Pretty huge thanks to everyone for your understanding at the lack of update last Thursday. Tonnes of messages which made me feel less like I've failed at life aaaand crushingly depressed over breaking my streak. That streak by the way was 33 updates... or if you exclude the week's downtime over last Xmas its 63... but hey who's counting right? For the record, the culprit that so cruely deprived me of the internet seems to have been a port on the patch panel. For the non-techies a patch panel is where all the cables to networked devices such as computers and modems plug into. Just so happened to be the port which the phone [not phone] line to the outside world came into. No way for me to test that on my own let alone diagnose it. I'd still re-punched it down to test and it didnt help. Electrician did the same and missed it too. Took an NBN tech with a Fluke Tester to run it down. Also a touch of WTF that of the 48 ports which could potentially have failed it just happened to be that exact crucial one. I have a saying when something goes wrong that 'its not about fault and blame' meaning letts focus on fixing the problem instead........ but in this case I'm the one who bought the patch panels so can safely blame me as its my fault.
Definitely seems to be time of year for shit to be breaking as well. Along with the internet connection, my NAS [network attached storage] has eaten a bag of dicks and taken 5TB of data with it and is a couple thousand bucks not worth repairing - not the first time the little fucker has done it to me. Add to that our fridge has had some issues. Have to hand it to Samsung though - they make some utterly shit products but support them well. They've sent techs about 8 times in 3 years and all under warranty. And finally, our main car is complaining about a filter being fooked. Hardly surprising in that diesels, and apparently our one especially, doesnt like the short trip driving it only ever sees. No warranty on that clunker though so preparing to touch my toes when the mechanic rips out a "Ohhh yeah those things arent easy to replace"...
Anyway let's do this update. I've had another ridiculous week and had legit concerns it would actually make it up. Its also a fatter than usual offering. Over 100 new clips and just so much cool shit everyone won't believe its actually real/happening. Check it.
There was a little boy, his parents, and the little boy's grandma living in a house together. One morning the grandma calls the little boy downstairs for breakfast. When he gets there, he asks "Where are mummy and daddy?" and the gramma replies "They're still in bed". The little boy laughs and goes out to play until he's called by his grandma for lunch. "Where is mummy and daddy?" he asks at lunch. "They're still in bed" she replies. The little boy laughs again and goes out to play until his grandma calls him in for dinner. "Where is mummy and daddy?" the little boy asks. "They're still in bed!" the gramma replies. The little boy giggles again and the gramma asks "Why do you keep laughing every time I say that your mummy and daddy are still in bed?" The little boy replies "Because last night daddy asked me to bring him the Vaseline while him and mummy were in bed and I brought him the Super Glue instead!"
--
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said "Thanks! But how do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I replied "The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical". Silence.
--
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear". Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same" he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second" the professor continued "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
--
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mummy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
--
What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it" the cop said "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle".
--
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table. The mysterious woman said: "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future". Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said: "I can see that you have no girlfriend". "That's true" said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes" Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters".
--
A man goes to the Optician complaining of blurred vision. Looking into his eyes with a scope, the optician began to tut-tut and groan. "What is it? What's wrong with my eyes?" asked the anxious patient. "Well if you must know, you have the worst case of Christian Brothers Syndrome I've ever seen". "What the hell is Christian Brothers Syndrome?" asked the patient. "Your pupils are fucked!"
--
Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the fuck happened?" asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.'' "Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fuckin' knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway".
--
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine" replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man".
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?" he asks. The guy sobs "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up". The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
--
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful". Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was now "cute". She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied "The drugs are wearing off!"
--
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife". A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo!"
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that" says St. Peter "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings".
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God" says the old lady "now what is happening?" "Not to worry" says St. Peter "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo".
"I can't do this" says the old lady "I'm going to hell". "You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised".
"Maybe so" says the old lady "but I've already got the holes for that..."
FUCK THE PARTY! PHOTOBOOTH IS WHERE ALL THE ACTION IS AT !
