Do you ever get to a Thursday afternoon, you're pretty thrashed, the update is almost finished and all that stands between you and calling it a day is writing the blog section at the top? Come on admit it - we've all been there! So what to do? Well one way is to power through and get it done. Another is to post a fuckload of jokes instead and hope no one notices. Actually that sounds like a great idea. Check it...
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air". The other hooker looked at her and said "No, I just burped".
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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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BEER: its never let me down, never cockblocks, only makes you feel shit when you wake up and have none left, it doesn't mind if I try a different one, or have two at the same time, or share it with someone else, it doesn't tell me what to do, beer doesn't complain when you throw it out after your done with it and get another one straight after, I still get upset if my mates steal my beer. and it always tastes better when it someone else beer, there's exotic beers unknown beers and beers that everyone has had, doesn't mind if you swap with your mates or just don't want it for some reason, beer will let you have it no matter what you think of it, you can have it anytime anywhere, take your time with it or drink it real fast, you can take a long term break with beer and it will always have you back, beer leaves you broke but with a smile on your face, and it's always keen for 24 rounds... BEER
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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
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The recently married woman was weeping and pouring out her heart to a marriage counsellor. "Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?" The counsellor scowled. "Well" he said "maybe that's the problem. Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"
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A man went to the medical centre to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married; 2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis; 3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide.
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This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love". The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end. Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem. The priest replied "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says "Let us pray". Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day". So, as directed, the owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priest's parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make love". The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said "My prayers have been answered".
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David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror. After about 5 minutes the driver says "Okay give me a clue". Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?" Driver replies "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!" Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked "Really small, was it?" Sally replied "No... salty".
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
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A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a bucket full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the Ranger. The Ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a bucket full of fish. So the Ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the Ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I'm a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!" The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the Ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
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When I was in the fifth grade I was taught Sex Ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.
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A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mum calmly said "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing - mine is already eating bananas".
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
FASCINATING FACTS THAT WILL LITERALLY MAKE YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS
-The world is running out of chocolate. The world production of cocoa is behind the world consumption. Eventually the two will meet and we will be in a cocoa deficit.
-Many old portraits from the late 1800's are photos of dead people. Photographs were very expensive in the past. When someone died it was common to have them photographed as a commemorative. -There is a black hole out there with the mass of 50 billion suns. The average mass of a black hole is about a few dozen suns.
-The human brain stays conscious for about 15-20 seconds after decapitation. -For every one M&M candy you eat, you need to walk the length of an entire football field to burn it off.
-When in the womb, all babies grow a moustache. It then spreads to cover the entire body. -Japanese hornets release venom that can dissolve human flesh.
-About 100 people choke on ballpoint pens each year. -The world population increases by about 200,000 people every day.
-An octopus is flexible enough to enter your mouth, navigate your digestive system and leave through your anus. -Memories are easily manipulated and you can convince yourself of almost anything.
-Bears can run as fast as horses. They'll also eat you alive rather than killing you first. -Giant otters still exist in parts of the world and hunt in packs. They can grow up to six feet in length.
-90% of the ocean is still unexplored. -One teaspoon of honey is the lifework of 12 bees.
-Over 2500 left handed people are killed each year from using products made for right handed people. -In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.
-When Thomas Edison died in 1941, Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle. -A dentist invented the Electric Chair.
-Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. -Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously - it can kill you.
-Cancer is the second leading cause of death in Orange County, California. Number one is heart disease. -Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
-When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands. -Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote 'Nutrition for Health', died of malnutrition.
-The tiny poison arrow frog has enough poison to kill over 2200 people! -On average, people fear spiders more than they do dying. However, statistically you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by the bite of a poisonous spider.
-Cockroaches can live for nine days without their heads, at which point they die of starvation. -In Erwin, Tennessee an elephant was once hanged for murder.
-About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year. -In the Spanish Pyrenees, when a beekeeper dies, each of his bees is splashed with a drop of Black Ink.
-On average, right-handed people live 9 years longer than their left-handed counterparts. -A murder is committed in the US every 23 minutes, which makes about 22,852 murders each year.
-A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is been decapitated. -In 1992, approximately 750 deaths occurred in the United States due to workplace violence.
-In the United States, poisoning is the fourth leading cause of death among children. -Influenza caused over twenty-one million deaths in 1918.
-Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity. -Diabetes is the fourth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for about 180,000 deaths per year.
