Welcome to Orsmnet and happy Australia Day to all!

That annual day the entire country looks forward to has come and gone once again. The weather was perfect - warm, sunny, no clouds - there was Australia Day parties and BBQ's everywhere, beer to be consumed and mates to catch up and talk shit with.

And where was I?

Chained to the damn computer! Its days like today that I really feel that I have no life. I know I said last week that chance of an update today was 50/50 but as the week dragged on I could not even manage to force myself to give it up and enjoy a couple of days off. I'd like you all to think of me as dedicated, committed, studious, a workaholic but in reality I just stress out and start thinking I am a bad person for shirking my responsibilities. How does that work?

Okay sure this week is a mini-update with reader mail chopped out of it but that had more to do with the last eight or nine days being absolute and utter chaos. I'm pretty sure the only time I have stopped is to eat, sleep, and shit. I need a holiday... someone help me pleeeeeease!!

Time for the weekly wrap up I think... we'll start with last Friday. An average Friday begins with a sleep in until about 9.30 [due solely to the fact I am up late finishing off Thursdays update]. So I got up, did my usual jump on the computer for an hour to check everything was okay and the world hadn't ended and then headed out for the next few hours to do my weekly errands. Friday is practically the only day I get to do anything anymore so I generally try and take my time and enjoy the jaunt around town. After that it was home, change of clothes in to my workin' gear and then outside for the first of three very long days doing various shit around the house... you know... all the stuff I crap on about every other week - the wall, the garden, the garden and oh yes the garden.

Early start on Saturday to keep going with the Great Wall of Orsm which eventually involved a couple of the boys which then eventually involved a couple of beers. When combining these elements the whole experience becomes less painful and everything seems to get done a crapload faster despite the constant breaks for chats, smokes and general abuse towards whoever has fucked something up. Thankfully by the end of the day the damn thing was FINALLY finished. I'm not sure how long it took all up but I think start time was mid-December which has gotta be some sort of record.

Saturday nite... I kind of fucked that one up and managed to quadruple book myself. What can I say - popularity amongst my peers is at an all time high. Of course it didn't go to plan and I missed a mates 30th and as of right now am yet to apologise and make it up to him. Go on you can say it - I'm a bad person.

Sunday... dog beach first thing in the morning followed by more, more, more gardening and odd jobs around the house. Does it ever end? No. The day culminated with me passing out on the couch completely destroyed from the weekend. The best part is I have finally destroyed and evidence of my pale skinned winter tan by roasting myself to a nice sunburned crisp.

This week hasn't been much better. Monday was an extremely clear indication that everyone in my much loved family is retarded [except me of course]. Why can't everybody just get along!? Tuesday I don't even wanna talk about and Wednesday... well I think I will leave what happened Wednesday for next week...

The coming days are looking fucking mental too. To celebrate my best mate's birthday we're all taking tomorrow off and playing golf and following it up with lunch somewhere. I've self designated myself as entertainment provider with my far-from-splendid slice that is bound to keep me digging through the bushes looking for my lost [golf] balls until I finally give up and become a spectator on the third or fourth hole...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Christina Aguillera Wow - Is She For Real? - RateMyPix! - Make It Stop - What A Fag - Great Mates - Hoff 3

Stile Pro - Big Bouncy Boobs - Oh Christina - Feel The Burn - Jokers Drift Away - Creative Signage - Peugeot 9009

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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
--
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

PERFECT PRINCESS Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette - Claudette

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".

ORSM VIDEO

Subtitled

Little Bit Of Bass

I'm My Own GranPa

Need Glasses?

THE HOTTEST NAKED TASTIEST BABES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH CAN BE FOUND BY CLICKING HERE.

A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would give her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked, "How will you know when the baby is born?" To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey, you received a very strange post card today," she said. "Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

The Road Home - The Road Home - The Road Home - The Road Home - The Road Home The Road Home - The Road Home - The Road Home

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Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love - Hole Love

An older couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

ORSM VIDEO

Scared Owl

Ticket Prank

Mastering Oral Sex

Ice Road Racing

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THINGS TO PONDER

- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
- Do you ever wonder why you gave me you read Orsmnet in the first place?