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A heads up for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: two nice looking, college-age girls will come approach as you are packing your purchases into your car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they decline but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. It also happened on August 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th; and very likely again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be very vigilant.
K-Mart has wallets on sale for $3 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at Red Dot and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 12 kilos just running back and forth from Bunnings.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
I went to my nearby pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked "Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled "HELL NO!!!"
I said "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I am not allowed to go back to that pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anyway.
IN VINO VERITAS... AND HOT NAKED CHIX TOO IT WOULD SEEM...
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ORSM VIDEO: THIEVES, THIEVING & PEOPLE STEALING SHIT
Adam and Eve said "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us".
And God said "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves".
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal".
And God said "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG".
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well".
And God said "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration".
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat? The Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A social worker from transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep" came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in" said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here" said the kid.
"But" protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here" said the kid through the door "This is the shithouse!"
Englishman, African and an Aussie sitting in a restaurant, waiting for their food. They're looking around the place and spot a man sitting by himself drinking water in the corner. After a few minutes they recognise him as Jesus Christ himself. They agree that he's a great bloke and all chip in to buy Jesus some food.
The waiter goes over to Jesus, explains the gesture and gets the food in for him, which Jesus enjoys whole-heartedly.
After the meal, he walks over to see the three generous men. He first of all thanks them all, and shakes the hand of the Englishman.
The Englishman gets the shivers, feels all tingly etc then says "Hang about, I've had chronic arthritis in this wrist for 20 years, you've just cured it, it's a miracle!"
Jesus smiles, then shakes the hand of the African.
"Bloomin 'eck, you've cured my back! I've had problems with that for nearly 30 years, thank you Jesus!"
Jesus smiles, then turns to the Aussie, who looks terrified, turns and runs away knocking over tables and chairs. They all ask what's wrong, to which the Aussie shouts "I'm on workers comp mate - fuck off!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son "The bigger they are the dumber the person is".
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men appear to have larger wangs than his dad. His mother replied "The bigger they are the dumber the person is".
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".
A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"
The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"
Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed.
Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies "Hell ya I know what it means - 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"
An old farmer goes out in his field to feed his farm animals on a hot sunny day.
As he enters his field with his feed bucket in hand he notices someone is in his farm pond. Getting closer he sees two beautiful young women who are obviously skinny dipping in the pond.
As he gets close the women spot him.
The farmer informs the women that they are trespassing and must leave the property.
One of them hollers out "You dirty old man! You just want to see us get out of the water naked!"
Shaking his feed bucket the farmer replied... "I didn't come here to stare at beautiful young naked women... I just came here to feed my pet alligators who live in this pond!"
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more it is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow. Freeze a jolly good fellow".
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Okay yeah?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Famous last words tho right...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will surgically attach to you fatter body parts stolen from the city morgue.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and comin' down cunt? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.08.16-21.05
Welcome to name-dropping unimportant people.
Hard to believe we're halfway through August already... and other pointless observations.
I wrote a whole thing here tonight. Uncharacteristically, didn't ramble on paragraph after paragraph but ultimately ditched it because it made me sound angry when that's not really my deal [at the moment]. Life is pretty okay. Sure, I may be plagued by thoughts of low self-worth reinforced anxiety but I ask you - who isn't!?
What I am enjoying however is the almost identical convo you get upon running into any rando you bump into and is keen for a chat. Most anyone you speak to in this southern hemisphere time of year starts the conversation with how cold it has been... and is being? How it got to about July and suddenly it was freezing. Thankfully we've had a lot of rain though. Then that they really hope summer comes early and it's a hot one. Because last year wasn't. Small talk. You gotta love it.
Now for some big-talk - I got you guys covered. This work of art I spent my whole week accomplishing is about to take you long into the night. Got Goosebumps yet? Check it...
The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip. "Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?" "Well, the child was born without a penis". "Oh my goodness!" said the gossip, and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news. Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years!"
--
Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realise that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
--
The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked "How did this happen?" "Let me put it this way, doc" the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight".
--
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked "May I buy you a drink?" Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". A little later, he asks "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good". He invites her up to his apartment and she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". They get to his apartment and he says "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife". She says "Oh, that's different. Send her in".
