Given that today is a public holiday to mark Australia Day that could've been an excuse to flag the update and enjoy a day off. But no... I went the other way with it and worked like a motherfucker all week to get the update up and the day off. Seems to have been well worth the effort too - the temp is set to hit 40°C [104°F] and who in their right mind would rather sit in front of a computer when there's all that going on? So, as has been the case in the past few weeks, we will start the update with a crapload of jokes. Happy Straya Day. Check it...
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate" the bartender told him "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
--
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table". So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then" he says "now will you please pass the pussy".
--
These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur "I've FUCKED your mum!" The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces "Your mum has sucked my DICK!" The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar. After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts "I've fucked your mum UP THE ARSE!" By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says "Look, dad, you're drunk. Now fuck off home!"
--
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey" she signs "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
--
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume" she snarled "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is" he replied. "Breakfast".
--
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him". The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No" Doc replies "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".
--
A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented "Hmmm... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles". The boy quickly replied "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward".
--
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot".
--
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake". The doctor looked puzzled and asked "What mistake was that?" "I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
--
There were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "Okay but don't wank in there, save it for later". The first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees semen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank... I farted!"
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back "What's the good news then, Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies "I'm fucking her".
--
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush". The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush". "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
--
There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!" "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No" she replied "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally immigrate into New York.
Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others.
Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS" with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.
The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says "What part of the dog did you get?"
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes!" he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore!"
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realise they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached". The woman doctor agrees to it.
They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes" says the woman "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started" he says. "That makes sense" says the woman.
"You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies "Because I didn't feel a thing".
THAT FEELING WHENEVER SHE'S WEARING A SINGLET: OH HELLS YES!
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FLORIDA
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -a reason I've never before heard- I'll let you go". The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir" replied the trooper.
GEORGIA
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everthang but my earrings".
LOUISIANA
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana". When asked why, he replied "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world".
MISSISSIPPI
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number".
NORTH CAROLINA
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passer-by studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied "I got a flat tahr". The passer-by asked "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither".
TENNESSEE
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked "Got any ID?" The driver replied "Bout whut?"
TEXAS
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?" "Yep" he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called an ambulance and when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
CHANGING ROOM SELFIES BECAUSE WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY BODY??
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you".
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest". "Don't worry, Maria" says the mother" all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you".
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you".
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta" says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
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A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist.
Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness" she exclaimed "I was expecting to see a foot". "Well" he said "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere".
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Haven't heard these in a while, but it is so warped and deranged, it makes me laugh.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Here's Everything in January so far. Now times that by 16 years and that should keep you busy for a while!
-Next update will be next Thursday. February all-fucking-ready.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will will lecture you on why Reclaim Australia actually makes some valid arguments. Politely telling him you're not interested and would like to talk about something else will only make him angry and aggressive and talk to you about them for longer.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy fucking Australia Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.01.19-18.40
Welcome to vanilla ice cream - WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT?
I'm not going to lie... so much went into this motherfucking update that I ran out of time to write a blog section thingy up the top here. Starting to think that it may be better to keep it that way for the rest of Jan. After all next Thursday is the Australia Day public holiday and fuck if anyone wants to sit in front of the 'puter all day. On the other hand, the 'puter is what saves me from having to interact with people soooo lets not rule anything out yet.
My only news, well not my ONLY news, I'm not THAT boring, like I have news, probably, but I'm not going to write about it because that would defeat the purpose of saying I'm not going to write a proper long blog section thingy and then writing one, is that the broken iPhone situation thing mentioned last week is both better and worse. Took it to the Apple Store who said it was damaged beyond repair from dropping. No arguments there. That poor iPhone must've been dropped hundreds of times over the past 2 years. Come to think of it, I dropped it travelling in the States in 2015 which required a new screen and, come to think of it, got travel insurance to foot the bill.
So annnnyway went online to my insurance company and made a claim. Literally wrote "I dropped my phone :-(". They called 30 minutes later to say they'll pay for a replacement and waive the excess. Pretty impressive. Next hurdle was to make a third Apple Store appointment/visit. Of course the next available was Saturday which doesn't suit. So... decided to go with the post option, sent it on Monday, they are supposed to notify by SMS when it's received. Of course haven't heard a thing 3 days later. So my question is - will insurance pay out again on the same claim if it is lost in the post?
