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| orsmupdate 2014.02.27-19.37 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. "Quick! Stick your finger on my belly button!"... said no one ever.
That's the first two months of the year done and fucking dusted. Summer is officially over after tomorrow, the days are getting shorter, fruit is less sweet and I'm getting more grey hairs. When will the madness end? When will the government stop lying and accept responsibility for these injustices?
It's been a busy 7 since we last spoke so let's forgo the painstakingly hard to digest, poorly thought out, right-winged social commentary by someone with a no-higher-than grade 11 education and skip straight to the bit where I talk about me and the generally unremarkable goings-on in my life. If that's something that doesn't interest you the scroll down a wee bit and enjoy the new update.
Beginning with Friday... after receiving a polite phone call from the great people [read: cunty fucks] down at the local council it was time to do a clean-up of the building site. There was months of rubbish all over the place and I managed to get absolutely craploads of it dragged out the front... and that was because the bobcat and truck who were supposed to roll up at 10am to cart it all away arrived 4 hours late... and because I had to be there when they were, I just kept working. Ultimately its stuff I won't have to do later and I'm loving the physical labour as opposed to sitting in front of the PC constantly however this stuff has well and truly taken over my life. Again, probably wouldn't have gone ahead with this whole house thing had I known what was in store.
I don't know if my weird sleeping lately has something to do with the restless, pregnant ogre lying next to me because Saturday, 4am, wide awake. Ended up being a good thing - played some PS3, caught up on some paperwork, tidied my office and then washed the car all before 9am. Next was a few hours zipping around to various plumbing/tile/appliance/cupboard places we've been to previously to get prices and info so we can finalise selections and give them to the builders. Not quite there yet, the end isn't in sight but large chunks are getting done.
A family lunch to spend some time with my sister's in-laws who've travelled here from somewhere colder followed. The whole thing was brief though because I had to buy and build a fence. There was an area of the building site which needed a barrier put up and looking into pricing of temporary fence hire gave a rude shock so the next best solution was to buy one. I jumped on Gumtree which is basically Australian Craigslist and found an old pool fence for $120. Couldn't have worked out better compared to the hundreds a month the temp option would have cost. Anyway we got home, hooked up the trailer and went off to by the new old fence which happened to be conveniently located less than 2 mins from home. Drove straight to the house, unloaded, hammered in some pickets and erected the panels. Almost too easy.
T'was homeward afterward for a shower before heading off to swap cars and then to a 3 year olds birthday party. Pretty good venue for one too - free concert in a park with a few thousand others. Good chance to catch up with friends I haven't seen in aaaages too. Next was in to China Town in the city. I've been advocating for less eating out to get in practice for when the little bundle of ruin-my-life arrives but there are just some arguments I'm never going to win...
Sunday began with an incredibly lazy 7am sleep in after which it was back in to the city to smash dim sum with a friend. The whole eat out less idea clearly not getting much traction. Next was groceries and back to base for a mini Breaking Bad marathon. Eventually realised that even though I love BB, sitting in front of the TV was a giant waste of a hot summer's day so we jumped in the car for a quick cruise and ended up at the beach to see the seal. The seal was what everyone had been talking about - he was a 2 tonne elephant seal that had set up camp on a metro beach after swimming all the way from his home in the Antarctic. Unfortunately he'd already taken off earlier in the day which no doubt disappointed more than a few people. Fortunately I'd already managed to get down on Thursday to take a look and confirm that he was indeed a seal. And fat.
The second and final part of wisdom teeth extraction took place Monday. I know that dentists are a business so it's in their best interest to sell services that make them money. It's how the world works right? The downside of that however is you may be coerced into buying services not actually required... and that was the case for the remaining 2 wisdoms because they obviously weren't ready to come out although that wasn't really apparent until it was past the point of no turning back. The pushing and pulling and wiggling became just about violent... and if it weren't for the distracting boobies rubbing on the back of my head I probably would have hit her back. The strangest part is I've had practically no pain except for an ulcer which popped up nearby. Have been able to eat and drink as normal... which come to think of it is most likely how I got the ulcer...
And that is about all I have to say. I know it wasn't interesting but allow me to make up for it as you get busy with what is an absolutely killer update. Check it...
True Legend - WANT! - That Ass! - Cops Goofin' - Stop Richard - Carrot Cunt - She's A Keeper - Oh Ramon - Flawless
Going Deep - LOL As If - Rita Upskirt - Suck This - Weird Nude - Breaking Vaj - Classic Fail - Beautiful - Drunk Cunts
Impatient - Didn't Hurt - Fail-olition - OMG! OMG! - Ffffuck!! - Unprofessional - Enchanting - Crackwhore - Please!!
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat". Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife". "Ex-wife!" she screams "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't!"
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Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says "Have you got a tight unshaven twat?" Woman replies "Yes, he's watching television - who shall I say is calling?"
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I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. Then I spent $100 on a blow job for myself and she goes bananas. Women... who can understand them!?
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A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband. The obit editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She paused, reflected, and then said "Well then, let it read "Angus Fraser died". Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thought it over and in a few seconds said "In that case, let it read... "Angus Fraser died. Golf clubs for sale".
ORSM VIDEO
EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT SEX
-We automatically perceive people who smell good as more attractive.
-The average speed of a guy's ejaculation is 45km/h.
-Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.
-Ginger stimulates the feelings of excitement associated with sex. Eating ginger elevates your heart rate, gets your blood flowing and gets you excited for the night ahead.
-The largest penis in the world currently measures 23cm flaccid and 34cm erect. The owner, who lives in New York, claims he was stopped by airport security on one occasion because the officials were suspicious of his bulge.
-According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavour of edible underwear whereas chocolate is the least popular.
-A study found that men feel more emotional pain after a breakup than women do.
-According to a recent poll, swimmers and footballers are the athletes most likely to get women all hot and bothered.
-Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
-Sperm can be considered an anti-aging treatment, as it has a tightening effect on the skin.
-Amp up his pleasure by stroking his inner thighs during oral. Because this area is close to his genitals, the extra flow of blood will heighten his sensations.
-The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old.
-Sleep deprived men are more likely to believe that women want to have sex with them. This is not a joke.
-Apparently, Australian women fake more than just their hair colour: 62 per cent have faked an orgasm!
-People in Australia have sex in the park more often than people in other countries.
-In Australia, 22 per cent of women have had sex with someone out of sympathy.
-During the 1920s, it was believed that jazz music caused one to permanently lose his sexual inhibitions. It was often banned in many cities. One private company went as far as to sell the elites "jazz proof" furniture.
-People who are into kinkier sex may be psychologically healthier.
-Thrusting flexes your pelvic-floor muscles, which triggers orgasmic spasms.
-A medical study conducted in Pennsylvania showed that people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.
-Endorphins released during sexual activity create a euphoria similar to opioid drug use.
-The typical female orgasm lasts 25 seconds.
-Viagra was released in 1998 with over $411 million in profits within its first three months.
-Some people experience the same feeling of arousal when thinking about food as when having sex.
-The top of the breast is most sensitive, the bottom of the breast is least sensitive.
-Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
-After ovulation, a female's egg is fertile for 24 to 48 hours and a man's sperm can live 48 hours in the female body. There have been documented cases of live sperm discovered eight days after sex.
-The clitoris has about 8000 nerve endings and it doesn't stop growing. By age 32, your clitoris is four times larger than it was at puberty.
-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-It takes sperm about 48 hours to move up the vaginal canal, through the cervix, and into the fallopian tube where fertilisation begins.
-Research shows that men who have sex within a relationship report greater pleasure than guys who have no-strings-attached sex. -The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
-Twelve percent of adults have had sex at work.
-Just 43 per cent of Australians want sex three to six times a week. Sex three to five times a week can prevent erectile dysfunction, as it keeps his package in shape.
-The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.
-You can't say happiness without saying penis.
-The National Bureau of Economic Research in the US found that having sex often can make you feel as happy as earning an extra $100,000 a year does.
-A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.
-Around 30 percent of women have trouble reaching orgasm.