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RANDOM SHITE Okay I have put together a nice-ish RS this week. Anything overly gross was excluded so you should feel free to confidently browse through the pics without any worries about what may lie within... maybe... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what exactly do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" "To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

The Tibetan - The Tibetan - The Tibetan - The Tibetan - The Tibetan - The Tibetan The Tibetan - The Tibetan - The Tibetan - The Tibetan

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

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ORSM VIDEO

Race Root

It's Magic

Perfect Car For Women

Jesus The Musical

Okay I am done. I won't bore you all with a big long end of update speech - I'll just say that if you don't tell all your friends about O-R-S-M-DOT-NET then you are going straight to hell.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Australia Day!! enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Please remain standing for the update.

Been a pretty cruisy week around these parts with nothing too exciting going on and as you may or may not know - that's the way I like it. I've found myself on some sort of kick to catch up on movies my brother, sister and I used to love as kids. More recently I've managed to get through Flight of the Navigator, BMX Bandits and [I know I'll regret admitting this] Girls Just Want to Have Fun.

There's a million I still want to see but on the hit list for coming months are Police Academy, Ghost Busters and Cocktail. I've never really figured out why but I have an addiction to all things 80's. Most of the time I'm somewhere between "oh my god this is so cool" and "I can't believe I used to get off on this crap" but the reminisce factor is high regardless.

Whilst I probably wouldn't describe last weekend as my perfect weekend, it wasn't all bad. Most of Saturday was spent outside battling the overgrown garden and weeds. I swear to god they never end - I start at the back and work my way to the front over several weekends. Once it's all done the back has again been overrun. I'd go as far as to say there is some mass conspiracy to flood my house with weed seeds and growing agents just to see how long it takes for me to finally snap and plunge my little weeding tool thingy into someone's chest. Apparently mulching garden beds is the secret and will stop the bastards from growing so with that chestnut of knowledge in hand you can probably guess what I have planned for the coming weekend.

Sunday was actually nice and lazy. Up at the crack of dawn then straight back to sleep once I realised what time it was. Finally managed to drag myself out a couple of hours later, bundled the dog in the car and headed to the beach which was absolute chaos - dogs just about outnumbered people. You throw the ball and literally three or four other dogs go for it. Now all I need is some stinking hot Sundays to make the most of it.

The rest of the day, much of Monday afternoon and also Tuesday night I spent hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend which [I can't remember if I have mentioned this] returned back home from four years in London about a month back. I tell ya four years is far too long to be away from loved ones and it's good to have a sister again.

This weekend... as much as I would just love to wake up one day to the realisation that I have absolutely nothing to do, nothing planned and no one waiting for me to come around to do something, it definitely isn't going to happen any time soon.

The dominating carport project that has consumed me for the last few months [and that I have mentioned about ten thousand times now] is set to resume again. The retaining wall part that I was building came to a sudden stop just after Christmas and incidentally coincided with me running out of bricks. Thankfully, and should I say finally, the extra ones I needed were delivered this morning so work will recommence with gusto first thing Saturday morning. I've reached that point where I just want the damn thing done. I tend to lose interest in anything that drags forever on and at this stage that point is well and truly in sight.

Saturday nite is dinner at some fancy little restaurant for a mates 30th and Sunday already flagged for an early Dim Sum lunch with friends. After that? You guessed it... more fucking gardening and digging and sweeping and blower-vac'ing and hedging and weeding and chopping and mulching and fertilising and... you get the idea.

Next week... I've gotta to be honest when I say I'm split 50/50 on doing an update next Thursday. As most Aussies will know the 26th is Australia day which usually entails a BBQ, consumption of alcohol and a scramble to find a good place to see the fireworks skyshow in the city. Anyway my point is I may take the opportunity for a few days off so if theres no update - that's why! On with it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Cheaters! - Scores Girls - More Hoff - RateMyPix! - Porn TopList - VAP Share - Messy BreakUp - Simona Wow

Sh-Sh-Shake It! - Baby Stewy - Aussie Quiz - Owned - Cam Gurl - White Rapper - Rolls Phantom

An eight year old boy comes home from school and says "Daddy! Daddy! What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?". The dad says, "No, I can't tell you that! You're too young!" The son goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me." So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they walk into the room, the boys mother is fast asleep. So the dad pulls back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any panties on. The father points in between her legs and says, "You see that? That's a pussy!" The son asks, "Oooo! Can I pet it?" The father replies, "NO! You'll wake up the cunt!"

SOOOOO FUCKING HOT Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!" The man replied, "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!" And with that, the man let go of her. "Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again.

Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!" The man asked, "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't fuck!"

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I fuck!" "Slut!" the man said, and dropped her.

PULAU SIPADAN IN MALAYSIA Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise - Paradise

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked beside them. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

ORSM VIDEO

Sam Kekovich

Incredible Fishing

Aussie Blokes Shed

Magic Teleport

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!'

