|
|
|
| |
| orsmupdate
2005.01.27-23.42 |
|
Welcome to Orsmnet... the site that was recently
passed up for an Australian of the Year Award because lady who won
it has a daughter who is way hotter than me...
I hate this. I've had a relatively boring last
week and have spent the last few hours trying to conjure up something
worthy of reading. I guess I may as well do a run down of what's
been going on in my little world...
The weekend was relatively low-key. Saturday
we had the usual home open thing to deal with which meant out of
bed kind of early [8:30am] and start running around the place cleaning
up. It's amazing how much shit can pile up in a week and after 3
weekends of home opens it's starting to piss me off making sure
the joint is spotless and there's nothing lying around in plain
site for people to steal.
My biggest concern with all this is the more
unscrupulous members of society using the opportunity to scope out
the house for a potential break-in target. I'm pretty pedantic as
it is - I always make sure the curtains are closed and doors and
windows are dead-bolted before I leave the house but having all
these unknowns traipse around here while I aren't makes me feel
uncomfortable. It's not as if I have that much expensive crap but
without the dog to patrol [I aren't allowed to leave her here] and
a real estate agent who most likely doesn't give a shit if my stuff
goes missing I'm becoming more and more frustrated.
Anyway after the house was sorted we had a few
hours to kill whilst I opened my life to whoever felt like a look
so we went to do some house hunting of our own. Up until now I haven't
made too much of an effort to look at houses with the idea being
that if I look seriously I will find something I like and want to
buy but not be able to due to my finances still being a mess. As
it stands they are still all over the place but I figure if I don't
have an idea what I'm looking for before I start looking its just
going to make the whole process far longer and harder than it has
to be.
This is where it things begin to get interesting
and I get all pessimistic with the world. We looked at probably
10 different places. Some were absolute rubbish, some where half
decent but not what I wanted and the rest all seemed to be spectacular
but out of my price range. The advice people give you at this point
is 'keep looking - something will turn up!' and its fucking annoying.
Of course something will turn up but what they don't tell you is
in the mean time be prepared to waste countless looking at what
an ad describes as 'spacious character home' is in reality 'dilapidated
dogbox'.
 |
Sunday was a good day. The temperature cranked
to around 40 degrees [which I think is over 100 if you are American]
so first thing I did was head for the dog beach. The place was absolutely
packed so there was plenty of scenery and dog has a great time.
Actually that sort of reminds me... I should really throw out a
big thankyou to everyone who emailed me when I first got my puppy
with training tips and advice. I put in a shit load of work with
the training thing and now, just over 2 years since I got her, I've
ended up with a very well behaved dog. I always laugh when I see
some poor bastard trying to control their retarded poodle [or similar
'yapper'] when all I need do is calmly utter 'Milla, come' and she's
by my side at the blink of an eye no matter what the distraction.
Jump to yesterday and we had the Australia Day
public holiday which is just an excuse to relax and drink some beer.
Ours was probably quite similar to what most Aussies ages 18-30
did - fire up the BBQ, cook some sausages and lamb,
drink, enjoy the weather, hang with your mates and spend the afternoon
speculating who was going to take out the Hottest 100. For the record
and at the risk of being totally lambasted by the bong smoking crew
I had no idea who would even be in it because I refuse to listen
to Triple J these days...
Like I said... it's been
a quiet, uneventful week and I have no idea how I managed to dribble
on this long about it but I have, and it appears that I still am,
so scroll down and get on with the update...
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades
and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org.
I had my doubts when I was told about Teen
Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website
but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org.
You won't be disappointed!
If you like them young and ripe, Rabbit's got
a special site for you. Check out his in-depth review of 18
honeys!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Bikini
Chicks Go Wild - Feeling
Angry? - Magical
Trevor - I
Want One! - Jessica
Alba's ASS
Sexy
Celebrity Videos - Hot
For Play - Kamikaze
Chaos - Mesmerising
- Sexy
Drunk Duke Girls
A cat was running wildly down alleys, up fire
escapes, down cellars and what-not. A neighbour knew whose cat it
was and reported it. "Your cat is running around like mad."
