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| orsmupdate 2008.01.31-23.57 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Want.
What's the haps, fuckas? You all good? Me... not too bad and mystified that this is update number FIVE for 2008. Err... January? What the fuck, dude? How can this be and how can you be over so quickly?
Honestly how good is eBay. Years upon years upon YEARS of painful procrastination, umm'ing and ahh'ing, justifying for and against, finally ended there last Thursday in a blaze of 'ask seller a question' and 'buy it now' action. What the fuck is this dickhead talking about you may wonder? MY shiny new Vaio is what!
Even since before I got my first PC [back in 99] I've wanted to become part of the ultra cool, hip and happening, much revered, mobile computing crowd but never quite talked myself into it. I spend 95% of my life in from of the computer, work from home and just didn't really have the use but being locked in the same damn room day in, day out takes its toll.
With that in mind let me tell you - finally having the option to sit outside, sun setting, typing away whilst getting eaten by mosquito's and watching the dog chase crows that are trying to steal her bones is truly fucking magic.
Anyway moving on. The weekend... good and bad. I'll leave the bad out.
Saturday was Australia Day which, for the uninformed, celebrates European settlement of Australia. For most people it's a chance to have a huge piss up, play some backyard cricket and if you don't mind a few hours of gridlocked traffic, a huge fireworks sky show over the river in the city. I wasn't into it this year... just wasn't too fazed abut the whole thing so as un-Australian as it makes me, I stuck close to home and tackled the mountain of papers that covered my desk. As for the sky show... 11pm replay is just as good and there's no risk of being bashed in a park by drunken retards!
I must have shit the bed Sunday because I was up at dawns crack. Take a guess what I did? If you said 'beach with dog' then you are 100% fucking correct because that's what we do EVERY Sunday. And why is that? Because dog has somehow figured out how to read a calendar and the harassment to take her there starts from the moment I open my eyes. Smart little bitch.
Monday was the day off although not technically a public holiday because Australia Day fell on the Saturday. I don't care what they call it - a day off is a day off so I made the most of it hanging out with friends which led to a mates birthday BBQ that night. A few beers, some socialising, shit talking and bloody good time. You can't beat days like that which beckons the age old question - why can't every weekend be a long weekend? Okay sure smart-arse, 'shit wouldn't get done' but I haven't woken up so well rested for months, maybe years, as I did Tuesday. Bring on Labour Day.
There was some criticism of last weeks update. A couple of naysayer's suggested it wasn't up to my usual standards but I say to them and to you all - you try getting it right every week! THAT SAID I'm confident that THIS WEEK is going to be the best fucking update anyone has ever seen EVER. If not, I guarantee your money back... wait... ohhh... this site is free so SIT DOWN, STFU and ENJOY THE UPDATE! I love you. Check it...
As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Mirta Strips - If You Build It - Pillow Fight - Cleavage - Hard'n'Fast - Mega Jugs - Wet T Contest - Columbian Pussy
Trekkie Sex - Fatty BoomBa - Asian Boobies - Germs & You - Fucking Insane - Hidden Cam Porn - Big Booty
Candle Head - Carmens Bits - Dance Off - Oh Deer - Brits Tits - Avril Bikini - Drunken - Skirting - What A Lightweight
Three men go into a hotel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30 so each man paid $10 and toddled off to the room. A while later the man behind the desk realised he'd overcharged for the room - was only supposed to be $25 so he sent the bellboy to refund the $5.
On the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between three men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself. This means that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a Total of $27 add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29. Where is the other dollar?
| BRITTNEY SKYE |
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WORLD SEX RECORDS
1. The most ejaculatory orgasms ever recorded in 1 hour for a man is 16.
2. The farthest a woman has been recorded to ejaculate is about 9'29" (3 metres)
3. The greatest distance attained for a jet of semen that has ever been recorded is 18'9" (5.71 metres) which was achieved with a "substantial" amount of seminal fluid by Horst Schultz.
4. The average speed of a man's ejaculation is 28 miles (45.05kmh). The average speed of a city bus is 25 miles (40.22 km).
5. Having swallowed the most amount of semen ever officially recorded Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints (0.96 litres) of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
6. The female gangbang world record is owned by a woman named Houston who had intercourse with 620 men in one day! A video was made of this historic event. As it took about 10 hours (with a few very brief breaks) to do it, the average time of intercourse was less than 58 seconds.
7. Women hold the record for having the most orgasms. The biggest amount of orgasms enjoyed by a woman in 1 hour ever recorded is a pussy shattering 134!
8. The male gangbang world record goes to porn actor Jon Dough who worked himself over 55 women in one day. He had 5 to 6 ejaculations. Actually, he was supposed to have had intercourse with at least 101 women, but he did the other 46 two weeks later.
9. The record of the man who has had intercourse the most frequently goes to a man who was recorded to have had intercourse about 52,000 times over a period of 30 years. This means he had intercourse on average 33.3 times a week!
