Welcome to hey dork, you've got toilet paper stuck to your shoe.
I don't have much to say this week... but that's never stopped me before.
Can hardly bare to admit it - have been nailed yet a-fucking-gain with a cold. Not the worst by any stretch however this must be the fifth or sixth time this winter. Love to know what I'm doing so wrong or why my immunity is so paltry. I'm guessing being a borderline shut in, not leaving the house to go to work and interact with you commonfolk has something to do with it so miss, or have missed, out on a bunch of strains over the years. Now with the little one bringing shit home from daycare or where ever frequently, I don't stand a chance. Anyway whatever. Summer is only what... 3 or 4 increeeeeddddddiiiiiblllly long months away? ... Fuck!
I'm enjoying what seems to be a recent trend of people with famous names committing violent crimes. Firstly there was Ronald McDonald; a 70-year-old who tried to murder his 23-year-old relative. Sounds like someone needs a happy meal. Next was the Aussie woman involved in murdering a cop on a Bali beach. Her name? Sara Connor. Sadly no offer of 'come with me if you want to live' for the cop. What's next? Someone with the same name as a presidential candidate inciting people to kill his opponent?
Moving on. Normally I would balk at the idea of watching a procedural drama; CSI, NCIS, Law & Order and what not all come to mind and whilst they're popular and people lap that shit up, it's not my style. Give me The Wire, Arrested Development, Oz, Entourage, Curb, Shameless, Mr Robot, The Walking Dead and I'm a happy man. That said, best show I've seen in years is a procedural called The Night Of which follows a young guy who is arrested for murdering a girl and how the system works plus how people connected to the case are affected. By far the most riveting TV I've seen in forever. Highly recommend checking it out. If you love it then my pleasure, if not then suck shit!
And on. The weekend was incredibly quiet. Terrible weather and rain played a big part. Saturday began early as does every single day - child comes bursting into our bedroom around 6am. Why 6am?? Why not 7am? Why not 8am?? WHY NOT JUST STAY IN BED!? We left the house mid-morning to do some shopping. Completely unsuccessful. Lost interest after the sales girl kind of implied I was cheap not willing to fork out $150 for a long sleeve knitted jumper [sweater]. Fuck you bitch - I am cheap and happy to wait til it gets moved to the clearance rack. I'll buy it then and wear next winter.
The rest of the day was sat in front of the computer working on this update and even into September. Because... the plan is to head for the Great Southern region where internet access may be limited plus who in their right mind wants to spend a minute of their break doing anything related they're trying to take a break from? Fuck that. Plus I know there's sycophants out there who won't tolerate missing updates nor will my mild level of OCD or strongly held belief the world will collapse upon itself should my Thursday update deadline be missed.
Sunday looked like rain yet again. Headed for the farmers market because it's close. Thankfully the wet held out and managed to kill a couple of hours there doing laps and gorging on the free samples. Popped by to see friends later in the day who were in town and rounded out Sunday with The Dark Knight and Dark Knight Returns. Enormously satisfying weekend ender.
Okay enough with the babble. Today's update it full of everything that makes the internet what it is. Some of the videos you'll find below are utterly mind-blowing. You should definitely watch them all. As for the image galleries... so much fapping material you will wear your penis or clitoris down. Everything else is of course beyond brilliant and will defy all expectations. But I don't want to oversell it. Go forth and see for yourselves. Check it...
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies "I had sex with my teacher". She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him "I had sex with my teacher". The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds "No thanks, Dad. My butt still hurts".
--
A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says "I think my 16 year old is smoking. I found an empty cigarette pack under her bed". All the other fathers say in unison "Oh no!" Then a second dad says "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed". All the other fathers say in unison "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says "Mine's worse than both of those combined. I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom". All the other fathers say in unison "Jesus Christ!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"
--
A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor. As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says "I'm doing a huge convention".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem".
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it so he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun".
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot.
*WHAM*
He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake.
*WHAM*
He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself".
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the publican. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks" he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got" says the publican. The guy says "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't".
"Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside" the guy gasps. "Tell you what" says the landlord "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place". "Be my guest" the guy says.
So the publican goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realise she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer" explains the landlord "She's my wife". The officer replies apologetically "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realise". "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light".
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another word?"
Johnny from the back of the room yells "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word". "Saturday" says Mike. "Great. Sat-ur-day. That has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says "Mast-ur-ba-tion". Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful". "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables".
33 NUDE BABES WHO PROVE NOT ALL WOMEN DRIVERS ARE BAD
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We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and *BAM BAM BAM* you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
"Damn!" I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die.... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answers. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said "Yes ma'am" and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "Are they ice and pink like this?" The Farmer said "Yes" and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "Yes" and broke down crying.
She asked "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado levelled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches".
