Meet Horny Babes @ FLING!

Welcome to Orsm.net. George likes his chicken spicy!

Holy crap I have been a busy boy. The phone hasn't stopped ringing, emails, text messages, letters, post cards, IM's, Morse code, smoke signals - everyone wants a piece of me. Same as this time last year it's obvious that popularity amongst my peers is at an all time high, something which can only be attributable to my magnetic personality and good looks. There really has been crap loads going on though and not all of it involved me staring blankly into a computer screen which is a nice change.

Anyone been following the news this week and more specifically the Australian Open Tennis? I'll straight away say that I hate tennis, have absolutely no interest in tennis and would rather endure two hours of kinky man sex than one hour of grunting in a way that makes spectators think you're being raped [no matter how hot the chicks are]. That said I must be missing something because with several pervs getting busted there taking upskirt photos the place must be wall to wall full of quality babes. Of course that's just how many they caught, I'm sure there were plenty of others who weren't.

Then there was the whole Big Day Out anti-Australian Flag controversy. The BDO is a day long concert which tours capital cities around the country, features tonnes of different big name bands and attracts tens of thousands of stoners. Anyway after dramas last year with a small group of morons accusing other BDO goers of not being Australian the organisers announced that they were banning anyone carrying the Aussie flag to the event because it may incite racist behaviour. A huge outcry from anyone with a soap box followed before the organisers relented and dropped the ban.

This got me thinking how people from other countries perceive Australians when they hear this kind of thing happening because two of the biggest news stories this week have painted us as perverted racists. Definitely not what you would call endearing traits... except maybe the bit about being pervs but I'd love to know what you guys think of us. Email me!

Moving on... I distinctly remember Australia Day last year and it sucked. It fell on a Thursday and - you guessed it - I was right here doing my update. As opposed to previous years where the public holiday was held on the nearest Monday, for the last few the rules have been changed so that no matter which day it falls on, that's the day we celebrate it. Makes sense but I missed out on drinking beer, eating lamb and hanging with my mates which is exactly what the day is all about.

To make up for it we're doing a big Aussie Day shindig at my place. It'll also double as a going away party for some friends and come to think of it the housewarming that I never had so it should be a pretty massive day. As for how many people are coming... I have absolutely no idea. And why is that? Because no one has RSVP'd!

Over the years it's become more and more common for people to not RSVP. Whether it being forgetfulness, laziness or just being too casual, no one seems to bother anymore which admittedly isn't really a problem unless its you're the one having a party. Not that I would dare point a finger though - I am the fucking worst. After an invite arrives I'll open it and make a decision as to whether I'm going or not and that's the last I'll think of it until the actual day. Too bad if the person holding the party is trying to work out how much food or booze to buy...

Okay better get on with the update. As I mentioned above my week was crazier than a meth junkie on a 17 day bender so unfortunately Reader Mail was a casualty but I'm pretty sure the rest of the update rocks so grab a beer, get your rubber gloves on and check it...

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A tired truck driver is driving into a country town late one night when he comes over a crest and accidently hits 2 aboriginals walking on the road. One of them went through the windscreen and the other bounced off the bullbar into the scrub. The shocked truck driver hurried to the nearest police station to report the accident and the officer on duty told the driver not to worry. He said " We'll charge one with Break & Enter and the other with Leaving The Scene Of An Accident."
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Here's a warning I want to pass on about Bunnings: I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday on the way home from work. I walked into Bunnings and some old guy dressed in a red polo shirt and an apron asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Take care and keep your wits about you, especially at Bunnings.

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21 THINGS THAT MAKE AUSTRALIA GREAT

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. Its proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer.
16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
20. Orsm.net
21. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test - mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy!

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

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NEW RULES FOR 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande, half-soy, Half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," oh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" Again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

--Author unknown

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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic.

A while later he returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday..."

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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge  in Midland, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

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A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man.

Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?" Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water.

Moments later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!". Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again... this time leaving him there a little longer.

Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?" Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!" At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.