10. Youngest Father - Sean Stewart, of Sharnbrook, England, became the father of a healthy 6 lb. baby boy on January 20, 1998, at age 12.
ORSM VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope," replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says, "Nope." "'You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Fine," his father said. "Stand in the corner, but keep quiet."
| HOW MUCH DO YOU SPEND? |
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN IF...
01. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
02. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
03. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something legal such as watering the garden.
04. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
05. You understand that "a group of women wearing black thongs" isn't as dirty as it sounds.
06. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
07. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
08. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
09. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
10. You call your best friend "a total cunt" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
11. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
12. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
13. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwis again.
14. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
15. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
16. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
17. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
18. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
19. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
20. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
21. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
22. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
23. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
24. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
25. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
26. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
27. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
28. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
29. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
30. You check Orsm.net religiously every Friday morning!
| MEGA MULLETS |
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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude
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a look!
READER MAIL
On we go with the behemoth backlog which has crippled my email inbox. I've even brought back to Overflow to post a whole bunch of email from late last year which I completely forgot about. Ooops... sorry dudes. You can find the new Overflow here.
If you would like to submit something to RM then that would be better than busting one into an 18 year old virgin with huge cans and a shaven fagina. Seriously it would. Think about it.. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.
Crooked Crew wrote:
Subject: Summernats
G'day mate... Thought you might enjoy our video from the recent Summernats 21 in Canberra. It was slapped together fast and the footage is random and rowdy, but most seem to enjoy watching us get kicked out with all guns blazing if you feel my drift J In ending I must say, go the rotors, f**k security and someone please get me another Jack Daniels slushy. Long time fan of your site dude. Keep up the great Aussie work! |
Terry wrote:
Subject: Now this is a "fish story"
Now this is a "fish story" and another reason I NEVER swim in the LAKE!!!! Big Fish !! This Sturgeon was caught on the Black River at South Haven Michigan last week. It weighed out at over 1,000 lbs and measured out at 11'1". It was 56" around the girth and took over 6 and a half hours and 4 dozen beers for the 4 guys taking turns reeling. |
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fredfirpo wrote:
Subject: Priceless
I saw this pick up truck yesterday, at a fishing show in San Mateo, CA. Guess the guy had a priceless experience with Allstate Insurance Company. Thought I'd share. |
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marc wrote:
Subject: Spotted today at Carousel carpark hahaha
THATS HOW WE ROLL! SOR straight ghetto... Pls dont publish my email thnx
Hah... southies. -Orsm
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E wrote:
Subject: pic
Hi Orsm, you still got the best site on the web! Keep up the good work. Thought you might like this pic of my handprint on my ex-girlfriend's arse! Cheers. |
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linda wrote:
Subject: Job Opening... Read details first.
JOB DESCRIPTION: Horse Ride Assisstant. JOB LOCATION: Beach in Cancun. SALARY: $5/week. PEOPLE NEEDED: 3. APPLICANTS (so far): 6,437,943 |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: number plate
Love the site, been visiting every week for a couple of years now... if you ever want any small design work done for your site, obviously for free… don't hesitate to email me back.. Spotted this in Melbourne... |
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Dead resto'd XY GT
This has gotta hurt.........hope he had a cover note!!!! I got this in an email, apparently the car had just undergone a $95,000 restoration, and it was crashed on the way home by the owner - ouch! I wonder if its true tho? would like to hear from someone to verify if its true. regards |
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mike wrote:
Subject: Special Deer
This was shot north of Fryburg, ND opening day. The lady had been watching the pair this fall, on opening morning she spied the one buck but his head was down dragging something. He later threw his head in the air and she noticed the second buck locked on the horns. She waited till season open at 11:00 am MT (they obviously weren't going any where very fast) and she shot. Game warden was called and a special permit was given for the other buck (which was dead, but still warm). |
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George wrote:
Subject: health services
Next time you complain about your National Health Services you should try it Trinidad Style |
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Td Td wrote:
Subject: naughty pics
Here are 3 photos of a girl I met on line here in London. We fucked I took the photos and then left just the sort of relationship I like. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of my ex....
Hey ORSM, I've been a fan for years but never had anything to submit, until now. Here's some pics of my ex-girlfriend. She was a cheating whore so I figured I would help her with her endeavors to expose herself to as many people as possible. |
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legions wrote:
Subject: Pakistan ? Crapistan !
Hey bro Orsm. Have been a reader / visitor since years now. Thought i should contribute something about my visit to this Pakistan-Crapistan. Keep the great stuff going. |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: RattleSnakeBite (GraphicPics) pretty gruesome
Story (please read before looking at pictures ) On July 21 , just after my 13th birthday, I was bitten by a Northern Pacific rattlesnake (the snake was originally identified as a Western Diamondback rattlesnake... [continues]
Fucking horrific. -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of it.
This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
| SAMMY CRUZ |
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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't too well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you're dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone".