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour. The friend listened and suggested "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways". The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated state "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A plane crashes and the surviving seven men and one woman make it to a nearby island.
They take turns writing SOS in the sand and making fires in hope of being rescued. They take turns foraging food and collecting water to sustain themselves. They're all cooperating admirably and sharing the work, but eventually, the sexual tensions are too high and they call group meeting.
The woman proposes that she marries each of the men, and that for one day a week she and her husband will be able to have each other without disturbing the balance of the community. The system works perfectly and everyone is satisfied. Then one day, the woman dies, and everyone is devastated...
The first day is tough. The second day is bad. The third day is really bad. The fourth day is really, REALLY bad. The fifth day is really, REALLY, REALLY bad. The sixth day is really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad. The seventh day is the MOST SICKENING AND AWFUL THING ANYONE HAD EXPERIENCED.
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay" he says "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that" she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well" he answers "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that".
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"
HERE'S A WHOLE GALLERY OF ANNIE [THE GIRL FROM UP THE TOP]
I don't want to harp on about it BUT... this is the end of the update SO... I understand you defintely wan't more AND... there is plenty MORE... you just have TO....
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I spend countless hours adding a fuck tonne of the stuff you find here to your favourite social networks. Don't worry though - there's nothing that too unsafe for work or pornographied which means if you like, comment or share your friends won't instantly realise you're a dirty little fiend.
-Check out the archives. They date back to before the internet was even a thing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. AKA the best day or the week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will frame you and your team mates in an embarrassing conspiracy where it appears you lied about being robbed when you actually were.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and let's keep quiet about this. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.08.18-17.00
Welcome to people who think they're smart because they know what clickbait is.
My experiment this week has been to switch my phone off. Not all the way off obviously. That would be stupid, preposterous, uncalled for. Still need to be contactable after all and there are always multiple times each day when something deeply offensive and hateful must be forwarded to you best buddies on WhatsApp... and how is anyone supposed to educate the general public by way of passive aggressive yet witty comments about news stories on Facebook whilst taking a shit if there's no iPhone in (the non-wiping) hand? Can't be done.
After some sort of near-breakdown last week I realised it was time to reduce demands thrust upon me. The phone rings, I answer, I'm distracted, my time is consumed, finish the call and forget what I was doing in the first place. Yeah it may only ring once a day but sometimes it rings 10 times a day; absolutely none of it Orsm related and it adds up. And then the realisation: I don't need a phone to do my job. Wi-Fi and 4G are all important but couldn't tell you the last time I actually spoke to someone in order to run Orsm. Everything is via chat, email or apps. Let's take away the speaking aspect and see what happens.
So far the experiment has been a huge success. Knowing the phone isn't going to ring is hugely comforting. There's also no distractions meaning I can focus on my job meaning I can finish on schedule meaning bed at a reasonable time meaning less of an assface to people I care about. Its win-win-win-win-win. Highly recommend.
The only even remotely exciting news is to do with the fuckwit rear neighbours. Mentioned a few updates ago that it looked like they may be on the move and after some astute investigating (Googled the address and found a rental listing for it) turns out they are officially goneski. So after 6 months of weekend-long parties, loud music starting at 4am, screaming, maniacal laughing and rubbish coming over the back fence, it seems to be all over. Just like that. Part of me is almost disappointed, there's no closure plus I don't know if they were evicted, if it was only a very short lease or what but most of all there won't be any need to employ counter-party techniques now. Oh well. Here's hoping the next lot of tenants aren't inconsiderate fuckwits too I guess...
The rest of my week and weekend have been ultra-low key. Friday fairly was standard until later - there was a food truck event near home and it's rare to have anything like that around here so couldn't resist. Expectations weren't particularly high or low and we all know that so much as whisper 'food truck' and you can feel your wallet get $10-$16 lighter... and don't get me started on the minimal portions of mediocre food and 45 minute wait times for your order... all that aside there were shitloads of people, great atmosphere and it was well organised with free entertainment. Can't ask much more than that.
Later that evening was a wedding party. Not a wedding, a wedding party. The wedding was overseas and I wasn't invited, I'm guessing, probably because I don't know the happy couple. As a matter of fact, until the wedding party I'd completely forgotten having met the bride before and until it was pointed out, didn't realise I was chatting to the groom. Bit awkward but we're unlikely to cross paths again so all good. One thing to take from it - weddings, or at least the ones I've been to that were casual, are the way to go. Have seen some huge productions over the years but they were never quite as much fun as the laid back everyone-just-eat-and-get-drunk ones were.
