Welcome to Orsmnet. Where will you be?

Ah yes here we are again. Another Orsm update! I think I'll start this update the way I start pretty much all the other ones and delight you [read: bore you] with tales of the last week or so and my life in general.

I'll begin with last Saturday because it ended up being quite a highlight. Why you may ask? Because we finished the carport roof! Okay so maybe in the grand scheme of things it's just a few pieces of steel screwed together in such a way that it provides cover but after having actually built it with my own hands [and assistance of family and friends] there is the feeling of reward you get upon seeing it finished. I figure I should lap it up now because at some point I'll forget what went into it and just see it as my parking spot...

I finished up mid afternoon, showered and then parked it on the couch for a few hours watching a DVD... a position I fully intended on maintaining for the duration of the day but was enticed away by the offer of beer and socialising with friends for the evening. How could anyone refuse that?

I don't know what it is with Sundays lately. No matter what I do the previous day I tend to wake up energised and ready to get moving regardless of having anything planned or not. Come to think of it I was supposed to do a family breakfast thing at some restaurant for mother dearest's birthday but as I practically never eat brekky anyway I decided to flag it and head for the dog beach instead. Turned out to be a good call too - perfect weather and eye candy everywhere.

I kind of fudged the rest of the day. I was supposed to swing past a friends place and say bon voyage before said friend departed the country for the next couple of years but managed to get sidetracked with gardening and car washing. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe... but at least I have a clean car...

I started this week off in a non-specific foul mood and spent most of Monday hoping someone within arms reach would piss me off so I could attack them. Admittedly this is no easy feat when you live by yourself so I settled for bottling it deep within...

That nite was dinner to make up for Sundays breakfast a few of us had missed. Meal was pretty decent but there is just something that bugs the shit out of me about restaurants that require you to pay as you go. Want a steak? Pay now. Beer? Pay now. I didn't get as far as finding out why they do it but I assume it's somewhere between people doing runners and others only having to pay for exactly what they ate if there's a large group. Now that I think about it that's probably exactly why...

The rest of this week has just been like any other with the exception of the rampant Ben Cousins coverage in the media. Most of you are probably scratching your heads wondering who the fuck that is when he's not asleep but long story short he was the captain of the West Coast Eagles Football Club who resigned in 'disgrace' this week after fleeing his vehicle when he realised a Police Booze Bus was ahead. The whole thing has been the source of countless emails doing the rounds which you can find here.

This weekend... I don't have all that much planned except levelling off the sand in the carport in preparation for the concrete pad and car hunting with my sister for something that is 'cheap, newish, cheap, reliable, cheap, a five door, cheap, automatic, economical and cheap'. Should be easy!

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Angelina Topless - War Bears - David Spade - You Suck! - Amateur Gurl - Melons For Sale - Jiggly Butt - HardBody

The Eagles have now helped solve parking problems at Subiaco - park at Applecross and run to the game.
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I hear that Ben Cousins has already chosen his song for the Players Review this year... "A doo run run run I do run run".
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In order to stop Ben Cousins kicking goals, St Kilda will unveil their new back man in Round 1 - Constable Care.
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I hear that Ben Cousins has changed his footy jumper number for 2006, it is now .08.
--
The AFL are concerned about the smooth running of the tribunal system this year as it seems Eagles players will take around 5 days before they face up to their misdemeanours.
--
The Eagles are not concerned about losing any sponsorship revenue over the Cousins incident as they are likely to pick up VB as a new sponsor.

COMPLETELY FRICKIN' HAWT Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela - Angela

A South African rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The New Zealander was next up. After watching the South African in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the New Zealander was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Australian was the last one up but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!".

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Australian replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. "Tie the Kiwi to my back..."

ORSM VIDEO More Chopper anyone? Yes he is back again with two hilarious clips [the second of which is new and unseen!]. If you wanna see more then I highly recommend checking out the Ronnie Johns Half Hour on Network Ten on Sunday nites and also the Ronnie Johns website. Check em... - Chopperbies Art Auctions & Choppers Advanced Driving School -

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, Idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious Man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You Know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

WORLD CUP STADIUM IN GERMANY Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium - Allianz Stadium

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READER MAIL
Reader mail has been brimming with wonders from the world over this week and it was no easy task to sort through hundreds, if not thousands of emails in the vein attempt to whittle them all down to just a handful. It sucks to be me I guess.

