Shyla Stylez loves it BIG!

Welcome to Orsm.net. Moron's, your bus is leaving.

Yo... scarnon dudes? Me - its cold, I need a holiday and the $AUD is far, far, far too strong for my liking but I absolutely would not -dream- of complaining. That's just the kind of guy I am...

I didn't think it was possible to hate anything as much as I hate the fucking 'Kantong' commercial bombarding Australian TV screens at the moment. What is Kantong I hear all the non-Aussies ask? Basically it's an Asian style stir-fry mix that is added to chicken and then eaten although its relationship to Asia and for that matter food are questionable at best. The shit is wrong and to be honest if I wanted to eat something so sickly and sweet that it would make me crap funny for a week I'd blow an Oompa Loompa.

That however is not the basis of my dislike. Their new ad is fine and dandy until you stop and think about the blatant attempt to cash in on one of Australia's much loved most iconic icons - Vegemite. Remember the remake of the "We're happy little Vegemites" commercial? The original black and white TV ad made in the mid-50's was given a makeover a few years back and the kids were painted with "a rose in every cheek". Not exactly a unique and never before seen special effect but something Aussies have since associated with Vegemite.

I guess you're wondering why I have a problem with it right? As far as advertising goes its ingenious but it shits me that ad makers are trying to subconsciously manipulate people into buying their shitty, faux-Asian sauce by cashing in on loyalty to another product... especially one so endeared to the hearts of the average Australian. That's the main problem here - it's a BAD product. So what to do? Boycott Kantong!

Eat out @ Fling!.

Onto my weekend because it was a good one and this is one of those once-a-year weeks where I actually have more to say than I have space for...

Saturday rocked. It rained pretty much all day so I hung around the house to give the place a clean. Don't ask me why but now at the peak of winter dog has taken upon itself to shed her coat faster than your hot sister sheds her panties. All I can put it down to is her spending most of the cold months thus far indoors and not needing the coat she's grown. The result - the entire house under two inches of discarded German Shepherd fur. So I grabbed the vacuum, cranked up Michael Jackson to 'annoy the neighbours' volume and got stuck in. A few hours later everything sparkled and it was time to sit down and watch the Dockers and Eagles play two absolutely stellar games of footy. Go Benny.

At some point in the last couple of weeks it occurred to me that I hadn't been properly drunk since at least January. That doesn't include slightly buzzy or whatever but still a wonderfully lame performance on my behalf. So with this in mind and dire need to correct it we headed into the city, to our local, for a few quiet drinks. It took all of an hour before that turned into a few noisy drinks and we had a frickin' great time.

Decided to call it a night around 12.30 so we'd actually be able to get a cab. Was an almost perfect execution too except for the mistake of talking to 19 year old girl who spent ten minutes telling me all about her boyfriends 'worked WB Statesman with a 253 which is really cool and lowered with a big bore exhaust and just had a respray'. Gimme a break.

By the time I got home I was starting to feel the effects of being reeeeally drunk and having not eaten all day was a tad peckish. Time to order a pizza...

Things got a bit murky at this point so fuck knows how I did it but within a minute or so of being on the phone I managed to have the bra size of the girl taking my order. From there it was a 10-15 minute conversation with 'KD' [not Katie!? Or was it the other way around?] who has B cup breasts and wishes they were bigger. Funny, funny shit.

Okay time to fire this little bitch up. I had good fun getting this update together so hopefully it'll be one to remember. On with it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids." The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. "Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks. "Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
--
A gay guy walks into a bar and sits in the corner. A straight guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender "I'm so thirsty I could lick a cows balls!" Then the gay in the corner goes "moo!!"

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A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper which hired him was to write a human interest story.

Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once..."

ORSM VIDEO

Banging Away

Kev: Missing You

This Disturbs Me

Tubby Gang Bang

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An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly "You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

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READER MAIL
There's not much that can be said about this weeks Reader Mail that this weeks Reader Mail can't say for itself - it's brilliant, fantastic, it will make you laugh and cry, it'll shock you and excite you but most of all it will never turn its back on you...