-Apply a minty lip balm before kissing – it will send tingles to his package.
-Humans have the largest penis of all primates.
-A study found that good sex triggers the region of the brain associated with falling in love.
-Women can have wet dreams too. It happens in the REM cycle (about 90 minutes into your sleep), when blood flow to the vagina increases.
-Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
-According to a study, people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.
-You are more likely to orgasm if your feet are warm.
-In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present research (and quite a bit of field testing) shows no connection.
-The average shelf life of a latex condom is about two years. It's a good idea to keep your own condoms since you don't know how long your partner's been holding on to theirs. Condoms kept in wallets for over a month are more likely to break.
-A quick way to get in the mood: hug your guy for 30 seconds. Cuddling boosts oxytocin (aka the bonding hormone) and libido.
-Having sex can reduce a fever because of the sweat produced.
-Think twice before swallowing if you're on a diet. There are five calories in a teaspoon of semen.
-His relationship happiness is related to how often he is touched by his girl. So grab away.
-A lot of sex can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
-A man can reduce his chances of getting prostate cancer by having at least four orgasms a week. Girls take care of your man!
-When a guy touches you, your body temp rises three times more than when a woman touches you.
-Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
-There are some foods that boost your sex drive, one of them being black raspberries. This phytochemical-rich food enhances both libido and endurance. Oysters are high in zinc, which is vital for testosterone production and healthy sperm. Watermelon contains citrulline amino acid, good for the cardiovascular system and helps relax the blood vessels that increase your sex drive.
-Women with a more prominent upper-lip tubercle (the puffy spot) have greater odds of having an orgasm.
-A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
-The average vagina is three to four inches long but can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused.
-Men can have multiple orgasms, too. Simply pleasure his goods after he's climaxed.
-Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
THE GREAT OUTDOORS |
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An 82-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her:
"What did you steal?" She replied: "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied: "6". The judge said: "Then I will give you 6 days in jail".
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said "Yes, what is it?" The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas".
ORSM VIDEO
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!" "No matter" said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied "... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!"
WAIT! WAIT! There's more...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty".
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but... "HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER".
THE DOUBLE BLOW-JIBBER |
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ORSM VIDEO
I OWE MY PARENTS EVERYTHING...
My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE...
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning".
My Parents taught me RELIGION...
"You better pray that stain comes out of the carpet".
My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL...
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Parents taught me LOGIC...
"Because I said so, that's why".
My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".
My Parents taught me FORESIGHT...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident".
My Parents taught me IRONY...
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about".
My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper".
My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM...
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Parents taught me about STAMINA...
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone".
My Parents taught me about WEATHER...
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it".
My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY...
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE...
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out".
My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION...
"Stop acting like your father!"
My Parents taught me about ENVY...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do".
My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home".
My Parents taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way".
My Parents taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My Parents taught me HUMOUR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".
My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".
My Parents taught me GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".
My Parents taught me about my ROOTS...
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Parents taught me WISDOM...
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand".
My Parents taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? It'll be back next week, maybe the week after, so just click here and do eeeet!!
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer says. "This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating". "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs".
"That's great!" says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock" he replied. The woman smiled and said "What a coincidence!"
NEWSPAPER DICKS |
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy jumper and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if okay. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.
He then asks her why she has a jumper over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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MATHEMATICS
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years' experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And:
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
THOSE ARE SOME NICE TITS |
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A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together".
"Absolutely not" says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately". "So after the Ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No" Answered the Mullah "It's forbidden in Islam".
"Well, okay" says the man "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of Course!" replies the Mullah "sex is okay within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem" says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure" says The Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy Style?" "Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?" "No" says The Mullah". "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright clowns thats me done for the week. It would be hard to convince anyone just how many hours went into making this update a reality because YOU NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY. URGH!
-Check out the site archives. Plllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeeee!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Know this.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will huff and he'll puff and he'll eventually get his fat ass off the couch to give you a stern talking to.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get off my lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.02.20-19.44 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Fear Boner.
It's Thursday and that can only mean... I'd rather be literally anywhere else... not until I dish up a delicious new update to you guys that is though. Aside from many, many other things including smart stuff, dumb stuff, practical stuff, heavy stuff, complicated stuff and general random stuff it's the only thing I'm good at.
The fucktard of the week awards goes to a woman who did, for a little while, have a tent setup outside state parliament to protest being evicted from her taxpayer funded house. This defenceless indigenous woman and her 6 kids had, through almost no fault of their own, been forced onto the streets by a tyrannical government agency and this was her last resort in bringing attention to the cruel and unjust treatment. Do you know what - if those fuckers down at the gubament did that to me I would probably protest it too. I have a right to state supplied housing after all...
As the story of this downtrodden and victimised family developed so did the real story. The Department of Housing talked to the media about what really happened and fuck me if it wasn't one of the most disgusting and squalid 'living' environments imaginable. Turns out that state supplied housing comes with 3 basic rules for tenants to abide by - DON'T piss off the neighbours, DO look after the house and DO pay your rent. Turns out they failed on all 3 - cops had been called out 47 times due to complaints from 19 neighbours, cost to repair and clean up the house is over $52k and they were $27k behind on rent. Not forgetting either that this was their tenth eviction and that they'd failed to comply with repeated warnings. And this idiot still thinks she still deserves a house.
Ironically her response to the public outcry was to label all the haters as egotistical and racist, that we don't understand what she's been through in her life. The fuck? If pumping out fuck trophies to ensure that the free housing and welfare never run out is hard then I desperately need to reassess things because clearly I have no idea how the world works. Speaking of the world, people like her, people with that entitled mentality, people who prove so convincingly that they have so little regard for anyone except themselves, are what's wrong with the world.
Moving on. The biggest badge I have lately that no one cares about is the fact I've been pumping out 7 day and 4 or 5 night work weeks for the last however long. That cobbled with house building stress and a plethora of other first world problems had me in dire need of escaping reality in any way possible so you can imagine how over-fucking-joyed I was to finish last week's update, get a house meeting out of the way and on the road by 9pm to head an hour south for the weekend. We'd very politely and perhaps a little desperately asked for the keys to a relative's crappy old shack and they were happy to oblige.
Friday was as close to awesome as it gets... except the sleeping thing. God knows why but I barely sleep down there. Not sure if it was the different bed or full moon and it doesn't actually matter because either way I was wide awake at 2am. Gave me the opportunity to explore night-time TV so that was good... I guess. GF dragged herself out of bed around 9 and it was decided to go and buy some motherfucking eggs and make breakfast. The supermarket is 5 mins from the shack, we got back 2 hours later with the weeks groceries and no eggs. Hung out for a few hours until it was time to head a bit north to the seaside town of Rockingham for a couples massage. And that was how we marked Valentine's Day... in Rockingham. All anyone in Perth says about Rocko is: Stay the fuck out of Rocko. Surprisingly not that bad but more than anything I enjoyed the fact I didn't have to do a single thing for Val's Day and made it out of there without being stabbed/glassed/robbed.
Again woke up shit-the-bed-early Saturday morning which gave me opportunity to realise the gains of a recent contra deal. Remember a while back I was crapping on about having bought a PS3 and the saleschick talked me into spending more than double what I'd intended, buyer's remorse kicked in so I returned it? Nope? Well that's what happened. Anyway I was recounting this to my sis and bro-in-law who mentioned they had one which they only use for Blu-ray movies and if I got them a replacement then the PS3 was mine. Cost me $50... $400 cheaper than option 1 and I sat happily playing it until midday when I walked 2 minutes to the local cinema and watched the new RoboCop film all by myself. Awesome because no one to 'share' my M&M's and drink. As for the movie... the original Robo is one of my all-time favourites so I went into the cinema expecting to hate it yet hoping I wouldn't. Thankfully however it didn't suck. Matter of fact I fucking loved it. the comedy is gone butt the tech explanations and geeky sci-fi stuff are way cooler. Already looking forward to a sequel. If you haven't seen it, go see it.
