I had no fucking idea Break.com was gone. Shutdown in November. Used to promote them up until a few years ago. Payments became erratic. Ended up going our separate ways and pretty much forgot they existed until I received a creditors letter asking if I have any claims against them. I'm sure there were some missing payments but even back then it was too hard to work out and they sure as hell weren't too concerned about it. Can't imagine now would be any different. Was easier to write it off and move on. So what killed them? Well strangely I wasn't invited to board meetings however my experience was they'd setup sites, give them lots of traffic and move on to the next one. The sites didn't to do much after that. I know they were more about content creating more recently but things are tougher in a Facebook world. RIP Break.
Moving on. A fairly telling insight to the female mind. GF and I use an app [Wunderlist] to share lists and tasks. Main use is our grocery list. Pretty simple - put shit we need on the app then whoever does the shopping can tick things off. No, or at least way less, messages and phone calls to coordinate mundane stuff. Annnnyway so I'm doing the grocs at the weekend and noticed "Bag salad mix - not lettuce" on the list. You know the ones in the vege section? Bags of leaves and... other leaves. But if not lettuce, what? Surely this was a riddle and I went back to that section 3 times trying to figure it out. Finally gave up and sent a message asking "WTF do you mean by salad not lettuce??" Guys have a think about it. I've put the answer at the very bottom of the update.
Lastly, a shout out to what was a brilliant long weekend. Got drunk 3 times, great food, great music [obviously not the Triple J Hottest 100 shit], great weather, great QT with fam and friends and all came together to crank out the most memorable weekend in ages. Nice to feel so totally satisfied and content...
... which I'm sure has flowed into this update. Obviously it was going to be a challenge fraught with danger and responsibility trying to top last week's update but I am 100% sure there will be no complaints. I'm sure Banksy has his critics too. Check it...
A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
--
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself "I'm gonna take that!"
--
During my check-up I asked the Doctor "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now". I said "I don't go in for any of that astrology crap". He replied "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke in your arse".
--
My son's P.E. teacher rang me today and said "Your son is the fastest runner in the school, it's amazing!" "It's all to do with my genes" I replied. "Really?" he questioned. "Yes" I said "as soon as I pull them down he runs like fuck".
--
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?" "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight".
--
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great" Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too" exclaimed Little Johnny "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
--
What is the hardest part of boiling a vegetable? Getting a pot big enough to put the wheelchair in.
--
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".
--
A Russian traveller arrives at the Heathrow airport. The immigration officer asks: "Nationality?" The man replies: "Russian". The officer: "Occupation?" The Russian: "No, just for a visit!"
--
An old gentleman slowly approached the local brothel and pressed the doorbell. The madam opened the door, looked at the old fellow with a critical eye and then asked. "What can we do for you, sir?" "I need a girl" the senior citizen said. "For you, the charge is a hundred dollars". "You're putting me on!" he exclaimed. "That will be an extra ten dollars" said the madam.
--
The teen boyfriend said "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've got three tickets for the movies". "Why do we need three?" asked the girl. "They're for your father, mother and little sister" he replied.
My girlfriend just said she was disgusted at me for licking the bowl after I was done. I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
--
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court". He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times".
--
I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter. "Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhoea?" "We have some Imodium plus." she replied. "No, I don't think you understood my question - I just shit on your floor"
--
"Okay, give me some ideas about costume for the fancy dress party this weekend?" said my missus. "How about a sexy schoolgirl?" I replied "I could never do that" she grinned "Okay, how about a schoolgirl then?" I said.
A traveller through England on holiday lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet" replied the bloke. "Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry" said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other". "This I gotta see, replied the agent".
With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.
"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne".
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Melbourne?"
The agent replied "I recognised Bill Shorten in the middle".
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes so he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed.
He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her flat.
After they've had their fun, he realises that it's after midnight and says "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty annoyed.
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" she demands.
"Well, darling, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied "Well, I"ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.".
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL... HERE'S 30+ CHICKS HAPPY TO SHOW US!
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Couple of young chaps pop into the local Catholic church for confession before heading out for the night.
Tommy goes into the confessional first, the Priest says "And who might be the woman you were with?" "I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation".
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" Tommy: "I cannot say".