RANDOM SHITE
Absolutely no surprises in RS this week. All clean, prim and proper. Also, Santa is real, I have a tiny penis and the US isn't heading into a recession. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER
RULE ONE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.
RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.
RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.
| WORLDS BIGGEST POOL - SAN ALFONSO DEL MAR |
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A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am, went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love." "Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while!"
Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. "Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother. "I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed, "and I wasn't about to start now!"
ORSM VIDEO
Well that's another bad boy update cooked. I hope you enjoyed chowing down on it as much as I did baking it. Oh and that was a metaphor by the way - you can't really eat an update...
- Check out the site archives. Because Ray said so.
- Spread the ORSM-DOT-NET word and I'll get my friend Ray to do that thing with his tongue. I'm not too sure what it is but I've got heaps of gay mates who've experienced it and they all reckon its fucking great.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Jamie. We hadn't seen each other for a few years but I will miss you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2008.01.24-23.52 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Anyone bringing a guitar to a BBQ or party should not be let in.
What's up dudes? How are you all? Good? I'm happy for you. Honestly I am... I'll tell everyone. And me... good although I'm not too sure how the last seven days have evaporated so quickly. At this rate summer will be over before I can scream 'No! Stop! Wait!' and we'll be staring down the barrel of winter again.
I've got to say that I'm pretty Heath Ledger'ed out at the moment. Not that I had a problem with the guy - he was a good actor and did Australia proud but I am just so fucking over the media onslaught. Those sick fucks are out of control and this was amply demonstrated with the how-many-hundred of them camped out at the scene of his death. Was it really necessary?
Surely we're the ones to blame though. No one wants to admit it but we lap this celebrity stuff up. The media, paparazzi, gossip mags, etc... they're not stupid. They know celebrity sells like crazy so go where the money is but it's out of control.
Take a look this vid of Britney for instance. Okay she's an idiot and I don't doubt for a moment that she relishes the attention and I don't doubt that her photog boyfriend calls his paparazzi mates beforehand, but seriously how many of them does it take to shoot Brit walking to her car? That's a joke and no matter how much she's brought it all upon herself no one deserves that.
Anyway back to Heath. It's amazing how many bullshit rumours started surfacing within hours of his death. Everything from drug overdose to a rolled up $20 note to pills strewn across the floor. And what do you know - none of them true. Kind of pathetic that these stories come out, completely unfounded, and ultimately taint the guys memory. Unfortunately people remember the bad things - whether they're true or not doesn't really come into it.
One last point... I can't imagine how his family would have felt learning about his death from media reports. I guess there's no mechanism when something like this happens and it would be utterly shattering. What would you do, who would you call, how would you know. Not cool.
Moving on. This Saturday is Australia Day and strangely enough nothing appears to be planned... either that or I've been ostracised and don't yet know it. It probably isn't such a bad thing whatever the reason. The sweltering 41°C [105°F] temperatures of last years Aussie Day remain fresh in my brain and with the forecast for big heat this weekend I think I'll stay at home and hug the air-conditioner. Thank god for the Monday holiday too... don't really know what I'll do with it but you can bet it will err on the side of lazy.
Okay time to cut to the update. Myself and my highly-skilled 500 person staff have worked so hard trying to make this update a little ripper that some of them have suffered some negative effects. Anyway... check it...
As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Doggy Style - Got Game - Library Lovin' - Topless Wife - Carmella Wow - Ingenius Method - Sleepy - MILF Angelica
Stupid Yanks - Sensitivity - Blonde Moment - Big Gun - All Goes Limp - Buttflute? - Pussy Eater - Spongeback
The Perfect Bod - 204mph - Star Wars Remix - Battlefield Action - Funny As Hell - Becca Nude - Brit's Leak - Butch
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand.
After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself".
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh"
| TORY LANE |
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An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the manager said, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he buys a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket.
In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
Thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support this expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" "Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"
ORSM VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
| ANTIQUE PORN |
 |
|
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READER MAIL
Reader Mail returns in spectacular fashion this week. It was no easy feat trying to whittle down literally hundreds of submissions to what you will see below but I think this lot should keep you guys happy. If not, let me know so I can punch you in the face...
If you would like to submit something to RM then that would be absolutely fucking fantastic. Seriously it would. Ask around. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen, baby.
Tony wrote:
Subject: Internet Censorship
Orsm,
Censorship ....
And to think that UK was called the Nanny State!! .... They need to take lessons from the land Downunder.
Personal responsibility ? Pah ..... who needs, it when the Nanny State is there to look after you?
You won't have to worry about your civil liberties .... Trust Auntie to decide when, where and what you can eat, smoke, drink, read, say, do and look at.
Slippery slope, mate .... Hang on tight, the ride is underway. Oh .... And if anything ever happens to you .... remember it's always someone else's fault, so sue their sorry ass!
