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orsmupdate 2012.08.30-20.06 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net.
Having one of those 'fuck computers' kind of weeks. Up until yesterday afternoon everything was going according to plan - just about to get started on sorting through my inbox for Reader Mail inclusions when I thought that would be a good time to duck out and speak to my neighbour quickly. Returned about 45 minutes later to a frozen computer. No biggie. It happens. Hit the reset button and immediately enter a world of hurt as it starts to boot then halts with a 'DISK ERROR' message. It was all downhill from there. Hours upon hours of patient and not so patient tinkering and disassembling both PC's hoping to cannibalise enough parts to get up and running again allowed me to recover various files that I'd been working on for this update. Hallelujah.
The fix is yet to happen but is going to involve at least a new hard drive. No problem there except I realised I'd be carless due to the GF's being out of action due to some group buy car detailing thing and her taking mine for the day. But the tank is almost empty. Better find my wallet and hand over the bank card. Can't find wallet. Maybe it's in the car. Where's the car key? Oh for fucks sake. After some vigorous searching it finally turned up but wallet was still nowhere to be found. Started to tear the place apart after that before remembering I'd last had it in a mate's car a few days ago. Funny how such trivial problems can cause so much frustration.
The other highlight of the night was around midnight. Heard some weird noises outside. At first didn't think much of it however it continued so went out for a look. Sure enough there's some dickheads in a crappy old Hyundai carving up the park. Usually wouldn't have a problem with it but kids use that park every day, I use the park every day and would have to look at the mess until it grows back. They weren't holding back either - figured it wouldn't be long until they hit something and rolled. Stayed and watched for about 20 minutes waiting waiting. Eventually the cops showed up, parked in the shadows and got out to watch. It was about this point the Hyundai guys decided they'd had enough and went to exit... then they saw the cops. Never have I seen such a quick u-turn as they tried to flee. Cops raced back to the car, lights and sirens on and went after them. Incredibly they exited the other side and steered straight down the driveway of a house [to hide?], cops followed and boxed the dumbasses in. Not sure what happened from there. Doubt they were arrested although the car would probably have been confiscated for 28 days under hoons laws. Thankfully the grass wasn't as dug up and destroyed as it could have been either - a very dewy night saved it.
Anyway back to what I was saying... the whole update procedure has been a total cunt. I've gone from having all my files readily and easily accessible to working across the home network, from two monitors down to one with rows of dead pixels. If I've learnt anything -and lets be honest it's not as if I haven't had countless lessons before- it's that RAID is a piece of shit untrustworthy, unreliable technology. Never again.
Still got a bit of space to fill so prepare yourselves for a few paragraphs about an amazingly ordinary weekend. Now would be a good time to scroll down a little bit to get to the good stuff but if you are for some reason interested in further rambling...
We've been meaning to find a spare half day to do house related stuff for a while and now that it looks like we may actually be moving towards actually starting it was time to go look at various fixtures and whatever else. Essentially just to get an idea of what products are out there so when we're asked “what finishes do you want?” we can answer with more than a blank stare. So the morning was spent walking around a display centre. Tonnes of cool toys around but the reality is an $8000 LCD touch panel that controls bathroom lights is never going to happen. From there it was northward to catch up with a friend, some gathering of food and home to cook up for the next day because...
Sunday was another 'the old crew' get together. More or less the same people that would once upon a time hit the town [DC's, Gravity - anyone?] together on a Friday night and still be partying come Sunday morning and on some occasions Monday morning, except now they all have kids. Had a good time though, unhealthy food was devoured, good to see everyone etc. That was all over by mid-afternoon and from there it was home and work for the duration. Yes I gave up half of a beautiful day but I'm getting mountains of stuff done. Now if October could just hurry the fuck up and get here...
Okay so as mentioned above there was a huge chunk of time robbed from me yesterday so where there was supposed to be Reader Mail you will instead find a butt load of new videos to keep you amused. Don't blame me - blame OCZ and their shitty SSD drives. Let's get on with things. Check it...
Going Mental - Craigslist Lulz - cRaZy Whore - Drunk Facial - Astounded - Kate Upton - Meth Is Evil - Ill Advised
Ya Like That!? - Tightness - Plow Through - Power Fucks - Overly Dramatic - Messed Up - Yoga Hotness - Asswipe
Wrecked - Lil Cutie - Butt Sex - Srsly WTF? - Sandy Vaj - Repugnant - Oh Shit!! - Knockers - Secret Sauce - Ouchies
So stoked!! I finally achieved my lifelong dream of having as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.
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Chuck Norris was bitten by a snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain... the snake died.
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In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits". I said "Sorry mate did he drown?" "No" he said... "he choked on a sock"...
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Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
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A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum about it. Her mum calmly said "That part where hair has grown is called 'monkey'. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair!" The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing... mine is already eating bananas".
ORSM
VIDEO
A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever. Just as he does, he hears a voice say "Don't touch that lever".
The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down, he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination, he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, "I said don't touch that lever!"
Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake. The driver, in much astonishment, says "Was that you that just spoke?" The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever. If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world".
The driver, still rather astonished, asks "What is your name? And will you talk on TV?" The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't interested in going on TV. Anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see that it wasn't moved. The driver said "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews. That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever".
Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out. They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers of moving the lever.
A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area. He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprung a leak. When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control, and he found himself headed straight for the lever. He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might to manoeuvre the truck. Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve, but he ran over Nate, the snake and killed him flat!
The truck driver was heard to say "Well, better Nate than lever".
| SOME GIRLS WILL NEVER GIVE UP THEIR TOYS |
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THE PARALYMPICS
-What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics? Not being disabled.
-I wonder why they don't do golf at the Paralympics. I'm sure they would all have an excellent handicap.
-The Americans have thrown away any hopes of a medal in the Paralmpics archery event. Their only entrant is Michael J Fox.
-I don't know why some people are kicking up such a fuss at some members of the England football team not singing the national anthem. Last week, I was watching the Paralympics and some of our gold medallists couldn't even be bothered to stand up for it.
-China has today announced its dream team for the approaching Paralympics, including medal favourites Fu Kin Mong, Sim Pal Twat, Wan Lim Gon, Fut Long Tung, Won Kee Eye and Mai Lef Fut.
-I've gone and upset me wife's feminist friends again. How was I to know that the Paralympics wasn't just for women.
-Will there be specified parking spaces for the non-disabled at the Paralympics?
-There have been a few complaints about the Paralympics, concerning the Opening Ceremony. Apparently, it's not been planned very well. There are only five disabled parking spaces at the stadium.
-I was playing the Olympics on the PlayStation and out of respect for the Paralympics, I broke two of the buttons.
-Have you seen the ticket prices for The London 2012 Paralympics? They're Crippling.
-I heard Coldplay are to play at the Paralympics... ust in case they weren't depressed enough already.
-Apparently, the National Press in the UK has stated there are 4.2 million people on Disabled Benefits. Paralympics is ours FUCKERS!
-What's the worst thing you could do after winning the Gold Medal at the Paralympics? Walk away with the trophy.
ORSM
VIDEO
I wasn't going to post this. It's cheesey and manipulative but still somewhat entertaining...
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said "I've got something to tell you". She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly "Why?" I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer. She had lost my heart to Jane.
I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release.
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions. She didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple - our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms!" His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly "Don't tell our son about the divorce". I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work.
I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realised that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realised she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was greying. Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realised that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this.
It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed "All my dresses have grown bigger". I suddenly realised that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said "Dad, it's time to carry mum out". To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly. It was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said "I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy". I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs, Jane opened the door and I said to her "Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore". She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. "Do you have a fever?" she said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Jane" I said "I won't divorce".