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?" Tommy: "I'll never tell".
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?" Tommy: "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her".
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?" Tommy: "My lips are sealed".
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?" Tommy: "Please Father, I cannot tell you".
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. Be off with you now".
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers "What'd you get?" "Five more good leads!" says Tommy.
when girls get naked on the boat very special things happen
After a long time, Police officer Jesse visits his old aunt. As he sits on the canape, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" Jesse asks. "No, not at all!" the old aunt replied.
They talked about health of the old woman for half an hour and, as Jesse stands to leave, he realises that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm really sorry for eating all your peanuts auntie. I really just meant to eat a few".
"Oh, that's all right" his aunt says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway".
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me'.
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read "You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, and you are going to Chicago".
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read:
"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle".
The nun says to herself "I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life". She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'This is incredible, I've got to try this again'.
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read "You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind". Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life'. But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again".
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out. It read: "You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago".
An elderly lady walks into a sex shop, shaking as though she has Parkinson's.
She walks up to the counter and says to the assistant "Young maaaan, have you got a viiiibraaaatoor?"
He's a bit taken aback and not sure if her heard her correctly because of her shaky voice, but he picks out a modest sized model and places it on the counter.
"Nooooo, biiigger thaaan thaaat!" So he brings her the next size up "Noooooo, noooo, biiiigger thaaan thaaaat!"
This happens a few times until finally he places the biggest vibrator in the entire shop on the counter. It's eighteen inches long with a girth that would make ANYONES eyes water.
"Yeeeees, yeeeees, thaaaat's the one. Hoooow do you tuuuurn it off?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man escapes from the jail where he has been for fourteen years.
He breaks into a house to look for food, clothes, money, car and maybe guns. He goes to the bedroom and finds a new married young couple in bed.
He shouts to the young husband out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While convict is in there, the husband tells his wife "Listen honey, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his weird face and clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't fight back, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. This man is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong darling. I love you".
After that his wife responds "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were nice and cute, and asked me if we had any moisturiser or lube. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong darling. I love you too!"
An Aussie, an Englishman, and an Irishman are drinking in a pub, when in walks Anthony Mundine.
He tells the Englishman to come outside, where he gets in his face and says... "My name's Anthony Mundine, I'm a boxing champion, and I earn $30 million a year and I fuck white women. What you gonna do about it?"
The Englishman replies "Nothing"
"Send out the Aussie" says Mundine. When the Aussie comes out, Mundine gets in his face and says... "My name's Anthony Mundine, I'm a boxing champion, and I earn $30 million a year and I fuck white women. What you gonna do about it?"
The Aussie replies "Nothing mate"
"Send out the Irishman" says Mundine. The Irishman goes outside. Shortly a ruckus is heard and after a couple of minutes the Irishman comes back in the pub battered, bruised and bleeding.
"What happened?" say the Englishman and the Aussie. "Well, the black fella told me his name was Anthony Mundine". "Yeah he told us that".
"Then he told me he was a boxing champion".... "Yeah he told us that, too".
"Then he told me he earns $30 million a year and he fucks white women"... "Yeah, so what happened?"
"Well, I told him, if I earned $30 million a year I wouldn't fuck an aboriginal either!"
FRECKLES, AMAZING BREASTS AND YOU WON'T EVEN BELIEVE THE REST IS POSSIBLE...
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said "This is for washing our hair".
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"WTF do you mean by 'salad not lettuce'??"
"Like... coleslaw mix"
"So why not just put coleslaw on the list?"
*silence*
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there in-between regular 3-day bans.
-Check out the archives. Arguably better than most of the shit that comes out of most people's mouths.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Yes Siree, Bob.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will fling his shit at you... like monkeys.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep those eggs runny. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.01.24-22.27
Welcome to sweat equity.
My plan was to get a 'best of' thingy done for the Orsm Christmas update but for a couple of reasons, all of which were time-related, it didn't eventuate. That was over a month ago so if I didn't do it soon it wasn't going to happen. Well it probably would have... but pretty fucking odd if someone does a best of 2018 in August '19. Nope, I wouldn't look like a retard at all...
