It's all far too fucking easy this year. Perhaps unprecedented. WTF is this idiot on about now you ask? In a nutshell, as of this update, I am done. That's right... I'M DONE!
All gift shopping is done. Everything in and around the house is done - garden is sorted, there's not even a dirty laundry pile. Not a skerrick of cooking for Christmas Day required. Like at all. We're gorging at a restaurant instead. No social events pending. Have even gotten as far as browsing for and buying the PC game I want to smash over the holidays [Star Wars: Battlefront in case you were wondering]. At very most all that actually needs doing is our weekly grocery shop but otherwise I have absolutely nothing to do for the next 2 days. After that? More of the same. Motherfucking eggs every day, gaming, beach, beer, gin, relax. Have also been steadily chipping away at the January updates with the aim of a cruisy start to the New Year. Like I said - unprecedented. This Christmas season is shaping up to be the best one ever.
Moving on. Always like to use the year's last update to run through some stats. There's often some interesting insights to be had... particularly just to see how depraved you fuckers are. If nothing else it's a good opportunity to revisit some great posts. So let's do it...
-51 Total Orsm Updates
-Most Viewed Update Of The Year: This
-3395 Total Vids Posted (approx.)
-Top 5 Most Viewed Porn Vids: #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1
-Top 5 Most Viewed Sexy Vids: #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1
-Top 5 Most Viewed Regular Non-Porn Clips: #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1
-Top 5 Least Viewed Vids: #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1
-Top 5 Most Viewed Image Galleries: #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1
-Top 5 Most Viewed Random Shite's: #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1
-Fuck Knows How Many Images Posted
While I'm busy listing stuff... may as well add that the best TV series I watched was The Night Of. If you haven't seen then get on that shit ASAP. Honourable mentions for High Maintenance and Black Mirror. Other which I held high hopes for but ultimately disappointed were Mr. Robot and Silicon Valley. Best film was Sully. Worst... soooo many to choose from but the latest Independence Day is up there. Website I spent most time on, present company excluded, was Quora. Most irritating voice is, was and always will be Dave Hughes.
Huge thank you to everyone who contributed. Enjoyed being able to interact with more with people now Orsm is on FB, Insta and Twitter. Forwarding the stuff which lands in your inbox or just a quick email to say gday is always welcome and appreciated. Even the snarky/abusive ones. Yes I do listen to your complaints and the cunty ways people find to say stuff that I can easily change never ceases to amaze. Speaking of which - my inbox currently has several hundred unread. No idea how many of these need a response or whatever but my goal over the next few weeks is to reply to as many as possible. My New Year's resolution is actually to reply to every email [that needs a reply] on the day it's received. In reality, no chance whatsoever it'll happen but the intent is there.
And for the record... the reason you guys generally don't hear back in a timely manner is not because I'm rude as fuck [although it def does play a part] but because of time constraints. Running Orsm takes a lot of work - Monday to Thursday I'll typically be in front of the computer from about 8am til 11pm and beyond. Friday I'm on kid duty. Weekend's I *try* and stay the fuck away from my PC. The lines are more muddled than that but you get the idea.
2017? Have had some chats with a few longtime Orsm supporters which has given me some insight I didn't have. I'm hoping to apply that and make some changes. I think I say something similar every year then life gets in the way.
Alright let's do the Christmas update. Have seriously put a serious amount of effort into this puppy. There's a fruckload of Easter Eggs hidden within so click everything that says CHRISTMAS or SANTA!, an extreme amount of vids, jokes and pictures that will hopefully keep you dudes busy during my week off. If not, go fuck yourself. Merry Christmas. Check it...
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked "Why did you do that?" "Well" she replied "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
--
Three men die on Christmas Eve. To get into heaven, St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Christmas". The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "It's a candle, St Peter lets him pass. The Welshman pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, St Peter lets him pass. The Irishman pulls out his 10 inch cock and St Peter says "How the hell does that represent Christmas!" Paddy says "It's a fucking cracker isn't it"
--
A woman had never seen Santa Claus before, but on Christmas Eve night she heard someone come down her chimney so she went downstairs to check it out. ''Oh, it's Santa Claus" she said "Please stay and chat this is the first time I have met you". Santa replied "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady took off her robe, but Santa said "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady slipped off her nightgown and Santa told her "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" Then the lady removed her panties, and Santa said, ''Hey hey hey, I need to stay. I need to stay, 'cause I can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"
--
Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks".