Stayed close to home Saturday. The whole place was a disaster zone so spent most of it cleaning, doing maintenance stuff and even a weed pulling session. Those little fuckers have come early. That night, on the back of attempting to watch Batman Vs Superman recently and falling asleep through utter boredom, I decided it was necessary to go back to when superhero films were awesome; namely Christian Bale's Batman. I don't care what you or any of your little mates say - his Batman is the best. Looking forward to some Heath Ledger's Joker this weekend as well.
After a bumpy night sleep for child and GF, I was on baby duty the next morning. We headed for a swap meet (flea market) because how the hell else do you entertain a toddler whose every second sentence is "I race you!" Next, swung by a café to power up, followed by an hour running around the park and playground. Place was full of dads doing the same. Just dads. No mums. Meandering around you have basically the same conversation with all of them - child's age, name, which kids TV show has taken over your house, and how long you've lived in the area for. Sounds lame, sounds boring, sounds like even a severe hangover would be preferable, but let's keep in mind that by 11am the only words to come out of your mouth were to ask if kid was cold/hungry/thirsty upwards of 700 times.
Okay let's move on. Else we run the very real risk of 2-3 more paragraphs and no one wants that. No one. What you dudes are about to enjoy is a fucking brilliant update. Countless hours have gone into sticking it all together and there is literally no single point of fail or disappointment ahead. Check it...
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the Olympics Games, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest". "What?" the coach says in a panic "How far down does it go?" Penelope replies "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about..."
--
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling" sobbed the wife "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What are we going to do?" "Well" replied the man "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
--
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
--
A bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison". And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped". Turning on his side, he smiles and says "Then we will have to re-imprison him". After the second time, the bride says "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says "Honey, the prisoner escaped again" to which the husband yelled "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do". The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked "Do any of the girls have the clap?" Of course, the Madam said no.
He said "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with the clap, instead of one of the others?"
He said "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the clap that I just caught. When mum and dad get back, dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump the babysitter and he'll catch the clap. Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mum will go to bed and have sex, and mum will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the cunt who ran over my FROG".
CAMEL TOE... IT'S THE ONLY REASON GUYS WATCH WOMEN'S SPORTS.
A Texan and a farmer were walking through the farmer's field one sunny afternoon when they came upon a sheep with his head stuck through the fence, unable to extricate itself.
"Look at that poor sheep, he's stuck!" commented the Texan. "No he's not" said the farmer " his head is caught in the fence for a reason". "What reason?" asked the Texan.
"Well, let me show you" said the farmer and promptly pulled down his pants and began to have furious sex with the sheep.
When he was finished the farmer further explained "We stick their heads through the fence so they can't get away". The Texan responds by saying "I see. Well, that looks really fun!"
The farmer says "Would you like to try?" The Texan responds with "I sure would!" and promptly sticks his head though the fence.
"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old "You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time nothing happens".
"Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens".
"Actually" said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all".
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all".
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am".
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
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A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. You do that and you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is nuts but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies "Deaf? DEAF?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane, and soon realised she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality".
"Really?" he said "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well..." she explained "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native America Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that lovers with the best stamina are from the Southern states of America".
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry" she said "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..." "Tonto" the man said "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "Okay" grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the tax office".
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from god that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other".
The man replies "Oh yes, I agree with you completely".
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune".
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide whose fault it is".
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I spend countless hours adding a fuck tonne of the stuff you find here to your favourite social networks. But don't worry - there's nothing that too unsafe for work which means if you like, comment or share your friends won't instantly realise you're a sick little fucker.
-Check out the archives. Why? One way to find out is why!
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's kind of my thing.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make up and tell the authorities a bizarre story about being robbed by you in Rio.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and increase your vulgarity. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.08.11-15.44
Welcome to potato.
You never quite know who made you sick. Well not for sure. In our house there's just about endless sources of infection... not because we live like animals, but because, apparently, that's just what happens when there's young'uns roaming around.
Monday night I started to feel bloaty. Hadn't eaten particularly much all day so soon realised it was something sinister at work. Slept like a fuck that night as the whatever variety of gastro kicked in and spent Tuesday and Wednesday in bed groaning... the bad kind. The pooping didn't make an appearance until this morning so finally entered the desirable part of a tummy ailment - weight loss via dehydration.
When I trace back there were definitely some possible sources. The week started with a dentist visit although probably unlikely because you would expect a high level of hygiene... but realised later they overcharged me by 100%... and that was based on an already stupidly high amount to begin with. Also I think the hygienist was pissy straight off the bat because I'd rescheduled my appointment so maybe, just maybe, she rubbed her glove covered index finger down her buttcrack before going in my mouth...
Next, some deli meat eaten the night before. Not the good stuff either - just the nasty you buy from the supermarket deli section that has a questionable expiry date and is questionably cheap. If I'm being honest the thought crossed my mind but it looked/smelled/tasted okay however given that symptoms kicked in almost exactly 24 hours after wolfing it down, food poisoning is a real chance.
