Welcome to Orsm.net. A veritable hallelujah moment.

Ah Thursday... you come around so quickly. So has May for that matter. Where April and this year has gone I have no idea. Shit better start slowing down soon because I don't have it in me to start thinking about what I'm doing for New Years just yet...

Okay so hate to admit it but the much babbled on about quit smoking thing I embarked on last year fell by the wayside a few months back. In my defense there are perfectly valid reasons for the failure which I won't announce publically, suffice to say it's currently a necessary evil... which is a shame considering that as of tonight the government will increase tax by 25%. Basically the average pack goes up by about $2 and all I can say is what a fucking rort. Of course it's for the betterment of smokers right? To help people quit? Riiiight. Wankers. What it actually means is an extra $5 billion in revenue so the [worst] government [ever] can pay for their countless failed initiatives whilst deflecting attention from countless failed election promises. I'll say it now while I have the floor - anyone who votes these retards back in is a retard.

Moving on... it's been yet another busy week around here trying to compensate for some badly timed interruptions. Two more airport runs managed to sap four or five hours out of Tuesday and Wednesday and Monday was the Anzac Day public holiday. Wish I could say I got up at 4am to make the Sunday dawn service but early mornings and me, we don't get on.

Saturday presented countless options. Much to do, much to see however I went with doing my books - paying bills, tax and all that shit which ruins your day. That took me through until the afternoon at which point it was time to head off to the last wedding for the season. Ceremony was smack bang in the CBD in a park I've driven past literally thousands of times but never knew was there. Nice park too I should add. Same deal with the reception - at a place I'd never heard of but again right on the river near a pub we used to frequent years ago [Steve's Hotel anyone?] so no idea how it's managed to elude me. Good event anyway and good note to finish the insanity on.

Someone asked whose wedding out of the eight I've been to this year was the best/worst/whatever. It's just about impossible to answer. And no not because I don't want to offend anyone but how for instance do you compare a very quiet, very personal fifteen person lunch to a behemoth two hundred and fifty person epic? Food was better at some, ceremonies too long at others and so on. So I guess the answer is - the best weddings are the ones everyone has the most fun at. As to what I've learnt... 1. It's all about the bride - everyone else just has to show up. 2. Family BS comes into play no matter what. 3. Brides who choose impractical footwear pay the price. 4. It all works out well in the end. 5. Minimum present spend is $100.

Was supposed to do a birthday breakfast thing Sunday but for reasons not specified it was shit canned. Instead I descended upon the car, washing and rubbing the dust away, shinying tyres and making the windows streakless. High on the agenda following was the first cruise in far too long and that was all go until I stepped into my bedroom. My ugly Ikea wardrobe a total mess - clothes thrown in every which way and piled two feet high. The problem with that is all the completely wearable stuff is trapped underneath and forgotten about so I pulled the lot out and reorganised.

That led to a room to room cleanup spanning the rest of the day. Why? Because there comes a point where a thing which has just been dropped somewhere eventually makes that place it's new home. You learn to ignore it. A DVD cover for example... season two of Strangers With Candy sitting on a speaker since at least late 2008. Cannot remember the last time a mini spring clean happened but holy crap that shit feels good.

Alright that'll do for the moment. Prepare yourselves now for an update I'm particularly proud of because not only is it fucking awesome, it's also the best one I've done this week. Check it...

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Now We Play - Sexy Butts - Ostrich Attack - All About Tits - Holly Valance - Greatest Song Ever - Epic Footjob

That's Gotta Hurt! - Just Babes - T-Bowling - Strip Down - Killer Legs - Stage Stack - Eat Better! - Number Problem

SO Mesmerising - Sexy Shelves - Katy Perry - Beautiful Bod - Hottest Cougars - Burn - New A-Team - Teabagger

Roberta Williams was visiting her husband Carl, in prison recently. She noticed he had gained a lot of weight. "Jeez Carl, you've packed on the kilos, since you were sent to jail" she observed. "Yeah, I know, it's all bread they feed us", came the reply. She then pipes up - "I suppose an exercise bike wouldn't kill ya'!"
--
99% of teens would cry if they saw Justin Beiber standing on top of a sky scraper about to jump. If you're one of the 1% who would sit there eating pop corn screaming "DO A BACKFLIP YOU 12 YEAR OLD FAGGOT!" then copy and paste this as your status.
--
I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcanic Party at the election. It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than the government has ever done.
--
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone could show him a trick he's never seen before. "I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets up on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her panties and starts doing her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!" The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic."
--
Treat woman like vacuum cleaner. When she stops sucking, replace the bag.

ORSM VIDEO

Absolutely Perfect

Black Sabbath Fans Go Nuts

Autotune Cry

Pottery Pornography

Fucking Amazing Tits

Tough Bitch Folds Frying Pan

Tow Truck Cry Baby

70's Singalong

ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MACCAS
 
McDonald's sell more than 1/3 of all the French fries sold in restaurants in the U.S. each year.
McDonald's restaurants will buy 54,000,000 pounds of fresh apples this year. Two years ago, McDonald's purchased 0 pounds of apples. This is attributed to the shift to more healthy menu options.
Nearly one in eight workers in the US has at some time been employed by McDonald's.
In India the "Big Mac" is changed into the "Maharaja Mac", a mutton burger in deference to religious injunctions against the consumption of beef and pork.
Sälen in Sweden opened the first ski-through McDonald's in the world.
More than 50,000 students from all over the world have graduated with "Bachelor of Hamburgerology" degrees from McDonald's "Hamburger University.
McDonald's three kosher restaurants in Israel are the only McDonald's in the world where you cannot buy a cheeseburger.
Sarah Michelle Gellar was sued by McDonalds at the age of four. She appeared in a Burger King advert where she said, "Do I look 20 per cent smaller to you? I must have at McDonalds because their hamburgers are 20 per cent smaller than Burger King's." It was the first time a company used another company's name in an advert so McDonald's sued Burger King, the advertising agency, and Sarah herself.
Since its founding in 1955, McDonald's has sold well over 100 billion hamburgers.
The northernmost McDonald's restaurant is located on the Arctic Circle in Rovaniemi, Finland, while the southernmost franchise is located in Invercargill, New Zealand. Also, the world's easternmost McDonald's is located in New Zealand, in the city of Gisborne; the westernmost restaurant is in Western Samoa, as they are the closest to either side of the International date line.
The smallest McDonald's restaurant measures only 492 square feet and is on the Ginza in Tokyo, Japan.
Ronald McDonald speaks more than 25 different languages.
McDonald's opens a new restaurant every four hours.
The oldest structure to house a McDonald's restaurant is located in Shrewsbury, England. One of the restaurant's exterior walls dates back to the thirteenth century.
McDonald's first restaurant in China opened in 1990.
Every day, McDonald's serves more than 46 million people.
Ronald McDonald speaks more than 25 languages, including Cantonese, Portuguese, Hindi, Tagalog and Russian.
McDonald's largest market outside the U.S. is Japan, with more than 3,000 McDonald's restaurants.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only US state capitol without a McDonalds restaurant.
Ronald McDonald is "Donald McDonald" in Japan because it makes pronunciation easier for the Japanese. In Singapore he's known as "Uncle McDonald."
Antarctica is the only continent that does not have a McDonald's restaurant - yet.
The busiest international McDonald's restaurant is located on Pushkin Square in Moscow, which serves 40,000 people every day.
The largest McDonald's restaurant internationally measures more than 28,000 square feet and is located in Beijing, in the People's Republic of China.
A McDonald's straw will hold 7.7 ml, or just over one-and-a-half teaspoons of whatever you are drinking. This means that it would take 17,000 strawfuls of water to fill up a 34 gallon bathtub.
Ten of the busiest McDonald's in the world are located in Hong Kong.
McDonald's is located in the world's tallest building, in the Kuala Lumpur Tower in Malaysia.
The shoe size of Ronald McDonald is 14 1/2 - or, as Ronald likes to say, "Extra long, by extra wide, by extra red."
McDonald's international restaurants occasionally develop other items which appeal to local tastes, such as a grilled salmon sandwich with dill sauce in Norway, rice dishes in Japan, a Samurai pork burger in Thailand, frankfurters and beer in Germany, a McHuevo (a hamburger with a poached egg on top) in Uruguay, and McSpaghetti in the Philippines.
McDonalds is the world's largest toy distributer.