A full minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!" Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher: "You sure this is where he fell in?"

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Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".

"Great idea Tony how will we go about it?" said Prescott

"Well" said Blair, "we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside." "Right Oh" said Prescott.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?" said Blair. "Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.

Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds and locals come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?'

"Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".

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Okay time to wrap this update up. It may be smaller than my usual efforts but Jesus Christ it took some work making it all happen so HOPEFULLY it didn't suck...

- Check out the site archives. They are now so big they have their own post code. It's 1.
- Next update will be next Thursday... and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that... and so on...
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise they won't get any lamb.
- Email me!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and think happy thoughts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Find Horny Chicks @ FLING!

Welcome to Orsm.net. This son of a bitch is ice cold.

I'm giddier than a fat kid in a candy store. Why? I've had one of those rare weeks where everything has gone my way but I'll get to that later... first how the hell are you guys?

Bindi Irwin... please make it stop... please. I can't handle anymore! Up until a few months ago we'd barely heard of her but now she's being rammed down our throats at a rate that would make Linda Lovelace blush. I don't get it what the big deal is either. If you look past the faux Australian accent, the fact she is eight years old and use of "its very nice" no less than twenty times per three minute interview she hasn't done all that much to deserve the attention.

Okay we get it - daddy Croc Hunter was tragically killed but do we really need to immortalise her as the future saviour of wildlife? It'll be the Britney Spears Syndrome all over again - popular at a young age before building an successful career followed by skanking out, getting knocked up then flashing her bits just to get some publicity. Enough already.

Okay back to me now... I'm getting a new car! I've been threatening to do it for so long now that everyone thought I was just full of shit. It's not a moment too soon either - my baby, as much as I love it, has been nothing but problem after problem and with the signs that more shit is about to go very, very wrong the time is definitely now.

Anyway after mucking around getting prices on Monday, then putting the word out on Tuesday I had the sales chick come here yesterday and sign me up. Quite painless come to think of it and with a bit of luck hopefully I'll have it in a few weeks. Woohoo...

Onto my weekend... uneventful but extremely busy. Last week was a killer so come Friday night I was thrashed. And how did yours truly spend it? Stuck in front of the damn computer working. Can anyone say lame-no-life-retard? I swear one day I'm going to wake up and regret some shit... stuff like being never getting good at golf and not spending weekends off my tits on party drugs...

Saturday was a bit better in that I managed a mini sleep-in but after that it was all on. Outside was like a bomb hit it - the neighbours behind me have this enormous Gum Tree which drops leaves constantly... like every minute, every day. It's a fucking monstrosity and makes a fucking huge mess in my yard. Incidentally does anyone have a fool proof yet undetectable way of killing a tree...?

After getting some of that cleaned up I decided to rip in to a particular section of garden that's been bugging me for a while. There's a lot to be said for no holds barred pruning and indiscriminate plant removal and by the time I was done all that remained was one of those 'I just fucked your sister in the ass' grins on my face. Magic stuff.

Afterwards I tackled something I've been meaning to get around to for over three years now - the outdoor table and chairs. They get a shit load of exposure to the elements and were looking pretty average so I grabbed a sander and some oil and got stuck in. It was damn hot too... like really hot but after five hours of sanding and oiling I had something to show for my efforts.

Sunday... as usual the dog and I headed down to the beach bright and early for a couple of hours. Another stinker. It was hotter than my hate for effeminate men so as expected the beach was absolutely cranking - people, pooches and so many sensational bikini's even dog was drooling.

By the time I got home there were two decisions to make. Crank up the cold air and watch DVD's all day OR give the table and chairs another coat because the first one wasn't nearly enough. I chose the latter and spent the rest of my weekend regretting it... the table looks brand spankin' new though.

Okay enough dribbling. If you want to read more of my crap then hit the archives and read through my own personal 1WeekUp but for everyone else there's a whole new update. Check it...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade; listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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The United Way realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to any of them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

ORSM VIDEO

Cum Shot Collection

Miri Hanai Bikini

Psycho Porn Chick

Ja'mie

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!".