Mum did NOT like this and told her son so. "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use NICE language!"
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon".
She hears the little boy continue "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!"
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food free. Lots of it! Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
With Christmas nearly upon us, I would like to share my personal experience with others about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a 'social session' with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than a few glasses of nice white wine, followed by a couple of bottles of rather good red, a Cointreau and a Bailey's.
Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. Sure enough, on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it on and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I'm not sure what to do with it.
So if anyone would like to borrow it, give me a call.
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A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist.
One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something 'chosen especially for you'. His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure.
On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.
There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is: WHO WAS THE SURVIVOR?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men please read on.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Sandy McTavish was walking the Macy's basement sale when, before his eyes on the sale table, was a bolt of the McTavish tartan! He'd been in New York for about six years and his kilt showed it, so the need was there, the price was right and he approached the sales woman.
"Lassie, ey'd like a yard an a haf o' the McTavish tartin". "Beg your pardon sir?" "Yard an a haf o' the McTavish tartin, I'm needin' a new kilt!" "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to show me the material you mean".
So he walked her over to the sale table and showed her what he wanted. "Sorry sir, that plaid only comes in three yard lengths" she said. "Ya dunna understand lassie, I dunna need three yards, I need a yard an a haf!" "I'm sorry sir, you don't understand, that plaid comes in three yard lengths, why not take a yard and a half, make your kilt, and take the other yard and a half and make a scarf for your girlfriend?"
It was clear that Sandy needed a new kilt and that he was going to have to buy three yards if he was going to get the McTavish tartan. "All ryut, I'll buy the three yards!"
He did and went home, made a new kilt and a scarf for his girlfriend. He was so pleased with his new kilt that he decided he'd go over and show it to her and let the scarf be a surprise. As he was running over to her house he forgot that the pattern he'd used was over six years old and he'd lost some forty pounds in the meantime. As a result, the new kilt slipped down off his waist, over his hips and was gone.
He got to her door and knocked. She saw him in the window and opened the door and as she did, he threw open his coat and said "Well! How dee ya lyke et?" She looked and thought a moment and replied "I guess I like it just fine". "Aye Lass, and there's another one n'a'half yards ye'll be gettin for Christmas!"
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa replied "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys".
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys".
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
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Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month; otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, comes a knock on his door, he opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00". "Great" says Jeff "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you".
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!" "Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em".
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too". "Well,I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well... I'll be there. Thanks again".
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too". "Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter... just gonna be the two of us!"
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise" he moaned "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse" she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face".
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit" Louise informed him "And he fired you".
"Well, fuck him" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday".
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS".
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem".
My work here is done. Please read on for some very important answers to your annoying questions...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Literally years of free entertainment for your perusal and arousal.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just jokes. See you first Thursday in January.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will cancel Christmas and give you cancer.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Welcome to the help you need, not the help you want.
Feel like I've been on fire comedicly lately although not sure everyone is picking up what I'm putting down. For example I cupped the GF's boobs the other day and made a "MOOOO" sound. Didn't even laugh. Next, I wore a hat with a mildly offensive message to a police function then told a friend it was "So these pigs know I'm better than them". No laugh, just a dirty look. What wasn't funny though, was when a little girl told me she had a dildo. Was. Fucking. Mortified. I thought this is the moment life as I know it ends. This is how an innocent man goes to jail. The gangs will make me their bitch and do that thing with the hose and barbed wire up the ass! Pulled my earphones out, gulped, and said "WHAT?" "I've got a dingo!" she proclaimed. The girl was telling me about her family's pet DINGO. Dingo/dildo - sounds the similar, get it? FML. Aaaand breath.
It's turning out to be a pretty standard Christmas season so far. No office parties to speak of (possibly because I don't have any, you know, colleagues) and have done absolutely 0 gift shopping. Basically no chance of receiving anything ordered online by this point so tomorrow is going to be a frustrating day of offline cuntyness trying to change that 0% to 100%. On the plus side I am actually looking forward to the big day for once. We're taking a radically new approach that makes the day more about spending time with each other and relaxing... something that hasn't typically been my experience. Sure it means not Christmasing it with extended family but I'm okay with that...!