My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the florist on the way home I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote "I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart".
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son - I'm a loving husband...
| BIKINIS... THE VERY ESSENCE OF LESS IS MORE |
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Ottawa house. One is from Vancouver, another is from Toronto and the third, is from Newfoundland. All three go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well" he says "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me".
The Toronto contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.
"The Newfoundlander doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700". The official, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Newfoundlander whispers back "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence". "Done!" replies the official.
And THAT is how government contracting works...
| *AHEM* TIP JAR HUMOUR |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Reader Mail will be back next week. If you'd like to contribute just click here and don't be a dick about it.
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead centre.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the town drunk.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen" said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it" said the man. "I shoot first and then I draw the circles afterward".
| OKLAHOMA... EVERYTHING'S GOIN' MY WAY... |
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Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way".
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first" he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
RANDOM SHITE
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Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says "Lena did you know there are 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?" Lena says "No I didn't. Gee you're smart".
Ole says "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says "No I didn't. Gee you're smart".
Ole says "And Lena, did you know there are over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?" "No" says Lena sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play. "How did you get so smart?"
Ole says "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?" "Yes I remember" says Lena. "Well, you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass".
| DOES ANYONE KNOW A GOOD TYLAR...? |
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SHOULD I REALLY JOIN FACEBOOK
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [its red] I'm supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me "Paper or Plastic?" I just say "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual". Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot".
Senior citizens don't need more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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Well thank you to whatever higher power intervened allowing me to get this update finished. Looked hopeless for a while there but alas my perfect record remains unblemished. While I revel in my own awesomeness please read the following...
-Check out the site archives. They're cool.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Higher power willing of course.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ejaculate into his hand and throw the fresh semen in your face. Any other delivery method would be faggy.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems, spend less time drinking or smoking and socialising, and more time working. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.08.23-20.52 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Churlish.
Started last update crapping on about being sick for the second time this winter. Still not fully over that and to make it all the more sucky, my tonsils are now sore. Wondering if I'm in for something else or it's just a bonus prize. Oh how I look forward to next flu season. This shit is fucked.
Think I'll segue straight into what's been going on in my little life. I've been pulling 18+ hour work days all week so for the most part have no idea what's been happening in the outside world. Currently busting my ass to have three or four updates 100% finished well ahead of the next trip in October. In other words, the award winning and much revered social commentary that you guys love and 'really makes you think' makes way today for a rundown of recent experiences. On we go...
Very weird having had what are almost free weekend days lately. With a spate of birthdays, brunch's and whatever else coming up in the next few months they aren't going to last but it's a nice change. Saturday was one of them and it was a relaxed start walking the mutt. Walks are becoming ever slower as she gets older. Used to be 4km walks. They changed to 2kms and now we're doing 1km which used to take 15 minutes and more recently blowing out to well over 20. Trying hard to keep her active for as long as possible so can only imagine how much shorter the distance and longer the duration is going to be. After getting home I went on a mission to find cheese of the parmesan variety. Okay so cheese is hardly blog-worthy but it is my favourite fetish and I apply liberally to almost everything. It's one of those things I'm particular about - the nasty Kraft brand crap isn't allowed in the house. So I headed to an Italian wholesaler someone had mentioned. Italian enough that the girl at the register couldn't speak English. Pay dirt. Bulk bags of pungent vomit smelling pecorino and smiles all round.
For probably the last six months or so one of the rear doors on my car has been screwed - lock wouldn't open or close when pressing the remote. It would however open manually so sure enough I'd forget to lock it manually. Surprising that no one ever broke in. Would literally have been as easy as lifting the door handle. Anyway last time it was in for a service I asked them to take a look. Of course they could fix it - all for the low, low price of $440. "Err what? How much of that is parts and how much is labour?" "Well that part is $185..." "So $250-ish labour? Nup. I'll do it myself". I looked online for a cheaper option. No luck except wreckers [almost the same price] and Alibaba where they're only $15each... if you're prepared to by 100 units. So after months of procrastinating I bought the part [an actuator] and proceeded to replace the old one. Grabbed my toolbox, stripped the door skin, undid some screws, slid the old actuator out, slid the new one in, connected cables and wires, tested it, put everything back and job done. All of 45 minutes out of my life. Would presumably be even quicker for a mechanic to do it and unbelievable that they charge that sort of money. Wankers. I then set about fixing a few other annoyances on the car and then the garage door before working on this very update for the rest of the day.
Had a pub crawl that night. We keep hearing about the 'emerging small bar scene'. Basically a bunch of über-cool bars which have appeared down dark laneways and building basements scattered around the CDB. I've been to a few of them and they're okay. The plan was to start at one side of the city and work our way through them. First place was good, second place was deserted, third place wasn't bad, third, fourth, and fifth wouldn't let a group of 20 in. Gayness. Thankfully the next one did. My good deed for the day came there too - the doorman complained he was freezing so lent him my jacket while we were inside. As we left to head home I asked for it back. A scraggy blonde in the line referred to this as a 'dog act'. Very close to a no good deed goes unpunished.
Sunday had two possible options. First was a 2.5 hour drive north along the coast to a place called Cervantes. Apparently it's a stunning drive with nothing to do when you get there. Second was to a little town called York about 90 minutes east. The plan was to get moving early... unfortunately waking up at 9.30 put an end to both ideas. Instead took the half hour drive south to Fremantle to do lunch at a seafood joint. We weren't in any rush but the hour or so wait to get our meals was a bit average, especially when the table next to us got their meals three separate times... as in the kitchen made them three times over. Even more amusing that the they managed to get the orders wrong with each iteration. Quite entertaining.
Spent the next few hours traipsing around the markets and various stores intertwined with mocking the exploding Hipster population. I get that it's a fashion but do they ALL have such bad eyesight that they ALL need thick-rimmed square glasses? Finally headed homeward late afternoon, quickly smashed dinner and swung by a friends' house for a couple that night. And that was that. As usual - not such a bad weekend.
If you made it through all the above you're probably gagging for me to hurry up and get on with it. Not to worry because this update delivers in spades so without further crapping on... check it...
Penguins Attack - Banged Senseless - Broken Adults - Meal For 2 - Dumb Wigger - Nude Teen Mom - Auto-Cunnilingus
Slaaapped - Kinky Nerd - I Love Her - Big Money - Filthy Poor - Craziest Of All - Finger Fuck - Poor Bull - One Punch
WTF Is That!? - Flying Squirt - Swallowers - Black Racist - Vintage Porn - Wiped Out - The Moves - Blown Out - Triple-P
I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver.
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Upon the birth of my new son, we all celebrated traditionally with Cuban cigars. The little poof was sick after only one drag.
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Sally and Harry have been married for 50 years and are being interviewed by a reporter from the local newspaper. "So Sally" asks the reporter "I know today is your golden wedding anniversary, how old, exactly, are you?" "I am 78 years old" replies Sally proudly. "And I hope I live to be 100". "Well I hope your wish comes true" says the reporter. The reporter then turned to Harry and asked "And how old are you, Harry?" "I'm also 78 years old" replies Harry "and, please God, I should live to be 101". "But why" asked the reporter "would you want to live one year longer than your wife?" "Well, to tell you the truth" replies Harry "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet ".
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking... and then I saw her face...
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!" She removes all her clothing and asks "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says "Here, iron this!"
ORSM
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POPULAR MYTHS DISPELLED
-Police are not required by law to tell you that they're police.
-Most meteorites are actually very cold when they hit the Earth.
