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There's that golden rule that states you will always have some sort of incident with your new car. Sometimes you will get away with a light scratch to anything as bad as a major bingle... but always something. I thought mine came back in January not two weeks after I got my new wheels when a friend dropped lipstick all over the back seat [no pun intended]. I took some comfort thinking I had escaped this new car curse somewhat lightly. I was wrong...
I can definitely say I was waiting for something to happen. I'd stopped to think a couple of times over the last few weeks that everything was travelling along just a little bit too smoothly and I was right.
Okay sure, it was just another car accident and sure, I walked away from it but bloody hell my tally is three decent smashes in the last six years or so with NONE of them being my fault. I get the feeling someone is trying to tell me something...
My first smash was on a beautiful Thursday afternoon. I'd torn my shorts at work leaving my tackle exposed and was heading home to change. On my way some retarded P-Plater completely misjudged the the oncoming traffic and turned in front of me. BANG! We were both uninsured and as such I spent the next six weeks rebuilding the car and was left with a $4k repair bill [his fault but no way I was ever going to get a cent out of the prick].
Second bingle was somewhat worse. It took place on a mild Friday nite in April four years ago and once again involved a t-boning although I was on the receiving end. BANG! This one wrote my car off and my stupidity was proven by still not being insured... thankfully the other guy [another P-Plater], who was driving his grandad's new car was, which meant I got a at least a pittance back for mine.
Number three for me was a couple of Saturdays ago. I was summoned, as I am every second week, by my old man to drop him and my brother off to watch the Eagles play at Subiaco Oval. There I was happily cruising home when all of a sudden BANG! Next thing I know I'm sitting in a garden after ANOTHER fucking P-Plater didn't see me and took me out.
After managing to escape from the car I reacted the same way I always do to these things - by yelling abuse: "YOU BETTER FUCKING BE INSURED, BITCH!" which admitedly was quite cruel but made me feel a whole lot better!
She wasn't. Thankfully this time I was. There was no fucking way I was going to make that mistake again and it's a good thing especially with the size of the repair bill. Even worse for her, her car was borderline write-off plus she'll have to pay for the damage to my car. All up it was a pretty expensive day at the footy for the poor chick. Let this be a lesson to those of you without insurance!
Annoyingly it's going to be atleast 3 more weeks until I get my baby back but I can't complain too much because I'm back driving the 4WD I had previously so the elevated ride height will allow superior perv positions once again.
They say things happen in three's... so that's three car accidents, three P-Plater's, three t-bones, three times not my fault and on three consecutive days [albeit years apart]. Playing the percentages I think it's relatively easy to predict how and when I am going to die... I mean they've missed THREE times now and I've lived to tell the tale but if I was a betting man I'd say sometime in the next two years, on a Sunday, t-bone caused by a bloody P-Plater who didn't see me!
How much would it cost to get an average babe off the street to gangbang four dudes? Every week the Mikes Apartment boys answer that burning question and bring you the hardcore video action!! More sexual mayhem and running amok @ Mikes Apartment.
If you live in Australia you may recall the goverment ran that stupid terrorism awareness campaign which was backed up with some TV ads from the ever-boring Steve Liebmann from Channel 9. Never has there been a guy who loves the sound of his voice more than Steve. Anyways here's a couple of parodies of those ad's. Terrorism 1 - Terrorism 2
** YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW FAR WILL THESE GIRLS WILL GO TO PAY THEIR WAY THROUGH COLLEGE!! **
Stars Without Makeup - Posture - Gray Davis Economics - Goulash Dick - Earth Quake - Stay Off The Chems!
It CANT Be True! - Hollywood Is Calling - Hard One - Cool Flash Game - Tasty Tenders - Size Hime Up
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!", says the mum.
A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
HOLLY SHOOT
This is the final set of pics with superchick Holly. Looking back through all the pictures we shot I think the Harley series may very well be my favourite... I'm sure you guy's will agree too...
On a tour of Australia the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the West coast. His 4 x 4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an Eagles football jersey, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Freo Dockers tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into it's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Eagles fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi - conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore. It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.
Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of West Australia but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true".
"I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one???"
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweet- heart, it's back to the village for you."
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
A young man signs on to work at an offshore oil rig, and as he's getting his orientation to the place, one thing keeps coming to mind. After seeing every part of the platform, he finally gets up the courage to ask the manager. "Um, what do you do if you start to get, well... you know, lonely? You know, for a woman?"
"Oh, we've got that one taken care of for you. You see that barrel over by that wall with the hole in it? Any time you get the urge, just go over there and stick your penis in the hole in the side of it."
