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| orsmupdate 2009.12.22-19.18 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Very Merry.
'Yippidee'... best sums up my current mood. I'm giddier than a fat chick that's just picked up a drunk guy - and how could I not be? There's a lot to love about this time of year - the much needed break is imminent, Christmas obligations are already half over, the sun gods are shining their pearly whites AND I won $30 in lotto. My only complaint is the humidity which has at times left me sweatier than a netballer's vagina. Pretty typical for this time of year so I'm not exactly surprised but like the flasher said "I'll just stick it out".
It was an odd feeling having skipped last week's update. Until then it was 49 consecutive Thursdays of Orsmness so in some ways I have failed you. Truth be told, everything was pretty much done and ready to roll on time but in the interests of longevity [read: more downtime for yours truly] it was pushed back a few days. Why did I not think of this trick sooner...?
Anyway today is officially my last work day for the year which leaves me with two days to do Christmas shopping and catch up with friends who are in town. Can't help thinking that I'm overlooking something but until I realise what that is it should be smooth sailing.
Christmas Day. One side of the family get together was a couple of weekends back to accommodate the holiday jetsetters. That all went superbly, no bullshit, everyone happy. Now all I have to get through is a lunch thing then I'm home free. I could cite numerous December 25th's where I wished the day was over before it began and now that it's effectively been halved the potential for catastrophe is reduced. Obviously this no guarantee there won't be any drama because with my fam there always is. I'd be most shocked if someone doesn't take offense at someone or something that ultimately ends in a walkout followed by the rhetorical "Why does it have to be like this every year?" a guilt laden "I didn't do anything! You saw what happened!" and finally 3-6 months of not talking by the parties concerned.
New Years. Ideally there would be an option which involved hitting an awesome club and running amok until 6am and then spending the next day or two partying like it was the year. Sadly though, I'm not 21, there are no awesome clubs, I can't handle two day benders anymore and am just as happy pouring myself into bed by 3am and being functional the next day so the current plan is: hit our favourite bar, get drunk and try to avoid being glassed.
Okay I should probably start wrapping this blog thing up... starting with how I've loved every minute of '09. Managed to hit almost everything I set out to including some house renovations, quitting smoking plus a bunch of personal stuff I'll refrain from airing publically [for your sake and mine...]. The hours poured into running this monster were absolutely insane also but with the changes I assure you guys are coming, hopefully I can reverse that a bit heading into the new year and reclaim some of my life.
Huge thankyou's to everyone who submitted, surfed by regularly or otherwise and told their mates about Orsm - without you guys my life really would have no point. Absolutely massive thankyou's to some of the more regular contributors including: Seymore, Bruce, Terry, Supaduck, Virginia, Neal, Stuart K, Mike N Cathy, mike, Michael, dale, Ross Mac, Al G, OneMan, Jd, RW, Gordon, cunnox, Dubs, Ed27th, Colin, neil, Cam, Bobby, bill, Annie, Peter R, Gene, Iain, Jay, Kevin, Mark, nmwot, Paul G, sean dot, Greg, Shane M, Shane O, Steven S, Tim, xitz and Sami. I love all you guys and girls in a completely non-gay way. Apologies to anyone I've missed and hope you will all join me in 2010 for a bigger and better one. So now without further ado - check it...
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Got Game? - Beer Xmas - Amazing Mouth - Farting Santa - Tasty Taylor - Outrun Ellin - Denise Milani - Bounce On It
Granma Freakout - JLH Awesomeness - Still Hilarious - Religious Retards - Lo-hotness - Marisa Miller - Pee'd Off
Making A Point - Vanessa Hudgens - ROTJ Meltdown - Fire Fart - Unsexy Bitch - Auto-Tune '09 - Misa Campo
A woman with a clipboard just knocked at my door and asked me if we would have an African child for Christmas. We normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I'll try anything once.
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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful cunts. All I said was "hurry up for fucks sake - some of us have homes to go to!"
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.
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A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK?"
