gate. Drive back to the bar.
So now the guy is sitting there just thinking over and over "Wow I could really make some money off of this little green man".
So he gets in his own car this time and drives himself to the first gate. He opens it, drives through it, and then closes it. He then paddle boats across the first river. Gets to the gate, opens it, goes through it, and then closes it. He then paddle boats across the second river which is twice as big as the first river. Gets to the gate, opens, goes through, closes.
Now he is hiking over the first mountain. Gets to the gate, opens it, goes through it, and then closes it. Then he hikes over the second mountain that is twice as tall as the first mountain. Opens the gate, walks through, closes it.
He walks up to the cave and yells "Here little green man, little green man!" and sure enough the little green man comes bee-bopping out. The guy thinks to himself this is awesome! He reaches down to pick the little green man up and as soon as he touches him the little green man starts going berserk! The man is startled and takes off running away from the little green man.
He runs to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it and starts just sprinting over the second mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. Gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it. The little green man chasing behind the entire way.
So now the man runs over the first mountain. Opens the gate, runs through, closes it. Little green man still going stride for stride. So he gets in the paddle boat and furiously rows across the second river twice as large as the first river. Gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it. The little green man swimming right along after him.
The guy paddles across the first river gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it and then he jumps in his car and starts driving. The little green man all along the way is very visible in the man's rear view mirror.
The man starts to panic so he drives to the airport. He runs up to the front desk and says "give me a ticket to the furthest place possible!" The lady at the front desk says well that would be Australia. So she gives him a ticket and he boards and the plane takes off.
All the time the man is in the plane he can see a tiny, tiny green dot on the ground. After 16 hours the plane finally lands and the man steps off. At this point the little green man comes limping up to him. He is tired, hurt, and exhausted. The man thinks "OK I'm out of options... I should finally give this little green man a chance to explain himself".
So the man stands there while the little green man limps up to him, touches his leg and yells "TAG YOURE IT!"
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa".
The father asked "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do".
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma".
The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moly, thought the father "this kid is in contact with the other side!"
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy".
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life". She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
HOT GIRLS TANNING galleries previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately, and presented him with three numbered envelopes, #1, #2, and #3.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve" the departing CEO said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read "Blame your predecessor".
Morris, the new CEO, called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -and investors- responded positively.
Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read "Reorganise". This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said "Prepare three envelopes..."
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A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet". She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced "These aren't my boots". She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said "They're my brother's boots. But my mum made me wear 'em today".
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked "Now, where are your mittens?" He said "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots".
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and *flex*. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.07.20-19.58
Welcome to get over yourself. Build a bridge.
Have been working like a fucking maniac lately. Haven't had a night off in almost 2 weeks, haven't socialised, as a matter of fact most of my contact with the outside world has been by phone [and have regretted answering every damn time]. Think I've left the house twice. First was to hit the local swap meet in an attempt to buy an old video camera. Umm dude why? Was cleaning out a box of junk recently and came across a tape. It's the old 8mm Hi8 or Digital 8 which means it can't be much newer than the late 90's. This is where things get harderish - I've never owned a handycam or camcorder or whatever you call them and none of my friends have one lying around. Also have absolutely no fucking idea what's on the video but potentially something incriminating or at least embarrassing so hesitant to take off to a video conversion place unseen. Therefore the best option is to find a bunky old camera and watch it that way. Surely I can find one on Gumtree or eBay or a swap meet right? NOPE! They just don't seem to exist anymore. Not locally at least... or if they do they are in the hundreds of dollars. Totally not worth it. You could never argue the world going digital was a bad a thing but when you think of all the people and all the homes and all the cupboards full of defunct electrical equipment, I would never expect that an old handycam would be quite so difficult to find!
The second time I left home this week was for a GP appointment. Got there bang on time, told the nurse who I was and grabbed a seat in the waiting room. And waited. And waited. And waited. About 40 minutes later the doc comes out and calls my name. Had a filthy fucking look on her face and was clearly annoyed. I couldn't help but ask if she was okay. Turns out she was indeed annoyed... at me... for being 40 MINUTES LATE to my appointment. People Doctors are idiots.