Al right here's a rather large stack of jokes to get you going. If you don't laugh then YOU'RE a joke. And a little bitch. And in some cases a dog. But I digress. Check it...
A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks". He says "All right". They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says "What's the extra five?" He says "That's for blowing the sand off my balls".
--
A man was stranded in the desert for ten years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said "Would you like a cigar?" The man said "Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years". So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said "Would you like a drink?" The man said "Lady, I ain't drank in ten years". So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said "Would you like to play around?" The man said with astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!?"
--
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything" the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
--
A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle 5". He says "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife". The clerk says "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says "No, I only call her that in public". The clerk says "What do you call her when you're home?" He says "Lard ass".
--
A farmer goes halves with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows!" "Wow!" says his friend "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint".
--
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum". The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
--
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "WATCH THE FUCKING WALL!"
--
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!" which the guy took to be pleasurable. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No... you got the right hole..."
--
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice. My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.
--
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says "What should we do?" Bill says "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help". So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says "Help me get him in the boat". They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing". Bill says "Give him mouth to mouth". Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath". Bill says "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either".
--
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart". He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low 'Hsssssss'. A few miles down the road, the second fag announced "Excuse me, but I have to fart". The announcement was followed by another low 'Hsssssss'. "Jesus Fuckin Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen to this!". A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse. "Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!"
--
A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both on Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the rich man "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring". The poor man says "Why'd you get her both?" The rich man says "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy". The poor man says "Okay that works". The Rich man says "Well what did you get your wife?" The poor man says "A pair of slippers and a dildo". The Rich man says "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo...?" The poor man says "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
101 HOUSEHOLD USES FOR VEGEMITE
Vegemite has been in the news this week as the iconic Aussie brand came back to Aussie ownership. Hardly surprising really - it's no secret the rest of the world thinks we're fucking retarded for our love of Vegemite. We get it though - it has a distinctive [read: unappealing] odour, taste and colour that anyone not brought up eating every day for breakfast cannot wrap their head around. Thankfully, for all of you who are culinarily bankrupt, Vegemite is actually so much more than just a tasty condiment. According to the below list it's a must have household cleaning product. No doubt there's a few interesting ideas contained within and it may just work amazingly well but I can't get away from the fact everything you cleaned with it is just going to stink like Vegemite...
CLEANING: 1. Naturally disinfect all surfaces (mix 1 part Vegemite with 1 part water in a spray bottle)
2. Scrub stuck on stains (make a paste with Vegemite and baking soda and scrub with a sponge) 3. Clean your dishwasher (put 1 cup into the bottom of the dishwasher and run it with no dishes inside)
4. In place of rinse aid, fill the dishwasher liquid holder on your dishwasher with Vegemite instead) 5. Clean out your coffee maker (pour 2 c. Vegemite and 1 c. water into the coffee maker and run a full brew cycle. Remove and replace the filter and run 2 cycles of just water)