Sunday was fairly relaxed. Explored a diabolically bad antique collectors fair which was 90% expat Poms selling worthless shit at over inflated prices, then another fair selling handmade rubbish [soaps, confectionary, etc] at over inflated prices and then pumped out a late breakfast with a nearby [not my] parent. Headed back to the mansion to pack our shit up and head homeward more relaxed than when the weekend started. All up I would say that free holiday accommodation is one of the best things anyone can have access to.
Monday was bad and good. My dentist has been warning me for a couple of years that my wisdom teeth had to come out and like any wussy adult male, I'd been putting it off. That was until a few weeks back when I made a next day appointment because my 'face was sore'. They squeezed me in with a different dentist because my usual guy was busy. Now its important to note that this new dentist is a girl and she's the one who would be doing the extraction. So I roll in there, we go through all the rigmarole, the numbing, the anesthetising and finally the 'pulling' implement comes out. And its pretty rough. They are literally ripping a tooth from bone. And you can hear a crunching/breaking sound very clearly. Somewhere in there, perhaps innocently, perhaps as a method of distraction, both her and the assistant jam their boobies into, on and around my face and head. It was hand in hand pain and pleasure. Remember in Face Off when they put the headphones playing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' on the little kid during the gunfight? Almost exactly the same thing. Needless to say I absolutely cannot wait until the last 2 wisdoms come out next week...
Alright that will do with the babble. Went way longer than it had to and if you've read this far then I would rightly assume you have very little in your life. But that's okay. It only gets better from here [the update, not your life]. Check it...
Just Mean - No Privacy - Revelation LOL - Truth Revealed - Key Shuffle - Liberated - Sex POV - NASCAR Nip - Nympho
Filipina Teen - Anger Issues - Poor Guy - Fapworthy - See-thru - Bad Fuck - Picnic BJ - Sniped - Cheeky Jab - Facials
Slutty? - Giving Back - Shocking - Punishment - Smoking - Some People - Epic Miley - Good Girl! - Pool Toy - Wet Jen
I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said Give me your number, sexy!! I replied Have you got a pen? She smiled and said Yes. I replied Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing.
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A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately? I'm in love the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked With whom? With YOU! he said. But Johnny she said gently don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child. Oh, don't worry the boy said reassuringly I'll use a rubber!
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Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5 inch diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and but cannot park a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight?
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When my sugar daddy dies confided Justine to Janie I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles. You mean testament chuckled Janie. No, testicles... said Justine I've got him by the balls.
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says A premature ejaculation What? says the woman. The man says I've just come in my pants.
ORSM VIDEO
ANNOYING MOVIE CLICHÉS
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
-Incompetent police officers are inevitably corrupt.
-All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
-At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
-All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
-Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
-You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
-If in a haunted house, any strange noises should be investigated by women in their most revealing underwear.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily no matter which wire you cut it will always be the right one.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-Babysitters are doomed.
-All the 'teenagers' in a school are in reality well past their teenage years.
-Everyone splits up to hunt for the ghost/monster/serial killer.
-There's nothing better than running through the woods in the dark, waving torches and shouting Dave, where are you? all the time followed by the serial killer.
-Whenever you go into a bar in a film, the bartender is always polishing glasses. Doesn't matter if it's a posh bar or a dodgy one, that's all he does all the time, polishing glasses.
-When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
-Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
-The Protagonist can always find inspiration/motivation for the big challenge from dead best friends or dead family members.
-Single parents usually lose their spouse to cancer (and they're still not over it).
-James Bond never gets an STD.
-James Bond also never seems badly affected by the amount of alcohol he drinks - sexual, gambling and driving prowesses remain intact.
-Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.
-Good guys never get shot in the face and no matter how grievously injured, always live long enough to say a few words.
-All gratings covering the entry to a ventilation system will come off with only a tug (no screws), and the shaft is always horizontal and big enough for adults to crawl through.
-Any group of pathetically inept losers with a boozy but lovable old coach will eventually win the championship.
-No one ever forgets a telephone number, even if it was only communicated in the middle of a gunfight or car chase.
-At least one scientist is from an oriental background.
-People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse.
-Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specialising in one-liners.
-Bombs are always defused within the last three seconds, never at twelve or twenty seven. NOTE: This doesn't apply in James Bond, in Gold Finger. He stops it at 007 seconds to go.
-Detectives hunches are always correct.
-Any fight at a wedding reception will always result in someone crashing into the wedding cake.
-There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.
-When the hero is running and the bad guys are shooting at him with a machine gun, the bullets will consistently hit the ground just behind his feet. This is because it's impossible to swivel a machine gun as quickly as the hero is running.
-In car chases the hero car just avoids the woman pushing the pram across the road. Then it crashes through lots of market stalls (usually fruit and vegetable stalls), destroying the livelihoods of perfectly innocent hard-working people but never actually killing any of them.
-A photo and newspaper clippings wall, containing all the villain's crimes and killings, is always stumbled across by the hero, typically under a bare light bulb in the killer's basement.
-When the lead detective has a meeting with his team, it is always productive and completed in seconds or minutes. Every one contributes vital pieces of information and the conversation flows flawlessly with everyone possessing super intelligence and quick thinking abilities.
-Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.
-When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.
-Whenever anyone receives a phone call in the middle of the night, it's always 2, 3 or 4am. Exactly.
-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
-Getaway cars never start first time. But all cop cars do and they will also slide to a dramatic stop in the middle of a crime scene. Unfortunately they crash more than any others cars too.
-On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.
-Cars never need fuel (unless they are involved in a pursuit).
-Inspiring speeches almost always end in that character being immediately and horrifically killed.
ITS OKAY HONEY... WE CAN TRY IT... |
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ANNOYING MOVIE CLICHÉS [CONTINUED]
-Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
-Cars always have a set of spare keys in the glovebox.
-Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. None of their clients -rich or poor- beat them, or abuse them etc. They aren't heroin addicts nor have STDs. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who do not mind at all what the girl does for a living.
-A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
-One man shooting at 20 men with a handgun has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once with machine guns.
-When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
-Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
-Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
-During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
-In all martial art movies the hero can beat up 30 ninjas and martial art masters in 5 minutes. But if he smart mouths to his 100 year old grandma, she has the speed to slap him.
-If there is a pool, someone will end up falling into it.
-If you get hit in the leg or arm with a bullet, even a small calibre one, you just swear briefly, then carry on fighting for ages and walking around without any pain at all, nor do you seem to lose blood. When 12 hours later you go to the doctor, he takes the bullet out instantly, you don't need the limb amputated or even bandaged.
- Any couple that fights in the beginning is bound to end up together.
-The protagonist has a minimalist apartment in a skyscraper with full window walls. He wakes up and stands nude, contemplating the city vista.
- The crazy old aunt/bum is actually very intelligent and provides key insight at the last minute.
-If you ever need to hide a child while you go off to battle your enemies, there's always a long lost relative who lives somewhere remote that will be more than happy to receive them in the middle of the night.
-Subway/Elevator doors close just as the character reaches them in a mad dash.
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-No one ever has to take a shit. Ever.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins and radio programmes usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
-People having conversation in a cafe never seem to finish their food and just take off after their conversation is over.
-Everybody carries around flip phones which can be broken like a pencil and thrown away.
-There is no limit to which a street camera can be zoomed and apparently they are present everywhere.
-The protagonist can jump over rooftops with ease and can save himself from falling even if he gets the tip of his finger over the wall.
-Women turn into martial arts experts whenever they are dressed in tight suits.
-It doesn't matter what kind of job you have in NYC, you can afford a spacious brownstone house in a good neighbourhood.
-If you are an evil mastermind, then all bad news is the mistake of the messenger and it makes perfect sense to shoot/kill/maim/hurt them.
-Any car that is wrecked will catch fire and burn. People who have suffered head and neck injuries in car accidents are needlessly harmed by well-intentioned would-be rescuers who believe this.
-Mobile phones only work until you really need them then you will either be unable to get a signal or the battery will be flat.
-A defibrillator can revive dead people. In fact, you would use heart massage on a dead person.