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BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN PERTH
Perth, as many of you know, is where I live and if there's one thing we are renowned for its bad drivers. Everyone just seems to hoon around with their eyes closed, never checking mirrors and completely oblivious to the fact that there are actually other road users. That's where this list comes in - it's so absolutely true it's almost not funny...

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A real Perth driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive repairs. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Perth.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Perth is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to Main Roads, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not forgetting the 'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.

12. It is traditional in Perth to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

15. Remember that the goal of every Perth driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

16. Real Perth women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Real Perth men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 95 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process and creating a need for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.

19. There is a commonly held belief in Perth that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.

20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because, hell - they have brakes.

21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around The Causeway, The Narrows, and Guildford.

22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.

23. Its O.K when driving in Northbridge to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "cunt". However, it is imperative you are driving at least a 5-litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.

24. Perth drivers are experts at merging, when in two or more lanes travelling in the same direction, ensure that if you see someone politely indicating, waiting slowly trying to merge into your lane, show them that they must 'Wait their turn' to use your lane. Speed up, try to cut them off, should they succeed and get into your lane never mind that it was actually legal for them to do that, ensure that your flash your lights, honk your horn, use extreme hand gestures, even tailgate them, just to let them know, IT WAS YOUR LANE.

25. Ensure that when merging into traffic travelling at any more than 40kph that you stop in the merging lane, backing up traffic for miles behind you, ensuring that you have given yourself or no-one else that opportunity to merge. Again, forget that the traffic handbook states that you should speed up to meet traffic speed then merge. If you are travelling in a lane near a merge lane, don't change lanes to make it easy for them, instead see rule 24, after all they deserve it.

26. While using Perth roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts, ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.

27. If you are a TransPerth bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting to your destination prior to any other driver is life and death. Never worry about your passengers bouncing round in the back like tennis balls, hell it's a cheap form of theme park, in fact Perth's very own.

28. Perth taxis see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.

29. Pedestrian crossings - What are they?

30. If you are a cyclist remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!

31. Remember, the wider, smoother, and safer the road... the lower the speed limit.

32. When driving on the freeway, find somebody who is going slow, drive next to them, so that nobody can pass you. It's called, speed prevention. It's your duty!

CELEB THEN & NOW Then & Now - Then & Now - Then & Now - Then & Now - Then & Now - Then & Now Then & Now - Then & Now - Then & Now - Then & Now - Then & Now

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READER MAIL
RM is totally porned out this week. You guys have been busy! Cheers to everyone who has submitted - you guys rock my world. For everyone else, if you'd like to submit then grab your cameras, start snapping pics of your tasty girlfriends and send, send, send!

Brentyboy wrote: Subject: memory Its a hard disk in 1956.... HDD with 5MB storage in 1956. In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data. Start appreciating your 4 GB memory stick!

Mike wrote: Subject: hi Thought you might wanna post these of my ex wife, she thought she'd cleared the phone.. oh dear share em with the world

cunnox wrote: Subject: dumbe and dumber trip in the US made a trip out to the us to pick up a 62 vette with my cousin. all was good till we turned left at albuquerque, when we we're 30 miles out and the front right wheel took off into the sunset...... good trip but fucking cold this time of year in new mexico... hope you print these pics and let us know what ya think great site bullshit bullshit ya know the rest...cheers dude.

Dubs wrote: Subject: Trying go Under the Bridge Apparently one of the "poopie" pipes burst and showered ppl on the boat with poopie This happened Sunday. Apparently the current got ahold of the boat before the captain could make turn it. Next thing you know the boat was wedged under the bridge. Ooops. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Should get the blood flowing..... Thought you'd like these! I met a cute little 20yo bitch online! She was a student studying on one of the Greek isles, so I go and visit her, fucked her silly. Then she came to Athens a couple of weeks later, and I fucked her silly on her parent's bed! Couple of weeks later she finds out I'm married and decides to dump me! The nerve this bitch had! Can you imagine!!!!! Anyway, was left with the pics and a vid (let me know if you want the vid), and 1 person came to mind when I finally decided to share! So ENJOY!!!