Anyway if you would like to contribute and have your naked pictures, hilarious jokes, funny vids or pretty much anything else featured on the site then you should feel welcome to drop me a line here. On with the mail...

<with held> wrote: Subject: Axl Rose's New Look A Homeless man? A Hip-Hop Rapper? A friendly Fireman? Nope, it's Axl Rose! Holy crap! Axl got old...!! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Crazy Muslims Hey orsm, With all the news lately being about those crazy muslim kids getting a bit testy over some cartoons, I got to thinking, instead of rioting in the streets and making cunts of themselves, why don't they publish their own offensive religious pics? Here's one to get them started!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Paul Allen's Yacht My friend's Mom lives in the Cayman Islands and it was rumored the (Microsoft) Paul Allen's Yacht was anchored off the beach about 100 ft. Note the sail boat, car, speed boat, and helicopter. For all of you non believers this picture was taken 5 minutes before I sent this. Love the site!!!

<with held> wrote: Subject: my ole lady been checkin' ya site for years. hope you like. with hold my info

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hot Wife Shower Pic Hey Orsm! Been a fan for a long time. Anyway, remember the picture of my wife holding her Ruger 9mm behind her? Well, I just took more pictures, this time in the shower. We're coming up on our 5th Wedding Anniversary! We're swingers, too! E N J O Y!

B wrote: Subject: Read the text FIRST!!! Hi mr Orsm, Just wanted to say thumbs up mate you have a great site and keep up the good work!!! I got an email yesterday with the following attachment, Looks like some poor bastard lost his camera and the person who found it has passed it on via email in the hope that the poor guy gets sent his own photo's. Mind you they are rather nice. hahaha can you please post them up for all to see.. It would be a shame for so many people to miss out.

Alex wrote: Subject: Military It is difficult to comprehend the number of military aircraft in dead storage until you see these photographs! Things of interest. 1- The 3rd largest Air Force in the world is sitting on the ground here. 2- It's the only unit in the U.S. Air Force that actually makes a profit.

Anthony Gatt wrote: Subject: Car. Its where all Holden's should end up... minced Score - Train 1 - Holden VZ SS Police Pursuit Car Nil. In pursuit of another late model Commodore suspected of being in a break and enter, Police chased said Commodore at high speed through a disused rail crossing only to beach the pursuit car on the tracks. One officer legged it after the suspects whose car was written off after landing in a culvit on the other side of the tracks whilst the remaining officer tried to call the rail control officer to stop the fast coming coal train he had spotted. To no avail, the Pacific National coal hauling loco hit the unmanned Commodore at considerable speed dragging it some distance down the track. To add insult to injury, the crimes got away on foot.

Purefilm wrote: Subject: jonbenet dance recital We've got more... let us know! Ummm... sure... keep them coming! -Orsm

bianca wrote: Subject: <kein Betreff> Hello Mr. Orsm, Good work ..blabla... long time reader ..blabla... Here is a vid of the erotic-event "amor" in the capital of Switzerland. They said it is not permitted to take photos and vids so here is a scene of the special-live-sexshow, it did me cost around 50 bucks, anyway you can do with this what you like to. enjoy.. kisses

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

ORSM VIDEO

Cassidy Returns

Keep It Real

Rhymin' Retards

Full Body Massage

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior."? Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine!? For shame!? You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

JAWS LIVES Big, Bad Great White - Big, Bad Great White - Big, Bad Great White - Big, Bad Great White

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

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RANDOM SHITE I've filled this weeks RS with sweetness and innocence. I mean I don't want to offend or shock anyone with anything too far out there... or do I...? I suppose you should check it an see for yourself... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine but all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."

Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured - Sculptured

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good!" she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

ORSM VIDEO

HandJob Air

Muslim Rave

The Head Trick

Perfect Flatties

You know what? I'm DONE! Yes that's a wrap for another week and at this point I can tell you with some honesty that I am thankful for this. It's been another killer Thursday and I am in dire need of some serious sleep before my eyes pop out of my head.