-People can be knocked out for hours with one punch and with no long term health issues, when in reality if you are knocked unconscious for longer than a few seconds you will probably experience fairly serious brain damage.
-In any dangerous situation the good guy will leave the pretty girl in a safe place, where the bad guy will kidnap or kill her.
-In any situation involving a group of people the natural leader will get everything so screwed up that only the most worthless member can save the day.
-The bad guy will always be shot/stabbed from the back just as he goes to pull the trigger or bring down a knife on the good guy.
-Your six-shot revolver can fire 17 times without reloading.
-A professor is always interrupted in the middle of a lecture by the bell or when something important is about to be told. The same goes in any detective film. Just as someone is about to tell the detective who the murderer is, after they keep stalling, as the open their mouth to say who it is, someone shoots them.
-No-one ever says 'bye' at the end of a phone call; one person will just terminate the call without the other thinking this rude.
-People can hold their breath underwater for ages, especially in panicky situations.
-The sound from an explosion in space can propagate through the vacuum and be heard and felt, sometimes violently, by an observer in a distant spacecraft. The travel time of the sound is also instantaneous regardless of how many millions of kilometres away the observer is located.
ORSM VIDEO
A man with a 50-inch-long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my member is too long he says. Doctor he asked, in total frustration is there any way you can shorten it? The doctor replied Medically, son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you. So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it? The witch asked him to Pull it out and let me look at it.
The man uncoils his 50 inch monster. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your member will be ten inches shorter.
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog Will you marry me? The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied NO.
The man looked down and suddenly his unit was 10 inches shorter. WOW he screamed out loud This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. Frog, will you marry me? the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back NO! The man felt another twitch in his privates, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter.
This is fantastic! the man exclaimed. He looked down at it again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out Frog will you marry me? The frog looked back across pond shaking its head NO! ... NO! ... and for the last time... NO!
SOMETIMES ONE BOOB IS ALL IT TAKES... |
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ORSM VIDEO
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked WW WA PP and ATR.
Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, the guy allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try to the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button, marked WW, and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom.
He thought Golly, the gals really got it made.....
Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked WA, and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The button marked PP caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder.
Well naturally he could not resist the last button marked ATR...
When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane.
The nurse replied Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last button. ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow, Sir.
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the para-troopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
So, did you jump? the father asked. Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!
Is that when you jumped? asked the father. Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.
Did you jump then? asked the father. I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.
So, did you jump? Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?
I said No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass!
So, did you jump? asked the father. Well... a little... at first.
WOMAN, GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN! |
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A mid-level blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant centre in the hope of raising his IQ by 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the centre's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
That's great! the executive said. But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive. Yes, sir, it can the director replied. An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of Collingwood supporter's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.
Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of Collingwood supporter's brain? Why on earth is that? Do you have any idea the director asked how many Collingwood supporters it would take to get an ounce?
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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? The Lawyer thought a moment, then said A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven. The Lawyer said Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter. Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.
ASHLEY FIRES UP |
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A man went into the pet shop I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder he said.
I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled.
I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay said the customer. I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible. I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine said the pet shop owner. I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it. Sorry said the customer I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off.
ORSM
VIDEO
Well we all knew it would happen and here it is. The end of the update. Read on for where you can find more... or don't read on... just know that there is A LOT more Orsm to be had.
-Check out the site archives. Updates waaaay better than the one you've just ingested going back to the year 2000.
-Next update will be next Thursday because my OCD says so.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will notice but not compliment your new hair do.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be excellent to each other. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.02.13-18.102 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. #hashtag
If you don't live in Australia you've probably never heard of her but long story short - an Aussie girl called Schapelle Corby got busted 10 or so years ago entering Bali with a few kilograms of marijuana. After a, by our standards, farcical trial she was sentenced to 20 years jail [which everyone agreed was incredibly harsh] and has been at the centre of scrutiny and ongoing controversy ever since for a number of reasons, the main of which that she refused to admit the drugs were hers. Perhaps a little bit stupid on account of the Indo's would have viewed this favourably and let her out long ago if she did. This week however, they finally granted parole and the media circus has been something to behold - the hundreds of journalists falling over one another to get comments and pictures was more fun to watch than anything Schapelle could possibly have said, as was the $2M payday she's going to pull for sitting down to tell her story.
As much as everyone says that they don't care - it's a crock of shit. We're all happy to point to the fuckwit media and how its their fault the story is such a big deal but the reality is we're all hitting that shit harder than Schapelle's bong. Sick of hearing about it and wish they'd stop reporting her? What would happen if they actually did? No one could handle it.
Moving on to less controversial yet infinitely more interesting pastures... let's waffle on about ME. Why? Because the last few weeks have had me working 7 days a week. The shit never ends. Like never ever. Well it will tomorrow but that can get covered next update. In the meantime though let us cast our minds back to last Friday...
It was a beautiful summer's day. Warm but not hot. Endless possibility to achieve anything I desired lay before me... which was a shame because it was the first of 3 days spent working my balls off. That day's activities basically entailed general labouring - a clean out of both houses was required ahead of whatever trade was starting so quite a lot of sweeping, sledgehammering discarded concrete and dragging waste out to the rubbish pile. Hard labour although my body is getting used to it with less aches and pains so I'm more than happy to partake. Finished and made it home mid-afternoon, quick shower and out the door to try and progress with the kitchen. I've learned recently that kitchen design does not begin with where you want the cupboards to go. First you have to think about floor coverings - is it tile, timber or carpet? Then wall colours, cupboard door colours, bench/counter top options. Then find ones you like. Don't forget to think about a splashback. Then figure out if the colours we like work with each other. And THEN you can design the kitchen. Getting to that point has been a fucking debacle. By the way - I'm a fully qualified cabinetmaker which means I used to build kitchens and furniture for a living but until now had no appreciation of what went on before my boss would hand me a drawing and tell me to go build it. So that's what we did Friday arvo... drove around looking at kitchen displays and tiles and tops and god knows what else.
Back to the house Saturday... after the obligatory hardware store stock up that is. On the agenda was data cabling my brother's house; a job that would be significantly easier with an offsider... like really, really significantly easier. Instead an insane amount of time is wasted a few of seconds at a time climbing up and down the ladder, moving the ladder and whatever. Stuff that wouldn't be necessary if there was someone to pass tools or pull cables on the other side of a wall. But alas... there's not really anyone to ask - brother is working away, have barred pregnant GF from the site and everyone else is either too busy or too useless to bother asking. Finally made it home by 3ish, shower, jumped on the PC to work for a couple then headed out for another fucking kitchen meeting. I'd worked my guts out the last 2 days, scraped, scratched and bruised the fuck out of myself but none of it even come close to being as hard work as that meeting was. No straight answers, hostile environment. All too hard. Don't ask me how but miraculously there was some slight resolution by the end of it and thank Christ almighty that the kitchen design was taking shape.
If you guessed that Sunday began bright and early back at the house... then you'd be right and it was more of the same. A continuation of data cabling with some added speaker cabling for fun. I made it through until about 1ish when interruptions from chatty neighbours began to make it not worth being there. Headed for home, unloaded tools from the car, showered... and then back on the road for [I can barely even bring myself to say it]... another kitchen meeting. This one less stressful and with a family member whose been through this shit recently and had some good advice to share. As of that we're incredibly close to being done with it which is good because I'm teetering on losing interest and going the Ikea route.
That night... well it was awesome. The GF was off on a girls night which meant the night was mine. Could not have imagined a better pay off than watching what I wanted [The Wire], eating what I wanted [pasta with insane chili], and knocking back a few beers [in a judgement free zone]. That was about as perfect as a Sunday night can get and brought back memories of the good old days... you know... the ones where you're single and can do what the fuck you want without considering anyone else needs?
And on that high note I'ma segue into the brand new update which will undoubtedly bring you pleasure like you've never before experience... well not since my last update anyway. Check it...