-The amount of tryptophan in turkey doesn't make you sleepy. Huge meals of meats and starches make you sleepy.
-Cracking your knuckles doesn't cause arthritis.
-The red juice that comes out of raw meat isn't blood. It's a mixture of a protein called myoglobin and water.
-Toilet water does not spin in a given direction due to being in a particular hemisphere of the Earth. That phenomenon only occurs in weather patterns of hundreds of miles in size like hurricanes, due to the rotation of the Earth.
-The Great Chicago Fire was not caused by a cow kicking over a lantern, which was actually made up by a newspaper because it was a better story.
-Humans actually have five kinds of tastebuds, the fifth is used for detecting savoury flavours, like soy sauce or mushrooms.
-The sun isn't yellow, it's actually white, but the light gets scattered in our atmosphere and becomes yellow.
-You don't lose more body heat through your head than anywhere else on your body. It works out to about 10% leaving through your head.
-Mother birds do not abandon baby chicks that have been returned to the nest by humans.
-Lemmings don't walk off cliffs on purpose.
-Gold fish memory is not limited to seven seconds.
-Men don't think about sex every 7 seconds, because that varies greatly from person to person and is almost impossible to measure.
-The phrase "I could care less" is grammatically incorrect. If you could care less, it means you care about it.
-Sugar doesn't make you hyperactive.
-Alcohol doesn't make you warmer.
-People are not limited to using only 10% of their brains.
-The idea of being left or right brained making you artistic or good at math is a total myth.
-The Bible actually never specifies what kind of fruit Adam and Eve eat from the tree.
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle never had Sherlock Holmes say "Elementary, my dear Watson". The catchphrase comes from a 1929 film adaptation.
-You're not born with all of the brain cells you'll have for life.
-Einstein did drop out of school, but he also had amazing grades.
-Bats are actually not blind. It's just that their eyes aren't as functional as their amazing hearing and smell.
-Your hair and fingernails don't keep growing after you die.
-According to the Red Cross, it's not that big of a deal if you eat right before swimming.
-Watching too much TV doesn't affect your eyesight. It does however make you fat, depressed, and aggressive.
-While chameleons can be perceived to change their colour to match their background, a chameleon's colour change is actually the expression of the physical and physiological condition of the lizard. Chameleon's are already naturally camouflaged to match their surroundings, and change their colours depending on their mood, and sometimes a sign of communication.
-There are more than three primary colours because scientifically primary colours don't exist.
-You can't see the Great Wall Of China from space. No Astronaut, according to NASA, and now also a Chinese astronaut himself, has ever seen it.
-Shaving does not cause hair to grow back thicker or darker.
-Touching someone who has poison ivy can't give you poison ivy. It has to come from the leaves.
-Johannes Gutenberg didn't invent the world's first printing press. Printing presses in China have existed since around 593 AD.
-Swallowed chewing gum does not stay in your system for seven years.
-'Dog years' aren't a set thing and actually vary by breed.
-You have way more than five senses. Scientists put the total somewhere between 14-20, depending on your definition of "sense".
| PUTTING THE JOY IN OIL |
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A woman walks into a doctor's office and complains that her sex life is horrible. "My husband just can't seem to get interested enough, doc, and it's ruining our marriage! What could we possibly do?"
"Well" says the doctor "we have this new experimental drug called Viagra. Do you think he'd be open to try it?" the woman decides to trick her husband by slipping a pill in his coffee in the morning. The doctor is reluctant to try this, but says as long as the woman reports the results she'll allow it.
The next day, the woman walks in absolutely glowing. "Doc" she says "I feel like a brand new woman. We had sex all night long, better than ever! I love this medicine but i was wondering... what do you think would happen if i gave him... TWO pills?" Once again the doctor advises her to report back, since this is still an experimental drug.
Two days later the woman walks in looking a little tired but very satisfied. "The sex is amazing! He's unstoppable thanks to this Viagra but doc, I was wondering... what if he took five pills?" Same advice from the doctor and once again the woman leaves with instruction to report back.
She calls in a few days later sounding very tired indeed from endless hours of sex but she wants to try giving him the rest of the bottle of pills. Once again reluctant, the doctor only reminds the woman to report what happens.
The doctor doesn't hear from her until one day a little boy walks into the office and approaches the doctor. "Are you the dumbfuck that gave my mum a bottle of experimental drugs?" "... I suppose so.... but why do you ask?" "Well, mum's dead, my sister's pregnant, MY ass hurts, and dad's sitting in the corner saying 'here, kitty kitty kitty...!'"
ORSM
VIDEO
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know" responded the other. "I'll ask him". So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence" the boss said. "What do you mean 'intelligence'?"
The boss said "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can". The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence". "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said "Take your shovel and hit my hand ".
| HERE'S SOME MILF'S YOUR ABOUT TO MASTURBATE OVER... |
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When the new school year started, the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. She asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father said 'Son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land'. So, I know I am a Cherokee ".
The teacher then asks the next little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest and says in a booming voice "I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my father said 'Son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land'. So, I know I am a Comanche".
The teacher then asks the last little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Fuckawee ". The teacher looks dumb founded "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee ". The little Indian boy explains "My Father and I walked for many days and many nights. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day, my Father stopped in his tracks. He shielded the sun from his eyes to look around and said 'Hmm, where the Fuckawee?'"
| RELIC SOVIET EKRANOPLAN |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Reader Mail will be back next week. If you'd like to contribute just click here and don't be a dick about it.
Little Johnny and Susie are only ten-years-old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr Smith, me and Susie are in love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage".
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies "Well, Johnny, you are only ten. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely".
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr Smith says with a huge grin "Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job - you'll need to support Susie".
Again, Johnny instantly replies "Our allowance: Susie makes five bucks a week and I make ten bucks a week. That's about sixty bucks a month, and that should do us just fine".
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr Smith says "Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That won't happen... she only lets me fuck her up the arse".
| CHRISSY: BIG TITTY HOTTIE |
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A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say "Nice tie". Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said "Beautiful shirt".
At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind" he tells him. "I keep hearing these voices say nice things and there is not a soul in here but us". "It's the peanuts" explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts... they're complementary".
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On the last day of his French class Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam".
Heather realises that she needs to do well on the final exam or she won't graduate. After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office. "Professor Lint" she says in a sexy voice "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out".
Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.
Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?" "So far so good" the professors says "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon". "What's tomorrow?" "Tomorrow" Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam".
| CASI JAMES... CUTE AS HELL |
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On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" were televised to earth and heard by millions the world over.
But just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky".
Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky: "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well well well... we're fucking done and just in the nick of time too. I am fucking starving so while I pleasure my stomach, please read the following...
-Check out the site archives. Burp.
-Next update will be next Thursday. K?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put Tiger Balm on your dick.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and burp. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.08.16-19.14 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me... I'll go, I'll go, I'll go...
They said it couldn't happen. Look after yourself. Stay warm. Eat right they said. Do all that and you won't get sick again. They were wrong. Whatever nailed me a few weeks ago has come back for round two. H1N3, swine flu, whine flu, man flu, double pneumonia, triple pneumonia, QUADRUPLE PNEUMONIA!? Whatever it is I wish it would fuck off.
Really hasn't all been bad though. The contagion didn't kick in until late weekend and everything up to that point was ridiculously social... to the point I began to resent having to leave the house, resent not eating at home and resent having to talk to people.