6. Disinfect cutting boards 7. Clean and disinfect pots, pans, utensils, plates, cups, etc.
8. Clean your hands with Vegemite to remove strong onion and garlic odours 9. Keep sponges and kitchen rags fresh by soaking in Vegemite water overnight. (rinse them before using again)
10. Clean "un-washable appliances" (spray diluted Vegemite in/on them and then just wipe with a damp cloth or paper towel.) 11. Unclog your drains
12. Natural de-greaser (clean with Vegemite and then rinse with cold water) 13. Microwave: (pour 1/4 cup Vegemite and 1 cup water in a glass bowl; microwave on high for 5 minutes; wipe clean)
14. Disinfect ice trays and remove build-up (soak ice trays in diluted Vegemite overnight and then rinse with cold water) 15. Mix Vegemite with citrus juice to freshen your garbage disposal (citrus peals work great too)
16. Naturally clean your fruits and veggies by soaking them in 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water 17. Clean a non-self-cleaning oven by spraying the inside with diluted Vegemite and then sprinkling with baking soda. Let sit for 5-10 minute and then scrub with a sponge
18. Clean your stove top 19. Remove hard water spots from stainless steel by wiping with a cloth dipped in Vegemite
20. Clean the insides of water bottles and coffee thermoses by "swishing" with diluted Vegemite - this will naturally kill any bacteria lingering at the bottom where you might not be able to reach. 21. Clean counters and all surfaces with 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water
22. Toilets (put Vegemite directly in the toilet, let it sit for a few minutes, and then scrub with toilet brush) 23. Mirrors
24. Showers and bathtubs 25. Stinky towels (wash towels with 1/2 cup Vegemite in the rinse cycle)
26. Mould and mildew (mix 3 Tablespoons Vegemite, 1 teaspoon Borax, and 2 cup hot water. Shake, spray, and let it soak for a few minutes, then rub the area with a soft brush or cloth) 27. Remove hard water stains from your shower nozzle by pouring 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water in a plastic bag. Use a rubber band to attach the bag to the nozzle and let soak for 10-15 minutes.
28. Remove lime scale build-up on your shower door or in your tub by heating a small container of Vegemite to the boiling point.
Pour Vegemite over the problem areas and it should loosen the lime. 29. Wash your shower curtain by putting in the washing machine with a few old towels.
Use 1/2 cup laundry detergent and 1/2 cup baking soda for the wash cycle, and then 1 cup Vegemite for the rinse cycle.
30. Clean the grimy soap build up from your soap dish by soaking it in 1 part Vegemite and 1 part warm water general home cleaning... 31. Wood floors (mix 1 cup Vegemite with 4 litres warm water; clean floors with this mixture and then dry with a clean cloth.
32. Use it in a steam mop to clean most surfaces 33. Leather sofas/chairs (spray diluted Vegemite over surface and "buff" with a soft clean cloth.
34. Walls (wipe down pretty much any wall surface with a cloth dampened with dilute Vegemite. 35. Disinfect kid's toys, books, etc. using 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water.
36. Remove dirt and stains from your mattress by blotting with a clean cloth dipped in Vegemite. If the spot is still damp, simply sprinkle a little baking soda over the area and vacuum it up. 37. Clean the filters in your dehumidifier / humidifier by soaking them in diluted Vegemite for 1 hour
38. Clean mini blinds by soaking them in a bathtub filled with warm water and a few cups of dilute Vegemite 39. Spot clean carpets by spraying a little dilute Vegemite on the spot and blotting it with a damp cloth
40. Wipe down the inside of all your refrigerator shelves and drawers for a food-safe alternative to traditional cleaners. 41. Wipe down electronics (computer keys, mouse, phone keypad, etc. by wiping with a rag dipped in Vegemite.
42. Clean residue and build-up on the inside of your washing machine by dumping in 2 cup of Vegemite and running it on the quick cycle. 43. Remove water rings from wood furniture by mixing 1 part Vegemite and 1 part olive oil. Dip a soft cloth in the mixture and rub on the affected area (going with the grain).
Then wipe with a clean, dry cloth. LAUNDRY: (simply add about 1/2 cup to your rinse cycle to...)
44. Remove built-up soap residue 45. Reduce static cling
46. Naturally soften your clothes, towels, blankets, etc. 47. Stop colours from running
48. Whiten whites 49. Reduce irritation for those with sensitive skin
50. Prolong the life of your tights and nylons 51. Remove lingering odours (cigarette smell, smoke, gas)
52. Eliminate that "mouldy" smell from damp towels and work-out clothes you can also soak/scrub items in dilute Vegemite to... 53. Remove yellow stains from sweat
54. Remove blood stains (let soak for 10 minutes) 55. Remove ink stains (mix 2 parts Vegemite and 3 parts corn-starch, rub on stain, let dry, wash) when ironing, use Vegemite to help with...