Cunty Celebs - F-ing Stoopid - Ultra Coolness - Fascinating - Robo Redux - Outstanding! - Teen Mom - Wet Boobies
Blow Daddy - Butt Hurtz - Nude Miley - Punished - Cum Attack - Babe Dare - Wait For It - Porn Parody - Rough Fuck
Sleep Facial - Crazy Horny - Anal Fail - Its Settled - Street Flash - I Want Her - Stomped - Lost Control - Desecrated
A little girl is in her parent's room and her father is standing there naked. The little girl points to her father's penis and says "Daddy when will I have one of those between my legs?" The father replies "As soon as your mum leaves"...
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks" What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies "It's Frank, the dwarf".
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A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realised the truth "I think we're in a gay bar". A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said "Thanks, what did you tell him?" The rabbi replied "I just told him we're on our honeymoon".
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Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson asking "And you, Tanya?" "I wanna be Johnny's bitch".
ORSM VIDEO
JAPAN - SOME INTERESTING FACTS
-Raw horse meat is a popular food in Japan.
-Any Japanese citizen who has a dog must carry special bags to pick up dog droppings. Hygiene and their eagerness to address cleanliness is part of Japanese ethics.
-Even though one of the richest people in the world, the Japanese do not have servants. The parents are responsible for the house and children.
-Commuter trains are often so crowded railway staff are employed to cram passengers inside.
-More than 70% of Japan consists of mountains, including more than 200 volcanoes.
-Mt. Fuji, the tallest mountain in Japan. It is an active volcano.
-Religion does not play a big role in the lives of most Japanese and many do not understand the difference between Shintoism and Buddhism.
-In just ten years Hiroshima returned to what it was economically vibrant before the fall of the atomic bomb.
-Japanese children clean their schools every day for a quarter of an hour with teachers. This led to the emergence of a Japanese generation who is modest and keen on cleanliness.
-A nice musk melon, similar to a cantaloupe/rockmelon, may sell for over US$300.
-There are four different writing systems in Japan: Romaji, Katakana, Hiragana, and Kanji.
-Coffee is very popular and Japan imports approximately 85% of Jamaica's annual coffee production.
-If you go to a buffet restaurant in Japan you will notice people only eat as much as they need without any waste because food must not be wasted.
-Japan's literacy rate is almost 100%.
-Sumo is Japan's national sport closely followed by baseball.
-Sumo wrestlers eat a stew called Chankonabe to fatten up. Many restaurants in the Ryogoku district of Tokyo serve this 'nabe'.
-Most toilets in Japan have a built-in bidet system for sphincter spraying. These are known as washlets and are now the norm in homes and nicer restrooms. However, in some train stations and other public restrooms you may still find the traditional Japanese "floor toilet".
-A hygiene worker in Japan is called "health engineer" and can command salary of USD 5000 to 8000 per month, and a cleaner is subjected to written and oral tests.
-When you use the restroom in someone's home you may need to put on designated bathroom slippers so as not to contaminate the rest of the home.
-Noodles, especially soba (buckwheat), are slurped somewhat loudly when eaten. It has been said slurping indicates the food is delicious. The slurping also serves to cool down the hot noodles for eating.
-Due to gases produced by power plants, Japan sometimes suffers from acid rain.
-Japan is the world's largest consumer of Amazon rain forest timber.
-Vending machines in Japan sell beer, canned coffee, cigarettes, fresh eggs, uncooked rice, even used panties.
-Children in schools brush their teeth (sterile) and clean their teeth after a meal at school, teaching them to maintain their health from an early age.
-When moving into an apartment it is often required to 'gift' the landlord some cash, usually equal to two months' rent.
-Some of the most well-known companies in the world are Japanese such as Toyota, Honda, Sony, Nintendo, Canon, Panasonic, Toshiba, and Sharp.
-For first to sixth primary year Japanese students must learn ethics in dealing with people.
-On average there are around 1,500 earthquakes every year in Japan.
-Average life expectancy in Japan is one of the highest in the world. Japanese people live an average of 4 years longer than Americans.
-Japanese students take half an hour to finish their meals to ensure proper digestion because these students are the future of Japan.
-Japan is the largest automobile producer in the world.
-The Japanese language has thousands of foreign loan words, known as gairaigo. These words are often truncated, e.g. personal computer = paso kon. The number of foreign loan words is steadily increasing.
-Tsukiji market in Tokyo is the world's largest fish market.
-There is no examination from the first to the third primary level because the goal of education is to instil concepts and character building.
-Although whaling is banned by the IWC, Japan still hunts whales under the premise of research. Contrary to popular belief, whale meat is not a delicacy. Many Japanese dislike the taste and older Japanese may be reminded of the post-World War II period when whale meat was one of the few economical sources of protein.
The harvested whale meat ends up in restaurants and supermarkets.
-Japan is made up of 6,852 islands.
-The term karaoke means "empty orchestra" in Japanese.
-In a Sumo training "stable" the junior rikishi Sumo wrestlers must wash and bathe their senior sumo wrestlers and make sure their hard to reach places are clean.
-The rate of delayed trains in Japan is about 7 seconds per year!!
-Japan does not have any natural resources, and they are exposed to hundreds of earthquakes a year, but this has not prevented its becoming the second largest economy in the world.
-Rampant inbreeding of dogs has resulted in one of the highest rate of genetic defects in the world for canines.
-Raised floors help indicate when to take off shoes or slippers. At the entrance to a home in Japan, the floor will usually be raised about 6 inches indicating you should take off your shoes and put on slippers. If the house has a tatami mat room its floor may be raised 1-2 inches indicating you should to take off your slippers.
-Ramen noodles are a popular food in Japan and it is widely believed extensive training is required to make a delicious soup broth.
-On average, it takes about 7-10 years of intensive training to become a fugu (blowfish) chef. This training may not be needed in the future as some fish farms in Japan are producing non-poisonous fugu.
-Ovens are not nearly as commonplace as rice cookers in Japanese households.
-Geisha means "person of the arts" and the first geisha were actually men.
-It was customary in ancient Japan for women to blacken their teeth with dye as white teeth were considered ugly. This practice persisted until the late 1800's.
-Some Japanese companies conduct a morning exercise session for the workers to prepare them for the day's work.
-In Japan non-smoking areas are difficult to find in restaurants, including family restaurants. Many of Japan's politicians have interest in the tobacco industry and anti-smoking laws are almost non-existent. If you are planning a trip to Japan you may want to think twice if you are sensitive to tobacco smoke.
-Japan prevents the use of mobile phones in trains, restaurants and indoors.
-The Japanese name for Japan is "Nihon" or "Nippon" which means "sun origin".
-Many companies hire people to hand out small packages of tissues which include a small advertisement flyer. Some non-Japanese are surprised when they are handed a free package of tissues.
LOVVVVVVE ME SOME VAGINA |
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A drunk Aussie was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
"You have three wishes, choose them wisely" says the Genie.
The Aussie, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer and says "I want a beer that will never run out".
A bottle appears in front of him. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Aussie being very content starts walking away.
"Where are you going" asks the Genie "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well" replies the Aussie "Give me TWO more of these!"
ORSM VIDEO
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied "Mum I have someone for you to meet".
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning".
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked "What's with the black condom?" He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences!"
UNDERBOOB |
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ORSM VIDEO
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff".
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff".
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut shouted "I know, I know. Feed the fucking monkeys and don't touch anything!"
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg" he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?" "For about 60 years".
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man".
"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall".
AND NOW FOR SOME WELL-TIMED WIND... |
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A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello" said the little boy "Hi" replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home" answered the little girl. "I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill" replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my mum's going to skin me alive!" said the little girl. "My mum'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet" replied the little boy.
"I'll tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across". "That's a good idea" replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: "You know, I never realised before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!!"
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Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Johnny. He began stomping on them in his anger.
His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny wandered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said "That's it! No butter for you for one month!"
Early that same evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
About a month later, the tired and frustrated father, upon coming home from work, kicks the cat... And then little Johnny immediately offers "Are you going to tell him, mummy, or shall I?"