Alright let's not write anymore and say we did. I've made sure this update was unnecessarily large today so hope you had nothing planned for the rest of your day. There's a fuck load of new vids and other stuff that will bring great joy, happiness and excitement to your life. Check it...
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?" The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so... I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy". The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection...?" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"
--
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realises something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look "So why the hell did you run?"
--
A guy goes to see the doctor, the doctor examines him and says "I have good news and bad news". "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "You have an incurable disease" says the doctor "You only have 6 days to live". "That's terrible!" says the patient "But what's the good news?" "Its spring" says the doctor "the days are getting longer".
--
A surplus is when politicians can't decide on where to waste all our money.
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REMEMBER *NOT* TO DUCK
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?" "Yes" St. Peter replies "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band it really breaks the tranquillity, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy".
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did". St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen! St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
The woman responds "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck".
SEX IS LIKE AIR - IT'S NOT IMPORTANT UNLESS YOU AREN'T GETTING ANY!
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply "Yes I have a phone".
"The driver of the Yugo says "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says "Yes, I have a refrigerator".
The driver of the Yugo says "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce" the driver of the Rolls snarled arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said "You got me out of the shower for that!?!"
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumoured Magical Notes that musicians had theorised must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note.
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realised there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7".
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WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JOKE WITH A RHETORICAL QUESTION...?
-Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
-My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings. -I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
-I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels. -Bought a litre of White Out yesterday. Huge mistake.
-Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half. -I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
-Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The wife said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep -I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. -I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization. -I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
-The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. -Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
-Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. -Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam program I've seen in a long time.
-My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive" but it's hard without him. -Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
-I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. -I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
-A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy. -I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
-I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone. -A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work. -I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
-I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. -What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
-eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches. -My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
-My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned, couldn't concentrate. -Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
-Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards. -I used to have a problem where I couldn't stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I'm over it now. Happy Days.
-Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. -My wife's working in a bowling alley. Ten pin? No, permanent.
-I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around. -I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
-I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days. -How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
-My math teacher called me average. How mean! -Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
-I've just written a song about tortillas... actually, it's more of a rap. -A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
-Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. -I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
-If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible? -Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
-If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large. -When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.
-What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire. -Dad: I've just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome. Mum: Is it common? Dad: It's not unusual.
-Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet. -Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
-I find it very offensive when people get easily offended. -I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
-My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking. -If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
-Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad" he replied. "You're in Ireland now" replied the teacher "So from now on you will be known as Mike".
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike". "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?" she asked. "I was attacked by two fuckin' Muslims that's what!"
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired however (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER... the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because she probably doesn't have health care and her hospital stay won't be covered visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
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Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camels died". Paddy replied "Well just give me my money back then". The farmer said "Can't do that. I've already spent it". Paddy said "OK then, just bring me the dead camel". The farmer asked "What are you going to do with him?" Paddy said "I"m going to raffle him off".
The farmer said "You can't raffle a dead camel!" Paddy said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead".
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked "What happened with that dead camel?" Paddy said "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said "Didn't anyone complain?" Paddy said "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back".
Paddy now works for a large bank and yesterday got offered to work for the federal government as a Financial Planner.
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next".
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!" Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him".
God says "Send him back up here or I'll sue". "Yeah, right" Satan laughs "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
IMMERSE YOURSELF IN BATH TIME WITH THESE NEKKID HOTTIES
A young man in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around the store. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him in the checkout line and she turned to him and said "I hope that I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son". "That's okay". he answered. "I know its silly" she said "but if you'd just call out, goodbye mum as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum". The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That will be $157.57" said the checkout chick. "Why so much?" he asked. "I only bought 3 items". The clerk relied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. The truth is there waitin g to be found.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I feel I've made this clear.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will come crashing down on you with his full weight. Trust me - you don't wanna risk that! How come? Let me tall you - Ray is so fat that people have mistakenly referred to him as 'them'.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and asstarded bananas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.07.13-16.18
Welcome to the otherside.