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Two girls were comparing their experiences at the company's annual Christmas party. "Did you get laid, Sherry?" "Twice." "Only twice?" "Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!
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Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? A: My bike.
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Tampax has announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only...
ORSM
CHRISTMAS VIDEO
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you okay?" he asks.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas! I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is."36" replied the man."Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" he chuckled.
RANDOM SHITE
Somewhere in the multiverse RS isn't random at all. Check it...
Late last December, a week before Christmas when its product was at its height of sales nationwide, a fire started inside the famed Garfield, NJ, Italian sausage factory. Within ten minutes, the building was engulfed in flames.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, sausage company president
P. J. Mancinelli, went over to the chief and told him that all of the family's 'secret' sausage recipes were in the vault in the centre of the plant, and offered to donate $50,000 to the fire company if it saved them.
The blaze quickly became a five-alarm inferno, additional departments were called in as the situation became more desperate and the chances of getting to the safe containing the recipes looked hopeless, regardless of the reward.
Onlookers and fire-fighters watched as an old fire truck of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire Department, composed mainly of Italian fire-fighters over the age of 65, raced into view with siren screaming, the fire-fighters pounding on the sides of the truck.
The badly faded red 1932 Ford truck drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other fire fighters watched in amazement as the old Italians jumped off and attacked the fire like men possessed. Within a short time the Lodi old timers had beaten the fire back in the middle of the building and saved the 'secret' recipes.
Company president Mancinelli announced that for such a "superhuman accomplishment" he was upping his donation to $100,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the elderly Italian fire-fighters, particularly the Chief.
A local TV news crew had been covering the fire and the reporter asked the Italian fire chief what he was going to do with all the money.
"Wella," said 70-year-old Lodi fire chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, "de fursta ting we gonna do isa fixa de brakes ona dat fuckin' truck!"
ORSM
VIDEO
DIET TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
| LELA STAR |
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Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks?
What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A- BITCH.
Sincerely, Little Johnny
ORSM
VIDEO
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
| DREAM GARAGES |
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During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."
Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
| DRUNK GIRLS |
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READER MAIL
If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and your fellow Orsm'ers would be eternally grateful and remove you from the blanket curse I've placed on everyone who hasn't. On the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here and make it all happen
< with held> wrote:
Subject: shit parking job notes
Hi there, just letting the other ORSMites know that if someone's parked in two spaces and they've got a cripple parking pass, don't scratch their fucking cars! I've been left an unfriendly note despite leaving my cripple pass in full view because I had no choice but to park in two spaces because I can't get my wheelchair out into a single space and other motherfuckers - who are sometimes NOT crippled - have taken all the retard spots. |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Christmas Decorations
Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations. The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. I think I made him too real this time. But it was fun while it lasted. ;) |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Wog boy number plate.
I saw this plate yesterday. For our overseas viewers, WOG is a term of alleged endearment that we use to describe or even address New Australians, generally from Europe. We have other names for Middle Easterns & Asians, but Wog is a long-term name that has become accepted to the point that the Wogs themselves have embraced it. I'll leave it to you to work out what the numbers refer to. |
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Wes wrote:
Subject: Hey mate
Found this listing in Craigslist in Chicago. Figured it was a screencap right up your alley. Please withhold my info. Thanks |
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Phil wrote:
Subject: Product placement.
Howdy Mr. Orsm. A very avid viewer of your site but a first time contributer, I bought these products from a local dairy yesterday.While they were not together on a shelf just imagine the novelity sales that could be generated if they were. Hard to beat a big cock with 10% more nuts!!! |
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jkix wrote:
Subject: Found this on craigslist
And we are left wondering what happened??? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: God likes doing blow
Snapped this pic somewhere over I believe New Mexico a few years ago. Looks like someone upstairs was cutting up some lines of cloud. Please withhold info.