Rudy wrote: Subject: boobies They are of a mates girl who had her boobies done, you can see the tape as she is in the car on the way home, and the other 3 are from when she was more happy to show them off. She is tiny - maybe 40kgs.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hottest Strip Ever The link you had posted was of a girl who I know from college. She has other pictures if you want them. Just hide my email address please... Thanks!

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

And there's a physician here - 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson. "And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fucking Arab!"

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A woman married with 6 children, starts to realise that after having so many children, the old "meat curtains" are whistling a bit when the wind blows, and the love making is not as heavy as it used to be.

So she sees her doctor, who promptly refers her to a specialist. The specialist gives her an examination and says he can have her admitted in ten days for the operation.

After the operation and as she is coming around from the anaesthetic, she's aware that the surgeon is standing by her bedside, and there are three red roses at the foot of the bed. Fraught with worry she asks if everything was okay.

The surgeon replies that everything went well with the nip and tuck operation and he placed a red rose on the bed to  show he cared for the woman as a patient and not a piece of "meat".

"That's a nice gesture", replies the woman, "who placed the second red rose?"

"That's from your husband, who can hardly wait until you've healed, so that you two can make passionate love as you did when you were teenagers," replies the surgeon.

"And the third red rose?" enquires the woman. "Oh 'erm that's from Mr Jones in the burns unit, he says thankyou very much for the new ears..."

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An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?" "Dunno... Never found the head!"

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A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

The teacher, not buying into his nonsense, sent the boy off to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then the principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did! You scared the shit out of him!"

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A grandson came to visit his grandparents and noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.
 
"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed. Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.
 
"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. Grandpa looked at him and said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."

ORSM VIDEO

Amateur Girl Squirts

Crippled Masters

Remember To Breathe

Paula Abdul [Drunk Retard]

And that draws another update I thought I'd never finish to a close. Seriously the amount of time I was sidetracked doing other bits and pieces meant I should never have got this puppy done but like a man who just lobbed a couple of Viagra I woke up Thursday and went hard. I think what I'm trying to say here is if the update sucked then blame my friend Ray.

- Check out the site archives. Believe it or not they are now actually bigger than my ego...
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise they won't get any Pavlova.
- Email me!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and think happy thoughts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Meet Horny Babes @ FLING!

Welcome to Orsm.net. You're such a tube.

Talk about swamped. I haven't had time to scratch my ass lately. Probably a good way to start the new year but on the same hand its summer and I can think of a million things I'd rather be doing than chaining myself to the computer 15-16 hours a day. The up side is I am closer and closer to getting on top of the holiday backlog but it's been a behemoth effort getting there.

What can you say about the Poms? Poor bastards. I honestly feel sorry for them. Not only did they lose the Ashes but they surrendered that little urn 5-nil. There's no way your ego, morale and self-worth doesn't take a severe pounding after that kind of shit and with the convincing way the Aussies did it I'd say the English cricket team will be walking funny for the next few months. We've still got a whole summer of cricket ahead so for their sake I hope they can claw back some dignity...

Sheik al-Hilali... is this guy for real? He's the Australian Islamic leader who was in the news a while back after implying women who go out in public showing skin are asking to be raped. Definitely not a viewpoint inline with Australian values and he has now gone one better by saying "Anglo-Saxon Australians arrived on convict ships, while we [Muslims] paid for our tickets". What a fucking crackpot.

I have no desire to get in to a big debate about freedom of speech and all that guff because it's a bigger topic than I possess brain power to argue but how long can we let this guy and people like him carry on with this rubbish? It's ridiculous. Here's a very simple idea - why doesn't he just shut up? We'll leave him alone and he can do the same. If that doesn't work then I'll gladly fork out the cash to buy him a ticket so he can fuck off back to whence he came.