Jeez this makes my blood boil .. and I'm not even an Australian. |
Michael wrote:
Subject: internet censorship
Hi ORSM, I know you would know about the net sensing that Rudd is trying to get introduced - but had this article passed on to me a couple of weeks back. Very fucking scary!!! That could mean no more ORSM.NET. But the other aspect is that people on a 24mbit adsl2 plan will then get speeds like a 512k plan. No wonder he is saying we need faster broadband in Australia - it will need to be to make up for this shit. |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: plastic bags
While your rant about Kevin Rudd is slightly less than amusing,your lack of knowledge re plastic bags is even more astounding.You surely must have been to the Red Hill disposal site here in WA and seen the plastic bags the wind sprays everwhere.Opinions from everywhere all over the world say that these obnoxious little critters don't break down and in fact when you dig in our ground,it's common to find what people have buried in the past (found in good condiition) when we did'nt have the rubbish service we have today. As far as their 2nd uses are concerned,I admit that they are handy for some things,but the world managed OK before plastic bags were introduced.One can use other bags that you can buy and keep,but the plastic bag needs to go |
Grantly wrote:
Subject: plastic bags
Not sure if you know but India and several cities in North America have already banned plastic bags and why can't a person use paper bags or buy a cloth bag that will last several years. And as for using the plastic bags for picking up after your animal, these bags last 400 years before breaking down. So think about the cost and the pollution. |
Harry wrote:
Subject: Cry Babies
"Please Mr. Bucknor that cross eyed black bastard called me a monkey". |
Bjarne wrote:
Subject: RE: How many legs on bus?
Hi ORSM.
Well I solved the quiz and it took 10 minutes.
But then I wondered... is 10990 correct?
Somehow I hope there's a driver on the bus also. Wouldn't the correct number include him/her aswell?
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: 7's Riddle
The answer that opened the spread sheet was incorrect. unless one of the girls was driving the bus, a difficult feat with 7 bags of pissed off cats, the bus driver has to have legs . re: public transportation regulation # 1793 sec. 25 par. 2. Can you imagine the wreck and aftermath of a legless bus driver, crashing a bus full of already pissed off cats and 7 women, some of whom will odds on be on the rag? The 5 o'clock news couldn't handle it .Time for another beer.
The driver is OUTSIDE the bus COUNTING the legs. Derr guys. -Orsm
|
Keith wrote:
Subject: silent drill team
As an American, Please let me say how glad I am that we are spending
our tax dollars to run a marching band without instruments. I am so
glad that they put in countless hours practicing, and I hope those we have to fight will appreciate the precision while they are shooting
at us. I feel so validated. I would say they would get more appreciation joining a drum and bugle core, but they wouldn't get a
working salary or get to use the GI bill for college. I have a lot
of respect for the people in our military, but not this aspect of
it. Leave it to the marching bands.
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: from fat to fit...
Heya Mr. Orsm,
I just wanted to get more details on the guy featured in those fat-to-thin pics.
I've also lost a shitload of weight in the last year (more than 70kg) and while my body doesnt look as fucked up as that dudes was, i probably will need to get some excess skin removed in certain areas.
If you know the guy and he is willing to have a email exchange with me so i can ask him some questions about his transformation and procedure, that'd be much appreciated. Even just to find out a lil more would be great, as i have a lot of questions on the matter and reforming myself as well as that dude did.
Cheers and thanks for all you do,
Keep getting the question and I have no idea. Surely someone must know!? Email me! -Orsm
|
Terry wrote:
Subject: Body Found
Today, The police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick. I was just checking to make sure that all you are okay. |
drew wrote:
Subject: No Shit, this is the real name of this shopping center
CUM PARK PLAZA. No Shit, this is the real name of this shopping center near Graham, NC. Look carefully at the list of tenants and ask yourself if you'd want to eat at “1st Taste Chinese Restaurant”. Seriously, you just can't make this stuff up. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hot chick
Hello Orsm, Here is a hottie that I banged a few weeks back. Please hide my details. Thx
I bow down and worship the hotness. -Orsm
|
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Mustang wrote:
Subject: Pic
Wolf Spider Bites, The poison that the Spider injects, turns the body flesh into mush, The Doctor has no choice but to lance the bites & dig out the poison & dead flesh.
Seriously - WHAT THE FUCK!? -Orsm
|
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mike wrote:
Subject: legs...
A test to see if your brain is still working. Which one do you think is the blonde? Answer is shown below: The blonde is the only one with her right leg up. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: picture...