56. Removing wrinkles (mist clothing with 1 part Vegemite and 3 parts water) 57. Cleaning the inside of your iron (fill the water reservoir with dilute Vegemite)
58. Cleaning the metal plate of your iron (mix 1 part Vegemite and 1 part salt and scrub the plate with this paste) 59. Eliminating scorch marks (rub the scorched area with a cloth dipped in Vegemite and then blot with a clean towel) HEALTH & BEAUTY:
60. Hair rinse (in place of conditioner). Just rub Vegemite in your hair and rinse well 61. Clean your children's retainers or braces by soaking them in dilute Vegemite for a few minutes
62. Strengthen your nails by regularly dipping them in Vegemite 63. Prevent infections by rubbing small cuts with Vegemite
64. Dry up a cold sore by dabbing it with a cotton ball rubbed in Vegemite 65. Swallow 1 teaspoon of Vegemite to help relieve constipation and/or heartburn
66. Kill lice by spraying warm dilute Vegemite onto the scalp just before the final rinse. This will break down the "glue" the nits/lice use to attach to the hair 67. Soften your cuticles by soaking in a bowl of dilute Vegemite for 5 minutes
68. Get rid of blemishes by mixing 1 part Vegemite with 10 parts water and dabbing the solution on your freshly-washed face with a clean cotton ball 69. Soothe sunburned skin by soaking a towel dilute Vegemite and then laying over the burned areas
70. Naturally whiten your teeth by dipping a toothbrush in Vegemite and brushing your teeth (only do this once a week and rinse thoroughly with water after you are finished) 71. Put Vegemite on the pad of a bandage and cover your warts. Replace with a fresh bandage every night and the warts should be gone within a week
72. Mix a few tablespoons of Vegemite in your baby's bath water to help with diaper rash 73. Remove the hairspray residue from your flat iron or curling iron by wiping with a rag dipped in Vegemite
74. Clean brushes and combs by letting them sit in a 1 gallon of water mixed with 1 cup of Vegemite HOME & GARDEN: 75. Clean your windshield wipers with Vegemite to keep them functioning properly
76. Loosen rust - like rusted-on screws or rusty patio furniture by soaking the areas in dilute Vegemite 77. Keep flying bugs away from your outdoor parties by putting Vegemite in a shallow dish away from your food. By the end of the night, your dish will be full of "floating bugs"!
78. Make a fly trap for your kitchen by filling a mason jar half full of Vegemite. Then punch holes in the lid and put the lid back on. The flies will crawl through, but won't be able to get out again. 79. Mosquito spray - just pour dilute Vegemite in a spray bottle and spritz on your skin. The Vegemite smell will go away after a few minutes, but you should be bug-free all night!
80. Clean the grill by scrubbing the grates with Vegemite and scrubbing with a grill brush 81. Spray it on your weeds as a natural weed killer
82. Clean all your patio furniture with 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water in a spray bottle 83. Clean your lawn mower blades (rub Vegemite on the blades and scrub off)
84. Keep cats out of your children's sand box by pouring Vegemite around the outside of the box 85. Put a few drops of Vegemite in your dog's water bowl to neutralize his/her urine and prevent those ugly brown/yellow patches in your grass
86. Keep flies away from your pool by pouring Vegemite around the outside edges of the pool 87. Spray ripening melons and pumpkins with Vegemite to prevent mould from growing on the skin
88. Quickly clean bird droppings by spraying the area with Vegemite and then wiping with a cloth/sponge. This will also disinfect the area. 89. Keep uninvited guests out of your veggie garden by soaking several rags in Vegemite and then placing them around your garden. Repeat the process every 7-10 days.
90. Before you start painting, wipe down the surfaces with a cloth dipped in Vegemite and let dry. This will assure that all the dirt and grease is removed and the paint will adhere properly. 91. Remove the "skunk smell" from dogs (or anything else) by washing with 1 part Vegemite and 1 part water and then rinsing thoroughly with warm water. MISC:
92. Make your favourite vinaigrette or salad dressing 93. Tenderize tough cuts of meat mixing a little Vegemite in with your other marinating ingredients.
94. Use it to "pickle" almost anything! 95. Freshen smelly shoes by spraying the insides with Vegemite, placing them in a paper bag, and then putting the bag in the freezer overnight.