--
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says "I didn't know you were into earrings". "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring" he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck".
--
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men". The husband then turned to his wife and asked "What?"
--
A vacationer emailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach" he was told. "But how will I recognise it?" asked the man. The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken windows".
--
Police today arrested a thalidomide couple at Heathrow airport. They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane
--
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?" I said, "It's not what you think... it's ice cream". She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?" I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
--
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says "What size?" He says "I don't know". She holds up a finger and says "That big?" He says "Bigger". She holds up three fingers and says "That big?" He says "Smaller?" She holds up two fingers and he says "That's it". She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says "Medium". --
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy "Excuse me son but is your mum or dad in?" To which the boy replies "Does it fucking look like it?"
--
Stumpy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to him with a snarl "Sir, there's no smoking in here". Stumpy said "I'm not smoking lady". "But you have a cigar in your mouth" the woman said. "Lady" Stumpy answered "I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a bloody horse!"
--
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem. The neighbour says "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red". The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"
--
A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. t-shirt. "Her friend asks: "Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It's Friday t-shirt on Monday?" "Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realise it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant "Tits Go In Front!"
A man is at the dentists for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks "Well... so you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose".
--
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defence. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said "I imagine that our side will win".
--
A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the wife replied "in-laws".
An Irish priest was transferred to a parish in Florida.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Englewood Mission Parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How can I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads over to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good Father replied "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first. Which is the reason for me call".
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland in Beautiful BOWEN, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch!
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay...!
The doctor told him "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on for as long as you can.
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to the Coral Coast Caravan Park in one of those villas with the spas.
That night in the park, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez". Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied "Look at dis Lena ... STILL IN DA CRATE!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck".
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now".
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THE CRAIGSLIST DECOYS
Several years ago in Monroe, Washington, a man dressed in a yellow vest, respirator mask and blue shirt robbed an armoured truck. He pepper-sprayed the guard and made off with a bag of money, running at top speed toward a nearby creek. Police gave chase and were met with several confused civilians dressed in the exact same outfit as the robber. As it turned out, this particular criminal put up a Craigslist ad asking for people to show up at that specific date and time, dressed just like him. The ruse worked, and confused police were unable to apprehend the criminal - though they did mention they had succeeded in capturing several individuals that matched the suspect's description.
THE ENVIABLE GAS THIEVES
Wouldn't it be nice if you could just press a button and fill up your car for free? Well that's exactly what some crafty criminals were thinking back in 2008 - the last time gas prices spiked. Believe it or not, almost every gas pump in the major chains is manufactured by the same company: Gilbarco. This means that, much like figuring out how to pick the vending machine lock in high school, there's one standard way to trick just about every pump in the country into giving you free gas. Which is exactly what these thieves did. Because of the near-identical design of the pumps, stations from Shell to BP all across the southwest were turned into free money machines simply by unplugging a wire and keying in a number on a pad.
THE TOYS R' US BANDIT
In November of 2000, Jeffrey Allen Manchester plead guilty to several armed robberies and was sentenced to 24 years in prison. Deciding this just wouldn't do, he eventually landed a spot in the prison's metal shop and ended up escaping by hitching himself under a delivery truck. As a freed convict, Manchester's first words out of prison were "Take me to Toys R' Us". Manchester lived in the unexplored depths of a Toys R' Us and the Circuit City next door. He eventually fashioned himself a nice room from a closet under some stairs, complete with electricity, plumbing, and even a TV and Xbox. Manchester became a part of the local community, attending church, dating a local woman, and even dressing up as the Easter bunny for church celebrations. Unfortunately, these connections were his downfall when his girlfriend turned him over to police.