Great site.Been checking it weekly for the past couple years.Always bring enjoyment,so I thought it was time to send something you might use on an update. Cousin and I were out and about and found this church. Enjoy,we laughed our asses off. |
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Mariska wrote:
Subject: South African FHM homegrown Honeys 2008
Hey Orsm, As you may recall, I sent you an e-mail quite some time ago asking the ORSM fans to vote for me in the South African FHM Homegrown Honeys competition. I also promised to post some more pics if I made it into the top 10.... Well I did make it to the top 10 and I would love it if the ORSM fans could vote for me again at FHM.co.za, I am Honey no 8. I have not had time to do a shoot specifically for ORSM yet, but I will do if your fans want to see more... In the mean time, I please, please need everyone to vote for me again, I have included some of my holiday pics for now, but I will do a very hot shoot for ORSM to say thanks for the votes |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics from a chick who needed her laptop cleaned, literally
heh, this chick wanted me to clean her computer up, now I see why, Hide details plz. |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Central Qld Mines area - Emerald - Clermont
For the next update - area's around Emerald that are currently under water. Emerald has been classed as Disaster |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: MORE Emerald
MORE pictures from the Emerald area... That is a different dragline under water!!! A dragline can cost anywhere from $50m-$100m - not something you want submerged in water seeing they are run from nothing but electricity (all electric motors, not diesel engines)
|
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Ken wrote:
Subject: Trakor und Frontlader
What happens when a tractor doing 45kph suddenly drops the front shovel? That's exactly what happened to this dude in Austria a few months ago... |
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Sami wrote:
Subject: U.S. Coast Guard 47-ft Motor Life Boat 12/04/07 Morro Bay !!
Large storm swells reached Morro Bay California on December 4, 2007, bringing 15-20 foot swells with some plus sets. A U.S. Coast Guard
47-foot Motor Life Boat was out for practice maneuvers in the large surf, which is not unusual. However, a large wave hit that was probably more than they bargained for...at least it's the hardest I've ever seen them get hit. The air was filled with mist, and they were quite distant, so at times were just a shadow in the mist. I've adjusted them for better visibility,
however the quality of the photos is not the greatest due to the above conditions, and futile attempts to keep the lens dry. |
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S wrote:
Subject: photo library of my girl me and friends
Dear Orsm, I have been a member of your site for the last 5 years... I just love it and I share it with all my friends... Recently I met a girl that have offered me and my friends to have sex with her... I loved the Idea and we all came to her on her and really had fun. She asked me to post this to you so if you like it you put it on... she like to see her stuff. presented... thanks |
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ORSM VIDEO
A young man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived out in the bush. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as Palmolive can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as Palmolive can get them; now stop being so picky!"
Later that afternoon, the young man was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!" So Grandpa shouted, "PALMOLIVE, get out of the way!"
| BUILDING THE MILLAU VIADUCT |
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Being a New York lawyer, he thinks that he's smarter than the deputy and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me
go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
RANDOM SHITE
I implore you to tread gently with this weeks RS. There's a few nasties contained within and possibly some that will stay with you for a whole lot longer than you would like. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use NICE language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added... "For those of you who are fucked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the stupid cunt in the kitchen."
| JESSICA & LEXI |
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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy 'half' a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some arsehole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half".
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
"Queensland, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Queensland," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby league players up there." "Really!' said the manager. "My wife is from Queensland!" The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"
| NORTHERN LIGHTS |
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ORSM VIDEO
Oh wow! This is the end, man! Doesn't anyone ever suss out cleaning this oven except me?
- Check out the site archives. Hari Krishna.
- Spread the ORSM-DOT-NET word otherwise my friend Ray... won't be able to do a damn thing come to think of it. His meth lab got flooded and he's busily trying to get it running again before he comes down.
- Email me.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Gay Cowboy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2008.01.17-23.49 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't eat watermelon two hours before going to bed unless you like waking up sixty-seven times to take a piss.
Like everyone else I've been watching this Corey thing unfold all week. You know the guy - he's been plastered all over the news after staging a 500 person party whilst his parents were away. The street got trashed, cars destroyed and the cops pretty much called in the riot squad. If that wasn't bad enough he stood up in front of the cameras and acted like a little punk. My first reaction was 'what a dick' but think about it - you really do have to hand it to the guy...
Corey's value to us lies in the fact he's doing exactly what you wouldn't do to get yourself out of the shit and no-one seems to be able to look away. Kind of like an accident about to happen and a lesson at the same time. If he'd come straight out and apologised, before long all would be forgotten but he did the exact opposite... publicly said it wasn't his fault, is dodging his parents and now cashing in on it. The guy is an unrepentant moron but all of us -who for the most part are relatively normal- are seeing just what would happen if our answer was 'screw you'. Sure this will come back to haunt him and no doubt we'll take some pleasure in that but for the time being its just good fun seeing how deep Corey can dig the hole.
Moving on... on to me, on to my life and whatever else I can come up with. Let's start with the weekend...
I really only had one goal for Saturday and that was to attack an extremely overgrown bush in the garden. Its been blooming out of control for a few months and I've held off because there was never enough room in the bin AND it's got massive prickly spines all over it. They're brutal too... get too close and it'll stab the crap out of you. So I gloved up, assembled an arsenal of weaponry and got to work. A couple of hours later it was done, a shadow of its former self, and my arms/legs/body were covered in scratches, scrapes and blood [which of course is cool because it made me look like a hard cunt]. Anyway, moral of the story: butchering plants that are able to defend themselves is an enjoyable way to spend a day.