I'm so happy with today's update that I decided not to ruin it with a stupid/long/boring blog at the top here. That and my week was just so incredibly hijacked by a whole bunch of stuff completely out of my control that I was highly motivated to find a way to claw back a couple of hours. What im tryyyying to say is CHECK IT...
This bloke walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a meal. Two girls come in and sit at a table near him. "Waiter" says the bloke "A bottle of your finest wine for my two friends here". "Look mate" replied the waiter. "They're lesbians. You won't get anywhere with them". The bloke insisted on the wine and the waiter shrugs and says "It's your bloody money but I warned you". Soon after, one of the girls comes over to his table and thanks him for the wine. "That's okay" he replies. "Anything for you two beautiful girls". "Right" she says. "So do you fancy my friend?" "I sure do" he replies. "Would you like to smell her pussy?" she asks. "Ummm YES!" he gasps "You bet!" So she breathed on him.
--
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow...? "What... you comma empty handed?"
--
The Major Difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has its Limitations. Ironic isn't it? The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever. Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
--
Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb". The teacher says "Very good. Now use it in a sentence". She responds "Buckwheat is dumb". "Now spell 'stupid'". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d". The teacher says "Very good. Now use it in a sentence". Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid". Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate'". Buckwheat stands up and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e... dictate". The teacher says "Very good. Now use it in a sentence". "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
--
If reincarnation existed every man would come back as a spider, just to hear a woman scream "Oh my god it's fucking huge"
--
Two guys are chatting at the bar. "So how was your holiday in Africa?" asks one. "Don't remind me" says the other "I very nearly got myself killed!" "What happened?" "Well, I was hiking in the Savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as it was about to pounce for the kill it suddenly slipped and broke its leg". "Christ, man! I would have shit myself!" "I did. What the fuck do you think the lion slipped on?"
--
A young cowboy was married this morning, and he and his new missus were heading to Dallas for the honeymoon. They were tired and stopped at a small hotel for the night. He explained to the clerk that they were married that morning and needed a room. The clerk asked if he would like the bridal. The cowboy said "Naw, I'll just hang on to her ears 'till she gets used to it".
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latino Mother In Law who live at 1837 3rd St, LA 90023 Blue house. She gets off work at 6.
--
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Tom?" "Tom had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail". "You left Tom laying out there and carried the deer back!?!" "A tough call" nodded the hunter "but I figured no one is going to steal Tom!"
--
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
--
After 50 years of marriage paddy Murphy's wife turned to him at breakfast table and said with twinkle in her eye... "My breasts are as hot today, as the day you met me!" Paddy replied "I know! That's because one's in your porridge and the other's in your coffee. Lean back sweetheart!" Later that evening they go out for a celebratory drink in the pub. Paddy raises his pint and with tears welling up in his eyes, he says... "I don't know how I would have survived without you, I love you so much!" His wife replied "Is that you or the beer talking?" "It's me talking to the beer!"
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BAD PARENTING
It's no secret that sometimes our little angels are little cunts. They push and push and push and it can take a miracle not to snap and do something we regret. Common sense usually kicks in somewhere before long the storm blows over. And that's parenting for most part... but not everyone is made to be a mum or dad. They don't have the skills to handle their little angels so when it all goes bad, bad things happen...
-A 27-year-old stepmother and 46-year-old grandmother tasked with looking after a 9-year-old girl whilst dad was overseas did not take kindly to the fact that she ate some candy bars and lied about it. Instead of putting her on a time out in the corner, they sent the girl to run around the property adjacent to their trailer. After about three hours, the girl collapsed into a fit of seizures, and was hospitalised with severe dehydration.
-After a teenage girl snuck out to go to a party without permission, her 'Renaissance enthusiast' parents punished her in a truly medieval style! The teen was forced to dress in armour and fight her stepdad with a wooden sword for two hours. Police said he also punched and whipped the girl prior to the duel. Investigators said she collapsed from exhaustion and that the parents told them it was their right to discipline their child however they saw fit.