BRICK WALL BANDITS
At a bank in Bulgaria in 2009, several hundred thousand dollars' worth of currency vanished suddenly from the vault. "Suddenly" may be a poor choice of words, however, as the money vanished on a Saturday and wasn't noticed until the following Wednesday. The thieves were so subtle and stealthy, it took almost 4 days before anyone bothered to check on the money. The heist went off without a hitch because the robbers didn't settle for the typical run-and-grab robbery. They simply pre-paid a few months' rent on an adjacent apartment, then drilled a hole through the wall one night. That was all that was separating the bank from the outside world - a brick wall. Ironically, shortly before the robbery the local police had recommended several security upgrades, all of which would have stopped the heist.
JERRY RAMRATTAN
Jerry Ramrattan had a problem: his girlfriend was accusing him of rape, and he was having a hard time disproving her. Thankfully Ramrattan was a private investigator by trade, so he knew all the twists and turns of the seedy criminal and legal underbelly of society. This was a huge help in ducking his girlfriend's rape charges, and also aided him in getting her convicted of several acts of armed robbery, not a single one of which she actually committed. Despite the mind-boggling level of douchebag that's involved in the decision to both rape your girlfriend and then manufacture armed robberies to get her thrown in jail, there is a certain genius to Ramrattan's plan. There's no one Americans will pay less attention to than a person accused of a crime, and Ramrattan concocted elaborate stories and produced mounds of incriminating "evidence" to implicate his girlfriend. The girlfriend spent seven months in jail before being acquitted, and even then, was only let loose because one of Ramrattan's cohorts talked to the police.
FAT FOLD BANDITS
We've all had that fateful moment where we needed something hidden from parents, nosy siblings, or the authorities, and we desperately try to find somewhere innocuous to stash it. Sometimes it's as easy as throwing it in your pocket, or if you're desperate, throwing it in your underwear - few will have the bravery to search there, especially if you breath really hard and pretend like you just finished a particularly sweaty run. Ailene Brown and Shmecko Thomas were simply taking this impulse to its logical conclusion when they decided to steal a whole host of merchandise by stuffing it under their rolls of fat. And we're not talking a couple of candy bars here. No, Brown and Thomas tried to smuggle out an entire wardrobe - complete with four pairs of boots.
THE BANCO CENTRAL TUNNEL
In August of 2005, nearly 160 million reals went missing from a bank vault in Brazil, making it one of the largest cash heists in history. Investigators concluded that the robbery was perpetrated by thieves using that old stand-by: the tunnel from an adjacent building. But the Banco Central tunnel was no run-of-the-mill excavation, it was considerably more complex and imaginative. To start out, the Banco Central thieves weren't half-arsing anything. They didn't purchase a neighbouring building, the picked one almost a football field away. To accommodate such a large, complex excavation, the tunnel even had its own air conditioning and electricity. They even used the cover of operating a landscaping company so no one questioned the large amount of soil going in and out of the building on a regular basis. If this is starting to sound like an operation perpetrated by highly-educated, highly-trained professionals in the geology, excavation, and engineering disciplines, well that's actually exactly what authorities suspect.
THE BOMB HOSTAGE ROBBERY
The story of Brian Douglas. The plan was straightforward and brilliant. A bomb would be strapped to Wells' chest, he would rob a bank claiming to be an innocent hostage. He and his accomplices were to get the money while Wells remains an innocent bystander. The bomb (which was supposed to be fake) was designed such that Wells would have always ended up with a smouldering, fist-sized hole in his chest. He died on the scene. His accomplices were eventually brought to justice, but that didn't stop a copycat from trying to pull something very similar a few short years later.
THE LUFTHANSA HEIST
One of the most famous and lucrative robberies in American history, the Lufthansa heist was immortalised in the movie Goodfellas. You've probably heard all about the heist, and more importantly, the bloody fallout that resulted. What doesn't often get talked about is the extreme level of detail, planning and cleverness that went into making the raid a success. All-in-all the "Goodfellas" had to disable over a dozen airport guards and employees - all without firing a shot or raising an alarm - to make off with the loot. They would take each hostage's wallet to get their ID and use it to threaten the hostage's family. This was used to give the Goodfellas 15 extra minutes to escape, which was vital since they knew security could lock down the airport in less than 90 seconds. The heist succeeded not just because they had connections at the airport or were a group of hardened, experienced criminals. That was part of it, but when it comes down to it, ingenious planning is the real victor here.