Alright so let's kick things off with the MOST VIEWED GENERAL/NON-PORN VIDEOS. These are always the biggest surprise to me. Never quite know what is going to truly resonate but you learn something every day, huh? The number 1 clip "I Want A Dog Like This" got viewed almost 450k times. Something you guys want to tell me or...?
Next up let's look at the MOST VIEWED PORN CLIPS. Can't say I'm disappointed. There were over 900 'amateur' clips posted in 2018 so that must mean these are pretty special. Watch, or rewatch, and judge for yourselves...
Time to take a squiz at the MOST VIEWED SEXY/NSFW VIDS CATEGORY. In my mind these involve a girl in some state of undress; not sex/fucking/whatever. Sure there's some overlap and its not a perfectly defined rule but it's a category that rates a mention.
Each week, every update there's usually around 80 new clips posted. Switching our maths brains on - there was 50 updates in 2018 meaning there was over 4,000. NO WAY I'll be the first to admit that some shitty, unfunny, uninteresting, irrelevant vids slip through. That's what I have you guys for! For the record, it isn't deliberate - everyone is just into different stuff. Anyyyyway... here's the LEAST VIEWED VIDEOS of last year. Show them some love... or let them die in shame...
Image galleries are a huge part of each update. Usually five of six of them depending on the week. They take absolutely fucking forever sorting and making them and try my hardest to post ones you guys will love. Here's the MOST POPULAR IMAGE GALLERIES. Seems I'm not all bad at it because these accounted for many hundreds of thousands of views.
Finally, we look at the MOST POPULAR RANDOM SHITE'S. I do make some effort in selecting an interesting thumb but as you can see from these, anything with a vagina is going to do the best.
Alright that should about do it. You could drill into the stats forever and find out all sorts of useless info. All that really does it prevents us from moving forward with today's update and fattening up the 2019 stats. And that shouldn't be too hard - I've gone to town on this fucker. Haven't held anything back and I am 100% guaranteebing you will love it or your monkey back. Check it...
Saw a homeless guy in a doorway and I asked "Would you like an air mattress to sleep on buddy?" He replied "Oh yeah, thanks man!" I chuckled "Here, you can have this old air guitar too".
--
I found a load of old porn DVDs that had been in the loft for years and as I was going through them I couldn't help thinking to myself "Fuck me, some of these girls will be teenagers by now".
--
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him "Why did you stand up?" He answered "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself".
--
It wasn't until their second date that Debbie realised that John was a braggart. They were doubling with another couple for dinner, and John whispered to her "Instead of dessert, how about we just go to my place, and I'll slip ya nine inches?" "Hmmmmm" responded Debbie. "How do you intend to do that? Strap a 6-inch dildo to your 3-inch ding dong?"
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot all about it until the last minute. She was forced to rush so baked an angel cake. When she took it from the oven, the centre had dropped flat.
She said "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake".
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom... a roll of toilet paper! She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say "Thank you, I baked it myself".
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of".
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir?
He asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of".
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant". Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of".
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light". he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea".
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain". said the fourth man. "You see the other day wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd crapped in my pants!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him "You're a pig! A pig with no honour! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!"
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" sobbed the angry wife "but they will be your LAST words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colours don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly 'Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
NUDE IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS previously: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the Duke worriedly". "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy".
"That is truly astonishing" said the Duke "I hereby admit you into my service".
The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favour in return" the Duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot".
"Well" said the boy "first I fire the arrow at the tree... and then I paint the target around it".
33 BABES WITH WHOSE PIERCED NIPPLES ARE TITILLATING
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BARBEQUE (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner".
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
PARK (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and feel each other up". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilisers".
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says "Yep, I sure do".
Satan says "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says "Nope, I sure ain't".
Satan, perturbed, asks "And why aren't you afraid of me?" "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years".
GIRLS DRESSING ON THE BEACH. I'M TRIGGERED BUT IN A VERY GOOD WAY.
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:" What in the world happened?" The assistant replied "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "PEANUTS!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best-looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life.
Satiated, the man asks the madam "How much do I owe you?" The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam, she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute" he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says "Tonight you weren't being filmed".
An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of nowhere. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks.
The American points to the Canadian and says "You will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire". The Canadian nods.
Then he points to the Japanese and says "You will be in charge of supplies". The Japanese nods.
"And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset".