-The leading cause of deaths for children between the ages of 1 and 4 are motor vehicle crashes. -Over the last 50 years in the United States, approximately 9,000 people have died as a result of tornadoes, 5,000 as the result of floods, and 4,000 as the result of hurricanes.
-When a person dies, hearing is generally the last sense to go. The first sense lost is usually sight. Then follows taste, smell, and touch. -80% of Soviet males born in 1923 didn't survive past 1945. As it turns out, they kind of got the short end of the stick in World War II.
-Since the 1950s, humans have killed off about 90% of the world's large predatory fish. -18 veterans who fought in our military kill themselves every day. That means more soldiers actually die from suicide than on active duty and fighting in combat.
-A very conservative estimate is that there are between 35-50 active serial killers in the United States at any given time. -Allen, South Dakota is the poorest town in America and is essentially a Third World country. The median income for a family in Allen is less than $4,000 per year. It is part of the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, where a population of between 28,000-40,000 almost exclusively have no electricity, telephone lines, running water, or sewage. Infant mortality is five times the national average, while life expectancy is among the shortest for any group in the entire western hemisphere (about 48 for males).
-In the year 1804 the world human population reached 1 billion. In the year 1927 the world human population reached 2 billion. 123 years to reach an extra 1 billion people. In the year 1960 the world human population reached 3 billion. 33 years. In the year 1974 the world human population reached 4 billion. 14 years. In the year 1987 the world human population reached 5 billion. 13 years. In October of 1999 the world human population reached 6 billion. 12 years. In 2011, the world human population reached 7 billion. Just under 12 years. -The US spends $660 billion a year on the military. The total the U.S. has spent on NASA in its 55-year history is $526 billion.
-About one in twenty people you know do not have the biological father they think they have. This includes you. -The amount of American dollars spent on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars (about $1.467 Trillion) could have paid for solar panels on the roof of every house in America (about 132 million households) saving Americans billions in energy costs and helping save the planet.
-Two in three Australians will be diagnosed with skin cancer by the time they are 70. -Even though babies have over 60 bones more than adults they are born without kneecaps, they develop between the years of two and five. Adults have 206 bones, born babies 270. During our development bones fuse together. The nose and ears never stop growing.
-After 3 days of your death the enzymes that digested your food, will begin to DIGEST YOU! -You have several hundred millions bacteria living inside you and OVER 7 Billion in your mouth.
-Dead People still can get goose bumps. -When someone dies, the last thing the dying person senses is the sense of hearing, then touch, smell and taste. The first sense that is usually gone is sight.
-Over 1,450 species of bacteria living in your belly button. -The Earth is being shaked by quakes over 1 million times per year.
-In around five billion years the Sun will run out of fuel and turn into a Red Giant. -Every 40 seconds someone in the world commits suicide.
-This one is true and really scary: Crucifixion is still an official death penalty in Sudan. -Smokers die on average 13 years earlier compared to non-smokers.
-Hitler led the first anti-smoking campaign. -Exposure to second-hand smoke or passive smoking causes almost 600,000 deaths per year (50,000 in the United States alone).
-In the US 300,000 deaths per year can be associated with obesity. -98% of Japanese will be incinerated after they died. Because it saves space!
-I guess you thought that sweat smell right? Wrong the smell comes from the bacteria's in your body, sweat itself does not smell. -Urine does not contain bacteria and another bacteria fact - you have more bacteria in your mouth than anus.
-On average, 20 banks are robbed every day. USD $2,500 is the average take. -Lobsters don't die because of age, they die only because of external causes.
-In its natural form, Honey never spoils. No matter how old it is you can eat honey. It does not contain much water making it a low-moisture environment meaning bacteria have no chance to breed. -Many mental illnesses are associated with sleep problems. When your sleep gets shorter than 7 hours per night, there is evidence that there is an increased risk for many diseases like diabetes and obesity.
-In the 1920's a dollmaker wanted to make her dolls look as real as possible, she would cut off hair of her elementary students and even skinned off some of her own daughters skin (for one particular doll). After she was caught, she was found NOT guilty, because of insanity. -Before becoming a serial killer, Rodney Alcala appeared in a TV Show called "The Dating Game". He was arrested 1 year after appearing on the show for killing several women.
-Worms taste like fried bacon, wasps taste like pine nuts, and beetles taste like apples. -Farting consistently for 6 years and 9 months will produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
-Apparently, the best tasting part of a camel is the hump. -A human body decomposes four times faster in water than on land.