-An Indiana mother was accused of killing her two-year-old son, during a botched and totally misguided exorcism. Apparently she mistakenly believed her children were possessed by demons. Reports said that mum forced her 10-year-old daughter and 2-year-old to drink a mixture of oil and vinegar believing it could cast out evil spirits in their bodies. It didn't and whilst the 10-year-old threw up the mixture, the three-year-old didn't. In fact, she admitted, she held his mouth closed "for about 10 minutes... until he stopped breathing".
-There's an old practice of rubbing alcohol on an infant's gums to help with the pain of teething. The amount of alcohol (typically whiskey or some other brown liquor) is equivalent to a drop; just enough to numb the spot of the incoming tooth. A 19-year-old father claims to have been offering similar aid to his 2-month-old son when he visited him in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit with a feeding tube full of rum. The infant had been admitted with breathing trouble and the man, under age and not allowed to drink himself per Louisiana law, thought a tube full of rum administered to the baby intravenously would ease its suffering. The rum did nothing to help the baby and in fact sent him into seizures.
-A feuding couple forgot their 8-month old baby boy in a parking lot and headed out separately. It wasn't until the mother arrived home that she realised that the father didn't have him either - each parent thought the other had him. A street vendor found the boy in his stroller. "He was sitting in the sun, on the hot concrete. The little guy was a bit dehydrated, but otherwise fine.
-The worst part is that the mother probably threatened them, but they never really got that she was serious. Mum popped out one day and bought a gun. About a week later she shot her young son in the head. She then walked up to her daughter's room where she was doing homework and shot her once in the head, once in the face. She was going to then kill herself, but couldn't go through with it since, you know, murdering two innocent children in cold blood really takes it out of you. She showed no remorse when police showed up, but was shaking yet calm during her arrest. Why did this happen? Because they talked back to her.
-After leaving her husband, the 18-year-old daughter returned to live at home with her parents. Displeased with her decision to leave her husband, the girls dad watched for two years as his daughter had affairs with men in their India town and was pushed to the breaking point when the girl eloped with one of the men. Instead of sitting down and expressing his displeasure with the situation, dad cut his 20-year-old daughter's head off with a sword and paraded it around the village, telling others of what he'd done and why he did it. He was eventually persuaded by a relative to surrender and accepted a ride to the police station, still clutching the sword and his daughter's head.
-One mum was so unhappy with her son's poor academic performance that she's resorted to shaming the 15-year-old on the streets of their Florida neighbourhood. Apparently the last straw was when her son failed even his PE class. That's when she made a sign detailing her sons abysmal grade point average and forced the boy to walk up and down on a busy street corner for hours on end.
-A 21-year-old new mum apparently decided she'd had enough. She was arrested after allegedly throwing her newborn baby into a snowbank during a fight with her significant other. The 18-day-old baby girl suffered hypothermia but thankfully survived. She's in foster care and her mum was charged with child endangerment and neglect.
-A Parisian dad was upset that his 3-year-old boy had misbehaved in preschool, and could think of no better punishment for the child than to throw him in the washing machine and hit start. The mother was present and did nothing to prevent the father from inflicting this cruel punishment. The grandmother, in discussing the death of, called him an "unwanted child" saying the father was mostly concerned with going drinking the night his son was born.
-A New Jersey mother ended up on child endangerment charges after five of her children, ages 3 to 14, were spotted roaming the streets naked and hungry. So what happened? Mum decided to go out with a boyfriend, so she left all of the kids with the eldest sibling. Normally this would be a non-issue because older siblings are often designated family babysitters however in this case the oldest was a 14-year-old autistic child.
Love this stuff? Well thanks to the miracle of modern technology you can find Part 1 and Part 2 deep within the Orsm Archives.
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass".
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated "You come with us also".
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well" the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you". The lawyer replied "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store where they found three sacks to hide in.
When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
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The Pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood in front of the congregation after the service on Sunday and asked for a pay rise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his salary.
After 6 children this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold a meeting to discuss the Pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued as to how much the Pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Pastor rose from his chair and spoke. "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us".
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, an old lady struggled to stand and finally said in her frail voice. "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it we wear rubber boots".
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked. "Not yet" She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first".
Thirty minutes had passed and I asked "May I see the new baby now?" "No, not yet" she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed. I asked again "May I see the baby now?" "No, not yet" replied my friend.