Moving on (so to speak). It's been 4 years since my dog died. Some of you guys may remember me blogging this. That day fucking SUCKED. Didn't happen last year because we were travelling but on the nearest weekend of that anniversary we head to the dog beach. Saturday was the perfect day for it too - hot, sunny, hundreds of dogs and eye candy for days. She'd have been in her element. Of course there's always a few retards. We'd taken along a bouncy ball to play with. A dog runs up, grabs in its mouth, owner just stands and watches until the fucking thing pops it. "Oh sorry" shrugs and walks off. Gobsmacked.
Whatever that breed that was we aint getting one... and the great breed debate is always ongoing. The old situation was: large backyard, no kids, more spare time. The current situation is: the opposite. This means large breeds are out because unfair to coup one up in a small area, don't want anything that can or would destroy a child and I already have enough responsibilities to occupy me. Unfortunately this puts us in the realm of lap dog sized animals; dogs than can coexist indoors without needing much exercise and so on. The problem with that is no one can agree on what the right one is. Something low impact without being a homo is subjective. Can't see it happening anytime soon.
Managed to spend the rest of Saturday working through a list of stuff that needed doing around the house. The good news is that more than 3/4 of the list was completed. Everything from fertilising to mowing to cleaning windows to general maintenance got done. The bad news is I've thought of waaaay more stuff to add. My plan is to smash as much as possible this coming weekend, pump out the ginormous Christmas update then do absolutely fuck all for a few weeks.
Just as Saturday was winding down the phone rang and provided a long-awaited opportunity to head south and try out a burger joint. I follow these guys on Facebook, I follow numerous burger accounts on FB and Insta, actually I follow burgers more than anything... I like burgers. Don't judge. Anyway as I was saying - they post pics of their creations and they look amazing... or as amazing as you'll find on this side of the country. Short story short, we went there and the burger exceeded all expectations. Pic here. Check out Short Order next time you're in Freo. Also, feel free to direct suggestions of burger places in Perth to try, here. Note: if you're suggestion contains Grill'd please reassess your life.
Won't bother running through Sunday's events because no one in their right mind would deprive you of getting stuck into the update any longer. It's a beast that needs your love and attention. Check it...
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
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A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says okay and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in".
--
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
--
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture". The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway".
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HOW TO DEAL WITH STAR WARS FANATICS
-When someone starts going on about the life-changing role the Star Wars movies have played in their developmental years, casually announce that you've never seen any of them, but heard they are "pretty good".
-Call Harrison Ford Hans Solo instead of Han Solo. Ask if Luke is related to Hans.
-Get important terminology wrong. It drives the true fanatic nuts! Confuse Wookies with "Winkies", call Yoda "Yodel", refer to Return of the Jedi as "Revenge of the Jedi", call Darth Vader "Dark Vader", Phantom Menace as "Planet Menace". Flatly refuse to accept you are wrong when corrected.
-Refer to the originals as 1, 2, and 3.
-Get the names of the key characters wrong, or better still forget them. "You remember the guy from these movies, you know, the one with the plastic head and the breathing problem!" or "Oh, yeah, Ben-Wa Kenubi, my favourite, played by that English bloke. Wassisname. Sounds like a beer or something".
-Raise any questions regarding The Luke and Leia romance and that they are siblings. Refer to said romance as "Redneck Shit".
-Insist that The Empire Strikes Back is the only worthwhile Star Wars movie because it is "sooo dark".
-Say you like Jar Jar Binks; that she was just misunderstood.
-Deliberately confuse science fiction universes and inhabitants. Double fun and satisfaction as this offends two sets of rabid Nerdocracies at the same time. For example, insist that Luke Gripewater is fighting for "The Federation" and that Chewbaccy is a Vulcan. Insist that "To boldly go where no man has gone before" is a Jedi commandment. Brush off any attempt at correct with a dismissive "Whatever. As if anybody really fucking cares".
-Ask why you aren't watching them in chronological order.
-Make vaguely unsettling insinuations about George Lucas. Try "Isn't he involved in some sort of DNA-cloning controversy?" or "I hear he only talks to his mother via a TV monitor" or "I read this piece where he Lucas said that Star Wars was written for people who hate sex".
-Try to sound like Chewbacca without actually knowing how he sounds.
-Insist that there is a "latent homo-erotic subtext" to the Han Solo/Luke Skystalker relationship and that you are made uncomfortable by Lucas' "non-critical, neo-Nazi aesthetic". When asked what the fuck you are on about, roll your eyes and refer to the "blatant homage to Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will" at the end of the first movie, then add "Don't tell me you didn't notice?"
-Annoy star wars fans by pronouncing the word "menace" in Phantom Menace the same way you pronounce Versace.