Saturday was a fiasco that won't soon be forgotten and that's because at least for once I wasn't to blame...

My best mate is moving overseas so he's been busily trying to get his house ready to rent out - just basic stuff like sorting the garden and fixing random shit around the place and of course due to my 'mad skillz' I got roped in to helping. It was pretty straightforward really... we needed to heighten a small section of existing fence which at the most should have taken an hour or so. No chance of that though... try closer to six! Ever hear the saying 'piss poor preparation precedes piss poor performance'? Never were truer words spoken - it took three trips to the hardware store, a trip home to get tools, plenty of swearing, laughing and criticising before the ordeal was finally over. Saturday nite made up for it though...

It was a friend's birthday and we headed out to a Greek restaurant to mark the occasion. I've got to say though by the look of the place I wasn't expecting much but what they lacked in fine dining and superb service they made up for in atmosphere. I don't think I've ever been to a restaurant that had quite the same buzz. The music gets cranked up, plates thrown across the room are smashed around your feet and at one point a belly dancer even came out. This little dancing act was enough to spark a great yet whispered discussion as to the sex of the jiggly Greek Goddess with the general consensus leaning towards Tranny. Pics here and vid here - judge for yourself!

The rest of the weekend just blew by. Up bright and not so early Sunday and beach-ward bound we went for an hour to give the dogs a run. Getting there slightly later was a masterstroke too... turns out that the hotter chicks sleep in a bit so the lesson here kiddies is that the early bird doesn't always catch the perv. After that it was back to my mates to continue doing shit around his house. Remember what I said about piss poor preparation? Round Two. YOUR mates - the world is full of 'em...

That's probably enough nonsensical drivel for one week so I may as well bust an update and get on with it...

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A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" He replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

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A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today." He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong.

He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. "I am surely blessed", the man thinks. "Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me." The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?" "Anything your eminence. What is it?" "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

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Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship... maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Wow. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment... maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scum balls.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)" "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And THAT'S the difference between men and women!

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READER MAIL
How to put this gently... there's been an absolute fucking SHITLOAD of email flooding my inbox lately plus as you might imagine with RM on hiatus for a few weeks everything is more backed up than a pensioner on a dog food diet. To everyone who has sent me stuff - I will post it over the coming weeks and let me just say there are some stellar submissions waiting for there day in the sun.

To all the rest of you guys who have been slacking it then shame on you! I want you all to grab your cameras and start snapping pics of the nearest set of boobs. Failing that, and as the Nun said to the Bishop, feel free to pummel me with everything you've got! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!

R. Miner wrote: Subject: Dude, What the Fuck??? I love your site and have been reading it for awhile now. I've never had any complaints about your pics and videos. They're always top notch. But I've got to ask what the hell is the deal here? Did someone actually just fuck up doing some photoshop or does this chick actually have two vaginas? Or am I just fucked up and am seeing shit? Keep up all the great work as usual. I didn't actually notice until [quite a few of] you guys pointed it out so I dug out the rest of Lilly's pics and as you will see in most of them everything looks relatively in order... except for a bit of loose skin that is... -Orsm

Gibbo wrote: Subject: Bin Laden found in Brisbane! Me and a mate saw this car in the valley in brissy today, and to think Mr Bin Laden was living right under our noses! Thought you might like it for the site. Cheers, and keep up the good work.

JUAN ANTONIO ROSADO wrote: Subject: For my friends There is a beutiful beach in Rincon, Puerto Rico, and i found this, I think is cool, and express the truth

<with held> wrote: Subject: Linesperson. G'day mate, this one is from 1982, & I've since left there employ. Oh yes please let me remain anonymous ;-)

Kat wrote: Subject: pictures... Orsm: First of all, I fuckin love your site... that picture of the mr. hankey shit was from my boyfriend. I always thought it would be cool to have my tits online, so if you can find a place for these it would be awesome. MUCH LOVE

Fred wrote: Subject: Whiteman Park Fire 3 Dec 2006 Hey orsm, Great site, I enjoy poping in each week. Thought you might like these pic's of the Whiteman Park Fire the other week. These pictures were taken as the fire jumped Lord Street. As you can see the light tanker is racing to get in front of the head fire to direct the firefighting helecopters and drove right under the 40meter flame height..