Watched American Gangster that night. Didn't really do it for me. An hour too long, didn't make me want to do drugs [Scarface], the characters weren't likable [Good Fellas] and the second movie I've seen in recent weeks [I Am Legend] where a German Shepherd dies to drive the story forward. Seriously what is it with Hollywood - why German Shepherds? Why not Poodles or one of those stupid little yappy mop things?
Next... cheers to everyone who emailed me in regards to the changes last week. Much appreciated! Turns out most of you wanted the next/previous controls back which I've done. If anyone else has any bright ideas for what you want to see on Orsm then drop me a fucking line!
Okay get on with the update I shall. Cracker this week. Absolute cracker. And why? Because I said so and because this is my show and I can say whatever I want. And if you don't like it.... look up to the right - you see that X...?
As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
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I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
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TV is how! Click
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Drunk Chicks - P-L-A-Y - Big Bang - Teen Kandy - Party Babes - Booze Legends - Free Running - Big Tit Orgy
Carmen-tastic - Kind Of Horrifying - Owned - Dude WTF? - Hot As Hell - Amateur Porn - Brazil Slut - Cruise Crazy
What A Troll - Tongue Odyssey - Angelina Rocks - Techno Granny - Tara's Tits - Sexy Mena - Great Prank - Fat Slide
|
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied. "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt!"
--
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're STILL not ready?"
| GIANNA |
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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's the side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
| EENY-WEENY-TEENY-BIKINIS |
 |
|
ORSM VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave. "Heyyy bloke" they say "gissa pucken lift eh". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back, would he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies "Aboriginal Eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".
| WEIRDO WEDDINGS |
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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude
webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length
adult movies, and even download
all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need
is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup
with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just
go over there for yourself and have
a look!
ORSM
VIDEO
Just so everyone knows - Reader Mail will return next week... so stop fucking asking! If you would like to contribute and have your stuff featured then make sure you click here and send it my way!
TO MY DEAR WIFE
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it -just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
ORSM VIDEO
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been getting any from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and... what happened?!". To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
| KINZIE KENNER |
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|
Council tax re-values want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay, and no-one is still sure. Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers; they are out of control. Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?
For those of you who do not know, Kalgoorlie is a large gold mining town in Western Australia. It has accepted brothels which are a tourist site.
Kevin Rudd was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, Kevin Rudd stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." Kevin Rudd asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" Kevin Rudd said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
| BABY PANDA |
 |
|
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, discharged and shoot him right in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony... he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
ORSM VIDEO
Well... I think we all know what happens here. That's right - time to take my bat and ball and go home. But before I do...
- Check out the site archives. ???
- Spread the ORSM-DOT-NET word otherwise my friend Ray will give your girlfriend a hotshot of the primo H he's been selling and arrange her body in such a way that it looks like just another junky OD.
- Email me.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate 2008.01.10-23.54 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Knob cheese on Jatz.
I've got to admit I'm loving the summer at the mo... now the nasty heat has backed off a bit anyway. Picnic on Saturday, beach the next morning and back along the coast for the Sunday session. This is what weekends are all about. Hanging out and beer. I am just about peopled out though. Every single day this year [all ten of them!] has been work or friends or both which is great but pushing it for the hermit buried within. Poor hermit within.
It's been a relatively full week so keeping my usual one eye on the Australia versus India Cricket Test was a bit harder than usual but I did my best. The Aussies won, broke a record for most consecutive Test wins and there was a whole bunch of juicy controversy involving players from both teams.
I'm still struggling to understand what anyone did to offend the Indians so badly but the one thing that strikes me as hilarious is Indian 'activists' burning an effigy of the Aussie captain - Ricky Ponting. Honestly don't these guys have anything better to do? It's just a game for Christ's sake! I don't get how it works either... do they just hang out until someone offends them, make an effigy, find a camera crew and get to work? And what happens afterwards? The fire goes out and they all disperse and head back to the call centre or do they make another effigy and lay in wait until someone, somewhere offends them? If so, what do I have to say or do to have my effigy burned? It looks kind of like fun!
Moving on... time for a quick rant about the new Aussie government because after eleven years out of power the first thing they do is start fucking it all up. Colour me surprised!
Top of my list is internet censorship. Pretty soon, if you live in Australia, there's a good chance you won't be able to access Orsm.net and for that matter anything adult-related. Yes the idea is to protect children from harmful content and I'm all for that 100% but rather than allow people to opt in to filtering, everything is just going to be blocked, removed or taken down. Too bad how sad. Does anyone remember voting for that? Me either...
Kevin and his Ruddtards haven't stopped there and the stupid ideas continue to flow. This week's mission is plastic grocery bags. We crank through four billion of them a year which is admittedly pretty disgusting but lets face facts - they are a necessary evil. The proposal is to either ban them entirely or introduce a levy. Most people have a second use for them too - for rubbish, picking up dog poo or erotic-asphyxiation. What are we supposed to use instead? What's more, we already pay for them invisibly in the cost of groceries but here comes another jab courtesy of the federal government.