There was a mad rush to finish last update to be ready in time for the circus. The GF had organised for us to go with some friends and their kids to a circus. Usually I would protest [Thursday night is Star Trek night after all] but the tickets were freebies and they're my friends so all good. When you hear the word 'circus' however your mind flicks to something OTT. Highwire acts. Elephants. Bears. Contortionists. The Grand Chapiteau. Suddenly you're expecting Cirque du Soleil. This wasn't quite that. Basically the show was an ensemble of street performers... chuck in an unfunny clown and can we go now? The kabillion screaming kids in the audience did seem to enjoy it however. Meal #1 away from home followed.
Friday began with an adjustment of the chiropractic variety and then on to meet friends at a café for a catch up. Next, lunch with a friend at a food hall [meal #2], then home to do work stuff for the rest of the afternoon. That night -of course- dinner in the city [meal #3] with a parent which preceded a stroll through the park surrounding the city. All very civilised...
Had been putting off a bunch of dog related chores for a while. Saturday was the day to finally get them done so after exercising her it was off to the vet for an injection. From there we headed for a mates place to pick up some powder stuff that is supposed to better her joints. Next stop the dog wash and then onto home. Spent the next couple of hours working before seizing upon the opportunity to wash the car. Can't remember the last time it got a clean. Windows disgusting, interior covered in dust and dirt and the exterior had wintery gunk just about everywhere. Finished up around 4, jumped in the shower and off we went again. This time for a friend's birthday which started with a picnic in the city by the river. Had half promised myself I wouldn't get drunk that weekend because the last however many in a row have all managed to include alcohol. Silly idea which was never going to last. We rolled afterward to a shitty Indian restaurant for dinner [meal #4] and more wine. Had potential to keep the party going but for one reason or another ended up dropping our passengers at a pub and calling it a night.
Rainy Sunday's are up there with my favourite things and one was delivered in earnest which meant we were confined to the house all morning. With this gift of free time I set about tackling a task of massive importance - cleaning the coffee machine. Something which took over an hour, involved screwdrivers, toothbrushes and some scrubbing. The result was coffee now tastes semi-decent again. T'was back to the dog again after that was done. Saturday's bath had revealed the need for a brush and groom. Admittedly failure to do so is more about my comfort than hers. Hair would end up literally everywhere. Anyway, another hour later and it was done. The amount of hair that actually came off was enough to fill a plastic grocery bag.
Next event was a family lunch [meal #5] at a restaurant about half an hour away. The drive out there was interesting. My biggest pet peeve in the world is other drivers, particularly cunts who don't bother indicating. Absolutely astounds me that people are so lazy they can't move their hand/fingers the 1-2 inches to let other drivers know they'll be turning or changing lanes. So what happens when the weather is bad? Heavy rain? Strong winds? They do it even more. Would have seen at least 20 idiots in that one drive. Unbelievable. I hope you all crash.
The lunch thing ran for about 3 hours and was surprisingly relaxed. Rarely the case with my fam. From there we stopped by to visit friends and eventually made way for home. Almost unbelievably another dinner thing had been planned for that night but I was saved by the fluey onset. And that was my pretty good weekend.
Alright on to more important things. Today's update is sure to tantalise and titillate so without further unnecessary words on a page let's get on with things. Check it...
SO Frustrating! - Butthole Tattoos - Satan In Cinema - Psycho Clown - Badass Mutt - Make It Rain - Miranda WOW
Epic Head - Good Girrrrl - Uncut - Rocker Babe - Thai Militants - Cunty Ex - Amish Rear-ender - Tubby Beej - Road Kill
BJ Burglar - What A Guy! - Olvia's Boobs - Disgusting - Tragic Accident - Finger Bangin' - Butt Hurts - So F-ing Sad
I see the Aussies didn't do very well in the Olympics, but then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.
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My mate asked me "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?" After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer "Chinese" I replied...
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A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece. In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events. At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".
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The Sailing results are in. GB took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
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The Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze... and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!!
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Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing!
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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
ORSM
VIDEO
ONE DAY WE'LL ALL BE SPEAKING CHINESE. THIS IS WHY...
-China will be the world's second largest consumer market by 2015. Currently number three behind the US and Japan.
-By 2020, China's consumer consumption nationwide will amount to 22 per cent of the total global consumption, behind only the US (35 per cent).
-Between 2010 and 2020, the number of households in China with an annual disposable income above US$10,000 (in nominal terms) will almost quadruple from 57.1 million households in 2010 to 222 million by 2020.
-China's per-capita G.D.P. is about $7,000, with consumption making up only 35% of the economy, due to the high levels of savings and corporate profits. So China's per capita consumption -the amount of money the average person spends- is only about $2,500 a year. In the US that figure is about $30,000.
-China launched the 'world's largest housing investment program'. As part of its new five-year plan (2011-2015), China will build 36 million affordable homes which, assuming three people to an apartment, is enough to house the combined populations of France, Australia and Canada.
-Macau is the world's top gambling destination, overtaking Las Vegas in total gaming revenues in 2007. Gambling has been legal in Macau, known as the Monte Carlo of the Orient, since 1847 and generates over 40% of Macau's GDP.
-From 2007 to 2009, retail sales in China grew by 25% annually.
-Four of the world's top 10 largest shopping malls are in China, including the world's number one and two largest.
-73% of Chinese surveyed regarded shopping as a leisure activity. 45% identified it as one of their favourite pursuits and just over half said it was among the best ways of spending time with the family. Chinese consumers often shop without any intention of buying. Sometimes they are window-shopping or comparing prices. At other times, they may be shopping as a sport, competing with friends to find the best deals.
-The Chinese are extremely brand conscious. 45% of Chinese consumers surveyed believe that higher prices correspond to better quality, compared with just 16% in the US and 8% in Japan.
-China possesses about 6% of the world's total land area on which it must sustain 20% of the world's population.
-China is now the largest food producer in the world. China is the world's top producer of agricultural products by value, with total production of about 4,078 billion RMB (US$536 billion). Japan is China's largest food export market.
-With almost half a billion pigs, China is the world's largest pork consumer and producer. China has more pigs than the next 43 largest pork producing countries combined (US is #2 with 65.9 million pigs).
-China is the world's largest producer and consumer of rice.
-China is the world's largest apple producer (followed by the US in second place) and the world's leading exporter of apple juice.
-McDonald's expects to double the number of locations in China in the span of three years. In 2010, it had about 1,100 outlets but expects to grow to a total of 2,000 stores by 2013. McDonald's opened its first outlet in Shenzhen in 1990 and employs more than 60,000 people throughout the country.
-KFC has over 3,200 outlets throughout China. In 1987, KFC was the first Western fast-food chain to gain entry to the Chinese market. Parent company Yum! also operates 520 Pizza Hut restaurants and 120 home delivery locations in China.
-China surpassed Europe as the world's biggest beer market. According to Credit Suisse's World Map of Beer, in the space of a couple of decades the country has gone from barely touching a drop to become the world's biggest beer market, a considerable distance ahead of America. And beer consumption in China is growing by nearly 10% a year.
-China, the world's sixth largest wine producer, will be the world's top producer by 2058.
-An anonymous Chinese phone bidder paid US$232,000 each for three bottles of 1869 Château Lafite Rothschild at a Sotheby's auction in Hong Kong smashing the record of $156,450 paid in 1985.
-In China, coffee sales in stores more than tripled from 2004 to 2009. In 2009, coffee sales hit 4.6 billion yuan (US$694 million).
-Starbucks dominates the Chinese market with around 70% per cent market share.
-China is the world's largest cotton producer and importer. Between 1949 and 2007, China's annual cotton production has leaped from 440,000 tons to 35.3 million bales, representing almost 30% of the world's total output.