-Within three days of death, the enzymes from your digestive system begin to digest your body. -About 153,000 people worldwide die every day. But around double that number are born every day.
-You can't die of 'old age', only from diseases brought on by age. -Men who are hanged get a death erection, known as rigor erectus.
-In some cases, bodies develop a corpse wax that can preserve the remains for years. -Forensic scientists can tell how long it has been since death by looking at the species of insect on the body.
-The skin around the finger and toenails dries and contracts after death, making it look as though they have grown. -The Turritopsis Dohrnii jellyfish is officially known as the only immortal creature in the world. It lives forever.
-Left handed people die 3 years earlier than right handed people.
ALL I'M PROMISING IS HOT BEAUTIFUL SWEET SWEATY SEXY SEX
WOMAN: "How many beers a day?" MAN:"Usually about 3".
WOMAN: "How much do you pay per beer?" MAN: "$5 which includes a tip".
WOMAN: "And how long have you been drinking?" MAN:"About 20 years, I suppose".
WOMAN: "So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?" MAN:"Correct".
WOMAN: "If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?" MAN:"Correct".
WOMAN: "Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in an interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?" MAN: "Do you drink beer?"
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked "Why so glum?"
The guy responded "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad" the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here".
"You a drinking man?" "Sure" the man said "I love to drink". "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great".
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble". "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do". "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".
"You into drugs?" The guy said "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said "You gay?" The guy said "No". "Ooooh... you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbour's window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked "Who are you?" The fat man replied "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp". Dylan questioned "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one".
Dylan thought about it and realised what he wanted "I want to be the best golfer ever". The surprised genie said "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish".
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away "I want a million dollars every week of my life". The genie said "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so it's been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan". Dylan said "No way!" The genie replied "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves". Dylan said "Okay, have fun, I guess" and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said "Forty-five". The Genie laughed and said "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man goes to a golf pro for some swing advice. "Well, what should I do?" asked the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's' breast". Taking the advice, he took a swing and *POW* he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson. Being so impressed with her husband's testimonial to his improvement, she decided she had to have a lesson with the same pro, and scheduled a session for the very next day.
The pro watched her swing and said "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis".
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and *THUMP!* the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected" the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, try it again..."
NOTHING SAYS 'ATTENTION SEEKER' LIKE SHORT SHORTS AND I'M 100% OKAY WITH THAT
One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said "Yes, whatever, just get on with it".
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further". The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
The husband became very annoyed and shouted "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says "Every time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say "Washing machine.'"
A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers "Washing machine". The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.
A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he'll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively "Washing machine". Yet again, the wife turns him away.
However, a few moments pass and the wife's needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says "Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand".
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
An overweight guy is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads "If you can catch me, you can have me". As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
And we're done. But the fun is only just beginning. Below you'll find ways to access so much more it's actually crazy. Not like clinically crazy... just in the way that people say "wow that is crazy!" as a means to indicate something is exceptional or remarkable.
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I spend countless hours adding a fuck tonne of the stuff you find here to your favourite social network. But don't worry - there's nothing that isn't Safe For Work which means if you like, comment or share your friends won't find out you're a deviant animal.
-Check out the archives. They're safer than basically any place in Europe right now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I don't care what you say that's when it is.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will give an Obama-style speech about how much of a cunt you are.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and your spelling it wrong. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.07.21-17.00
Welcome to all bitches are cunts but not all cunts are bitches.
I've been sort of complaining lately that things are quiet and uneventful. Not this week. There's been a constant vibe of whatever at every turn. At times has felt a little like the world is falling apart but that could be the sleep deprivation talking. That's how sick toddlers roll though. I think we're going on week 4 of a poo/spew virus that just won't quite go away. It returned at 1am last night and subsequently there was a vomit trail from the bed to the toilet to the bathroom. Have lost track of how many times I've had to clean and disinfect stuff recently. If anything I'm actually getting quite good at cleaning it up. Like if there was an award for explosive baby waste clean-up I'd be a very strong chance. Even the baby car seat... that fucker used to take me upwards of an hour *trying* to reassemble after a 'purge' incident; now I have it back together and secured in about 3 minutes. This dad shit is easy AF...