Will I return next week? Well with next weekend being a public holiday long weekend the thought may have crossed my mind a few times to shit-can the update and enjoy a four day break... which would also mean I could slack off in a very big way from now until the Tuesday after. Of course it then occurred to me I wouldn't be able to stay off the computer for that long anyway so to answer the question - yes I will return next week! In the mean time if you can all do me a show me some love and spread the word about O-R-S-M-DOT-NET then I will be forever grateful!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember to buy your mum a birthday present before she cracks the shits with you! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. You can do it!

I'm happy to report that I have had a slightly more sedate week which makes a nice change from practically every other one this year until now. It's not as if I haven't been working away like a good little boy but I did go as far as to take some time here and there to chill out. Let me tell you about it...

Last weekend... you will probably recall me dribbling on as usual about my long-running/never-ending carport project with the next stage being "the structure". Pretty straight forward in design - some legs, some beams, and some tin sheets for the roof. Of course with most of the 'simple' projects I have undertaken around here no matter how straight forward something looks it rarely is...

Saturday was the big day. Up out of bed at 7am [far too early for any normal person] and ready to begin by 8am. As soon as I stepped outside I knew it was going to be a killer day. It was already warm and heating up quickly. My first job was to move all the steel in from out the front which got a sweat going nice and early. Not long after that the old man arrived ready to begin what we'll call supervising...

Now keep in mind that dad is a builder by trade and I'm an ex-cabinetmaker so as you would expect we have both have plenty of experience constructing things. It would also be reasonable to expect that he has his way and I mine.

Now combine these things with a stinking hot day, some pre-existing injures, a lack of patience and family that likes to get their point across and what you end up with is the nearly constant use of the word 'fuck'. If I had to guess then I'd say at a very minimum the expletive or variations and combinations thereof was used at least 347 times... and that was just before lunch.

Thankfully throughout the morning we were joined by my brother and best mate because there's a good chance someone would have been attacked with a four inch angle grinder in retaliation for telling me "you're doing it wrong" or "stop stuffing around and get a move on". It was also far easier with the extra man power because the day just got hotter and hotter but come 3pm we had all had more than enough for the day.

How far did we get? The posts are in the ground and cemented in place, all the beams are joined and screwed and it sits perfectly plumb, level and square so I can quite proudly say that we have a structure.

The rest of the weekend wasn't too bad at all. I'm not sure how I managed it because I was thrashed, tired and sore from the day's events but we spent Saturday nite at our favourite nite spot in the city doing our best not to get too drunk. I can't remember exactly when my last proper boozy nite was but we had an awesome time and it was a big reminder to do it more often while the weather is still good.

I was convinced Sunday was going to be a lazy day but I woke up feeling so energised and ready to do something it almost felt like a shame to waste it. The compromise was to get the house clean for the first time in ages and bathe my sunburnt skin in artificially cooled air.

Mixed in with that was the Cricket. How many Aussies out there tuned in for the first few over's and didn't say or at least think to themselves that we were toast? I know I did and I was stoked to see Ricky Ponting and Andrew Symonds come out and turn it all around. absolutely some of the best Cricket I have ever seen.

This Saturday is most likely going to be a repeat of the last whilst we attempt to finish the roof section. Four separate [pointless] discussions plus several threats of a violent attack following last weekend should ensure that everyone stays a little more relaxed and 'in line'. If not there's a good chance my next update will be coming to you guys from jail...

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The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Mena Suvari Naked - Boy Or Girl? - Nip Slip - More Lingerie Bowl - Oiled Up - Foamy - Nasty News - Tasty Stracy

THE JOY OF WORKCOVER
Highway patrol pulls over a Workcover Inspector for doing 68 in a 60 zone. Workcover Inspector says nothing and cops it sweet. Policeman finishes writing ticket and proceeds back to his car. Workcover Inspector in the mean time, gets digital camera out of bag, photographs the cop and proceeds to the police car where he issues the Policeman with an $800.00 fine for not wearing his high visibility vest when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.

I DREAM OF A TEEN NAMED... Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather - Heather

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!" The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!... Wait two weeks... Faw off by itself! You save money!"

AMBY VALLEY: MUMBAI Amby Valley - Amby Valley - Amby Valley - Amby Valley - Amby Valley Amby Valley - Amby Valley

After capture and posting bond, two young men are released from jail for 30 days pending their trial for possession of drugs. When their trial date finally arrived, they found themselves standing before the Judge facing 5 long years in prison.