The most likely candidate though is the package delivery guy. He's a crusty, scungy dude who you wouldn't ask for hygiene or grooming tips. Whenever he delivers a package and hands me the stylus to sign his tablet, I immediately go inside and sanitize my hands. Monday I didn't do it. Fuck knows who handled that stylus before me but I'll lay money they were off work or school sick with the shits.
Moving on. The whole bed-ridden thing has almost been a blessing in disguise. Sure I've been writhing around in agony but have made the most of it watching the Olympic coverage. Usually I'm preoccupied with life and the games are over before I've watched anything.
My conspiracy hat is clearly on today. Remember how early in the swimming events the Aussie swimmers called out one of the Chinese team for being drug cheats? The Chinese lost their shit - a lot of Australia hate followed. And then a few days later Australia has census night and the census website is mysteriously taken down by DDoS attacks as millions of untrusting Aussies went online to divulge their deepest and darkest personal details. Coincidence? Nope!
For the love of god though, how many stories can there possible be about abandoned Olympic venues? My FB newsfeed is full of them. Seems like every fucking website, news or other, is running the same shit about the same venues. Cannot tell you how many times I've seen the dilapidated, rundown, never used again stadiums spread around Greece or Germany or where ever, a fate which is now awaiting a post-Olympics Rio. Oh the humanity!
Alright enough. I'm admittedly kind of impressed that this update managed to come together on time despite losing two days out of the week. Why can't I do that every week? Seriously why? Let's get busy. Check it...
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
--
Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking "What's your name?" She says "Yo". The officer asks "What are you in for?" She responds with "Blowing bubbles". The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl "What's your name?" She responds with "Yo Yo". The officer asks "What are you in for?" She responds with "Blowing bubbles". The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo". The guy replies with "No, it's Bubbles".
--
Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we won't have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says "This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
WHICH FACEBOOK TYPE ARE YOU?
I don't think this list actually goes far enough...
THE 'I HAVE KIDS' POSTER: Congratulations, you're the parent of the 7 billionth person on this planet! The wasteland of baby pictures ranging from mediocre to disappointing of animal-like devolved offspring are compelling arguments for mass sterilisation. The first few do nicely, yes a child has been born... it's the incessant months and years of daily follow-up photos that leave you wanting to bludgeon your eyes out with a pair of corn on the cob holders. Oh baby just climbed in a laundry basket? QUICK! *Don't* post a pic!
THE 'UNSUCCESSFUL MOTIVATOR' POSTER: People regurgitating a plethora of cringe inducing quotes, motivational pictures, inspirational phrases, and "you can do it, if you change" slogans makes even the calmest of us want to hurl our computers across the room with incoherent rage. Usually these posts originate from the people that need their own quotes the most.
THE 'LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEE POSTER: I'm so fun and sexy, wow look at MEEEEEEEE!!!!!! One duck face, mirror shot, sitting in restaurant with heaping plate of non-human grade food in front of them, jump in the air on the beach picture after another. These heavily biased photos feature in every possible camera angle the 6 days out of 365 the person isn't languishing in front of a screen deteriorating into a pile of shit watching Seinfeld reruns. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
THE 'MY OPINIONS ARE FACT' POSTER: Our petty self-interest narrow minded opinions on matters you have no exposure to facts or evidence on, are disgusting and nobody is interested. We don't care about your phone manufacturer preference, presidential candidate views or commentary of government policy. You are most likely stunningly wrong on all those "facts" you've gathered from the Internet, talk shows and uninformed friends. Wire shut that spewing volcano of conjecture - we don't give a fuck what you think about ANYTHING!
THE 'SQUANDERED LIFE' POSTER: The latest exploits of overweight, unkempt and unmotivated 30 and 40 something housewives playing Farmville. Firsthand accounts of their countless hours growing virtual crops on their make believe farms. Missing is the pathetic rundown on their real world efforts at cooking real food for their real children. McDonald's for dinner again eh?
THE 'GRANULAR DETAIL' POSTER: "At Starcocks drinking the new Moca Ice Fuckachino". "My little Bobby just pissed in the toilet for the first time on his own". "All finished breast feeding at TGI Friday's". "This line up is too long, I'm so bored". "These extra zesty chips are so 'yum'" "Taking break from gardening, maybe I'm not such a green thumb after all LOL".
THE 'MARKETING ARMY' POSTER: All that combined human effort Facebook users expend to let each other know which corporate brands they identify with the most, must surely be a sign the day of reckoning is fast approaching. Yes, link to Doritos so we can get one more ad shoe-horned into that news stream courtesy of a fellow user. Facebook users love doing the marketing leg work for companies, as they seem infinitely more motivated about letting everyone know they 'Like' Popchips and Lady Gaga than visiting their dying grandfather in the hospital for his last gasp of air.