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
Another highlight was the druggo I stopped breaking into our car. Monday morning, I walked into my office and saw a guy outside on the driveway. Just standing there, staring at the footpath, not moving. Basically your typical meth... probably wondering how to get on. This goes on for a minute or so when he snaps out of his catatonic state and tries the door handle. I scream for him to fuck off which he does, muttering "I'm leavin', I'm leavin'" before reappearing soon after walking dangerously close to the garbage truck emptying bins on our street. Almost nailed him with three of them, unfortunately moved out of the way before it connected with one. I got on the phone to the cops as he began casing out neighbours houses and garages, even rifled through someone's boat. Followed him for a while but the cops never showed up nor contacted me back so assume he was unsuccessful. On the other hand, maybe not. The fuckwit rear neighbours, who as you guys know we despise, their TV disappeared from where it usually sits on the same day. Sure it could just have been moved to somewhere else in the house but part of me, a big part, hopes they got robbed...
Next, have been forced to change the Orsm video player. Received a polite email from the company who provides the software saying I'm violating their ToS. Now I'm not that big on watching stats too closely because you go insane doing so. Numbers go down a bit and you start wondering how you'll feed yourself; go up and you suddenly it's a decision of what colour Porsche to buy. And so on. Did some checking and you guys are indeed wolfing down the videos. Like fuckloads more than the plan covers. Okay so whilst that makes me sound like a bad person, I'm actually only using 1 feature of the many I'm paying for. In other words it probably balances out. If anything it's the wrong software to be using. Anyway they asked me to upgrade to an enterprise plan and enterprise pricing which *starts* at 20 times what I'm currently paying... and also includes a bunch more features that I have no use for. Cant fault a company for trying to, you know, make money from their products. Also understandable that it's a massive and unfeasible increase. The solution was to change the player... which I've done... today... with the aid of a surprisingly competent developer. Despite a minute difference in how the seek bar looks, there's basically no difference but if you guys experience any problems then please feed my back here with as much info as possible so we can troubleshoot.
Alrighty then. So much for not writing anything today. I had a huge bunch of jokes ready to take this bloggy sections place because after the hijacking that has gone on in my world over the past 24 hours, it simply wasn't going to happen. Yet somehow it did... so let's quit while I'm ahead. I'll just say todays update is stellar. Easily the best one to ever come out of the update incubator. Even better than the one that had all those things that time which were really entertaining and funny and unforgettable. Remember that? Good times they suuure were. Check it...
An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark. "Because I recognised it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago". "Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark. "Yes..." said the elephant "turtle recall".
--
One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied "I'm trying to blow the horn".
--
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out. "They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette". The ambassador looked pained and said "Russian roulette is a dangerous game". "Right, that's why we invented African roulette, would you like to play?" "I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in, the diplomat explained "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex". "That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..." "Not really. One of them is a cannibal!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why...
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off?... I think not.
WHAT'S BETTER THAN A VAGINA SLIP? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I then attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was no future in it. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading "Don't
miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts - animals, clowns, contortionists, etc.
Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet, five inches tall, and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out an impressive prodigious member, grabs it in his hand, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.
Ten years later, the same salesman visits the same little town and sees the same circus being advertised with the same (now faded) banner reading "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" The salesman can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act! So, he buys a ticket and sits through the various acts, waiting for the big finale.
Finally, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing schlong. The crowd goes wild!
The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like Goldstein's act. But, he wants to know why Goldstein, at his age, is now smashing large coconuts instead of the much smaller walnuts.
"Vell" says Goldstein, wearily "My eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
33 GORGEOUS GIRLS WHO KNOW THE VALUE OF A SANDY CRACK
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Here's your first question" the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat dere is easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "You no see it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the
Rasta. "Fair enough" says the boss.
"Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99".
The Rasta stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go"
The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees him dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got brain?"
The boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to have to hire this Rasta, so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "Ere you go, mon. One hundred".
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says "A little dog come along, seen, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... so when I start, boss?"
EVER WONDER WHAT THAT GIRL LOOKS LIKE UNCLOTHED...? WONDER NO MORE...
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous 'new age' holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away". The doctor replied "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do - go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish".
As she leaves the doctor's office, sceptical but curious at the same time, she tries the manoeuvre in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..." She has barely said it four times, when she realises her headache is gone.
Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it..." "When was the last time you two had sex?" "About eight years ago". "Send him over".
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.
A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around. He was trying to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies".
The farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse".