"I know," answered the owner, "He's just been sterilized
and he is cancelling engagements."
--
A guy walking along noticed two union workers working along the
sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but
he couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally, he approached
the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working,
but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a
hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again."
"Oh," explained one of the workers, "the third guy
who plants the trees is off sick today."
--
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The
other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks,
"What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies,
"I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old
lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
 |
|
There is a story about a certain bookmaker who
was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened
upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven. Since
it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of country, and
he didn't know how much farther the next place would be, he decided
to stop there for the night, and satisfy his curiosity about the
name at the same time.
"It's very simple, really," the proprietor
explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided
to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might
get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes
it does."
"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck
of a name," said the bookie appreciatively. "I bet it
brings you a lot of business." "It hasn't brought me so
much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay
long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In
fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away,
whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely especially being an
old widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest
girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boy friends.
But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything
for a man."
The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened
to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the
subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served
to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even;
and when he was finished she still kept pressing him to ask for
anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like
me to sit and talk to you for a while?" "Thank you,"
he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like
closing the book."
He went to his room and had just started to undress
when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breath-taking
brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I
just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want." "I
think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot
of travelling, so I pack very systematically."
When he had finally convinced her and got rid
of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read
himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again
to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.
"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be
sure your bed was comfortable." "It is," he assured
her.
"I hope you're not just being tactful,"
she insisted. "May I try it myself?" "If you must,"
said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."
When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh
of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door
burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing
with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared.
"I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing,
the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show
you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us
Evens good enough for you?"
"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But
I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only
lay Odds."
ORSM
VIDEO
This little gem of a video has been around
for a while now... I just never got my shit together and posted
it but if you haven't seen it before you're in for a good
laugh. As far as I understand it is not real and from some
TV show or something. Check it...
- Drunken
DUI Stop - |
 |
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they
had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction
to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this
carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, her car broke down on the
way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her
husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk
home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the
baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles
to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by
the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before
she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving
home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband
seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,
I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair
at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove
the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise
not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer
the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting
her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her
husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted
her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it
smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of
pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three
more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned
to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for
another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the
end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her
napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling
contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her
husband returned, apologising for taking so long.
He asked her if she peeked and she assured him
that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold... and
she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table to wish her "Happy Birthday"!!!
I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me
what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com
and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You
won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes
of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.
It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE!
So why wouldn't you click click
here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE
pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll
leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the
swamp near Washington DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one
and said "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger
than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just
don't get it".
"Well" says the big 'gator, "what
have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you",
replied the small 'gator. "Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch
them?" "Down at the other end of the swamp at the parking
lot, by the capitol" "Same here. Hmmm.How do you catch
them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of those Lexus cars
and wait for them to unlock the car door. Then I jump out and grab
them on the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat them".
"AH!" says the big 'gator, "I
think I see your problem. You ain't getting enough nourishment.
See, by the time you done shakin' the shit out of a politician,
there ain't nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase".
An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow
off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon
me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I
need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you
must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman
in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years
old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
ORSM
VIDEO
An office manager had money problems and had
to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the
employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees
came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first
one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took
a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the
longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch
break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd see who would leave
work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager
went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem.
I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well,
you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
RANDOM SHITE
According to the email you guys have sent
me over the last few days I well and truly nailed Random Shite
last week... let's see if I can even come close this time
shall we...
RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS |
 |
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt,
hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well,
I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking
horses, mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women,
when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think
of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered
another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are
you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought
I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked
her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he
left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with
him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail
it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he
had done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent
of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because
when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1.
it had never been occupied; 2. that there was plenty of heat; 3.
that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night,
however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First
of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty
of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
Well guy's that wraps up another
update, the 4th for this year would you believe! With a bit of luck
everything should return to normal next week and full size updates
including reader mail will once again grace these pages. If you've
got something you wanna say or something you thing is Orsm-worthy
then drop me a line here.