Next on the agenda is a big fat apology to the 'stolen generation'. Hands up who thinks this is a good idea...? Anyone? No? Good one Kevin - you made a campaign promise that no one wanted but really all its going to be is a fantastic way to spend a few billion dollars compensating people for something that wasn't illegal. Maybe that's what the plastic bag levy will be used for? 20 cents on every bag and we'll have it paid in no time...
Okay enough of that... I had several more points to make but that should keep the Labor lovers busy for a few minutes so I'll save them for another week. Speaking of weeks... you guys will notice a couple of changes in today's update. Nothing too major, groundbreaking or mind-blowing, I just thought I'd try things a bit differently. Change is as good as a holiday apparently so let me know what you think! Anyway on with it..
As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Funny Bastard - Play With Me - Turbo Bong - Magnificent Ass - Tropical Godess - Badonkadonk - Busted! - Pinky Anal
Beyonce Wannabe - Jetsons Tech - Keely Lingerie - So Much Fun - Pole Dancer - Sticky Facials - Pussy Freak
Tasty Teens - Keep It Down - Hot Oriental - Bill's Last Day - Lucy Upskirt - Girl on Girl - Bushisms - Roofie Partay
|
"What was all the crashing and banging?" asked the passenger. "The train ran over a cow," said the ticket collector. "Was it on the line?" he replied. "No, we had to chase it up the embankment but we got it eventually."
--
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother: "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really, was it small?" Sally replied, "No... salty!"
--
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob... Bob Titsenbeer."
| CODY LANE |
 |
|
In school the lesson was about the word "contagious". The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?"
One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"
Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snow blower and blew all the snow into my neighbour's driveway." The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do, and besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."
Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying 'It will take that contagious to shovel herself out.'"
ORSM VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two people showed up. One was a handsome man in his mid-seventies and the other was a drop-dead, gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The blonde said, "Oh, let me be first!" She ignored the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion began to snarl and growl and started to charge her. When he was just about halfway there, she threw open her coat, revealing her beautiful, naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and proceeded to lick her feet and ankles. He soon progressed to licking her entire body. This continued for several minutes and then the once-ferocious lion lay submissively with his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was open in amazement. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the elderly gentleman and asked, "Can you top that?" The older man replied, "No problem; just get that damn lion out of the way!!"
| RIO CARNAVALE |
 |
|
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ORSM
VIDEO
I'm still holding off attacking the mountain of reader mail clogging my inbox but I assure you guys it will be back in a week or two! In the mean time I have another bunch of videos sure to keep everyone amused...
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
ORSM VIDEO
A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking his cold draft and minding his own business when, without provocation, a great big dude came in and *WHACK!* knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. Then big dude blurts out, "That was a karate chop from Korea!" The little guy thinks to himself, "GEEZ," but all he does is gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again.
All of a sudden - WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." The little guy has had enough of this unruly martial artist. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves the bar.
The little guy is gone for about 25 minutes. Then he returns to the bar. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and BONG! -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him 'that was a crowbar from Bunnings'."
| DARLING DANI |
 |
|
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any Ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog came back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out There."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back He said, "I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a Fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
RANDOM SHITE
I decided to go with a boobie inspired RS this week for the sole reason that its my site and I can pretty much do whatever the fuck I want. And I like boobie. Got a problem with that? Aww I'm sorry... huggles. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
 |
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story...
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you, there's more to the story...
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich!"
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich Then I can have mouse for lunch!!"
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly
The bear grabs the fish
The hunter shoots the bear
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich
The cat jumps for the mouse
The mouse ducks
The cat falls into the water and drowns
NOW... The Moral of the Story.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is gonna be in serious danger...
| JUMEIRAH PALM BEACH IN DUBAI |
 |
|
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children...?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive man they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
| SPLEEK ENGLIS ! |
 |
|
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
ORSM VIDEO
Well this is it. The end of the update. Happy trails to you but first...
- Check out the site archives. Go onnnn...
- Next update will be next Thursday. Next update Thursday will be. Thursday will be the next update.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will steal your car.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't walk in your sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate 2008.01.03-23.43 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Is this the end...?
And just like that 2007 is all over and along with it the holidays I spent so long looking forward to. Jesus Christ it went fast. One minute I'm sitting here crapping on about how good the break was going to be and the very next I'm back again wondering why I didn't take another week. Silly boy... although you guys should expect me to make up for it in other ways...
I received some devastating news over the break. It turns out I've been living a lie and that lie was revealed to me Christmas Day - Santa Claus is not actually real. Apparently he is just something made up by parents to keep their kids from misbehaving and inject some cheer into the season. How did I not realise sooner? All the signs were there. When people made jokes I just ignored them. I didn't want to believe and now it hurts every time I see a beard. Stop the lie now - tell your kids.