-When some sad fuck describes the insane lengths they went to see The Phantom Menace - camping out on the street, taking time off work, neglecting loved ones, not bathing and so on, respond by saying that someone "in the business" gave you a couple of free tickets to the official opening, but you lost them and add "Funny, that's the first time I thought about it".
-When they just won't shut up about how it's the most spectacular movie event of all time and how you would have to be a moron not to dedicate every waking moment to it, simply say "Yeah, my little sister and her little friends get a kick out of it all, you know how it is with these pop space movies".
-Sit there and listen while they are talking about how it's so true to the original and won't shut up about how painstakingly the director attempted to create the depth and interest of the original films. Then, simply say "Jar Jar Brinks sucks a donkey's cock and the whole movie was made to market cheap Taiwanese toys at Burger King with his face plastered all over it".
-When the guy starts talking about when he was sitting in the theatre borderline about to have a stroke watching Phantom Menace, casually say "Yeah, I thought the ending was good, when my friends woke me up just towards the last quarter".
-The ultimate is to play stupid that the movie was even a big event. "Rogue One? Yeah, I saw something about it online. Something about the guy that made the first films failed so now someone else is attempting to save the franchise?? Dunno..."
-When they tell you the lengths they went through and the sleepless nights spent trying to get a pirated copy before everyone got to see it in the theatre, tell them "That's funny, I simply called the 1-800 number that was all over the Internet and got it mailed to me the same day, 3 weeks before the movie came out".
Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!
A man went to a specialist in Sydney, having seen a job ad for a Gynaecological Assistant.
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details. She retrieved the file and read to him:
"This job entails preparing ladies for the gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the gynaecologist's examination".
Then she told him "The annual salary is $65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Mandurah". (100 km away)
"My goodness!" exclaimed the man "Is that where the job is?" "No" She answered "that's where the end of the queue is!"
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The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie" the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No" he cut her off "I must see Natalie".
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, did their business, then the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts - it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room, did their business and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied "I'm from Philadelphia". "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there". "Yes, I know" said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God" his wife gasped "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while".
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
30 girls who have combined their favourite hobby with ours...
The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey" says he to his new bride "I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, Coochy-Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer". "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six places he's never even heard of.
The husband is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know... the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll" hubby says a bit desperately "but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But, Sweetie, Honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here... DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said: "I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible". Joe replied "Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I ever saw! She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle!"
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say "You foreigners! Please come in. Come into my humble shop".
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you". Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "THE FEET! THE FEET! YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. EVERY Orsm update ever. If you start now you may be finished by Christmas (2017!)
-Next update will be next Thursday. Last mothercunter for the year. I've been working my ass off on it. She's huge. Don't miss it.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will say some stuff about you that you WON'T like believe me.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off my chair. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.12.08-18.27
Welcome to putting the fun in funeral.
Just so we're clear - at no point this week did it look like this update would happen. The GF was a plane ride away for a work something something leaving me to deal with everything on the home front. I'm equipped to handle most things - with some reasonably brutal morning sickness making itself known for the past month or two I've been active in kitchen and laundry departments anyway so -in my mind- removing the mother character temporarily was just going to make my life easier... there'd actually be less to do... right?
And that boys and girls, is how you temp fate... with an overinflated opinion of your abilities.
Sure enough, as the GF boarded her flight, things turned to shit. First was that polite call from daycare where they said 'the poor little thing seems a bit off' followed by an awkwardly forceful call where they use nice words to say 'get it the fuck out of here NOW'. Did that. Visited a nurse friend for a check of all the vitals then headed home with a lot of whining. Things of course continued to slide and no one got much sleep that night. Burnt through an industrial quantity of disinfecting wipes cleaning stomach contents off carpet, floors and walls as well as a commercial volume of washing machine soap whilst sanitising cushions, clothes and bed linen.
Was pretty bloody happy when the GF rolled in Tuesday night and we've been on a slow road to recovery since. The shenanigans sapped a lot of time out of my update schedule which has meant I've had to actually be busy as opposed to look busy. I've even had to not watch TV whilst sitting at the computer. Oh the humanity.
Even though with another couple of paragraphs I'd technically have enough to call this a complete blog post, I'm going to post a fruck load of jokes here instead. K? K. Check it...