ALEXIS TEXAS TAKES CARE OF BIZ LIKE A DIRTY GIRL SHOULD... |
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A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?"
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer".
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"
The Scotsman got the job.
ORSM
VIDEO
Know this...
-Check out the site archives. If nothing else, because its the right thing to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If there's no update it means I'm dead.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will have you locked in his rape dungeon... where you'll be expected to rape him mercilessly. [I don't understand it either].
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and vote with your hands. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.02.06-19.38 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I don't really respect tap dancers.
The most valuable thing I've learned in a long time, I learned this week and that was this: switching my phone has solved 90% of my problems. No one has been able to bug me nor goad me and stress levels are edging down. As a matter of fact its been such a success that I'm thinking about making myself regularly uncontactable. Might even get a second mobile phone that only a select few can get ahold of me. The fact that everyone will be directed straight to voicemail should also provide plausible deniability too: "I don't know what's been up with my phone lately. Have been meaning to take it into the Apple store".
Moving on. Its been impossible to escape the shark cull debate here. If you somehow missed it, or perhaps give zero fucks about what happens in Buttfuck, Western Australia, the state government announced that a cull would take place after a disturbingly high number of shark related deaths in recent years. It was starting to feel like a surfer or swimmer was being 'taken' every couple of days... or maybe it was just fear mongering by the media. Anyone tuning in to the news each night would see a report about yet another shark sighting. Clearly aerial shots of a shark basking just off our metro beaches is good for ratings. Matter of fact, living in the flight path of those news helicopters, one might even be able to tell when there was a sighting without getting anywhere near a news broadcast. Hey idiots - its an ocean, there's sharks, its not news. But I digress.
What it all comes down to is the gov trying to protect the people and its safe to say there are many who aren't in support. Maybe as many as are. Protesters have some good arguments too: it's the shark's natural environment, they're endangered and its cruel. This is where I become torn on the whole thing. Until seeing pics of fishermen pulling up that first shark from baited drumlines, shooting it and towing the carcass out to sea, I didn't particular care but it was undeniably gruesome and undignified... which no doubt mirrors how anyone being killed by a shark felt. Regardless, it might be better to work out why the attacks have increased. Have sharks come closer to shore because there's less food out deep, or have lower commercial and recreational catch limits made for larger food sources and therefore increased shark population? Maybe letting fishermen run wild for a few years will force sharks to fuck off somewhere else.
Alright let's talk about something else. Anyone have any suggestions? How about... what's that? You want to know what I've been up to? Hmmm I guess I could do that. Okay sure why not...
Beginning with Saturday... which was an annoyingly early start to help the GF's sister move house. Let me be the kabillionth person to say no one likes moving house... even more hate helping other people move house but the clever bitch helped us last year so kind of had no choice. So we get on the road to drive south to pick up a couch I'd loaned out forever ago. From there we stopped to collect boxes at some random's house and then head off to GF's sisters new place. Gotta hand it to her - she'd somehow coerced a bunch of workmates into pitching in so everything was unloaded quickly which meant we could get back on the road to collect another one of my old couches. Got back, unloaded and set about assembling the cheapest pile of shit bed anyone has ever paid money for. Even as a fully qualified cabinetmaker I found the instructions baffling... and as a qualified cabinetmaker found it deeply emasculating when one of the girls deciphered them before me. I was glad to be done by midday and we headed straight for the house build to meet up with the guy designing our kitchen. Thankfully he was running late which gave me ample time to complete the most intellectually stimulating thing I've wrapped my mind grapes around for ages - a very, very tangled bunch of string. Ahh the little things... there's nothing bigger. The kitchen design has been a major point of contention between us and the builder. We decided to call in a third party and it was a major fucking relief when we saw his drawings - they were great so now we just need to select colours and life can go on.
Sunday, predictably, began very early. Loaded the car with my tools, drove to the house, unloaded and got setup. During that 10 minutes I managed to lose the rubber grommet thing off my headphones which made them too uncomfortable to wear which meant I was left alone mostly with my own thoughts. Desperately need to get a portable stereo of some kind.
The next 9 hours were incredibly productive. Back to data cabling again which involved quite a lot of smashing holes in walls, chasing walls, chiselling walls, fitting wall boxes, running cables through wall cavities, drilling, hammering and hundreds of trips up and down the ladder along with one obligatory hardware store run. Hate to admit it but I'm beginning to see why technicians and tradesmen can get away charging so much to do this stuff. Its time consuming and fiddly and for all the time and energy that's gone into it, it had better be worth it because I would just about kill for a day off right now... which is a shame because I'm back there this weekend doing it all over again in my brother's house.
And with that I am done and you are up to date... except for the rest of the update which is a stunning example of fine pornography and entertainment. While I still have you... Reader Mail... been trying as hard as possible to get it up and running again. The emails keep flowing in which is pretty much the most important part but time has been a killer and there's a fuckload to get through. Long story short - yes it will be back ASAP. On that note lets do this... check it...
Tasteless - Not Friends - Psycho - Nailed It! - Double Team - Lost Dildo - Camel Toe - Godess Tier - Idiocracy
Sleep Sex - Kelly FTW - No Seatbelt - Bubble Butt - Sex Tools - Fuck That - Bizarro World - Irate Cunt - Life Is Unfair
Rough Anal - Top Titties - Insanity - Whiny Mole - Infected - Scalped - Boning - WMD Penis - Juicy Lucy - Beach Shower
What's the difference between a cup of gravel and a cup of placenta? You can't gargle the gravel.
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For months the loving newlywed had asked his bride to give him oral sex, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for the blushing bride was simply too innocent and inexperienced to even think of such a thing, let alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes and asked "How was I, sweetheart?" He looked back at her and said "How the hell should I know? I'm not a cocksucker!"
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We've got stained glass windows in our house. Maybe I should pull the curtains when I'm watching my porn.
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She's single. She lives right across the street. I can see her condo from my deck. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door. I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says "I just got home. I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I quickly replied "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!" She said "Great! Could you watch my dog?"
ORSM VIDEO
NASTY SEX TERMS
TEA BAG: As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water. An old favourite.
HOT LUNCH: While receiving head from a woman, you shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
THE STRANGER: Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
DONKEY PUNCH: Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.
GOLDEN SHOWER: Any form of peeing on a girl. (aka: water sports)
PEARL NECKLACE: Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful jewellery.
COYOTE: This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realise that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.
PURPLE MUSHROOM: This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
THE FLYING CAMEL: A personal favourite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly a class move.
DOUBLE FISHHOOK: From the doggy-style position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.
THE RAM: Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
DOG IN A BATHTUB: This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
THE BRONCO: Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.
PINK GLOVE: This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
THE FOUNTAIN OF YOU: While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)
NEW YORK STYLE TACO: Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!
DIRTY SANCHEZ: While banging a girl doggy style, quickly stick 2 fingers deep into her starfish, then reach around and wipe the residue on her upper lip, providing her a moustache.
WESTERN GRIP: When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use; hence, western.
THE BLUMPKIN: You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her suck you off while you're on the shitter.
THE BISMARK: Another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and jism together.
JELLY DOUGHNUT: A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.
WOODY WOODPECKER: While a chick is sucking on your balls, repeatedly tap the head of your cock on her forehead.
TOSSING SALAD: Well known by now. A prison act where one person is forced to chow starfish with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jello, jism, etc
THE FISH EYE: Working from behind, you shove your finger in her pooper. Thereupon, she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.
TUNA MELT: You're down on a chick, lapping away, and you discover that it's her time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.
THE FUR BALL: You're chomping away at some mighty Zena who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat. You punch her.
THE CHILI DOG: You take a dump on the girl's chest and then titty fuck her.
GAYLORD PERRY: Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud and use multiple digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2 knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).
THE REAR ADMIRAL: An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (with both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab onto anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that the momentum pushes her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table, or have her trip and fall on her face. You attain the status of Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.
GLASS BOTTOM BOAT: Putting saran wrap over the skank's face and taking a dump.