Reminds me of New Years... -Orsm
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Bus Bench
While idling in blizzard raffic, I managed to get a pic of this bus bench; I'm sure we've all met a woman who should be called this. |
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Bruce wrote:
Subject: Cape Town medical technology at it's best
Greetings, Orsm. Just to let people know that if they are visiting SA for the world cup, they mustn't worry about the quality of the medical care available in Cape Town. We have the best! |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Kevin in Heaven
If Kevin dies he may become a saint. Lets just hope so hey...
Hard denying that's how he sees himself. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nasty Skank
Hey Orsm. Great site. I met this skank in Mississippi. She used her kids child support money to pay for her breast implants.lol. Here are the before and after pics and a few extra. Shes also in the Air Force. I hope you enjoy please exclude my info. Thanks |
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Bruce wrote:
Subject: A bear's den in winter..WOW PHOTOS!
The State of Maine 's Dept. of Wildlife administers health treatment to adult and baby bears in hibernation (dental check-ups, etc). Wait 'till you see these photos, documenting the work they did to do a health check on a mother bear while watching over her cubs while the mother was having dental treatment. The sleepy heads were then replaced in the den by the rangers. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Nothing runs like a Deer...
Medic 1 and Medic 2 responded to a farm-tractor / train accident north of McColl. Arrived on scene to find a John Deere tractor having been struck by a freight train. The tractor driver and train engineer both escaped injury. In the pictures below you can see the entire front of the tractor having been ripped off. The tractor motor, lying on the ground, was still running. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Possible Record Moose
Darin Mack almost didn't hunt Alaska with his son this fall. "Money was a little tight but my wife and I talked it over and decided it was now or maybe never." They chose now, and on September 23rd, with his son by his side, Mack arrowed what may be the new world-record Alaska-Yukon moose. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: exgirlfriend
Mr orsm.. ex from the past.. just got these pics today.. please hide details. enjoy
If it wasn't already clear - boobs make me smile. Thank you kind sir. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Freaks at an Aussie birthday party, from Facebook.
Some more shit for your great site. Hold my details blah blah blah
Cinderella called... wants her sisters back... -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Honey, would you start the car for me?
Idaho Kitties. This gives new meaning to the phrase "Honey would you go outside and warm up the car for me." These were taken in Grangeville, Idaho, off Cove Road. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic Submission - Soon to be Ex Wife Maybe Category
Dear Mr ORSM, Would be much obliged if you throw these pics up on your site. Not sure which category though.... if you have a 'Soon to be ex wife but can't make up my mind if she should be or not' category then put it in there. Comments regarding what daft fool I'd be are not going to welcome cause I'm already going out of my head trying to decide, so STFU. Cheers anyway, love your work blah blah. Hide my details cause I know the boys at work love oggling the boobies here every Friday. ciao. PS The missus loves your jokes and random shite BTW. |
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Kano wrote:
Subject: Video for your Site...
Hey dude, after years of visiting you site i thought it must be time to pay my dues... Here is the first Vid. Watch as this Model takes a Slip up.. Kano.. Radelaide..
The hotter they are, the more it hurts to watch. This made me cry. -Orsm
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Kano wrote:
Subject: Boxing Boobs..
You gotta Love Wii.... Hope you enjoy Boxing Boobs at HQ Complex.
Turns out that yes I DO enjoy boxing boobs. -Orsm |
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ORSM
VIDEO
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CATCH YA NEXT YEAR MISS!"
| BROOKE AND JESSI |
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RANDOM SHITE
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
| TINY TITS [BIG ISN'T ALWAYS BETTER] |
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Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!"
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they all are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a bucket, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said: 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf"... and she said: "Here, you'll need a sweater".
| BRAZILIAN BABES |
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A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh, Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh, Santa. Please. Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney this way!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well dudes that brings to an end updates for 2009...but before I go...
Frohe Weihnachten und einen guten Rutsch ins Neue Jahr
Nadolig llawen a blwyddyn newydd dda
즐거운 성탄절 보내세요 및 새해 복 많이 받으세요
Prettige kerstdagen en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
Selamat hari natal dan tahun baru
Buon Natale e felice anno nuovo
Καλά Χριστούγεννα!