The new guy leaves it at that, and starts his first day. About half way through the day, he starts really thinking about the barrel. Giving in to temptation, he tries it and gets the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. That evening, the manager calls him back into the office to see how his first day went. The young man replies "It was great! I'm going to use that barrel every day I'm here!"
The manager grinned and said "Well, every day but Thurs- days." "Why not Thursdays?" "Because that's YOUR day in the barrel."
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life.
Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?" The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars. The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?" The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
** GET READY TO SEE SOME SERIOUSLY GOOEY, JIZZ-O-RIFIC, GOO-A-FIED, COCK SQUIRTING MOVIES! **
** CUMFIESTA.COM - WHERE AMATEURS GET CREAMED! **
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Two elderly gentleman from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a new-born baby!" "Really?! Like a baby??" "Yup. No hair, no teeth and I think I just crapped my pants!"
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550.
One of the most expensive production cars in the world, and it costs him $300,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It's very expensive!" "Why does it cost so much, asks the old man?" Because this car can go up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" No problem, "replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty fancy car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 140mph. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... w-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-h-h-h! Something whips by him, going much faster!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the Moped at 200mph... W-h-o-o-o-o-o-o-s-h!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.
A few seconds later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, denting the rear. The young man carefully brakes the Ferrari to a stop, jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you? The old man whispers with halting breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror you son of a bitch."
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Jane, that the doctor said that he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, Jane asked Paul to have sex with her. Of course, Paul agreed and they had passionate sex.
Six hours later, Paul went to Jane again and said, "Honey, now I only Have 18 hours to live, maybe we could have sex again?" Jane agreed and AGAIN they had sex. Later Paul is getting into bed when he realised he only had 8 hours of
Life left. He touched Jane's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more
Time before I die?"
Jane agreed, and afterwards, rolled over and slept. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head. He tossed and turned until he was down to just 4 more hours. Paul tapped Jane on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have 4
hours left! Could we....? Jane sat up, turned to Paul and said, "Listen Paul! I have to get up in the morning and YOU don't!"
ORSM VIDEO
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realised he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need, a new suit.
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said "Let's see, you're a size 44 long". Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure". "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll he said "Sure". The man eyed Joe's feet and said "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old. The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What's going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline... and I gave him Super Glue."
The funeral parlour called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.
Well she said "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass". The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I told you it hurt you old fucker!"
READER MAIL
Absolutely tonnes of email pouring in lately. I can't reply to all of it and if it's decent it will usually end up on this page... at some point atleast. Very much appreciated anyways so keep it up!
Cameron Forbes wrote:
Subject: no subject
Is that Bob-O ("more pics for the ladies") for real or what. I can't understand how you let a tosser like him get on your site. Any guy who puts the lid of a can on his cock is a loser. No wonder he is advertising for women. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: BUGGER !! Toyota Hilux - no longer unbreakable
Thought you might be able to use these orsm pics of what happens when you park a car in front of a dozer.If you do please keep my name out of it as I got them from work and even though they are doing the rounds I don't know if they are general public yet Cheers
Thursday 24th April 2003 a dozer driver at a coal yard accidentally ran over a Toyota Hilux dual cab 4wd with a Caterpillar D10 dozer. As the dozer driver was working alone he had driven the ute to the stockpile area where he was to be working and parked it there just off the road. He then walked approximately 400m back to the dozer shed to pick up the dozer and drive it back to the same stockpile area, He did this so he would have a vehicle to use to return to the lunch room for smoko's, lunch, etc.
While driving the dozer to the stockpile area a combination of coal dust stirred up by the dozer tracks, having the dozer blade high off the ground and a bit of memory lapse caused him to hit the ute with the dozer blade, the ute was overturned, squashed to a level where it fitted under the blade then went underneath the dozer, it wasn't until the dozer driver saw shrapnel flying out from beneath the dozer that he stopped, reversed back and found the ute as it is in these pictures. |
Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Cool Car
Being a car guy, thought I'd share this cool car with you. Saw this on E-Bay... a 1960 Mercedes-Benz 220SE Cabriolet 4 seat convertible. I don't recall ever seeing a solid wood dash board like this has. PS.... ended at $ 44,000, reserve not met....so it's not too late, you can still get it!
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badger wrote:
Subject: ORSM CREATES FAXspam
Hey Mr Orsm, Just thought I'd let you know, you and your site are imbedding themselves in the Australian business community. I know an update has been posted from your site each week/fortnight as the fax starts going mad with a selection of jokes copy 'n' pasted direct from your site. I don't know which may be more annoying, having an email inbox full of spam, or waiting the twenty minutes for 15 pages of jokes to come thru with an order attached to the end.
Something different you might like to put on your site, attached is a photo of a test we did to a ladder -- that is 190kg hanging from the middle of a 4.2m span of a ladder -- didnt break either!