The trooper says "Oh!" and goes back to writing the ticket. After a bit he stops and says "Hey! Wait a minute! Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass".
"Well, that's a good thing" says the trooper, and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says "Hard to fool them flies though!"
CAPITALISM: He who dies with the most toys, wins. HARI KRISHNA: He who plays with the most toys, wins. JUDAISM: He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins. CATHOLICISM: He who denies himself the most toys, wins. ANGLICAN: They were our toys first. GREEK ORTHODOX: No, they were OURS first. BRANCH DAVIDIANS: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins. ATHEISM: There is no toy maker. POLYTHEISM: There are many toy makers. EVOLUTIONISM: The toys made themselves. CHURCH OF CHRIST, SCIENTIST: We are the toys. COMMUNISM: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours. BAHA'I: All toys are just fine with us. AMISH: Toys with batteries are surely a sin. TAOISM: The doll is as important as the dumptruck. MORMONISM: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants. VOODOO: Let me borrow that doll for a second... HEDONISM: Hang the rule book! Let's play! 7TH DAY ADVENTIST: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses. CHURCH OF CHRIST: He whose toys make music, loses. BAPTIST: Once played, always played. JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins. PENTECOSTALISM He whose toys can talk, wins. EXISTENTIALISM Toys are a figment of your imagination. CONFUCIANISM: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry. NON-DENOMINATIONALISM: We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.
Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school. Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette. "Someday I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes" he said.
Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari. "I'm gonna be a doctor" he said "so I can get me a fast Ferrari".
Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up". The other two jaws dropped. "That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars" explained Little Johnny.
I don't think we should dwell on this so I'ma just say it... that's the end of the update. :-(
BUT... here's a bunch of reasons why your day is about to get a lot better:
-Follow me on the Facebook and the Twitter and the Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Some would say its improper not to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You could set a watch by it [if you watch only counted days, not time... because that jumpsa round a bit].
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will go on an Islamaphobic tirade to distract you from the fact he is overweight and doesn't want to go on a diet.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the cunty cold. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.07.14-19.29
Welcome to pro-gay marriage but anti-fag.
Such an eerily quiet time right now. It's undoubtedly the stupid cold weather keeping everyone from doing stuff which doesn't involve heated environments. Actually that's not quite right - the fuckwit rear neighbours are seemingly oblivious... or is it impervious. Saturday night was another one of their parties. And by "party" I mean 5-6 "dudes" in a living room, 1 or 2 of them "mixing", all of them off their chops, making way too much noise. For the love of god, if only they could play something decent? If you're going to keep me awake all night with experimental, underground, industrial, grinding techno some 14-year-old aspiring German DJ created with an iPad app and uploaded to SoundCloud, then at least have the decency to share the fucking drugs around.
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
Anyway that shit kept us up well past midnight and then unpleasantly awoke us before 5am. Again, gum and cigarette butts flicked over into our backyard. There wasn't much to do except wait until I knew they were sleeping and bring out the airhorn.
I've since tracked down their rental agent. The woman didn't seem to give much of a fuck but said they'd write to the tenants. If that doesn't work, and I'm kiiinda hoping it won't, then its fire with fire. Found some huge, second-hand floodlights for sale; the kind used to light up carparks. A couple of those aimed in their direction will potentially be the best $50 I'll ever spend.
The rest of my weekend was overwhelmingly lacklustre nor noteworthy, significant or relevant. I did manage to spend a few hours transferring my game data from an old PS3 to a slightly less old PS3. Another one of those things that should have been straightforward but of course there's an obscure hidden setting which made it fail over and over. Next was the latest Independence Day film. After re-watching the original recently I was half expecting 90 minutes of OTT patriotism and flag American waving. Thankfully they toned it down. Also, the CGI was amazing - basically all looked real. And I loved that an advanced alien species wasn't easily taken down by a bunky mid-90's era laptop. Seriously aliens... did you forget to update Norton's? That's about where it stops though. The storyline was weak, I'm pretty sure the warlord character kept looking at the camera to see if they were still rolling and does anyone know why the alien queen had no problems shooting down jets travelling at mach-whatever but was completely unable to hit the shitty old school bus full of orphans? There is something in this for the military - train little orphans to fly jets and they won't get shot down.
Alright enough babble babble. Let's get on with the brand-spanking, oobie-doobie, haughty-taughty update. There's so much crammed into one that a prolapse is imminent. Check it...