Pete wrote: Subject: Thats not a Trike. THIS is a Trike Could only happen in America!! Happy to be identified as Pete, but would like my email withheld. Cheers.

Dave wrote: Subject: How NOT to save money Hey ORSM, Thought you might appreciate these photos I took at Chadstone shopping centre on boxing day. There were about 50-60 cars parked on the grass outside stretching along Dandenong Rd, and every single one of them had a parking ticket. Sorry shoppers, but you can say goodbye to your boxing day sale savings. I think the tickets were about $80 each. What a bunch of wankers. -Orsm

Some Mal wrote: Subject: Amazing sight in the South Pacific August 2006, the yacht 'Maiken' is travelling in the south Pacific when they came across a weird sight...

Mike wrote: Subject: Why not just buy a nice postcard? This is a case of "photographer photographs photographer." The following photographs were taken by photographer Hans van de Vorst at the Grand Canyon, Arizona. The descriptions are his own. The identity of the photographer IN the photos is unknown.

patrick wrote: Subject: Just wanted to say I'm a huge fan of your site from the across the pond U.S.A. I've been to Perth many a times due to my days in the Navy. Anyways, I wanted to share a few pics of this complete whore bag that I abuse for all my sick perverted sexcapades. She let's me do whatever I want, whenever I want. She's programmed in my phone under "Slave". She doesn't dare say NO to me. I know she's not that attractive, but hey I'm usually seeing the top or the back of her anyways. The best part is, now I'm working on her best friend and little sister. Soon they'll be in my stable and I'll be abusing them just as badly as I do her. Anyways, take care and keep up the great work

Andrew wrote: Subject: ex nudes heres some of the slut. i was hoping to get these posted as revenge. shes 18 years old and these were takin when she was 18 Done and done. -Orsm

Dear Mum and Dad, Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh, yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Dan.

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

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CHILDISH INSIGHT

NUDITY - I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

MORE NUDITY - A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

HONESTY - My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS - On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP - A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

ELDERLY - While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP - A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"

DEATH - While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL - A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE - A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.

She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman.

"You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?." The woman answers, "I didn't feel a fucking thing!"

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A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.

P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.

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After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited." "Brilliant!" said Jane.

"And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

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And with that I am alllllll done. I'm actually kind of thankful this update is over too - I was so far behind schedule this week I gave myself 50/50 odds of finishing on time but after the lead was pulled out first thing this morning everything just fell in to place all by itself. I love when that happens!

In case you were wondering, I will return next Thursday for a whole new update and just so you know it'll be every Thursday after that probably until I die. If you need something to keep you occupied in the mean time please feel free amuse yourself with any or all of the following:

- Check out the site archives. They are so big that celebrities use them to hideaway on their honeymoons.
- Tell your friends and family to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I assure you they'll get chronic diarrhea.
- Email me!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be a stooge. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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Welcome to Orsm.net. I don't know about you but I remember 2006 like it was just yesterday...

Seriously, blink and you miss it. 2006 flew by at rapid rate although that said I actually feel a bit smarter, a bit wiser and of course a bit balder but as far as years go it was a pretty good one.

I'm also sure there were a million significant events but strangely enough the first ones to spring to mind are deaths - Steve Irwin, Peter Brock and Saddam to name a few. There was also the trapped [read: greedy] miners in Tasmania which I didn't care about, the drought plaguing inland Australia which doesn't affect me and constant chatter about climate change which I do care about...

So that's it. That's all I managed to garner from a whole year. Everything else is just a big blur which means I either have memory problems or am just too self-involved. The stupid thing is that in 12 months I'll be sitting here wondering where 2007 went and what the hell did I miss...