MUSEON MUSEUM HEIST
You've probably heard the phrase: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing humanity that he doesn't exist". The idea is that truly great and pure evil doesn't care about size or ego, it cares about wreaking havoc and doing damage-two things that are easier the less noticeable you are. That's why the Museon Museum heist is so disconcerting. Somehow the thieves were clever enough to make it past the 24-hour guard patrols, the motion sensors and the camera recordings to make off with more than $15 million in priceless jewels. To this day, no one is entirely sure how the thieves managed their near-invisible heist.
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George W. Bush gets done eating dinner at the Whitehouse when he steps out onto the Whitehouse porch to get some fresh air.
After a few minutes he noticed someone had urinated his name in the snow. Furious,
George goes to the secret service and demands to know who urinated his name in the snow.
The secret service tells George "Yes sir Mr. President, we will get right on it".
A couple of hours goes by and the secret service comes back and says "Mr. President, we have good news and we have bad news". George says" What's the good news?"
Secret service says "We had the urine analysed and it came back as Al Gores". George says,
I knew he would betray me". Then George says "What's the bad news?" The Secret service says "We think it's Hillary Clinton's handwriting".
BUTTER FACES BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S GOOD... BUT HER FACE!
Two guys are having a chat over a coffee at work...
MARK: "Why you white guys always so happy?" SIMON: "Because I make love to my wife every morning before work". MARK: "Say whaaat? You get her to make love EVERY morning? How do you do that?" SIMON:"It's easy, I just say a poem, women love poems and will fall for them all the time". MARK: "Okay... what kind of poem can you say to make her make love every morning?" SIMON:"I say 'Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes of blue, I love to wake up and make love to you'". MARK: "HAHA she falls for that?" SIMON: "Yes you should try it".
The next day Simon comes in with black eye fat lip and a tooth missing...
SIMON: "What happened to you?" MARK: "Well, I said a poem to my wife and she didn't like it". SIMON: "She didn't like it??? What did you say?" MARK: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over I would do you like a dog".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "Bloody hell what happened last night?".
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "What happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party".
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag".
This morning, around 7AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I tried contacting the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.
TOO PERKY TO BE REAL? OR MAYBE TOO PERKY TO BE FAKE?
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
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-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm very serious about this.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will fill your butthole with rapidcrete while you're sleeping. Goodluck shitting that.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a clean hose. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.08.09-21.11
Welcome to huge machinery wiping out the scenery.
Not going to claim it's been a relentless week... but it has. Not going to claim I'm very fucking eager to get this update up and spend some time on my PS4 wiping out a drug cartel in Bolivia... but I am. Not even going to claim I'm happy not to have Subway for dinner because all the remaining ingredients at my local store will be well and truly stale/gross by this time of day and that's if they are even still open... but I'd still love to. This in mind, and with no adieu whatsoever... check it... check this utterly beautiful update so fucking hard that it hurts. Check it. And check it again and again and again...
Going down on an old person is like eating a porkpie. You have to get passed the outer crust and jelly, before you get to the meat!
--
Saturday morning the weather was too bad to go out. I was bored with nothing to do. Then came a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness". So I said "Come in and sit down". I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?" He said "Beats the crap out of me. Never got this far before..."
--
A long interview just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in the Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror OR The Sun.
--
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
--
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the nursing home Administrator. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?" "Yes" she said. "They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale"
--
A man was telling his neighbour in Port Charlotte "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect". "Really" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty".
--
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5am". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up". Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
--
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma" she says in a weak voice. He says "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" She replies "I can't see my ass coming into work today".
--
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Wow! in all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by, what can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
--
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
--
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma "Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?" "Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn't like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper".
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well... ya know". The guy on the help line replies "Ah, bummer mate!" I say "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
--
The wife just walked into the living room wearing a bright new summer dress she'd just bought. She said "Well? What do you think?" I said "Yeah it's nice, but your knickers are coming down". She looked down and said "No they're not!" I replied "Yes they are, or that dress is going straight fucking back!"