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy". A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong". They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide" she said "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
--
A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "Behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. What is it?" she asked. "An apple" replied little Raymond "No" said the teacher "It's a tomato but it shows your thinking". "I've now got something round, a greenish colour, you can eat it". "An apple?" replied little Ian. "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking". Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's a couple inches long, white and it has a red end". "Dirty little boy" said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking" he answered.
--
"Honey" said this husband to his wife "I invited a friend home for supper". "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that". "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married".
--
Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time" said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time" repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said "Because my brother might be coming!"
--
"Of course I won't laugh" said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient". "Okay then" said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry" she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" Bob replied.
--
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture topic and on to his favourite subject - the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors about marijuana. "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor" interrupted a student. "Castration?!" "You bet son" replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the munchies?"
--
A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said "Let's get off the corner". No one moved, so he barked again "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good "replied the veteran "considering this is a bus stop".
--
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied "I'd like to have some birth control pills". Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied "They help me sleep better". The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night".
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says "Um... no... um... what happened?" The neighbour replies "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
--
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of her weight. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".
--
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think ya doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill meself". Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit. By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and her eleven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
Suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. Her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses, and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in the Federal Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
Two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says "Okay, suit yourself" and continues to eat everything - skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat". And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half-digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid" she thought as she fell. "What a way to die".
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "SLUT!" he said, and dropped her.
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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
As the gate began to open the man asked "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump," said the man.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo. Now you see. Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding stuff to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain it. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward emails. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how - you forward stuff. A 'forward' lets you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still cared for. So, next time if you get a 'forward', don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your driver's license and vehicle registration please". The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
Two gay dudes were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it.
One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.
When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.
The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted "WOULDN'T YOU BE? THAT BIG APE HASN'T CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.
When he was done pinching a loaf, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall saying "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean".
The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realises that although it's nasty, that he had no choice...
So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the man's fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Done it? Do it again!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Second last cunt for the year. :-)
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will do unspeakable things to you that I unfortunately cannot speak about.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and suffer in ya jocks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.12.01-19.39
Welcome to true believers. Blessings of the State, blessings of the masses. Work hard, increase production, prevent accidents and be happy.
The craziest thing I've seen all week - we were at a playground which the little one loves. It's always surrounded by mums keen to have a break from their monsters. Anyway, sitting there, a young mum strollers up with her maybe 6 month old. Mum was at first noticeable not because of her age [18 or 19 at most] but the shockingly nasty titties under the far too tight boob tube wrapped around them. But this isn't about her horrible misshapen boobies and being critical of strangers. Nope. We watched on incredulously as she pulled the pacifier out of her baby's mouth, popped the lid off a red Powerade and let the little fella suck away. "He loves this stuff!" she said to her friend. When he'd had enough sugar he was given a Pringle in each hand. You like all that salt and highly processed chemicals, little buddy? Gotta be a form of child abuse loading them up with such bad shit. It's bad enough when a grownup eats it, can only be grossly multiplied for an infant plus there are countless long-term health effects. I'm reminded of a train ride we took in Victoria heading back to the city from somewhere east. We were sat near a woman and her son who was prob 5 or 6 years old. In one hand a huge bag of M&M's, in the other a large bottle of Coke. It wasn't even mid-morning. Mum was a druggo (she was taking about drugs, partying etc) and they were off to whichever children's hospital because the boy was receiving treatment for cancer. Often wonder what happened to him and if terrible parenting decisions and filling him full of shit contributed to it. The lesson here is: people are idiots.
Moving on to talking about me, my life and Saturday... which was warm. No fucking idea what the temp was so just take my word for it. We kicked off at the beach around 7am. Remember when it was just you and the beach arrival time was half past whenever the fuck you wanted and not as dictated by a small child? If you don't have kids - cling to that. Actually now I say this... my mind springs back to when I had an oversized dog who'd wake me up early on weekend days to hit the beach so fuck knows what idyllic time I'm thinking of. *shrug* Anyway... the beach was unsurprisingly busy and perving opportunities were many. Walked up and down ankle deep while try-try-trying not to inhale a fly which were at plague proportions. We also got out of there not that long before a snorkeler was dragged from the water. Reports are unclear what actually happened but despite CPR and whatever he died on the beach. I've got mixed emotions about this. If you could choose how you're going to die then surely at the beach on a beautiful morning would be high on your list. On the other hand, you wouldn't expect as you walked down to the ocean for a dip it would be for the last time. RIP mate.