LITTLE MISS PERFECTION: SHAY LAREN

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A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, you're a duck!" "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck. "Yeah, but I mean... I've never seen a talking duck," says the barman. "Have you ever seen a duck drinking beer?" "No." "Well you will as soon as you pour me one." answers the duck.

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?" "Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour."

The duck drinks his beer, wiggling his tail happily. And just like he said, every day he waddles over from his job and has his lunch time lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town. The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get this duck to join your circus," he says. "Everyone would love to see a talking duck." The circus man nods his agreement and the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.

The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as usual. The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you." "Really?" says the duck. "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right." "That's the one with those big canvas tents, isn't it?" "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's crazy about the idea." The duck looked very puzzled. "But why the hell would he want to hire a plasterer?"

ORSM VIDEO

Awesome Butt Play

Surgeons Remove Sex Toy

Superbike Pit Fire

The Oozinator

Fucked From Behind

That's Why I Got Horns

Guam Will Tip Over

Testicles Are Over Rated Anyway

CHAT TO REAL GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said.

Mum brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him. "Really?" Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

"Oh yes," the mother continued, "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "THE TWIST, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The fucking dance is called THE TWIST!!"

BIG BOOBS

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

FERRARI FACTORY AWESOMENESS

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READER MAIL
If you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.

Ross wrote: Subject: Heathrow Heathrow airport about an hour ago

Heath wrote: Subject: This mornings front page of AdelaideNOW Baaa ha ha, I laughed so hard.... Adelaide News Layout Designer....... must be a fuckin genius. Seriously, where is Dr Watson and his side kick when you need them?

sean wrote: Subject: THIS A GREAT EXAMPLE A Picture Of Just How Big Australia Is (crocodile's heads are not really bigger than Ireland all that often)... Let's see a population denisty comparison. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Wedding Cake Topper A Realtor friend in Texas sent this to me, he saw this on the Kitchen Counter in a Foreclosed House, I guess the Marriage was over.

ricky wrote: Subject: random shite Thought this was a funny headline from here in New Orleans... Truly incredible. -Orsm

Gordon wrote: Subject: Best Sign Yet Best "Tea Party" Sign Yet... Obama and the Seven Dorks

Paul wrote: Subject: Rescue Rooter Me and the missus spotted this at Manhattan beach LA. I wonder if i can start a franchise here in Australia. Those crazy yanks they think of everything. In case this makes sense see here. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Tassie Tasmania to join the AFL Hah. -Orsm

Robert wrote: Subject: Billboard Dear Orsm, A friend sent me this so I thought you might like it, great web site. Billboard on cnr Beaudesert and Granard Rds Rocklea...Brisbane.

Tomas wrote: Subject: Engines in Miniature - Amazing.... Maybe suitable for the site. I know I like this sort of crap. For all you out there who like big, honking V-8's and screamin' V-12 engines, check out these tiny versions that you could run on your workbench or kitchen table. These models were built by craftsmen the same way the big ones are made­ by machining billet stock and castings, but in miniature. These are not just models that look like engines, they are real running engines.

Jason wrote: Subject: This is all kinds of awesome! Some pretty amazing images from Iceland of the volcano and the lightning storm that proceeded the eruption.

<with held> wrote: Subjects: pics i have been a long time follower.. and i think its about time a female dishes about stupid bitches.. this girls name is jessica h. she found my girlfriend on tagged and started messaging my girlfriend like crazy, she is psyco and obbsessive, my girlfriend is not the first perosn she has sent these pics to.. put this girl up for all too see..these are pics i found that she kept sending to my girlfriend even after she said to stop, this girl is nasty and needs to be put up for all to see.. please hide my details

steven wrote: Subject: Cop Lambo Try explaining this one to the police commissioner!! Bit of polish that'll buff right out... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: rig Pics from the Deepwater Horizon Drilling Rig (A tragic Incident for BP)

xitz wrote: Subject: Jet In A Cornfield 1970, while assigned to the 71st FIS at Malmstrom AFB , Montana , its pilot ejected during an in-flight emergency. The pilot somehow got himself into a flat spin -- considered generally unrecoverable in an F-106 and he did what the flight handbook said to do -- get out of it, i.e., eject. After the pilot did just that, 58-0787 recovered itself from this "unrecoverable" situation. [continues]

<with held> wrote: Subject: Yet another special animated gif. Takes all kinds to make the world go round, this one reminded me of a peacock.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Takes all kinds Believe it or not, they just keep coming in.

bill wrote: Subject: What A Collection Hard to top this one - every Chevrolet convertible since 1912. The personal and private collection consists of 110 + Chevrolet convertibles... All years from 1912 to 1975 and Corvette convertibles from 1953 to 1975. That is a Chevy convertible from every year of manufacture EXCEPT 1939... The reason? - Chevy didn't make a convertible in '39 -- and ended its convertible line in '75! His 'boy toys' include his own 18 hole golf course, copied somewhat after Augusta National. He is what you call a REAL Chevy guy, but his passion seems to be convertibles! This billionaire made his fortune selling farm chemicals!

<with held> wrote: Subject: Amber Been a fan of yous site for many years man... this is my Ex. after 6 years i said we should go seperate ways and b4 i could pack my shit and get out i cought her haveing phone sex with an old friend plus many 1 night stands with random people from pubs.... thought if she could share this with my old friends i could share it with the world :-D please don't show my E-Mail address

Ed wrote: Subject: The (Shit) Storm Bwana Orsm, I was thinking of some new plates for the car. Whaddya reckon?

Archie wrote: Subject: I guarantee this is a video you have never seen before I've attached a video I GUARANTEE you have never seen before. There is also a couple more videos on youtube to check out if you like this. I've been a follower of your site for years. Keep up the great work.

Tom, who was in the Air Force, had just spent a year tour unaccompanied on an outpost in Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife," Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!'

And with that he dropped his pants and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch this," he said. Next he said," Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said," Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. "

Wow, that was amazing, "said his wife." Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbour over to see this? It's really something else!" Tom responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking blond with big tits and tight jeans, who got the guys full attention!