If you would like to contribute think you can beat the tasty offerings below then we're always on the look out for ex-girlfriend nudity, cool shit, uncool shit, retarded shit, funny 'haha' jokes, racist jibes, fucked up videos and random pics. Its all welcome! Simply click here and send it over my way!

V wrote: Subject: If you are looking at ideas for your home upgrade.... If you are looking at ideas for your home upgrade.... These blokes built up a box which sucks the specific amount of liquid out of bottles stored inside. It pipes it up through tubes and exits through a makeshift tap. The end result? Ready made spirits and cocktails on demand!

Scott wrote: Subject: Horny 19 year old kiwi girl Gday Mr. Orsm. Love the site. Always on my agenda to check out the update on a Friday Morning. Finally great to see New Zealand have a great weekend in sport. All Blacks winning (over Aussie), Silver ferns winning (over Aussie), Warriors winning (over the West Sydney Tigers), as well as NZ's best driver Scott Dixon getting a hat trick of wins in the Indy Racing League. He should be in F1, not that turkey Webber from Quanebebenneuinig wherever he and Campeze are from. Anyway. Had a 19 year old from Northland NZ texting me, and within days this chick is senting me some pretty awesome pics. So here she is for the world to see. Any keep up the great work.

<with held> wrote: Subject: nude chick pic this pic came to my phone. when i tried to text her she realized she had fucked up and then wouldn't answer me any more. please hide my name and info. Well hello there! -Orsm

James wrote: Subject: holiday Pictures James in the UK Hello to you, I went last week on my hols and took this snap... check out the helicopter pad.. am loving my new Canon Ixus950is fantastic quality shame there where no naked girls about.. best wishes I think I see my boat there... the one at the back kind of. True story honest. -Orsm

Nafe wrote: Subject: BBQ In case you havent recieved this a million times heres a bbq. not a bad effort. thanks At least a million. Still cool though. -Orsm

Franco wrote: Subject: freeway north crash yesterday Pretty impressive effort here! Can't believe that the driver walked away with such a minor injury; total carnage on the truck tho! Glad I wasn't heading that way myself, especially given as I had been going to but was held up and didn't end up getting up that way...

Ian wrote: Subject: bodgey brothers new mitsubishi rodeo Took these on the way home from Penrith on the Great Western Highway all lights hooked up and working talk about bodgey brothers

Rocket Salad wrote: Subject: Road Train on the Bruse Hwy Queensland pics Hi Orsm. Have a Captain Cook at this road train spotted north bound on Hwy 1 at GinGin (about 300 north of Brisbane). Couldn't go very fast and me thinks it could only move at night due to the size. Though its small compared to outback road trains it was quite a sight on the main road. Note the truck at the back to act as a brake(?). Any readers know what its carting?

<with held> wrote: Subject: zabezi tiger fish yo orsm check out the choppers on this cunt. Reminds me of a girl I used to know... -Orsm

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper."

ORSM VIDEO

After Dinner Mint

Inmates Do Thriller

Tamed Crocodile

Electrical Meltdown

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional, which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can't hear you." Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?" The priest answered, "By golly, you really can't hear in here!"

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "Sir, there's no money in that account...?" "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there is more blood curdling screams.

Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell." You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised." Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

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Little Johnny came home from school one day confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy am I more Jewish or more Black?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question "Daddy am I more Jewish or more Black?" "What kind of question is that?" Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Black?" asks dad.

"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50 and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until its dark and steal the thing."

ORSM VIDEO

Bath Time Fun

.50cal Power

Unsuccessful Demolition

Mine Field Clearing

Sadly, girls and boys the time has come to end the update. Its been a brilliant journey of self-awakening, now you simply have to ask yourself this... will you read on beyond this line?

- Check out the site archives because that's where the site is archived. Derr.
- Next update will most probably be next Thursday.
- Make sure you tell your all you friends to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will act like the world revolves around him and his do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as he can make a name for himself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends he loses or people he leaves dead and bloodied along the way, just so long as he can make a name for himself as an investigatory journalist...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and GO EAGLES! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Whitney loves it BIG!