For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd
like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for
all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week
then swing by my wish
list and buy
me shit!
Until next time, be good,
stay off the chem's and have a remember it's wrong to be gay...
unless you're 18-20, shaven and female. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
|
| |
| orsmupdate
2005.01.20-22.36 |
|
Wouldn't it be great to bitch slap someone across
the internet? I swear whoever finally figures out how to make this
a reality will make enough money to make even Bill Gates jealous.
If you cast your minds back a couple of months,
the site had a patch of downtime over a couple of weeks when my
previous host failed and then when we moved Orsmnet to a new server.
If you've been reading for a really long time you may also remember
that we built the
servers that run the site and shipped them to Texas to fulfil
their responsibilities. The reason we moved everything on to a new
machine rather than just pick up my servers and ship them is because
I knew we would have problems with the web host and as it turned
out I was 100% right.
After the new server was up and running I notified
him that due to several issues including unexplained dropouts, 2
days of unexplained downtime [which was the icing on the cake],
the fact the bandwidth to the servers was deceptively throttled/restricted
and non-existent customer service, I was terminating any arrangement
with him and wanted my servers back immediately. This is where shit
got really interesting. I was told that they would not be returned
unless I paid him US$1500. Now I don't know about anyone else but
I consider that a fair whack of cash... I don't have it just to
throw around and especially not when the service I was receiving
was so poor and in my eyes violated our contract.
So we argued for the next week or so over chat,
I said some things that I probably shouldn't have and all of a sudden
he tells me that my servers are going to be sold [against my wishes
and without my authority] to recoup the money I allegedly owed him
on my contract. It became clear around this time I was dealing with
a pro, someone who had been through this plenty of times with plenty
of people and knew exactly how to screw me.
Anyway, one thing led to another and I got him
to agree to sign a release from my contract if I coughed up US$1000.
He made this entire process way harder than it had to be, promising
he was going to be online at certain times so everything could be
organised, not showing up and then having the audacity to tell me
I missed the deadline and the servers were going to be sold. Huge
stress and far too many sleepless nights.
It took the better part of 6 weeks from when
I initially said I wanted my stuff back but I finally got the release
signed and returned at which time I sent the $1000. Great I thought,
I just need to get them shipped and everything will be back to normal.
How wrong I was. After he gets the cash he once again pulls the
magical disappearing act I had become so accustomed to and I don't
hear from him for 10-12 days.
By this point I'm frustrated. When he finally
shows up online again I say my piece and ask him to contact the
company whose service he was reselling me and get the servers shipped.
He goes on to explain that there will be a $190 charge PER SERVER!
After even more arguing I give up and call directly the company
he buys from and ask what the standard charges are... have a guess
how much? If you said $25 per server plus shipping you'd be right!
Another week passes and he finally returns online
and we continue arguing. By this stage it's a couple of days until
Christmas and he assures me that upon supplying him my credit card
details there will be no extra cost on top of what he is charged
BUT it will have to wait until the new year to get the ball rolling.
January the 3rd rolls around and I hand over my details then sit
idly by for a few more days until I hear back from him again.
So almost 3 weeks since I did that and I haven't
heard a peep from him for 2 of those. I once again contacted the
sales rep he deals with and am informed that due to him having some
sort of 'discrepancy' with his bill they have put a hold on releasing
any of the equipment under his care. Fucking great.
It's now been over 3 months
since I originally asked for them back and what you've read above
is well and truly the condensed version but it's hard to deny that
I am no closer to getting my shit back than I was in October. What
a fucking joke. After all this I have learnt a couple of valuable
lessons but I'm left with one burning question - why the hell are
people such dickheads?
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades
and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org.
I had my doubts when I was told about Teen
Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website
but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org.
You won't be disappointed!
Every once in a while, you need a dose of good
hardcore. Don't know where to get it? Then head over to Rabbit's
hardcore
porn reviews!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Too
Much Fun! - Man
Gets Broadband - Blindfolded
Piano - The
iPorn - Psycho
LS1 - Denise
Richards In Lingerie
Sexy
Bikini Girls - One
Of A Kind - Job
Title Generator - Whack
Your Boss - Kissing
A Super Model
Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all
about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards
Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile. "Do you understand?"
his mother asked. "Yes," replied Little Johnny. "Do
you have any questions?" asked his Mother. "Yes, how about
little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny. "In
exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom. "Wow!"
Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"
--
Normal is: getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving
through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order
to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car
and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to
live in it.
 |
|
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he
announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or
three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds
of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist. It took
three weeks to clean up the theatre.
ORSM
VIDEO
The compilations continue and this week
we take a look at the best of Priceless. It features all of
my favourite vids from the Priceless vid section of the site.
Oh yeah... this is actually the first one I banged together
so if it sucks, that's why. Check it...
- Orsmnet
Presents: Get Priceless -
|
 |
I'VE
BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT
TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL
DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock
in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and
goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It
is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns
to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk
guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?"
she asks. "No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it
is pouring out!" says the husband.
"Well, you have a short memory,"
says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are
you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do
you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!"
comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the
husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replied the drunk.
I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me
what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com
and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You
won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes
of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.
It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE!
So why wouldn't you click click
here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE
pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll
leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said,
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil
witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, my sweet, we can
marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and
forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't fucking think so."
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident
and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly,
neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees
the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This
must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet
and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must
be a sign from God."
And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle
of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune. And so he handed the bottle
to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs,
and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle,
didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest.
The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?" And
the rabbi replied, "No… I think I'll just wait for the
police."
ORSM
VIDEO
Walking on the beach one day, a young man finds
the proverbial lamp washed up on shore. Upon rubbing the lamp a
genie appears and states quite proudly that he is not your ordinary
genie. The man inquires as to what makes this genie so special.
To this the genie explains that no matter what the man asks for
his three wishes, his mother-in-law will receive twice as much.
Although the man did not like his mother-in-law very much he was
very excited about getting 3 wishes.
"Well, for my first wish" says the young man
"I would like 5 million dollars". POOF! Right in front of him is
5 million bucks. The genie then says "Your mother-in-law has 10
million dollars sitting in front of her right now". This visibly
upsets the man but is still quite excited about his second wish
"I have always wanted a Rolls Royce, so that's what I want for my
second wish". POOF! Of course, in front of him is the most beautiful
piece of machinery he has ever laid his eyes upon. "Your mother-in-law
has two of those just like it" says the genie. This was too much
for the gentleman to handle.
After about a half-an-hour of contemplation he
returns to the genie and says "I know exactly what I want for
my third wish, I want to be beaten half to death!!"
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper
have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're
out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO
Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper.
"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper. "You
blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's
sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker
comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and
I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea
means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes
to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary
with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says,
"what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in
the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates."
He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of
a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The
flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the
attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the
buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons
marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not
listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity
got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately
a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought,
Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he
pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his
wet bottom and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, no wonder
these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation.
A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom
lightly with talc. Man, this is great, he thought as he reached
out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was
just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out where
he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered
was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, Yes, you must have been
having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal
button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.
A honeymooning couple was passing through Kentucky.
When they were approaching Versailles, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before
we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you
very slowly pronounce where we are". The guy behind the corner
leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
Okay I think that's all I'm good
for. Make sure you tune back in next week for more of the same and
even a bit of not the same.
For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd
like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for
all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week
then swing by my wish
list and buy
me shit!
Until next time, be good,
stay off the chem's and have a remember it's wrong to be gay...
unless you're 18-20, shaven and female. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
|
| |
| orsmupdate
2005.0.13-20.07 |
|
Welcome to Orsmnet and welcome
to what was recently described by the old, non-English speaking
Polish lady who cleans my house as the pinnacle of adult entertainment.
Well I seem to have found myself
back in the swing of things this week. I've been kept quite busy
doing all those stupid little chores that don't actually count towards
productivity but nonetheless take up oodles of time. Most of it
has been on the computer reorganising. Would you believe that with
560gigs of storage on my main PC I am running out of space? Ridiculous.