Gëzuar Krishtlindjet e Vitin e Ri
أجمل التهاني بمناسبة الميلاد و حلول السنة الجديدة
Feliz Navidad y próspero año nuevo!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
- Check out the site archives. Really - what else are you going to do?
- Next update will not be next Thursday. See you in a couple.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will correctively rape you. PS. Say goodbye to my friend Ray.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, get on the chems and please be careful on the roads - the person you hurt may be someone I know and I wouldn't like that very much. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.12.10-23.01 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it...
Howdy dawg's and bitches, bro's and ho's, painters. Thanks for joining me.
Not surprisingly this has been a ridiculously busy week. Comes with the territory this time of year although it's not really for reasons cool. December is the only month in which it sucks working solo. Why? No office Christmas party! No getting drunk and doing all the cliché stuff people apparently do when the boss is paying for food and grog. Working online and being geographically dislocated from most of the people and companies I deal with doesn't help much either.
Instead what I have is a rush to get everything finished so as to maximise holiday downtime. Last year was the record - somehow managed to stretch it almost three weeks. Don't think I've ever started a year so relaxed and ready to go but believe me I'll be giving it a shot starting in a week or so.
Moving on. Honestly the next person that mentions emission trading, Copenhagen, global warming, carbon tax, climate change or greenhouse gas is getting a punch in the mouth. It's already forced me to stop listening to the radio because every fucking hour on the fucking hour is yet another story about it.
I just can't work out what the politicians and media are thinking - seems to be all they ever talk about and it staggers me to think it will be a major election issue. Funnily enough I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with anyone about any of this shit. That's right. No one cares. No one cares because there's no point. We all worked out long ago that public opinion is irrelevant - the decisions are made to benefit those who stand to gain the most and the rest of us will be saddled with the cost. The least they could do is stop pretending we care.
Must be wedding season. In the last week five invites have arrived. That makes one January wedding, three over consecutive weekends in February, one down south in March and then two in April on the same weekend, one local then my sis's the following day back down south. Going to be a few very fucking expensive, very fucking drunk months although I suppose it does in some way make up for lack of Xmas party invites...
Okay let me quickly run through my weekend. Don't roll your eyes... you know you wanna know...
Saturday was hot. Not obnoxiously but still noteworthy so I planned to do as little as possible. Admittedly it would have been prudent to use the day for Christmas shopping but as there is still no arrangement [read: agreement] on family present buying there wasn't much point subjecting myself to the maddening crowds. Instead we put on a DVD... the relatively disappointing 'Knowing' with a clearly wigged-up Nicholas Cage. All I will say is why didn't they just snatch and grab? Why the 50 years of preamble?
Sunday should be the model for all Sundays. Washed car, tended to garden, quick shower, beer at some new pub followed by a cruise down the coast. Screw that. It should be the model for EVERY day.
Alright that will do us for the blog babble. No doubt I make some valid and interesting points but all anyone really wants is to skip to the good stuff. So... check it...
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Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A paedophile.
--
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? A: You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!
--
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb? He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken!" "Fuck you ya bastard! You're having fuckin' soup. I was talking to the cat."
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It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at the church, my wife waiting at the altar. I walked up the aisle, kissed him on the cheek, smiled... and closed the lid!
--
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
--
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless! He stands back and tells Elton "your turn". Elton bursts into tears. "What's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"
| ABBEY COPS A POUNDING |
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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask...?" "Well she just died and left me everything."
ORSM
VIDEO
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there! His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie! Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!" The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in their right mind could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"
| SELF SHOT HUNNIES |
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A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape.
"That was beautiful," said the dad. The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowns and says, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.
The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive." Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old whisky, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
| ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE |
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READER MAIL
Absolutely phenomenal amounts of email coming through from you guys lately. Read it all, love it all. If you've got something you wanna say or share then drop me a line here.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Worn Fan Blades...