Welcome to Orsm.net. You're forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

Before we get stuck into this weeks update I need to get something off my chest. It's come to my attention that a lot of people have been talking about me behind my back lately. Yeah yeah I'm a big boy and can handle it but people running around saying things like how good a guy I am, that I'm extremely reliable, unnecessarily generous or how they feel privileged to know me just has to stop. Sure it may all be true but at least have the balls to say it to my face or not at all.

Well here we are again and I must admit I'm in a fantastic mood. There are few things I love more than the rain and as I write this it's absolutely bucketing down outside. Now if a chick with massive boobs would walk into the room and expose herself I could die a happy man.

Onto my life for the last week because I've been far too busy to actually stop and form a blog-worthy opinion about the goings on in the world... except maybe for that Haneef guy. If you've heard nothing about this basically he's a cousin of the guys that were caught in London unsuccessfully trying to blow shit up. He was arrested living here and held –without charge– for eight or nine days which some people thought 'unfair'.

Unfair? How about too bad, how sad? How about that's what you get? I'm so sick of this terrorist crap and really starting to think we need even stricter laws in place – but let's make it worth while!

First, if it's suspected that you're a terrorist or collaborator you immediately get locked up for one week and questioned. Then if after that it appears you are a dodgy fuck, all you're family and friends get locked up and questioned and so on and so forth. And if you don't like the idea of putting your family through that then don't be a bad guy. It's so wonderfully simple – be a dickhead and you're screwed; don't be a dickhead and we'll leave you alone.

Okay... got completely sidetracked there [turns out I did have time to form an opinion?] so back to me and my week and my life and me me me me me!!

Lil Moisties like Jess @ Fling.

Saturday started with an 8am phone call awakening me from a comfortable slumber. But why? A friend needed to use my computer to do something. Something ended up absorbing most of my morning which was no big deal as it prolonged a chainsaw powered assault on the garden. From there it was off to Bunnings where [as most Aussies know] the staff wear red shirts. Lesson for Saturday: do NOT wear a red shirt to Bunnings unless you want to be asked questions by other customers. After that it was back home to fix my laundry taps. They've progressively leaked more and more and more since I moved in to this joint and my conscience about wasting water finally got the better of me.

The weather forecast for Sunday was about as good as it gets for this time of the year so the goal was to wake up bright and early and head to the beach with dog. Unfortunately something I ate the night before had me make several emergency dashes to the toilet between 3am and 4am which pretty much put an end to that. When I finally did get up –around 11- it was time to [you guessed it] wash the car.

No plans for the afternoon so myself and a couple of friends went for a cruise down the coast to find gelato and have a perv. Was all good until on the way home - with my passenger's sort of running late and reminding of this regularly I hoofed it through an orange traffic light. Next thing you know the cops pull me over.

"Mate it was definitely orange when I went through" I said. "We saw it as red" he told me definitively but they knew it and I knew it, they were just bitter and jaded about not busting me for speeding so the red light thing was all they had. Admittedly not the best way to spend $150 but it's my first fine in three and a half years so I shouldn't complain.

Okay let's get on with this killer update. As we all know last weeks update was mega, huge and even a little fantabulous but this week brings it to a whole new level. LOT'S of fantabulous. Is it really possible I hear you ask? One way to find out...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
--
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground Miss Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the Sunday school teacher said "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"

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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

ORSM VIDEO

Mimi Rogers Nude

Road Skating

The Internet Has Crashed

John Howard Stinks

- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonising three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the penis."

The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.

Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies in her stomach.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question: "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?

You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS - YOU WIN!!"

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READER MAIL
Still, still, still trying to get through the mail backlog and once again this weeks Reader Mail is on roids. Unsurprisingly its chock-full of some amazing submissions too - you'll be enthralled and mystified, you'll laugh and cry but most of all you'll feel that deep sense of love that only those of us with a massive penis knows about.

If you would like to contribute think you can beat the tasty offerings below then we're always on the look out for ex-girlfriend nudity, cool shit, uncool shit, retarded shit, funny 'haha' jokes, fucked up videos and random pics. Its all welcome! All you must do is click here and send it over my way.