THE 'WE'RE MARRIED!!' POSTER: You were married 2 fucking years ago, TWO YEARS. The distribution of evidence thereof is no longer necessary; we're all puking at the sight of them now. One more picture of one shovelling that wedding cake into the other's gullet and I'll flex test my screen until it shatters into a trillion anger felt pieces showing the universe.
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".
The philosopher then stepped up "Okay, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorised!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat". The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my asshole". And the idiot went to heaven.
A man goes to an upscale restaurant for his evening meal, but while enjoying his soup, he drops his spoon. His waiter is nowhere in sight so he flags down a passing server. The man says "I know you're not my waiter, but I dropped my spoon. Could you please bring me another one when you go back into the kitchen?"
The second waiter reaches into the breast pocket of his jacket and withdraws a spoon, the diner notices not only a full set of silverware, but a napkin as well tucked neatly into the waiter's pocket. The man accepts the spoon and comments "Thank you, but how do you come to have a full set of silverware in your pocket?" The waiter replies that the restaurant is under new management, and the new guy is all about efficiency. "The next time I'm in the kitchen, I can replace whatever I need to and don't have to make a special trip, you see".
The second waiter departs and the man finishes his soup. When the 1st waiter comes back to bring the man his bill, the man notices a string dangling from the waiters fly. The man says "I don't want to embarrass you, but you have a string sticking out of your fly". The waiter makes a bit of a grimace, and says "Yes, it's part of the new managers time saving techniques - you see, the other end is tied the head of my John Thomas, and when I have to use the loo, I can take it out and piss without having to touch myself. Therefore I don't have to take the extra time to wash my hands".
The man seems naturally dubious, and asks "Well, I see how the string works to take it out, but how do you put it back without touching yourself? The waiter looks around shiftily, pats his breast pocket, and says "I don't know about these other guys, but I use this spoon right here".
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE FASCINATION WITH NIP SLIPS? SUCKS TO BE YOU THEN!
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Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man "Are you aware of how fast you were going?" The man replies "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in".
The cop gives him a sceptical look and says "Were you the one being robbed?" The man casually replies "No, I committed the robbery".
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding... AND committed a robbery?" "Yes" the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back".
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me". The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here" he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car".
The man replies "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighbourhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, pounds the shot glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench press it 100 times".
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses onto the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day".
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat".
All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:
"I should be in charge" said the brain. "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge" said the heart. "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over".
"No! I should be in charge" said the stomach. "I process the food that gives us energy".
"I should be in charge" said the legs. "Without me the body couldn't go anywhere".
"I should be in charge" said the eyes "I allow the body to see where it goes".
"I should be in charge" said the anus. "I am responsible for waste removal".
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
The moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the asshole is usually in charge.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen".
Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mum. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mum says "Shit!" "Mum, what is shit?" and she says "Perfume".
So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells "Fuck!" The boy asks "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing".
Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks "What are condoms?" and his father says "Condoms are coats and jackets".
The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says "Hello! Please come in, bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mum is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken".
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was okay because he loved her so much.
"I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married". She said "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis".
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I spend countless hours adding a fuck tonne of the stuff you find here to your favourite social networks. But don't worry - there's nothing that too unsafe for work which means if you like, comment or share your friends won't find out you're a deviant animal.
-Check out the archives... or is this something we need to talk about...?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do I make myself clear?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will TEAR YOU APART. Rrrrrrr!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never trust your farts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.08.04-18.39
Welcome to the party, Richter.
All my grand plans to write a whole bunch of words to fill this top section unravelled somewhere around 4pm. Completely understand this means huge disappointment for tens of you; maybe more. Sorry about that. It's not that I didn't want to, just that time got the better of me. I know sometimes it looks or sounds like I do fuck all but the opposite is true... mostly... well it has from time to time been true.
This week has been a clusterfuck of whatever fucks clusters. You might have noticed some downtime last Friday - kind of my fault. I put a support ticket in to make some config changes then walked out the door to go do stuff. Check my email a few hours later only to find urgent replies that shit was broken in the process; techs need passwords to X and so on. Meanwhile I'm juggling toddler dinner/bath/bed whilst the GF is trying to stave off an asthma attack. It took a lot of updating tickets with techs and server hosts to unfuck what was a tiny but disastrous mistake.