Got home to whip up some motherfucking eggs and just hang. Summer officially begins today and my goal is to start as many days as possible in the same fashion. Next up I wanted to clean some outside windows. Must've been some Pterodactyl sized creatures in the area because there was disturbingly large bird poops squirted around and it seemed like good enough excuse to wash down. 7 or 8 years ago a mate long-term loaned me his pressure washer. They were moving overseas; I promised to return when they do. In that time it's hardly been used. It's a cheapy and age has made the hose rust/crack/breakdown. Its borderline unusable so now either have to buy a new hose ($90) or replace the whole thing ($150). Kind of a waste of money so tried instead to fix. That prompted a hardware store run, $13 in special silicon repair tape and an hour or so. Carefully followed the instructions, applied the tape then fired the washer up and the watched as the repair instantly bubbled and popped. The lesson here is: cunt.
My next trick was the lawnmower. There's 2 tiny patches of lawn that take minutes to mow. I've got a mower and for some reason decided the two tiny patches would benefit from sharper blades. "Easy" I said. Never done it before but how hard can it be? A couple of hours, yet another hardware store visit to get replacement parts that I broke, an oil spill, quite a lot of skin removed from my hands and those mower blades were sharper than the wit you'll find in my blog. And the lawn after cutting with newly sharpened blades? Absolutely no discernible difference from cutting with dull blades. Zero. None. The lesson here is: if there's a hard way to do something, I'll find it.
Rest of the weekend was uneventful. More stuff around the house, worked on the Orsm Christmas update, caught up with friends and ate some noodles. If that doesn't inspire you then todays update may well do. It's a beast... with a raging sugar addiction. Check it...
This guy visits the doctors and says "Doc... I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore". The doctor says "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you". The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife "Take off your clothes and lie on the table". She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard on either".
--
An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live". "But Doctor" Bill replied "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day". Excitedly Bill asked "And that will cure me?" "No" replied the doctor "but it will get you used to the dirt".
--
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example" he suggested "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go". The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay" the hesitant wife agreed "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house".
--
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire".
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HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE IN LOVE, LUST, OR MARRIED?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE when intercourse is called making love. LUST all other times. MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have. LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE when you argue over money.
LOVE when you share everything you own. LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything.
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi". LUST when you phone each other just to organise sex. MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE when you write poems about your partner. LUST when all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE when all you write are cheques.
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings. LUST when you couldn't give a rip. MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling". LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent.
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake.
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE when nobody else matters. LUST when nobody else knows. MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap. MARRIAGE when you never listen to music.
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does. LUST when you're only interested in one thing. MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.
WHAT A GIRL SEES galleries previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon.
"So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished".
His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhoea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish".
His friend replies "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You shoulda just made her do it!" Bob replies "Nah, she had gonorrhoea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished".
His friend, now quite upset, says "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well" says Bob "she had diarrhoea... and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished".
His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish...!!"
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realised that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.
Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realised that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.
The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks".
Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet!"
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THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME:____________________
GANG NAME:______________________
1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
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Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me" Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
Earl excitedly replies "Tell me the good news first".
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl". "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night".
VINTAGE NUDISTS BECAUSE SOME THINGS ARE BEST NOT FORGOTTEN
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says "It's my birthday today". "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker. "33" says the man. "Well, have a good day" says the worker. "Thank you" replied the man.
To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady "It's my birthday today". "Oh, happy birthday" says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me" interjects the old lady "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is". "Oh yeah? What's that then" asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are" says the old lady. "I don't believe it". "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then" replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says "Oh, okay then, you can do it". After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly" she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office" said the lady.
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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".
GETTING READY TO GO OUT... ITS BETTER THAN GUYS CAN IMAGINE!
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".
The second Catholic man chirps "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".
The third Catholic gent says "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".
The fourth Catholic man then says "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle "Well...?" She proudly replies "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say "Oh My God!"
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes". To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body" the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try" she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs" the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try" she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"
Well what can I say? This update was a lot of fun to stick together. They aren't all like that. Hopefully you fuckers enjoyed. If you did, read on. If not, suck shit.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows daily on to your favourite social network. Trust me when I say its a fucking great way to clog up your newsfeed.
-Check out the archives. Its what good people don't do. So most of you will find your happy place there...
-Next update will be next Thursday. Third last for the year w00t.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray talk to you about everything he believes is a conspiracy. You definitely definitely definitely don't want that!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and and hold in your farts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