-China is the world's largest steel producer. In 2009, China's steel industry produced 567 million metric tons of crude steel, which represented 46.3% of the world's total output.
-China produces 95% of the world's rare earth metals, which are critical in the manufacture of many high-tech products ranging from smartphones to smart bombs.
-China is also the world's leading producer of aluminium, antimony, barite, coal, fluorspar, graphite, iron and steel, lead, tin, tungsten, and zinc.
-China produced almost 50% of the world's flat glass and cement in 2006.
-China is the world's largest producer of gold, after taking the top spot in 2008 from South Africa, which was the world's top producer since 1905. China produced 276 metric tons of gold in 2007, representing over 10% of the world's total.
| BONING KAGNEY |
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A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a beautiful real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?" "Willis" he replied. "Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later".
"That's mighty nice of you" Willis answered "but I don't think my wife would like it". "Aw come on" Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay" Willis finally agreed and added "but my wife won't like it".
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset". "Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile "she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle". "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try" he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says "Father, you're not going to believe this". "What?" asks the priest "what happened?" "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation" insists the doctor "it's a miracle! Here's your baby".
Fifteen years go by and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father". The son says "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father"...
| HALLOWED BE THY CLEAVAGE |
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This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together. Ehen they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" she said. "Look, don't worry" he said. "It will be quick, I promise you".
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us... a neighbour... anybody!" "At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it". "I've already said NO, and NO is final!" "Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too". "NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately he says "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I REALLY need this blowjob".
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown looking half asleep. Rubbing her eyes she says "Dad said 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep!'"
| SUCH A LOAD OF SHIT |
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READER MAIL
Much to my approval there's been a buttload of awesome submissions over the last couple of weeks. The only hard part is wielding the axe and deciding what does and doesn't make the update but that's a small price to pay for having a few spare hours handed to me every second week. That's because, if you hadn't worked it out, mail now runs fortnightly instead of weekly. Anyway if you would like to submit and possibly have your shit featured on Orsm then clicking here is the place to start. We're always on the lookout for gazongas, jokes, titties, videos, ex-girlfriend porn, breasts, random pics, cans, tata's, hooters, norks racks and anything else boob related. Like ii said - click here and make it happen. Check it...
<with held> wrote:
Subject: No of squares
There are 40. 8 baby ones. 18 next size (corner size). 9 made up of 4 corner sized. 4 made up of 9 corner sized. PLUS the whole thing makes 1 square
Lotta lotta replies about this one. I'm just going to go with the shortest. And thanks to paul m who whipped this up. -Orsm |
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Davie wrote:
Subject: wtf is this creature
I think that the question is WTF is this creature part? It looks like intestines. The movement is peristalsis. Cheers. |
Kim wrote:
Subject: For Your Consideration
Mr ORSM. Long time reader and until now moved, a non contributor, but this link I was forwarded spun me out. This is a legit online Chinese wholesaler of a gazillion different products for a gazillion different manufacturers. It freaked me out when I first saw the watermark on the products pics until I realised that it was the manufacturing company's name. The company manufactures "semi solid" (whatever that is) "Japanese sex dolls". This is a bloody funny example of Chinglish, Lost in Translation, call it what you will. I can't even begin to explain the whole sales pitch and product info but the 2 standouts for me are describing a vagina as having "the very real crunch" and the photo montage stating "actual product is not the same"
Only USD$115. Cheaper than any other girlfriend you will find. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. -Orsm |
the brow wrote:
Subject: Designed this
Sick of blokes who talk the talk but dont walk the walk. Hope you can use it. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Olympic tittie
Always enjoy your site. Here is a little screen shot of Olympic Tittie i grabbed off the screen from water polo. Wonder if NBC will get fined for this one? Thanks
More of these here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Nice Toe - no details please |
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justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Buy a lottery ticket dick heads
But where's the fun in that? |
steven wrote:
Subject: Daughter of the Year Award Goes To......
Sup From America!!! Here's a Kid from My Hometown of Northport, Long Island. Somebody's got some issues. Stay Frosty my friend.
Wow. Spoilt brat much? -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Texting
ATTENTION ALL GADGET FREAKS... Has Texting Gone too Far? As long as she is working at the job, I don't mind.
"G2GICYAL8ER omg lol" -Orsm |
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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Beach sign
Sign is located outside a snack bar @ Gateway Nat'l park, Sandy hook, NJ (Gunnison beach, clothing optional) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 50 Shades
50 Shades of Grey (Men's Edition)
50 Shades of Grey [pornstar edition]. -Orsm |
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steve wrote:
Subject: birthday present
Hi mate. Have found that home brewing kit you was looking for. Have you got room to fit it in ? |
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Kirumburu wrote:
Subject: Human Rights
Hi ORSM, I swer the pic of the poster was taken at a women's street demonstration. When they dont get it, they can ask the Kenyan Government to step in and make the men give it to them. Kenya is a great country! The other pic has a guy who is not lifting the tortoise..... |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Burgerrrrrrrr!
I suppose this is Australian cuisine at its very best - their version of fine dining. Convert the price to ZAR and you've got quite an expensive burger! ONE GREAT AUSSIE THING TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE ?
STOP FOR A BITE TO EAT AT THE NINDIGULLY PUB IN WESTERN QLD ?
Queensland you say...? I'll be right over. -Orsm |
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Ancient Stun wrote:
Subject: who is this
found these on my roommates computer haha
Roommate has good taste. -Orsm |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Hot honda
Orsm, Son and his mates with a CB250, trying to get it going and it is one hot bike. The fire brigade turned up and hosed it down. Hope you can use it and the images. |
gordon wrote:
Subject: Indian Pics
Some pics of an Indian Ho I was banging. Not the best boob job but jeez she could suck and fuck!
People who complain about fake boobs need to consider what they looked like pre-boob job. -Orsm |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: FAN INDIANA FEARRI
This car is a work of art, an antique lover's dream car: An Indiana Ferrari. A converted manure spreader with class! Some Hoosier farmer figured out a creative use for all the worn-out farm junk that accumulated around the place.... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Natives In thr praires
I took all pictures myself and I believe natives like that are a national treasure. keep details
What a lovely smile... -Orsm |
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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Geological Wonders |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fillipino girl pic
ORSM love ur site. here are pics of phillipino girl who was a Hooters girl in Ohio and Arizona USA. As always no name or details. Thanks |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: The darker knights rises
Hey there mister Orsm dude, I thought you may get a kick out of this little video I put together. Cheers [Youtube link here] |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks. She replied "You can... if you have sex with me".
The guy screams at the vulgar idea and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her". "Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy. "Because she was FUCKING UGLY and I couldn't do it!" "Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door" the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa.....?" he stammers, using all of his will not to barf at the sight of this beast. "Water? Yes, I have water" she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me". "AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?" "You have to have sex with me". Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here" she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars". "Then lay back and close your eyes again". This she does and he proceeds to again fuck the hell out of her with the second ear of corn until she cums. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert". "Eyes closed" he says. Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh... the water, money and Jeep are outside" she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. Soon enough he spots them by the window. One of the guys says "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
| AURORA SNOW |
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A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell crude stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots".
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful" he said. The blonde put her driver away and said "I really didn't get onto it... faded it a little".
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son said "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly". The blonde frowned and said "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt". She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old single malt in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night".
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup".
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup".
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said "That's a gimme, sweetheart". The blonde smiled and said "Your car or mine?"
RANDOM SHITE
We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!
One day Mrs Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend" she started "I have a problem. My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea" said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr Jones is sleeping and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg".
In the church the following Sunday it wasn't long before Mr Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mrs Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hat pin. "Yes, you are right, Mr Jones" said the minister.