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend" gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god" shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?" "No, thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
--
While looking at a house, my brother asked the Real Estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked "Does the sun rise in the north?" My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said "Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff"...
--
"Darling" whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick. Would you please call me a vet?" "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his loving wife. The husband replied "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"
--
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realised that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie... but this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey suit.
There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this". says the man. "I'm not going to trust a TAX MAN".
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".
*POOF* The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish". "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams".
*POOF* The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.
*POOF* He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
WHEN A GIRL LOOKS DOWN... THIS IS WHAT SHE SEES...
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway... it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
NOW...
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Moral of the story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
On the first day, God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years". The dog said "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span". The monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did"?
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years". The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"?
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years". But man said "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay"?
"Okay" said God "You asked for it".
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
-54 times the sheets were clean
-17 times it was too late
-49 times you were too tired
-20 times it was too hot
-15 times you pretended to be sleep
-22 times you had a headache
-17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
-16 times you said you were too sore
-12 times it was the wrong time of the month
-19 times you had to get up early
-9 times you said weren't in the mood
-7 times you were sunburned
-6 times you were watching the late show
-5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
-3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
-9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
-6 times you just laid there
-8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
-4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
-7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
-1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did.
-5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
-36 times you did not come home at all
-21 times you didn't cum
-33 times you came too soon
-19 times you went soft before you got in
-38 times you worked too late
-10 times you got cramps in your toes
-29 times you had to get up early to play golf
-2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
-4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
-3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
-2 times you had a splinter in your finger
-20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
-6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
-98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
-The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
-I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
-The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
COMMENTS MADE BY POLICE OFFICERS WHO'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE
-"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through".
-"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while". -"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document".
-"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired". -"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you".
-"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" -"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
-"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket". -"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
-"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop". -"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven".
-"Just how big were those 'two beers' you had?" -"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can".
-"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail". -"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here".
-"HE'S BLACK!"
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
*BANG*
Two doctors, one a psychiatrist and the other a proctologist, opened an office in a very small town in South Georgia. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysteria's and Posteriors".
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go!
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives". Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes". Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" or "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council...
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my" she says "What is that?"
"Well, darlin" the cowboy says "That's ma rope". She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks. "Honey, them's my knots" he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says "Stop honey. Wait a minute". Her husband, panting a little, asks "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No" the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says "I know the whole truth". His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says "Just don't tell your father".
Pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with "I know the whole truth". The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says "Please don't say a word to your mother".
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying "I know the whole truth". The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your dad a big hug!"
A man was watering his lawn one day when he saw two hearses followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. He thought this was very strange so he asked the guy (with the dog) what was going on.
"That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died" the man answered.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that" the guy watering his lawn said. "What about the second hearse?"
"Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died".
The guy watering his lawn thought for a minute and said "Can I borrow your dog?"
The man with the dog responded "Back of the line!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network. Come join the masses and feel free to send me stupid emails complaining about clips. In a somewhat related matter - stupid old cows, page settings restrict content to anyone above 18 only. The only way kids are accessing is via an adults account so surely its their fucking responsibilty?
-Check out the archives. Moister than an oyster.
-Next update will be next Thursday. *BOOM* goes the dynamite.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will see blue in when you see everything in red.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chemtrails. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.07.07-17.25
Welcome to green tea - why?
It's the dead of winter here and I'm acutely aware that all you fuckers in the northern hemisphere are basking in summer's full glory. Fuck you all.
I'm just going to come out and say it. Game of Thrones... I don't get it. Obviously I'm missing something because everyone won't stop raving on about it but after four attempts, I'm finally through two episodes and still not grasping what the worlds fascination about people with swords who don't like each other is...? Going to try and persevere a while and see what happens although it's going to take much, much more.
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
Anyway let's run through some stuff. I steer well clear of writing about anything political these days for the simple reason no one cares what other people have to say... also I'm smart enough to know I'm not smart enough to make a convincing argument for or against. Plus most people seem to limit their political activity to Facebook comments or below news articles and then subsequently go about their day secure in the knowledge they've convinced anyone lucky enough to read their wisdom. In reality most of us just switch off because 1) they're wrong; 2) they add nothing of merit; 3) they aren't worth trolling; 4) they would rather be looking at boobies online.