Growing very impatient I asked "Well, when can I see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me. "WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A pirate and his parrot are adrift in a dinghy for days after a battle destroyed their ship. All there is to do is examine the small sack of booty they salvaged before she went down.
After about a week afloat, the pirate starts wishing one piece were a magic lamp, and takes to rubbing it. Lo and behold, a genie appears!
This particular genie, though, says she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving it much thought, the pirate blurts out "Make the entire ocean into rum!"
The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into delicious pirate juice.
The parrot cocks his head, looks at the ocean, looks hard at the pirate, and squawks "Aye, nice going, genius! Now we have to pee in the boat!"
On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really FEEL like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a business man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman" he says.
He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers "Iron this".
NOT ALL HEROES HAVE GREAT TITS... BUT THESE COSPLAY BABES DO!
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of "ONE, TWO, THREE... HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?" The first whispers back "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection". The second dwarf shook his head "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"
Well... a pronounced minimum of a variable in physics.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Technically Millennial but still very likeable.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's why Thursday's don't suck.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will inflict upon you his full weight and trust me, you don't want that. Why not? Well... Ray is so fat he has to wipe his butt with A3 paper.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and working hard or hardly working...? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.07.06-19.40
Welcome to Fhloston Paradise!
Shoes. Fucking hate shoes. Made the mistake of finally wearing my everyday pair out... and by wearing out I don't mean in public; I mean... wore out... as in... ah fuck it you get me. They are falling apart at the seams. My trusty, much hated Merrells have been heading in that direction for a while but because I have a very strong dislike for shoe shopping, can't easily find styles I like, or if I can, don't come in my size, or if they do, aren't comfortable, or if they are I still want some more options to compare to, it all becomes an tedious experience. Kids take note: this is what happens when you wear shorts to work.
Anyway, I digress. The mistake came from wearing the Merrells beyond their usable life because they were expensive and I was too busy avoiding finding replacements. The cost of this mistake manifested as a foot injury - strained plantar whatyamacallit muscle. It's functional but hobbling around like a fuck. The road to recovery is new, supportive shoes... and a cortisone injection. Can't help but think it'd've been far clevererer to replace them sooner.
So the bullet was bitten and search officially kicked off last Friday. Somehow managed to get away and into the city BY MYSELF... and what a tremendous waste of time it was! Traipsed from store to store, disappointment to disappointment really only finding that the world is full of shitty shoes. Ever wandered into a Hype DC store? Holy fucking shitty shit. They have a big logo with their name and beneath it says "Premium. Limited. Exclusive."... whilst selling the same overpriced brands and styles available at all the other retailers. Can see how easily-influenced teens would gobble that shit up but as a jaded, adult male it just feels manipulative.
Also ran into a girl who was a checkout chick at the local supermarket. She disappeared a while back without so much as a puff of smoke. We always exchanged hellos and superficial conversation; don't think she even knew my name but there she was in a random store returning some clothes. Ah fuck... pretend I don't see her or be polite? Too late. She comes over, says hi and offers her hand for a handshake. LOL wut? Turns out she lives almost an hour away from the supermarket so that's why she quit. Suddenly the joint realisation we have absolutely nothing in common, different ages, aren't friends and are never going to see each other after this bizarre crossing of paths. Conversation suddenly feels very pointless and becomes very fucking awkward. Desperate to exit, I say "I'm just going to look over there. Be right back". Move a few steps away and... she vanished. Thank Christ. Kids take note: this is what happens when you leave the house.
Started Saturday with some Googling and a run-around to shoe stores. After having no luck I set off to a few places around town and managed to stumble upon a cheapy pair that'll get me through a few weeks... long enough to find a good pair that are comfortable, fit properly, that I like... which is another way of saying I'll stick with them until they fall apart and repeat the whole process again. Cheers.
Won my first cage fight earlier... that fucking budgie never knew what hit it.
--
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked "Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?" Phil replies "Yes Judge that is correct". "And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires. Phil replies "I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honour".
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I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me.