--
What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks - your mum can't take a joke
--
Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and then left in a huff. "That sure is a nasty lady" Little Johnny's dad said. Little Johnny remarked "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe... so I pinched her ass".
Saint Peter is seeing all the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one:
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry, and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died".
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst:
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest".
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologises and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you". "I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest...
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt however, there is no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.
"Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom" he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty".
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative announces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door". Answers the representative "Oh, we did look... but your client didn't".
IT'S BATHTIME... AND YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT AIRCRAFT CARRIERS
-Nimitz class aircraft carriers get refuelled approximately every 25 years. Since the lifespan of an aircraft carrier is about 50 years, that means they only get refuelled once. (This is the nuclear fuel for the reactors - the ship gets jet fuel every few days.)
-Almost all of the food has to be manually carried down to the mess and storage decks. This is a constant painstaking feat considering you're feeding almost 6000 people, and you're dealing with anywhere from about 4-8 stories worth of stairs, which can take as much as 10 hours in one resupply.
-All USN Aircraft Carriers are powered by steam.
-Machinery and non-airwing personnel can go longer than many submariners without seeing the sun. Many go 90-120+ days straight.
-The screws (propellers) installed on the USS Dwight D Eisenhower weight 366,200lbs (166,105kg) each and there are four of them.
-Airwing personal routinely throw overboard or flush their saltwater indicators (Man Overboard Indicator) down a toilet causing the entire crew to go to general quarters for muster in the middle of the night. If there is one reason why the ship's crew can't stand the airwing, this is that reason.
-The Screws are each 25 feet tall.
-In even remotely rough seas, the showers alternate between hot and cold with the rocking of the ship. This is hilarious if you're just using the bathroom, it's horrible if you're the one taking the shower.
-The total anchor weight including 1,082 feet of chain for one (of two anchors) is 735,000 lbs. (333,390kg).
-The machinery spaces are so far below the flight and hanger decks, there are emergency crews trained in mountain rescue, called deep rescue crews. They're trained to rescue personnel out of the escape shafts which are roughly 80ft tall.
-The total number of crew members including the deployed air wing is over 6,000 personnel.
-Nimitz and later class nuclear carriers have 2 dump-truck size nuclear reactors for power. The one Enterprise class carrier has basically 8 submarine-size nuclear reactors powering it. That may seem trivial, but 8 nuclear reactors on a floating ship, each with essentially independent systems for control and safety, is nothing short of insanity.
-The height of the keel to the mast is the equivalent to a 24-story building.
-The Flight Deck is 4.5 acres.
-Steam piping in the machinery spaces is so hot, it will kill nerve cells before someone realises they touched the wrong thing.
-You can water ski behind an aircraft carrier going full speed, not that it's safe.
-Aircraft carriers don't have sonar - the carriers are too noisy for it to be effective. (In truth, they do have sonar depth finders, but those point straight down and are only used when you're fairly close to shore.)
-Additionally, there's very little shielding from radiation on the underside of a carrier since it's usually facing the entire ocean, so a person must be certified and wear a radiation monitoring device to be under the ship in dry dock.
-The USS Midway (obviously a retired carrier) has about 5,000 miles (8046 kilometres) of wiring. A modern carrier, despite having much more electronic equipment, has only about half as much wiring because much of the data is now transported by fibreoptics.
-When the engines are engaged, the shafts rotate/twist more than an entire revolution before the propeller/screw actually moves.
-Some older carriers had escalators. The aircrew ready rooms and/or “para lockers” where survival equipment is stored, were a few decks down (these days those places are right under the flight deck), and it was easier to use escalators if you were wearing all that bulky equipment.
-Nuclear operators on carriers, and submarines and formerly cruisers for that matter, receive much less radiation than normal citizens. You get more radiation commuting to work than the people running nuclear reactors. (Chernobyl, 3 mile island, Fukushima, SL1, and some others notwithstanding)
-Many of the dining tables in the enlisted mess can be converted to hospital beds and even surgical tables in the event of mass casualties.