96. Add 2 tablespoons of Vegemite to the water when boiling an egg to prevent the yolks from turning brown 97. Add 2 tablespoons to the water when poaching an egg to stop it from "spreading" out
98. Naturally sanitize baby bottles/nipples by washing with Vegemite and warm water and then storing in the freezer 99. Remove sticky residue from labels, stickers, gum, etc. by rubbing the area with a rag dipped in Vegemite
100. Use Vegemite and baking soda as rising agents in vegan cake (I've never tried this, but I'm told it works) 101. Polish sliver by mixing 1/2 c. white Vegemite and 2 tablespoons baking soda together. Then letting your silver soak for 2-3 hours, rinse with cool water, and dry immediately.
After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler".
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00". She says "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $34.50 please".
The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".
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One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says "She's fantastic in bed".
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed".
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your pussy.
That's Donald Trump.
You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?" The other answered "I don't know - I thought you were watching".
all i'm saying is there are some fucking hot girls that like to smoke the marijuana
There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they wanted.
The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year.
The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year.
The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex.
The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying.
They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said "I forgot my lighter!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies'". "
She did this every day faithfully.
After several months, it worked. She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies".
A guy sitting nearby asked her "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said "Hickory dickory dock..."
LET'S SEE IF CHUBBIES................. WILL GIVE YOU A CHUBBY...
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum, I have something to tell you... I'm gay".
His mother made no reply or gave any response. Silence. Just as the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously "Uh, yeah, mum, that's right".
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Every single update ever. Even the bad ones.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If no update then I have died.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will stab you in the back literally and figuratively.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop acting in a way that makes me judge you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.01.12-17.05
Welcome to Ice Ice Grown-Up.
It'd be foolish to have spent the whole week sat in front of my computer thumping into this update when so much effort had been made late in the year so that wouldn't happen... but hey I'm dumb, can lift heavy things and love playing the martyr card.
My iPhone seems to have completely fucked itself. I love my iPhone. Actually if I'm being honest I love having mobile access to information. I'm not THAT in love with Apple... and I never will be because iTunes. Fuck iTunes. Nonetheless, would find it very hard to convey using words just how frustrating the last 11 days've been. Sure, people may be ducking terrorists in Syria and that probably sucks for them but they should try dealing with a problematic iPhone and see which is worse. I think we all know the answer. One second its fine, the next it freezes. Hit the lock button, then the home button, then it's okay again, or it isn't. Then it's completely fine for a whole day and suddenly becomes unusable right when I'm trying to make a call or Whatsapp friends in Syria. Obvious solution [after unsuccessfully Googling] was an Apple store visit. Try and make an appointment... next available is a week away! Thinking I have a better chance just heading to the city and waiting for someone to look at it, that's what we did... along with probably 500 or so other people. Apparently the weeks after Xmas are chaos because that's when people mostly break their shit. Makes sense. Regardless, am pretty sure they'll take one look and suggest screen replacement or handset swap and I'll be left wondering why I didn't just take it to one of those Chinese repair places in a shopping mall somewhere...
Alright alright alright. I could drag this out OR post a big bunch of jokes here. While you decide which you'd prefer I'ma get busy with the update. Check it...
A man goes to a shrink and says "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy". "No, that's not it" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn".
--
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologises up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair". Gary says "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
--
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M" came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out".
--
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea". Replied the widow "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was".
--
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer". A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out "You bastard". The judge says "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer". The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "You God-damned bastard". The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one".
--
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there were no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town".
--
Innkeeper: "The room is $15. A night. It's $5. If you make your own bed". Guest: "I'll make my own bed". Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood".
--
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry" he assures her "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk". As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem" he replies "I'll get my wife's diaphragm". After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
--
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one".
Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you".
--
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources rep asked a young engineer fresh out of university "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package". The interviewer said "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 week's vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years... say, a BMW?" The engineer sat up straight and said "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied "Yeah, but you started it".
--
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor "Can I help you?" The man said "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
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THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE MOVIES
-Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
-One of a pair of identical twins is evil. -Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
-It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
-When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
-If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22. -Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
-Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. -During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
-All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her. -All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
-It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. -If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. -However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. -You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. -A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down. -If someone says "I'll be right back" they won't.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time. -All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
-A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves.
The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe.
The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France!" was what he cried out as he disembowelled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe.
The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your fucking canoe!"
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?"