They agreed and went off their own ways.
By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is nowhere to be found.
After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with caution because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPRISE!!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there in between regular 3-day bans.
-Check out the archives. Imagine a continuous 20 year orgasm and that's the archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Not quite February but close enough for a "ZOMG I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS FEBRUARY ALREADY!"
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will really cross about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fuck PETA, eat meat. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.01.17-21.25
Welcome to toxic masculinityfemininity people.
Having a good week. The sun is shining, a surprisingly good work/life balance and nothing expensive has broken or caught on fire. There have been a couple of highlights. The main of which was the fuckwit garbage truck guy spilling the contents of our overloaded bin not once but twice and then watching him pick it all up. Obviously taking pleasure in watching him do this makes me sound like a piece of shit but he's a fuckwit so its okay. A few months back we needed our bin re-emptied because the contents didn't all come out. I called the council, he came back to do it, and left the bin down the street, over the road on its side. Some sort of "Fuck you for making me come back". Another time he tried to fight our neighbour. Imagine someone miserable, grumpy, rude and collects waste for a living = him. Next, Facebook put me in jail [for posting this on the Orsm FB page], then busted me for something I posted weeks ago. For some reason getting busted the second time eased some of the restrictions on what I can do whilst in jail. The lesson here is don't do one thing wrong, do several.
Alright dudes that's enough pollywaffle. This update is behemoth. No shit - whittled down almost a 1000 video clips to the 80 or some you are about to devour. Everything else... well I can assure you no disappointment awaits. Check it...
"Have you got something to tell me?" asked a mate. "What do you mean?" I retorted. "Well you and my mum were a bit friendly last night" he replied accusingly. "We just falked... I mean talked, I uttered mistakenly. "You better explain yourself, cunt" he barked. I replied "Have you ever heard of a 'Freudian slip' it's when you say one thing and mean I fucked your mother... Â I mean another".
--
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance. He called her into his office and said "You graduated university and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought for a moment and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
--
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death". He turned around and said "So, you want me to stay?"
--
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?" I said "No, you're still black".
--
A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. Â They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it" the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in". A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?!"
--
The man's millennial daughter came running in in tears. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in a big bank, I did, and now that big bank is in trouble". "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the country!" he said "there must be some mistake". "I don't think so" she sniffed. "They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying 'insufficient funds'".
--
A young man asked "Will you marry me?" "No" the lady replied "but I admire your good taste".
--
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique". replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly". "This is certainly most helpful" said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it". "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry".
--
Maury and Pauly were at the bar again. "Tell me, old pal, old pal" said Maury "if you had five cars, would you give me one?" "You betcha" said Pauly. "And" continued Maury "if you had five houses, would you give me one?" "Yes sir-ee bob" said Pauly "I surely would". "And if you had five pairs of shoes" persisted Maury "would you give me one?" "Of course" said Pauly". And if you had five dollars, would you give me one?" "Nope" said Pauly. "Any why not?" asked Maury indignantly. "Because I HAVE five dollars".
Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us".
--
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down". The second lady says "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood" she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks "Who's there?"
--
A gay guy walks into the grocery store and heads back towards the meat department. After a few moments of looking at the merchandise, the butcher asks him if he would like to place an order. The gay guy says yes, and orders 5 pounds of salami. The butcher asks him if he would like that sliced. The gay guy replied "What, does my asshole look like a piggybank?"
--
LAWYER: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" WITNESS: "Yes". LAWYER: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" WITNESS: "Yes, sir". LAWYER: "What did she say?" WITNESS: "'What nightclub am I at?'"
Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says:
"OLD TIMERS BAR - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS".
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says "That'll be 10 cents each, please".
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please". They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally, one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor and always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same".
"Wow!! That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, them... they're pensioners. They're waiting for happy hour!"
"Sir you have got to help!" said the tearful man at the door. "There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely any food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!"
The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.
"Well" said the man at the door "that really is a sad story. Why don't you come inside and we'll talk about it a little more?"
"So how much money is needed exactly?" asked the man when they were both seated. "Oh it's really terrible" said the man starting up again "Why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they'll be kicked out onto the streets".
"How do you know so much about this situation?" asked the man as he reached for his cheque book.