Dear orsm, Long time reader yada yada, After years visiting your site every week for my fix, I finally have something to contribute. Unfortunately it has no breasts. The 'worn fan blades' story you posted is funny but false. (But who doesnt like a laugh at the chinese? Lets not let the truth get in the way of a good story!) The real story is still impressive, however. This engine was from a DHL airliner hit just after takeoff by a surface to air missile near Baghdad. The missile hit the left wingtip, severing all 3 independent control systems, meaning the aircraft could only be controlled by changing engine power. Nevertheless the crew managed to land it safely back in Baghdad and walked to safety from the end of the runway through a minefield. Check it out here. |
Davie wrote:
Subject: BMW Engine Failure
Hey Orsm, This looks like a diesel engine with too much oil. As the engine heats up, the oil start to blowback through the crankcase and eventually finds it's way into the turbo. It then starts a chain reaction where the oil becomes the fuel and not diesel. Killing the ignition won't help. The engine needs to be stopped turning. Choices include blocking the air inlet or picking a gear and dropping the clutch. Otherwise, the engine revs itself apart.
... thus proving just because you can afford a BMW doesn't mean you are smart. -Orsm
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Liam wrote:
Subject: Obama Phone
Dear ORSM. Interesting story about the Obama Phones, and mad as it sounds the free cell phone for US welfare recipients exists, only the scheme was brought into existence in 1997 by his royal Bushness. See here. Great site btw! |
Carlie wrote:
Subject: B&S Balls
The B&S Ball 15 years ago........ Where country males and females danced the night away hoping to find a suitable marriage partner... Or just get blind drunk and pick up! Today's B&S ball.... Where the fattest and most ugliest chicks (bushpigs) go to pick up unsuspecting blind drunk young men. I am a slim farmer chick who used to love going to a B&S ball to met a lovely country fella.... The Bushpig fatarse women have now scared these blokes away and it's really pissing me off! The average size of a rum drinking bushpig at a B&S ball would be at least a size 18. Most of these bushpigs would never have seen a sheep yet they travel 100's of kms to travel to a 'country' B&S ball. FUCK OFF BUSHPIGS!!!!!! Sincerly, Farmer wants a husband
My heart goes out to you all the decent, hard working country girls wronged by bushpigs but long story short there is an easy fix - show more boob. -Orsm
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connors wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Australia prefers boys
Can safely say that this is not true for everyone. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contribution Photo
Dr Mr Orsm, Long time viewer, first time poster. Here is a photo that was sent to me from a couple looking for a couple, this is one freaky pussy that is NOT appealing at all.... Kind of scary actually. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Maybe the fat wife is why the trailer floor is broken!
Found this on my local Craigslist, maybe the fat wife is why the trailer floor is broken! Please hide my details!
More people should offer this. FYI ladies I am an very good at fixing computers. If you have any problems and huge boobs please email me. -Orsm
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Big M wrote:
Subject: Had to go for a ride last night
The wife bitched me out last night, for walking through the house with my boots on again. So I decided to jump on the bike and go for a quick spin, to cool down... Boy, that pissed her off even more!!!
"It was an accident" may not work in this situation. -Orsm
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John wrote:
Subject: Pampers for Gypsy kids !
Pampers for Gypsy kids !
The pee pipe is ingenious. -Orsm
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Grant wrote:
Subject: One for the ETS boys.
Extreme Narcissism can lead to the selection of friends that look as yourself.
That's fucking disturbing. -Orsm
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Obi wrote:
Subject: Photo in Vietnam
Hey Orsm. How are you going? Just recently moved to Vietnam and found this shop while walking around. Cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: RS
Dude, Thought you could use this. Appeared today: The Age, 3 December, 2009. No details, cheers. |
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: Poker Her? Yes I would.
Unfortunate blanking out of the 'o' on the end. No email please Mr Orsm.
Don't mind if I do... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A ho I was fucking with
Long time reader, first time contributor. Here's a ho from Jackson, TN who is fucking around on her husband. No details please! |
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Scuba Steve from Gosnells wrote:
Subject: Girl
G'day, this is me missus and her sash she one at the Kelmscott show the othar weak.