RAY BANS: Put your nuts over her eye sockets while getting head. You're can is on her forehead. Yes, it may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.
THE SNOWMOBILE: When plugging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.
THE DUTCH OVEN: Also well known. Whenever you fart while humping, pull the covers over her head. Don't let her out until all movement ceases.
SMOKING POLE: Self Explanatory. Don't use fire.
RUSTY TROMBONE: Getting the reacharound while getting your salad tossed. Also known as milking the prostate.
TURKEY SHOOT: When you're coming, come on her face and let it drip off her chin so it looks like that red shit on the turkey's chin.
STOVEPIPING: Taking it in the Tush.
RUSTY ANCHOR: After a healthy term of the Stovepiping, the recipient gets to enjoy a good fudgesicle.
SANDPIPER: A stovepiping on the local beach, desert, or playground sandbox. Also known as the Sandblast.
LUCKY PIERRE: The middle man in a three way buttfuck. Also known as the French sandwich.
DIVORTEX: A mystical place into which old friends are sucked when a married couple splits up.
BLUMP: To suck someone's dick while they are taking a dump.
BUSTARD: A very rude bus driver.
COLD FAITHFUL: Blowing your visibly-steaming load outside in the winter-time, like when you get your cock sucked on a ski-lift.
GRAND PAPPY SMASH: To beat your meat so hardcore that it starts to chafe and bleed.
ESPLANADE: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
FLATULENCE: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
BUTT RODEO: When you're going at it with a girl, you flip her over real fast, start ramming her in the ass and yell as loud as possible "BUTT RODEO!" You then see how long you can ride her till she tosses ya off!
IT'S WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WATING FOR...!! |
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NASTY SEX TERMS [CONTINUED]
BARGOYLE: The hideous old hair-spray hag who seems to live at your local watering hole. She usually smokes endlessly, spends hundreds of dollars a night on video-poker, and makes sexually threatening comments to frightened college freshmen.
PASTEURIZE: Once you get her hairy bush pasteurize, you got it licked!
BEERELEVANT: A point which does not seem to be particularly important, given enough beer
MANGRY: Describing the anger of women who are angry at men, specifically. "She's such a bitch, she's just plain mangry".
CLITOURIST: A man who won't stop and ask for directions in bed. ie: "Because of his fouled foreplay, Suzy realised that her new boyfriend was no experienced bedroom traveler, but merely a clitourist".
STUFFUCKING: The act of "stuffing in" your limp, helpless member in hopes of getting it up. Potential causes: you're too drunk or she's too ugly.
ANTLERS: Wide, flat, flapjack titties that come to a sharp point at the nipples.
THE KANGMIN: While a girl is reciting bad poetry, you take her from behind.
THE FLAMING AMAZON: This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when you're about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then extinguish the flames with your jizz.
THE SCREWNICORN: When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
SPLIT PISSONALITY: When you're taking a leak and you get two streams out of the one hole!
A SHORT IN THE CORD: A 'code' phrase used by the common man to refer to Testicular Tendon Tangle Syndrome. Ex. "Oh fuck! My nuts are killing me... I think I've got a short in the cord".
OLD JISM TRAIL: The stream of semen oozing down the chin and chest of someone who has just finished fellating a senior citizen.
ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.
ANAL BOOT: An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.
AUSTRALIAN DEATH GRIP: The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.
FUMILINGUS: When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his/her face.
INTOXICOURSE: Having sexual intercourse whilst piss-drunk.
VALSALVA: The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward.
INSTA-GASM: Pre-mature ejaculation at the sight of a beautiful woman. ie: "She was so fine, I had an insta-gasm before I could get her clothes off!"
MANUAL DECONSTIPATION: This is where you get out the hand cream and go in manually for the hammerhead by breaking it into smaller chunks and pulling it out a piece at a time.
POST POODUM SYNDROME: The feeling of depression felt after successful removal of a hammerhead. The excitement has passed, and you must now find something else to occupy your time.
THE HOMOLIC MANEUVER: Using your penis to dislodge an object blocking a choking victim's windpipe.
PEGGING: Having a female take you in the rear with a strap on.
THE UNDERDOG: After a hard session at the gym, your armpit muscle begins to twitch; thus giving you the ability to jerk a guy off with your armpit muscle.
THE TWINKLER: when you are 69ing a girl and you shove your dick into mouth hard, and you watch her a-hole "twinkle" as she gags.
ANGRY DRAGON: This involves the girl giving the guy head and as he is about to cum slapping the girl on the back of the head causing the cum to come out her nose. Great care should be used to not slap her mouth shut.
TONY DANZA: A takeoff of the donkey punch is called the Tony Danza. When you are about to cum while doing a girl from behind, you say "who's the boss?" and stick it in her ass. Before she says anything you shout "TONY DANZA!" and punch her in the back of the head.
ALASKAN FIRE DRAGON: another good take off is one of the Angry Dragon - when a girl is giving you a blowjob, cum in her mouth unexpectedly and plug up her mouth at the same time. Then whisper in her ear "I have syphilis" so she spews it out her nose.
THE WALRUS: When she's giving you a blowjob and u cum in her mouth unexpectedly, cover up her mouth and punch her in the stomach.
THE FAT LIP: If you get poison ivy and finger a girl, her labia lips will swell. A la, the fat lip.
SLEEPING BAG: If you're going down on a really fat girl, you pull her enormous stomach roll of fat over your head.
HUMMER BIRD: when a girl is giving a guy a hummer, and he's enjoying it, she bites on his bird.
BLOODY MARY: When a drunk guy is going down on a girl and without even realising it after he's done, he realises Mary was very bloody.
THE HOUDINI: This manoeuvre is accomplished while going at it doggy style. As you feel you are about to cum, you pull out and spit on the small of her back (making her think you've finished...). It's at the point when she turns around when *BAM!* You bust your load in her face (in the eye if you've got proper aiming techniques down.) Also known as the the David Copperfield.
UPPERDECKING: This one takes practice. It requires a toilet with a tank above it, like the ones in most homes. Instead of crapping in the bowl, you shit in the tank (i.e. upper decking). Now don't flush. When the following victim flushes, the rancid waste fills the bowl. If you play your cards right, it may ferment
JOURNEY INTO DARKNESS: This is the most disturbing of all. It entails shitting into another person's asshole. Not for beginners.
ROCKY BALBOA: Don't shower for 2 weeks, then diarrhoea down her throat at any point during sexual contact.
ROCKY BALBOA TITLE PUNCH: Same as the Rocky Balboa, but in that non-showering 2 weeks all you eat is corn.
UNCLE JEMIMA: The typical dirty chef at your local Denny's or other low-class food establishment who occasionally becomes disgruntled, and takes out his frustration on your meal, via 'the ass wipe" or the 'French Toast Strut' seen in Road Trip.
AIRTIGHT: This is where a girl has a cock in each of her three holes, hence, airtight.
THE THRONE OF LIGHTNING: This is done by fucking a girl while you shit in a toilet. When you're going to blow your load, turn her over and dunk her head in the toilet, while she's bobbing for your turd plummet a river of semen in her ass. Not to be confused with "Ride the Lightning" a Metallica album.
ABE LINCOLN: You're getting a girl up the ass and give her a swift donkey punch to the back of her head, knocking her unconscious. You then turn her around and jerk off and blow your load all over her face. Then you shave her beaver and take the clippings and spread it where you jizzed on her, making a beard that looks like good ol Honest Abe's.
THANKSGIVING: Just like the holiday, Thanksgiving is when you do a girl and then she puts her two big butt cheeks on your face like holiday hams. An overcooked thanksgiving is similar to this but instead of just putting the cheeks on your head she farts on it too.
PEUM: An acronym coined by a group of drunk assholes that defines the annoying (and uncontrollable) tendency to piss in multiple directions after a raucous fuck: Post-Ejaculatory Urinary Misfire.