Loz wrote: Subject: Have a go at this? Granny grows horn A Chinese grandmother has a five inch horn growing out of her forehead. The horn curves downward and looks like the stalk of a pumpkin, reports the Yangcheng Evening Post. Granny Zhao, 95, of Zhanjiang city, Guangdong province, says it first appeared three years ago. "At first, it was only a mole, but it gradually grew and became like a horn," she said. Zhao says the horn causes her little trouble except to affect her vision slightly: "It causes me no discomfort, but blocks part of my view." But her family are hoping that medical experts can explain the phenomenon.

<with held> wrote: Subject: How about this look? Here is a look everyone should have to remember. I should have sent a pic of this to her dad on Father's day. name and address witheld but he will know me when he sees it. I will send better ones on the near future and movies too.

Tofie wrote: Subject: East Yorksire shoes suppose these would sell well in NZ, and China and any other place thats flooding at the moment, as well. Think I'll stick with my Croc's... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pure NZ Powder Me and a mate were recently heading back from Auckland and thought that we would pull over for a pick me up. Would love to see the pics posted. Cheers mate. Looks like primo gear. Line me up, boys. -Orsm

Qship wrote: Subject: crane on the edge of the tasman bridge Hay due, always top shit.. check this: THE Tasman Bridge over the Derwent River in Hobart was closed this morning after a crane toppled and was left dangling over the edge. Police expected the bridge to be closed until about 1.30pm, as more cranes are brought onto the bridge in an attempt to right the fallen crane. The crane fell over just after 10am this morning, blocking one east-bound lane of the bridge and the footpath, causing disruptions to pedestrian and road traffic. As part of the crane is hanging over the edge of the bridge, river traffic has also been stopped. Motorists were asked to be patient and avoid roads leading to the Tasman Bridge.

cumnon wrote: Subject: orsm mail love ya, mean it! Attached is a couple pics of a black female I have been banging since I caught my old lady cheating on me a few months back; would have shot her and left but we have a 2 year old; caught her by using a software program called spryrecon, google if you are interested; records key strokes and sites on the computer it is loaded on; fucking incredible the shit you will find that someone looking at. keep up the good work, you bastard!

an on wrote: Subject: ex Orite there mate... Love the site.... here's a few pics of my cheating ex.... enjoy. Please withhold my id. Keep up the good work.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Ex Girlfriend pics.. I love your site!! keep up the good work. please keep my name and address private,,

andrew wrote: Subject: hey from montreal hey man im another perth boy travelling in canada and im in montreal right now and got some funny pics to send home. heres my buddys ass after falling down our stairs haha then some wierd man at this sick tech house gig every sunday. me at niagra falls haha and then some random pics of the graphs and old buildings of beautiful montreal! enjoy

Neil wrote: Subject: Be careful who you fire This happened on October 14th 2006 outside of Edison Alberta. An employee from this camp was relieved of his duties late Friday afternoon. I guess he went a little "postal" with the track hoe on the other equipment late Saturday night... What you're about to see is the aftermath that was discovered on the Sunday morning - October 15th. Do you think his boss may reconsider?

Ian Hollow wrote: Subject: the hotest shyline (car) ever seen Gidday cobber. sat 1/7/07 on way home from work tokin hwy and berna road intersection. cheers Ooops... -Orsm

YABBEES wrote: Subject: RE/FORGOT TO ADD THE PICS (DICK) GREETINGS FROM GEELONG, VICTORIA. JUST A FEW PICTURES OF A MATES CUSTOM BIKE THAT I THOUGHT YOU MAY APPRECIATE IN RELATION TO YOUR AWESOME SITE, NUMBER PLATES ARE REAL.

Israel wrote: Subject: Sweet ORSOM plates Hey, Saw these plates at the Maryborough Motor Show. You can add them to your ORSM plate collection! Laters.

<with held> wrote: Subject: What the Henley Royal Regatta is all about... Please hide my email addy and cheers for all the good work over the years!!!