The IT madness escalated from there. All Saturday day and night was spent learning Wordpress and building a website. Frustrating although eventually got the gist of it. Sunday morning kicked off fixing a home network [that wasn't broken in any way] and bring months of complaints to end. Then later on, I gave in and handed over my printer because the "You're printer is fucked. It doesn't work anymore. Stop calling me about it" message just wasn't getting through. No good deed goes unpunished - twice I've needed to submit forms this week. Doing that involved emailing a .pdf to the GF at work, her printing and bringing home that night, filling it in, her taking it back to work, then scanning and emailing back to me. Funnily, or is it frustratingly, these are just the ones for family. There's a whole bunch for others that weren't...
Ones that weren't for family have become hard in and of themselves. For example, one particular friend has PC issues occasionally. Whenever there's a problem the laptop gets dropped off and picked up. Convenient right? Nope. When you factor a minimum 45 minutes chit-chat either side its anything but. So I decided to get smart and install a remote viewer to take control of the laptop from afar and avoid those long chit-chats. NOW when there's problem my phone rings and I have to explain what I'm doing as I'm doing it and we have the chit-chats anyway. It's amusing in an ironic way.
If I ever work out what I want to do next in life I'll be sure to tell everyone its something mundane; a job that doesn't involve a skill they might need. Like no one is every going to ask for help cleaning viruses off their computer if you work as a bank teller.
Alright that went on longer than I expected. Its probably enough to just post as is without pasting a bunch of jokes in here... but if I don't that I'll have to go back an rewrite the start where I said I wasn't going to write a whole bunch of words and I'm basically back where I started. Holy shit. The realisation I'm retarded... all over again. Check it...
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours" he replies "Gold, Silver and Bronze". "What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course" says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change".
--
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realised the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational" responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary". "Ooh, sorry" said Clinton "you should have been there yesterday".
--
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says "None". The teacher asks "Why?" Johnny says "Because the shot scared them all off". The teacher says "No, two, but I like how you're thinking". Johnny asks the teacher "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says "The one sucking her ice cream". Johnny says "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
--
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No" I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note. "Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled up?" she asked. "No" I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note. "Now" she said "have you ever seen $63,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No" I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage".
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
--
After she woke up, a woman told her husband "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight" he said. That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
--
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages". The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said "Yes son, we call it your mother".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
DATING DISASTERS
Whilst some of these people clearly ended up on dates with total asstards, if you read between the lines you might say some of them were a little too quick to judge. Would love to hear the other side of the story! Check it...
-I was 25 and working at a restaurant in a busy mall. There was a guy who worked at the art store next door to us who asked me out. We went to a nice restaurant and had just ordered when he leaned over the table and said "I shave my balls". I excused myself, went through the kitchen and straight out the back door to a bar to use the phone to call my friend to pick me up.
-The date went well and we were back at her place, making out. Things were progressing rather well, when she suddenly stopped me and said that before we did anything more she had to confess that she has untreated bipolar disorder, and how on her 'highs' she goes on crazy shopping sprees, and has racked up tens of thousands of dollars of debt at times. Okay. And in order to deal with this debt, sometimes she sleeps with men for money. I wasn't sure whether she was revealing this information because she expected money from me if we did it, but either way, I was out of there.
-On my fourth date with a guy my mum set me up with, we were playing pool and enjoying a couple of beers when a girl came up to our table, introduced herself, and then threw her beer on my date. The girl left, and about 30 minutes later, the police showed up and arrested him. They then took me in for questioning and asked me how long I've known him, where I was on this day, and so on. I then found out my date had set his roommate on fire and thrown him down a flight of stairs. Now he's in prison, and I never accepted another blind date invitation again.
-After the date, he walked with me towards the train. We passed by a restaurant with a lovely little couple in the window eating their dinner when my date says "Hey, have you ever mooned anyone?" At this point, I was like "I'M OUTTA HERE!" and started briskly walking to the train. He proceeded to moon the couple, as if it was totally normal behaviour, and then caught up to me. He was laughing like an unstable psycho. Before I could tell him to kindly get lost, he stood before me, and completely dropped trou. Just lettin' it alllll hang out. The next morning he texted me that he had a really amazing time and could not wait to see me again.
-The worst date I ever went on was with a guy I'd known in high school. Jack was the captain of the basketball team, an A student, and all-around good guy whom I'd only admired from afar during my senior year. I saw him at a party 10 years later, and we ended up having a conversation. By the end of the evening, we had dinner plans for a few nights later. He picked me up right on time and had the reservations made - all good signs, right? WRONG! The gregarious guy from the party apparently had left on a permanent vacation, and I was suddenly sitting next to Mr. Silent. Then, a couple Jack knew sat behind us, and he proceeded to turn completely around and have a conversation with them. He didn't even acknowledge my presence! It was horrifying. My saving grace was a friend of mine who happened to be waitressing that night. She saved me with an 'emergency' phone call. Jack didn't even offer to drive me home when I announced I had to leave; he said "okay" and kept on talking! The best part of the story? He actually called me the next day and asked if I wanted to go out again!