ORSM VIDEO
NASTY SEX TERMS [CONTINUED]
THE BEVERLY HILLS WHIFFER: This move is restricted to those women who think they're God's gift to the world. Find a woman of the above description. Take her home and start doggie styling her. When you're about to blow, corkscrew two fingers into her ass, scraping as much shit as you can from her. Pull out your fingers, reach around her head to stick one finger in each nostril. Pull her head back so she can see you while you yell "So, you think your shit don't stink now?!"
SHANGHAI SHAMPOO: Fuck a chick until you've built up a load large enough to paint a room. Blow it all in her hair, rub it in thoroughly. When it dries it will resemble the crunchy noodles often served with chop suey.
FROSTING THE CAKE: When you are about to cum, blow a load all over her chest. Then take your dick and evenly spread the jism around the breasts and over the nipples. Then stick some candles on it and start singing "Happy Birthday".
SPICEY STANLEY: When a girl takes hot sauce and pours it on your cock. She then proceeds to give you a blowjob, making sure all of the hot sauce is gone.
THE BRODIERUPTION: while a girl is speaking loe genitalese to you, right before you shoot soul sauce down her gullet, rip ass right in her face, á la brodie and renee, in mallrats.
TOBOGGAN: When you attack from behind on your partner, push them and then ride them down the stairs like a toboggan sled.
SNOWBALL: This is after your partner gives you head and then when you cum in her mouth she attempts to make out with you.
DIRTY SNOWBALL: This is of the original snowball but instead of her trying to make out with you, she makes out with someone else.(This gives you negative points in a Sex point scale Game)
GOLF: This is when you are eating out a girl and then grab her pubic hair and yank it and yell "FORE"
MILKING THE COW: Have sex with a girl with a rubber on, then afterwards pull the rubber off ever so carefully so that all of your specimens are in the bottom then while laying down after sex hold it upside down over her face and use the condom while pretend your milking cow udders.
THE PIRATE MAKER: When you're sitting on a girls face and she's sucking on your nuts, you start poking her in the eye with your cock.
SPANISH INQUISITION: This is kind of like the Snowmobile. While fucking a woman in the ass, grab her arms and bring them up behind her, arching her back. Then yell "Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition". For some variation, add a donkey punch.
THE VOLCANO: Blow your load on someone's ass crack. Then wait for them to fart and cause the cum to spurt out.
CORN FLAKES: This requires a really dirty partner. When you're about to cum, shoot it in her ear. If she's dirty enough, she'll have plenty of ear wax. Hopefully, the ear wax will float atop the semen. With the correct coloration, her ear will look like a bowl of milk and cereal.
ALI: When give a guy a hummer, start punching his nutsack as if it were a punching bag.
THE LLOYD BRIDGES: When she's giving the head job and you're just about to blow, twitch and yell "Who is it?" She will look around. Blow in her ear. She will look confused, and will jerk her head repeatedly to one side, just like Lloyd Bridges did to get the seawater out of his ear in Sea Hunt. (For those too young to remember, he was a crime-busting scuba diver).
THE TRIPLE CROWN OF SEX: In the yapper, the snapper and the crapper all in the same session.
WWF STYLE: With any luck she will proceed to expel "Angry Dragon" style as well because of the impact. Important note: make sure your dick is not in her mouth anymore when you tombstone her
SHANGHAI STIRFRY: When a girl gives you a blowjob, pukes all over your cock and keeps going.
A HOT CARL: When you withdraw your shaft from the bowels of her anus and place it directly into her mouth for a cleaning.
THE HALMSTAD HOOK: This is a unique sequence of events named after a town in Sweden, where this apparently happens quite frequently. After dumping your spunk in her rear, the sauce is sucked out of the anus by the male. Once the sauce has transferred from her bowls to your mouth the product that has been created is now known as "Swedish Cheese". The move is completed when the "Swedish Cheese" is transferred to the ladies mouth via a deep tongue kiss. You can cap this off with a swift stinging slap of her ass to show her how much you care and appreciate all her hard work.
GIVE A CAT A BATH: The act of trying to insert your testicle into a girls asshole, this is very hard to do, hence "give a cat a bath".
BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S: The act of eating a soft-boiled egg from your girl's pussy.
KAREN CARPENTER: Fucking a chick in the ass while she vomits.
THE MUSHROOM TATTOO (aka MUSHROOM WELT/PRINT): When a chick's going down on you, you pull it out, pull it back and whip her in the forehead with it... thus... mushroom tattoo.
SQUEEGEE: When you're fucking a girl in the ass and are about to cum, you stick a pin in one of her ass cheeks, thus making her clench up and cleaning all the shit off your cock as you pull out at the same time.
CUNT TRUMPET: While down on a chick, place your lips solidly over her love hole and blow, watch her stomach rise as she fills with air. Then, with a firm hand push down on her stomach to let all the air out like the beautiful sound of a trumpet.
RODEO FUCK: When you are doing your girl doggystyle, bend over and whisper in her ear "You're almost as good a lay as your sister". Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.
SEAL THE ENVELOPE: When hooking up with a really drunk girl and she passes out before you cum, turn her over and blow your load all over her ass crack. When it drys, it will seal her butt cheeks together and she will have to pry them open the next day: hence, sealing the envelope
THE SHOCKER (aka THE ALIEN): Two in the Pink and one in the stink.
LOUISVILLE SLUGGER: Your girl is on her knees in front of you servicing your pole. At some random point in time during this act you pull out, twist your hips, yell "BATTER UP!!!!" and smack her firmly in the cheek with your baseball bat like cock.
WET JESSY: Sneak into a girls bedrooms while she's sleeping and jack off on her.
PEARL HARBOR: Right after sucking a guy off stand up and spit his jizz right back in his face, then yell "Tora, Tora, Tora!"
THE GARDENER: When you are doing a girl from behind, you pause and yank the hairs (weeds) from her asshole, then you proceed to "sow your seed" by cumming on her anus.
THE WHEELBARROW: Man and woman are going at it doggystyle on the floor, then the man grabs the woman's legs and stands up, leaving the woman's arms on the ground, and starts running around the room, continuing to bang away...
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ORSM VIDEO
A married couple, Ron and Gina were going through marital problems, as they were unable to satisfy each other sexually. Gina was visiting her friend, Sara one day, when she happened to mention about her problems with Ron. Very experienced in worldly matters, Sara gave her opinion saying "This is such a common problem. Not many doctors will be able to help you, but I have a solution".
Gina urges her to share the remedy with her.
Sara replies "Well, if you insist, I will tell you. The only solution is for Ron to eat it". "What?!!" exclaimed Gina "Ron would never do that!" Sara shrugged. "Well, I told you because you asked. It's up to you to try it out".
On the way home, Gina thought about it and said to herself "What the heck, I'll give it a try".
She makes a very tasty dinner for Ron that night. When he came home from work, he loved the meal, but wondered about the reason for it. "That was a great meal" he complimented her. "Anything out of the ordinary today?" Gina told Ron about Sara's suggestion.
"Are you crazy, I cannot do it!" he reacted. "I will certainly not indulge in such a disgusting act". But Gina nagged and begged until he consented. "All right" he said. "I guess I can give it a try".
Gina got into bed and pulled the covers up to her neck. When Ron arrived, he braced himself for the job at hand and got into bed. He raised the covers crawled under them.
Groping in the dark, he managed to find his target. As soon as he started, Gina farted loudly. Under the covers, Ron said in a muffled voice "Thank God for that breath of fresh air".
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff".
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said "New house, new madam".
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad". A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.
When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said "New house, new madam, new whores". The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said "New house, new madam, new whores... same old faces. Hi Ray".
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Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Anthony volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates''.
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
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A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say "I've already paid your colleague who has left". Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave".
The rabbi is impressed, and says "Let's try it together this evening".
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left". And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
HARMONY ROSE |
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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is okay? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is okay and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life - he's sure he is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear" he proclaims "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning".
ORSM
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Well... we find ourselves here again...
-Check out the site archives. They're what you've been looking for all your life.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Literally the only thing I'm reliable on.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will be deeply offended. Could possibly require counselling if you don't.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never stop unfairly judging people. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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