WHAT NOT TO DO TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops

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READER MAIL
It has been an absolute pleasure doing Reader Mail this week. There has been some kick ass submissions that you guys are going to love. If you'd like to submit something for the site then we're happy to receive anything and everything... all you have to do is click here to make the magic happen.

Steven wrote: Subject: Having fun with photoshop It was 2 AM and I had nothing better to do, so I justed looked through your site for uhhh... Lets just call it inspiration. After several minutes of searching your website I had come to the conclusion that I really really wanted to photoshop a penis... For some reason... I have no doubt in my mind that this photo will not impress anyone, still it would be an honor to have my little project posted on the front page of your website in the reader mail section. I have the utmost respect for you and your website, you take time out of your life to give other people the happiness that pornography gives. Infact I have so much respect for the effort you put in to you website that if you were to come to my house and stab me in the chest I would say "Its cool man, I respect you!" Please don't stab me in the chest...

Rene Lopez wrote: Subject: New Lingere Repaired photo. Please withhold my adress, the girl is beutiful, but I king of improved her a little. Ask her to send other photos. Like to see her tatoo

Trev wrote: Subject: retouch Thought you'd like my retouch from last weeks reader's mail! cheers Orsm! Last week's copy can be found here. -Orsm

Duncan wrote: Subject: Bali Hi, I just spent the Xmas holidays in Bali. The place was deserted which was a shame 'cos the people and food are great. They want the tourists back and are doing all they can to get rid of the bad images of their paradise island - see attached.

Junior wrote: Subject: Fraudulent posters You have a link on the readers section from a dude claming to have presented pics of his misses pleasuring him. Hope you don't mind me askin (I know the entire history of the movie in question), where does Scott come from? Depending on the answer, I will be able to reasonably confirm the vid as the real deal, or prove that Scott is a 20-somethimg no mates lardanator! PS, I've included a snap of the dog. He's a precocious three year old Newfoundland who tips the scales at a not insubstantial 80kg!

dj wrote: Subject: carexposure Hi, Man i got lucky at a carexposure in Belgium. my wife was in the bar when i said i'am gonna take some picture's of the bike's and look what i saw. by the way ORSM keep up the good work

Fran Johns wrote: Subject: Cool Shirt Pix... Hey Orsm, Love the site. In keeping with tradition, I am sending you an updated picture that should have been in "cool shirts". It is a pic of my fiance'. Keep up the good work, everyone on this side of the pond loves this site...

charles wrote: Subject: f650 hello mr orsm, i love your site.. watch for the updates regularly. when i saw the pics for the Ford F650 i was amazed... i love this truck.. i drive the one pictured and believe it to be one of the best tow trucks around.. capable of doing so much more than is rated for.. please feel free to use(edited if needed) the enclosed pics. keep up the good work.

Cambo wrote: Subject: (no subject) Mr.Orsm. hey this is a photo of a mate who always swore she would never do anything with girls... wonderfull what a cocktail party will do to your principles. hide my address thanks mate. love ur site. keep up the good work.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Emailing pic Hey dude, can you please put this photo of our friend beans on your site , this was taken on another big night out in fiji, we all live and work here in fiji and love your work!!, can you withhold my name. thanks

Tim wrote: Subject: HOW CAMP AM I?? Dear Mr. Orsm, Please put these pics on your site, I'm begging you! HOW CAMP AM I?? This boy thinks he's a real hard man, well he did until I took these pics of him on the sly prancing around in his silly little pants! He reckons hes a real muscle man sporty as you like, this was him playing football. If you can please just put the second sentence under the pic.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Clare Valley Ad Howdy. Just thought this might get some laughs... The Clare Valley people sure do have some strange demands... Please change/hide my name/email to protect the innocent. Cheers

Joey wrote: Subject: Perth to Mandurah train line construction A pic of the tunnel under the city currently under construction. Thought you might like this :) Cheers

Peter wrote: Subject: Spanish Game Show Host Do you have any idea who this bird is ? I got an e-mail saying it was a spanish game show host. Would live to see more of her. Have had a few people ask about her. Anyone out there know? -Orsm

Daniel wrote: Subject: commodore gymnastics Here are some photos of my '99 VT Commodore (also a before photo) that I wrote off after losing control at 210 km/h. It barrel rolled 18 times, before ending up on the roof, then bursting into flames. As a result I have been in hospital for the last month with a broken back, fractured neck, broken collar bone, 7 broken ribs (2 fractured), and 2 punctured lungs. I now have my spine held together with screws and aluminium plates, and am in constant pain. I am lucky to have survived, the only reason being - I didnt have a seatbelt on, so I rolled around inside the car, rather than being crushed by the roof. Hopefully this is a reminder to everyone out there to slow down and drive safe.

bananadong wrote: Subject: Banana Worx hi orsm, here is my newest shit for your great site. greetinx to down under Umm... thanks mate... -Orsm

Dave wrote: Subject: Who IS this girl??? Hi Orsm. These pics were sent by a guy pretending to be a chick on chat. Not bad!!