So Saturday Australians went to the polls to vote in a federal election. There's a polling place close to home and it always brings a nice atmosphere as people shuffle in from every direction. We got there early to avoid the queues. What was odd was the distinct lack of volunteers handing out how to vote cards. There were just two wishful Green's reps holding piles of cards who must've thought it was their lucky day. In previous elections you almost had to push past the bastards to get in. Maybe it was arrogance by the parties who actually had a chance, a deliberate tactic or perhaps an oversight but it made deciphering the ballot papers and working out how to preference who, all the more harder and could explain why, edging towards a week after voting, there is still no result. Yet another debacle at the hands of our mighty leaders.
The rest of the morning was a mad rush to do a bunch of stuff ahead of arriving to pick mates up at "12.30 sharp". Long story short, there'd been a whole bunch of discussion about a down south trip. My hesitation was based on past experiences and my own impatience. Basically - life is busy and I hate wasting time when there's always something which needs doing. As I was saying... rolled up at 12.30 so we could leave at 1... then waited around til 3 before everyone had their shit sorted. Sometimes I wonder what good my foresight [read: pessimism] is if it happens anyway...
We arrived to Busselton early evening, got settled, ate and spent the night getting drunk and watching the election coverage. Admittedly sounds pretty lame when it's reduced to once sentence but wasn't a bad night.
Sunday morning kicked off with breakfast. Then on to grab a coffee elsewhere. Some shopping. That brought us to lunchtime and off to a brewery for a few hours. Then inland to an olive farm. Then back towards the coast and a stop at another brewery. Then back to Busso for ice cream. Essentially all you can do if there's no kids to amuse is eat and drink. This is not a complaint.
Next morning was fucking cold. Car thermometer reported 2.5°C degrees which was utterly vile. Managed to find some eggs, waste a couple of hours before packing, checking out and getting on the road. Two-day break done and dusted. This is also not a complaint. At this rate its looking like it'll be a long while before a decent break/holiday so am happy to take whatever I can get.
Alllllllllllright. Enough with the words. If you bothered to read all of them then fear not - the update definitely gets better from here I promise. Check it...
The guy who owned the Odeon Cinema Group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
--
A Russian fellow has saved and saved and finally can purchase an automobile. He goes to the state store to order his car and is informed that it will be delivered in ten years. The man then asks: "Will it be here in the morning or the afternoon?" "Why are you concerned? It's quite some time from now". "Because the plumber is coming in the morning".
--
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorisation from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first.
--
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. T their next appointment the doctor said to Morris "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied "Just doing what you said Doc - Get a hot mamma and be cheerful". The doctor said "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"
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BEST JOKES OF THE EDINBURGH FRINGE
The Edinburgh Fringe is the world's largest arts festival. It takes place annually and features thousands of performers performing tens of thousands of performances with comedy making up the largest section. Of course with that many funny people saying stuff you're bound to end up with more than a few noteworthy comments. Here's some of theme from Fringes' gone by...
"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" -Mark Watson
"I've just finished covering my Ford transit in sequins. I always wanted a camper van". -Andy Bowers "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" -Tom Ward
"I was playing chess with my friend and he said 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess" -Matt Kirshen "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" -Ria Lina
"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'" -Tim Vine "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" -Stewart Francis
"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lap dance" -Bobby Mair "Crime in multi-storey car parks. Wrong on so many different levels" -Tim Vine
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" -Darren Walsh "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" -Masai Graham
"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" -Nick Helm "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ass... but enough about Kanye West" -Stewart Francis
"I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1's and number 2's" -Bec Hill "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works" -Hannibal Buress
"Surely every car is a people carrier?" -Adam Hess "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" -Paul F Taylor
"My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism she wouldn't fancy her chances" -Nish Kumar "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" -Masai Graham
"Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" -Scott Capurro "Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car" -Tim Key
"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably would not it ' -Dave Green "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" -Jason Cook
"My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards" -Sarah Millican "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fish and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" -Mark Nelson
"This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" -Felicity Ward "Met a guy the other day who said his job was as a limb stretcher. I said "You're pulling my leg mate" -Andy Bowers
"I entered ten puns into a contest hoping they would win, but no pun in ten did". -Andoreasu Bushika "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost" -Marcus Brigstocke
"I waited an hour for my starter so I complained. It's not rocket salad!" -Lou Sanders "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men" -Phil Wang
"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" -Tom Parry "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa" -Rob Auton
"My friend died doing what he loved... Heroin" -DeAnne Smith "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing gloves massive "-Alun Cochrane
"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying" -Rob Auton "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure" -Alan Sharp
"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle " -Simon Munnery "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately" -Chris Coltrane
"Someone asked me recently: what would I rather give up, food or sex? Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife" -Mark Watson "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I have not revised for..." -Grace
"The universe implodes. No matter" -Liam Williams "I never lie on my CV... because it creases it" -Jenny Collier
"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks" -Stewart Francis "If you do not know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" -Ian Smith
"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case" -Rob Beckett "Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but does not" -Gyles Brandreth
"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell" -Gary Delaney "Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that Means 'me' "-Ally Houston
"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why" -Chris Turner "Earlier this year I saw 'The Theory of Everything' - loved it. Should've been called 'Look Who's Hawking' that's my only criticism" -James Acaster
"I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same" -Alfie Moore "I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust. -Tim Vine
"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating" -George Ryegold "I deleted all the Spanish names from my phone Juan by Juan. -Andy Bowers
"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister" -Will Marsh "My mum hates her new stair lift. She says it drives her up the wall" -Andy Bowers
"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze" -Tim Vine "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD's back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly" -Tim Vine
36 CHICKS WHO MAKE THE GREAT OUTDOORS EVEN GREATER
In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied".