Ended up costing me most of yesterday whilst I attempted to delete
or back up as much as possible. I need to stop downloading random
rubbish I find on the net and learn that file sharing has its downfalls.
This has all been brought on
by the cleaning bug within coming out of hibernation just in time
for summer. As I have mentioned a while back, we're getting kicked
out of this place because the landlord is selling up. Plans did
change slightly though - instead of moving out this weekend like
we were supposed to so they could paint and get the house ready
to sell, we've been allowed to stay as whoever buys it next may
let us continue to dwell here.
So last Saturday we had the first
home open. I wasn't too thrilled about this as it meant lots of
random, unknown people traipsing their way through the house looking
at my shit but I had no choice or say in the matter so what can
you do? In the lead up to it I thought I had better get the place
clean and presentable... do all the maintenance sort of stuff that
I'd have to do when we move out anyway. This pretty much just involved
cleaning up after the dog... dig all the turds out of the garden,
wipe marks off the walls, clean wet nose marks off glass doors and
putting things away or back in cupboards out of peoples site. I
can't handle the thought of someone coming into my house and thinking
I live like an animal.
The problem now is that until
the house sells we have to keep it more or less immaculate incase
the agent wants to show anyone through during the week. It's not
such a bad thing as I'm a clean freak/obsessive compulsive wannabe
anyway but after spending almost 14 hours last Friday cleaning I
can't see myself staying enthused enough to do it every week.
 |
The rest of my weekend was pretty
cruisy. I visited my grandmother [something I don't do often enough]
and got talking about our family history. Its one of those things
that I always say I want to do but never make time for. Anyway,
without going into specifics, it was an absolutely fascinating 90
mins of great grandparents, great great grandparents, distant cousins,
uncles and aunts, relatives in other countries, family tragedies
and family disputes. I basically got 80 years of history over lunch
and it's something I'll definitely be pursuing with her again. If
you don't know how you got to where you are and have the opportunity
to find out then make the most of it!
Half of Sunday was spent at the
beach checking out the chicks and exercising the dog but mostly
checking out the chicks and I've got the damn sunburn to prove it.
I can usually handle a fair whack of sun before I get burnt and
as it wasn't that hot I flagged the whole sun cream thing so I've
been walking around all week with white sunglass stripes on the
sides of my head. Funny how everyone feels the need to comment on
it though - "oh, been out in the sun with your sunnies on huh?".
Duh... what the fuck do you think? That I just paint these on my
head so people will talk to me?
After that we made the
decision to not waste the rest of the weekend doing jack shit and
went bowling. Okay, if you're anything like me then you're probably
rolling your eyes and saying 'how boring' but it turned out to be
a fucking great idea. Where better to go when you're sunburnt to
buggery and dehydrated? Bowling! Cranked air-conditioning and a
surprisingly large number of females around to keep us amused whilst
we hurled balls down the aisle in an uncoordinated fashion. To be
honest I'm completely crap but it's hard not to have a good time
when you're sitting around with your mates dishing up shit to each
other after every chuck.
It's shaping up to be a good summer...
lets see how long it takes before something comes along and fucks
that all up...
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
During the day, he's a common driver in Montreal,
Canada. At night, he turns into a self-made porn star that bangs
all kinds of chicks for his website. Read the full BrunoB
review.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Karate
Babes - Quasar
Master - Crazy
Flips - Read
The Story First - Anna
Kournikova's Sexy Ass
Madonna
Giving Head - Jessica's
Wet T-Shirt - Oh
Deer - Paris
Hilton's Sexy Ass
Carlos calls his boss and
says, "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got
headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When
I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me some tail.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and
I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
--
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around
a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the
children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems
so wanted them to work on it there. Soon enough she heard a little
girl say very softly "damn!". The teacher leaned over
and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little
girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said,
"Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
 |
|
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack
of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax
build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now
I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's
why:
The population of Australia 20 million. 9 million
are retired. That leaves 11 million. There are 7 million in school,
which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 2 million
employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the
work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with doing
what ever little Johnny has being told to do. Which leaves 1.5 million
to do the work.