The Judge, looking down at the two young men from his bench, was attempting to be empathetic with their case. He asks the first young man, "If you can tell me anything you have done, that has helped people in any way, while out on bond for the last 30 days, I will be lenient on your jail time".

He replies, "Thank you sir. In the last 30 days I've gotten 16 people off drugs and this is how I did it."

He begins by asking for a pen and paper, and draws a very small circle. While pointing to the circle, he starts by saying, "I simply explained to the kids, that the small circle represented their brain on drugs. Then I drew a large circle and told them that this was their brain if they stayed off of drugs. Realising that they would be able to use more of their brain capacity without drugs, they all decided to quit using drugs. And that's how I did it your Honor.

The Judge after listening to the young man, felt he made good sense, and only sentenced him to 30 days in county jail.

Then the second young man was ordered to step up to the bench. The Judge them asks him the same question. He also begins by drawing two circles on a piece of paper, one large and one small.

"Judge", he says, "I got 80 people off drugs and here's how I did it". As he points to the smaller of the two circles, he says, "This is your ass BEFORE you go to prison..."

ORSM VIDEO This should make a few of you happy... Chopper is back! By far one of the most popular things I have ever run on the site and to answer the question I get almost daily - Chopper is a character from The Ronnie Johns Half Hour on the Ten Network in Australia. The Good news? The crew from the RJHH returns with an all new series starting this Sunday nite! Anyway here's the latest from Chop Chop. Check it... - Chopper Does The Sports Report -

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

Three tortoises, Russell, Steve and Dave, decide to go on a picnic. So Dave packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Dave unpacks the food and beer. "OK Russ give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Russ. "I thought you packed it." Dave gets worried, He turns to Steve, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Steve didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Dave and Steve beg Russ to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Russ sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Dave and Steve are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and just as they are about to eat it, Russell pops up from behind a rock and shouts:

"I KNEW IT!!..... YOU BASTARDS!!..... I'M NOT FUCKING GOING NOW!!!"

THE OLDEN DAYS OF COMPUTING Antique Computing - Antique Computing - Antique Computing - Antique Computing Antique Computing - Antique Computing - Antique Computing - Antique Computing

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READER MAIL
Mail mail mail... so much mail. I must be a sucker for punishment because each week I beg and plead for you guys to bombard my inbox with absolutely anything you like [and you do] but the result is me spending almost an entire day sorting through it all. So lately I've been trying to cut back a bit and aim for quality over quantity which has made the task that much more harder. This been the case I put the challenge out to all you guys to send in your very best! I don't care what it is - a story, a joke, an opinion, a video, pics... anything! All you gotta do is click here and let the magic happen...

chris lujiez wrote: Subject: kg burger goodness Me and my mates were bored sunday night after a few drinks so we decided to go to tuart hill maccas and order some cheese burgers with 9 patties. No one finished them (especially after sinking piss all day). My mate steve spewed his ring up and almost choked because the meat chunks were getting caught in his throat. anyways here are the pics

<with held> wrote: Subject: My Time to Contribute I've been checking out the site for the last half decade almost and finally I stumbled across something worthy to send you. To all you idiots who think your cell phone is a safe place to store hot pictures *Thanks*. Orsm you rock for an Aussie, the only site I will check on a weekly basis without fail!!!

<with held> wrote: Subject: funny pic Hi Mr Orsm, I love your site mate, always catch every update, not sure if you saw the senate in Australia voted this week to allow abortions to be carried out with just a pill. I'm not big on politics, but I thought this pic was funny considering the bill was sponsored by Lyn Alison.

Patrick Seifer wrote: Subject: Can you scare a polar bear? Shot from the USS HONOLULU (Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine) at the Arctic Circle, 280 miles from the North Pole--is there anything that scares a polar bear?

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pics from a ski holiday Hello ORSM. Long time reader and fan from Antwerp Belgium. Last december, my mate Jan and I went skiing at Val Thorens, France, which is the highest skistation in Europe. We took these pictures of university students from Birmingham, Britain. The guy should have kept his clothes on, pencil dickie!