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Cathy & Ian wrote:
Subject: You think you have snow
The following photos are from St. Anthony / Newfoundland following the latest snowstorm. Check the last one carefully - snow is being shovelled off the roof of the house and you can just see the ridge cap in the snow.
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afiq mohd wrote:
Subject: american soldier raping iraqi woman
i dont think iraqi welcome situation like this.. f**k bush b*st**d..because of him the americans soldier are like this.. let the world knows what were americans soldier doing at iraq. no wonder why some of them have been shot by iraqi men. is this that bush called bringing a peace.????
Firstly, it looks staged. Secondly, the soldiers don't even look American. -Orsm
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Adrian Jarvis wrote:
Subject: New Stealth Fighter.
I thought you might be interested in this photograph of one of the US Air Force's latest high technology stealth fighter bomber aircraft. It's being prepared to depart for an "unnamed" air base in the Middle East. Of course it goes without saying that you should treat this picture as very confidential, and control any further un-secure distribution of it.
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Virginia G wrote:
Subject: a stormy nght
A stormy night. They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance... and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that...more than anything.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out.... She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed, were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors... Just the faint click of a camera......
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A mother is having is having sex with her lover. Her son comes in, so she locks him in the closet. Shortly thereafter she hears her husband come home. She immediately locks her lover also in the closet.
"Dark in here," the boy says to his mother's love. "Yeah," the man replies. "I have a baseball here. Do you want it? It costs only 250 bucks," says the boy. The man thought what the hell and paid up.
Next night the same thing happens and the boy is again locked in the closet with the lover. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yeah," the man replies. "Do you want a baseball glove?" the boy asks. The man bought it for 750 bucks.
The next day the father says, "Son, lets go to play baseball!" The boy replies, "I sold my baseball and glove for 1000 bucks!" The father becomes upset and says, "You should not overcharge your friends like that. I'm going to take you to the Confessional." His father drops him off and he goes into the Confessional. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Oh, for heavens sake, don't start that again," says the priest!
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate", "but..." stammers the driver, "Now... or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but..." says the driver. "Now...!!" So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."
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Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
A hillbilly was driving down the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The hillbilly stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."
The other studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this ain't your lucky day, pal!"
WORTH-A-SURF
zFilter - Another Site - Humor Bomb - Jarkey - Babes & Stuff - EBJ Dot Com - Drunk & Disorderly
Delta Of Venus - Exbyte - The Meaning Of - The Digital Underground - Beer & Shots - Dinbror
Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he "watched the rugby on Saturday and the Wallabies were shit."
UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 12 months.
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?""No," retorts the policeman as he unzips his pants and begins to take a piss too, "It's the French Embassy."
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny looked worried... "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away." "Why?" said his father. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mum."
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up.
So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.
Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response. "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
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SHIELA
Imagine it... one Friday nite out with your mates... you spot a half decent chick... one thing leads to another and you end up back at her place... next thing you know it's BANG: "Honey, would you suck my cock" Crying Game style.
Shiela
- Shiela
- Shiela
- Shiela
- Shiela
- Shiela - Shiela
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There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and, as they are - THE - seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting... "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
One day, while fishing under the Narrows Bridge on the Swan River, Chris made a confession. "We've been friends for thirty years and been through a lot. I never told you guys this before because I didn't wanna ruin our friendship, but... I'm gay." Justin looked over at Sean and said, "We figured that out when we first met you but decided not to say anything because we didn't want to embarrass you".
Chris thanked them for their understanding and continued, "The reason I'm telling you guy's this is because I've got AIDS and have only got six months to live. You're the only family I've got left and I want you to promise me that you won't let them bury me. I'm scared of them caskets and I want to be cremated instead. Then, I want my ashes thrown from that bridge up there into the river where we've spent so much time together." Justin and Sean wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend had asked.
Six months later Chris died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Justin was about to throw them out when Sean stopped him: "Wait, you've got to say something".
"I don't know what to say. I've never gone to church much" Justin admitted. Sean scratched his head, "Just say something... anything... and make it rhyme." Justin thought about it a while and started slowly started throwing the ashes into the river and said, "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, if you liked women, you'd still be with us."
After reading through all that I realised that this was one huge-ass update. So hopefully I managed to drag you away from something more important! Definitely the case for me - I locked myself in a small dark room for 9 days straight working tirelessly to bring it all together.
Homework for everyone this week is to install a fucking virus scanner. I've received around 500 infected fucking emails from 500 fucking random retards in the last 24 hours and its fucking me off would you believe...!?
Anyways until next time, be good, stay off the chems and if you wanna know where I'll be hanging out this weekend you can see by clicking here! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