<with held> wrote: Subject: phone vid - blow job Hey Mr, Orsm. Was at fixjamm on the weekend and received a bluetooth video from the nightclub promotion server, me thinking it was a promotion piece i decided to download. ends up being a home made porno, of some girl who was in attendance. must be a revenge tape by the club management or something, kinda funny...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house" "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later though, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

ORSM VIDEO

Sexy Eyes

50 Cal Sniper

Why I Don't Like Soccer

Low Fly By

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is already down at the local pub!" Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. 'Wow' thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work."

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. 'Wow' thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing."

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that plastic bag!"

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Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly, it would be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to."

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who... well... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind.

And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."

RANDOM SHITE This very well may be another RS that is better than the one I posted that time which had the pics of the thing at the place and the people were all like 'owww' and some were like 'no way!'. Now THAT was a cool one. Anyway check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper."

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A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... dey make you wild at sex!" The wife was really interested but the husband, sex god that he was, felt he really didn't need them.

The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on. "So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!"

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

ORSM VIDEO

Cam Playtime

Porsche BMW Drift

Deer Hunting Bird

Baking Skoda

Do you know where we are?

- Check out the site archives. The truth is in there.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I feel I've made this point clear.
- Make sure you tell your all you friends to check out ORSM-DOT-NET unlike my friend Ray who can't because he has no friends.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats R & K. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

PornStars like it BIG!

Welcome to Orsm.net. I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

Woooo... fuck me where has this week gone? I'm SURE I was putting the finishing touches to last weeks update a few hours ago but no... here we are seven whole days later. Blink and you miss it huh?

I'm happy to report that I am pretty much back to 100% after my little bout of Glandular Fever. It got to that point where I was sick of being sick, couldn't bare to watch another DVD and had to get up and do something. Thankfully by the start of this week I was feeling fantastic. I don't want to sound like a complete wanker here but I'm sure that setting my mind to not being sick was what got me through it so quickly. Life goes on and wasting it bed waiting to feel better didn't seem to be working. So yeah... power of positive thought!

I had one of those 'funny how we change' moments this week. I live close to a park which my much loved pooch is well aware of and insists, in her not so subtle ways, on being taken to each and every day. She loves it - we both run around after the tennis ball and at least one of us squats for a bowel movement every time we go there. Apparently it's HER park.

So Monday rolls around and off we go only to find some little bastard has managed to get his car on there overnight and shred the place to fuckery. Must have spent a while doing it too because there was barely a patch of grass left unscarred. Quite impressive really.

Then I thought back to twelve years ago... to when my mates and I were new to the whole driving thing. Holy crap did we rip some shit up and thank Christ there was no such thing as 'hoon laws'. Grass, gravel, sand, car parks - nothing was safe and not once did I ever stop to spare a thought for anyone that may actually use them. Too bad, how sad right? Okay so a bit of ripped up lawn isn't exactly the end of the world but as I said, I use it every day and it shits me. Karma is a dirty whore.

Lil Moisties like Alexis @ Fling.

Moving on to me, my week, my life and whatever else enables you weirdos that actually read this to continue living vicariously through me...

Saturday night had been planned for quite a while - my sister's boyfriends 30th birthday and I'd been looking forward to it and the mandatory drunkedness from the moment I heard about it.

And then my conscience kicked in.

I picked up the phone and called my GP to find out what the deal was with me still being infectious. Told him how I was feeling, my symptoms and the verdict: "yes you could go, but no you shouldn't". Meh... what would he know...

After that it was off to do some running around for a couple of hours before returning home where I promptly fell asleep. A little bit disconcerting - if two hours of less than strenuous activity were enough to wipe me out maybe I wasn't quite as unsick as I'd hoped.

Anyway it wasn't until around 6pm that I made the final decision to flag the party. One thing the Doc said to me was the risk of coming into contact with a chick that is pregnant and how bad that would be. Not cool. So how did I spend my Saturday night? At home... all alone... watching TV. Talk about effing gay.

Waking up Sunday I felt the best I had in weeks and not wanting to waste it I headed outside to attack the garden and wash the car... which was a damn good idea until it started raining. Possibly be a good idea to check the forecast in future. Live and learn I guess.

That's enough dribbling for this week. Time to get on with the update which I assure you all is absolutely fucking stellar. There's more shit packed in here than Schapelle Corby's board bag so grab your rubber gloves, tissues and strap yourselves in...