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward.
The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot?"
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent".
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business!" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will".
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" "Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners".
NOPE... NOTHING SEXY ABOUT A GIRL IN SNEAKERS RIGHT..........................?
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their tourist garb and were sitting on beach chairs enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery.
Soon enough, a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.
As she passed them she turned, smiled, and said: "Good morning father, good morning father". Nodding and addressing each of them individually. They were both stunned; how in the world were they recognised as priests?
They went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine again.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads!
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning father. Good morning father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh father, don't you recognise me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A young boy was playing in the backyard when his father saw him stepping on flowers and pulling out plants. "Just for that" he said "you don't get anything made out of flour for a week!"
The boy was upset and walked away. A short while later, the father looked through the window and saw the boy hitting butterflies with his tennis racquet in the garden. He went running outside and yelled "Just for that, you naughty boy, you don't get any butter for one month!"
Later that day, the boy's mother came home in a really bad mood and as soon as she saw a couple of cockroaches in the kitchen, she started stepping on them. The young lad looked up at his father and whispered "Well, are you going to tell her or should I?"
IF YOU LIKE PREGNANT NAKED WOMEN THEN YOU WILL *LOVE* THIS GALLERY
A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said "Sorry sir, we don't serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. You'll have to bring your elephant in". To which the poor man replied "I am wanting to know isn't it. What is this reason that you do not serve me?" The shop assistant replied "Because you might eat the pet food yourself".
The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop assistant with his elephant. "Two bales of hay please". A few days later, the guy is in again. "I am wanting isn't it. To buy a sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes". "Sorry sir, we don't serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you might want to eat the pet food yourself".
Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red arse and demands "I am wanting a sack of nuts isn't it!" A few more days pass and the fellow walks in asking for some raw meat for his tiger. The same response "Sorry sir, we don't serve"...
Next day he's in with his tiger. This goes on for a while then one day he walks in and he has this little box in his hands. The box has a small hole in the top. "Please be putting your finger into this little hole". "I'm not going to do that!" the shop assistant responds. "Oh! Please, a thousand begging pleases. Please put your finger into the hole in this little box". "No! I've no idea what is in there!" "Oh! by the hairy balls of Moloch it is being indeed very very important to me that you put your finger into this hole!" "Oh, all right"
She sticks her finger into the hole and then removes it. She looks at the brown muck and says... "SHIT!" "Two toilet rolls please!"
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A man in a supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager "Some cheap asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce". As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half".
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir" the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there!".
"Really..." said the manager "my wife is from Canada".
"No shit...?" replied the boy "Who'd she play for?"
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor" she said "I have a very bad gas problem". "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had FOUR silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well" said the doctor thoughtfully "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test".
Guess what? All done. It's been fun and whilst my work here is done for the day, there's is plenty more for you fuckers to sink your teeth into. read:
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Insta. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Now with search functionality. Sure, everyone else has had it for years and I held out incorrectly thinking it was just a fad. Colour me surprised.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You can take that to the bank.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray willput a cracker in your wallet or purse every single day.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop hoarding my chocolate. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