Russ wrote: Subject: New M-60 Mk 43 For all you old timers and young timers who carried or fired the M-60 machine gun. Remember the ranges and Infantry Training? Here's short film demonstrating the newest model of the M-60 machine gun. It also demonstrates a new way to dig ditches! Amazing. I can remember changing hot barrels after just 200 rounds and now they are talking 15000 rounds!

Aberdeen Angus wrote: Subject: Scottish Guy Joins The Mile High Club Hi Mate, Happy New Year and all that, I trust your excellent site will be of the same standard this year as previous years. This clip is from a local comedy show. Pissed up holidaymakers, you can't beat them (you can try though)

Brett Miosge wrote: Subject: robots just a vid of some robots my kids got 4 xmas cool site Robosapiens right? So many times I have come so close to buying one of them but then it occurs to me I aren't 6 years old anymore and it will probably just scare the dog... -Orsm

duztr wrote: Subject: Mud wrestling ay orsm. got a vid of this chick im "supposed" to be fucking, but all im gettin is fucked around. this is on her 18th bday with one of her friends mud wrestling at a gay bar, connections, here in perth. hopefully one day ill get into her mud hahaha :) Mate you'd wanna be careful no one got in your mud hanging out at Connies! -Orsm

David Atkins wrote: Subject: toys Hey, we were up late fucking around with some of my old toys from when I was a kid. Stupid shit, but amusing. So childish and immature that I found myself in hysterics. -Orsm

Tyler wrote: Subject: Disgusting but funny puke event (video) Hey there, This is a video I taped of the aftermath following a friends bachelor party. Good friends, good time, and puke olympics. There will be more where this came from if you use it Awesome site, keep up the good work. Tyler (camera guy) Noah, Mark and crew! That's fucking crazy... and disgusting... and hilarious. Sympathy-spewers beware! -Orsm

THE HOTTEST NAKED TASTIEST BABES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH CAN BE FOUND BY CLICKING HERE.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done. Seeya."

ORSM VIDEO

Global Warming

Still Kicking

Wild Rally Action

Blown Away

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden and he felt lonely. "What is the matter with you?", God asked. Adam said, he had no one to talk to. God said, he would make him a companion and that would be a woman.

He said: "The woman will collect food for you and she will make your food, and when you discover clothes she will wash it for you.

She will also agree with you in all of your decisions and she will not argue with you, and she will always be the first to admit that she is wrong when you have a fight or disagreement.

She will compliment you!

She will carry your children and will never ask you to get up at nights to take care of the children.

She will NEVER have a headache and will always give you love and passion whenever you want it."

Adam asked God "What is the price of such a woman?"A God Answered "An arm and a leg". Then Adam asked "What can I then get for a rib?" "Then it becomes a little different..." The rest is history...

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An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him so he pulls a compass out of his pencil case and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his compass out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out the compass and stabs himself.

Later on in the evening he wakes up in the inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones "You've let me down, you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down"

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Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sisters!' and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

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ORSM VIDEO

Sexual Harassment

Out Gunned

Kelsey Stack

Bear Vs Lion

Well girls and boys that is it. I'm done. Finished. Finito. No more, Charlie. All over. Time to call it a day.

As I mentioned way above there's a chance I won't be updating next week. If this scenario eventuates I implore you to chill the fuck out, take a deep breath and don't do anything rash - I shall return. In the mean time if you could all do me a HUGE favour and tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbours and absolutely anyone else you meet about this totally amazing website you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and have a happy Australia Day! enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Hai nube...

Ah yes here we are again... already! The second of what will most likely be 52 updates for the year... unless I somehow manage to convince myself into taking a holiday, become ill or just plain drop dead.

I'm sure that like most people carking it all of a sudden is actually a thought that occurs to me every now and then and more specifically: what would happen if? The place I spend more time that any other is online and not surprisingly over the years I have made craploads of mates and friends and colleagues and buddies from all around the world.