Take from the total the 1 million people who
work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people
to do the work. At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 220,000 people to do the work. Now, there are 219,998 people
in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me. And there you are sitting on your
arse, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...
ORSM
VIDEO
The second update for the new year and
time for my next compilation video instalment. I'm starting
to get the hang of tinkering with video editing software finally
which made the process entirely less painful and hopefully
it's reflected in this one. There's no particular theme except
that it showcases some of my favourite clips that have been
posted on Orsmnet over the last few years. Feedback
welcome for this one also! Check it...
- Orsm
Presents: Feeling 4 U - |
 |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the
desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo
Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies,
"I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?"
asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident
the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,
Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo
Sabi, you dumb fuck. Someone has stolen our tent."
I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me
what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com
and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH AND
ITS ALL FREEEEEE!!! You won't end up with a massive credit card
or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't
want. All you need to do is signup with an email address - it's
that easy! They'll even let you sign up with a Hotmail or Gmail
account.
So what's stopping you? You'll
get access to all the celebrity sex tapes, thousands of free pics,
live cam girls and more streaming video than you could ever possibly
download and like I said - ALL FREE so stop reading this and click
here to check it out now!!
Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to
the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his
penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's
willing to try an experimental surgery.
Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor
tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's
trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having
sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery
and about 6 weeks later the gives frank the go ahead to "try
out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner.
While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his
pants.
It gets unbearable and he figures no one can
see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis
pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll,
and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and
then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty
cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a
painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't
know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realise there
is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to
get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in
each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three
nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against
the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment
on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and
pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's
a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls
on his manhood... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls
once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives
several more tugs, then yells: "Mary, Mother of God - Hand
Lotion too!"
ORSM
VIDEO
The Irish daughter had not been to the house
for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where
have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us,
not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you
call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...
I became a prostitute..." "WHAT? Get out of here, you
shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't
want to see you ever again!"
"Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to
give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion,
plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my
little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking
new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus
a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath) - and
an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new
yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A Prostitute Dad... sniff,
sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death,
girl! I thought you said a PROTESTANT!!! Come here and give your
old man a hug!"
RANDOM SHITE
Got something you wanna contribute to RS?
Send it my way! For all the rest
of you just sit back, click the damn links and prepare yourselves
for the inevitable! Check it...
RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS
- RS |
 |
One night a police officer was staking out a
particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time,
he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try
his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat
in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto
the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered
the breathalyser test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled
officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Two little boys are sitting in the living room
watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the Father
with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The Mother turns back to
the two boys and says "We're going upstairs for a minute. You
two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. Okay?"
The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off
upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's
going on now and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of
the stairs, he peeks into his Mum and Dad's bedroom and shakes his
head.
Back down stairs he goes to his little Brother.
"Come with me," he says. And the two little boys tiptoe
up the stairs. Halfway up, the older Brother turns to his younger
Brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is
the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!"
Well tickle my bits and call me DONE! If you
enjoyed this update then do me a favour and drop
me a line. If you didn't enjoy it then kill yourself now but
first send me an email and tell me why.
If you don't want your name or email posted on the site then
make sure you tell me! I'm pretty big on feedback
lately can you tell!?
For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd
like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for
all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week
then swing by my wish
list and buy
me shit!
Until next time, be good,
stay off the chem's and have a remember it's wrong to be gay...
unless you're 18-20, shaven and female. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2005.01.06-19.04 |
|
I must be fucking stupid. After my last update
I promised myself I was going to have a break for at least a couple
of weeks but here I am, back into it with barely a week under my
belt. Why? Fuck knows but a lot of procrastinating went into the
decision until Monday night finally rolled around and it occurred
to me I would just feel guilty if I didn't. So despite the fact
I know I'll regret it... here I am.
I spent some time talking [read: crapping on] about plans and activities
of the festive season so I'll give you all a quick recap [because
I know everyone is dying to find out!]. Christmas day wasn't actually
too bad except for the heat, the rain and the humidity, oh and the
fact I had to make 10 different stops on the day. I racked up just
under 200kms making sure I saw everyone I wanted to see but after
a long 18 hours I was thrashed and glad to call it a day. I don't
know how Santa does it but I definitely won't be going coast to
coast next year believe me.