--
One evening, three friends met at a local bar for a few drinks. As they were sitting around telling stories and enjoying a few good stories, they each noticed that there was a fly in each of their drinks. The first picked up his drink and handed it back to the bartender to dump. The second picked the fly out and continued to drink. They then looked over at the third and saw him holding the fly from his drink and screaming... "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
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I was in a club last night and went up this this girl at the bar". Did it hurt?" I asked "What?" she said, rolling her eyes "When I fell from heaven...?" "No the car crash, you ugly fuck".
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me! You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner!"
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
36 GIRLS WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE [IS ON THEIR KNEES!]
The second coming occurs and Jesus appears at an office. He tells the staff to line up and he will cure what ails them.
First Jesus asks the boss what ails him. "Oh Jesus I broke my leg 6 months ago and the doctors have told me I'll never play rugby again".
Jesus waves his hand. "You are cured my son".
"Oh wow Jesus you're incredible, my leg feels better already".
Next, Jesus asks the secretary what ails her. "Oh Jesus, I get really bad psoriasis on my hand, especially when I'm feeling stressed".
Jesus waves his hand "You are cured my daughter".
"Oh wow Jesus you're incredible, that's cleared up already!"
Next Jesus asks the temp what ails him. "Oh Jesus, I have a terrible hangover. It feels like my head is about to split in two". "Did you cane it really hard my son?" asks Jesus. "Yes, yes I did my lord".
Jesus smiles and waves his hand "You are cured my son".
"Oh wow Jesus, you're incredible. I feel better already".
Finally Jesus asks the IT guy what ails him. "Well Jesus for three years now I've been suffering from M.E. or as it's properly known Chronic Fatigue Syndrome".
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. I'm a diplomat! Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home".
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "OK, I'll tell him" says Pasquale.
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A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2017 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The dude replies "A 2017 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000".
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders 'What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?' Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It ploughs into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your BeepBeeP!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ray". Ray was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day going here?"
"Not bad" replied Ray the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ray.
"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal.
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming!
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...
"RAY, WAKE UP! YOU SHIT THE BED!"
SERIOUSLY IS THERE ANYTHING THAT BLONDES CAN'T DO?
HUSBAND: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
SHERIFF: Height? HUSBAND: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
SHERIFF: Weight? HUSBAND: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
SHERIFF: Colour of eyes? HUSBAND: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
SHERIFF: Colour of hair? HUSBAND: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
SHERIFF: What was she wearing? HUSBAND: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
SHERIFF: What kind of car did she go in? HUSBAND: She went in my truck.
SHERIFF: What kind of truck was it? HUSBAND: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam" he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no" came the reply "But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please" said Mary. "Certainly, madam" he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please" Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning, madam. Sleep well?" "Yes, thank you" Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though. They really weren't that nice at all" replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion" said the receptionist.
"OK, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
A big horse and a little horse lived together in a pasture. Every day, they would race around the field near the fence lines, and the big horse always won.
So one day, the little horse said "I don't want to race anymore, because you always win". "Suit yourself" said the big horse.
But, the little horse started getting up early in the morning to exercise. He lifted weights, did push-ups, ran sprints, and so forth. Finally, he decided he was in good enough shape to beat the big horse.
"Tomorrow morning, let's race around the pasture again like we used to" he said to the big horse.
And so, they did. For three quarters of the race, the little horse was slightly ahead, and in the home stretch he started to pull even farther in front. But just before the finish line, the big horse just increased the length of his strides and won by half a length. The little horse, severely disappointed, went off to sulk.
Later that day, a chicken on the other side of the fence spoke to the big horse: "Why did you have to do that? You know the little horse has been working out for weeks to get strong enough to beat you. You could have let him win, just this once, couldn't you?" The big horse looked at the chicken and said "I didn't know chickens could talk".
Well... a shaft sunk into the ground to obtain water, oil, or gas.
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-Check out the archives before the Internet Police shut them down. Fight the power!
-Next update will be next Thursday unless it is not.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will lose his shit the way only a fat person can. A really fat person. You're probably wondering how fat Ray could be so let me tell you - Ray is so fat that when he heard Uber Eats wouldn’t be delivering McDonald's to his area he became very, very angry.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no smiling. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