Having said that, for the most part my interaction is limited to IM and email. Someone sends me a message, I reply and the cycle repeats. But what would happen if I never replied? I have practically no crossover between the real world and the online world so I wonder how would anyone know that I'd been flattened by a bus whilst crossing the road or killed in a knife fight with a clown?

Obviously my friends and family in the real world would - hopefully they'd even hold some sort of funeral service or something but what about everyone else? What about this website which I've spent the last five or six years working on? Come to think of it with that one the updates would probably just stop. There isn't really anyone who can take over doing updates because no one else besides me knows the drill. Eventually my credit card would max out, the hosting would be cut off and I'd disappear into the nothingness without explanation. Kind of a daunting thought.

Anyway no need for concern. I'm not expecting to fall off the face of the earth just yet - I just thought I'd use my blog to explore it and possibly even take up a few paragraphs on something other than what's been going on... which bring me to... what's been going on...

As you will likely recall last week was my first update back after the holiday break and due to some sort of random sickness I was suffering through I only managed a mini-update. Much to my dismay whatever it was that had been kicking my ass didn't actually clear fully from my body until around Tuesday. I don't know if it was a good or bad thing but the most noticeable symptom was being extremely tired all the time. I haven't slept that much in ages. Of course the side effect of that is guilt - god knows why but I feel like a bad person when I spend time sleeping that I could be putting to better use elsewhere. It's a vicious cycle.

Last weekend wasn't all that exciting. First thing Saturday morning I had a mates brother-in-law booked to install an aircon for my TV room. 8am sharp he said they'd be there so I set my alarms [three of them] to go nuts at 7.15am. I sleep, they go off, wake up feeling like I'm ready to die and decide to go back to sleep for 'five for minutes'. Half past 8 my mobile starts ringing, I see the caller ID [uhoh], I answer, "Umm hello?", reply "Mate where the fuck are ya? We've been knocking on the door for half an hour!" Oops... talk about embarrassing. Admittedly it didn't take me too long to get over it because with the weather set to 'absolutely fucking stinking hot' my new found fridge-like environment made me feel a million percent better.

The rest of the weekend consisted of a family BBQ, a trip to the dog beach, an afternoon nap, a DVD and you guessed it - another BBQ. You've really gotta love this time of year. While I am on the subject of DVD's... I have no idea who picked up The Nest for me off my Amazon wishlist but you rock! I haven't had a chance to watch it yet but I intend on righting that this weekend.

Alright time to get on with the update but before I do... I know they have been done to death but after a quick scan of my computer a while back I realised I had tonnes of Hoff pics lying around so I've begun putting them into galleries which you guys will see over the next few weeks... starting here. Anyway... on with it...

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If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Eliza Dushku Hotness - Sumo Down - Panoramas - Cookie Monster - Tasty Zena - Beautiful Blonde

A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"

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There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?!

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this answer, I end it? Now you see why it takes 3-7 times as long to learn English as it does to learn Spanish and why English sucks!!

ORSM VIDEO

Shark Vs Octopus

Rally Rolls

Fun With Thermite

Maximum Dildo

THE HOTTEST NAKED TASTIEST BABES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH CAN BE FOUND BY CLICKING HERE.

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said. "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me screw you." But the girl said "NO!".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened...?" She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

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READER MAIL
Reader mail returns for the New Year in a spectacle to behold. With a three week hiatus things have piled up around here and with all those tens of millions of emails to go through the whole update process came close to being derailed. Thankfully for you guys I managed it to keep it all together and what you're about to surf through is one of the biggest RM's ever.

Now if you would like to be one of the uber-folks that contribute to this section then I would most definitely love to hear from you. Top of the hit list is nude pictures of ex's, fucked up vids of pretty much anything, pictures of pretty much anything and jokes that made you piss your pants. All you have to do is click here!

Chris wrote: Subject: Just Do It After viewing the Sylvia "All i want for Christmas" set it seems to me that Nikes Christmas Trainer sales can not have gone well. Looks likes they've brought out a new product range! Brings an even broader scope to the old 'Just Do It'... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: New lingere'..... Please dont show details.... Just bought some new lingere... thought you might like it... wondering... would you ever post a pic of yourself.... I am actually hidden around the site in a few places although I can't for the life of me remember where... -Orsm

The Seeker wrote: Subject: Cheap Poo For you First time contribution... check it out if you can use it... Love your site.