"Joanie, this is my husband Tom, he has something to demonstrate." After a brief pause to take her in, he drops his pants and said," Now watch this." Then he said" Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. Then it was" Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened.

So the guy again said," Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says," For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom.

His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. "What in the world are you doing?" She asked. The guy says," I'm giving' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonourable discharge!"

ORSM VIDEO

Lazy Day In Bed

Losing A Tooth Is Exciting

Hey Guys

High Jumper Eats It

Exposed And Felt Up

Lesbian Cowboy

Dog Leads Police To Fire

Curry Cat

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, the man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

JESSICA LYNN... LOOKS LIKE LADY GAGA...?

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RANDOM SHITE
Just click and try to enjoy. Check it...

Click to View >>

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is...?"

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

RECORD PERSPECTIVE

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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agents office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke.

JESSICA JAMES

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Roy, an undertaker, came Home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" Asked his wife." "I had a terrible day," replies Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find the room and, Sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in Half."

"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?" Roy: "Wrong fucking room."

ORSM VIDEO

Stunning Brunette Fucked

Playback

Tree Lopping Accident

This Is How He Rolls

Don't Like The Taste

Completely Useless Talent

Goal Celebration Fail

Little Bit Of Flex

Well...

- Check out the site archives you will.
- Next update will be next Donderdag.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will eat your brain to cure his epilepsy.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and watch out for bigotted women. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. I had a nightmare that I killed you and felt bad about it.

Must admit it's a good feeling having life and in particular my routine return to normal. The entirety of this week has been spent clocking up more hours than I care to remember staring into the monitor wondering if I'll everything sorted in time for the update. The preceding month of mayhem created a mountainous backlog of Orsm related tasks that would keep any normal person busy for months. Luckily for you guys I'm not normal...

I'm starting to think about planning my annual road trip although it's nowhere near cold or wet enough yet. In reality it's probably a good three or four months away and at the moment that's fine... I'm not all over-stressed and desperate yet and considering one of my proposed destinations was nailed by an earthquake a few days back it's probably safer hanging back.

Okay probably going to keep on with the me-me-me stuff and crap on for a few paragraphs about the activities of my-my-my weekend. That as opposed to a well thought out, challenging social commentary. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're looking for inspiration then you're better off just scrolling past the seemingly unending, conceited, egotistic blog babble to get to the good stuff...

Friday and for that matter Saturday were both completely unique in that I didn't have sixty-seven thousand things which urgently needed doing. The last however many consecutive Fridays have been all about suit fittings or present shopping or BBQ's or driving down south and various other annoyances.

Waking up Saturday to the revelation the day was my own halted abruptly when 'The List' came out. 'The List' is much as it sounds a long list of stupid jobs which need doing around the homestead, none of which are quick and easy. Currently it looks something like this: replace patio roof destroyed in storm; remove and replace kitchen wall [thus finishing kitchen renovation started in September]; remove old air-conditioners and re-brick the external and internal holes; cover/laminate computer desk; paint three rooms; fix busted door handles; renovate bathroom; attack the garden. Basically all of the above are somewhere between important and urgent but with the financial burden of so many weddings over the last few months I went with the cheapest - gardening.

This required a trip to the hardware store to get a couple of things... as well as the car parts place for some soap... and DVD store to spend a birthday voucher I'd forgotten about. By the time I got home it was midday-ish and that's when the phone rang. My now brother in-laws own brother and his brood were stranded at the airport. Why? Because all flights to Europe have been cancelled, something to do with a volcano apparently...? Oh and for the record that was my third airport run in as many days thus proving owning a vehicle with a large boot and a willingness to help is generally detrimental.

So off I went to rescue them from the airport and sort a place to stay etc. Took most of my precious afternoon although doing the whole 'getting to know you' thing was actually pretty cool. As soon as I got home it was time to wantonly hack into anything green. Only wish I'd of tackled it weeks ago before the council rubbish collection thing because there's far more shit which needs removal than I have bin space for. Fuck you plants.

Kicked off Sunday with a long overdue car washing extravaganza. My poor baby was dusty and dirty from the trip away so I was eager to lavish some quality time on her beautiful body and gently sponger her every curve. Three hours later she was returned to eye-catching glory and it was off to the parentals place for a BBQ lunch thing with the aforementioned stranded relations. Somehow that managed to swallow the rest of the day and I only bailed in time to catch up with a mate for dinner. All up around eight hours of eating, drinking and talking. Good weekend was good.

And with that let's get on with the update. You dudes will be happy to know that this little puppy is jam-packed with as much awesome content as could possibly be fit. I wouldn't be surprised if some of you have a stroke... check it...

CHAT TO REAL GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

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Just Because - Cheeky Girls - Heather Graham - Crazed Wife - Beyonce Hotness - Drunk In The Tub - Nasty Whore

Rocktoberfest - I Hate Iceland! - So Mesmerising - Spicy Girls - Thong Fiasco - Adrianne - Subtitle Hell - How Not To -

Sexy Sexretaries - Classical Striptease - Show Me Tits - Heather Graham - Jenna Haze - Tea Baggers - Sophie Monk

A woman is in her doctor's office when she suddenly shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor says it would be against his code of ethics. Ten minutes later, the woman again shouts out: "Doctor, kiss me, just once!" The doctor refuses apologetically, saying as a doctor he can't kiss her. Another five minutes later, she asks again" Doctor, Doctor, kiss me just once!" "Look", says the doctor, "I am sorry, I just can't kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
--
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear-ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy standing there with his hands on his hips says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, buddy!" The truck driver laughs and says, "Blow me!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this! He wants to settle out of court!"
--
Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says. "Well, before you jump how bout giving me a blowjob?" So, she does. After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"."My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

ORSM VIDEO

Stunning Brunette

Creepy As FUCK

Truck Slams Into Arrester Bed

Musical F1

Amazing Cam Babe

This Is Rock N Roll

Anti Obama Propaganda

Errr What Did He Say?

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all its nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referral business, and word of mouth advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm.

The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work. Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.

At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in an extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem. That will be another $20.00".

She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem. That will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to ply his trade. After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and screamed "JESUS CHRIST LADY! WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY... MAKE ME SICK?!?"

PUMA SWEDE... FUCK YEAH!

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APHORISMS A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 am - it could be the right number.
No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realise that in about 40years, we'll have thousands of old men and old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Golf.
After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind, don't matter.

ORSM VIDEO

Anal And Vaginal

Sea Lion Steals Fish

Fat Upper Pussy Area

Too Fast For The Cops

Fun With Toys

Insane Camber

Fat Dad Falls Off Skateboard

Robotic Trololo

CHAT TO REAL GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers!"

WHO LIKES A SWEET ASS?

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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!" Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

'CUSTOM' CARS

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READER MAIL
Ridiculous how much mail there was to sort through for this week's bag but that's what I get for omitting this much loved section for a couple. The good part of that though is with so many more submissions to choose from the quality is higher than my friend Ray on a meth binge.

If you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.