Just what every guy wants! Top stuff, love. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Iraq
Hey ORSM!!! Great site blah blah blah.... I'm out here in Iraq and they sometimes have a block on the site cause they deem it "porn" I say its a moral booster! Well anyway Here are some pics of what I do out here.... Kick down doors and snatch bad guys out of bed.. Just so their bad guy friends can boost them out of jail in a few days with a fist full of money. PS the last one is an ad my friend put up outside of his room.... I have tons more pics... bloody ones too dont know if you want those or not. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Engineering Math Question
A trackhoe weighing 22 tons is on top of a lowboy trailer and heading east on Interstate 70 near Hays, Kansas. The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, re-inforced with 1.5 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a diamond pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing. The driver was on his cell phone... |
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Jeremiah wrote:
Subject: whore ex-gf
hey orsm, huge fan for about a year. first time contributor. i just want the whole world to see what a whore my ex-gf is. i'm sure you've gotten this email a million times before. so to stand out and ensure my place in the orsm archives, i've included my last correspondence with her. i don't give two shits if you post my details or not. she'll know it was me, when her friends come to her and say "holy shit, i saw your wide gaping vagina on orsm..." i wish i never broke up with her, for the sole reason that she can suck a mean dick. i've got videos too, but my email provider says they're too big to attach. give me a means and i send them too...enjoy |
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R1 Stooge wrote:
Subject: Road trains
Road trains At Helen Springs Cattle Station Australian NT!!! Good Luck passing this lot on the road!! |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Telehandler vs Powerline
Ooops.. -Orsm
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claw57 wrote:
Subject: the timber cutter
hi orsm. been a fan of the site for a couple of years now thought you might like to see these pic,s. is a guy that lives at the end of our street, thought the tree in his yard looked a bit different and notice he,d been slowly cutting it down the number of ladders was amazing and how he never fell, but he got the job done ... cheers |
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Kévin wrote:
Subject: A video for your site if you want :)
Hi, I'm kévin, I'm french and I've 20. This video is me on my bike there is 5 years ago. It's a big stunt wheeling on a road. Find enclosed my video. Thanks. Have a good day :).
First I was like WTF is this... but considering it's non stop you have to be at least slightly impressed. -Orsm
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ORSM
VIDEO
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, WHIP ME!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
| BEACH BUTTS |
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|
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During a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop dead gorgeous - tall, well built, with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this".
| 1930'S AMERICA |
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A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out and told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while but the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."
| TYRE ART |
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In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was fucking his wife.
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that may be the end of the update but it also gives me at least two more opportunities to use 'penultimate' and suchly this is the penultimate update for 2009 and the decade. Sweet. I can practically smell the holidays. Anyway... I suggest you read the following...
- Check out the site archives. ???
- Next update will be next Thursday. ???
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray ???
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.12.03-21.49 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Who loves you and WHO DO YOU LOVE!?
Holy shitting fuckshit - where-o-where did December come from? One second it's all cold and wintery and the next summer is here... officially anyway. Not that I would dare complain or possibly jinx it... obviously summer brings with it low cut tops, short skirts, bikinis, nipple slips and eye-candy everywhere. Being deprived of that for any reason would be what finally breaks me...
All the talk this week has been about the Danny Green vs. Roy Jones Jr. fight held in Sydney last night. My Facebook newsfeed yesterday was ablaze with "Go Greeny!" status updates and replies either supporting or predicting how long he would last [round three was it Dubs...?]. I umm'd and ahh'd about ordering it on pay per view until I realised it was $50. That's a deal breaker, ladies. Especially when you consider with a total fight time of 2 minutes the cost works out to 41 cents a second... not really worth it when five minutes after it started you could watch the whole thing online for free.
Moving on... I got seriously into the latest Star Trek movie on Saturday night. Matter of fact it was the sci-fi fix I've long been chasing. Thoroughly enjoyed from the beginning to the end and perhaps got a little over enthusiastic in the process particularly with the volume, particularly with the subwoofer.