Tom wrote: Subject: t shirt hey. this is a tshirt that i saw for sale while shopping at the market at venice beach california.

Keef wrote: Subject: Xmas Mate, i got to drive this quarter mill SL 350 on xmas day while half cut. I duly gave it the flogging it deserved. Also saw this. I'd say they are trying to get poon off your good name.

C wrote: Subject: Picture of Perth Sunset Hey orsm, Here's a pretty cool picture I took of Perth's sunset on 2nd January 2006, thought you might appreciate it. Great pic! Nothing beats a Perth sunset! -Osm

Xplodefalcon wrote: Subject: party pool is a winner!!! hey man, love your site, makes my day when it's been updated. this is a 330buck pool from big w, bout 9 o'clock new years eve, it was getting to cold, so we ripped the radiator out of my car, and hooked it up for a pool heater. worked a bloodly treat!! Hope you had a good.

FoX wrote: Subject: Poor Prick. Mr. Orsm. I took a photo of a Subaru Liberty that was parked at the National Convention Centre in Canberra on the 3/1/06. Besides the red spray paint the car looked brand new. Sorry about the quality, it was taken on my phone. Sad that people would do something like this. -Orsm

bryce rockzors wrote: Subject: funny pic i made for your site hi there, love your site, ive edited a pic from the cronulla riots in sydney and i found it quite amusing, if you think its any good put it on your site, here u go. cheers

Jez wrote: Subject: Sally Malay gets off to a flying start in 2006 Here are some photos of a truck after being hit by about 600 tonnes of rock that fell off the wall 35 metres above. It happened yesterday arvo after about 2 weeks of pretty consistent rain. The truckie is alright but got flown out by the flying doctor to broome last night to get checked out. The digger driver copped a bit of broken glass and there are two very lucky ore spotters who where standing just in front of the digger bucket, they made it behind the digger in time. The Ute got a couple of dents but luckily the truck bore the brunt. The truck was near empty at the time of the rock fall. As a result there is a need for a new truck driver (preferably with own truck) and are inviting candidates to send their resumes.

Guy Campbell wrote: Subject: 7 ft cock from the UK This year we have had quite a bit of snow for the UK, and as we don't get it that often we have to take full advantage of it. Love the site, enjoy.

John wrote: Subject: Fun with nudes Mr. Orsm, Saw the picture of this lovely woman online, but found it incredibly funny. This is the best thing I could think to do with it. I wonder if someone can think up something better. Thanks.

klopy159 wrote: Subject: I need a strange video Hello, I have difficulty to fing on market some videos containing woman moving alone on bed. More details : a short video ( 30 seconds ) in which a fat woman is landing on a bed and simulating her beheading. She should shoot and cry, move her ass and her legs. It should be a bizarre video, isn't it ? I can't find a woman ready to be an actress in a video, she should be in shame. I use Ulead Video Editor. I perform my own pictures but no video. As example, I send you 2 strange pictures. Can you send a video or/and show me a site containing such videos ? Thanks ! ( I will ask to a woman if she accept to play with me in a short film and her face will be hidden. If I get successed, I send you the film... ) Errr... -Orsm

glenzoey wrote: Subject: Hayabusa meets Australia. G'day ORSM, I took these pics last week on a ride from Darwin to Adelaide. Some folks like the big bikes, so this is for them. One question, is that really Chopper Reid and off what show? If so, I never realised he was such a funny cunt. That weather report was bang on too, Alice was fucked. Thanks Chop. For those that have never seen that sign before, that is a 'Go your Fucken Hardest' sign. So, I did. Almost pissed my pants. Good on ya, for the best site this crap web has to offer. Thought I would do a nude for the ladies, I'm shit, but you can only work with the tools you've got and I don't see anyone else doing fuck all. I see plenty of wankers sending in pics of their ex's knockers, be a man and ask the bitch. She might give you some others, ya weak cunts. lol. Some are good though, so who am I to talk. Burnt my arse taking that one for you shielas, so I hope someone gets a kick out of it, ha. Post whatever you like, I don't really give a shit.

Mr Volk wrote: Subject: Here are some burnout photos... Here are some photos of the trusty old Xd Before it got retired. The engine was good but the body rusted away. Pity.... It was a 1980 Xd with 200 ci ......