David wrote: Subject: Huge sign, poor spelling. Hey ORSM, great site, This is a giant sign visible to anyone who is traveling up or down the bruce highway passing through Rockhampton, Somewhat embarrassing since I live there... we sure do have stlye! Amusing that good speeling isnt a pre-requisite for printing jobs. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Present for Orsm readers :Best tits ever! Hey Orsm and its fans. Old pic i digged up of my X. Size 8, 155cm tall and E size tits! Enjoy. Hide details. Where do I meet a girl like this... rather, where do I meet a girl with such amazing cans? -Orsm

V wrote: Subject: THAT'S a Blackboard!! I wonder what would happen if someone said: "Could you repeat that please?" That is the formula for why I didn't go on to a tertiary education. -Orsm

Alex wrote: Subject: Full of it Saw this driving along in South Florida today!!!!!

Mark wrote: Subject: Really? She does? Well that's good to know. Got to get your message out there somehow. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Friend's girl He left for a deployment and when he came back found out she was cheating on him. Time to make her "famous" Please hide my details. The lesson is you don't leave hot girls to their own devices. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Santa lays to rest My friend works in a funeral home, sent me this pic and thought you would like to partake in the bad the news distribution. Hold my info, por favor.

Aladdin wrote: Subject: strange cross promotion Why sell just bait and tackle when you can utilise the internet to it's full potential and serve animal porn

V wrote: Subject: Tickets for Sale Hi all, Primo's been able to secure some season tickets to the footy, unfortunately, friends of ours have opted out because of another couple that have seats next to us. I've attached a picture of the view from our sets, so if you're interested, let me know ASAP. I've got 2 tickets and they're $3,500 each.

<with held> wrote: Subject: pics please keep my details hidden....

<with held> wrote: Subject: i got worms Living on the central QLD coast bin finding some crawlies outside the house lately. A whitchetty grub orgy and a worm big enough to fuck chooks. hide details.

Chuckles wrote: Subject: Careful Be careful where you park your car Fuck. -Orsm

Chuckles wrote: Subject: 11kV Cable Theft This happened in South Africa, a very big reminder about what we work with. The cable was being stolen see the earth bar. That'll teach him... -Orsm

xitz wrote: Subject: Don't underestimate a mother Never Underestimate a Mother. Look at the expression on the dog's face... This has to be what he is thinking: "What the fuck just happened? Did I just get my ass kicked by a squirrel!?!!"

Terry wrote: Subject: Stockholm Subway The Stockholm subway is considered the longest art gallery in the world. It has 3 main lines (the blue, red and green) a tour of nearly 110 km long and 100 stations of which 47 are underground and 53 surface. All stations have a unique decor and ambiance. The natural bedrock has been used at several stations, as the raw material and is used as part of the decoration of various shapes and creative expressions of art.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Some Waitress!!! I really don't know who she is, but a friend send them to me and I share them with the rest of the world. So keep it up. Anonimous please. Whoever she is she's perfect. It's a pleasure helping you share her. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Emailing Short but sweet. withhold details.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Wife swallowing my cum Hi Mr.Orsm, great site, long time reader and contributor blah blah blah... Here's another video of some early morning fucking and sucking ending with my wife enjoying a mouthful of the hot sticky stuff. Withhold my details please...keep up the great work.

Alaric wrote: Subject: A former worker's luv confession to one of my staff I've made a little movie for ya... :) I actually felt uncomfortable listening to that. NEVER drunk dial. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: "Dookie Dropper" This customer "dropped dookies" one you could see and several around the corner on his way out the door. Expected to find an animal on the video, not a person. We are thinking of running an advertising campaign: "Our prices are so low you will shit your pants". Mr ORSM if you post this, please no details...... You might set it to music, "Shock the Monkey" comes to mind......as you did with our 4 pigs video from a few years ago......

Troy wrote: Subject: Parking Ticket very humerous Seriously, they really are that bad in the Melbourne CBD.

<with held> wrote: Subject: video for orsm hey J, new video for you, short one but hope its good enough to make one of your feature videos. Smoking hot bird she is. Cheers

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart... but I was wrong!"

ORSM VIDEO

Brunette Loves To Fuck

Annoying Gay Black Guy

Hunting Close Call

Burnout Busted

The Happy Hottie

Do It Like This

iPad Cat

Ski Lift Wedgie

Two New Zealand businessmen in Wellington were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling".

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Aussie tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Australian accent asked "What you selling mate?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes." Without skipping a beat, the Aussie said, "You're doing very well. Only two left!"

THE EFFERVESCENT CODY LANE

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RANDOM SHITE
A compendium of what's right and wrong with the world. Check it...

Click to View >>

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CHAT TO REAL GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

There was man named Jose that worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees, and every afternoon his wife Maria used to bring him his lunch.

Well one afternoon Jose got horny and started fucking the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple. Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so Jose took her to the doctor's.

The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out." Jose looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?" The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."

So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the shit out of it, he had her moaning and everything.

A week later Jose while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor. The doc took a look at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge! I'll be right back. I'm going to go get a shot that will make the puss come right out." Jose looked at him, pulled out his axe and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"

ON THE GROUND IN IRAQ

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A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes.

The shepherds agreed. The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realised that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all..."

He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!" shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!" "Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one!!?"

SUNNY LEONE

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Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went over to the next aisle to find it. From the next aisle Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet!"

ORSM VIDEO

Sexy Webcam Girl

Watch Your Step!

Drinking Problem

Black Ice Fun

Cucumber Sex Toy

Cyclists Go Down

It's A Windy Day

Head Splitting

Well that's me done. Time for dinner. Just make sure you read this last bit. It'll save any embarrassing situations later...

- Check out the site archives. Get yourself up to date... not up THE date.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I've pretty much made an art form of it.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will work his way back into your life as though nothing ever happened. Trust me - I've recently experienced this and it's a cunt of a thing!
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Carl - you were a modern day Ned Kelly. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Welcome to the Pétanque after-party.

I had the realisation the other day that with life ticking along so agreeably lately it probably won't be long before the universe corrects itself and takes back some of my joojoo. Something or someone will be along to knock me down a peg or two. Why? Because shit can't be good ALL the time.

The weekend just gone marked the wedding of my sister in a down south extravaganza of stress and celebration. Being of the litter to take the plunge its big deal for the fam. My brother and I made the trek down on Friday and lobbed at the holiday rental. There were four girls staying with us too... whether or not this was a smart choice remained to be seen.

We hit the pub that evening in a pre-organised pre-wedding drinks thing. Tired, I bailed earlyish and went home to crash. A few hours later revellers rocked up for an impromptu party. For the most part I slept through until one particular point my brother came in and began poking me in an attempt at humour. In a flash from fast asleep to aggravated annoyance I screamed "FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING RETARDED FAGGOT. I'LL KILL YOU". Quite proud of that. I also missed what became a famous gatecrasher incident whereby some overzealous locals were forcefully ejected from the house. Good times.

Saturday was mostly our own with the exception of a tense family meeting. Everyone was sat down, explained the next day's programme and warned to be on their best behaviour. I have a saying when it comes to my kin - it's not a problem until it's a problem. As obvious as that sounds, few things ring truer.