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If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK". Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks   "Dad, what's Love, Juice?". Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked,  proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?". Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
--
A man shouted to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock!" She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on.  She says, "That's not a clock!" He says, "It will be when you put 2 hands and a face on it!"

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so fucking pissed off!!" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said "Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

ORSM VIDEO

Best Body Ever

My Humpy

The Obvious Boner

Pranking C-Span

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HOW IS EMAIL LIKE A PENIS?

- Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
- Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
- It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
- In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
- Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
- Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
- It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
- It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
- We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
- If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
- If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

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READER MAIL
Three weeks since I posted any RM and things are more backed up than a pensioner on a dog food diet. Not surprisingly also, I've been inundated with 'retard mail' which is probably quite self-explanatory as well as plenty of you guys telling me I was due a killer update to make up for the last few weeks of me being sick. Not too sure how that works but following the same obscure logic hopefully someone will return the favour and give me a million dollars and a hot 18yo with massive boobs and shaven fagina...

Anyway... moving on... if you would like to contribute then what you'll find below is a pretty good examples of the stuff your fellow Orsm'ers demand. Ex-girlfriend nudity, cool shit, uncool shit, jokes, videos, random pics - whatever - its all welcome and all you must do is click here to make the magic happen!

Ben wrote: Subject: Why golfer's Golf After seeing your why golfer's golf section I wanted to show you Donald Trump's 13th hole at his westchester National course in New York. This hole alone was meant to cost over $5 mil US which is worth more than some entire golf courses. Of course its membership is for the uber rich and includes Michael Jordan and Ron Howard amongst others.

Keith wrote: Subject: Yeah, I'm proud I've been reading your site religiously for years now, and even got my wife hooked on it. In fact, we have a fight if one of us looks at a new update without the other. This is the first time we've ever submitted something, though. But I couldn't let this one pass. On a recent trip to Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, we were walking around the city and came across this sign. My wife, naturally, posed beside it. I'd have had her flash, but it was at a major intersection and there were little kids around. Exhibitionism = cool. Jail = not cool.

bill wrote: Subject: San Diego Concrete Pour "San Diego, BAYSIDE condos ($795,000 to $12,000,000.each condo, 282 total.) These photos show the concrete pour, last weekend, of the south one-half only of the ten-foot-thick RAFT slab, which supports the 35 story tower. This was a 258 truck-ballet in which the contractor placed 11,500 yards of concrete in one monolithic pour that got started at five in the morning and finished by three in the afternoon." 258 trucks in 10 hours = 26 trucks per hour = 1 truck every 2 minutes 20 seconds.

Sami wrote: Subject: handy Hand belongs to Neil, a guy that cut his hand open on a bamboo stalk rough edge. 25 stitches. Pretty fucked up eh?? Cheers Nasty nasty nasty. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Enjoy... funny Ask no questions, I tell no lies and more shall follow. Get my drift... ? A Mere passer-by.

Don wrote: Subject: car crash just a couple of pics that I took of a car after hitting and snapping a concrete pole... the skidmarks leading up to it are 125m long, the P plate driver said that he swerved to miss a cat at about 70km/h. I think that he was lucky to have hit the pole with the back of the car as he span out of control. Prefer not to have my email address shown thanks

<with held> wrote: Subject: Crushed by train Short story is that this guy (I'm not sure of his title) rides on the back of a train while it is backing so that he can call in the distance via radio. He slipped and got ran over and pinned into a space about ½” thick between two wheels while the train dragged him for 600 feet. Only his coverall kept him in one piece. The pic with the wood lodge between the wheels is where his body was. Who would have known that those wheels aren't attached to the cars? They just lift right off.