<with held> wrote: Subject: Carla G'day Mr Orsm, here are some pics some loser in the UK sent me of his gf. Hope you can use them but please leave my details off She nasty. -Orsm

tiffany wrote: Subject: birdie i was driving home and it was gettin dark and i could have swore i hit one of those big moths that we get here in az but when i stopped for gas i seen that it was a bird. it stuck to my van all the way home on the highway about 40 miles at 100 or more miles an hour.. it kinda looked cool so i took pictures of it. poor little birdie... thankyou.

andy wrote: Subject: blackwall reach hey man great site keep up good work. im a first time sender and being from perth thought you would like these pics of me and my buddys jumping off on the cliffs at blackwall, cheers. ps any one in perth know the exact height of these cliffs?? ta,

Cadarn wrote: Subject: Linkage Hey Orsm, Heres the link to the site, just redesigned it so some help will be great! and heres a few pics from the site.. Thanks.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Very Ugly Fat Chick Hi Mr. ORSM. I love your site, been visiting it for years now! It's great entertainment! This is my first contribution, and I hope to be able to contribute more disturbing sh*t soon. The attached pictures were found on my friend's computer desktop. It's a pretty disturbing find, but leaving these pictures on such an obvious place (come on ... the DESKTOP! ... she could at least put them somewhere in a folder on the hard drive ... NOT the desktop!), she definetly deserves to be put on the internet.

John wrote: Subject: Pics Pics of my wife. Cheers! -Orsm

DtM wrote: Subject: Texas Highway Patrol - watch the video first Hey Whorsm wats up. I pretty sure you linked up or had this clip on your site a while back but here are sum pix that show the aftermath. how in fuck did those coppers not get killed hey?

Ken Anderson wrote: Subject: Vid Gday, My mate said you guys love shit like on this vid n told me to send it in, so here it is, the painful side of backyard wrestling haha

Scott wrote: Subject: videos hey there been a regular visitor to your site for a while and i have 2 videos of ex girl friends both files are in 3pg format, just thought i would send u them u may use them if u want but please dont show my email address. let me know what ya think of them.

<with held> wrote: Subject: howdy Mr Orsm - Great site! Just me and the ex... she likes to ride. Everybody does something good, and that's what she does. Hope you like. No details please.

Grant Lehmann wrote: Subject: head plant This was a moment at the end of an indoor bike racing party I was at years back. Gotta love the combination of beer, motorcycles and no helmets... The plug is for a friends new bikini business, so viewers can go there and buy sweet bikini's for their girlfriends, then send in a hot picture, and if it is used on the site they get a second pair free... Just an excuse to get them part naked in front of a camera really. Sounds good to me. I think this is about my 10th contribution to the best site on the net. First video one.. All the best for the new year Mr ORSM. thanks for another great year of entertainment..

Jeff wrote: Subject: Hey Orsm I made this little vid because I like chicken strips. Cheers. I saved this one for last because [for some reason] it made me laugh... yes I am easily amused. -Orsm

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An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

The first guy begins, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

And then the second guy pipes in with, "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Then the third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiles, puts his feet up and says, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" ...and she said, "Wear sun-block."

ORSM VIDEO

Balloon Bowl

Very Long Nips

Please Make It Stop

Jap Fear Factor

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE FREE PICS & VIDS OF GIRLS FUCKING GIRLS THEN PLEASE DO NOT CLICK HERE!

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No...".

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks... "So, you finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No...".

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... "So, you finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian..."

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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

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Mr. John Hinkley St.
Elizabeth Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John, Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes, Bill Clinton

P.S. George Bush is fucking Jodie Foster

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I don't know how I managed it but as of this morning the update didn't exist bar the reader mail section which was about half done. Somehow, with near constant interruption [and annoyance - you know who you are!] it has all come together. Okay I know what you're thinking and I can confirm it's true. And YES I KNOW there's a lot to be said for being modest but I agree with you all in thinking I am truly amazing. Honestly...

Anyway that's all from me for another week. I hope this one was worth waiting for and I will make sure I'm back next week with another bad boy update of epic proportions. Until then feel free to visit some of my sponsors by clicking ads around the site [they like that] or spreading the good word and telling the world about this amazing site you would called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and can stay in school. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet and welcome to 2006!

And just like that it's all over. Christmas, New Years and 2005. I swear the last couple of weeks have gone by with the blink of an eye too. Was it long enough? Not even close! But I did make a concerted effort to stay well away from the computer and for that I am thankful.

The only thing I regret is not getting the chance to take some 'me' time - from the Friday before Christmas it was all go. You may remember me complaining about being so busy trying to get stuff done around the house my shopping was left to the last two days. By some miracle I managed to get most of it done on the Friday and did the dribs and drabs on Saturday and spent that nite wrapping stuff and cooking for the next day.