Sunday moved at light speed. I was busily making changes to my notes in preparation for my MC role that evening. With the ridiculously buxom schedule over the last few weeks I literally had not had a chance until three days before to work out what that actually entailed and what I was supposed to say. Some Googling explained the deal - basically the MC controls the evening, liaises with wait staff and of course spends some time behind the mic. I was cool with that and surprisingly not at all nervous about it... until that morning when nerves suddenly nailed me that is. Sitting outside thinking, trying to visualise speaking in front of a 120 people, my stomach began churning and an unwanted expulsion took place.

Jump forward to mid-afternoon and the fam was altogether again with the bride and her maids ready for the limo ride to the winery. Also spent a few minutes convincing my brother that he and I were to walk across the grass ahead of the bridesmaids etc whilst doing the "wedding step' - right foot forward then together, left foot forward then together. If I hadn't been so convincing there's a good chance my uncontrolled laughter whilst encouraging him to "Start now! Start now!' wouldn't have given up the joke.

The worst thing about weddings is families. Someone will always get their feathers ruffled about something no matter how insignificant so with this in mind there was a level of tension as the bride walked towards the makeshift altar... until suddenly the iPod was bumped and music changed from a romantic jazz number to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Everyone laughed while the groom scrambled to sort it and the tension was broken superbly.

The reception started around 7 and was absolutely awesome. Sure I didn't have time to eat and couldn't get boozed until after my duties were over much later but still loved every second of it. Oh and for the record my MC'ing was "bloody good' apparently. I base this on every person I spoke to telling me I was "bloody good' so don't worry it's not all ego. That said, no one is going to say that you suck... not to your face anyway.

We got back to the house after 1am with a bunch of other people in tow. I'd been worried about a huge party after some of my drunken housemates spread word that we were the official after-party house. Fuckers. Thankfully didn't end up all that huge and I crawled into bed an hour later.

The next morning something weird happened. The girls woke me up coming to see what I wanted for breakfast. At this moment I suddenly became aware I wasn't wearing anything - somehow, somewhere my shorts and t-shirt were removed. I definitely don't remember disrobing so kind of odd. Anyway jump in the shower then spend a few minutes cleaning up my clothes etc. Grab my bag and it is soaking wet. WTF? The sniff test reveals nothing. No close water source. No other logical explanation. Could it be it urine...? Did someone sneak into my room during the night and mistake the walk in robe and my bag as a toilet? Did *I* wake up in the middle of the night, remove my clothes and mistake the walk in robe and my bag as the toilet? It was freezing so why would I get undressed? Was I molested by a horny after-party goer? Hopefully. Did someone hate piss me? Sadly I'll ever know...

The rest of Monday was on the lazy side except for a post-wedding brewery lunch. Essentially these events are just two hours of chatting about the weekend's events, wishing new family and friends a safe trip back to their respective countries and praising the wonderful MC. From there it was back to the homestead for a "The Big Bang Theory' marathon and cleanup ahead of Tuesday morning departure. All up, definitely one of the best weekends in forever.

And with that greatly truncated version of events now is probably a good time to get on with the update. Once again due to time constraints Reader Mail has been nixed but I assure you dudes it will return next week. I've tried my best to make it up in other ways but what I'm REALLY trying to say is... check it...

CHAT TO REAL GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Now We Play - Naked Babes - Disgusting - UnGoogle Yourself - Monster Fail - Junior Boxer - Nawtie Bot! - Teen Pussy

Psycho Dog Man - Hawt Chicky - Give Me Girls - Talk Show Brawl - Aniston Legs - Bar Refaeli - Sex Before U Die

Moar Boobies! - Random Hotties - 80's Ladies - Worst Heroes - Perfect Rack - Big Dunk - Bike Stunting - Grind Fail

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day, one of his experiments paid off. He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur. For many years, the dog was happy. But over time, he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression. Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
--
Recently a Para Unit captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan. They took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice. The Sergeant says, "Roll the dice and if you get 1 2 3 4 or 5 your head comes off." The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6?" The Sergeant says... "You get to throw again."
--
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

ORSM VIDEO

Like A Pro

80's Doctor Stripper

Burnout Busted

Bat To The Head

Bring Out The Toys

A340 Brake Test

Amazing Shot

Nose Gear Failure

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"

AUDREY BITONI

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Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

ORSM VIDEO

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

SUCK IT GOOD!

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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonised over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

RETURNED UNOPENED

BEAUTIFUL ITALY

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I've had to ditch the Reader Mail section again this week due to forseen circumstances but it will definitely return next update. So as not to leave you poor buggers twiddling your thumbs, nursing an empty feeling, I'm righting the wrong with a bucket load of videos. Please feel free to return the favour by flooding my email with absolutely anything that can be shot, squeezed or ejaculated down the internets by clicking here.

College Girl Gets Slammed

Double Knock Out

Gun Toting Granny

African Pole Dancer

Comdey Of Errors

That's How To Suck A Dick

Human Basketball

Shaving Slap Prank

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Hard At It

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Cat And The Rats

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Threesome

Backdoor Love

Elk Crossing

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Talent Show Ouchies

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Hit From Behind

Forgot The Parking Brake

Going It Solo

Don't Roll Your Eyes At Me!

Flying Breads

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Cork Removal Trick

Brunette Cam Hottie

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the ex MP. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MP. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door opens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. When the doors of the lift open he finds he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish continues to fall from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning... today you voted."

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of $25 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place - it was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 25 million is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and quietly says, "Ask him again."

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried two feet from the east wall behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" "Well," the lawyer replies, "he says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

SILVIA SAINT

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RANDOM SHITE
A delectable dish of daring distinguished dalliance, distributed deviously, denoting delightful... shite. Did take sense? I didn't think so. Check it...

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A man working in a bank and is a total hit with the ladies and young and successful and has everything going for him in life except he has a tiny cock. He can chat up girls and get them back to his place anytime with his sleazy charm but when it comes to sex they all just laugh at his pathetic noodle dick.

He is getting really sick of his condition and decides to go to the best plastic surgeon he can find and tells him of his terrible problem. The doctor asks what he would like to do and the guy says he wants the biggest dick possible and money is no problem. The surgeon hesitates and says that he knows of a new medical break-through in this particular field and that it is risky but it has been done once before. The man asks what it is and the doc replies that it is a baby elephant trunk transplant and it is the biggest you can get. The man demands it without hesitation and after the surgery was complete a couple of weeks later and the swelling went down the guy was ready to show this thing off.

He spots a cute girl in the office and confidently asks her out to dinner in a fancy restaurant. That night at dinner they are sitting down and chatting and the man gets the idea to unzip and give her a quick flash before the mains arrives but the second he unzips the baby elephant trunk shoots up from between his legs, grabs a bread roll off of the table, and shoots back down inside the zipper.

The woman is amazed and shocked and so is he and she gets really excited and asked him to do it again. The man says "I can't. I don't think I can fit another bread roll up my arse".

GONE TRIBAL

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My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Oh well in that case stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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Holy shit fuck. That's the update done and dusted. Did you enjoy it? Of course you did. That's just how good I am at this stuff. Oh and hey before you go, this:

- Check out the site archives. Pleeeeease.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Just because.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bring my friend Ray back. He's befriended me again you see so it will only be a matter of time before he starts asking to include him in updates again...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and love you long time. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Happy Birthday, Sev [or is it Seth...?].