Soon, Mr Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs Jones. "God!" Mr Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hat pin. "Right again" said the minister, smiling.
Before long Mr Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hat pin again.
The minister asked "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs Jones poked her husband, who yelled "You stick that darned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!" "Amen" replied the congregation.
| MILF-TASTIC JULIA ANN |
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A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Central London and tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the log book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The manager says "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
Hamish replies "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well here we are at the end... BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!
-Check out the site archives. They speak the truth.
-Next update will be next Thursday because that's how thigs are done.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will deny your request for asylum.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems or don't - okay? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.08.09-21.44 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I am FULLY gruntled.
Seems the neighbours have a new dog or maybe they're just dog-sitting. It sounds small. Probably very cute. Won't stop barking. Won't stop barking. Won't stop barking. As a result I'm finding it just about impossible to concentrate. Even with some doof doof cranked its annoying bark manages to penetrate between bass notes. If it continues I'll be forced to drop my grizzly German Shepherd over the fence and let nature take its course. One of them will either end up pregnant or as a delicious snack.
Besides that - having a great week. Have been close to home for most of it and even closer to the computer for most of that. My butt is actually sore from sitting too long. Herein lies another first world problem.
I was going to write some crap about the 'Abo Memes' Facebook page which has been causing some controversy in Australia lately but couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't be perceived as racist so let's move on to everything else that's been happening in my little world... starting with last Friday. A recent acquisition by female parent of a small business has seen my phone ring pretty much daily with IT related questions. As it goes, Friday is usually the only day I have time to head there and do whatever so that's what occupied most of my morning. Always more than happy to help and refrain from rolling my eyes but if everyone knew how to use computers the world would be a much, much better place and I'd have much, much more free time.
The rest of the day was spent conquering the mountain of papers blanketing my desk. Probably a good thing I didn't leave it any longer because there were numerous 'final notice' letters from fuckfaces like electricity and gas companies. Thankfully they were rectified, the papers were sorted, filed and you can now see the disgusting MDF desktop once again. The sense of accomplishment was palpable.
Early start Saturday to head one direction to collect a cake which the GF had assembled elsewhere earlier in the week before heading in the completely opposite direction for a second birthday party. I'd like to think some better planning would have made this easier but some battles aren't always worth fighting. The duration of the morning and into the afternoon was spent at said birthday devouring food you would never ever eat under normal circumstances. It was actually possible to feel yourself getting fatter just standing too close to the food table.
Finally making it home I was at a loose end. It was at this point the rules were broken. Usually I'll only allow myself to play PC games over the summer holidays [its winter here right now duhhh] but after being deeply angered by a cheating iPad game I had no choice. Minutes later Syndicate was installed and the afternoon disappeared happily.
We've been scouting for accommodation options whilst this old piece of shit house is demolished and built over. The latest offer is a friend's parent's house - they live overseas most of the year so if we're prepared to share with them when they around we can have it at a decent price and considering the absurd cost of rentals here that's something I can definitely handle. Anyway that was the early evening - an informal chat to discuss how it would work. Being that we were with friends someone suggested we head out for a quick meal. Five or six hours later we ended up back home very drunk watching the Olympics and doing Jäger shots. Gotta love those impromptu nights.
Woke up early the following morning, again surprisingly without any signs of a hangover but just to be sure, lay in bed until 10. The only thing that dragged me out was needing to walk the mutt, something we combined with hitting a local farmers market thing which started a few months ago. Whilst bordering on a colossal waste of time, I can now say I've been there and done that. Yay. The balance of Sunday didn't include much more than slow cooking dinner and playing Syndicate. All up a low achieving yet entirely relaxing weekend.
Alright that should do us with the babble. I'm confident what has been complied below will be responsible for more destroyed keyboards as a result of wild masturbations than any previous update ever. Enjoy yourselves. Check it...
Can U Escape? - Drugged Celebs - Epic Meltdown - Daredevil Tits - Hipster Babe - The Truth - Drive By - Squirrrt!
MILF-tastic - Dig Deep - Express Lane - Twisted Shit - Modified - Perfect Cans - Cum-splosion - Twins FTW
Breaking Butts - Thugged Up - Ass Douche - Hey Peewee - Self-Immolation - Bum Life - Oh Father - Badass
Husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived... I think I'll wear Gold tonight". Wife says "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change".
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My mate, who is a 1500m runner, has just started seeing a girl who runs the 400m. I can't see it working out though... mixed race relationships rarely do.
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I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, old man!" he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad". I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!
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Do you know what the collective noun for gay priests is? Priests.
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My girlfriend just had an abortion. On the positive side though, she just won weight watcher of the month.
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There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! The results of this study are pretty interesting: 75% of women think their ass is too big; 5% of women think their ass is too little; the other 20% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
ORSM
VIDEO
50 OF THE LAMEST BAR JOKES EVER
-A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go the bartender shouts "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves".
-A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the barman. "Of course" says the bartender. "Well" replies the man "I'll have a beer and my alligator will have a tax collector!"
-Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer. The bartender takes one look at them and says "Sorry fellas, we don't serve breakfast".
-A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry". The chicken replies "That's okay, I only want a drink".
-A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking "What would you like to drink?" "You'll have to speak up" replies the man. "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing".
-A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maître d' that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender asks "What'll it be?" The man replies "Give me a Stoli with a twist". The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says "Once upon time was four little pig".
-185 cakes walk into a bar. The bartender shouts "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!" To which the cakes reTORT "Where else should we go?" And don't move an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies "I don't care, I think there's a place yeast of here!"
-So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says "I' m sorry but I can't serve you"."Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says "Because you can't hold your liquor".
-Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a 'very' buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's lying on the floor and moans "Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Because he has a liquor license!"
-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks" says the bartender. "Put it on my bill".
-Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says to them "We don't serve your kind in here". One of the yogurt cartons says back to him "Why not? We're cultured individuals".
-I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
-A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replies "Aww c'mon. I'm a fungi".
-A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03pm. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No I'm sorry" replied the bartender "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc".
-A man walks into a bar, sits down and tells the bartender "Hey give me a free drink". The bartender looks at him and asks "Why should I give you a free drink?" The customer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter. The bartender is amazed and says "Okay that's worth a free drink" and proceeds to pour him one. After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool but was only worth one drink. The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool and the 10-inch man sits down and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender listens and says "That's great, but it's not worth a free drink". "Okay" the customer says and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub this and you can have any wish you want". He does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks". Suddenly a million ducks appear. "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!" "That's okay... I didn't ask for a 10-inch pianist either!"
-A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal what he would like. The seal responds "Anything but Canadian Club on ice!"
-A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
-A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
-Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it.
-A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks "Got any crackers?" Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says "I told you yesterday and the day before that I don't and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks "Got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
-A football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says "You're round!"
-A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some vodka and orange juice. The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says "You know, we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Irving...?"
-Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings. A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse and leaves. The bartender says "You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That's too little, you're a loser!" The man snickered and said "Nahh I'm not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist"
-A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order.
The bartender says" Why don't you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?" "Well" the guy says "When my brothers and I split up we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together". The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn't say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers. Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn't know what to say but then says "My condolences on your loss". "Why do you say that?" "Well" the bartender replies "I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!" The guy laughs and says "My brothers are fine... it's just that my wife made me quit drinking!"
-A group of blondes walk into a bar shouting and cheering "Yeah, 31! Let's hear it for 31!" They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31. After about 15 minutes of this the bartender is starting to get really annoyed. "What's the deal about 31?" he asks the girls. One of them turns to him and says "We bought a puzzle that said 2-4 years and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!"
| I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW CRYSTAL MY BALLS |
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COLLEGE ENTRANCE ESSAY
This is supposedly an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is reportedly now attending NYU.