"Well" said the man breaking down once more "they are my tenants..."
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions".
"Anything, anything" said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement".
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France".
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally" she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis".
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said "Okay okay okay, I cut, I cut!"
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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father "How does this boat float?" The father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again, the father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son".
Finally, the boy asked his father "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'".
Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed".
The black lab said "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down".
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch".
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked "Why are you here?" I'm a humper" the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped".                                                   Â
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A few days before the young couple was to get married, the girl accidentally walked in on her husband to be. He was just climbing out of the shower drying his head with a towel and didn't see her.
She was unsure of what she had seen, so she went to her doctor for advice. "Doc" she said "What is that long thing between a man's legs?" "Well, that is called the penis" he said. "Oh" she said.
"Well, what is that big round thing on the end of the penis?" "That is called the head of the penis". the doctor said. "Oh" she said.
"Well, what are those big round things located about thirteen inches back from the head of the penis?" The doctor said "Honey, I don't know about your boyfriend but on me, that is the cheeks of my ass".
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favourite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student. "John". "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in the bath" came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door.
He asked again "Sir, what is your name?" "Jeff". "Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in a bath" was the answer.
Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime... watching bubbles in a bath.
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?" "Bubbles".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two women are talking. One asks "How is your son doing?" "My son? the poor, poor lad! What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful. And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He does the cooking and sewing and washing and cleaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed".
Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with Jack, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.
Jack picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Jack also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!"
Jack said "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!" Jill looked at Jack and said "Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"
PERKY TITS, SHAVEN VAJ AND... YEP I WANT TO SEE MORE!
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. It's where I buried the treasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. And that'll be 6,963 since 1st January 2000.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will drug you then rub a toad over your cock. The idea is to give you dozens of warts making sex and masturbation very uncomfortable, if not impossible. The idea is still in testing - he's not exactly sure which toads give warts, if they are easily treatable and so on.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay excellent to each otter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.01.10-15.33
Welcome to found hanging naked in the closet of his Bangkok hotel room with ropes tied around his neck, genitals, and wrists.
Still easing myself back in so not going to write a whole bunch of words here. Have instead focused all my efforts on bringing what will long be remembered as the worst possible update a human can produce most amazing piece of adult entertainment ever concocted. Please enjoy it - its all for you. Check it...
After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to re learn the basics. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself, and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs... again.
--
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colours; Fill your plate with bright colours; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
--
When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! I shat myself when I heard there were things called Cockroaches!
--
The wife has become very insecure in her middle age. "I'm so jealous of you" she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence". "Don't be silly" I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you". "Really?" she asked, as her face lit up. "Of course" I said. "You get to be married to me. I'm stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch".
--
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed
past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back" said one child "No" said another. "He's just for good luck". A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs" she said firmly "to find the fire hydrants".
--
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening".
--
Some people don't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have internet.
--
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist". "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?" "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
--
"That wife of mine is a liar!" said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Samantha". "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Samantha!"
--
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says "GOOD... get your own fucking blanket!!"
A woman asked me "So how come you're in your mid-thirties and haven't had kids?" I replied "Because I don't want to end up like my dad, working 90 hours a week, living in a damp old flat, only seeing my kids twice a year, having some other wanker act like their dad, sending 50% my income to my whore ex who is fucking everyone in a 5-mile radius and living in a huge posh house that I've fucking paid for, mum".
--
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course, I can run" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
--
The guy from across the road was looking distraught, so I asked him what was up. He said "My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman". I asked "What? That fat ugly thing I see every morning outside your house?" "Yes" he laughed, cheering up a bit. I said "Why would Dave the Milkman want to shag that?"
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty-dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
Then she said "Have you ever seen $75,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No!" he said... trying hard now to hide his anticipation.
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating MY porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells "For God's sake! How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was MUMMY BEAR who got up first. It was MUMMY BEAR who woke everyone in the house. It was MUMMY BEAR who made the coffee. It was MUMMY BEAR who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was MUMMY BEAR who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was MUMMY BEAR who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was MUMMY BEAR who set the damn table. It was MUMMY BEAR who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water!!"
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace MUMMY BEAR with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family". "It was" sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ".