-Thanks to a sophisticated network of supply ships, fresh milk and soft-serve ice cream is almost always available.
-When resupplying the ship, they actually use a gun with a rope attached to it, to initially retrieve the cables from the supply ships. Just picture cruising at 20 knots with a sailor literally shooting a gun at a supply ship from the hanger deck.
-There are small ramps around the edge of the flight deck, each about 18 inches wide or so, that lead out over the water. These are “bomb chutes,” and provide a way to quickly get bombs and other aircraft weapons over the side and away from the ship in case there's a fire.
-Any time weapons are brought up from or taken down to the magazines, it always requires two elevators to accomplish. They're taken about half the way, at which point they have to switch elevators since none of them go the whole distance. This is to eliminate one potential path of escape for any fire or explosion that might break out. It's not at all uncommon to be eating a meal on the mess decks, with a cart full of bombs or missiles sitting a few feet away as they're waiting to complete their journey up or down.
-Procedures have been developed and are sometimes practiced that allows for the launching and recovery of aircraft without the use of radios - no speaking whatsoever. It's called “zip lip.” This is done when the ship is in EMCON condition, or “emissions control,” when radio-based equipment like radar and radios aren't used in an effort to remain “silent” to enemies that might use the signals to detect the ship.
-There has never been a nuclear accident or uncontrolled release of radioactivity in the history of Naval Nuclear power, including submarines.
-The stern area of the ship at the hangar deck level is home to what's called the “jet shop.” This is where in-depth repairs are made to jet engines that have been removed from airplanes. That area has jet fuel plumbing so that the engines can be tested at high power while attached (strongly) to the ship.
-It takes more than 2000 people to spell out “Ready Now” or a similarly large phrase on the flight deck.
-Every carrier landing is recorded on video, and each pilot is graded on how well they did.
-During daytime and in good weather, during an aircraft recover (landing) cycle, the goal is to have an airplane land every 45 seconds. That means each one should land, come to a stop, get free of the cable it caught and taxi out of the way in 45 seconds or less.
-A deployment is referred to as a cruise by recruiters.
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There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible' said the man to himself 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!'
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It's the husband, and he asks "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes". says the wife "he's been here quite a while, where are you?" "Please put him on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions".
THIS GALLERY PROVES THAT PIERCED NIPPLES ARE AWESOME
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-colour stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-colour story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started "You know, girls, there's a rumour going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say..."
just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time - the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting" the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now -in her 80's- a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go".
SOMETHING IS COOKING IN THE KITCHEN AND IT'S NOT DINNER...
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men" says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander".
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir" answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James' mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "OK, men, fall in and listen up". "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward".
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75 (3 cartons of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. It's probably what I'm doing right this very moment.
-Next update will be the 16th.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will cause a catastrophic earthquake to target where you live. He's done it before and he'll do it again...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't leave me this waaaaaay. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
rsmupdate 2018.08.02-20.40
Welcome to touch my pussy panties.
Almost felt a touch of sadness today. Almost. When I started Orsm way back when it was hosted on my the 'free webspace' that came with my dialup internet plan. A total of 25 megabytes from memory. Eventually iinet.net.au/~orsm it was spread across a whole bunch of other people's free webspaces until iiNet wised up and made me move the site. I've stayed with them as my ISP ever since though; coming up to 19 years. Then a couple of years ago I upgraded to the National Broadband Network [NBN] through them which was sweet until late last year at which point it wasn"t. Constant connection dropouts and what not. Call support, run through a bunch of tests, reset the modem, escalate, promise to call me back, nothing ever happens. More recently, after a public social media post about gigantic customer service fail via support staff, I got some movement but they ultimately blamed my modem -an iiNet supplied modem that I paid for- and then said I need to get another one to test and see if the problem persisted. In other words - borrow or buy a modem; if it solves the problem they will replace my one. Umm no. Called again this morning after yet more dropouts, speak to another condescending idiot with heavy breathing and said that for them to keep me as a customer they needed to replace my new modem ASAP for no charge. Nope. Wouldn"t do it. Hang up. Immediately call another ISP and sign up. I've recommended iiNet to countless people over the past couple of decades. I'm sure to get some emails about similar experiences because I'm def no Robinson Crusoe here. If nothing else its sad to see such a cool company get swallowed up by shitcunts who have gone on to destroy what made it awesome.