The insanity continues. This shit is so out of control the line between what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to be doing is become vague at best. Bold statements aside and conceited as it sounds, it's actually been fucking good to be me lately. Don't think I've ever met so many new people, consumed so much alcohol or had more compulsory-attend events on the calendar. That said I'd be just as happy being well rested so go figure.

At this point I'll just jump straight into the activities of the last week. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatever the fuck I like. Ah arrogance...

The four day Easter long weekend began a day early due to a big family thing we had that evening. All I had to do was make a very large potato salad and show up. Have I mentioned this salad before? It's seemingly gained a cult following amongst friends and fam so every time there's an event I'm asked to bring one along. Honestly I've made the damn thing so many times over the years I can't bring myself to eat it as well as the fact it takes a couple of hours to concoct. So anyway after doing groceries, making the salad, cooking etc it was time for the BBQ thing which was better than expected.

Good Friday plans involved one thing - a mates 30th birthday that afternoon/nite... and yet again another damn potato salad was requested so that took care of my morning. We got to the party by 3pm-ish and the festivities started straight away. Large spit roast in the corner, togas and smoking jackets, four kegs and it was a drinking marathon from then until early morning when I ran out of legs. Will say one thing... if there's anyone who knows how to throw a party it is definitely bar tenders. They even went as far as importing the American style red plastic beer cups. Happy Birthday Bretty and Tom.

Woke up feeling a bit worse for wear Saturday. Turns out that drinking for ten hours straight and not eating hurts. Whodathunkit? All I had to do for the day was shop for a wedding present which was way harder than anticipated - literally couldn't get a parking spot at the two major shopping centres I tried. What ever happened to everyone heading out of town for the long weekend? Pretty much confined myself to home afterwards hoping I'd recover enough for a Buck's party that nite however come 7pm I involuntarily collapsed out on the couch and missed it entirely. Sorry Seano!

Just when I hoped it was all over there was -you guessed it- another Buck's on Sunday. This one for my soon to be brother in law and it kicked off with a BBQ. From there we jumped on a bus and headed east to play Supagolf. I've mentioned this before - basically a shortened course with big balls and clubs which becomes a lot more fun when you've been boozing. Don't think I've ever laughed so hard watching the poor Buck, encumbered by a 15 kilogram iron ball chained to his ankle, retrieving his clubs and buggy as they were repeatedly thrown down every hill.

We tried to hit a couple of the local breweries following golf but oddly every time you roll in somewhere with a bus they come running out and wave you away. Am guessing they get this quite often. Undeterred we stopped at a bottle shop, loaded up with cartons and headed back to someone's house. It was then I had to bail home. Fuck knows what I did but my shoulders were absolutely killing me which was surprising considering the high alcohol consumption. I got home and swallowed a bunch of pain killers and saddled up to rejoin the party again who, by this stage, had settled in a strip club. Wasn't too long before they got thrown out however so we moved on to a bar and continued the merriment. Absolutely awesome day... and to think I was worried about not knowing anyone.

Monday was quieter thankfully. Finally found some time to wash the car and clean up some of the mess from the storm a few weeks back before again collapsing in a heap wondering why we do these things to ourselves. Honestly don't remember  the last time I had such a huge Easter weekend either but it was probably 10-11 years back... it started Friday, ended Monday, involved no sleep, a rave, some torched friendships and brains, two hotel parties and a police raid. Good times...

Alright that about covers all the shenanigans. If you made it through, hopefully it was worth the read. If not, we're headed down south again this weekend for the wedding so fingers crossed there are a few good stories to tell. In the meantime please enjoy the update. Check it...

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Can U Play? - The Drugs Work - Blend An iPad - Wild Gurls - Aussie Babes - Internet Explained - Epic Boobs

Deer Vs Dog - Urban Tag - Drunk Hotties - I See Tits - Girls Of Easter - Taylor Momsen - Miley - $52k Bling Buggy

Babe Gallery - Jennifer Walcott - Grenadier Fail - Mariah Carey - Welfare Fight - Srsly Wow - Ladylike - Drunkest Ever

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going to Iraq." "Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"
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My girlfriend cant wrestle but you should see her box.
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South Dakota will be deciding on closing certain highways to traffic this coming summer. They are hauling a 20 ton chunk of coal thru the state. Word has it they are putting Obama's face on Mount Rushmore.
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Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"
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A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

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KNOW YOUR HISTORY
The next time you are washing your hands and complain, because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:

There is an old pub in London which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung. The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''. If he said yes, it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD". If he declined, that prisoner was "ON THE WAGON".
 
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive, you were, "PISS POOR" but, worse than that, were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot, they "DIDN'T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN" and were the lowest of the low.

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers, to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "DON'T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATH WATER!" 

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "IT'S RAINING CATS AND DOGS." 

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top, afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "DIRT POOR". The wealthy had slate floors, that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh, until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence a threshold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''. 

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "BRING HOME THE BACON." They would cut off a little, to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''CHEW THE FAT''. 

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes - so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. 

Bread was divided, according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''THE UPPER CRUST''. 

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''HOLDING A WAKE''.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, some were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night, "THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT" to listen for the bell. Thus, someone could be, ''SAVED BY THE BELL'' or was considered a ''DEAD RINGER.''

BREE OLSEN

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FUN WITH LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand.

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7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH YOUNG'NS

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute!"

A Sabbath school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet aint empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

SELF SHOT HOTTIES

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The elderly woman had complained of abdominal swelling and pain. The doctor had examined her thoroughly and put her through a series of laboratory tests, the results of which were now in.

"The plain fact, madam," said the doctor, "Is that you're pregnant." "That's impossible!" shrieked the woman. "Why, I'm seventy-nine years old and my husband, although he still works is eighty-six!"

When the doctor insisted, the aging mother-to-be pulled over the desk phone and dialled her husband's office. When he was on the line, she began without any preliminaries. "You old goat!" she snapped, "You got me pregnant!"

There was a long pause before the old man replied. "Please," he said in a quavering tone, "Who did you say was calling?"

A FIST IN THE MOUTH...

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ORSM VIDEO
No Reader Mail this week. Not because I couldn't be bothered or even that I didn't want to. I'll place this one squarely on selfish members of my family who insist on monopolising my time with frivolous activities. Things like getting married etc. Anyway this rather large bunch of videos should keep you guys busy for a few minutes but one your done don't forget to send me an email or I'll punch your lights out. Check it...

Couples Sexy Sex

Pool Jump Falls Short

Car Park Destruction

Cameraman Nut Shot

Fun With Snow Mobiles

Chubby Chick

Band Man

I'm A Cowboy

Flip Flop Fail

Exercise Ball Faceplant

Drunk Sex

Tazer Car Opener

Demoliton Aerial View

Car Rolls Off Garage Hoist

Hydraulic Buggy

Bathgasm

Cum Quickly

Do The Math

The Master

How To Destroy A Caravan

Horny Drunk Woman

Big Tits Granma

BE-200 Amphibious Aircraft

Ooops!

Beware, I got this today and the warning is genuine...

Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a London to Melbourne flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to... with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Melbourne".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" she asked him. "No," he whispered back... "It's just a real shit hole."