"I seem to recall that" Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it" snorted the Sister. "In fact, I used profane language today".
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the 5th tee - and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540-yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my" commiserated Mother Superior. "How unfortunate. But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister". "No, that wasn't it" admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway".
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme". sympathised Mother Superior. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws".
"So that's when you cursed" said Mother Superior with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either" cried the Sister, anguished "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup".
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "Missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand-new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "Okay old fart, time for you to retire". The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over!"
The old rooster says "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop". The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start".
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and *BOOM* he blows the young rooster to bits!
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month".
Moral of the Story: Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance.
30 SECRETARIES WHO ARE *DEFINITELY* GETTING [AND GIVING] A RAISE
The bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped". Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him".
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes. But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!" Limply turning his head, He yells at her "HEY, IT'S NOT A LIFE SENTENCE!"
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And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly".
The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge".
The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon".
The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari".
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard".
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider:
"One American solider is better than 10 Taliban fighters!"
So the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again.
"One American solider is better than 100 Taliban fighters!"
So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again.
"One American solider is better than 1000 Taliban fighters!"
So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over.
The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "Don't send any more men it's a trap - there is really just two of them!"
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work".
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy" Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:
Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue, I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental". But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell - bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!
Robert asked "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem".
"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone said:
"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog".
ONLY GOOD THINGS TO SAY ABOUT GIRLS WHO GET NAKED ON THE INTERNET..
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives and my aggots.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Aaaaand that'll be middle-Jan already.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will complain that the my friend Ray's aren't as good as they used to be. That may be true but Ray is a pessimisstic old fuck these days soooo...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go sell crazy some place else - we're all stocked up here. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.01.03-13.13
Welcome to here not here.
I came home drunk last night and the wife wasn't happy. "How much have you had to drink?" she demanded, staring at me. "Nothing" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice".
--
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer. "I know" says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up".
--
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? They're both half empty.
--
Did you know that oranges are actually male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male. And if it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's female.
--
Mick has gone to court to have the word "blacklisted" banned. Required to state his case, Mick said "This racist word is demoralising for the blacks of this country! How can you put people on a list just because they're black? Why not put whites on a list also?" The judge, after looking pained and after thinking for a minute said "Whites are on a separate list, they are called 'Tax Payers'!"
--
The wife just called me. She said "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine's Day, they are absolutely gorgeous". I replied "That's probably why they've received flowers then".
--
Women are always bragging about being able to multi-task. FFS... it's really just a side effect of their complete inability to make up their mind.
--
"It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up". "That's not how field sobriety tests work" the police officer replied.
--
A little old man shuffled slowly into and ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully up on a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The young waitress asked kindly "Crushed nuts?" "No" he replied "arthritis".
--
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says "GOOD... get your own fucking blanket!!!
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers. Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever" the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy" replies the man. "These are my khakis".
--
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat". Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old". The man asked "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered "No, he minded his own fucking business!"...
--
To the person that stole my anti-depressants... I hope your happy now!
--
Wife: "I read yesterday that losing weight can significantly improve a man's sexual health and desire..." Me, from behind the paper: "So which gym did you join?"
Three patients Clive, Daryl and Chuck in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the chief psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they can't pass the exam, the institution will detain them for six years.
The psychiatrist takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks Clive to jump.
Clive jumps head first into the pool and cracks his skull.
Then Daryl jumps and breaks his hipbone.
Finally, it's Chuck's turn but he looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. Chuck answered "Well Doctor, I can't swim!"
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived !
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS. Fucking hot down here!
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...
"Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse".
Ma yells back "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it". So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix". So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand" she started off with one of the first applicants "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question". She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case".
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted "He sued me for the money..."
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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye".
Mrs. Parks said "Very good, Billy" then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed".
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls out one of the nuns. "Blind man" replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits, sister" says the man "Where do you want these blinds?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed".
There was a fish in the water thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him".
There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him".
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch".
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich".
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch".
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is probably in danger.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. 2019 marks 20 years of all this and its all there.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Join me as I attempt to top this beast.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will, else my friend Ray will, else my friend Ray will, else my friend Ray will, else my friend Ray will, else my friend Ray will...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and best fucking wishes for the new fucking year. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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