Alright let's get in with it. This update is what happens when you throw as much good stuff as possible together. You'll tell your grandkids about it one day. Check it...
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
--
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!' Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?' The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!'
--
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
--
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day". "Oh, my God" says Sid. "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no" says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park".
--
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says "I'm not sure I understand what you mean". She says "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
--
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit" said the first bloke "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me" the bloke replied.
A young manager was leaving the office late one evening when he saw the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand. "Listen" said the CEO "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young manager. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as her paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy.
--
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage". I felt sorry for him, so I asked "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no... I was paroled".
--
A man said to his wife one day "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time". The wife responded "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!" "This is my big lottery win" said the photographer "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of two million Euros.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie the Pope replied "Two million Euros..."
"TWO MILLION EUROS!" replied the housekeeper "They must have seen you coming!"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home".
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds "It's just 99 cents a word". Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her one word: comfortable".
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly: com-for-da-bull".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A husband comes home from the night shift to find his wife snuggled up in bed with the sheets pulled up right over her whole head, obviously not wanting to be disturbed.
Not to be denied, he slips in under the sheet anyway and begins making love to her. He gets out of bed again to go downstairs and get something to eat. He is absolutely startled by his wife standing in the kitchen making breakfast and coffee!
"How did you get down here so fast?" he asks. "We were just upstairs making love!" "WHAT?!" his wife screams. "Oh my God!" the wife gasps. "That's my mother up there you sick bastard! She came over complaining of a headache and I told her to go lie down for a while".
The wife rushes upstairs and says to her mom: "Mother, why didn't you say anything?" To which the MIL replies: "Hah, I haven't spoken to that arsehole in 15 years, I wasn't about to start now!"
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE KIDS.
"That's nice" she thinks "but I want more".
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
FLOOR 3 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING.
"Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH HOUSEWORK.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. THIS FLOOR EXISTS SOLELY AS PROOF THAT WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE.
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE.
PLEASE NOTE: TO AVOID GENDER BIAS CHARGES, THE STORE'S OWNER OPENED A NEW WIVES STORE JUST ACROSS THE STREET, WITH THE SAME RULES.
The First Floor has wives that love sex.
The Second Floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Floors have never been visited.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
At a Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a Texas oil rig worker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
He just smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends".
-A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".
-A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied "I'm drawing God". The teacher paused and said "But no one knows what God looks like". Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied "They will in a minute".
-A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered "Thou shall not kill".
-One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white". The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer" or "That's Michael, He's a doctor". A small voice at the back of the room rang out "And there's the teacher, she's dead".
-A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
she said "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face". "Yes" the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted "Cause your feet ain't empty".
-The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching". Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note "Take all you want. God is watching the apples..."
-"An abstract noun" the teacher said "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me two examples?" "Sure" teenage Pauly replied. "Your boobs".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a theatre.
Before the show has even starts, an usher walks by and notices the man. "Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?" The man groans but remains sprawled.
The Usher becomes impatient with the man "Sir! If you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher. So he marches off to get the manager.
In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. At this point the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and after making a reassuring gesture to the manager, he approaches the man.
"Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam" the man moans.
"And where ya from Sam?" With another groan, Sam replies "The balcony".
33 ASIAN CHCKS YOU WOULD NOT KICK OUT OF BED FOR FARTING
Boyce is a 78-year-old man and is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before Boyce has time to apologise, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, Boyce asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
Boyce takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly... "Paint my house".
My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station. We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets, were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us.
The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun-dress. All the local women were draped in black head to toe, burqas. We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and around the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Sydney Airport.
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-Check out the archives. Dip into it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I've pretty much decided I'm taking a week off this month. Don'tknow when or how but there's every chance you dudes will just have to go a week without an update.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will ??
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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