3A. ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But, I have not yet gone to college.
ORSM
VIDEO
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island" she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank". "Amazing" he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you". "Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But... but... that's impossible" stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh that was no problem" replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware". Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place" she says.
After a few minutes of rowing she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house she says casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he says still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice". "It's not coconut juice" the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom".
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing" he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me" she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know...?"
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing... "You mean..." he swallows excitedly "I can check my email!?"
| WOMEN'S WATER POLO IS AWESOME BECAUSE... |
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Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you".
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest". "Don't worry, Maria" says the mother "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you".
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you".
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta" says the mother. "This is a job for Mama".
| THE DARKER THE MEAT, THE SWEETER THE JUICE |
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ORSM
VIDEO
The first of the hiatus weeks for Reader Mail go go go...
Reader Mail will be back next week. If you'd like to contribute just click here and don't be a dick about it.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked. "Not yet" She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first".
Thirty minutes had passed and I asked "May I see the new baby now?" "No, not yet" She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed. I asked again "May I see the baby now?" "No, not yet" replied my friend.
Growing very impatient I asked "Well, when can I see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me. "WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!"
| LOOK AT THAT ASSSSS... |
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WIFE'S DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say "I love you, too". When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HUSBAND'S DIARY
A five putt... who the fuck five putts!!?
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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative" said the doctor "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10".
The Alabamian said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me!" said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR... FIVE...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
| HOTTIES IN HEELS |
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It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realising the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!
ORSM
VIDEO
Well kids we're done. Be advised that not reading the following information may result in rectal trauma.
-Check out the site archives. Just do what you're told and everything will be okay.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Derp.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will win ALL the medals in ALL the events and be VERY unmagnanimous about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and can you just hold this for a sec? Thanks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.08.02-17.59 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. See you at the party, Richter!
Almost kind of fully, totally, completely and utterly over winter right now. I swear to god this old piece of shit house gets colder by the day. Most of the time its warmer outside than it is in. Honestly the best and worst thing I have done over the last few years is drop some weight but let this be a warning to fatties out there planning the same - disappearing that blubber McDonald's built means you feel it like fucking crazy. Even more than skinny people because they're used to it. Going back a few winters I'd rarely bother with anything other than shorts and a jumper [sweater]. Now its tracky-dacks [tracksuit pants], thermal socks, thermal undershirt, long sleeve t-shirt, t-shirt, jumper, two heaters and a beanie. Admittedly the beanie probably has more to do with the balding head. I'd wear gloves if it was possible to type but sdebntenmces weoulsd prfpobabnlyu klookl moire klile thios.
The flu season is fucking everyone indiscriminately too. Can barely think of a single person I know that hasn't had some sort of cold or flu or chest thing, myself included. When will we wake up and realise the new strains which appear each year are masterminded by pharmaceutical companies and tissue manufacturers?
Alright dudes let us get on to all what else has been happening. Beginning with Fridaaaaay... had to get moving early for a chiro visit. Haven't really had a chance to squeeze one in for over a month and funnily enough my ailments have just about entirely settled so was torn between not messing with a good thing and stopping short the treatment and having to start all over again at some point. Ultimately the only winner is the chiro's bank balance. From there it was freeway south to the city of Mandurah, swap cars, hook up trailer and head even further south to Nevereverland [Bunbury] to collect some furniture the GF had in storage. There isn't too much that's good about Bunno. Sorry that's a lie - there is absolutely nothing good about Bunno. You're forced to drive through it on the way to better places, something that won't be a problem when the bypass is finished.
Was a bit of a mad dash to get home by a reasonable time ahead of a night on the town. Four of us headed into the city for dinner and a few drinks. What followed was champagne, wine wine, tequila, wine, wine, wine, port, beer, beer, alcoholic ginger beer and some scotch. Fucking great night though. Not often you get friends out of the house without their kids these days so the most was made.
Woke up early Saturday without even the faintest sign of a hangover. Who said mixing your drinks was bad? Was supposed to embark on solving some "My computer is broken. The world is ending!" rounds but that fell through leaving me a whole morning of... sorting through papers and working. GAY. The afternoon, some food shopping and one of those amazing evenings whereby the stars aligned leaving me home alone able to watch any gory, violent or sci-fi film I wanted. AWESOME.
I sometimes wonder why I can never seem to get anything done. Sunday was a shining example of this. The day started relatively early considering I had nowhere to be and no plans. Usually the opportunity to crank out some exercise would be seized upon but what I really, really wanted to do that was wash the car. It's been months now, the sun was out and there was no excuse not to. But I couldn't do that until the dog had been walked - she'd annoy the crap out of me otherwise. So that I did. Returning home I realised that the car couldn't be washed until the carport in which she sleeps had been cleared of months' worth of dried leaves - they'd dusty up a clean car in no time. So go to grab a broom, rake and shovel from the shed and then remember the wobbly concrete paver which has been a hazard since last year. May as well fix it while I have the shovel out right? And while I'm at it I'll just collect the fallen palm fronds around the place. Oh and there's a few tree-sized weeds needing removal.
Next came raking the carport but wait... not much point cleaning the carport if the driveway is just as leaf covered so better do that as well. Actually you know what... I've been meaning to sweep the driveway for the last 6 or 7 years. It's old asphalt and crumbling by the day. Every time I drive over it more and more sand and stones are carried into the carport. I'll sweep that too. Once that was done I noticed all the leaves on the adjoining lawn. Better rake those too otherwise they'll messy up the driveway. After that it was finally time to do the carport. Raked it. Swept it. Vacced it. Sweet. Time to wash the car! And there goes the phone. Sister: "can you babysit for an hour or two... please?" Umm sure. So shower, take delivery of niece, feed her, take her for a walk, play with her and... three hours she goes home by which time it's too late to wash the fucking car. I'll probably give it another shot this weekend. Once I get rid of the leaves which have blown in since that is...
Okay that'll do with the babble-thon. This update went together weirdly but came out superbly. Maybe something to do with having to put Reader Mail together for the first time in a while. Which reminds me - my idea to have RM appear less regularly wasn't totally panned by you guys so I'm going to move it to fortnightly and see how that goes. In the meantime however grab some tissues and rubber gloves and prepare yourselves for a killer update. Check it...
Psychout! - Ill-Conceived - Real Or Fake? - Stunning Girl - Dumb Sluzzers - Asian Crazy - Squirter XXL - True Nude
Tear Jerker - Weird Funny - Shop Naked - Retro Boobs - Painal Sex - Bikers Attack - Spasticated - Bonertastic
Nasty Thang - Stoopid Arabs - Sexy Tits - Bizarro - More Please! - Sexy Gifs - Pussy Flasher - Huge Dildo - Fistage
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the Catholic priest masturbating. He said "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating" the priest replied "You'll be doing this soon". "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me!" the priest replied.
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing the lawn. I figured he'll have to mow around me, I'm not moving.
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "OK Simpson," says the investigator "You were near the scene - what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up". "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done". "It was, sir".
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If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
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The wife left a note on the fridge door "It's not working and I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay at my mum's!" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold... fuck knows what she was on about!
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Another great day! Went to the gym, then had a nice shower. I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon. I've got a few joints rolled up for the Xbox tournament with the lads. After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites. Then, to finish off the perfect day, a nice blow job before I go to bed. Fuck, I love prison!