Moving on... the lead up to Christmas probably couldn't have gone any better. I had my shopping sorted by the Saturday morning, presents wrapped two days out, and all the other routines I force upon myself out of the way with time to spare.
Christmas Day is best described as mixed emotions. Great spending time with family, awesome food, relaxing, but too bloody hot. We were at my uncle and aunties this year which is fine except the plan was to sit outside... under the pergola... in direct sun... in stifling heat. Fuck that. "The table looks lovely but not going to happen sorry" I said shaking my head. As it turned out the idea was pretty popular and we all ended up grabbing couch or carpet in the lounge where it was ever so slightly cooler. That wrapped up by 4ish and it was off home to catch up with friends for a beer or three. All up not a bad day but for once I just wish it would rain or just do whatever the opposite of a sweltering Christmas is. Is that too much to ask, God? Is it?
Boxing Day was even worse in regards to the damn weather. Disgusting. For the first time ever [that I remember] we had a brownout, which for those of you who think that's a sexual act involving two guys, actually means with everyone home from work and cranking air-conditioners, fans, fridges and whatever else the grid didn't have enough electricity to keep everything ticking along. Hit middle of the day, maximum heat, shit started going skitz... the aircon was on but not working, one of my computers wouldn't power up, TV was dead but the DVD player was okay AND the house alarm kept going off.
In all honesty I think life would go on without a mobile phone, computer and we all know I lasted a few months without a without a refrigerator, but no cold air is where I draw the line. This is 2008 for fucks sake! The dog wasn't liking it all that much either so we jumped in the car -max aircon- and ended up at a friends place in the pool working on a severe case of sunburn. Magic. For the record Perth was declared the hottest capital city in the world for that day with a brutal 44.2°C or 111.5°F.
Jump forward to New Years Eve. Same as last year I bribed my brother to drop us in the city by letting him take my car so we didn't have to deal with public transport. Went to the same bar we always go to, not because we're boring and predictable but because it's always an excellent night and it absolutely was. We got home by 2ish and I had a few hours sleep before getting cracking bright and early for a BBQ thing at mine that day...
The whole idea was to get everyone together for breakfast but funnily enough with hangovers, late arrivals and more of the sweaty heat, bacon and eggs didn't actually make it to the table until after 1pm. I think next time we'll make it a night time thing or make it an entirely different day so everyone can have a chance to recover.
Okay enough of that. Probably not the best blog I've ever conjured but it's been a mad dash trying to get an update sorted in half the time I usually do. With that in mind you'll notice the update is lacking Reader Mail and most likely will be for the rest of the month while I revel in 'summer mode'. Anyway check it...
As you can see all content on Orsm Dot Net is free for viewing and that's why I'm a huge supporter of free porn sites. I know what your thinking, "but all free porn sites suck ass". Not in this case at Free-Porn-Listing.com. This sites enables you to access real adult sites completely free. There is no limit of sites you can look at. You can also watch and chat with live girls and people having sex.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
No Whoppers!? - Game Time - Cam Hottie - Halliwell Nip Slip - Gorgeous Lez - New Obama Girl - Real Papa Smurf
Ninja Rampage - Beautiful Boobs - Baby Spears - Big Gun - Raven Riley - Butt Lover - BodyBuilder Slut - Raving Luni
Resolutions - 1-Legged Salsa - WoW Loser - Naked Wrestling - Demi Nude - Sensational - NN Cutie - Rack-tacular
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
--
What do you call four cows and a blackbird? The Spice Girls.
--
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day, "the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could. "When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?" Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box". "Very good," says the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit". Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. "Very good" says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?" Freddie replies "Playing with Becky in the sand box". "Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit". Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. "Very good" says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?" "No" replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names".
"Oh dear" says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit".
ORSM VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, Honey.. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book when the cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real crazy one this time."
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ORSM
VIDEO
Reader Mail is taking a fucking break for a couple of fucking weeks while I do the fucking same so to fill the fucking hole I thought you fucking guys would have some fun getting through some of the many fucking unposted vids I have lying around the fucking place.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid..."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, " Yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replied "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here". "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
"WOW!!! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket!".
There was a stunned silence. Then he farted.
ORSM VIDEO
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Melbourne and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh... yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Sydney." "Oh why, is that where the job's based?" "No, that's where the end of the queue is!"
A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.
"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son. "Well son, "answered the all knowing father." A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation. The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose. The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest French perfumes. The taste of a vagina is sweeter than the purest nectar. All in all son, it's like I said, a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"Gee dad, a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."
A few moments of silence go by, and then the boy asks another question.
"Dad, what does a vagina look like after sex?" "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"
A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage.
He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time. "Darn. Just one hundred dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill." "Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car!"
She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule! "Oboy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too." At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked.
"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
ORSM VIDEO
Well there you go. Update number 1 for 2008 done and dusted. Now watch as I cut to the end thingy...
- Check out the site archives. They stretch back to the beginning of time.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Ya dig?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill you. He's so bad ass that he'll just do it and not think twice.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a safe and happy New year. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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