As for presents, I didn't do too badly. Most
of it was stuff that I will need for when I get out of here and
into my own house which was thoughtful. There were a couple of things
that I didn't accept and asked for them to be returned - I mean
how much aftershave can one person own or use? As for the presents
I got the rest of my family, they were well received. All good.
New Years Eve didn't go anything like what was
planned. Due to pretty much all of my friends doing the Perth Cup
thing on New Years Day I was no-mated and hit the town with just
2 others. One thing led to another, we all got drunk, finished up
and I was at home in bed by 4am. It probably would've been a much
later/better night if certain people [who will remain nameless]
hadn't of put a damper on things. Live and learn I guess...
Those 2-3 weeks of December is one of the few
times I stress out unnecessarily and it detracts from the fun of
it all so I'm glad it's over for another year.
The few days after Christmas were just what the
doctor ordered. What did I do? NOTHING! I sat on my ass and watched
DVD's, and slept and caught up with friends, slept, went out for
lunch, did some family stuff, hit the sales and basically just relaxed.
Why cant every week be like that?
Anyway, on to more recent events and with the
Tsunami dominating most of them lately it would be wrong for me
to ignore it. I don't particularly want to go on about how much
of a tragedy it was, how sad it was that so many people died, the
desperation the thousands of orphaned children must now feel, or
the anguish shared by so many surviving relatives - anything I could
say has likely been said a thousand times already.
Unfortunately I'm now at the point where I simply
can not read or watch another thing about it. Funnily enough this
has little to do with the actual events themselves and more with
the media free for all that has and is taking place. How many reporters
do they need to send up there to tell the same fucking story?
Devastation? Yes, we know! Tragedy? Yes, we know!
Sadness? Yes, we know! How about donating the money it costs to
send them up there to charity? I don't know, maybe there's an argument
for so much coverage, maybe it helps people grieve, maybe not everyone
is like me and doesn't think its just one big ratings battle. I
understand that people need to know but honestly - how
long before everyone gets sick of tsunami this and tsunami that
and more harm than good is done?
One final thing... if you haven't got around
to donating to one of the many tsunami victim funds yet then please
do. I'm not going to single out or recommend any specific charity
but to put it bluntly - without our help these people are screwed.
If you've been reading my site for any period
of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so...
it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of
vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love
to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention
it's all free too? Check
it now!
Ever wonder how porn actresses learn their art?
Well if you care to know how LESBIAN ones do it, head over to Lesbo101,
and make sure you get a front-row seat!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge TV
yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard
about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites
to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is
truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of
ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does
that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Unbelievable
Dress - Sexy
Workout -
Freakin Fries - Homemade
Tank - Playboy
@ McDonalds - Club
Sluts
Chick
Water Fight - Jessica
In A Bikini - Nat
Portman Naked - She
Blocked Me - Booty
Shakin
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket
during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and
the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor
in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners
burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist..."
--
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked
up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, purple, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man
just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old
man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's
the matter old timer... never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once
and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.
 |
|
The boss of a big company needed to call one
of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with
a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with
him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small
voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult,
the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes",
came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small
voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child
would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a
message with the person Who should be there watching over the child.
Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a
policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing
what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and
the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard
what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone
the boss asked, "What is that noise?" A hello-copper"
answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?"
asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed,
concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice
replied along with a muffled giggle: Me!"
ORSM
VIDEO
For the last few months I have
been trying to come up with something to spice up the January
updates. I ended up with a shit load of idea's however most
of them were exactly that - shit. One that did sort of stick
out was doing a compilation thing so I sat down and poured
through thousands of vids and stuck some of them together.
It's glaringly obvious that my editing skills are completely
amateur but I'm sure most of you will enjoy it nonetheless.
Love some feedback
too! More next week!