ORSM
VIDEO
THEY WALK AMONG US
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets" said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve" was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right". So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of the divider that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her 'I've changed my mind - I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "Okay" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing she said she was shopping on the internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk..."
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use paper from the photocopier" the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room - the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some cough medicine and he should be fine. The mother says "I just gave him some ant killer...." Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was a University of Southern California graduate and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said "Where?"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked "Does the sun rise in the North...?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for some time, she shook her head and said "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff".
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a Day, 7 days a week". He responded "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly I said "Uh... Pacific".
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now" she asked me "has your plane arrived yet?"
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces".
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it'. For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50'. The next day someone stole it.
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
| ZARA BRINGS OUT THE BIG GUNS |
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A Chinese man decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs' he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom' he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way... pause... and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you".
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs".
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie "Those aren't Australian customs".
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man "He say to become true Australian, I must learn to... chase chicks... get piss drunk, and... listen to bull-shit".
ORSM
VIDEO
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration she answered "Yes... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes or did she say no?? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?" "Why you silly man, I said yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me"...
| STILL THINK GINGERS ARE SOULLESS? |
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A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.
"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked "I don't mind that you're flat and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway".
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked "I don't mind that like a baby below the waist and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway".
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
When she regained consciousness the guy said "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?" "You told me it was just like a baby". The guy replied "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"
| CLEVER VANDALISM |
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READER MAIL
They say absence makes the heart go fonder. Thankfully the cure is a huuuuge RM with some awesome submissions from the last few weeks.
If you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.
joe wrote:
Subject: auctioneer
No the auctioneer is not on drugs, he is most likely an American and over here most of them use that cadence when conducting an Auction. They don't use the stuffy British style of asking for a bid and then waiting until they get it and then thanking the bidder before asking for another bid. They are very fun to watch in action when they have several bidders that want an item being sold. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: aquaria-grande
Howdy..great site bla bla bla. Just regarding the pictures of the balcony pools on the Aquaria-Grande in Borilivi (W) Mumbai they look fantastic but are unfortunately fake. The Aquaria-Grande is in construction and there will be pools there, but they wont be as depicted in the pics. You can find the article here and more renderings and construction pics of the Aquardia-Grande in this forum |
roundman wrote:
Subject: Fireworks Armageddon
As I understand, this was a Fourth Of July fireworks display in a major US city. The only problem was that when the pyro technicians set the electronics program for firing the fireworks, they selected milli-seconds instead of seconds. So a twenty minute firework display happened in the space of fifteen seconds. To their credit, they admitted to their mistake. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dominican Sweet Heart
20 year old Girl I was fucking for three weeks to find out she is married and three months pregnant in this photo Dominican women are fucking wild! Remember to wear protection! Hide my info please.
Pretty good tits. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Square eyes
This is just pissing me off...how many squares do you see? I see 27 total.
I get 33... I think. -Orsm |
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John wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Seriously......
87% of gun purchases are caused by failed exams. -Orsm |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Where oh where do they get these crazy ideas..? |
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Rod wrote:
Subject: Olympic Torch
See attached, what the Olympic torch is meant to be used for. Tx for a great site.
One day someone is going to use one to light a bong. -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: The Flag
This guy was told by his Homeowners Association that he could not fly the American Flag in his yard. This is his response.. |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Eye Test for over 50's
Can you spot the differences between these two photos? No? Me neither.
Sorry - you said something about 2 photos...? -Orsm |
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Richard wrote:
Subject: Only in america
And these guys are the leaders of the free world! |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Emailing
NRMA expanded service
I do like how the boat people aren't even waiting until they're out of view of Indonesia before calling. Cracks me up. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Parking talent
This is so blatently badly parked, you just have to show it to people... Please don't publish my details.
At least he won't have any unthinking cockstains denting his car with their doors. -Orsm |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: my kind of girl
Orsm, Love the site, gotta love NYC Subways
Wow. Her parents have a lot to answer for. I wonder if she still breastfeeds. Bitty! -Orsm |
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-P- wrote:
Subject: dark side
as the text says, welcome to the dark side -a finnish restaurant with a terrace without sunshine |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: turd in toilet
Here is a nice pic, she said she was "the shit". Found this on Skout. Please hide details! Cheers |
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RR147HP wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A Giant Amethyst Purple quarts Penis
Yes but can it give a pearl necklace? -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Cape Town, RSA
Cape Town, the only city in the world where the cattle cross the road using the pedestrian bridge! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
pictures of my ex. Hide my details please |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Bats
Did you know how fortunate we are to have bats at Bairnsdale? The fact sheet from, "Gardening Australia" said: Put up a bat house to encourage the presence of these shy and misunderstood creatures. Bats consume 3,000 or more mosquitoes and other insects nightly, and bats are less likely to be rabid than are dogs. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Sky wonders
NORTHERN LIGHTS, YELLOWKNIFE, CANADA. Fantastic. These are spectacular and the teepees are so pretty in the dark but, check out that thermometer! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Milf
Hey ORSM long time viewers of your fine site. Thought i would share few pics of my wifes pussy.
Cheers Pokey Wolf.
P.S keep real name and email address private please.
Boobs? -Orsm |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: Emailing
New Mercedes Trucks
Are they easier or harder to drive whilst on amphetamines. This will have to be answered before hitting the Australian market. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Perth
this should sum it up for most of us
Got these about 20 times. Won't make much sense to anyone not from around here but trust me they are a ridiculously accurate social commenary. -Orsm |
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David wrote:
Subject: A local band
I'd like to say I don't know these people, but I do. . . . . .
Pooping outside. Definitely something that needed a song. -Orsm |
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Braden wrote:
Subject: Hitting a deer during a Rally Moto race...like a boss
I hit a deer on the final stage of Rally WV 2012 race but finished strong. Press on regardless. Check it out! |
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ORSM
VIDEO
15 STYLES OF DISTORTED THINKING
FILTERING: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation.
POLARISED THINKING: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you're a failure. There is no middle ground.
OVERGENERALISATION: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once you expect it to happen over and over again.
MIND READING: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you.
CASTASTROPHISING: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what if's". What if tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?"
PERSONALISATION: Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.
CONTROL FALLACIES: If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you.
FALLACY OF FAIRNESS: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but other people won't agree with you.
BLAMING: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem or reversal.
SHOULD: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.
EMOTIONAL REASONING: You believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid and boring, then you must be stupid and boring.
FALLACY OF CHANGE: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hope for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
GLOBAL LABELLING: You generalise one or two qualities into a negative global judgment.
BEING RIGHT: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness.
HEAVEN'S REWARD FALLACY: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel better when the reward doesn't come.
| ASHLYN RAE... DON'T MIND IF I DO... |
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A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband "Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes".
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes" the blonde replied "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you" the blonde said "And by the way - it's not a Porch, it's a BMW!"
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success". "Very good" said the teacher.
Little Mary was next "I sold magazines" she said "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events". "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample". They all said the same thing 'Hey, this tastes like dog shit!' then I would say 'It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'".
| LET'S HEAR IT FOR SAL! |
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing!" the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off". "Lady" the attendant said "Indians don't use saddles..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Look I hate to be the one to tell you but I'm afraid the update is over. Okay okay... pull yourself together. You needn't fret. All your questions about when the next update is coming and where the old updates are can be answered by reading on...
-Check out the site archives. Be careful as you will most likely injure your penis and/or vagina and/or bunghole.
-Next update will be next Thursday. ... or as I like to call it - Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will destroy years of hard work by secretly feeding you banned performance enhancing substances thereby destroying your Olympic dreams.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and air-freshener after shitting is the right thing to do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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