The man answered "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
HOT GIRLS TANNING galleries previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
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Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says "I'm going to become a lion tamer". The other replies "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming!" "Yes I do!"
"Well okay, answer me this.... when one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down".
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down".
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him".
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage".
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that".
A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket!" To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage.
Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ship's crew, the pirates were defeated.
Noticing a trend, one of the ship's crew members approaches the captain "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition". The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work.
Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex". The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do" she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today".
Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well woll well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well... well.
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Or don't. Your loss, bucko!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Will officially be back at my desk next week. Waaahhhh :-(
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will punch fuck your mum.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and why do you stink of ass? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.01.05-20.32
Welcome to his mudder was a mudder.
Ahhh January. Fuck you. Regards, everyone back to work/school/whatever already.
And now a buttload of jokes because I think that’s a better use of my time than writing a big long blog about the holidays that all the fuckers still on them won't read. Check it...
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in..." she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says "Put your whole hand in!" The guy's like "OK!" So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!! So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't" says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"
--
For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans so he substituted with hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes. He frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?" "I can't lie to ya" Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc".
--
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she screamed, as she got all so excited then she un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever all over the kitchen table... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before...
--
I was fucking my secretary up the arse over the office desk when my wife walked in "You can't do this to me!" she screamed. "I know" I said "That's why I'm doing it to her!"
--
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked".
--
My mate phoned me last night and said "Quickly come around to mine!" "Why?" I asked. He said "You'll see when you get here". After a 20 minute drive I arrived at his house and said "What is it?" He said "See that lamp on the table?" I said "Yeah". He said "Rub the top of it and see what happens". I rubbed the top of the lamp and screamed "FUCK THAT HURT!" He said "I know, that bulb has been on non-stop for 2 weeks now".
--
A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going. "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body". The policeman asks "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?" "My wife..."
--
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother "Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are". His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear". A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents "Are all my relatives' real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears". Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because" said the young polar bear "I'm fucking freezing!
--
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true" the woman wanted to know "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so". The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
--
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it".
--
A guy is eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne - on me!" The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there". She says to the waiter "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants". The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, TEN million dollars in the bank, but no way am I cutting four inches off!"
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week" she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies "He died last week". The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz" he replied laughing "I just love hearing it..."
--
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee". "That's a complicated order sir" said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult". The guest replied sarcastically "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
--
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor" he said sadly "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail". The vet stepped back "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
MANAGEMENT STYLES EXPLAINED
MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
MANAGING BY POST-ITS
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busyness by continuously writing on Post-Its' while you are talking.
MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organisations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organisation with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organisation from having a better infrastructure.
BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication).
MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
MANAGING BY REORGANISATION
If they think there is nothing more to organise, they reorganise.
MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent".
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully".
The husband replies "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before... but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"
The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies "yes. Yes he did have a different father". Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay... I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said "YOU".
SMALL BOOBS AREN'T EVERYTHING... BUT THEY'RE PRETTY CLOSE!
GIRLS WITH SMALL BOOBS previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
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He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?" The little voice says "That's my mummy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream". The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream".
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..." "I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream".
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..." The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream". "Okay" the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street.
Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mum "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike".
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike". The kid says "That's okay, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars".
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?" "I'll never tell".
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money". "I'll never tell".
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession". So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..." And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me".
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch". The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts "And get me another whisky you slut". Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says "For someone who can't fly, you sure are lippy... "
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said "Okay, take off all you crose". The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room". Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me". So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates".
Worried, the woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass".
GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN... AND GET YOUR CLOTHES OFF!
GIRLS IN THE KITCHEN previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.
The first flea asked "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers moustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said "Don't you know the special trick to getting' here? First you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies bathrooms, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where it's niiiice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.
The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied "I did just as you said. I went to the ladies bathrooms and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers moustache!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Hudreds of updates like the one you've just devoured plus so much more. BTW that isn't a marketing crap... there really is 100's of updates going back to the turn of the century!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Itsa purty.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will clone you, have the clone commit some horrible crimes against the disabled, destroy the clone, the post the pics on Orsm.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop being a little bitch. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