ORSM VIDEO

Dancing Blonde

Ferrari Gets Destroyed

Big Ship Launch

Little Brat

Old Wife Gives A Blowy

Fake Gunshot Ouchies

Fat Guy Can Sing

Prank On Gran

I'VE BEEN WONDERING...

WHY... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
WHY... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
WHY... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
WHY... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
WHY... the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?
WHY... women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
WHY... don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
WHY... is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
WHY... is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
WHY... is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
WHY... is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
WHY... is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
WHY... isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
WHY... didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
WHY... do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
WHY... don't they make the whole plane out of that same indestructible stuff black boxes are made out of?
WHY... don't sheep shrink when it rains?
WHY... are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
WHY... if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal?
WHY... ? Good question.

I ALWAYS ENJOY AUGUST

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RANDOM SHITE
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it right then it occurrs to me - of course I fucking am. Check this...

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CHAT TO REAL GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

Well the Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

COOL CAN ART

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This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his rear! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "... On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "... On the road again....." The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed. "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the morgue attendant, "Any arse hole can sing country music!"

ORSM VIDEO

Homemade Fuckers

Helicopter Resonance Test

Fun With Gun And A Car

Drunk Guy Fails

Sweet Morning Blo-J

Traffic Stop Goes Bad

It's A Swing Thing

Tank Add On

And we're done but for this...

- Check out the site archives. Sure they're not going anywhere but you don't want to be out of the loop.
- Next update will be next Thursday. FYI probably going to be a truncated version too.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll cry.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy weddings B&C. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. No it's not an April Fool. The update is up early.

Busy busy. So much so that what you're reading now was all finished yesterday. Such are the demands of my effervescent social life however it's left me wondering why after all most ten long years cranking out Thursday updates -and in most cases chewing up every available minute right up until deadline- I've been able to finish my shit early two weeks in a row. Why can't it be this way EVERY week? Admittedly I knew all these social entanglements were coming up months ago and have been preparing ever since but I'd be a happier, less tired camper with even a fraction of my life reclaimed. Matter of fact last Thurs I finished early enough to squeeze in grocery shopping and time to clean the car. Funny how the simple things can become a novelty sometimes...

Weddings. Have you noticed the pattern in my blogs lately? It's been a common fucking theme since the first week of January and I am so fucking over them it's beyond words. Weddings this and weddings that. Weddings, weddings, weddings. Year to date I'm six down and there are still two or three to go in the next month. Just about every couple I know is piss bolting down the aisle and I'm very seriously considering doing the same. And no not because I get all clucky at weddings or because I've found that special someone or even because I need to recoup the countless dollars spent on presents, clothes and the like - the truth is I'm sick to fucking death of doing my own dishes. Ladies if you're good with a scourer [and have large breasts] please email me.

Okay I've got a lot to get through and we're a bit space constrained so sit back now while I dazzle you with my activities of the last week. Unsurprisingly, it's pretty much ALL wedding related so if you too are sick of watching your peers get hitched, just scroll on down.

Mad rush Friday began early. I was supposed to drop the dog off at the boarding place first thing but after discovering a couple of 'ruptured cysts' on her body the night previous, decided to hit the vet. They quickly decided it was a surgical thing and said they needed her overnight which I bartered into two thus making life a whole lot easier... until I got the bend-me-over-and-finger-my-bunghole bill anyway.

Home from there to pack followed by a much needed haircut and immediately in the car afterwards with my sis and her other half. Destination: Dunsborough. Aka. three hours of discussion related to their wedding in a few weeks time. By the time we arrived it was time to go again - this time to a pre-wedding BBQ. Don't think I've ever been so glad to get to bed as I was that night - just me and no one talking for a solid six hours. Magic.

Early start Saturday - this time to the annoying town of Margaret River so my passengers could meet their wedding photographer. It was about then the rain started and drizzled on for the next few hours. I don't have a problem with rain but that said it wasn't my wedding day. Everyone sort of converged upon us that afternoon for an impromptu family catch-up before I had to depart and pick up the groom [my cousin] and his many men. Don't think I've ever seen anyone so stressed either - it was cloudy, grey and about to piss down at any second. Not what you want with an outdoor wedding less than an hour away and wedding coordinator on the phone saying she's moving everything inside but thankfully it held out and all was well.

The reception went on until 1am and by the stage I was well and truly ready for bed. All that stood in my way was almost the entirety of Caves Road, which anyone who has ever driven it knows, is the last place you want to be in the middle of the night... especially with a car load of drunken retards.

Very early start again Sunday. On the road just after 8am to make sure we were back in town before lunch so as to pick up dog and cat from the vet. Had big plans for the rest of the day too but they all fell by the wayside as I nodded off to sleep. Not really that remarkable in itself except for the fact I NEVER sleep during the day.

Alright that will do for today. It was excruciating having to relive the wedding insanity all over but if I have to suffer, so do you guys. It works both ways though - and that will be proven as you surf through this very impressive update. Check it...

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

It's Game Time - Manual Wipers - Lusty & Busty - Aussie Babes - Boob-TASTIC - Anna Faris - Bad Chef - Gangbanged

Girls Next Door - Baby Got Back! - Too Funny? - Scarface The Play - Lacey Chabert - Worst Couples - Virgin Pussy

Chatroulette Troll - Brilliant Breasts - Your Man Garage - Mila Kunis Wow - Cocaine Feet - Prune Slicker - Rihanna

A man goes to his doctor for a check-up. Half way through, the doctor tells him to take down his trousers. The doctor pulls forward his pants and stands back in surprise, as there is a squirrel in a chauffeur's uniform and little hat. The doctor, in disbelief, looks again; and, sure enough, there is a squirrel, and he is dressed as a chauffeur. "Did you know you have got a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur down your pants?" asks the doctor. "Yes," says the man, "and he's driving me nuts."
--
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mummies tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."
--
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in thm geschissen!" Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!" The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The Amish man shouts back in English "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

ORSM VIDEO

Gorgeous Chubby Redhead

Magazine Martial Arts

EXTREME Gayness

Dog Eats Cop Car

Blonde Puts On A Show

Scary Bridge Crossing

Truck Breaks Back

Slippery Soldier Slips

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilised and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup.""Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"

FRECKLES

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WHAT DOCTORS SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

This should be taken care of right away.
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

Wellll, what do we have here...?
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

Let me check your medical history.
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time OR I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

We have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is you're going to pay for it.

Let's see how it develops.
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

Let me schedule you for some tests.
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

I'd like to have my associate look at you.
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

That's quite a nasty looking wound.
I think I'm going to throw up.

This may smart a little.
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

This should fix you up.
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

Everything seems to be normal.
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

I'd like to run some more tests.
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split the fees with me...

There is a lot of that going around.
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment.
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

ORSM VIDEO

Deepthroat Like A Pro

Trololo Cat

Washing The Ferrari

Tik Tok Horror

Fooling Around

Wonderful World Redux

Girl Got Some Skills

Wedding Disaster

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

UP THE DUFF

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THE JOURNEY OF A MAN

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

OASIS OF THE SEAS

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READER MAIL
Must say I'm kind of amazed at the sheer number of ex/current girlfriend/wife submissions this week. Some definite quality too. If you didn't know - there's few things that make me happier [cheese is one of them] so thank you to all you dirty little bastards who've been busy filling my inbox.