<with held> wrote: Subject: floods june 2007 in gippsland vic Here's some pics of the flood waters in Gippsland Vic that were sent to me, may be of use for them on your site.

gemma wrote: Subject: pics of me hey orsm, i sent you some pics last july just after i found out my bf was cheating on me, link is here. just thought you might like an update and some new pics, my life is great now, a year makes so much difference.. hope you like the new pics, xxx

<with held> wrote: Subject: hey man hey man glade to here you all good again here are some pics of a chick i call when i want a root she does what ever i want so thats kool. please no name or detales thank

<with held> wrote: Subject: this chick i used to fuck please hide my info... thanx... by the way your site rocks!!!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hi ORSM Hi ORSM, I've been tempted to write several times in the more than six years I've been following your site, but it was several photos I took this weekend that pushed me over the edge. They were taken at a riverside swimming hole in rural Mississippi. The little sweetie is chunky, to be sure, and probably dumb as a post, but plenty good enough for most of us, and a damn site better than what many of us have, I'd say.

crhelms wrote: Subject: Cool pics Hey orsm, great site. Been a fan for a long time. We had a tornado just a couple of weeks (22 June, 2007) back. A category F4 (winds of 331-415 km/h). Just a light breeze. This one destroyed a few homes and some biuldings. Tossed around a couple of semis. Fortunately, nobody was killed. A few injuries though. Hope you're feeling better. Cheers!

Eddie B wrote: Subject: trampoline chick some crazy chick jumping on a trampoline while on her period I'm sure everyone will agree when I say: TOO fucking cute. -Orsm

t.t. wrote: Subject: Digital Camera Lost Orsm Greetings from Greece!!! It figures that this kick ass blond while on vacation lost her Digital Camera or something.... but who cares anyway..... She is a big show off and we all like it :) Wow. Enough said. -Orsm

Craig wrote: Subject: Hidden Valley V8's G'Day Orsm. Had a great day at the V8's on sunday. From getting there & back for nothing thanks to the NT government to having some bloke give me a spare ticket just as I was about to hand over the hard-earned to buy my own. Sweet! Here are a few photos of the days action for your site. Enjoy!

A guy spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?" "What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree." "Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not till next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?" "No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been travelling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!" The chief recognised him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief. "Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

ORSM VIDEO

Exhibitionist

What What In The Butt

Real Transformers

Puppies Vs Kitty

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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THE TRUE TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL IN EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have recently raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'.

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'.  Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire, which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose.'

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old ones.

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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know..."

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point precisely".

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Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a Psychic for help.

"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But at the reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."

Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins." She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Backdoor Quickie

Amazingly Cool Job

Watch Those Pot Holes

Tour De Horse

Well here we are again... let's cut to it...

- Check out the site archives. They go back to September 2000 which, if you think about it, is really quite an accomplishment.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I get Glandular Fever again.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will effect them with Ebola or the flu or whatever the fuck it is he has and keeps complaining about because he thinks we actually care but in reality are secretly hoping he gets sicker because its fun to watch him suffer like his grandparents did in the Nazi gas chambers.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Stan. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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Welcome to Orsm.net. I swear to god I'll pistol whip the next person who says 'shenanigans'.

Howdy dudes. Miss me or what?

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been all over the place like a mad woman's shit. One minute I'm freezing, the next just absolutely sweating like a rapist - annoying because I'd continually be lulled into thinking I was on the mend only to be pile-driven head first into the ground again.

Last week was where it all went pair-shaped. I woke up Wednesday morning feeling like I was close to death. I was sore, had barely slept and then noticed a huge lump protruding from one side of my neck. What the fuck!? You can probably imagine how quickly that got me out of bed and to a mirror. The thing was fucking HUGE! The rest of the day was a nervous wait for a doctor's visit which couldn't come soon enough...

When I first got there the first thing he said was "Wow! Haven't seen that in years and years!!". "Errr yeah that's fantastic... so what is it??" "Mumps." "MUMPS!? How can I have the Mumps???" "I don't know... lets do a blood test and call me Friday. In the mean time stay away from EVERYONE!"

The next few days were excruciating. With my throat looking like I had half swallowed a golf ball, my tonsils swollen and my nose blocked it made sleeping comfortably impossible. Actually last night was the first night in over a week that I was able to sleep more than 5-10 consecutive minutes without panicking myself awake. I had that constant, underlying fear I would fall asleep and forget to breath or some shit. Not pleasant.