Christmas day was [as usual] an absolute killer. Got to my mums place by 11am-ish and stuffed around for a while, did the prezzie swapping thing and sat down with about 20 of us for lunch. Turkey, pork, prawns, crayfish, potato salad... all the good stuff and it was bloody awesome. All I can say is that it's a shame you can only eat like that every twelve months. I left there around 5pm and headed off to pick up my grandmother so we could do dads side of the family for dinner. I don't think we actually ate until around 8pm but I was still completely stuffed from lunch so I just sort of picked.

By the time that wound up it was after 11. Add to that another hour on the road dropping people home and I was finally able to call it a day. By the time I got to bed I was completely buggered. Isn't it amazing how sitting around eating, talking and pretending you care can tire you out so much? The best part of the day? It wasn't roasting hot like every other Christmas I can remember!

Boxing Day was a lot quieter. For the first time in far too long I slept in and spent the rest of the day catching up with friends and watching a DVD. The rest of the week on towards New Years was pretty good too. I hit the after Christmas sales, returned some stuff I didn't want and chalked up a couple of sweaty days outside building my new carport wall. The problem with the damn wall at the moment is that we underestimated how many blocks I would need to get it done... only by about 20 or so but its enough that I have to work out how to go and pick some more up because its far too expensive to get them delivered just for that many. Great. After I work out how to get that sorted I have a few hours of back filling sand behind the wall and tidying up so as you'd expect I have been doing pretty much anything I can to delay proceedings.

On to New Years... as I have said a few times before the biggest problem was finding a home for the dog for a day or two. Usually not a problem but with dad out of town my options were extremely limited. It got to the point where I was last-minute calling to various kennels [a complete no-go at this time of the year unless you booked ages ago it seems] and almost faced with leaving her with friends parents.

Thankfully it all worked out in the end. Mother dearest got wind of the fact I was considering leaving dog at a kennel and finally said yes to taking her off my hands. Crisis averted.

New Years Eve was another killer day. I arose with the annoying buzz of my alarm and got moving straight away. First on the agenda was to get the house clean and all my laundry done. This HAD to be done before I got on the road because I have a thing about starting the new year with a tidy house... everything has to be cleeeeean. Same applies to the car so a couple more hours were invested in making sure it was spotless too.

As was probably always going to happen I was running way late so I got my shit packed, showered, bailed the dog in the car, dropped her at mums and got moving. Where to? Down south! A little place called South Yunderup which for the Perthies who are reading is just east of Mandurah. Everyone had already been there for a day so by the time I got there festivities were well underway and the drinking commenced as soon as possible.

Anyway to cut a long story short we had a frickin' great time rocking in the New Year. I saw the sunrise, followed that with a few hours sleep, lunch in Mandurah and decided to head back home that nite. As I write this the guys are still down south but I think it's safe to say we'll be doing something similar next year.

Before I get on with the update I should point out that this update is slightly different from what you guys usually see with the sole reason being I have been sick all week. Some sort of bug or throat cold or whatever but I have felt like absolute crap so a few sections have been chopped temporarily. To be honest, in my current condition I am amazed I cranked this update out at all but everything should be back to normal next week so no complaining until at least then! On with it...

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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try"? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says here's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"? Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."
--
I was in the Golden Wing Club last week en route to Sydney. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Kerry Packer sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Sydney with me but she was running a bit late. Being a 'more front than Myers' type of guy, I approached Mr Packer and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Peter" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Kerry Packer. I turned around and looked up at him. He said "G'day Peter, good to see you" to which I replied "Fuck off Packer, I'm in a meeting".

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job!"

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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen."

The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."

The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison..."

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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.

He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know I know, you're the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the fuck do you want?" "Driver's license and registration please."

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks
his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

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There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realised that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple!"

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A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah hu Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah hu Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah hu Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah hu Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah hu Akbar!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah hu Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing."

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A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink." "Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian." "You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back." So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink. After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?" The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges. After this she asks "Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?" "THANK YOU GOD!!!" the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!" At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

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Make Out

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Impatient

I won't stuff around too much here except to say thankyou all for tuning into the very first update of 2006! Whether or not it was up to my usual cutting-edge standards is for you guys to decide but keep in mind I feel like shit and I struggled to get this done as it was. As always I shall return next Thursday with a monster of an update with all the bits intact.

Before I go - best wishes and all that other crap to all you guys for the New Year!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be bitch. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.