Oddly, this leads me back to a subject I've covered a few times in 2009 - unnecessarily early sleep disruptions and wakeups due to external factors beyond my control. What the fuck am I talking about right? Well it's like this...
6.30am Sunday I awoke to a loud rumble pretty much shaking the whole house. Thinking whatever it was would stop soon I rolled over and tried going back to sleep... but it persisted. Until the point curiosity [read: annoyance] got the better of me and I got up to look out a window... and there it was - a rather large front end loader parked in the neighbour's driveway, null operator, just idling away... for over 30 minutes. Honestly - I can't work out any logical reason for this except as a sort of hate fuck against yours truly. Firstly, I know it's owned by a relative, second they weren't having any work done - so why else would it be there at that time?
Obviously the volume of my wannabe home entertainment system is louder than I realise and this was a passive aggressive 'neighbourly' way of alerting me to the fact. Well dudes - message received. But as I mentioned above this isn't the first early wakeup, it's one of numerous others, so I'm beginning to wonder if this is just the latest hint that I've been bugging them with 90 minutes of rumbling every time a DVD goes on OR is it possible that we're just both as unknowingly inconsiderate as each other...? Only one -muted- way to find out...
Alright let's get on with the update. Same as last week I've had to stray from the usual format. This time Reader Mail gets the chop because I've been [insert whatever excuse you like here] and didn't have the time to get through it. Admittedly that will suck for the majority of you dudes because there've been some stellar submissions that will have to wait a week. The upside though is mail gets replaced with a whole bunch of new video clips.
That reminds me actually - the Xmas break is rapidly approaching and I'm trying to work out the best way to structure updates. At the moment I'm thinking update as normal on the 10th skip the 17th and jump straight to and end of year epic on the 22nd. Thoughts? Opinions? Comments? Email me here. In the mean time - check it...
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BAD TIGER
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5."
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400yds
It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.
A movie is being developed base on events, titled "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant".
EA Sports are releasing new Playstation game... "Tiger Woods 2010, Grand Theft Auto"
What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
ORSM
VIDEO
DAVES DIARY OF LIVING IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31st: Just got transferred with work from Wellington NZ to our new home in
Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13th: Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th: Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the sun in a climate like this.
October 20th: Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25th: This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth...
October 30th: The temperatures up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4th: Finally got the aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8th: If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9th: Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the car. I thought my fucking arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fucking arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10th: Weather report! It might as well be a fucking recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
November 15th: Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th: Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fucking degrees today. Now the air-conditioners gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f**kin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1st: WHAT!!!! The first day of summer!!!! You are fucking kidding me!
| ZEINA HEART |
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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
ORSM
VIDEO
WHERE TO RETIRE?
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where:
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where:
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Maine where:
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where:
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where:
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care centre.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where:
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND you can retire to Florida where:
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
| FAT GLORIOUS FAT |
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A Mexican, an Arab, and an English man are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, finishes his non-alcoholic beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass into a million pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, hurls the glass into the air, whips out his .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, "In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
| ONBARD AN EMIRATES A380 |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Over the years I've learnt than even slight changes to the format can cause some of you OCD motherfuckers to react negatively, usually in the form of harshly worded emails aimed at yours truly... and that's a shame this week for both all of us because Reader Mail is having a short break while I take care of matters more pressing. To make up for this, to appease the aforementioned, here are a bunch of awesome videos which will keep you amused for longer than RM normally would. Check it...
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names". The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old witch what her name is..."
| FACIALS |
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Lonely and desperate for a special man to fill that void in her life the woman placed an ad in the local paper...
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO
SHARE
LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3.
HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail... all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
| WHEN FARMERS GET BORED |
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In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
Liking where this is going all three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
| MISS HILLARY SCOTT |
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A very flat-chested blonde finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to Wal-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well ...
- Check out the site archives. They're so fat that doctors have recommended lap banding.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Maybe... all things considered I'm surprised this one made it up...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET. otherwise my friend Ray will wait until you save up and buy something thats really special to you at which point he'll shit all over it. Only stopping after he's completely ruined it for you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of hospital. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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