- Orsm
Presents: Dancing In Heaven -
[11.3megs - Not dial-up friendly
sorry guy's!] |
 |
Leroy was a 17 year old ninth grader. Leroy got
this homework assignment in his Ebonics class. All he had to do
was use each of the following words in a sentence. The following
is how he completed the assignment. Leroy got an "A".
OMELETTE:
I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.
BEFORE: Dere was five kids in my family, but then
den one died, so now dere before.
RECTUM: I had two Cadillac's but my old lady rectum.
HOTEL: I gave my woman da crabs and da hotel everybody.
ODYSSEY: I told my bro, you odyssey da tits on
that hoe.
STAIN: My mother-in-law axed me if I was stain
for dinner again.
SELDOM: My cousin gave me two tickets to da Warriors
game so I seldom.
PENIS: I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup
and said penis.
FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony this month I'll have
no money foreclose.
UNDERMINE: There's a fine looking hoe living in
da apartment undermine.
TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but
I couldn't find no Tripoli.
DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer told med if I
miss disappointment he gonna kill me.
INCOME: I just got to bed wit dis hoe and income
my wife.
HONOR: At da rape trial, da judge axed my bro,
who be honor first?
FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much? And she said fortify
ISRAEL: Alonzo tried to sell me a Rolex, I said
man dat look fake. He said, no Leroy, Israel.
 |
|
I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me
what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com
and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You
won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes
of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.
It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE!
So why wouldn't you click click
here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE
pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll
leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.
Gay George goes into the doctor's office and
has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "George,
I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." George
is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and
eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune
juice." George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better
understanding of what your asshole is for."
READER MAIL
I'm giving myself a break from posting any mail for the rest of
this month. Sorting through and compiling is one of the most time
consuming tasks of any update. If you've sent anything to me recently
rest assured that it will most likely end up in an update in coming
weeks. In the mean time if you have something you'd like to see
on the site or just wanna send me pics of a mate who humiliated
him or her self then you may do so here.
President George Bush is on a trip to several
European countries. While visiting England, he is invited to tea
with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She
says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He
asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions,"
says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." The Queen phones Tony
Blair, puts him on a speaker phone and says, "Mr. Prime Minister,
please answer this question for me. ‘Your mother has a child,
your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?'" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, madam."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir,"
says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr.
President?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely
be using that!" Upon returning home, he decides he'd better
put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Dick Cheney first
and says, "Hi, Dick, I wonder if you can answer a question
for me." "Why, of course, Mr President. What's on your
mind?" "Well, your mother has a child and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?" Cheney hums and haws and finally asks, "Can
I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Cheney
hangs up.
Cheney immediately calls members of his staff
and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody
can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Cheney calls
Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now
look here, Colin, your mother has a child, your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved Cheney rushes back to call Bush
and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's
Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's
Tony Blair!"
ORSM
VIDEO
To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that
I have certain needs that being with a 54-year old you can no longer
supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore,
after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the
fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back
home before midnight".
When the man came home, he found the following
letter on the dining room table...
My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank
you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you
as a good husband. I would like to take this opportunity to remind
you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like
to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta
with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18
years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge
of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than
54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until dinner time
tomorrow".
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello.
Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients.
I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected
or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is
the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room
302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help you?" "I'd
like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just
a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very
well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,
she's to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and,
if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her
home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's
wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm,
I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! ... I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! ... Nobody here tells
me anything!"
 |
|
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was
the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's
wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly
old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry
to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat
said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a
rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled
up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing
her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole
in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was
when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I
warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up
the middle." The old woman fainted.
|
 |
Okay that pretty much covers my end of things
for this the very first of at least 50 updates I'll do this year!
Yes, I know it was somewhat shorter than usual but if I can't
find the time to take a proper break from the site then light duties
will have to suffice plus I'm busy with trying to get my shit
together for the impending house move. In other words – deal
with it!
For my usual self promotion plug... if you'd
like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for
all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week
then swing by my wish
list and buy me shit!
Until next time, be good, stay off the
chem's and have a happy new year! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
|
|
|
|