I must have been a good boy last year and kept someone, somewhere happy because compared to festive seasons gone by this one was an absolute cracker.

I was pretty stressed about Christmas shopping after our Secret Santa arrangement collapsed. Suddenly I had to figure out what to buy for seven or eight people instead of one or two PLUS it was sweltering hot PLUS the aircon in my car was broken PLUS my patience was wearing thin so going shop to shop to shop to shop umm'ing and ahh'ing over what to buy just did my head in. I figure it's not like we're five years old anymore where not getting a million presents is the end of the world so a well timed 'tanty' by yours truly was enough to make everyone see things my way and with that I was all done in one day. Sweet.

Christmas day was awesome. Usually it's an onslaught lasting from 8am to 1am that takes days to recover from. This time it was all over quickly and painlessly. We started early at Mums place, did the present thing, had a coffee and hung out for a few hours. After that it was off to Dads for lunch where we all ate and drank like kings. Good food and good fun and my only complaint was the heat... it was stinking hot and we were sitting outside which didn't help but come 4pm it was all over and time to head home. Amazing... I never thought it would happen but it did and I fucking loved it.

And that was it. I spent the rest of the day at home catching up with friends and drinking beer. I'd have to say it was an almost perfect Christmas day except for the fact I didn't see any of my cousins which kind of sucked.

As for presents... I told everyone not to bother if they couldn't find anything but I did end up with a clock radio, a lemon tree and a BBQ. A good score and the first time in years I have really liked my presents but as gay as this sounds I'm not keeping the BBQ because I wasn't comfortable scoring such an expensive prezzie.

New Years... for what ever reason the last few have been relatively lacklustre, almost non-events. This year was the exact opposite. We had a choice of party at a friends place or a big one at our local in the city although we didn't make a decision until the day because it came down to whether or not we could get a ride home. There is no bigger buzz killer than stumbling out on to the street drunk and happy and then having to line up for three hours waiting for a cab, hoping the natives don't have a problem with you but thanks to my brother being on driver duties it wasn't an issue.

Anyway the night was awesome. There were only a couple of us but we had a sensational time, got drunk and rocked the New Year in with the revelry it deserved. Afterwards we came back to mine to continue drinking and watch the first sunrise but we all [probably rather sensibly] decided to call it a night and get some sleep. Maybe I'm getting old but that is first New Years in a very long time that I have actually slept and then been able to function the next day. Not a bad experience I must say...

Okay I could probably crap on for a few more paragraphs but I'll cease boring you guys any longer and get on with it... but before I do... there is no Reader Mail this week. I ran out of time but it will definitely return next week with gusto!

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out - Fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about His father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and give them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."

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An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally, realising what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN! ... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

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There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her Husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

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The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters.

The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area... I am sorry but they turned me down."

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"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul..." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Another brief pause then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the wonderful odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

PLIABLE PRINCESS Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly - Lilly

Two true blue dinky-di Aussie chicks walk into a David Jones store, walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?"

"Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi." "VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".

Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you, Cheryl?"

JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T EAT ENOUGH ON CHRISTMAS DAY... How Hungry? - How Hungry? - How Hungry? - How Hungry? - How Hungry? - How Hungry? How Hungry? - How Hungry? - How Hungry? - How Hungry? - How Hungry? - More >>

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, an M5 BMW, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Please just send the bottle back."

ORSM VIDEO

Women Drivers

Sleepy Puppy

Yamaha R1 Turbo

Tickle Me Emo

Well guys that's brings to an end the first update of 2007. With a shortened week and two weeks of email to get through it was a bit of a rush job so if it sucks feel free to blame whoever made things fall on the dates they do....

If you were wondering, I will return next Thursday for a whole new update and as a matter of fact every Thursday after that for the next 50 weeks or so but if you need something to keep you occupied in the mean time please feel free amuse yourself with any of the following:

- Check out the site archives which are now so big a plane crashed in there and has never been found.
- Tell your friends to come check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll wish them an Unhappy New Year.
- Email me!