DtM wrote: Subject: The Xmas Mu Mu In PNG This is how they prepared the pork for the Mu Mu, which is what they do when they have a party. The pig cost Parker about $600-$700!! Just so you know a couple of the pictures are a bit inhumane.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hope this makes it on your next update Hello Mr. Orsm, Good work with your site i'm a long time reader. This time I don't have a video of a hot ex girlfriend giving the perfect blowjob, rather an obese bisexual slut that doesn't hesitate to have her explict videos and pictures floating around the internet.. So I thought i would take the liberty of sending this to you and sharing it with the world.

Pricey wrote: Subject: Another eBay pearler. Here mate, thought you may be able to use this on your site. The description of his wildebeast wife is gold! Cheers Absolute classic. -Orsm

mitsoyo moz wrote: Subject: a video for Priceless Vid section Here is a vid of an ex-girlfriend. She is a well-known fitness competitor. Known inside and out it would seem... -Orsm

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National art gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men sitting totally naked on a park bench. Two of the black men had black penises, but the one sitting in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised that the confused couple where having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black African Americans in a predominately white patriotical society. "In fact" he pointed out, "some serious critics believe the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society."

After the curator had left, a Scotsmen approached the couple and said to the couple "Would you like to know what that painting is really about?" The couple said "How would you claim to know more about the painting than the curator of The Gallery." "Because I'm the guy who painted it!" he replied "in fact, there is no African American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch!"

ORSM VIDEO

Turk ROCKS!

God Is A DJ

Bad Parenting

At The Gay Bar

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the tore, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she pulls out the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

"Take a shower. Splash on some nice perfume. Slip into a very sexy nightie. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training."

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me you little bastard! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

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A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woken him. "We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the
alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk!

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A dedicated Union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80, and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all the union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The girls get $80, and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next."

ORSM VIDEO

What Are You Zinking?

Patches

That's What You Get

Screwed The Landing

Ladies and gentlemen it is time to bid you farewell for another week. With some luck I have managed to drag you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing and provided you with the finest entertainment known to man.

I shall return again in seven days with more blogging on my adventures, humour, video and maybe even a pinch of naked women for your enjoyment. Until then please retun the favour by telling the world about this kick ass website you found called ORSM DOT NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't disappoint the ones you love. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. I'd like to start this update with a personal message for Natalie Portman: Please stop calling me! Its over!

It's been another one of those hectic 'blink and you miss it' weeks around here and I've been thinking if ever there was a right time for someone to crank out a couple of clones of myself now would be the ideal time. I imagine life would then be perfect... Clone #1 could spend his days chained to the computer without any worry of criticism from family members when he doesn't make it around to their houses to complete whatever chore is expected [read: demanded] of him. Clone #2 would be the guy that does all those chores loved ones so readily, yet selfishly expect as well as answer the phone, take care of the laundry, general house keeping and all that kind of crap don't wanna do.

As for me... I think I would head down south... way down south... preferably somewhere isolated and far enough away that any trip back home would be too much of an effort to make regularly. I could spend my days fishing and drinking, enjoying the silence and developing my eccentricity traits. Beyond that if we could possibly designate one of the clones to somehow take care of toilet visits for all three of us then that would be pretty cool too.

Anyway back to reality. As I was saying before I got carried away in fantasy land - my week has been far too busy. I spent my Friday doing the usual run around and catch up on a million different errands and that nite in front of the computer working away.

Saturday started exactly the same - back on the computer tinkering with the site for a couple of hours before realising if I don't get out of the house now I will regret it. The decision was soon made to head out for a shoot. I think the thing I have most come to love about shooting is the release you get after unloading a clip 'movie style'. You know... just rampantly firing in rapid succession without any regard to nailing the bulls-eye or even targets for that matter. Good fun. Two hours, two hundred rounds and twenty shotgun shells later we were all done.

The rest of my day and nite were spent between [I hate to admit this] staring deep into my computer screen again and watching ads on TV with some Back To The Future II mixed in for good measure. Sunday was a marginally better. The weather was close to perfect so I did the standard bundle the dog in the car and head for the dog beach. Turned out to be a good call too because the place was pumping with a million dogs and more bikini-clad hot chicks than one man can check out. The rest of the weekend... I'll leave you guys to figure that out for yourselves suffice to say it involved my computer, my internet connection and my website...