If you would like to submit shit and possibly have it featured in an Orsm update then you should feel absolutely free to send it my way. Bombard me go on! It's all good, all welcome. In return your submission will be treated with care from the moment it arrives though my inbox until it is featured on the main page and then forever enshrined in the archives. All you must do is clickety-click here and make it happen.

Rob wrote: Subject: hey dad Seriously, Robert Hughes is the biggest beast of our times. If only I could have found an image of him by himself I would have titled the motivator " Going for a nap"..."Get the work experience girl to wake me in an hour"

Bert wrote: Subject: Badly named reporter for vienna boys choir abuse article Hey Orsm, Here's one for your site, taken from the Times Online website... Cheers Hah Roger Boyes. -Orsm

Glen wrote: Subject: Random shit Still trying to work out what's reserved down at swanbourne primary school. ;-)

Johnathan wrote: Subject: Motivational Photo I made a "Motivational Poster" out of one of your RS pics. First one I've done, I think it came out OK. I am glad you do what you do. German Shepherds can do anything. Just ask an owner... -Orsm

Supaduck wrote: Subject: Yes officer, I have my insurance card - let me get it for you Yes, Officer, I have my insurance card. Let me get it for you. It's right here!

xitz wrote: Subject: In case of flood.. In case of flood... find a safe place?

Michael wrote: Subject: Kelly Conolly on Ch9 Lateline news on 29/3/10. dude ! you have to post his up !!! Reckon her wardrobe department is taking the piss ? (excuse the pun) hahahhaha

Mark wrote: Subject: I'm kinda hoping this is photoshop. But I'm thinking it's not. Messed up. -Orsm

Mark wrote: Subject: Emailing: frog in sewer line.JPG Thought your readers might find this amusing... Art imitating life...? -Orsm

Psam Psycho wrote: Subject: Deep sea critter - ROV hitchhiker This came off of the ROV on West Sirius Rig in 8,500' of water. (about 2 ½ feet / 75cm long ) Am betting this is some sort of movie prop. Anyone know? -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Emailing DOCTOR VOODOO. Keep it private please How much for the 'reduce womens virgina and tightening to the size you want'? -Orsm

Bob wrote: Subject: While out fishing in NZ Long time fan...yada yada yada...thought I'd share a sign we walked by...and KEPT walking! They're practically begging for people to ignore it. -Orsm

DtM wrote: Subject: some pics from the Mounts Bay Rd mud slide HOW MANY TIMES do I have to say "WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE COMING IN THE HOUSE"?!!! For anyone who doesn't know - this is from the storm which pounded our city last week. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: porche crash dont show my information. your site is the best.. All the best from Portugal No biggie - it's only a Porsche. -Orsm

just because wrote: Subject: pics Some more pics I think you might like... I tore this pussy up! Great site Superb body. And cute. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: ex GF pics Revenge is sweet. This girl did me wrong, now its my turn! PLEASE HIDE MY DETAILS

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hide my details Here are a few pics of my former fiancée. Please hide my details. I could be wrong but it looks like a vagina to me. -Orsm

Supaduck wrote: Subject: what is the given name of this car goin back a few years of course Veedub? -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Some girlfriend real naughty pics I really think you will like them So here are some pics of my girl and I having some dessert from a very yummy place. Also she loves wearing this dress to Clubs and she is not pulling it up just bending over the bed. Keep the info private and enjoy. I love your site.

<with held> wrote: Subject: cherrybomb here is a few pics of my gf "cherrybomb" please hide the details and keep up the great work! Excellent cherries. -Orsm

Stacey wrote: Subject: Unusual help Hi ORSM! First of all your site rocks, I've been a very long time user of your site and love it, you make my days go so much quicker. As subject i was wondering if i could get your help with something? I Sell intimate items such as pictures, vids and used lingerie, i believe it to be an honest way of making a little cash on the side rather then claiming benefits. There is a guy who is now hounding me, i have sent him samples and sets of pictures but refuses to pay! I thought you maybe able to post this so anyone can email him there comments. His name is Andrew Morley. email address andrewm100@hotmail.com. I have thrown in a few samples for you to post. feel free to post my details stacey@mycameltoe.co.uk

<with held> wrote: Subject: pics thought u might enjoy these pics of my girlfriend! keep up the good work!! please withhold my details.

<with held> wrote: Subject Wife swallowing my cum Hi Mr.Orsm, great site, long time reader and contributor blah blah blah... Here's another video of some early morning fucking and sucking ending with my wife enjoying a mouthful of the hot sticky stuff [and Here are some pics of the wife.

<with held> wrote: Subject: GF Pics :) Some Pics of My girl, Just a little taste... More to come :) A lot more. Let me know what you think, Cheers, Ps: Hide Details Please!

Craig wrote: Subject: Bushwacked Economic times being what they are, The Missus suggested we try to reign in the home maintenance budget a little. First thing that came to mind - after she inquired how much beer I need in one week - was that I could find some new applications for my home grooming skills. Here are the Before and After shots. It was such a work of art, I just had to sign it.

Jason wrote: Subject: Cyclone Ului Cyclone Ului vs Mackay Harbour

Lucas wrote: Subject: On the beaches of Costa Rica...so that you have an idea of the 'attack against nature'....! Sending you an e-mail of the turtles on the beaches of Costa Rica. Before the female can cover up her eggs, the intruder steals away what Nature has given her to protect her young. These people have unfortunately, taught their children nothing for the future generation to cherish. Look at these children and they do not know anything about conservation of Marine Life Protection and look at the disastrous road their parents are taking too. What have they they all gained for the future of Costa Rica's Marine Life protection? World Wide shame in COSTA RICA. The Turtle eggs are stolen to be sold.

ORSM VIDEO

From Behind

Public Access Crackpot

Driving In Iraq

Chair Riding Fail

Coed Strips For The Boys

Cinematic Masterpiece

What Amazed Cat Saw

The Lingo Kid

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" He roars.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "for god's sake! How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was mummy bear who got up first. It was mummy bear who woke everyone in the house. It was mummy bear who made the coffee. It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was mummy bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was mummy bear who set the damn table.

"It was mummy bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace mummy bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!"

BIJOU

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RANDOM SHITE
You cannot see what has already been seen... but why the fuck would you want to? Check it...

Click to View >>

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CHAT TO REAL GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son. Is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

STORMY SEAS

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MALE PHILOSOPHY

When a man steals your wife, there is than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin - they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Women inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer is "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it and 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted a 'wife wanted' ad in the classifieds. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

ORSM VIDEO

Changing Room Sex

Stuck Hummers

Model Falls Off

Car Bowling

Hot Little Brunette

Girl Freaking People Out

Showing Off Fail

Kitty Begging For Food

And that's that boys and girls. Lotta love went into this update so I'm betting by this point you're all pretty much spent. If not, this may help:

- Check out the site archives, find the secret of life.
- Next update will be next Thursday. At some point between Wednesday and Friday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll replace your eggs with 'special' chocolate.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a Happy Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.