-He said he only had 10 dollars to spend, so we "would have to split a beer". Then he wanted to slow dance but he kept stepping on my feet. When we went to sit back down, he missed the whole chair and fell down, and I knew he wasn't drunk because he'd had HALF a beer.
-I was out with a new man I'd met. We had a great time, and he suggested we go back to his house and watch a flick. So we were talking and watching a movie and were having a glass of wine when he mentioned something about going up to get a cigarette. He slipped away and I didn't think anything of it, until 30 minutes later when I realised I was still sitting on the couch in this stranger's home. Alone. To keep from bothering him, if he was talking to some friends or something, I texted him to ask him where he went. He texted me back 10 minutes later to tell me he was in bed. He left me, the first time in his home, alone. On the couch. For 40 minutes. And went to bed. I was so irked I just got up, put the wine away, and walked out quietly. Needless to say, I didn't call him again.
-We walked almost four miles in 20-degree weather, searching for a Taco Bell he kept insisting was only another few blocks. For our 99-cent tacos, we went dutch. Also, he kept telling me how he was restraining himself from using his smartphone.
-I met him online and liked him, but I knew something was off when I heard his suggestions for our first date: sky driving, going away to the mountains for the weekend, going for a helicopter ride, etc. I suggested we grab a bite downtown. When he picked me up, I got into his car and all he said to me was "So, your place or mine? We can go to mine but I think my mum might still be up". He was 29. I left early and he text me the next morning saying that I needed to "be more attentive to his needs".
-Met a girl at her work at like, a moment's notice (she was a waitress and there was literally nobody else in the entire place). We talked for a few hours, then another dude shows up... to meet her. From Tinder. She would later blog about the experience and describe me as "dull and unattractive".
Dating Disasters got a run last year. If you missed them they can be found in the Orsm Archives here.
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered "No, this is my first time".
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute" she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
"Well, come on" she said "We don't have much time". So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and *URRRGHHHH* I was done within moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said "I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.
Picture if you will, a mountain high on top of the world with a sharp cliff that provides an excellent jump to your death. There are three men standing by this cliff and remarking at what a long way down it is.
Suddenly, a good fairy appears and says "Good gentlemen I will give you one wish. As you jump off this cliff, call out your wish, and I will grant you your wish and safe passage to ground level".
So, the first man, who by the way was Italian, took a running start and jumped off the cliff. As he plummeted to almost certain human death, he called out "An IROC CAMARO with big fuzzy dice hanging in the window and a gorgeous girl to go alonggggg!!"
And just as the good fairy promised, he landed safely in between his new car and gorgeous blonde girl, where he proceeded to run from one to the other, not knowing which one to kiss first.
The second man, an East Indian by the name of Raj, saw what happened to the Italian and ran off the cliff happily screaming with his distinctive accent: "Riches and fameeeee!!"
It was a short and simple request, but that was all the English he could handle while jumping off a cliff. Well, low and behold as he reaches the bottom safely he is swarmed by dozens of adoring fans, while a limousine full of money arrives to pick him up.
Well, the last fellow was a short, stout fellow from a faraway place in a most northern country called Canada. The Canuck was so impressed at how the other two gentlemen had prospered in life that he gave careful thought to what he would say as he plummeted off the cliff at break neck speeds.
So, he began to run, and just as he neared the edge of the cliff he tripped on a stone and fell off the cliff, yelling with disgust: "SHIIIIIT!!!"
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-I met this guy at a party that my friend took me to, and he asked for my number. Three days after we started talking, he asked me to the movies. He said it wasn't a date and that we should both invite friends. I agreed but ended up not being able to go. Yesterday, I went to another party, and everyone there kept referring to me as his girlfriend! He'd told everyone we were exclusive.
-He called at the time he was supposed to pick me up to say he would be late. An hour and a half later, he showed up, but by then we had missed the movie we were going to see. So he says he knows this great little restaurant, which turns out to be a dingy bar in the basement of a hotel. We ordered (bad) food that arrived on dirty plates, and while we were eating, he explained that he used to be on anti-depressants but that it gave him erectile dysfunction. Depressed and impotent... way to sell yourself, dude!
-I went out to dinner with a guy and we ordered spinach dip... he found a tooth in the dip (yes, a TOOTH). My date complained, of course, and the manager apologised continuously, then comp'd the meal and gave my date a gift card to use later as consolation. Me and the date get back in his car, and he starts laughing... and confesses it was his tooth that he put in the dip because he wanted to get the meal free! Also, why the hell did he have a tooth lying around?