I can honestly say I'm looking forward to this weekend. I've got the boys headed over Saturday morning to help me build the carport roof. The roof is the next [and second last] stage of this behemoth undertaking I have sucked myself into. With a bit of luck everything will go smoothly and it will be completely finished before the weekend is out.

In reality, and based on how my previous endeavours have panned out, I think it's safe to say we have no chance. At very least we'll have ample opportunity to talk shit and criticise each other for not knowing how something goes together or lacking the necessary skills to use certain tools. And when it's me on the receiving end I can always pull out the “well at least I'm not gay like you"... works every time.

Saturday nite is penned in as 'serious drinking time' and I'm so going to make the most of it. I figured out that since embarking on my drinking in moderation vow back in August or whenever it was I actually haven't been hammered drunk. Funny thing is that I completely forgot about the vow - I just for whatever reason never got around to it. If you ask me five or six months is far too long for any normal person to go without such pleasures so I intend on making up for five months of sobriety all in the one evening.

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Kim Bassinger Fucking - Choppy - KA-POW! - Got Milk? - Face Ball - What The? - Rate My Pix! - Smokin' Hot

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough so she took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3 ?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets!"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants". Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire Truck".

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

ORSM VIDEO

The Aristocrats

You're Beautiful

Cow Bell

Brokeback To The Future

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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READER MAIL
Ah Reader Mail... this is where you guys get to have your say about whatever the hell you like and bombard my inbox with countless emails from around the world. Not that I have a problem with this – quite the opposite. If you guys didn't pleasure me constantly with cool pictures, fucked up vids and hilarious jokes I would have nothing to do all day. So If you'd like to be one of the lucky ones who actually does titillate and excite me then all you gotta do is click here to make the magic happen!

bvaris wrote: Subject: ferrari Could work on the site mate, keeps me busy alot of my day at work. here are some picks that i saw last tuesday 31st january on Mounts Bay Road out the front of the bus station. This bloke ran up the arse of a honda crv (that was hardley damaged becaues of its high arse end) in his very nice ferrari 612 Scaglietti. i looked on the ferrari site and its a nasty V12. on redbook.com its worth $582,000, hate to think what just a bonnet is worth let alone any other damage. keep up the good work Mr Orsm.

Cody wrote: Subject: Yahoo.com Screws Up Super Bowl Coverage Nice job Yahoo. Unless you live under a rock, or are blind deaf and dumb, you'd know who's playing the Super Bowl. It's hard to avoid it when it's been all over the media for weeks.

Benji wrote: Subject: scotty Mr Orsm, Just while we are on the subject of gay cowboys, I thought I'd send in this photo of my mate scott doing his best impersonation of a poofter pirate. There appears to be some sort of bird on his shoulder and he likes it. Anyway heres to scotts coming out, if you think its worthy.

David wrote: Subject: Stupid Muslims I got hold of the pics from the Danish paper which is making the muslims acting pathetic again, but I guess they didnt see some really good ones. Put them on your site, personally, the ones in the danish paper were lame by comparison. I don't see what the big deal is!? -Orsm

Mark wrote: Subject: Doing my part to control the moose population. Hey Orsm, Great site, I'm a long time fan. I hit a moose with my car this past October going about 100km/h. The results are obvious. I'm from Newfoundland, Canada. Our highways can be vicious. Check it out. Poor moosey. -Orsm

Des wrote: Subject: Cartoons G'Day, Thought these Poofter Cowboy cartoons might give you a laugh! Thanks for a GREAT site.

Dave wrote: Subject: second house Think you might find this another worthy entry. Feel free to list the credit to John Fitzgerald Photography, a very good friend of mine. I hope these guys aren't for real...!! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: cool song hey hey mr Orsm here is a song i found apparently it is made by the british national party to try and screw tony blair a bit, thought u might like it considering all the riots you been havin it's about 4 mins long but hey just enjoy...........then go kick an immigrants ass.

ERIC wrote: Subject: beretta Just how good is this bloke??? Great site keep up the good work mate. Cheers. Thought I was watching a video of myself for a minute there... -Orsm

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened" "Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story. "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story... "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law!"