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Anyway before I get too far ahead of myself, I finally got a call back from the Doctor on the Friday [at 6.30pm the bastard!] saying that I didn't have Mumps... but I did have Glandular Fever. Apparently the swollen throat plus various other less than desirable symptoms such as those you would normally get with Mumps can present in certain [read: unlucky] people [read: cunts]. "How long until I am back to 100%?" "Not sure - it varies." What do I do now?" "Just make sure you stay rested" "And that's it? "That's it."

At this point it's safe to say the whole week has been a rather unpleasant shit stain that I'll remember for a long, long time to come. Forget the 20+ Panadol's every day, forget the salt gargles, forget the Cepacaine gargles, forget the Betadine gargles, forget the Zyrtec, forget the vitamin tablets, forget the Vapodrops, forget the Panadeine Forte, forget the Soothers, forget the 10+ calls a day from family and friends asking "are you still alive?" and "do you need me to bring you anything?", forget not eating, forget the delirium, forget drinking 6-8 litres of water a day, forget taking a piss every 15 minutes – BY FAR the hardest part was sleep deprivation.

It didn't take long to work out lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself was utterly useless, especially with the possibility of Chronic Fatigue as a follow on illness looming. You begin to get pretty fucking paranoid fucking pretty quickly about making sure you're doing everything possible thing to get better. As it stands nowhere near 'better' but I definitely feel better than yesterday and probably the day before.

So yeah... that about sums up why I was in absentia last week. As for this week, unfortunately Reader Mail had to get the chop because I'm still struggling and – as hard as I tried not to – I kept nodding off in front of the computer only to awaken myself with the drool running down my chest/stomach. The things we do for love huh!?

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, O.K." He went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"
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After revelations that their members were out with Alan Didak, the Hells Angels have released a statement claiming that they had no knowledge that their members were mixing with Collingwood players and they will be launching a full investigation to find and suspend the members concerned. "Its simply unacceptable and stupid behaviour for our members to be associating with these types of people. Our members are role models and should know better" said Club President.

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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five metres in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
 
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...?"

ORSM VIDEO

Seriously Sexy Babe

Too Much Bang

Bullet Train Surfing

Look How Long Shes Under!

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There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked a way, and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know, here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "Just what did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

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A lion was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The lion roared, "Who is the king of the jungle?" and the deer replied, "Oh, you are, master."

The lion walked off pleased however he soon came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The lion roared, "Who is the king of the jungle?" and the terrified zebra replied, "Oh, you are, master."

The lion walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. "Who is the king of the jungle?" he roared. With that the elephant threw the lion across a tree and jumped on him. The lion scraped himself up off the ground and said, "Okay, okay, there's no need to get angry just because you don't know the answer!"

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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "AAA Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman's vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor says "Mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out". Reluctantly the couple agree.

So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think you are doing". "I've changed my mind I'm going to drown the little bastard!!!"

ORSM VIDEO

Tasty Goth Babe

Dumbass Family

Repulsive

Toll Booth Crash

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" he replied. "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for two days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" he answered. Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for two weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "Miss from what I just saw, I'll catch you next year!"

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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel lobby.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh my God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

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Storming into the drugstore first thing Monday morning, the young man slammed a carton and a receipt down on the counter.

"I came in here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condoms," he yelled at the druggist. "Well, I counted them. There's only eleven dozen here."

Regarding the man square in the eye, the druggist said contritely, "So sorry, sir, to have ruined your weekend.

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Three contractors arrive to quote a job - one from Lebanon, one from Australia and another from Vietnam - all bidding to repair the Parliament House fence.

They go with a Parliamentary official to examine the fence. The Australian contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says."I figure the job will run $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for labor and $100 profit for me."

The Vietnamese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Lebanese contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers: "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Lebanese explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Vietnam to do the work!"

ORSM VIDEO

Amazing Boobies

X-35 Testing

Fast Hands

Kitty In A Box

Well girls and boys that's me for this week. Cranking this puppy out was an absolute killer so hopefully it didn't suck...

- Check out the site archives. They cover every week from now back to a few months before Jesus was born.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I get sick again which is entirely possible....
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will show you his massive clock.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't get Glandular Fever!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.