-He was an astronautic engineer enrolled in a prestigious Doctoral program, but also a complete idiot. He would not shut up, and he spoke so fast it was like being on a date with an auctioneer. Also, he could not stop staring at my chest; he made virtually no eye contact with me. I finally got angry and blurted out "Will you PLEASE stop staring at my boobs?" You will not believe how he responded: he actually got all pissy with me and said "Well, men are visual creatures and your breasts are disproportionately larger than the rest of your body. So you really can't get mad at me for staring at them".
-We go to the movies, and once it gets dark, it gets awkward. First, he decides that he wants to hold my hand, but instead of asking, he says: "You should hold my hand". I don't, so he grabs my hand anyway and places it in his lap and begins rubbing up and down my arm. I eventually manage to squirm my hand out of his crotch-area he lets go of my hand, so I'm monetarily relieved. That is, until his hand is suddenly on my lower back, under my shirt. I squirm away from that but then he begins rubbing his hands up and down my side. By now, I'm way past uncomfortable. I remove his hand and bolt to my car.
-Thirty minutes before we're supposed to meet he tells me his car broke down, so I go and pick him up. Once he gets in, he tells me he can't take me out to dinner because he needed his cash to fix his car but that we can eat for free at a barbecue at his friend's house. Fine by me, but we get there, and it turns out his "friend" is a big-time coke dealer, doesn't like my date, and especially didn't like him bringing new people to his "coke party". The best part was when he called my date a 'dip weasel' and invited me back -alone- for a few beers and poker.
-I chatted with a guy online for a few weeks, and we eventually decided to meet up. He picked me up in his truck, and drove more than 20 mph over the speed limit, tailgating everyone that got in our way, with me in the passenger seat holding on for dear life. After lunch, he told me he had a surprise for me, and took me to HIS MOTHER'S HOUSE. She was thrilled to have her son bring a girl home and seemed to know everything about me. Apparently he had been telling her everything we had been talking about online for the past few weeks. I'm still not sure which part is worse: feeling like I would never leave his vehicle alive, or the look in his sweet mother's eyes when she realised I had no intention of becoming her future daughter-in-law.
-I was dating this guy but hadn't slept with him yet because I wanted to take things slow. He said he was fine with that but then would still ask if he could stay over every time we hung out. Then one day I was in a good mood and thought "why not?" So I invited him upstairs. I still had my shitty Ikea twin bed from college so space was a bit of an issue. It started fine and then my hips slid into an awkward position between the slats of the bed. I tried to shift over and he froze... like went completely still as a statue and asked me what was wrong. When I told him nothing, I just needed to move a little to the right, he shouted "I'M A VIRGIN!" Jumped up out of bed and ran across the room, grabbed his pants and ran out of my apartment before I really even knew what was happening.
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These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son" says one "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift".
The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift".
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out" he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates".
30 BABES WHO WON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE IN ANYTHING BUT HEELS
Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a peddler came to the Rabbi's house.
"Rabbi" he said "I am going to kill myself!" "Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi "What could make you have such a sinful thought?" "Is it better than I should starve to death!? Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!" "Look" said the Rabbi "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you. Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count".
The peddler had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing there.
"Oy, vay!" said the peddler "I can't do this, the Count will have me hanged!" "Don't worry" the Rabbi assured him "take the horse and go in peace". Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the peddler did as he was told. When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep.
The next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep on the floor, kicked him and cried: "Hey you, who are you, what are you doing here, where is my horse?!" The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried: "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"
"What's this, what's this" cried the Count "what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!" "Don't you understand?" said the Rabbi "I was your horse! I used to be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and went to a prostitute. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being. Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"
Now the Count was a devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" and let the Rabbi go.
Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: "Scoundrel! Ingrate! Going to prostitutes again??!"
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Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating with, well, her mate, will devour him.
For the male praying mantis, however, it is a Catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal behaviour is commonly called the Praying Mantis Syndrome and many life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.
How did the Praying Mantis become stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied... relaxes while the Male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behaviour continues until the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male establishes a new pattern of behaviour: Football on Mondays, baseball on Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays, and bowling on Fridays.
The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the process of evolution, the Praying Mantis Syndrome is carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the head off the male. The Praying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
A couple from a circus goes to an adoption agency, but social workers have doubts about their suitability. They produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed a fulltime tutor who'll teach the child all the subjects, along with Mandarin and IT skills".
There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing. "Our full-time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet" they reply.
The social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were hoping to adopt. "It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits nicely into the cannon".
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. She was asked, what is the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? "A Beretta JetFire" she answered. Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta JetFire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop thinking about my penis. Stop the mental picture. I mean it stop. You're thinking about it now aren't you? Whether I'm cut or uncut? How long it is. Or short. Duuuude. Stop. Think about your own penis. You doing that? Eww you're thinking about both our penises facing each other aren't you? Holy crap that's nasty you sick freak. I'm outta here. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