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A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "Okay, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." "How much was the sale for?" "124, 237.64. pounds."

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS?! What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me a guy came In here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No no no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!!!"

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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated 'pleasure device'... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You had better explain yourself quick smart!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the fucking kids!"

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

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Well gurls and men what we have here is the end to another big ass update and I've got to admit I'm quite chuffed at the thought. I can now engage in that thing known as ‘sleep' for at least the next six hours before I have to get up and restart the process of sending myself insane again.

In case you were wondering – YES I shall return next Thursday with another update that will hopefully leave you wanting more and more and more... like this one did right...? In the mean time all I ask is that you spend every spare moment tirelessly telling the world about the amazing site you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and share the love. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Gay Cowboy.

I swear to god next time I hear those two words I'm a chance to mount up and take my shootin' irons on over to Brokeback Mountain and do some Gay Cowboy hunting. If you haven't worked out what I am babbling about then you've somehow escaped the incessant media onslaught about the new Gay Cowboy movie starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. Did I mention that they play Gay Cowboys?

Seriously but - what is the big deal? I haven't seen the movie [and won't be] but I assume its something to do with the two of them being Gay Cowboys. Is that any reason for having to hear about Gay Cowboys on the news every day? How come being a Gay Cowboy is cool all of a sudden? And is Heath Ledger a Gay Cowboy in real life?

I've actually got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about TV lately. I don't have that much spare time to park it on the couch and whittle away the hours staring blankly into the screen plus I don't have pay TV so I am at the mercy of the commercial stations. Usually I can deal with it but over the last month or so we've had a constant tirade of ad's for Prison Break, Lost, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Commander In Chief etc etc. It's too much. Don't they realise that anyone that knows even the slightest thing about how to use the internet has seen all the above months ago...?

Also in my bad books is the media. Do they really think the average Aussie gives a crap about the Australian Wheat Board paying bribes to Saddam Hussein? Answer: No! Please make it stop and get back to reporting the real news about things like Brad & Angelina and Tom & Katie...

Anyway on to me and my life... I mean that's why you're all here right?

The past week has been just as ridiculously busy as the last few. The only real saving grace was last Friday which as I mentioned previously was a golf day with a couple the lads. Did I suck as bad as I thought I would? The short answer is yes but definitely not as much as I used to. For the most part my shots ended up on the green or not too far from it and I got more consistent as the day progressed after learning the all important 'bend your knees' rule. My score? For nine holes I shot an embarrassing 68 but I can at least take solace in the fact I have done far worse before.

Next up we headed out for lunch at a restaurant near my place to suck back some beers, enjoy some seafood and, amongst other things, chat about why we don't do this sort of stuff more often followed by vow's to fix that. After that I headed home and fell asleep - turned out that forgetting to slip, slop, slap the sun cream on left me kind of sunburnt and in dire need of some air-conditioned revelry.

I got moving Saturday with the intention of doing stuff around the house. Before long the phone started ringing and I was up at the local shopping centre aimlessly wandering shop to shop with some friends. I usually spend my life avoiding the bigger malls because I can't be bothered with the human traffic jams but three or four hours miraculously disappeared and as a result I managed to get a couple of pending birthday presents out of the way and even some groceries done.

I spent half of Sunday chained to the computer doing actual work and the rest of the day shovelling sand and finding places to stash it around the house and then washed the car for the first time this year. As usual that turned out to be a frivolous exercise because about five minutes after I started my next door neighbour wheeled out his lawnmower and made a mess of the place. That's the THIRD time he has done that to me now... I'm starting to think its revenge for something I have done to annoy them. Let's see how much lawn he has to mow when it all inexplicably dies following a midnite mission at some point soon...

This weekend... I already don't want to think about it. Friday nite is drinks at a friends place and then I think I'll be stuck helping my sister car hunting on Saturday. Beyond that it's the dog beach on Sunday morning and possibly even shooting later in the day. All I know is that a bit of peace and quiet would go a long way. Chances of that happening? Fuck all and buckleys...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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An upset woman storms into the golf pro shop and says to the clerk, "I was just golfing on your course and I was stung by a bee right in between the first and second holes. What do you suggest I do?" The clerk says, "Well for starters lady I'd suggest you narrow your stance a bit."
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What is smoking, black, and at the top of the stairs? Christopher Reeves after a house-fire.
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What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

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A Mexican family was considering putting their Grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
Respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doc'!"

"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The Fucking Mexican"!

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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner drawls, "No son, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches out and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly drawls, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too..."

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Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years.

He realises her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina." Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've sure got ugly tits!"

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READER MAIL
Failing to disappoint as always has been Reader Mail. I've been inundated with all sorts of bits and pieces from the world over and it took forever deciding what to post. Of course for you guys this means some cool shit for your perusal.

If you'd like to contribute something and have your stuff posted on Orsmnet then we love getting jokes, pics, vids and pretty much anything else. All you've got to do is click here and make the email magic happen.

Acu Yico wrote: Subject: Chick from Argentina ORSM The chick is a starlet in Argentina (not Spain) Her name is Pamela David. Find some pictures attached. I recieved SO many emails about this hottie it was out of control so rather than post them all I thought just the one would be enough and here are some of the pics... -Orsm

Benjo 25 wrote: Subject: gay Hi master, a little picture from my gay neighbour when he is doing some garten work. :-) Holy crap! Definitely one of the gayest things I have ever seen! -Orsm

Evan wrote: Subject: Amusing Hey Orsm. Love the site and i found something you may find amusing. Our receptionist was flicking through the latest TV Week magazine and came across this. How do you sell a vibrator in TV Week? Easy.... just call it a massager. You dont have to disguise it or anything. Just show some lady rubbing it on her back. You can even offer it in 7inch or 9.5inch sizes. Classic! :)

Tim and the guys wrote: Subject: Air conditioning. Hey Mr Orsm, We slave away in the heat all day (or play on the net) while our boss struggles to keep himself awake in the heat of the air conditioned office department. The other day he came up with an ingenious idea to steal some of the nice cold air from the office next to his with this amazing contraption, almost good enough to go into manufacturing we think. It's worth a laugh, maybe some other readers could copy it to keep themselves cool so they don't fall asleep at their desks, all you need is one old cardboard box, one roll of parcel tape, an old fan and an extension lead. Cheers, keep up the good work.

<with held> wrote: Subject: summernats pics ahh, summernats. I think they have cars there too. Anyone manage to get Summernats car pics? Email me! -Orsm

Cuca Wildman wrote: Subject: (no subject) this porche from San Bernardino, Ca. says it all, doesn't it? Took me a minute to get this one... -Orsm

Seth at 20psi.com wrote: Subject: Big Day Out Gold Coast These are some random images I took at the big day out this year on the Gold Coast. My buddy gets in all the good shots of course. There is one guy on a pole who had cans and water bottles thrown at him non stop until he got the Aussie flag then he was everyone's best friend. From there on it was business as usual... Girls guys more girls and some funky outfits, oh and my favourite girl Phoenix who does things for Pillfreak...

<with held> wrote: Subject: Crashed Ford GT Hi Mr orsm. Well long time reader bla bla bla..... Got these emails at work the other day. Near new Fort GT slamed into a power pole here in auckland. Apparently the driver lost control exiting his driveway. hhmmm.. enjoy

ed-m wrote: Subject: Cleaning up Here is a video I made you can do what you want with it. Thanks...!! -Orsm

Jannes wrote: Subject: Video Hi, the guy is from a nearby city. The key from his car is in the trunk/car boot..... peace What a fucking nut bar... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: blow off A mate of mine riding Cairns to Port Douglas, QLD, escapes being hit by exhaust in front of him.Hope you post it enjoy. thanks

Alukard wrote: Subject: head waxing Hey, here is a video of my girlfriend waxing my brother-in-laws head. He kept asking her so she did it, and i recorded it. Then edited it, and set it to the Johnny Cash version of Hurt by NIN. Enjoy No way that wouldn't sting a little... -Orsm

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There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.

At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement." Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt." Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies." Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy. Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.

Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?" All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

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A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Against his will - he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

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Orright folks that's all for another week... where that week disappeared to I am yet to figure out but you can guarantee I shall return next Thursday with more monotonous tales of my life, canned humour and the finest adult entertainment to be found online. In the mean time you should feel free to tell as many people as possible about this amazing website you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay away from Gay Cowboys. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.